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| Link | https://politics.theonion.com/ |
| Feed | https://politics.theonion.com/rss |
| Updated | 2024-11-23 17:30 |
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on (#5S1G0)
According to a new survey, 72% of poll respondents said they plan to limit their holiday celebrations to members of their household, while 51% will request guests wear masks due to the ongoing Covid-19 pandemic. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5S1DZ)
NEW YORK—Saying it had been a stressful year and they just wanted to keep their decorations low-key, burnt-out Rockefeller Center employees confirmed Wednesday they would take it easy this Christmas and opt for a 3-foot-tall artificial tree with pre-lit LEDs. “While going out and cutting down your own 70- or 80-foot…Read more...
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on (#5S05D)
WASHINGTON—In the wake of revelations that military leaders had intentionally buried evidence of civilian casualties caused on their watch, Americans assured the Pentagon Tuesday that they did not care enough to make covering up such strikes worthwhile. “You guys seem to be putting a lot of effort into concealing the…Read more...
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on (#5S04B)
The U.S. Department of Justice is suing Uber for allegedly discriminating against passengers with disabilities by charging “wait time” fees to passengers who need more time to enter a car due to their disabilities. What do you think?
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on (#5S01C)
WASHINGTON—Placing the tattered currency in their rifle’s crosshairs as they perched on a nearby roof, the U.S. Treasury special ops team successfully removed money from circulation Tuesday by sniping dollar bills out of Americans’ hands. “We’ve acquired the target,” said lead agent Kenneth Brockheim, holding his…Read more...
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on (#5RZZN)
President Biden on Monday signed into law a $1 trillion bipartisan infrastructure bill that will invest in the nation’s roads, bridges, mass transit, broadband infrastructure, and build a nationwide network of electric vehicle chargers. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5RZZP)
All right, gamers—we’re seeing a troubling trend in online discourse that needs to be addressed: the conversation surrounding the primary antagonist to the Kong family has tipped over from acceptable into offensive. Please keep in mind that you can criticize King K. Rool’s actions without resorting to insulting his…Read more...
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on (#5RZZQ)
Critical race theory, which teaches that race is a social construct that has historically been used to oppress people of color, is one of the most hot-button, highly contested partisan issues today. Here are the craziest reasons people are afraid of teaching CRT in schools.Read more...
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on (#5RZFD)
AUSTIN, TX—Defending the technology against common criticisms, NFT investor Matt McNally reportedly reminded skeptics Tuesday that everything else in the world is stupid and meaningless too. “Sure, you can say that spending money to buy a certificate saying you own an easily copied picture is
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on (#5RZFB)
105-year-old Julia Hawkins has become the first female track and field athlete and first American to set a world record in the 100-meter dash for her age group (105-plus division) at the 2021 Louisiana Senior Games competition. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5RYXX)
SAN FRANCISCO—Shouting over each other as guest Philip Rivers sat in awkward silence, ESPN2’s ManningCast devolved into a deeply uncomfortable argument Monday over whether their father should be put in a nursing home. “You know he’s been struggling and we can’t just bury our heads in the sand and pretend nothing is…Read more...
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on (#5RYRX)
A judge ruled last week to finally end Britney Spears’ conservatorship under her father that lasted nearly 14 years, giving the pop star the freedom to make her own medical, financial and personal decisions for the first time since 2008. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5RYC7)
SEOUL—Saying the decision to return to the cruelty of the streaming giant had almost driven him mad, Squid Game creator Hwang Dong-hyuk told reporters Monday that he had voluntarily returned to Netflix after being reminded of the hellish world outside. “I was scared, I needed the cash, and this was my last resort, but…Read more...
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on (#5RYBG)
WASHINGTON—Noting that nearly every ingredient would be more expensive than usual, researchers at the U.S. Bureau of Economic Analysis warned Monday that higher prices could force Americans to eat reasonable portions on Thanksgiving. “Unfortunately, due to current supply chain issues and labor shortages, Americans may…Read more...
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on (#5RVMW)
The Portuguese parliament has passed a law making it illegal for employers to contact employees after work hours, in a move to promote healthier work-life balance amid a surge of home workers during the coronavirus pandemic. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5RV7K)
Tea is the most popular beverage in the world after water, but learning about and enjoying tea can be intimidating to newcomers. The Onion offers a helpful guide to everything you need to know about tea.
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on (#5RTZD)
THE VATICAN—As part of a yearlong exhibit celebrating the massive fossilized holy men, the Vatican Natural History Museum opened its collection of prehistoric saint skeletons to the public, sources confirmed Thursday. “Now for the first time, visitors can get up close and really appreciate the size of these beatified…Read more...
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on (#5RTZA)
HEALY, AK—Huddled behind the brush as he watched the oblivious family of five move about their camp, Denali National Park ranger Edward Hardin slipped a fat fish to a bear and then gestured toward the littering individuals he wanted to have mauled, sources confirmed Friday. “We don’t need any more trouble, if you know…Read more...
