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on (#5Y9HF)
HERMISTON, OR—As the elderly patriarch spoke of his experiences in the Vietnam War, sources confirmed Monday that Grandpa was surprisingly willing to talk about the man he killed. “Usually war vets will hold it close to the chest and not want to explain anything, but Grandpa Steve was just going on and on…Read more...
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| Link | https://politics.theonion.com/ |
| Feed | https://politics.theonion.com/rss |
| Updated | 2025-04-22 00:00 |
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on (#5Y9FY)
Kim Jong-un has given luxurious new residences to North Korean elites including Ri Chun-hee, the country’s most famous state TV anchor, a move seemingly intended to boost loyalty as the leader grapples with the pandemic and a troubled economy. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5Y9FX)
CLEVELAND, OH—Stressing that the team needed to safeguard their financial interests should their new quarterback miss games, Cleveland Browns officials confirmed Monday that Deshaun Watson’s contract includes a clause voiding his guaranteed money in the event of an injury sustained during a sexual assault. “Like all…Read more...
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on (#5Y8SY)
BOSTON—Warning parents to be on the lookout for unexploded ordinance during the traditional springtime festivity, a report released Sunday by researchers at Northeastern University found that 17% of all Easter egg hunts end with a child setting off a landmine. “Our survey concluded that a young child was blown up…Read more...
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on (#5Y7JV)
The Republican National Committee voted to withdraw from the commission responsible for organizing presidential debates, taking cues from former President Trump, who has repeatedly leveled accusations of anti-Republican bias against the group. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5Y7H1)
WASHINGTON—Defending her performance against recent reports of cognitive decline, senior United States senator Dianne Feinstein argued Friday that she was still perfectly mentally fit to continue captaining the submarine. “If my fish colleagues have any doubts about my ability to damn the torpedoes or up the…Read more...
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on (#5Y7H0)
WASHINGTON—Unwinding after a particularly stressful day as U.S. Transportation Secretary, Pete Buttigieg was reportedly overheard Friday telling a resistant proprietor, “I’ll tell you when I’ve had enough,” while trying to blow off steam with another round through a car wash. “Look, I’ll stop when I’m good and ready,…Read more...
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on (#5Y7GZ)
The New York City Police Department, the largest and most highly funded police force in the United States, has come under scrutiny after failing to apprehend a shooter in a crowded Brooklyn subway station. The Onion looks at the biggest controversies and most high-octane moments in the NYPD’s nearly 200-year history.
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on (#5Y7EW)
CLEVELAND—Amid a wider push for sports teams to stop using offensive mascots and imagery for their teams, the Cleveland Guardians have reportedly been at the center of criticism this week for stereotypical depictions of the art deco community. “This is 2022, and if you’re still appropriating art deco culture for your…Read more...
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on (#5Y7EX)
Fraternity hazing: We swear he was dead when he got here, officer.Read more...
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on (#5Y75H)
SAN JOSE, CA—Expressing confusion over his seeming inability to garner much sexual interest, the god Zeus, mightiest of all who dwell on Mount Olympus, confided to reporters Friday that despite having taken the form of a beautiful swan, he was finding it very difficult to seduce women. “I kind of just assumed that…Read more...
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on (#5Y73E)
Last year, I made the bold choice to run for mayor of New York City. While I ultimately won the race by a landslide, many people spread vicious rumors about my family and me, one of which was that I lived part time in New Jersey.
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on (#5Y73C)
Sherri Papini, a California mother charged with lying about a 2016 abduction that set off a nationwide search, admitted that her story about being kidnapped was fake, saying that she would spend the rest of her life trying to make amends. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5Y6D9)
Talking about money can be difficult for many families, which is why we recommend paying someone to do it for you. Here’s what to say if your child asks if you’re rich.Read more...
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on (#5Y6JJ)
BRUSSELS—Testing the waters before committing to a more permanent status within the group, Finland and Sweden confirmed Thursday they were evaluating their possible membership in the North Atlantic Treaty Organization with a complimentary one-day guest pass. “It’s nice to get a taste of what it’s like to have the full…Read more...
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on (#5Y6B6)
A leading panel of experts recommended for the first time that all children ages 8 to 18 should be screened for anxiety, prompted by the worsening state of mental health among children particularly during the pandemic. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5Y5ZX)
PIGEON FORGE, TN—Watching the man feed page after page into the machine, family sources confirmed Thursday that local father Jay Farley was shredding old junk mail with the intensity of the Watergate Seven. As the sweat beaded on his brow and his face took on a determined expression reminiscent of a Nixon White…Read more...
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on (#5Y5ZY)
GENEVA—In the group’s latest effort to assess the impacts of the planet’s rising temperature, the Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change issued a report Thursday that concluded Antarctica could support multiple golf courses as soon as 2050. “We have every reason to believe the emergence of vast green expanses and…Read more...
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on (#5Y5XJ)
KANSAS CITY, MO—Clenching his teeth and breathing heavily as he begged for mercy, local man Ken Yang told reporters Thursday that he could barely endure the crippling agony of proper posture. “Oh my God, it hurts so much, there’s no way the human body is meant to hold this position for so long,” said Yang, who winced…Read more...
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on (#5Y5XH)
CHICAGO—Lauding the man for at last overcoming his inhibitions and opening up, sources confirmed Thursday that 36-year-old Gregory Ross’s psychotic break was really helping the former introvert come out of his shell. “He used to be a quiet guy, pretty much always kept to himself, but ever since he lost his fucking…Read more...
