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Updated 2024-11-23 14:00
Couple Finally Reaches Breaking Point In Relationship Where They Open, Honest With Each Other
FORT WORTH, TX—Acknowledging that situations change over time, local couple Maryanne Lavin and Kevin Tuxford confirmed Monday they had finally reached a breaking point in their relationship where they were open and honest with each other. “Things had just been building up for so long that we finally got to an impasse…Read more...
Rudy Giuliani Reveal On ‘The Masked Singer’ Prompts Judges To Walk Out
Ken Jeong and Robin Thicke, judges on The Masked Singer reality television show, reportedly walked off set in protest after the contestant who was singing and dancing underneath a disguise was revealed to be Rudy Giuliani. What do you think?Read more...
Timeline Of Queen Elizabeth’s Reign
Queen Elizabeth II celebrates her platinum jubilee on Feb. 6, 2022, marking 70 years of rule for the longest-serving monarch in British history. The Onion looks back at the highlights of her reign.
Janet Yellen Surveys Warehouse Of Topless Women Sorting Out U.S. Treasury Cash
CLINTON, MD—Puffing on a cigar as she strode up and down the lines of tables piled high with stacks of $100 bills, Treasury Secretary Janet Yellen reportedly surveyed a warehouse Friday full of topless women sorting the department’s cash. “You’re all good girls, right? Momma takes care of you,” said Yellen, glancing…Read more...
Celebrity Chefs Describe Their Favorite Hangover Foods
After a long night of drinking, there’s nothing better than a big sloppy meal to sop it all up. We asked celebrity chefs to describe their favorite hangover foods, and this is what they said.Read more...
Kavanaugh, Gorsuch Recite Questions In Perfect Unison After Accidentally Memorizing Same Lines From Federalist Society Script
WASHINGTON—With the kerfuffle leading to a brief cessation in oral arguments, Supreme Court Justices Brett Kavanaugh and Neil Gorsuch reportedly recited their questions in perfect unison Friday after accidentally memorizing the same lines from a script sent to them by the Federalist Society. “It seems to me such…Read more...
Fossilized Evidence Reveals Extinction Of Dinosaurs Led To Brief Epoch When Asteroids Ruled The Earth
MÉRIDA, MEXICO—Shedding new light on a rarely discussed prehistoric era, paleontologists from the Ohio State University announced Friday they had uncovered fossilized evidence that confirmed the extinction of dinosaurs led to a brief epoch when asteroids ruled the Earth. “The fossil record clearly shows that after…Read more...
Domino’s Offering To ‘Tip’ Customers $3 For Ordering Carry-Out
Domino’s announced it would be offering customers a $3 credit towards a future purchase if they order online and choose carryout, the pizza chain hoping the promotion helps to alleviate problems being caused by the worker shortage. What do you think?Read more...
Study Finds Deer Only Mammal Besides Humans That Totally Suck
STARKVILLE, MS—Shedding new light on the ecology of the common woodland creature, a new study published Friday by Mississippi State University biologists has found that deer are the only mammal besides humans that totally suck. “For centuries, the scientific community had assumed that humans were the only mammals who…Read more...
Neurosurgeon Holds Spinal Cord Between Teeth To Free Up Hands While Performing Delicate Incision
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Tide Unveils New Guy Who Will Lick Stains Off You
CINCINNATI—Hailing the product as a major breakthrough in laundry technology, the detergent brand Tide announced Thursday that its top-selling line of household products now includes a guy who comes into your home and licks the stains off you. “We at Tide are proud to introduce Greg, our latest weapon in the war…Read more...
FBI Urges Olympic Athletes To Leave Personal Cell Phones At Home
The FBI has warned Olympic athletes not to bring their personal phones but to get burner phones instead before heading to Beijing for the Winter Games, citing possible “malicious cyber activities.” What do you think?Read more...
Pentagon Pleasantly Surprised To Discover ISIS Leader Killed During Indiscriminate Bombing Of Middle East
WASHINGTON—In a development they described as a “fortuitous coincidence,” top Pentagon officials confirmed Thursday they were pleasantly surprised to discover ISIS leader Abu Ibrahim al-Hashimi al-Qurashi was killed during their indiscriminate bombing of the Middle East. “In the early hours of the morning, American…Read more...
Democrats, Republicans Spar Over Whether Judge ‘Unnamed Black Woman’ Qualified For Supreme Court
WASHINGTON—Digging in for what could become a weeks-long battle, Democratics and Republicans in Congress reportedly began sparring Thursday over whether Judge Unnamed Black Woman was qualified for the Supreme Court. “I’m shocked that President Biden, who was elected to office with the promise that he would bridge…Read more...
Washington Commanders Primed To Sign Free Agents After Receiving $30 Billion From Defense Budget
WASHINGTON—Saying the cash windfall will go a long way in shoring up their mediocre offense, the newly renamed Washington Commanders told reporters Thursday that they are primed to sign top-tier free agents this off season after receiving $30 billion in funding from the U.S. Department of Defense. “We had some good…Read more...
