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on (#5X7PV)
The U.S. Senate has unanimously passed a measure that would make daylight saving time permanent starting in 2023, ending the twice-annual changing of clocks in a move promoted by supporters advocating brighter afternoons and more economic activity. What do you think?Read more...
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| Link | https://politics.theonion.com/ |
| Feed | https://politics.theonion.com/rss |
| Updated | 2024-11-23 10:30 |
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on (#5X7PF)
WASHINGTON—Gathering with family and friends to mark another effective return to normality, Americans were reportedly celebrating their fourth consecutive victory over Covid on Thursday. “Defeating the virus just once would have been enough for us, but four consecutive wins? What a treat!” said 53-year-old…Read more...
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on (#5X7HY)
MOSCOW—Surveying his accomplishments in the past month with evident satisfaction, Vladimir Putin reportedly grew pleased Thursday as his plot to ruin the Russian economy and destroy its international standing went exactly to plan. “It’s incredible that in a few short weeks, my goal to tank the ruble and humiliate the…Read more...
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on (#5X7F1)
Russia’s invasion of Ukraine has led to a deluge of claims made by politicians, the media, and social media users, many of which do not stand up to scrutiny. The Onion fact-checks claims made about the conflict in Ukraine.
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on (#5X7EH)
SANTA FE, NM—Insisting that he simply wanted a clear timeline for when the freelancer might finish work on the next installment in A Song Of Ice And Fire, George R.R. Martin reportedly sent an email to his ghostwriter Jeffrey Goldman Thursday to press him on what was taking so long with The Winds Of Winter. “Hey Jeff,…Read more...
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on (#5X789)
CHICAGO—Rolling his window down cautiously for the curbside delivery, local UberEats driver Varban Jindrak was overheard Wednesday telling a customer, “Easy, good boy,” as he attempted to hand the man his food without getting bitten. “You’re a hungry fellow, aren’t you? Now, now—just calm down, and I’ll give you your…Read more...
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on (#5X78A)
WASHINGTON—Promoting the object as an iconic piece of aeronautics history, the Smithsonian’s National Air and Space Museum announced Thursday it had acquired a rock that local teenager Tyler Trenary threw really, really high one time. “The rock that Tyler threw must have gone, like, 25, maybe 30, feet in the air,…Read more...
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on (#5X712)
A 10-foot-wide asteroid recently struck the Earth north of Iceland within hours of its discovery by astronomers, generating a blast equal to3,000 tons of exploding TNT and making it only the fifth asteroid ever observed in space before striking the Earth. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5X63A)
Russia’s invasion of Ukraine in late February began a series of brutal hostilities that have left hundreds of civilians dead and led to increased tensions, sanctions, and weapons deployments from allies on both sides. The Onion looks at potential outcomes for Russia’s invasion of Ukraine.
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on (#5X5XM)
SAN FRANCISCO—In a move hailed as a bold and innovative step for the company, officials at Airbnb told reporters Wednesday they had begun testing a new feature that would permit Black guests to find lodging through the platform. “Since we started back in 2008, only white people have been able to secure bookings with…Read more...
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on (#5X5X5)
Even if you don’t remember it’s St. Patrick’s Day, your server definitely will. When you’re out at a bar celebrating, try not to say the following things.Read more...
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on (#5X5X6)
NEW YORK—Explaining why she was in such high demand as an expert witness in courtrooms and as an analyst on news programs, body language specialist Linda Rothbaum told reporters Wednesday that she could discern with almost 90% accuracy whether a person was sitting. “While there’s always room for error, my training in…Read more...
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on (#5X5X7)
NEW YORK—In what appeared to be another flagrant case of American nepotism, sources reported Wednesday that a refugee probably only got accepted to this country because his dad was a refugee. “Fucking legacy migrant—I’m sure they waved him in as soon as they saw who his father was,” said local resident Shawn Castor,…Read more...
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on (#5X4WY)
IRVING, TX—In the wake of global turmoil and worsening inflation, oil companies were lamenting the rising price of Joe Manchin, sources confirmed Tuesday. “With the economy what it is and a split Senate, it seems like the price just keeps going up and up nearly every day,” said ExxonMobil CEO Darren Woods, who was…Read more...
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on (#5X4TB)
WASHINGTON—Sighing as she watched the minutes of her afternoon tick by in what reportedly felt like an eternity, Vice President Kamala Harris nudged a stack of papers off a desk Tuesday in order to distract a top aide and change the office clock to read 5 p.m., according to White House sources. “Oh, clumsy me—do you…Read more...
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on (#5X4TC)
This doesn’t make any sense. They can essentially accomplish this same thing without ever touching your throat!Read more...
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on (#5X4CM)
Salad dressing maker Hidden Valley had a lab-grown two-carat diamond made out of ranch seasoning to celebrate National Ranch Day, with the seasoning heated to 2,500 degrees celsius and crushed under 400 tons of pressure to create the stone, which will be auctioned off. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5X111)
A new study out of England has found that even mild cases of Covid-19 are associated with subtle tissue damage, accelerated losses in brain regions tied to the sense of smell, and a slower ability to process information. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5X0CV)
MIAMI—Saying the brief delight wore off as quickly as it had started, visibly drunk local man Max Soylu, 25, told reporters Friday that wearing a lampshade on one’s head is less fun when alone. “You know, this feels a lot different when there’s no one pointing at me and laughing,” said Soylu, observing that the energy…Read more...
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on (#5X0CT)
According to researchers, a large, invasive species of spider native to Japan called Joros are expected to “colonize” the entire East Coast this spring, partly due to the arachnid’s ability to survive colder temperatures and travel up to 100 miles through the wind by forming parachutes out of their webs. What do you…Read more...
