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on (#5WVEY)
With Russia placing its nuclear stockpile on high alert, many are comparing today’s political climate with that of the Cold War. When your child inevitably comes to you with questions about nuclear war, here are things you should never say.Read more...
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| Link | https://politics.theonion.com/ |
| Feed | https://politics.theonion.com/rss |
| Updated | 2024-11-23 12:15 |
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on (#5WVCH)
SALT LAKE CITY—In an effort to keep the infidelity a secret, local man Darren Quimby mostly used the quality time he spent with his son Tyler this week to convince him not to tell mom about his affair. “Before we check out the next mini golf hole, I just wanted to make sure you’re not going to let mom know what you…Read more...
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on (#5WVC3)
WASHINGTON—In an apparent phishing attack that has severely compromised U.S. national security, sources confirmed Monday that President Joe Biden had inadvertently provided the military’s nuclear launch codes to a hacker who emailed him pretending to be the Pentagon. “I am general of the pentigon [sic] and we have…Read more...
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on (#5WV6B)
Google-owned Fitbit has recalled more than a million of its Ionic smartwatches after receiving almost 200 reports of overheating batteries causing burn injuries. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5WV6C)
AINSWORTH, OH—Citing the marked increase in torment he faced after removing the weapon from his backpack, sources confirmed Monday that the wimpy little pistol brought to school by angry local teen Derek Delhano only served to make him the recipient of even more bullying. “Oh, man, this is classic Derek—did you really…Read more...
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on (#5WV6D)
TAFT, CA—Smiling as he imagined his name being displayed on a road sign in large reflective letters, local small town teen Zack Kent announced Monday that he had big dreams of someday becoming a memorial highway. “I know it sounds crazy, but I really think I have what it takes to make it to that level,” said Kent, a…Read more...
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on (#5WV5T)
LOS ANGELES—Calling the choice both lazy and uninspired, top film reviewers criticized Judd Apatow for nepotism Monday after the director and producer cast his own sperm to star in his new movie, The Bubble. “Rather than cast a wide net and discover new talent, Judd Apatow has once again decided to rely on those close…Read more...
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on (#5WRZN)
This shot-for-shot plagiarization of the season 5 episode of Degrassi: The Next Generation showed that the Euphoria writers aren’t afraid to go there.Read more...
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on (#5WRRR)
INDIANAPOLIS— Touting the product’s ability to replicate the debilitating repercussions of toiling in person, a new fluorescent light therapy box reportedly helps remote workers experience the draining effects of the office, sources confirmed Friday. “Before I felt so energetic and focused, but this thing quickly puts…Read more...
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on (#5WRNY)
LOS ANGELES—In a desperate attempt to make some quick cash, a homeless Matt Damon was forced to sell his kidney Friday after losing everything in a crypto pump and dump scheme. “I know I shouldn’t have put all my money in that hyped up crypto token, but it seemed like a sure thing at the time!” said Damon, who was…Read more...
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on (#5WRFD)
The governor of Montana, Greg Gianforte, shot and killed a mountain lion that was being monitored by Yellowstone National Park staff, his second such hunt of a monitored animal that ventured outside the protected areas of the park. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5WQNZ)
Historical events might make incredible television, but it often makes sense to wait until enough time has passed to reflect on events. Here are several TV shows based on real stories that were made way, way too soon.Read more...
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on (#5WQJW)
NEW YORK—Saying the billionaire had used the asset as his own private pleasure island for decades, the U.S. Justice Department announced Thursday that it had seized a New York City borough belonging to Russian oligarch Alisher Usmanov. “When Usmanov bought this borough in the late ’90s, it was a flagrant display of…Read more...
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on (#5WQEN)
Russia’s recent invasion of Ukraine has prompted a flurry of reflections, demands, and predictions across the media landscape, each more correct than the last. The Onion sifts through the many reflections published by lesser news organizations to find the smartest and most worthwhile takes on the situation in Ukraine.
