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on (#5Y24H)
WATERBURY, CT—Saying they were completely hopeless when it came to such things, James and Phyllis Burgauer told reporters Monday that they asked their son, Lance, if he wouldn’t mind stopping by to fix the gaping void in their lives. “It would be a huge favor to us if he could just pop over after work and try to mend…Read more...
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| Link | https://politics.theonion.com/ |
| Feed | https://politics.theonion.com/rss |
| Updated | 2024-11-23 10:30 |
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on (#5Y2GR)
WASHINGTON—As she absentmindedly sketched in the margin of her notes during a national security meeting Monday, a bored Kamala Harris was seen doodling a cartoon of a refugee who had been thrown out of an airplane, with the word “Noooooo!” appearing in a speech balloon near the plummeting individual’s mouth. According…Read more...
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on (#5XZWF)
WASHINGTON—Calling a catastrophic midterm outcome “all but certain” for Democrats, political pundits were sounding the alarm Friday after Beto O’Rourke announced his candidacy in every race in the country. “Beto is a very vulnerable candidate, and if he can’t pull these elections off, everything from the U.S. Senate…Read more...
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on (#5XZJV)
Gov. Ron DeSantis recently signed Florida’s “Parental Rights in Education” House Bill 1557 into law amid a firestorm of controversy. The Onion answers common questions about the legislation, which opponents have termed the “Don’t Say Gay” bill.
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on (#5XZ8T)
EWING TOWNSHIP, NJ—Touting the product as a breakthrough in modern prophylactics, leading condom brand Trojan announced Friday that it would expand its product line to include a new contraceptive fife that could be used to charm sperm out of a vaginal canal. “This small wooden flute, when played correctly, is capable…Read more...
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on (#5XZ8Q)
Disney has announced that visitors at Walt Disney World and Disneyland will be permitted to interact with, hug, and get autographs from costumed characters again starting in mid-April, after the traditional greetings were put on hold two years ago due to the pandemic. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5XY1S)
NEW YORK—After an intense period of bidding that drew record-breaking offers for the creative force behind Marvel Comics, the corpse of Stan Lee sold Thursday for more than $5 million, according to officials at Christie’s Auction House. “This is a remarkable piece of comic book history that any serious fan would be…Read more...
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on (#5XXZF)
On Feb. 24, 2022, I—Vladimir Putin—sent troops into Ukraine to conduct a special military operation. As the president of Russia, I obviously expected resistance from leaders of certain key world powers, but I must say I’ve been surprised at how the United States, specifically, has reacted.
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on (#5XXC8)
A new study found that Fox News viewers who were paid to watch CNN for 30 days became more skeptical and less likely to believe fake news, noting changes in attitudes and policy preferences about Covid-19 and evaluations of Republican candidates and elected officials. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5XX1G)
AUSTIN, TX—Saying the ritual helped take the edge off the intimate get-together, local man Ted Boyd told reporters Wednesday that spending time with a group of his close friends was always more tolerable after a few drinks. “It’s great when we can just hang out and drink beer like this, because otherwise it can be…Read more...
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on (#5XWSK)
NEW YORK—According to tax filings obtained from the Clinton Foundation, former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton received a $225,000 speaking fee Wednesday night for telling her grandson a bedtime story. “This was a standard payment to compensate Secretary Clinton for her limited time, and in recognition of the…Read more...
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on (#5XWSM)
BAY ST. LOUIS, MS—Expressing frustration that another 9 billion pounds of their friends and family had been consumed last year by humans alone, the world’s shrimp population admitted Wednesday that they had assumed the visible string of shit they evolved would have gone further in deterring predators. “You’d think if…Read more...
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on (#5XWQ6)
A slab of volcanic rock north of Tokyo, known as Sessho-seki or “killing stone”, was recently discovered split into two, sparking fear among some locals because the 6-ft by 26-ft stone is linked to a Japanese myth that suggests it contains an evil nine-tailed fox demon. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5XWQ5)
YOUR WORKPLACE—Making the proclamation shortly after releasing your hand from his sweaty grip, a man who can fire you at any time reportedly insisted Wednesday that you call him by his first name. “Please, call me Tom,” said the man who could shatter your livelihood and rob you of affordable medical care on a whim,…Read more...
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on (#5XWQ4)
In the American healthcare system, it’s probably best to expect to pay out of pocket for 100% of your medical procedures. Here are several surprising things that your health insurance absolutely will not cover.Read more...
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on (#5XWZ5)
U.S. president Joe Biden and others have recently accused Russian president Vladimir Putin of committing war crimes during his country’s invasion of Ukraine. But what are war crimes, exactly? The Onion explains the history, rationale, and application of war crimes.
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on (#5XVVS)
Tesla CEO Elon Musk bought a 9% stake in Twitter to become its largest shareholder, just before raising questions about the social media platform’s dedication to free speech and the First Amendment. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5XVVT)
PITTSBURGH—In an emotional yet somewhat stilted plea, an increasingly desperate Volodymyr Zelensky was reportedly straining to connect the war with Russia to trowel sales Tuesday in his video address to a garden supply wholesaler. “The proliferation of trowels is much like the proliferation of war, except, uh, trowels…Read more...
