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on (#5W4C0)
FLAGSTAFF, AZ—Expressing his enjoyment at getting to just kick back and relax, a local 8-and-a-half-month-old fetus confirmed Monday that he could really get used to this. “Man, I gotta tell you, this is the life,” said the 37-week fetus, adding that between the warm and cozy environment, a perfect resting place on…Read more...
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| Link | https://politics.theonion.com/ |
| Feed | https://politics.theonion.com/rss |
| Updated | 2024-11-23 14:00 |
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on (#5W3Z2)
CINCINNATI—Reacting surprisingly well to a heartbreaking Super Bowl loss against the Los Angeles Rams, Cincinnati residents announced plans Sunday to take solace in their city’s reliable lack of culture, terrible food, stupid name, boring downtown, high crime, dearth of any distinctive features, mediocre walkability,…Read more...
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on (#5W3Z3)
INGLEWOOD, CA—Upon securing a decisive victory over the Cincinnati Bengals in Super Bowl LVI, the triumphant Rams told reporters Sunday that they wanted to dedicate their win to whatever city it was that they played for. “We might have been the ones out on the field today, but ultimately this win goes out to the…Read more...
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on (#5W3WV)
INGLEWOOD, CA—During an awkward interruption of an otherwise lively performance, rapper Eminem was reportedly tasked with speaking to police officers Sunday after a noise complaint had been called on the Super Bowl halftime show. “My friends and I are just here performing this show we were booked for by the NFL, we…Read more...
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on (#5W3WW)
INGLEWOOD, CA—Coughing wildly and attempting to catch his breath while the other halftime performers pointed and laughed at him, a paranoid Snoop Dogg reportedly hid backstage Sunday at Super Bowl LVI after taking a single puff of a joint. “I’m fine, I’m fine, I promise, but actually…does anyone else feel kinda weird,…Read more...
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on (#5W3WY)
GLENS FALLS, NY—Breaking its own record after scoring a touchdown to rack up its 600th point within the first quarter, the Boston Dynamics dog appeared unstoppable at the Puppy Bowl, sources confirmed Sunday. “It looks like Nacho is headed into the end zone, and—oh no, another brutal tackle from Spot, the robotic…Read more...
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on (#5W3WX)
INGLEWOOD, CA—Shaking their heads in frustration as the team lined up to take a first-down snap, members of the Los Angeles Rams were overheard yelling at wide receiver Cooper Kupp from the sidelines Sunday as he sat in the endzone playing with a ladybug he found. “Hey, Cooper! Cooper! Eyes up, we’ve got a game to…Read more...
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on (#5W3WS)
INGLEWOOD, CA—Calling a timeout to give his team a chance to reset, Rams head coach Sean McVay reportedly gave a passionate speech at the Super Bowl on Sunday reminding his players who they were and why they were wearing the same clothes. “Remember, you’re all here because you’re on a team together playing football,…Read more...
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on (#5W3SX)
INGLEWOOD, CA—Suspicious of the 21-year-old’s purported allegiance, sources confirmed Sunday that local bandwagon fan Ja’Marr Chase was only rooting for the Cincinnati Bengals because he was drafted onto the team. “Oh, so suddenly they start paying you and now you care about the Bengals? I don’t think so,” said…Read more...
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on (#5W3RD)
INGLEWOOD, CA—Stressing that the decision was made for the protection of its citizens, the city of Los Angeles announced Sunday that it had bulldozed SoFi Stadium after receiving reports of thousands of vagrants convening there. “Unfortunately, we’ve heard concerns from numerous residents that this stadium…Read more...
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on (#5W2DG)
In this iconic ad, 81-year-old Clara Peller uttered her catchphrase “Where’s the beef,” which swept the nation and launched her to fame that persists to this day, nearly two decades later because she is definitely still alive, just like everyone you love. No one ever dies. Life is eternal. There is no suffering.…Read more...
