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on (#5XP42)
MOBILE, AL—Appearing disinterested as he marched among a horde of angry townspeople Thursday, a local man acknowledged to reporters that he had really only joined an angry mob parading through the streets so he could show off his fancy new torch. “To be honest, I really don’t know what we’re opposing or supporting…Read more...
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| Link | https://politics.theonion.com/ |
| Feed | https://politics.theonion.com/rss |
| Updated | 2024-11-23 10:30 |
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on (#5XNSY)
Conservative activist Ginni Thomas has come under fire for text messages to then-President Trump’s chief of staff in which she advocates overturning the 2020 election. This has led to questions about whether her husband, Supreme Court justice Clarence Thomas, should recuse himself from election-related cases, or even…Read more...
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on (#5XNJ0)
DAYTON, OH—Watching him nail routine after routine on a dingy game mat he had found in a box of his parents’ old things, sources confirmed Wednesday that history’s greatest Dance Dance Revolution player, 10-year-old Noah Wilson, had tragically been born decades too late. “It’s truly a shame to witness such an…Read more...
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on (#5XNJ1)
LEXINGTON, KY—Lamenting that he had squandered a perfectly good case of metastatic colon cancer, local man Josh Talbott told reporters Wednesday that a terminal diagnosis had been wasted on his friend who was already living in the moment. “When the doctors told him he had three months to live, it’s like, whatever, he…Read more...
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on (#5XNJ2)
NEW YORK—Clasping his hands behind his back and looking out over Manhattan’s iconic skyline, New York mayor Eric Adams was reported to have said, “This city. These people. All sheep, and I am their shepherd,” as he launched into a monologue Wednesday. “I and I alone am the line between order and chaos, guiding toward…Read more...
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on (#5XM5W)
SAN DIEGO—In an effort to run the exercise as realistically as possible, officials confirmed Tuesday that the active shooter drill at Canyon Hills High School included a part for the security guard to practice fleeing in terror. “As soon as you hear my signal over the intercom, I want teachers to lock their…Read more...
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on (#5XK7D)
CHICAGO—Noting that the guy looked oddly familiar, local resident Chris Reynolds told reporters that he was pretty sure the other person he saw in his building’s laundry room Monday had been his next-door neighbor for 12 years. “Huh, yeah, I know that guy—I think we’ve lived down the hall from each other for the…Read more...
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on (#5XK7E)
Uber has announced it will partner with NYC taxis to list the city’s 13,000 yellow cabs on its app in a deal between the two competing services that comes after the ride-sharing company was hit with driver shortages due to the pandemic. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5XJZT)
LOS ANGELES—In a generous gift intended to enrich the lives of residents and tourists alike, wealthy couple Louise and Richard Morris launched plans Monday to establish an art museum that would foster public appreciation for exactly how wealthy they are. “When Richard and I thought about how to best put our resources…Read more...
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on (#5XJY1)
WASHINGTON—Wondering if she had missed an email or a meeting that would help explain what was going on, Vice President Kamala Harris froze while at her computer Monday after seeing a listing for the position of Vice President posted on the White House careers page. “There can’t be two vice presidents,” said Harris,…Read more...
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on (#5XJXZ)
NEW YORK—Responding to long-standing criticisms of the standardized test, the College Board released a statement Monday rebutting the claim that the SAT was classist due to its wine-tasting portion. “While we appreciate concerns about this portion of the exam, we’ve repeatedly seen that the ability to sip a grenache…Read more...
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on (#5XGHW)
The first episode of reality TV show The Bachelor aired Mar. 25, 2002, kicking off a juggernaut dating-show franchise that has so far featured 26 seasons and multiple spinoffs, including The Bachelorette. The Onion looks back at the most memorable moments from The Bachelor’s first 20 years.
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on (#5XFJK)
Deciding which products will fulfill your basic needs or fill that gaping hole in your heart can be stressful. The Onion’s Test Sweatshop is here to help. Every product we recommend has been tested for over 50,000 hours by our army of indentured product testers. The Onion doesn’t make any money off these…Read more...
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on (#5XFN2)
WASHINGTON—In the face of international criticism over not accepting enough people fleeing the war-torn nation, U.S. officials announced Thursday that they would admit Ukrainian refugees after deporting 100,000 Central American asylum-seekers. “We must do our part to support those fleeing Russia’s horrific attacks,…Read more...
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on (#5XF2W)
CHICAGO—Daring world leaders to test its resolve in an address recorded late Wednesday night, the Bulletin Of The Atomic Scientists announced that if it did not receive $10 trillion in unmarked bills this week it would destroy the Earth by setting its clock to midnight. “Citizens of Earth, we have long served as…Read more...
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on (#5XF2V)
WASHINGTON—Assuming it was all water under the bridge at this point, former Vice President Dick Cheney told reporters Thursday that he figured enough time had passed for him to be able to dine again at his favorite Iraqi restaurant in the D.C. area. “I haven’t been to Sinbad’s in 20 years, but surely by now it…Read more...
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on (#5XF2Q)
It can be strange, sometimes, to be me. I’m the wealthiest man on the planet, for starters. Leaders across America, and indeed the world, look to me as a visionary driving technological progress in areas from transportation, to communication, to becoming a multi-planetary species. The kinds of projects I’m involved in…Read more...
