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| Link | https://politics.theonion.com/ |
| Feed | https://politics.theonion.com/rss |
| Updated | 2024-11-23 17:30 |
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on (#5TDA0)
Scientists have confirmed the existence of “superionic ice,” a dense, dark, and ultra-hot form of matter thought to comprise the bulk of icy planets by using lasers to squeeze a water droplet between two diamonds and blast it to star-like temperatures. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5TD9Z)
VERNON, NJ—As he stepped cautiously toward the strange new colors on the supermarket shelf, local man Chuck Atkinson’s natural instinct to fear the unfamiliar was reportedly overcome Monday by a condiment’s promise of “great barbecue taste.” Witnesses said Atkinson first froze in place at the sight of the curious…Read more...
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on (#5TD9Y)
According to a new Pew Research Center survey, some 44% of adults ages 18 to 49 who don’t have children say they were “not too likely” or “not at all likely” to have kids down the road, up seven percentage points from 2018. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5TBE6)
This holiday season, try not being a total asshole. Here are the most offensive things you can say to someone who doesn’t celebrate Christmas.
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on (#5TBE5)
A new study suggests that grandmothers are more emotionally connected to their grandchildren than to their own children after brain scans showed regions associated with emotional empathy activated looking at photos of grandchildren while only regions for cognitive empathy activated when looking at photos of their…Read more...
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on (#5TBE4)
A new study has determined domestic cats display the traits associated with the definition of being a psychopath: callous, unemotional, and morally depraved. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5TBE3)
GLOUCESTER, MA—Saying it was the least he could do given the amount they’d shelled out over the years, parents of local man Liam Corrigan told reporters Friday that they’d spent too much money on piano lessons for their son not to play a dumb little song every time he comes home. “We dropped close to 10 grand over the…Read more...
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on (#5TAYT)
NEW HAVEN, CT—Dramatically rolling her eyes as the comment was made, local woman Katrina Barnes, reportedly became annoyed at her mother Thursday for suggesting it might be time to consider freezing her leftovers. “Sweetheart, don’t get mad, but I think you’re at an age now when you need to start planning ahead for…Read more...
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on (#5TAPH)
With the resurgence of the novel coronavirus, the thought of boarding a plane, bus, or train can be quite daunting. Here’s what to say if you’re not comfortable traveling during the Covid-19 pandemic.Read more...
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on (#5TAFJ)
FAIRFIELD, CA—At last following up on the success of their Harry Potter-themed candies, Jelly Belly released new flavors of jelly beans Thursday based on J.K. Rowling’s other works. “J.K. Rowling fans have enjoyed Harry Potter Bertie Bott’s Every Flavour Beans for years now, and we’re confident they’ll be just as…Read more...
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on (#5TAFH)
Two babies survived one of the deadly tornadoes that hit Kentucky two weeks ago after the bathtub they were sheltering in was ripped out of the ground and tossed with them inside, their grandmother later finding them in the yard with only minor injuries. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5T9ZX)
President Biden has announced that next month, the government will start mailing free at-home Covid test kits to any U.S. household that requests one to help stop the spread of the omicron variant. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5T9TZ)
WASHINGTON—Due to limited household supplies of the decorative appliance accessory, more fridge magnets have been forced to take on extra work holding up Christmas cards over the holidays, experts reported Wednesday. “With the increased demands of the season, nearly half of American refrigerator magnets have been left…Read more...
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on (#5T9JF)
TOPEKA, KS—Following repeated appeals for the man to sample “just one little bite,” sources confirmed Wednesday that the whole nation had gathered around 28-year-old picky eater Elijah Chapman in an attempt to make him try things he didn’t like. “How can you say you don’t like something if you haven’t really given it…Read more...
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on (#5T9JE)
A Philadelphia woman recently gave birth to her baby while in the front seat of her Tesla as it drove on autopilot to the hospital. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5T9JD)
BEND, OR—As he excitedly slapped a teammate on the back after delivering a pinpoint 30-yard throw in practice, sources confirmed Wednesday that local star quarterback Cole Rabuck was blissfully unaware he would be the New York Jets’ starter four years from now. “He goes out there every day, he’s got a great arm, and…Read more...