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on (#5W2A6)
The Australian government has officially listed the koala as endangered, their numbers in decline due to land clearing and catastrophic bushfires shrinking its habitat, with experts saying the species could become extinct by 2050 unless the government takes urgent action. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5W1Z4)
WASHINGTON—With markets tumbling as the Consumer Price Index climbed to a 40-year high, sources confirmed Friday that annual inflation had risen a full 7.5% before Treasury Secretary Janet Yellen realized she was reclining against a lever marked “turbo.” “Oh, shit, sorry,” said Yellen, who jumped up as soon as she…Read more...
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on (#5W1WJ)
From the second they land in Beijing, athletes, coaches, reporters, and officials are quarantined inside a massive, closed-loop isolation area that they are not permitted to leave. We asked athletes what it’s like to live inside the 2022 Winter Olympic bubble, and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#5W1QC)
VATICAN CITY—Acting swiftly and quietly in hopes of avoiding a PR nightmare, Pope Francis reportedly transferred God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, to a different universe Friday after He was caught molesting an altar boy. “You’re obviously a hugely valuable member of our organization, but we think given recent events…Read more...
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on (#5W1QB)
TUSUZAI, KAZAKHSTAN—Sighing at the end of another completely wasted day, a team of archaeologists confirmed Thursday they had discovered more old shit that sucks. “Our work at the site today has yielded more than 40 distinct pieces of complete crap,” archaeologist Karla Brandt said of the dig site in eastern…Read more...
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on (#5W1QA)
NEW YORK—Visibly panicked as he scanned the operating room in vain, Dr. Edward Gallano, a plastic surgeon at New York–Presbyterian Hospital, was reportedly freaking the hell out Friday after misplacing his patient’s nipples during a routine breast reduction surgery. “Dammit, they were right here a second ago,” said…Read more...
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on (#5W1Q9)
A huge protest by Canadian truckers has entered its second week. The Onion answers the most important questions about the Canadian trucker protests.
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on (#5W1Q8)
A new program launched last month in Canada gives some doctors the option of providing patients with a free annual pass to the country’s national parks as part of an effort to increase access to nature and the health benefits to be found outside. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5W0YP)
February is Black History Month, and with it comes a variety of essays, meditations, and musings on the month’s meaning as well as Black history in America writ large. The Onion sifts through the many essays published by lesser news organizations to find the smartest and most worthwhile reflections on Black History…Read more...
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on (#5W0WD)
LOS ANGELES—Expressing a need to recharge and do some soul-searching in light of recent controversy, actress and rapper Awkwafina announced plans Thursday to return to Africa to connect with her roots following her departure from Twitter. “It’s time that I finally journey home to the birthplace of my ancestors in…Read more...
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on (#5W0JF)
LOS ANGELES—With current offers for the work-in-progress rising as high as $250,000, multiple show-business insiders confirmed Thursday that every major Hollywood studio had become locked in a massive, frenzied bidding war for a screenplay entitled Existing IP TBD. “In terms of the sheer number of possibilities it…Read more...
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on (#5W0JP)
Stafford will be primed to continue his inspirational run, showing millions of Americans what can happen when you finally leave the shitty company where you’ve wasted the best years of your career.Read more...
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on (#5W0JG)
NEW YORK—Commenting on how rare it was to see someone his age act so grown-up and confident while traveling alone, onlookers confirmed Thursday that they were impressed with the very brave 25-year-old on their plane who was flying all by himself. “Aw, look at him, he’s going on a whole big trip, and he doesn’t need…Read more...
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on (#5W0AD)
SUNNYVALE, CA—Attacking the “ignorant Luddites” who questioned the wisdom and necessity of the program, the nation’s top tech leaders issued a statement Thursday calling their industry’s plan to create an army of AI-controlled bulletproof grizzly bears an unavoidable and inevitable part of progress. “Let’s be real:…Read more...