Shields Are At 30% And Falling: Could Another Direct Hit Be More Than This Old Bucket Of Bolts Can Handle?
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Movies That Were Changed Drastically For Chinese Audiences
In China, the world’s largest movie market, stringent government censorship often leads to movies being drastically altered in ways that do not reflect the intentions of filmmakers. Here are some of the most notable cases of movies that were re-edited for Chinese audiences.Read more...
Centuries Of Agricultural Inbreeding Produce Apple With Warped, Protruding Jaw
SALEM, OR—In an unsettling development that elicited gasps and whispered horror from local townspeople, orchard sources reported Thursday that centuries of agricultural inbreeding had produced an apple with a warped, protruding jaw. “They’ve tried to keep the Granny Smith bloodline pure for 150 years, but nature…Read more...
‘New York Times’ Buys Online Game Wordle
The New York Times announced Monday it has bought Wordle, the free once-a-day online word game that exploded in popularity in recent months, saying the game would initially remain free once it moves over to the Times’ site. What do you think?Read more...
Tips For Dealing With Depression From Our Coworker Who’s Clearly Going Through Some Stuff Pt. 2
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Tom Brady Spends First Day Of Retirement Studying Tape Of People To Learn How They Work
TAMPA, FL—Diligently taking notes on hours of slowed-down video footage, future Hall of Fame quarterback Tom Brady reportedly spent his first day of retirement Tuesday studying tape of people to learn how they operate off the field. “It’s important I study every minute of this so I know what to expect out there,” said…Read more...
Bat Out Of Hell And Into Heaven
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Bookie Can Be Real Jerk When He Doesn’t Get His Money
PATERSON, NJ—Explaining that his gambling associate was otherwise a perfectly pleasant individual, local man Jim Hameroff, 49, told reporters Tuesday that his bookie could be a real jerk when he didn’t get his money. “I tell you, my bookie gets a real bee in his bonnet anytime I don’t pay him, or I come up short by a…Read more...
Voter Suppression Laws In Every State
The Onion provides in-depth coverage of how voters are “legally” intimidated, disenfranchised, and discriminated against at the state level.Read more...
Climate Report Finds Humanity’s Plot To Kill Off Emperor Penguin By Heating Planet Going Exactly As Planned
GENEVA—Confirming that carbon emissions are on track to meet its ambitious goals, the U.N. Framework Convention on Climate Change released a report Tuesday that found humanity’s ongoing plot to kill the emperor penguin by heating the planet was going exactly as planned. “We have every reason to believe that human…Read more...
FTC Questions Merger Of Google With U.S. Government
WASHINGTON—Saying the move sparked antitrust concerns, as well as fears about the increased concentration of power in fewer corporate hands, the Federal Trade Commission questioned Tuesday the merger of Google with the U.S. government. “The proposal to merge Google, the three branches of government, and all 137…Read more...
Tennessee School District Bans Holocaust Graphic Novel ‘Maus’
A Tennessee School Board has voted unanimously to ban Maus, a Pulitzer Prize-winning graphic novel about the Holocaust, prompting blowback from critics who say it’s essential to teach children about the genocide. What do you think?Read more...
Red Flags To Look For When Booking An Airbnb
This is coded language that strongly suggests the location is on fire.Read more...
Tips For Dealing With Depression From Our Coworker Who’s Clearly Going Through Some Stuff Pt. 1
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Crypto Executives Assuage Environmental Concerns By Unveiling Digital Avatar Of Glacier
THE BLOCKCHAIN—In an effort to address mounting pressure from environmental advocates, cryptocurrency executives attempted Monday to address criticism over the massive carbon footprint of their technology by unveiling a digital avatar of a glacier. “We’ve heard your concerns about how crypto mining could exacerbate…Read more...
San Jose To Become First City In U.S. To Require Gun Insurance
San Jose, CA is the first U.S. city to pass a measure requiring gun owners to buy liability insurance to cover losses or damages resulting from any accidental use of the firearm, including death, injury, or property damage. What do you think?Read more...
Woman Disgusted By Magazine’s Glaring Use Of Photoshop In Spot-The-Difference Picture Game
PASO ROBLES, CA—Arguing that just because the changes were small didn’t mean they wouldn’t leave a lasting impact, local woman Ashley Hoffman told reporters Thursday she was disgusted by People Magazine’s glaring use of Photoshop in their spot-the-difference picture game. “Everyone from photographers, to writers, to…Read more...
U.S. Sends Military Advisors To Peace-Ravaged Country
WASHINGTON—Declaring that the current state of affairs had gone on long enough, U.S. officials announced Monday that they were sending military advisors to the peace-ravaged country of Finland. “Starting next month, we’re deploying a team of our most dedicated and belligerent officials to Finland in an effort to…Read more...
Community Hopes Killing 2 In Drunk-Driving Accident Serves As Wake-Up Call To Promising Young Rich Kid
WINNETKA, IL—Responding to the tragedy with a triumphant show of support, members of a local community came together Monday to express hope that killing two people in a drunk-driving accident would serve as a wake-up call to the promising young rich kid responsible. “With any luck, this little mishap will be a turning…Read more...