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on (#5WZPE)
Contenders in the running to play Madonna in a new biopic directed and cowritten by the performer are facing “grueling” training to land the part, which includes putting in 11-hour days working with Madonna’s choreographer. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5WZMF)
WASHINGTON—Speaking out Thursday against an atrocity that officials noted is a hypothetical outcome whenever an airstrike is conducted, the United States condemned the Russian bombing of a Ukrainian hospital as a horrific act that any world power could theoretically commit. “The shelling of a medical facility is a…Read more...
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on (#5WZJC)
With the United States imposing strict sanctions, many American companies are feeling more and more pressure to cut off ties with Russia. Here are several corporations that have stopped operating in Russia because of their invasion of Ukraine.Read more...
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on (#5WZFK)
HOUSTON—As many companies reassessed their presence in the nation following its invasion of Ukraine, restaurant chain Fuddruckers announced Thursday that it was pursuing a golden market opportunity by opening 1,000 new locations in Russia. “Running a successful business is a matter of identifying a window of…Read more...
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on (#5WZFM)
AUSTIN, TX—Joined by Republicans from the state legislature in a highly publicized ceremony, Texas governor Greg Abbott signed a law Thursday banning consensual sex. “I’m proud to sign this bill into law today making all consensual sexual acts punishable by a minimum of 10 years in prison,” said Abbott, who was…Read more...
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on (#5WZ9T)
The nation’s roughly 3 trillion networks and streaming services have unveiled their spring TV lineups, bringing highly publicized debuts and new seasons of beloved shows to homes across the country. The Onion runs down the most anticipated programming of spring 2022.
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on (#5WZ1J)
MIAMI—Descending on the most heavily impacted shorelines in a desperate effort to contain the damage, volunteers rushed to the Florida coast to clean up the glistening hunks found lying on the beach after a massive baby oil spill, sources confirmed Thursday. “Some of these poor studs are absolutely shimmering in all…Read more...
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on (#5WZ1F)
WASHINGTON—Cracking down on what the agency deemed a widespread deceitful practice, the Consumer Financial Protection Bureau fined a local curio shop Thursday that allegedly disappeared mere hours after unloading a haunted talisman. “We became aware of the situation after a handful of customers who bought enchanted…Read more...
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on (#5WYE7)
McDonald’s and Starbucks are shutting down their restaurants and cafés in Russia, and Coca-Cola is suspending its operations there in response to Russia’s invasion of Ukraine. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5WY5F)
GULF SHORES, MS—Sprinting down the beach while the confused animal squawked, flapped its wings, and attempted to flee, Americans who were desperate to find cheap fuel Wednesday reportedly fought tooth and nail over an oil-covered bird. “Give me that—it’s mine, do you hear me, it’s mine!” yelled hundreds of U.S.…Read more...
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on (#5WXWE)
NEW YORK—In what witnesses described as an act of selfless bravery, a heroic bystander talked a knife-wielding man down to a fistfight, sources confirmed Wednesday. “Hey, man, why don’t you put the knife down and settle this thing with just your fists,” the courageous passerby was heard to say when he spotted a man…Read more...
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on (#5WXQ5)
The International Monetary Fund recently warned that Russia’s invasion of Ukraine and the economic sanctions imposed on Russia by countries around the world will have a “severe impact on the global economy.” The Onion looks at the most consequential effects of the Russian invasion on the global economic forecast.
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on (#5WXQ4)
Florida researchers are building a $12.8 million hurricane simulator to study the disastrous effects of hurricanes on U.S. infrastructure in a hangar-sized chamber able to recreate storm surges and winds of up to 200 mph to prepare for worsening conditions due to climate change. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5WXQ2)
SILVER SPRING, MD—Speaking in a stern tone and wagging a finger, Food and Drug Administration commissioner Robert Califf made an announcement Wednesday in which he warned Americans to take that out of their mouths this instant. “That’s dirty, you can’t have that—spit it out, I said spit it out right now!” said Califf,…Read more...
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on (#5WXQ1)
FORT SMITH, AR—Offering her big smiles and pats on the shoulder as they passed around slices of cake, staff at a local branch office of Belle Point Insurance celebrated employee Kathy Vershbow for her 40 steadfast years of being unable to retire, sources confirmed Wednesday. “It’s been wonderful to see Kathy’s…Read more...
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on (#5WWH3)
WASHINGTON—After booking a conference room in the Eisenhower Executive Office Building to focus on the project, Vice President Kamala Harris reportedly spent Tuesday putting together a Keynote presentation on reasons why she deserves a raise. “All right, I definitely want to get right away to the fact that I barely…Read more...
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on (#5WWH1)
ROCHESTER, MN—Caught off guard by the new mother’s eagerness to make plans, sources confirmed Tuesday that local woman Elise Andersen was maybe a bit too available after having a baby. “I told her, ‘I totally get that you’re going to have your hands full for a while,’ and she sent me a link to an EDM-themed bar…Read more...
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on (#5WVNG)
Ye, formerly Kanye West, has released an animated music video for the song “Eazy” in which a claymation version of him kidnaps another character resembling Pete Davidson, his ex-wife Kim Kardashian’s current boyfriend, and buries him alive. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5WVEX)
DALLAS—Insisting that every form of compensated employment was established by a supreme executive, job creationist Jonathan Lamar told reporters Tuesday that he strongly believed there was only one true CEO who made all jobs from on high. “This world’s many positions of paid labor were brought into existence by an…Read more...
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