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on (#5SR2E)
CNN has fired anchor Chris Cuomo after new evidence emerged about his use of media sources to defend his brother, former Gov. Andrew Cuomo (D-NY), of sexual assault as well as a sexual misconduct allegation brought against the anchor. What do you think?Read more...
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| Link | https://politics.theonion.com/ |
| Feed | https://politics.theonion.com/rss |
| Updated | 2024-11-23 15:45 |
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on (#5SQXE)
CARLSBAD, CA—In a moment that reportedly caused viewers to reflect at how much freedom comedians used to have, an old TV show’s joke about Richard Nixon being the current president would never fly today, sources confirmed Monday. “It just shows how much things have changed—if a late-night show host got up there today…Read more...
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on (#5SQXF)
SIOUX CITY, IA—Facing scrutiny for a double standard when it comes to gender, the Federal Witness Protection Program was under fire Monday for what detractors called a clear failure to create believable female identities. “Women make up 50% of the population and yet most of these witnesses are reduced to playing…Read more...
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on (#5SQVD)
The Onion provides in-depth coverage of how female reproductive rights are mangled, mutilated, and butchered at the state level.Read more...
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on (#5SQVC)
ROCKFORD, IL—His joints cracking as he struggled to conceal himself amid the landscaping outside an area home, aging stalker Geoff Morton reported Monday that he wasn’t sure how many good years of crouching in bushes and peering through windows he had left. “I’d best enjoy this while I still can, because lately I get…Read more...
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on (#5SQJM)
The Chicago-area mansion featured in the 1990 Christmas film Home Alone has been made available to book on Airbnb, with the one-night only stay featuring “booby traps” and the actor who played Buzz greeting guests. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5SQ03)
SEATTLE—Telling reporters that he had never seen a play drawn up like that before, Seattle Seahawks center Kyle Fuller admitted his confusion Sunday over a complicated scheme that required him to make a block. “I thought I understood what I was supposed to do on the play until the offensive coordinator drew this…Read more...
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on (#5SPVC)
MADISON, NJ—Wildly celebrating after the line held its ground on a 3rd and 2, centrist NFL fan Brian Ducklo reportedly spent all day Sunday rooting for the line of scrimmage. “These radical fans on either side don’t understand that the real important thing is where the ball is, and it shouldn’t move too far past the…Read more...
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on (#5SND0)
Germany has announced a lockdown for the 26% of its population not vaccinated against Covid-19, banning them from all non-essential businesses in order to curb the country’s recent surge in coronavirus. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5SNCA)
CINCINNATI—In a horrifying accident that is said to have resulted from obsessive and irresponsible attempts to develop a product with the thickest quilting possible, multiple scientists at paper towel manufacturer Bounty reportedly died screaming Friday after an experimental prototype absorbed their entire lab. “My…Read more...
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on (#5SN6Y)
If your partner is sending you this article, you might have a problem. Here are the biggest signs the spark has left your relationship.Read more...
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on (#5SN4S)
NEW YORK—In an effort to keep customers apprised of what to expect on their trip, a United Airlines email with the subject line “Information About Your Upcoming Flight” reportedly informed passengers Friday that airplane will go in sky. “You go up, up, up!” read the informational email in part, confirming that sky was…Read more...
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on (#5SN1N)
The B.1.1.529, or Omicron, variant of the coronavirus was reported by the World Health Organization on November 24, and speculation about it is now running rampant. The Onion answers the most pressing questions about the Covid Omicron variant.
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on (#5SMSM)
DENVER—Still feeling shaken from their narrow escape, a local party was evacuated Friday following numerous reports of the host assembling some sort of activity. “He started directing everyone toward the living room, and that’s when I knew I needed to get out of there fast as I could,” said 29-year-old Christopher…Read more...
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on (#5SKXY)
Trump’s Chief of Staff Mark Meadows claims in a new book that the former president first tested positive for Covid-19 three days before his first debate with Joe Biden in 2020, and nine days before being hospitalized for the virus. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5SKSP)
CHICAGO—In an effort to expand the facility’s diagnostic testing capabilities, Mount Sinai Medical Center announced Thursday it had begun offering a $20,000 scan that hospital administrators described as “a vital tool” to help physicians detect whether a patient has feet. “With the addition of our new lower-extremity…Read more...
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on (#5SKSQ)
As if sharing your life with a loving, supportive significant other wasn’t bad enough. Here are the most obvious signs your mother-in-law actually hates you.Read more...
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on (#5SKPP)
Celebrities are just like us: stupid and miserable. They’re also much richer and more important, which makes their lives more interesting than ours. The Onion asked singer-songwriter Taylor Swift to provide a window into a typical week in her life.
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on (#5SKPQ)
NEW YORK—Officials from Brooklyn’s Metropolitan Detention Center issued a statement Thursday acknowledging a security lapse that led to Ghislaine Maxwell spending the night in the prison’s noose room. “As a high-risk prisoner, Ghislaine Maxwell should never have been allowed in the noose room for more than two hours…Read more...
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on (#5SKKN)
WASHINGTON—Americans were urged to be on high alert Thursday after Mark Milley, chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, warned that dozens of foreign powers have access to food. “Intelligence from our operatives across the globe reveals the disturbing reality that the vast majority of our potential foreign adversaries…Read more...
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on (#5SKBN)
BUFFALO, NY—Tipping back their heads and laughing as they watched their victims struggle helplessly, Starbucks executives were dangling tied-up union organizers over a vat of steamed milk, sources confirmed Thursday. “We wanted to thank you for all your hard work organizing our baristas by making you a special…Read more...
