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| Link | https://politics.theonion.com/ |
| Feed | https://politics.theonion.com/rss |
| Updated | 2024-11-23 12:15 |
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on (#5WFZE)
WASHINGTON—In an attempt to show the international community that America’s threats were not to be taken lightly, the United States reportedly imposed a single painful economic sanction on itself Thursday just to show Russia how fucking crazy it was. “I hope you can take a lotta pain, ’cause we sure as hell can,” said …Read more...
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on (#5WFYE)
WASHINGTON—Bewildered at Vladimir Putin’s reckless decision to launch an assault across the Ukrainian border, U.S. President Joe Biden expressed shock Thursday that Russia would choose to invade another country after seeing how badly America’s recent invasions went. “We thought that the last couple decades or so of…Read more...
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on (#5WFXZ)
MOSCOW, WASHINGTON, KIEV, LONDON, PARIS, OTTAWA, BERLIN—As the ongoing conflict intensified significantly early Thursday when Russia launched military strikes in Ukraine, leaders from around the world vowed that regular people just trying to live their lives would bear the consequences of whatever comes next. “If…Read more...
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on (#5WFQQ)
CINCINNATI—In an impassioned call for a new era of social and economic justice, local man Dale Teffera, 37, told reporters Thursday that he dreams of living in a more equal America that just sort of happens on its own. “My greatest hope is to wake up one morning and suddenly find myself in a country where, somehow,…Read more...
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on (#5WFQS)
ROCKFORD, IL—Tossing the 29-year-old man into the sprawling, empty facility and slamming the steel security door shut, Amazon transferred an insubordinate employee to shifts working in a solitary warehouse, sources confirmed Thursday. “The wellbeing of our employees will always be Amazon’s number-one priority, which…Read more...
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on (#5WFQR)
MAPLEWOOD, MN—In what the company described as “a delicious way to clean dishes,” abrasive product manufacturer Scotch-Brite announced Thursday it would begin offering a new scouring bread specifically designed for wiping up any dried pasta sauce that is left behind on a plate. “With our all-new, heavy-duty scouring…Read more...
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on (#5WFCN)
With studios only willing to pay top talent tens of millions of dollars to act in films, Hollywood actors are often forced to find other sources of revenue to survive. Here are several entrepreneurial celebrities you never knew started their own brands of alcohol.Read more...
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on (#5WFB7)
A Utah man told his 4-year-old son to shoot at police officers who were attempting to arrest him in a McDonald’s drive-thru after an incident that began over an incorrect food order, with the child wounding one officer before being disarmed. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5WEWN)
Truth Social, a new social media platform backed by former President Donald Trump, soft-launched on Sunday and is already courting controversy. The Onion tells you everything you need to know about Truth Social.
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on (#5WEJH)
With culture wars on the rise across the country, more and more school boards are voting to permanently suspend access to certain pieces of literature. We asked famous authors to describe how it felt to have their books banned, and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#5WEEF)
HARVEY, IL—A group of high schoolers were reportedly left astonished Wednesday after a military recruiter’s pitch was surprisingly upfront about how many civilians you get to kill. “It wasn’t even hidden in there, it was, like, the second or third sentence of his reasons to enlist,” said senior Gavin McComb, adding…Read more...
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on (#5WEEG)
WINNETKA, IL—Disappointed that the object was not the intriguing plaything he had initially perceived it to be, local 8-month-old child Josiah O’Connell reportedly removed the plastic bag from his head Wednesday after reading, “Warning: Not A Children’s Toy.” “Aw, fuck, well that’s a shame—I was really looking forward…Read more...
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on (#5WE6C)
A Swedish startup is training crows to pick up discarded cigarette butts from the streets as part of a cost-cutting drive, the wild birds receiving a little food for every butt they deposit into a machine that collects them for disposal.What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5WDG0)
A burning transport ship carrying more than 1,000 luxury cars, including Porsches, was left drifting in the mid-Atlantic after the huge vessel’s 22 crew members were evacuated due to the fire. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5WDBP)
CUPERTINO, CA—With an upgrade it described as a game changer for the optometric health of its users, Apple announced Tuesday it had created a new iOS setting for iPhone that would reduce eyestrain by displaying black text on a black background of an identical shade. “Apple is proud to introduce an even darker ‘dark…Read more...
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on (#5WD9X)
COLUMBUS, OH—The sorrow in their eyes evident as they spoke in unnervingly subdued, hushed tones, sources confirmed Tuesday that everybody was counting on you and you let them down. “Well, you really blew it this time,” said sources who lowered and shook their heads as they expressed just how high the stakes had been,…Read more...
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on (#5WBZM)
NEW YORK—Saying that when he looked in the mirror, he no longer saw the man he once deceived himself to be, local man Ron Stockton, 37, told reporters Monday that over the years he had become just a shell of his imagined self. “Somewhere along the way, I lost sight of my [wholly invented] purpose, and the [completely…Read more...
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on (#5WBXD)
Cryptocurrency might not be real, but that doesn’t stop countless Americans from researching it, buying it, and pissing away their wealth with it every single day. For Onion readers in need of a primer, here are the most frequently Googled cryptocurrency questions and their answers.Read more...
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on (#5W9WC)
A recent report found that the winning bid in the auction for former first lady Melania Trump’s NFT came from a virtual wallet that belongs to the same organization that launched the project, suggesting the $185,000 bid came from Trump herself. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5W999)
BOSTON—Hailing the update as a streamlined alternative for overwhelmed families, the newly revamped Boston Children’s Museum announced Friday that it was losing the bullshit by providing visitors with nothing but thousands of buttons that light up when pressed. “Kids and parents alike can cut to the chase and…Read more...