The Onion Looks Back On The Greatest Quarterback To Lose 3 Super Bowls
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Greatest NFL Playoff Moments
Joe Montana’s six-yard pass to Dwight Clark is worth watching on YouTube today, so that modern fans can marvel at how a pretty standard catch was somehow mind blowing at the time.Read more...
‘Let’s Clear Some Cap Space,’ Says Stone-Faced Bill Belichick Watching Players Dig Own Graves
FOXBOROUGH, MA—Standing in the freezing rain at a site adjacent to Gillette Stadium, a stone-faced New England Patriots coach Bill Belichick was heard to utter, “Let’s clear some cap space,” on Friday as he watched players dig their own graves. “This is always a difficult decision, but we’ve got to make some cuts and…Read more...
Elite Selective Hospital Only Accepts 9% Of ICU Applicants
STANFORD, CA—With experts noting that it was more difficult than ever to secure a spot in a top medical facility, a study commissioned by U.S. News & World Report found that the most elite hospital only accepts 9% of ICU applicants. “What we’re seeing across the country is that ever-increasing competition among…Read more...
Jesus Christ Starts Rival Eternal Paradise After Family Rift
THE COSMOS—In an acrimonious parting of ways that follows more than two millennia of heavenly collaboration, Jesus Christ, the King of Kings and Lord of Lords, announced Friday He had started a rival eternal paradise after a bitter falling out with family. “Due to differing visions of what the future of heaven should…Read more...
NASA Gently Lowers Hot Dog On Fishing Line Into Black Hole
THE MILKY WAY—In an effort to understand the fundamental nature of the regions of space-time, NASA confirmed the launch of a mission Friday to gently lower a hot dog on a fishing line into the black hole known as Sagittarius A. “For decades, we have striven to grasp these mysterious features of our universe, and we…Read more...
China Changes ‘Fight Club’ Ending To Have Authorities Win
Tencent, a popular Chinese streaming platform, has released a version of Fight Club that replaces the scene in which buildings are blown up as part of a plan to destroy consumerism with a caption telling audiences that authorities showed up just in time to save the day. What do you think?Read more...
Despondent Buffalo Fan Wonders If Day Will Ever Come When He Too Blackout Drunk To Remember Bills Super Bowl Victory
EAST AURORA, NY—Lamenting that he may never get a chance to miss the greatest day of his life, local Buffalo Bills fan Mark Padula was reportedly despondent Thursday as he wondered if a day would ever come when he would be too blackout drunk to remember a Bills victory in the Super Bowl. “I’ve been a fan for almost 30…Read more...
Supreme Court Justice Stephen Breyer To Retire
Supreme Court Justice Stephen Breyer will reportedly step down at the end of the current term after nearly three decades on the bench, giving President Joe Biden an opportunity to nominate a successor who could serve for decades. What do you think?Read more...
Lies All Police Officers Are Legally Allowed To Tell You
Just because you have to be honest with cops doesn’t mean they have to be honest with you. Here are several common, totally legal lies that police officers will often tell you.Read more...
The Onion’s Test Sweatshop Helps You Design Your Dream Kitchen
Deciding which products will fulfill your basic needs or that gaping hole in your heart can be stressful. The Onion’s Test Sweatshop is here to help. Every product we recommend has been tested for over 50,000 hours by our army of indentured product testers. The Onion doesn’t make any money off these recommendations…Read more...
Pittsburgh Honors Ben Roethlisberger With Commemorative Statue In Women’s Bathroom
PITTSBURGH—Saluting the legacy of a quarterback who brought two Super Bowls to the city and did so much to local women, Pittsburgh honored a retiring Ben Roethlisberger Thursday with a new commemorative statue in a local women’s bathroom. “We can’t think of a more fitting tribute to this Pittsburgh hero than a monument…Read more...
Spectators Cheer As Zookeeper Throws Fish To Very Chubby Boy
SAN DIEGO, CA—Watching with rapt enjoyment while employees hauled out buckets of herring, spectators cheered wildly Thursday as a zookeeper at the San Diego Zoo threw fish to a very chubby boy. “Woo-hoo, look at him jump and dance around—that little boy caught the whole fish right in his mouth,” said visitor Jodie…Read more...
Ana de Armas Fans Sue Hollywood Studio Over ‘Deceptive’ Film Trailer
Fans of Ana de Armas have filed a class action lawsuit against Universal Studios, claiming they were duped into renting the movie Yesterday when the trailer showed a brief glimpse of de Armas despite her character having been cut from the finished film. What do you think?Read more...
Celebrities Explain Why They Are Investing In Crypto
“I like the independence of investing in something that I can control the value of with one tweet.”Read more...
Chinese Man Unsure If ‘Godzilla Vs. Kong’ Actually That Bad Or If Government Altered It
CHENGDU, CHINA—Expressing concerns about the blockbuster’s incoherent narrative and lack of real character development, local man Zhong Wei confirmed Wednesday that he was unsure if Godzilla Vs. Kong was actually this bad or if the Chinese government had simply altered the film. “There are definitely some huge plot…Read more...
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