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on (#5SKBJ)
WASHINGTON—Glowering into the cameras and turning beet red as they scowled, the nation’s mothers held a press conference Thursday demanding to know where you heard that word. “Get over here, mister—get over here now,” said 38-year-old Deandra O’Neill of Austin, TX who was just one of millions of mothers from small…Read more...
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on (#5SJGA)
Hello! We are addressing ourselves to the individual inside the First Savings Bank on Fourth and Grand. You are speaking to the Onion Gamers Network. Please remain calm. We just want to talk to you. You’re a professional; we’re a professional gaming journalism site. We can certainly come to some sort of agreement…Read more...
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on (#5SJFY)
Dr. Mehmet Oz, a cardiothoracic surgeon and television personality, announced he is running for the U.S. Senate in Pennsylvania as a Republican to succeed retiring Senator Pat Toomey, joining an already crowded GOP primary for the open seat. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5SJAN)
HARRISBURG, PA—Making the declaration the latest in a line of medically questionable advice, Dr. Mehmet Oz issued a full-throated endorsement of the U.S. Senate Wednesday despite its proven deadly side effects. “Once again, we are seeing Dr. Oz lend his credibility to a dubious system that many believe actually does…Read more...
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on (#5SJ4Y)
ESTERO, FL—Calling the recent signing of Tom Brady “exciting as long as it goes better than last time,” Hertz CEO Paul Stone told reporters Wednesday that they hoped signing a football player as a spokesperson would not end with two people being murdered again. “We’re excited Tom is part of the Hertz team, but we got…Read more...
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on (#5SJ4Z)
WASHINGTON—With no choice but to suspend the planned outing and await more favorable conditions, NASA announced Wednesday it had delayed a space walk after a heavy snow began to fall in outer space. “Unfortunately, a front has moved into our solar system, causing a severe blizzard that forced us to postpone this…Read more...
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on (#5SJ50)
BATON ROUGE, LA—Calling it a harmless fib to fit in and let him do his job without distraction, former Notre Dame head coach Brian Kelly admitted to reporters Wednesday that he never actually believed in God. “All that God crap, I just said that to get the job—I mean we all fudge our resumes a little bit, right?” said…Read more...
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on (#5SHW9)
The trial for Ghislaine Maxwell began Monday in Manhattan. The Onion answers the most important questions about the trial of Ghislaine Maxwell.
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on (#5SH29)
When it comes to your body, people should keep their opinions to themselves. Here’s what to say when someone says you need to lose weight.
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on (#5SGZQ)
WASHINGTON—Struggling to describe her work responsibilities in the most favorable manner possible, Vice President Kamala Harris wrote, “Handled variety of tasks,” on the self-assessment portion of her annual White House performance review, administration officials confirmed Tuesday. “Obviously, I want to give myself a…Read more...
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on (#5SGXS)
Readers, get ready for some gaming insight, because the Square Enix writers behind the hit Kingdom Hearts series just gave us an exclusive interview about why they’ll never include the coward, Marlin the clownfish, in their game.Read more...
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on (#5SGR4)
PARSIPPANY, NJ—Touting the product’s ability to not only treat, but also prevent the condition, Dr. Scholl’s introduced a new amputation kit Tuesday for dry, cracked feet. “When hydrating foot balms and creams just won’t do the trick, reach for Dr. Scholl’s all-new Foot Amputation Kit, for dry and damaged skin beyond…Read more...
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on (#5SGB1)
The Quebec Maple Syrup Producers is releasing roughly 50 million pounds from its strategic maple syrup reserves, almost half of the stockpile, following a hot and short spring that led to a lower yield. What do you think?
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on (#5SFSZ)
NEW YORK—Confirming that her intense mood swings and dour composure were unrelated to any recent loss in the Broadway community, sources confirmed Monday that local theatre-loving friend Jennifer Kershner was crying for a different reason today. “She came out into the living room and announced teary-eyed that she…Read more...
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on (#5SFQ3)
Alabama police are investigating after an estimated 300 to 400 FedEx packages of various sizes were found dumped in a ravine north of Birmingham. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5SFKZ)
TULSA, OK—Saying the miniseries provided fresh insight into the subject matter, local man Barry Liptak, 43, told reporters Monday that Peter Jackson’s Get Back documentary gave him a much greater appreciation for how long eight hours feels. “Obviously, I’m familiar with the broad strokes of that length of time, but it…Read more...
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on (#5SFHW)
Honestly, it shouldn’t be that hard to just sit down and be polite on a plane. Here are things you should never, ever say to a flight attendant.Read more...
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on (#5SF8T)
LONDON—In a meeting to discuss possible adjustments to steel import tariffs, Prime Minister Boris Johnson confided to his cabinet Monday that he was unsure how the United Kingdom was one country but also four. “Just to digress for a moment, I’m still not entirely wrapping my head around how our country is also…Read more...
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on (#5SF8S)
YOUR LOCATION—Admitting they weren’t sure what exactly the Pulitzer Prize-winning investigative journalist wanted with the information, several sources confirmed Monday that Ronan Farrow has been asking people about you. “He didn’t say why, but he’s been going around asking your friends and coworkers to tell him what…Read more...
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on (#5SF8R)
LOS ANGELES—At fierce odds over the future of their organization, local nonprofit cofounders Nancy Jemison and Andrew Taylor were reportedly having a screaming match Monday over whether their mission was to ignite change or spark community impact. “Get your ass over here and tell me you want to plant the seeds of…Read more...
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on (#5SC93)
WESTPORT, CT—In the midst of a divorce and grateful to have had a friend’s guest room to crash in for the past couple months, local man Nate Suarez told reporters Friday that he hoped he would be able to return the favor when his host Mark Durden’s marriage imploded. “I really appreciate him helping me out while I…Read more...
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