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on (#5XE8A)
BAY LAKE, FL—Boasting of an exciting new experience for die-hard fans who want to “join the rebellion” against their homosexual desires, Disney announced Wednesday the grand opening of an immersive Star Wars–themed gay conversion camp. “At our new Jedi Cure Center, gays and lesbians of all ages can visit a galaxy far,…Read more...
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on (#5XE07)
The 94th Academy Awards will take place this Sunday, March 27, but not all movie fans are happy with the films, actors, and personnel up for awards this year. The Onion looks at the biggest snubs for the Oscars 2022.
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on (#5XDT6)
Drugs might be a normal and acceptable part of your adult life, but once you’ve taught your kids that drugs are bad, what do you do? If your kid ever catches you getting high, here is what you should say.Read more...
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on (#5XDQY)
HOUSTON—Watching from mission control, where they whistled carefree tunes and capered about the room in an improvised, frolicsome dance, whimsical flight directors at NASA confirmed Wednesday they had launched a single balloon into outer space. “T-minus 30 seconds to liftoff of our solitary red balloon, which will…Read more...
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on (#5XDQZ)
NEW YORK—A comprehensive five-year study conducted by scientists at Columbia University’s Irving Medical Center found a troubling link between childhood obesity and an increased risk of adult anime consumption, officials confirmed Wednesday. “Our study found that overweight and obese children are far more likely to…Read more...
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on (#5XDR0)
CUPERTINO, CA—Noting the feature would come preinstalled on all phones, Apple unveiled a new privacy setting Wednesday that would allow iPhone users to silence all calls from people who love them. “With this update, your phone won’t ring or even notify you that people who deeply care about your mental and emotional…Read more...
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on (#5XDQJ)
Soccer star David Beckham has handed over control of his Instagram account to a doctor in Ukraine as part of a bid to highlight the “amazing work” of medical professionals caring for patients amid Russia’s invasion. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5XCW2)
WASHINGTON—Calling attention to the U.S. Supreme Court nominee’s “extremely troubling” record, Sen. Josh Hawley (R-MO) slammed Ketanji Brown Jackson Tuesday for letting pedophiles like himself walk free. “There should be no room for leniency when it comes to sentencing depraved child sex offenders like me,” said…Read more...
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on (#5XCSA)
While Americans enjoy freedom of speech, citizens in heavily censored autocratic regimes experience the complete opposite. If Russian citizens say any of the following things, they will be arrested and punished immediately.Read more...
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on (#5XCDB)
Tokyo school officials announced they will drop controversial dress code policies for high school students, including those regulating hairstyles and underwear color and patterns. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5XB8K)
WASHINGTON—In an effort to give herself a competitive edge in the job market, Vice President Kamala Harris confirmed Monday that she had enrolled in a six-week coding boot camp. “It’s kind of expensive, but I’m sure it will all pay off once I get a new gig,” said Harris, who expressed her hope that learning the basics…Read more...
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on (#5XB5M)
CHICAGO—Frowning as she prepared herself to “buckle up for this one,” local psychotherapist Heather Gottlieb reportedly gave a slight wince of recognition Monday after hearing which friend had recommended her to David Keflani, the new patient currently in her office. “Oh, right, yes, Josh,” said Gottlieb, fidgeting in…Read more...
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on (#5XB5P)
NEW YORK—Asking tenants to please stop reporting infractions lest they exacerbate the hike, local landlord Matthew Prero confirmed Monday that the building code violation fines he was facing left him with no choice but to raise rents. “Look, I don’t like doing this, either, but my hands are tied here,” said Prero, who…Read more...
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on (#5X91D)
A Moscow court is extending WNBA star Brittney Griner’s arrest until May 19. The detention, which is reportedly due to cannabis oil found in the basketball player’s luggage, comes amid increased tension between the U.S. and Russia over the Kremlin’s invasion of Ukraine. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5X8ZN)
When The Onion’s editorial board convened to discuss the tumultuous events of the previous month, one conclusion became evident: The world stands at a crossroads. Two visions of our collective future stand before us: On one side is a free and enlightened society, dedicated to the principles of openness,…Read more...
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on (#5X8WY)
Putin’s parents decide to try for an evil megalomaniac.Read more...
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on (#5X8E9)
The U.S. Senate approved a bill Tuesday that would make daylight-saving time permanent starting in 2023. The Onion looks at the benefits of this legislation.
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on (#5X8E8)
CHICAGO—Promising customers a better, safer wiener, Oscar Mayer introduced a new line of filter-tip hot dogs Friday to provide what it described as a healthier meat-eating experience. “Light and smooth, just the way you like it, your favorite hot dog brand now comes in filter-tip varieties—pick up a pack today and see…Read more...
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on (#5X8E7)
HOUSTON—After an extensive study undertaken over the past two years, a new report published Friday by Rice University concluded that secretly watching the NCAA Division I Basketball Tournament at work was way less fun while working remotely. “The vast majority of respondents shared that most of the fun of watching…Read more...
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on (#5X8E6)
CHICAGO—Noting that the dog had failed to even acknowledged the devastating international conflict, local man Justin Chang told reporters Friday that his American pit bull terrier could at least try to act like he cared about Ukraine. “Uh, I don’t know if Petunia has heard, but Russia is waging an illegal war and…Read more...
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