 |
on (#5VE9D)
A woman in Crockett, TX has been arrested for attempting to purchase a stranger’s baby for $250,000, approaching the mother and her child while they were waiting in the self-checkout line at a Walmart, then upping her offer to $500,000 in the parking lot. What do you think?Read more...
|
| Link | https://politics.theonion.com/ |
| Feed | https://politics.theonion.com/rss |
| Updated | 2024-11-23 14:00 |
 |
on (#5VE9C)
SANTA ANA, CA—Saying her child could benefit from the temporary support, 36-year-old single mother Desirée Wexler told reporters Wednesday she believes her new boyfriend could provide her son with a positive father figure for a solid couple of months. “My kid could really use a man to look up to for five to six…Read more...
|
 |
 |
 |
on (#5VDK5)
A cruise ship that was supposed to dock in Miami sailed to the Bahamas instead after a U.S. judge granted an order to seize the vessel as part of a lawsuit over unpaid fuel, with the passengers taken by ferry to Ft. Lauderdale the next day. What do you think?Read more...
|
 |
on (#5VDK6)
LAKE MARY, FL—Climbing atop his desk and wailing in despair, Dixon Ticonderoga CEO Thomas Clark reportedly screamed, “It’s over, it’s all over!” and doused the company’s offices in gasoline following Tuesday’s announcement that the SAT would go completely digital by 2024. “Everything we’ve built over these years—…Read more...
|
 |
on (#5VDHA)
Unless you want the staff spitting in your food, we would avoid asking for the following things. Here are the special order modifications chefs hate the most and why.Read more...
|
 |
on (#5VDGN)
SAN FRANCISCO—Acknowledging the theory that everything could be leading up to the greatest advertising campaign of all time, local man 47-year-old Dale Rosenberg told reporters Tuesday that it was too early to tell if the recent celebrity deaths were part of a viral pre-Super Bowl ad rollout. “Sure, the deaths of…Read more...
|
 |
on (#5VDEN)
TAMPA, FL—Following his team’s divisional-round playoff loss to the Los Angeles Rams, Tampa Bay Buccaneers quarterback Tom Brady reportedly ripped into his nutritional supplements Tuesday for letting him down in a big game. “Magnesium, turmeric, zinc—I can go right down the list, and all I see are failures and losers…Read more...
|
 |
 |
on (#5VD4G)
DENVER—Feeling like an entirely different person by the end of his 50-minute session, local man Dan Grady confirmed Tuesday that his problems really didn’t seem so bad now that his therapist had completely trivialized them. “It helped a lot to just talk to someone and have her reframe my most painful thoughts and…Read more...
|
 |
on (#5VD4F)
SALTSBURG, PA—Cocking their shotguns and remarking that dinner tonight wouldn’t be for the faint of heart, the nation’s gun-toting uncles announced Tuesday that it was time to learn where food really comes from. “All right, boys, let’s get out there and show them that food doesn’t just come from the supermarket or…Read more...
|
 |
on (#5VD4H)
NEW YORK—Worried he would never be able to escape the aftereffects of his rigorous religious upbringing, local ex-Catholic Brock Lastra told reporters Tuesday that he still felt a twinge of guilt every time he masturbated on the subway. “I know it’s not logical, but when I start to pleasure myself on the Q train, I…Read more...
|
 |
on (#5VCVV)
POTTSTOWN, PA—Explaining how it would be an ideal way to go out, area man Albert Bailey told reporters Tuesday that he was hoping his death is fucked up enough that he gets a law named after him. “I’m picturing it now: ‘Albert’s Law,’” said Bailey, fantasizing about his family at the statehouse standing next to the…Read more...
|
|
on (#5VC6T)
A statue of U.S. President Theodore Roosevelt that sat in front of New York City’s natural history museum was removed this week after criticism over its controversial image of a Native American and African man holding “subservient positions” next to him. What do you think?Read more...
|
 |
on (#5VBVY)
DEARBORN, MI—As patience wore thin with the little boy’s repeated expressions of amazement and delight, sources confirmed Monday that obnoxious toddler Liam Primack was really rubbing his sense of childlike wonder in everyone’s faces. “Look, we get it, everything around him is new and exciting as he sees the world…Read more...
