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on (#5TXZD)
NEW YORK—Refusing to maintain a good attitude and make the most of the situation, hostages at a midtown branch of People’s United Bank reportedly spent Wednesday whining as if they weren’t getting the whole day off work. “Jeez, I understand that getting tied up and thrown in the vault might be a little annoying,…Read more...
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| Link | https://politics.theonion.com/ |
| Feed | https://politics.theonion.com/rss |
| Updated | 2024-11-23 15:45 |
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on (#5TXCY)
SEATTLE—Seeking damages from its competitors totaling tens of billions of dollars, the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation reportedly filed a lawsuit Tuesday against thousands of charities for infringing on its trademark concept of philanthropy. “It has unfortunately come to our attention that there are charitable…Read more...
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on (#5TX28)
Retirement can be an exciting moment for coworkers, friends, or family, but it’s also a time filled with anxieties about what the future holds. Here are some common pitfalls to avoid when talking to an acquaintance about their upcoming retirement.Read more...
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on (#5TWZR)
EUGENE, OR—Promising to locate the loved one’s final resting place right away, the staff at Sacred Heart Cemetery assured a local family that their grandfather was buried around here somewhere, sources confirmed Tuesday. “Don’t worry, I’m pretty sure he’s gotta be in one of these sections over here,” said Lewis…Read more...
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on (#5TWTN)
Engineers are rushing to stabilize San Francisco’s Millennium Tower, a 58-story, 645-foot tall luxury residential skyscraper that has been sinking into the ground by three inches per year, and is now leaning over two feet off of center. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5TWTM)
NEW YORK—Struggling to remain detached from his subject matter, local journalist James Malvern was reportedly worried Tuesday that he was becoming the story in his sponsored air purifier review. “While I set out to write a simple recommendation of the Air Fine 2700 to our readers, I couldn’t help but start…Read more...
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on (#5TWTK)
MIDWEST CITY, OK—Expressing shock after the laboratory report listed his origin as simply “N/A,” local resident Greg Hurt confirmed he was completely horrified Tuesday after a genealogy test confirmed he did not have a past. “No…it can’t…it can’t be—I come from nowhere?” Hurt said as he scanned his results from the…Read more...
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on (#5TSC2)
BAGHDAD—Staring into the middle distance as the day’s atrocities replayed in his head, U.S. Army Pfc. Jake Citterton told reporters Friday that he had seen things he feared would haunt him for the rest of the afternoon. “The blood, the screaming, the looks on the children’s faces—I don’t know if I’m going to be able…Read more...
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on (#5TS9Q)
Stating that it “takes away our humanity,” Pope Francis made comments criticizing the selfishness of couples who choose to have dogs and cats instead of children. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5TS0M)
Hundreds of drivers in Virginia were stuck for almost 24 hours earlier this week after a multi-truck crash was exacerbated by a blizzard. The Onion looks back at the worst traffic jams of all time.
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on (#5TR9A)
WASHINGTON—Nervously fiddling with their new white belts as they waited for their instructor in the training hall, U.S. Congress members reportedly prepared for another Jan. 6 on Thursday by participating in a group class at the D.C.-area True Method Karate Studio. “We simply cannot allow what happened last year to…Read more...
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on (#5TS5N)
WINCHESTER, NV—In a turn of events that sent attendees and tech reporters fleeing in terror, sources confirmed Consumer Electronics Show presenter Adam Pawlak was strangled to death by a tree root Friday as nature revolted against 10,000 years of human technological domination. Witnesses confirmed that Pawlak had …Read more...
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on (#5TR5E)
Grammy organizers have announced that the award show, originally slated for Jan. 31, will be rescheduled for an undetermined later date, citing “the uncertainty surrounding the Omicron variant.” What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5TR3R)
WASHINGTON—In a stirring speech at the U.S. Capitol Thursday morning, President Joe Biden vowed not to forget the lessons of the Jan. 6 riot, urging Americans to hang former Vice President Mike Pence. “We stand here today to declare that we will not back down in the face of tyranny, and we will gut the traitor Pence…Read more...