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on (#5Y5XG)
A set of rare notebooks filled with notes by Charles Darwin have been anonymously returned to the University of Cambridge, over 20 years after they were initially reported missing, with a note reading “Librarian, Happy Easter X”. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5Y56R)
WASHINGTON—Rolling their eyes as requests for food and aid continued to pour in from the famine-ravaged nation, the U.S. populace reportedly told starving Afghani civilians Wednesday to just shut up, because Americans no longer cared about them and enough was enough already. “Ugh, first you’re whining about how you…Read more...
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on (#5Y54H)
London’s Metropolitan Police have issued a fine against Prime Minister Boris Johnson following national outrage over lockdown parties held at government offices during the height of the pandemic when the country was under strict stay-at-home orders. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5Y51A)
Guitarist Jack White surprised fans by proposing to and marrying fellow musician Olivia Jean live onstage during a Detroit homecoming show. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5Y51B)
BAKERSFIELD, CA—Expressing confusion at the earnestness of the deeply emotional caption, sources reported Wednesday that an Instagram post commemorating the birthday of a user’s friend was way too sentimental for the friend not to be dead. “This is a long, long paragraph, and there isn’t a hint of sarcasm or even a…Read more...
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on (#5Y4NZ)
While the Russia–Ukraine war continues to rage overseas, many Americans have expressed concern that the U.S. could reinstate a national draft. We asked several members of Gen Z what they would do in the event they were forced to serve, and this is what they said.
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on (#5Y4P0)
SAN DIEGO—Stopping herself from finishing the entire burrito in one sitting, local resident Danielle Gerardo was overheard Wednesday saying, “That’s going to be so good later,” as she smashed the foil wrapping into a tight ball around a nibbled, wet tortilla edge and the single remaining bean. “I’ll definitely be…Read more...
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on (#5Y3XZ)
U.S. officials confirmed that General Aleksandr V. Dvornikov, who has been accused of committing war crimes in Syria, will now lead Russian forces in Ukraine, which up until now had no central war commander. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5Y3W6)
KYIV, UKRAINE—Noting the strange discrepancy between reality and his expectations, local Russian soldier Aleksander Kozlov was reportedly confused Tuesday after being told Ukrainians would be happy to be summarily executed in the street. “I’m just a little taken aback, because we were told that the Ukrainian people…Read more...
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on (#5Y3HW)
NEW YORK—Touting the product’s ability to erase pesky skin imperfections, blemishes, and discolorations, cosmetics giant Revlon announced Tuesday that it had released a new line of concealer pins designed to instantly blind users from their own hideous forms. “With this revolutionary new beauty treatment, all…Read more...
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on (#5Y3CF)
Celebrities’ lives may seem perfect, but like anyone else, their actions have consequences. The Onion asked Hollywood’s biggest stars how being canceled changed them, and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#5Y3CG)
KANSAS CITY, MO—As he remarked upon how great it felt to forget all his worries and just have some time to relax, a local mobster reported Tuesday that he was excited for his sudden surprise trip to a secluded lake with his three best buds. “How nice is it for these guys to swing by my house at 2 in the morning and…Read more...
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on (#5Y3AA)
TACOMA, WA—Sighing with relief as he arrived home to his empty apartment, local insane man Mitchell Forrester confirmed Friday that he had made it through another day without anyone catching on. “I spent all day alternating between muttering to myself and bursting into loud fits of nervous laughter, and somehow no…Read more...
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on (#5Y3A7)
Mattel has released its first-ever carbon-neutral toys, starting with Mega Bloks Green Town for preschoolers, as part of an effort to use 100% recycled, recyclable, or bio-based plastic materials in all its products and packaging by 2030. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5Y3A6)
GREEN BAY, WI—Calling her vision “the ideal trip,” local mother Misty Fulwider confirmed Tuesday that she wanted to vacation somewhere she could wear a hat. “Some place I can just put on a big, floppy hat that keeps the sun out of my eyes—now that’s my kind of vacation,” said Fulwider, who had a faraway look in her…Read more...
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on (#5Y2JF)
The United Nations General Assembly voted to suspend Russia from the U.N. Human Rights Council, with 93 countries in favor, 24 against, and 58 abstentions, after high-profile allegations were made of atrocities committed by Russian soldiers during the war in Ukraine. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5Y250)
Mental health influencers may seem as if they have all the answers, but the truth is, they’re just as depressed and stupid as you are. If you’re on TikTok, do everything you can to avoid these dangerous mental health trends.Read more...
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on (#5Y251)
CHICAGO—Saying they felt inspired by the resourcefulness and ingenuity of a fellow commuter, onlookers reported Monday that a man drinking beer at 7:30 a.m. on a city bus might be onto something. “Here’s a person who, by all appearances, has absolutely no anxiety about tackling the day,” said bus rider Alex Darvey,…Read more...
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on (#5Y252)
TOMS RIVER, NJ—After going over various options with a new client, local financial advisor Gary O’Malley reportedly recommended fraud this week. “If you want a secure financial future for yourself and your family, I can’t recommend anything more than fraud,” said O’Malley, who then went over the different avenues of…Read more...
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on (#5Y24G)
WASHINGTON—Dimming the lights and lighting candles before oral arguments started, the U.S. Supreme Court reportedly agreed Monday to hear the Case of the Haunted Harbor. “What happened down at the docks that grim October night has important implications for how this nation addresses mysterious happenings and events…Read more...
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