|
|
on (#5VBKQ)
Nineteen-year-old aviator Zara Rutherford has become the youngest woman to fly around the world solo, completing the 32,300-mile, 41-country journey in 155 days, breaking two Guinness World Records in the process. What do you think?Read more...
|
 |
on (#5VA9F)
TENNESSEE—Deepening the ties between the two institutions, a new partnership between the NFL and the U.S. military unveiled Saturday would send the first 1,000 fans who stand for the national anthem off to war. “The National Football League has long been a strong supporter of the troops who have sacrificed so much to…Read more...
|
|
on (#5V9CR)
The makers of M&Ms have announced that the candy characters have undergone a makeover that brand executives say better reflects the diverse and nuanced world of their fans, with the green M&M now wearing sneakers instead of white, heeled go-go boots. What do you think?Read more...
|
 |
on (#5V9B2)
VEVEY, SWITZERLAND—Pledging to never stand in the way of the “raw animal magnetism” the candies were world-renowned for, Nestlé released a statement Friday announcing that consumers were free to sexualize Raisinets all they wanted. “Whether you want to use a box to stimulate yourself to the point of orgasm, or simply…Read more...
|
 |
on (#5V98A)
NEW YORK—Following up on the momentum generated by expanding both the regular season and the playoff field, the NFL announced Friday that it would be expanding this year’s Super Bowl to include two additional teams. “We think that bringing more teams and fandoms into the playoffs this year has been a huge success,…Read more...
|
 |
on (#5V90D)
LOS ANGELES—Reassuring himself that he only needed to get through the next week without the actor’s demise to avoid another embarrassing blunder, People magazine editor-in-chief Dan Wakeford admitted Friday that he was sweating bullets after dedicating the upcoming issue to Alan Alda’s 86th birthday. “Obviously,…Read more...
|
 |
on (#5V90E)
CHICAGO—Using the rendered animal fat to limit the impact of winter weather, Chicago city workers reportedly cleared ice Friday by pouring hot beef drippings onto roads. “In order to ensure residents can safely commute around the city, we are working around the clock to clear streets of ice and snow by coating them…Read more...
|
|
on (#5V8VH)
New research shows that silver and gold tubes unearthed in an ancient tomb in southern Russia in 1897, long thought to be ceremonial staffs, were, in fact, the earliest-known drinking straws, used by people 5,000 years ago to sip beer from a communal jar. What do you think?Read more...
|
 |
on (#5V6JS)
CUPERTINO, CA—Sending shock waves through Wall Street with the once-in-a-generation acquisition, Apple revealed Wednesday that it had purchased tech giant Apple in a historic $3 trillion deal. “We’ve been fans of what Apple has been doing for quite some time, and we think Apple’s values and mission really align with…Read more...
|
 |
 |
on (#5V6AH)
NORTHBROOK, IL—Frustrated by the obvious lack of cinematic skill, viewers of the film The Darkest Kiss were reportedly disappointed Wednesday that the director’s incompetence had led him to completely obscure the face of the person committing the murder. “We get to this pivotal scene, but the camera is placed behind…Read more...
|
 |
on (#5V63N)
CHICAGO—Unable to remember one way or the other, local 32-year-old Sidney Golinski, who was unsure if she had turned off the burner she used to cook eggs for breakfast Wednesday, told reporters she had finally made peace with the fact that she might have killed everyone in her apartment building. “Well, there’s…Read more...
|
|
on (#5V63M)
The FDA has announced it is revoking its standard of identity for French dressing that requires the sauce to contain at least 35% vegetable oil, and vinegar, lemon juice or both, which has been in place since 1950. What do you think?Read more...
|
 |
|
on (#5V59D)
Australian officials have deported Novak Djokovic after the tennis star, who is unvaccinated against Covid-19, lost his final bid to stay in the country to play as the No. 1 seed in the Australian Open and defend his title. What do you think?Read more...
|
|
on (#5V59E)
A British surgeon has had his medical license revoked after he was found out to have burned his initials on to the livers of two patients during transplant surgery with a device meant to stop bleeding. What do you think?Read more...