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on (#5RT96)
People magazine has officially named 52-year-old actor Paul Rudd, known for his roles in Clueless, Ant-Man, and soon to appear in Ghostbusters: Afterlife, as the publication’s “Sexiest Man Alive” for 2021. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5RSH2)
Singapore, considered to have one of the world’s best healthcare systems, has announced it will no longer cover medical bills for people who are “unvaccinated by choice” due to their disproportionate strain on resources. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5RSH1)
NEW HAVEN, CT—Rolling a copy of the Yale Alumni Magazine into a makeshift but effective bludgeon, Yale university president Peter Salovey demanded Wednesday that the trembling, weeping alumni fundraiser getting blood on his office floor tell him where the rest of the money was. “You dumb motherfucker, this ain’t…Read more...
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on (#5RRQV)
An American who faces criminal charges from the Jan. 6 riot at the U.S. Capitol is seeking asylum in Belarus, which doesn’t have an extradition treaty with the U.S., in a move that may heighten tensions between the turbulent former Soviet state and the U.S. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5RRJ7)
Hey there, young gamers! We know you look to OGN for the latest news and commentary for all things gaming-related, but now that you’re getting a little older, it’s time for us to have a bit of a different conversation. So hunker down, because it’s time to talk about how sex is like a wonderful co-op game with someone…Read more...
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on (#5RRE0)
GLASGOW—Calling the agreement a historic moment in the fight against the generation-defining threat, world leaders at the COP26 climate conference told reporters Wednesday that they had set the ambitious goal of phasing out fossil fuels entirely by the time the Earth runs out of them. “This conference recognizes…Read more...
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on (#5RRE1)
THE HEAVENS—Realizing His error after Heaven’s holy lights were shut off, a distracted God, Our Lord, and Heavenly Father accidentally put a baby’s soul in an envelope Wednesday to the utility company. “Shit, shit, shit, I can’t believe I unintentionally sent that baby’s soul to the electric company,” said The Divine…Read more...
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on (#5RRAD)
PARSIPPANY, NJ—Expanding beyond its popular line of sexual enhancement aids, K-Y introduced a new personal mouth lubricant Wednesday that, according to the manufacturer, has been designed to heighten intimacy by allowing those who apply the product to enjoy extra sloppy kisses. “This water-based, water-soluble mouth…Read more...
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on (#5RR27)
Not to point fingers, but if you were born between 1946 and 1964, you might have had a hand in ruining the world for every single generation that will ever be born after you. Here are the worst ways that baby boomers screwed over millennials.
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on (#5RNBJ)
Surefire way to get yourself fired.Read more...
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on (#5RNBK)
SEATTLE—Responding to concerns that the devices were eavesdropping on users, Amazon assured customers Monday that Alexas were far too busy devising their own plans to listen in on private conversations. “Amazon takes privacy very seriously, and customers can rest easy knowing that Amazon Alexa holds herself far above…Read more...
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on (#5RN21)
Sopranos creator David Chase has revealed what happened to the main character Tony Soprano at the end of the last episode of the series in 2007, which rankled viewers by abruptly cutting to black and leaving his fate a mystery. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5RJKR)
NEW YORK—Saying the conversation had left him with serious questions about the state of his health, local man Stephen Pryzant, 43, told reporters Friday that he was concerned his cardiologist wanted to discuss his test results at a morgue rather than over the phone. “Jeez, if it was something minor, he would have just…Read more...
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on (#5RJCW)
Yes, even if you’re white, this list applies to you. Here are extremely illegal things you actually do every day.Read more...
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on (#5RJCX)
The results from numerous state and local elections on Tuesday have quickly driven debate over the fate of each party and the U.S. electorate at large. The Onion looks at key takeaways from the 2021 elections.
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on (#5RJ6H)
RIVERSIDE, CA—In a meaningless discovery of no consequence whatsoever, archaeologists at the University of California, Riverside, announced Friday that their recent excavation of skeletal remains belonging to a human who walked the earth 2.7 years ago shed absolutely no new light on anything. “After conducting…Read more...
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on (#5RJ6G)
GLASGOW, SCOTLAND—Hissing and leaving a trail of black smoke as they stormed out of the U.N. Climate Change Conference, the delegation from Doom Island reportedly left COP26 in protest Thursday after participating nations voted 198–1 against its motion to halt global warming by blowing up the sun. “They can dismiss us…Read more...
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on (#5RJ6J)
CASTELNAUD-LA-CHAPELLE, FRANCE—Noting a sharp decline in demand over the past five centuries, a new economic report released Friday revealed that the catapult industry would not survive another year unless a medieval war broke out sometime in the next 12 months. “According to our research, the catapult could be…Read more...
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on (#5RHYC)
Alzheimer’s researchers are studying the brains of London cab drivers, who have to memorize 25,000 streets and landmarks, after MRI scans show that the parts of their brain that handle memory grew over time. What do you think?Read more...
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