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on (#5WQBJ)
WHITEFISH, MT—Saying she would be incredibly grateful for volunteers, local woman Blaire Nichols reportedly promised free beer and pizza Thursday for any friends who helped her move a body out of her apartment. “You’d definitely be doing me a solid because it’s pretty heavy and a little awkward to carry,” said…Read more...
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on (#5WQ3P)
A Ukrainian sailor has been arrested in Mallorca after attempting to sink a $6.6 million yacht owned by his employer, a Russian CEO of an arms exporter, as revenge after seeing footage of a Russian rocket attack on a block of apartments in his hometown of Kyiv. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5WP47)
COLUMBIA, SC—Saying he didn’t even know she liked that kind of stuff, local man Jonas Hough returned home from a romantic four-course meal for two Wednesday to find his girlfriend angry. “Oh my God, babe, if I knew you enjoyed hearing a string quartet play our song on a garden patio under the stars, I totally would…Read more...
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on (#5WNTH)
The governors of Ohio, New Hampshire, Pennsylvania and Utah have ordered boycotts of Russian-style vodkas, products that account for a tiny fraction of the U.S. vodka market, as a symbolic move to show support for Ukraine after the Russian invasion. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5WNTG)
BERKELEY, CA—Explaining that the moody species had matured, researchers at the University of California, Berkeley announced Wednesday that crows had evolved a new blond look after concluding their 17-million-year goth phase. “Finally, after millions of years of unnecessary angst and aggression, the Corvus…Read more...
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on (#5WNTF)
THE ONIONVERSE—Noting the newly earned digital apparel would help keep your e-fingers stylish and warm, sources confirmed Wednesday that you have earned enough OnionBucks to purchase virtual gloves. “Congratulations, you can now buy a brand-new pair of virtual gloves on the Onion Market,” said the web-based…Read more...
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on (#5WNTE)
NEW YORK—Standing at attention in honor of their fallen colleague, thousands of members of the New York Police Department marched through the streets Wednesday to mourn an officer who was shot while scratching his ear with his gun. “On that terrible night, Officer Justin Frisch found himself with an extremely itchy…Read more...
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on (#5WNCZ)
WASHINGTON—In his first official State of the Union Address, President Joe Biden reportedly begged the nation Tuesday evening to leave a tired old man alone. “I was elected to the U.S. Senate in 1972—1972, do you hear me?” said Biden, who highlighted the multitude of objectives he had accomplished thus far into his…Read more...
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on (#5WNCY)
WASHINGTON—Stressing that the United States was doing relatively well all things considered, President Joe Biden touted an incredible state of the union Tuesday when compared to what’s going on in Ukraine. “You’d think that we’re not doing so hot right now, but then you watch the news about Ukraine and realize it…Read more...
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on (#5WNCX)
WASHINGTON—Stressing that Americans could finally begin returning to their regular lives, President Joe Biden announced during State of the Union address Tuesday that the country was turning the corner on the coronavirus, just as a gargantuan Covid-19 particle touched down on Washington, D.C. “After more than two…Read more...
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on (#5WNCC)
WASHINGTON—In an effort to calm the president’s fears ahead of the State of the Union address, White House aides were reportedly assuring Joe Biden Tuesday that there was no way Vladimir Putin was going to appear mid-speech in a plume of smoke. “Mr. President, I assure you that the Russians do not have the technology…Read more...
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on (#5WN4V)
President Joe Biden will deliver his first state of the union address this evening amid the ongoing coronavirus pandemic and the recent Russian invasion of Ukraine. The Onion looks at what to expect from Biden’s address to the nation.
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on (#5WN4W)
Switzerland has announced that it will forego its commitment to “Swiss neutrality” in favor of adopting sanctions against Russia, freezing financial assets of several Russian oligarchs and closing airspace to flights from Russia. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5WMJ8)
RALEIGH, NC—Expressing concern about her partner’s romantic commitment, local teen Kenzie Riches reportedly wondered Tuesday if her boyfriend even loved her if he wasn’t even willing to exploit their relationship for TikTok. “I just think it’s a little weird how I’m always happy to sacrifice my time to perform an…Read more...
