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on (#5SC92)
HUESCA, SPAIN—After he choked up at the mere sight of the plastic tub tucked away in the back of his closet, sources confirmed Friday that local wildlife conservationist Juan Morales broke down in sobs as he went through a box of things that once belonged to the extinct Pyrenean ibex. “Oh God, I still miss that…Read more...
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| Link | https://politics.theonion.com/ |
| Feed | https://politics.theonion.com/rss |
| Updated | 2024-11-23 17:30 |
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on (#5SC91)
No one knows why Amazon randomly generates tremors throughout its fulfillment centers, only that you’re not getting paid for re-shelving 10,000 square feet of sneakers.Read more...
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on (#5SC90)
WASHINGTON—Snapping their fingers and hanging their heads in disappointment, the nation confirmed Friday that they nearly strung together three good days in a row. “Oh shucks, just a few more hours there and we would have had a hat trick,” said Andrew Heitzman, one of 330 millions visibly downcast Americans who loudly…Read more...
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on (#5SBEP)
NOVI, MI—Carefully scrutinizing the athletes lining up before the national anthem, Detroit Lions fan Greg Burnett was reportedly praying Thursday that the players start protesting police brutality or something so he could stop watching. “Christ, is it too much to ask some backup defensive back to take a knee against…Read more...
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on (#5SB5C)
All across the nation, families and loved ones are gathering to celebrate the Thanksgiving holiday. What are you thankful for this year?Read more...
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on (#5SB5B)
NEW YORK—Cheerfully presenting the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade alongside Hoda Kotb and Savannah Guthrie, Al Roker reminded viewers Thursday that all the balloons they see during the broadcast are currently up for adoption. “Today isn’t just about entertainment, it’s also about showing compassion for these gentle,…Read more...
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on (#5SB5A)
SUDBURY, MA—Their forks clattering to the table mere moments after the 16-year-old’s sudden announcement, Thanksgiving guests at the Ross family dinner reportedly froze in disbelief Thursday after teenage son Ryan informed them of the genocide of Native Americans. “No, no, it can’t be! Not my precious holiday!” said…Read more...
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on (#5SB59)
SEATTLE—In response to criticism about the company’s holiday schedules, Amazon announced Thursday that it would let warehouse employees work alongside their family members this Thanksgiving. “Opening up our fulfillment centers to the spouses and children of workers will help us better represent the generosity of the…Read more...
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on (#5SB58)
ROSSLYN, VA—In an effort to better serve customers who weren’t invited to or hosting holiday meals, Stouffer’s targeted people spending Thanksgiving alone Thursday with a new single-serve frozen family. “Our single-serve frozen families offer a convenient and intimate Thanksgiving solution for those who might…Read more...
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on (#5SB57)
Besides food, there’s nothing Americans love more than sitting down and spewing their most inflammatory opinions. Here are several things you should never say at the Thanksgiving dinner table.Read more...
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on (#5SABG)
Don’t know what to watch? Christ, what a sad problem. You’re pathetic. The Onion is here to uplift your miserable existence with recommendations for what to watch this long Thanksgiving weekend.
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on (#5SA8V)
The White House has announced that 95% of the federal workforce is in compliance with the Biden administration’s vaccine mandate, with 90% of the 3.5 million federal workers already vaccinated and 5% submitting approved or pending exemption applications. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5SA3M)
CENTERVILLE, OH—Hoping to salvage the holiday with a low-key get together, friendless man Clark Adams was reportedly making plans Wednesday for a makeshift Friendsgiving with family. “It’s not my first choice, but I don’t really want to spend the holiday alone, so I’ll see if I can throw something together with my…Read more...
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on (#5SA3D)
Get excited, RPG fans, because we’ve got some good news for you. It turns out that as human beings living in a modern society, we’re all playing some kind of role, no matter what. In fact, that seems to be the basic human condition!