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on (#5W8Q0)
Billionaire Peter Thiel has invested $1.5 million into launching a dating app called The Right Stuff, which caters to conservatives who have complained about finding themselves excluded from dating circles in large cities where liberals tend to live. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5W8H3)
Eating right is a great way to boost your immune system as well as your mental health, but changing your habits and sticking to a regimen can be daunting. Fortunately, you don’t have to do any of that hard work, if you follow The Onion’s tips for eating healthy in just three bites.
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on (#5W8Q1)
WOLF CREEK, AL—Reacting with dismay to news that the beloved marsupial faced an extinction threat, a member of the painted rocksnail species of mollusks told reporters Thursday it was really fucked if an animal as cute as a koala had become endangered. “I’ve just got to face reality here and own up to the fact that if…Read more...
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on (#5W86G)
BALTIMORE—Confirming the indicator remains a constant across the diverse range of human sexuality, a new study released Thursday by Johns Hopkins University found that the best marker of desirability was still a wet finger making a sizzle sound when touched to a person’s leg. “This new data reinforces prior findings…Read more...
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on (#5W80X)
San Francisco police used DNA collected as part of a rape exam to link a woman to a property crime, a practice which critics claim violates her constitutional rights and will deter victims of sexual assault from coming forward. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5W80W)
Addiction is totally normal when it comes to drugs and alcohol, but if you find yourself having sex on a regular basis, you might have a problem. Here are some of the biggest signs you may be addicted to sex.Read more...
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on (#5W77C)
WATERLOO, IA—Carefully preparing the morsel so it would appear appetizing and not arouse suspicion, local man Brendan McHenry reportedly hid an engagement ring inside a piece of cheese Wednesday so his girlfriend, Abby Shuster, would take it without making too much of a fuss. “Does Abby want a piece of cheese? Does…Read more...
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on (#5W71R)
Nearly 12 years after the premiere of Jackass 3D, Johnny Knoxville, Steve-O, and the gang have released Jackass Forever. In honor of the franchise’s latest film, we asked cast members to describe their most dangerous stunts, and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#5W6VZ)
Researchers in Switzerland have developed a spinal cord implant that uses a nerve-stimulating device controlled by a touchscreen tablet that has already allowed for a paralyzed man with a completely severed spine to walk again. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5W6VY)
ALBUQUERQUE, NM—Feeling the sweat bead on his forehead as he realized the questions about his life were serious and not part of a sales pitch, local man Matthew Estrada’s vision reportedly sharpened and time slowed to a crawl Tuesday after a stranger started trying to make a genuine human connection with him. Reports…Read more...
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on (#5W6VX)
WASHINGTON—With sweat beading on his forehead as he pressed his tongue to his lips in concentration, President Joe Biden reportedly shot himself in the foot Wednesday in hopes of getting discharged from the presidency. “All right, Joe, it’s going to hurt like hell, but if it gets you out of this snake pit, it’ll…Read more...
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on (#5W6VW)
Although it has been used to a lesser extent in previous Winter Games, the Beijing Olympics are the first to use all artificial snow, a substance commonplace at ski resorts and even on film sets. The Onion takes a step-by-step look at how artificial snow is made.
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on (#5W6VV)
SAN DIEGO—Instructing their confused 4-year-old not to point or stare at the primates at the San Diego Zoo, local parents Jen and Mark Haskell were reportedly forced to explain the thrill of having sex in public to their daughter Wednesday after a pair of monkeys started mating in front of them. “Honey, right now, the…Read more...
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on (#5W615)
NEW YORK—Following a lengthy five-year legal battle, sources confirmed Tuesday that a federal judge had dismissed a libel suit brought against The New York Times by cannibal terrorist Sarah Palin. “The law sets a very high standard for actual malice, and in this case, the notorious anti-Semite and serial killer was…Read more...
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on (#5W5YZ)
FRISCO, TX—Having finally given in after years of feeling compelled to be more like everyone else, the societal pressure to conform appeared to be doing nothing but favors for area man Scott Gilcrest, sources confirmed Tuesday. “Doing everything I can to fit in has prevented people from getting to know the real me,…Read more...
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on (#5W5M7)
CHICAGO—Mentioning the ingredient option several times throughout the detailed set of instructions, a new gelatin mold recipe found Tuesday on a package of Jell-O repeatedly suggests the classic dessert could be prepared with the cremated remains of a loved one. “For a fun twist on an old favorite, consider mixing a…Read more...
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on (#5W5M8)
OCEANSIDE, CA—Fidgeting in his seat as the speaker went on and on, local man Al Bartlett confirmed Tuesday that the person who lost his whole family as a result of his addiction was really commandeering that night’s Alcoholics Anonymous meeting. “Oh, for crying out loud, we don’t need a play-by-play of each time you…Read more...
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on (#5W5G9)
Although there are plenty of reputable Covid testing sites that give fast, accurate results, there are also fraudulent ones that prey on unsuspecting customers and collect their private medical information. When choosing a Covid test site for yourself or your family, keep an eye out for the following warning signs.Read more...
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on (#5W4XG)
Across the nation, Americans are finding unique ways to express their love for their significant others. How are you celebrating Valentine’s Day?Read more...
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on (#5W4XH)
She’s over it, dirtbag!Read more...
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