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on (#5W0AB)
Ye Olde Fighting Cocks, an English pub north of London, that says it’s been operating since 793 A.D. has closed for good, with the owner citing the pandemic as being the cause for closure. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5VZF1)
Hyundai and Kia are telling the owners of almost 500,000 cars and SUVs in the United States to park outside and away from buildings due to a possible defect that can cause the vehicles to spontaneously catch fire even when not running. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5VYWN)
A new bill has been introduced in Oklahoma that would allow teachers to be sued for $10,000 if they offer an opposing view from the religious beliefs held by students, affecting subjects like LGBTQ+ issues, evolution, the big bang theory, and birth control. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5VYWK)
Many Americans want to transition to a plant-based diet, but other Americans want to eat more meat—a lot more. The Onion offers helpful tips for how to eat way more meat.
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on (#5VY8T)
Budget carriers Frontier Airlines and Spirit Airlines have announced plans to merge in a $6.6 billion deal that would create the fifth-largest U.S. airline. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5VY6R)
WASHINGTON—NASA is reportedly facing a backlash Tuesday after selecting U.S.-based contractor Lockheed Martin to build a new rocket that will bring back samples from Mars, with critics arguing that the space agency should have hired local Martian engineers to do the job. “This would have been a brilliant way to…Read more...
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on (#5VY3A)
PARIS—Crediting the association as one of his greatest sources of inspiration, Wes Anderson announced Tuesday that his next film will be a love letter to the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences. “Ever since I was young, I’ve admired the Academy and the fantastic awards show they put on every season,” said…Read more...
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on (#5VXVM)
NEW YORK—Overturning a prior settlement that largely shielded them from liability, a federal judge ruled Tuesday that members of the Sackler family would now be legally obligated to pay surviving relatives of OxyContin victims $4.5 billion in opioids. “While this decision will not bring back those precious lives lost…Read more...
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on (#5VXVN)
ITHACA, NY—In a groundbreaking new investigation into the population decline of critical pollinators, entomologists at Cornell University published a study Tuesday that establishes a link between bees’ dwindling numbers and their increased consumption of pornographic materials. “It appears the marked collapse in…Read more...
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on (#5VXVP)
ANN ARBOR, MI—Amid a growing body of research that suggests few Americans ever complete a compelling character arc, a new study published Tuesday by scholars at the University of Michigan found that the majority also die without ever fulfilling a narrative function. “According to our data, more than half the…Read more...
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on (#5VXRK)
LEHI, UT—In an effort to provide a safe experience for website visitors hoping to learn about their heritage, a new Ancestry.com feature released Tuesday warns users when they might want to stop sticking their noses where they don’t belong. “You need to stop right here and consider whether you really want to know…Read more...
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on (#5VXHR)
LANSING, MI—Explaining how difficult this time of year could be for her, local woman Rebecca McFadden told reporters Tuesday that the thing she disliked most about the winter was how early her thoughts got dark. “This time of year, it seems like I wake up and, before I know it, everything I think and feel starts to…Read more...
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on (#5VXHQ)
“While on the surface it’s about vaccine misinformation, in reality it was always about Pono, my media player and download service for high-resolution audio. Ditch Spotify and join the Pono revolution! The future is Pono. The future is Pono. The future is Pono.”Read more...
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on (#5VWF3)
CHICAGO—Telling residents the simple solution would save them big time in the long run, city officials announced Monday they would be duct-taping Saran wrap over Chicago’s borders to cut down on heating costs. “This is an easy, inexpensive fix that keeps the heat from leaking out into the suburbs,” said Mayor Lori…Read more...
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on (#5VWF4)
CHICAGO—Urging you to reply “yes” within the next half hour to confirm, sources issued a late-breaking reminder Monday that your appointment to read The Onion is scheduled for today. “This is a courtesy message reminding you that your appointment with TheOnion.com is today at 2 p.m.,” read the statement, which also…Read more...
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