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on (#5TR3C)
It’s been one year since supporters of then-President Donald Trump breached the U.S. Capitol in an effort to overturn his 2020 election loss, and pretty much everyone has thoughts about it. The Onion sifts through the many Jan. 6 essays published by lesser news organizations to find the smartest and most worthwhile…Read more...
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on (#5TR1C)
A snowstorm stranded Virginia motorists on Interstate 95 for more than 24 hours, forcing hundreds to spend the night in their cars amid freezing temperatures, some with little to no food or water. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5TQMB)
Betty White died on Dec. 31, 2021, after an entertainment career spanning seven decades. The Onion looks back at the most memorable moments from her star-studded life.
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on (#5TQJH)
SHREWSBURY, MA—Praising the corn-based product’s tenacity and refusal to give up, local man Noah Hiatt told reporters Thursday that he couldn’t help but be proud of a strong tortilla chip. “I’m not taking it easy on this guy, but he just goes on shouldering this weight no matter how many nacho toppings I pile on,”…Read more...
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on (#5TPV7)
EDINBURGH, SCOTLAND—Saying she could only express her heartfelt remorse to any fans who felt misled, author J.K. Rowling apologized Wednesday for not making it clear that the character Ron Weasley was her intended anti-Semitic caricature in the Harry Potter series. “Obviously, I’ve always portrayed Ron as a lowly…Read more...
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on (#5TNCA)
STAFFORD, VA—Frustrated by his failure to properly plan for the massive traffic jam along I-95, local driver Ken Boswell was reportedly kicking himself Tuesday for eating the entire hitchhiker he had picked up before getting stuck in last night’s snowstorm. “I wish I had checked the weather and known what I was…Read more...
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on (#5TMSG)
EVANSTON, IL—Admitting that the anticipation had been the worst part, a local rabbit who was recently caught by a hawk confirmed Tuesday that it was in all honesty relieved it could finally just relax. “You know, you spend your whole life living in fear that one day this big catastrophe is going to happen to you, and…Read more...
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on (#5TMSF)
Your boss may be stupid, but they’re not that stupid. Here are common excuses people use to get out of work that management will see right through.
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on (#5TMSE)
SAN FRANCISCO—Hoping to expand access to the important municipal resource, the city of San Francisco reportedly announced the construction of 20 new miles of secret underground tunnels Wednesday for vloggers to explore. “We are happy to announce that we’ve broken ground on a whole new system of spooky tunnels for…Read more...
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on (#5TKKG)
MEADE COUNTY, SD—In a first-of-its-kind discovery that suggests not all Cretaceous-period females prioritized the traditional goals of settling down and having children, paleontologists from Boston University announced Monday they had found fossil evidence of a career-oriented dinosaur who froze her eggs. “This…Read more...
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on (#5TKKE)
Each year, Americans celebrate New Year’s Eve by resolving to change some aspect of their lives. What is your New Year’s resolution?Read more...
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on (#5TKKC)
A recent study has discovered that healthy men between the ages of 20 and 65 who vaped nicotine daily were more than twice as likely to report experiencing erectile dysfunction. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5TH4K)
LOS ANGELES—Touting the tool’s ability to bore through several layers of skull in order to balance the body’s unknowable ethers, Gwyneth Paltrow introduced a new diamond-encrusted trepanation drill and drainage bucket on her website, sources confirmed Friday. “With just a few cranks, this elegant, stainless steel…Read more...
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on (#5TH4J)
A Maryland homeowner trying to get rid of a snake infestation accidentally burned their house to the ground, causing about $1 million in damages, with officials stating that the well-being of the snakes was still “undetermined.” What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5TH4H)
Dictionary.com has named “allyship” as its word of the year for 2021, noting the old noun taking on another definition: “The role of a person who advocates for inclusion of a ‘marginalized or politicized group’ in solidarity but not as a member.” What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5TH4G)
TEMPE, AZ—Telling reporters that the notion helped inspire him to continue creating, Keith Gein, a local music box artisan, expressed his hope Friday that his latest work would delight at least one child in the post-apocalypse. “I work hard on each of my crafted items, so it’s nice to imagine that eventually one of…Read more...