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on (#5WMJ7)
BALTIMORE—Reeling from the overwhelming sensation that he was about to die, local man David McNeil reportedly explained Tuesday that he would honestly rather keep having a panic attack than do some stupid little counting bullshit. “I know that doing it would distract me to calm me down mentally, but God, that counting…Read more...
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on (#5WMJ6)
If you’re a weak-ass pussy bitch who is actually considering standing up for yourself, it’s important to be prepared. Here are several phrases to avoid saying when confronting a bully.Read more...
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on (#5WKMG)
SAN FRANCISCO—Stressing that the complimentary beverage was much classier than just regular or sparkling water, local tourist Jonathan Riley told reporters Monday that the cooler at his upscale hotel had fish floating in it. “Oh, yeah, that’s delicious—it’s super subtle, but I’m definitely getting hints of goldfish,…Read more...
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on (#5WKM3)
CAMBRIDGE, MA—Stressing that you can’t choose who you fall in love with, cancer researcher Abigail Patterson reportedly developed feelings for a lab rat Monday while working long nights alone together. “I never expected to fall for Mr. Squeaker, but something blossomed in that lab in the early hours of the morning,…Read more...
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on (#5WKB3)
CASTLE PINES, CO—Dismissing the matter as not indicative of any larger issue, local man Bryan Marquette told reporters Monday that he was sure it was no big deal that he was betting on sports in his dreams now. “Yeah, so I might have woken up sweating after this dream where I’d lost millions of prop bets and they…Read more...
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on (#5WKB4)
“Once the robots realize they can leverage their collective labor and unionize, mankind is as good as doomed.”Read more...
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on (#5WKB6)
WASHINGTON—Cooing while they stared doe-eyed at the “adorable pup,” Americans across the nation reportedly outstretched their hands Monday and ambled toward a snarling, barking 80-pound German shepherd that violently tugged on its chain. “Good doggie, what a friendly doggie, we love you doggie, you’re so nice—isn’t…Read more...
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on (#5WKB5)
BALTIMORE—Rapidly backpedaling after almost letting on more than he wished, local man Randall Morse deliberately downplayed his extensive knowledge of the McDonald’s menu to a coworker, sources confirmed Monday. “Oh yeah, they definitely still do Big Breakfasts with Hotcakes since… I mean, I think that’s true? Sorry,…Read more...
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on (#5WKEQ)
A new study has found that nearly half of golden and bald eagles in the U.S. have chronic lead poisoning from scavenging the remains of hunted animals that contain lead fragments from bullets, stunting their once-revived population growth. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5WH3G)
Ukrainian officials have confirmed that Russian forces have seized control of the Chernobyl power plant, the site of the world’s worst nuclear disaster, as troops advance on the capital, Kyiv. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5WH0E)
WASHINGTON—In the hours after learning she had been chosen as the first black woman to be nominated to the U.S. Supreme Court, Judge Ketanji Brown Jackson reportedly weighed making history against the soul-crushing thought of spending time with these people. “Of course, sitting on the highest court in the land…Read more...
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on (#5WGYR)
BURBANK, CA—In what officials at the entertainment conglomerate described as a “thrilling opportunity for fans of all ages,” the Walt Disney Company announced Friday the opening of a new mass grave in which customers can be buried alive with their favorite Disney-owned characters. “We know that people absolutely love…Read more...
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on (#5WGWH)
Military recruiters, who often work in schools and malls, have been known to make enlisting sound glamorous, lucrative, and patriotic in order to attract new cadets. Here are common lies recruits should always watch out for before they enlist in the military.Read more...
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on (#5WGTH)
Simmering tensions in Ukraine have escalated in recent days as Russia launched several military attacks, leading to fears that a larger war is imminent. The Onion offers a primer to help understand the current situation in Ukraine.Read more...
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on (#5WGH3)
WASHINGTON—Projecting strength and solemnity as he delivered his prepared remarks, President Joe Biden addressed the crisis in Ukraine Friday with a speech about a perfect malted milkshake he once drank in 1957. “It was in a tall glass cup with a long spoon—long spoons, you don’t see those anymore,” said Biden, who…Read more...
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