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on (#5SA3E)
WASHINGTON—In an effort to stabilize rising fuel prices, President Joe Biden announced Wednesday he would order the Energy Department to release a five-gallon plastic can of gasoline from the nation’s Strategic Petroleum Reserves. “By tapping this emergency stockpile, we can ensure that if the American people run out…Read more...
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on (#5S9Q6)
NASHUA, NH—Indicating that the unfortunate occurrence had done irreparable damage, sources confirmed Friday that the friendship between local men Ben Cowsill and Jared Leon had buckled under the strain of a single sincere moment. Reports maintained that despite knowing one another for nearly 20 years, Cowsill and Leon…Read more...
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on (#5S9Q4)
LOS ANGELES—Blasting them for the constant noise while his team was trying to deliver their lines, Baker Mayfield admitted Wednesday that he was struggling to tune out the booing of Progressive fans on his commercial set. “Look, I’m going out there every day knowing I’m doing my best, and I’m trying not to let their…Read more...
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on (#5S9Q3)
DORAVILLE, GA—Acknowledging its culpability in a recent series of botched euthanasia attempts, international bedding giant Serta expressed remorse Wednesday and issued a recall for 200,000 of the company’s mercy killing pillows. “We wish to apologize to customers who were unable to put a loved one out of their misery…Read more...
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on (#5S9JP)
About 80 people rushed into a Nordstrom store in California, stealing merchandise and fleeing in a robbery that lasted less than two minutes, the latest in a spate of organized “mass thefts” that have recently hit businesses in several cities across the country. What do you think?Read more...
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Janet Yellen Announces Americans Can Use Promo Code ‘THANKS’ For 10% Off All U.S. Goods And Services
on (#5S8P2)
WASHINGTON—In a unique and limited-time offer for residents of the United States only, Janet Yellen announced Tuesday that Americans could use the promo code “THANKS” for 10% off all U.S. goods and services. “This Thanksgiving, the Treasury Department is saying ‘thanks’ with an exclusive promotion just for taxpayers,…Read more...
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on (#5S87N)
Everyone else is already insulting you, the last thing you need is for your own brain to join in. Here are several self-deprecating comments that are actually really harmful.Read more...
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on (#5S87M)
PHOENIX, AZ—With a rise in covid cases straining the state’s healthcare resources, overwhelmed Arizona hospitals were reportedly forced Tuesday to turn away patients who needed cactus spines plucked from their bare asses. “Unfortunately, our waiting room has already surpassed the limited number of chairs available for…Read more...
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on (#5S87K)
SEATTLE—In a highly euphoric state after consuming opioids that had traveled downstream from a wastewater treatment plant, a local fish confirmed Tuesday that he was too high on OxyContin runoff to give a shit about the inevitable extinction of his species. “Man, I am fucking blasted right now!” the 36-inch male…Read more...
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NFL Study Finds Concussion Symptoms Completely Disappear If You’ve Had An Even Number Of Concussions
on (#5S87J)
NEW YORK—Calling the discovery an encouraging breakthrough in treating serious CTE, a new study commissioned by the NFL and released Tuesday found that concussion symptoms completely disappear if you’ve had an even number of them. “It turns out that all the loss of memory and depressive feelings vanish within several…Read more...
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on (#5S82Z)
A rare surviving copy of the U.S. Constitution has sold at auction for a record $43.2 million, with an unknown buyer beating a crowdfunded bid by a cryptocurrency group. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5S7ER)
A jury has acquitted Kyle Rittenhouse of all charges in the shooting deaths of two men and wounding of a third at a Wisconsin protest against racial injustice last year, in a case that has intensified the debate over vigilantism, policing, and guns. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5S7D1)
Since our founding in 1947, Onion Gamers Network has built a relationship of trust with our readership. The passing years have brought countless changes, but none altered the one simple tenet at the core of our reportage: Our journalists stopped at nothing to publish the latest industry news and sneak-peaks, and, in…Read more...