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on (#5T9JC)
Trust us, you never want to be that person. Here are the worst mistakes you can make at a company holiday party.Read more...
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on (#5T8Z5)
Democratic Sen. Joe Manchin (WV) said in a recent interview that he will vote no on the Build Back Better Act, legislation that would expand the social safety net while reducing Americans’ childcare and healthcare costs and combating climate change. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5T8T0)
NEW YORK—As she waited in line at the pickup counter Tuesday, local woman Beth Morton said, “Ooohhh, that sounds good!” upon hearing the pharmacy order of the person in front of her, according to witnesses at a midtown Duane Reade. “I came in here thinking I knew exactly what I wanted, but now I may have to change…Read more...
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on (#5T8M0)
When in doubt, always lie. Here are things you should never say if someone gives you a gift you don’t like.Read more...
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on (#5T8M1)
“I get people tennis balls as stocking stuffers. When people say I just grabbed them from Wimbledon or something, I’m right there with the receipt from Walmart.”Read more...
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on (#5T8FA)
MEMPHIS, TN—Shaking their heads at how things used to be while they filled up trash bags in the station, members of the Memphis Police Department had reportedly finally gotten around to throwing out a bunch of old, embarrassing evidence from the 1980s, sources confirmed Tuesday. “Oh my god, how terrible does all this…Read more...
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on (#5T82M)
The Food and Drug Administration announced it will permanently remove a key restriction on medication used to terminate pregnancies, allowing abortion pills to be available by mail instead of requiring patients to obtain the pills in person from specially certified health providers. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5T82N)
MIAMI—Following a spectacular night that your completely uninfected friends will be talking about for years to come, a new report out this weekend confirmed that no one got Covid and you missed out on one hell of a party, my friend. According to the detailed and comprehensive report, 100% of the partygoers remained…Read more...
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on (#5T7TQ)
WASHINGTON—In an urgent plea to authorities asking for a break from the emotionally draining duty, America’s next of kin announced Monday that they were exhausted and depleted from years of continually identifying dead bodies. “Sometimes it feels as if our only purpose in life is to head down to the morgue and help…Read more...
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on (#5T7QT)
NEW YORK—Screaming as they pointed at each other’s sweaters and then pointed down at their own, 330 million Americans cried, “Look, we’re matching!” upon realizing they were all wearing leopard print, sources confirmed Monday. “Oh my gosh, same sweater,” said local woman Dina Morris, 43, who was reportedly as…Read more...
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on (#5T7QV)
If you’ve somehow managed to surround yourself with a loving group of friends and family, don’t rub it in. Here are things to never say to someone who is alone for the holidays.Read more...
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on (#5T7MM)
Scientists in Australia are using robotic fish that look like a natural predator to scare off invasive mosquitofish, with the frightening interaction making them so anxious that they stop breeding.” What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5T5WM)
Representative Jim Jordan’s office has confirmed the congressman forwarded detailed plans from a former U.S. defense department official for the Vice President to reject election results to prevent Joe Biden from becoming president. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5T5PY)
The annual rate of inflation in the United States rose to 6.2% in October 2021, the highest such increase in three decades. The Onion answers the most common questions about inflation.
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on (#5T5WN)
WASHINGTON—Emphasizing that force was the only thing that would stymie the House inquiry into the insurrection, members of Congress stated Friday that the work of the Select Committee to Investigate the January 6th Attack on the United States Capitol would continue until a group of patriotic Americans was brave enough…Read more...
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on (#5T5KP)
If you think getting crammed into the cheap seats like livestock is luxurious, wait until you hear about this. Here are the things no one tells you happen when you fly first class.Read more...
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on (#5T59J)
BAGHDAD—Urging the unmanned aerial vehicle to keep holding on, U.S. Army Pfc. Dirk Mahon reportedly held a fatally wounded drone in his arms Friday while telling it they would still go on that trip to Las Vegas together, the one they had always talked about. “Just picture it—you and me checking out the clubs, taking…Read more...
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