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on (#5TG2C)
With another challenging year finally coming to a close, it’s time to turn over a new leaf and attempt—with little success—to improve yourself. Here are several common idiotic New Year’s resolutions you’ll never actually keep.Read more...
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on (#5TG2B)
A dentist in Italy faces possible criminal charges after trying to use a fake silicone arm to receive a coronavirus vaccine in order to obtain a “super” health pass required to enter restaurants and venues in Italy. What do you think?
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on (#5TG2A)
Dollar General will be opening 1,000 locations for its new store called Popshelf, which is aimed at younger, wealthier, suburban customers, selling higher-profit items like home goods and seasonal decor. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5TG29)
CROFTON, MD—Conscientiously stowing away the important note, local man Gary Chen carefully placed a piece of paper in his back pocket Thursday to make sure it would end up going through the washing machine. “Gotta make sure to keep this in a safe spot,” said Chen of the piece of paper containing important information…Read more...
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on (#5TG28)
SAN DIEGO—In an effort to decrease the widespread social shaming often associated with being unhoused, a new city initiative unveiled Thursday reportedly aims to decrease stigma against the homeless by making the majority of people homeless. “It’s our hope that we’ll see more empathy with our homeless population by…Read more...
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on (#5TG27)
KENNESAW, GA—Shuddering at the thought of what eating that much might do to her body, local woman Jessica Hummel was reportedly disgusted Thursday after finding out there were well over 2,000 calories in her recommended daily intake. “Jesus, I knew it was probably a lot, but I didn’t think it would be that bad,” said…Read more...
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on (#5TF1R)
A Michigan woman faces up to nine years in prison after pleading guilty to solicitation of murder for trying to hire someone to kill her ex-husband on the fake website, RentAHitman.com, where she filled out the “service request form” with a $5,000 offer of payment. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5TF1Q)
STANFORD, CA—Since the darkest days of the War on Terror, popular support for overseas military conflicts has dwindled among Americans, but according to a report released Wednesday by the Hoover Institution, the majority of the nation would approve of a new war if elephants were used in combat. “Of all potential…Read more...
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on (#5TE4C)
WASHINGTON—Noting a massive amount of pressure that had been slowly building in the system for years, experts warned Tuesday that the nation’s aging sewer infrastructure could be just one huge turd away from total collapse. “At this point, all it would take is for one person to eat too much of something they…Read more...
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on (#5TE4B)
When bullets, gun powder, and idiots mix, sometimes the results can be disastrous. Here are the biggest mistakes all gun owners make.Read more...
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on (#5TE49)
Walmart has started doing fully driverless box truck deliveries on a fixed seven-mile loop in Arkansas between its own locations as part of a delivery pilot program to test shipping stock from a warehouse to one of its stores. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5TE47)
ELYRIA, OH—Silencing her phone in frustration after the day’s fourth unprompted alert, local homeowner Delia Reid confirmed Tuesday that her Ring home security camera was now just texting her news stories about Black-on-Black crime. “Nothing at my house has gone wrong at all, but I can’t go 20 minutes without getting…Read more...
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on (#5TDA3)
Look, we’ll admit it! Everyone here at OGN loves video games. In fact, sometimes we get so excited speculating about upcoming titles or dissecting the latest industry controversies, we tend to forget that, for most people, gaming is just one aspect of life. We realize we can definitely be a little bit one-note in that…Read more...
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on (#5TDA2)
FOOTHILL RANCH, CA—In an effort to market “something a little bit different” to diehard fans of its lifestyle brand, sports apparel company Oakley unveiled a new line of sunglasses Monday specifically designed for wear on the front of the head. “We’re excited to expand into eyewear with these sleek new performance…Read more...
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