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on (#5S7CA)
WASHINGTON—Huffing and puffing as he sprinted in over 30 minutes late to his 8 a.m. morning meeting, Tucker Carlson told coworkers he was late to work Monday because he got held up being murdered by hordes of violent minorities again. “Hello everyone, I know I’m late, I would have been here on time if I hadn’t just…Read more...
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on (#5S780)
You need to ingest over 100 pounds of the stuff in a 24-hour period to even have a shot at curing Covid, making this a functionally impossible cure.Read more...
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on (#5S781)
BALTIMORE, MD—Assured that her superior would rue the day he treated his employees so rudely, local woman Amanda Lassen confirmed Monday that her boss, Doug Southerton, wouldn’t act like such a jerk if he only knew how he was depicted in her unpublished novel. “He [Southerton] thinks it’s fun to throw his weight…Read more...
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on (#5S782)
WEST CHESTER, PA—In an effort to reach more sophisticated viewers, home-shopping channel QVC announced Monday the launch of a new primetime prestige infomercial that stars Bryan Cranston and Edie Falco in what the network described as a densely plotted, emotionally complex work of paid programming. “Our goal here is…Read more...
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on (#5S6WR)
Mayor of Cambridge, MD Andrew Bradshaw, was arrested and charged with 50 counts of distributing revenge porn of his ex-girlfriend on Subreddit forums, for which he faces two years in prison and a $5,000 fine if convicted. What do you think?
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on (#5S4F2)
The House has censured Republican Rep. Paul Gosar of Arizona and removed him from committee assignments for posting an animated video depicting him killing Democratic Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez with a sword. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5S4CZ)
Death hangs in the air of FromSoftware’s worlds. Decay haunts its castle corridors. Monsters and fiendish booby traps subject your hero to constant grisly setbacks. Yet something always draws series stalwarts back into the fray for one last boss fight or dungeon crawl. That’s how we felt jumping into Elden Ring’s…Read more...
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on (#5S47N)
MINNEAPOLIS—With record numbers of Americans quitting their jobs, a team of economists published data Friday that traces the trend known as the Great Resignation to Comedy Central’s continuous airing of Office Space during the formative years of the nation’s workforce. “An analysis of the classic comedy’s frequent…Read more...
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on (#5S44J)
Despite a concerted push by climate activists to phase out fossil fuels, many Americans—especially elected officials—remain hesitant. Here are the worst arguments people make against switching to renewable energy.Read more...
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on (#5S43F)
Singer-songwriter Adele will release her fourth album, 30, on November 19, marking another milestone in a career that has generated its share of appreciation as well as controversy. The Onion looks back at the most significant events in Adele’s career thus far.
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on (#5S420)
The U..S Capitol rioter nicknamed the “QAnon shaman” for his horned headdress has been sentenced to 41 months in prison for his role in the deadly Jan. 6 attack by former President Donald Trump’s followers. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5S2S1)
Although not as funny as Gabriel Iglesias or as good of a singer as Enrique Iglesias, Raisel is the best option baseball wise if you’re choosing an Iglesias.Read more...
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on (#5S2J4)
QUEENS, NY—Admitting that some personal reasons had factored in to him accepting the position, new New York Mets general manager Billy Eppler told reporters Thursday that he took the job to get closer to his son Mr. Met. “It’s honestly a dream come true to be able to work in the same organization as my beloved son,”…Read more...
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on (#5S29T)
CHICAGO—According to annoyed sources who saw the woman breeze past the long checkout line to the back of the store, a local Walgreens customer was really pushing it Thursday with regards to the amount of non-medical stuff she intended to buy at the pharmacy counter. “If she expects the pharmacist to ring all that up,…Read more...
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on (#5S29S)
Amazon has been ordered to pay a fine of $500,000 for hiding the number of Covid-19 cases at its California workplaces from employees, the first fine based on the state’s “right to know” legislation, which gives employers one day to notify staff of detected infection. What do you think?Read more...
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