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on (#5XVT2)
Yes, they wear white coats and have fancy diplomas, but doctors can still be idiots. If you spot any of these red flags, it’s time to ditch your care team immediately.Read more...
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on (#5XVGM)
WASHINGTON—Insisting that there was an appreciable difference over the past 24 hours, Vice President Kamala Harris confirmed Tuesday that the crack in the office ceiling seems slightly longer today. “It could be a shadow, but it really does seem bigger than yesterday,” Harris reportedly said to herself, reclining…Read more...
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on (#5XTZR)
Washington, D.C. officers discovered five fetuses inside the basement apartment of an anti-abortion activist who was also recently indicted on federal charges for blocking access to a reproductive health center. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5XTT7)
WASHINGTON—After letting out a sigh of apparent exasperation, outgoing White House Press Secretary Jen Psaki took a pointed tone during Monday’s briefing when she asked a reporter chanting “Kill, kill, kill” if he had an actual question for her. “Is there an inquiry relevant to the Biden administration’s current…Read more...
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on (#5XTMV)
When a stranger shouts sexually inappropriate comments at you on the street, it’s demoralizing, and it can often be hard to stand up for yourself. If someone catcalls you, don’t back down—say these things to them instead.Read more...
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on (#5XTK9)
MILWAUKEE—Arguing that such rank betrayal deserved equal recompense, Crain Systems employees reportedly bellowed Monday that just as coworker Tyler Simmons had abandoned them, “so shall ye be abandoned” after his three-day vacation. “Do you think us fools to accept you back into our ranks so easily after such…Read more...
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on (#5XTK8)
NEWARK, NJ—Following hundreds of reports of strange-colored smears and unpleasant odors, Panasonic issued a product recall Monday on 2 million microwaves that got dirty. “It was never our intention that these microwaves would get splattered with soup and sauces, and for that, we deeply apologize,” said Megan Myungwon…Read more...
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on (#5XTK7)
EVANSTON, IL—In a post celebrating the birth of her daughter, new mother Nicki Dennings confirmed Monday that childbirth was, indeed, the most rewarding experience a desperate attention seeker with no personality can go through. “Wow, only mothers would understand this, but there really is nothing that compares to the…Read more...
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on (#5XTK6)
CHICAGO—In a statistical analysis comparing the United States to other industrialized nations, a new report released by McKinsey and Company on Monday found that American children were severely behind in age. “It appears that U.S. children and foreign children in Japan, Germany, Israel, France, China, Russia, and more…Read more...
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on (#5XTK5)
The State Department has announced that U.S. citizens will be able to select the gender-neutral “X” as a marker on their passport books starting April 11 in a move recognizing nonbinary and intersex Americans who are estimated to make up 1.2 million and 4 million people, respectively. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5XTK4)
OMAHA, NE—Pondering whether the universe, in its own subtle manner, might be trying to send him a message, a local man reportedly wondered aloud if the speeding ticket he received Monday wasn’t just karma for driving 120 miles per hour down the freeway. “Wow, I guess what goes around really does come around, huh?”…Read more...
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on (#5XRR2)
WASHINGTON—With bystanders reporting that multiple mangled figures were seen emerging from the house as law enforcement closed in, dozens of aborted fetuses allegedly fled through the back window of an anti-abortion activist’s house Thursday after Washington, D.C. police busted down the door. “I’m not going down for…Read more...
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on (#5XRMW)
According to reports, Meta, Facebook’s parent company, hired a Republican consulting firm called Targeted Victory to “orchestrate a nationwide campaign” to sway public opinion against TikTok, planting negative news stories and op-eds around the country. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5XRD7)
The Russian invasion of Ukraine has been going on for over a month and continues despite peace talks. The Onion looks at the most consequential statistics that tell the story of the Russia-Ukraine War.
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on (#5XR3J)
WASHINGTON—In a strong rebuke of the congressman’s claims that government officials invited him to orgies and offered him cocaine, several masked, visibly erect Republicans condemned Rep. Madison Cawthorn (R-NC) on Friday, calling his accusations patently false. “What Madison Cawthorn said about myself and my…Read more...
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on (#5XR3G)
WATERLOO, IA—Groaning as he struggled to get comfortable in the cramped space, local man Brad Green confirmed Friday that he hated when he and his girlfriend stayed over at her parents’ house, because they always wound up having to sleep in her childhood bassinet. “This sucks—why didn’t they upgrade to something…Read more...
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on (#5XR3F)
A new report shows that Texas threw out mail votes at an abnormally high rate during the nation’s first primary of 2022, rejecting nearly 23,000 ballots outright under tougher voting rules, with the rejection rate higher in counties that lean Democratic (15%) than Republican (9.1%). What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5XR3E)
COLLEGE PARK, MD—In what is being hailed as the first empirical evidence in support of a hypothesis that has gained popularity in recent years, top scientists speculated Friday that the universe may indeed be a simulation controlled by an unseen entity after the words “trial version expired” appeared in the sky. “When…Read more...
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on (#5XP41)
Chinese authorities forced dozens to quarantine overnight in a hotpot restaurant after a Covid-19 case was detected at the location, a measure in accordance with the country’s policy for rapid lockdowns and other restrictions whenever clusters emerge. What do you think?Read more...
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