|
 |
on (#5V58E)
While many parents, students, and teachers are reluctant to go back to remote learning, recent surges in Covid-19 make in-person teaching particularly challenging. Here are several signs your child’s school is not ready to be open during a global pandemic.Read more...
|
 |
on (#5V573)
LOS ANGELES—Crowding around the set in hopes of a potential celebrity sighting, Los Angeles residents were reportedly giddy Tuesday after learning that a big Hollywood movie was being shot in their town. “Wow, I can’t believe they’re filming something right here,” said L.A. local Meredith Morton, asking a nearby…Read more...
|
 |
on (#5V4W7)
CHICAGO—Imagining all the ways she could accidentally injure herself without being able to call for help, local single woman Billie Gorman reportedly wondered aloud Tuesday how long she could lie dead in her apartment before anyone bothered to come by and eat her face. “It’s a very real possibility I could be here…Read more...
|
 |
on (#5V4W6)
CHICAGO—Shaking their heads as they watched the 6-year-old beagle mix walk by with its owners, sources expressed concern Tuesday that a local dog must be neglected, noting that it was always seen wearing the same set of clothes. “That poor thing owns one shabby outfit,” said 43-year-old neighbor Kelsey Hoyle, who…Read more...
|
 |
 |
on (#5V3SZ)
SIESTA KEY, FL—Selecting a gem he hoped would match the meaningfulness of their relationship, 26-year-old Owen Nowicki reportedly proposed to girlfriend Jillian Rice on Monday with an heirloom ring once worn by his divorced sister in 2013. “This ring’s been passed down in my family for a long time, ever since my…Read more...
|
 |
 |
 |
on (#5V0Z3)
AKRON, OH—Relieved by his measured and accepting reaction, local woman Megan Sjogren told reporters Friday that the “I don’t love you anymore and I’m taking the kids” talk she had with her husband went surprisingly well. “I was so nervous to look him in the eye and tell him, ‘I don’t love you anymore, and I haven’t…Read more...
|
|
on (#5V01W)
The Department of Health and Human Services has announced that health insurers will be required to cover costs for over-the-counter, at-home Covid tests starting this Saturday, with each individual able to access eight tests a month for free. What do you think?Read more...
|
 |
on (#5TZXF)
IRVINE, CA—Announcing a new policy with strict guidelines, LA Fitness unveiled a mandate Thursday that all members entering its gyms must be fully vaccinated against Covid-19 or tougher and faster than the guy checking cards. “Either you must show proof of your vaccination against the coronavirus or be able to plow…Read more...
|
 |
on (#5TZXG)
ATLANTA—Stressing that the effort represented the best chance of ensuring American make responsible choices around the pandemic, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention announced Thursday that it planned to send every U.S. household a pamphlet on probabilistic thinking and decision-making. “What we’re…Read more...
|
 |
on (#5TZG9)
NEW YORK—Newly elected New York City mayor Eric Adams continued to fill integral positions in his administration Thursday when he reportedly appointed a deputy patsy for all future corruption probes. “I’ve known Wendell Baez for years, he has a great track record of taking the fall for elected officials through all…Read more...
|
 |
on (#5TZTK)
Committing to a regular exercise regimen can be challenging, but even just a short burst of physical activity can help keep you healthy and fit. Follow The Onion’s 1-second workout to keep your body in peak physical condition.
|
 |
 |
on (#5TZNV)
The internet is supposed to be for procrastinating doing your job, not getting fired from it. Unless you want to get in some serious trouble, avoid making any of the following social media mistakes.Read more...
|
 |
on (#5TZG8)
BEIJING—Shedding new light on the origins of the world’s most popular language, an international team of linguists announced Thursday that a newly uncovered manuscript confirms China invented both spoken and written English 700 years before the Western world. “These remarkably well-preserved bamboo slips appear to…Read more...
|
 |
on (#5TY7T)
CLEVELAND—Praising the incredible healing power of terrible art, local moron Todd Beram credited shitty music with helping him through some of the hardest times in his pointless life, sources confirmed Wednesday. “During some of my lowest moments, when I feel like I just want to disappear or that I can’t possibly go…Read more...
|