The Onion

MONTGOMERY, AL-Following the approval by state legislators of a bill that declares every human sperm has a God-given soul, a new measure signed into law Tuesday requires women in Alabama to leave semen on their lower backs for a full nine months. Today marks a triumph in our fight for the right of men to [...]The post New Alabama Law Requires Women To Leave Semen On Lower Back For 9 Months appeared first on The Onion.

HONOLULU-Refusing to pull any punches in his appraisal of the shoddy workmanship, vacationing dad David Stayton reportedly had some choice words about his hotel bathroom's caulking, family sources confirmed Tuesday. Jeez Louise, looks like it was somebody's first time taking the caulking gun for a spin," said Stayton as he grimly surveyed the disaster zone" [...]The post Dad Has Some Choice Words About Hotel Bathroom's Caulking appeared first on The Onion.

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ITHACA, NY-In an effort to help Americans get a better night's rest, sleep experts from Cornell University issued a recommendation Wednesday to cut back on God's light before bed. The Lord's divine grace can put the body into a state of religious excitement, so we typically suggest avoiding His holy light for two hours before [...]The post Sleep Experts Suggest Cutting Back On God's Light Before Bed appeared first on The Onion.

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LOWELL, MA-Doing her best to follow her therapist's advice for dealing with stressful situations, area woman Holly Debling reportedly reminded herself Tuesday not to catastrophize after she spotted four skeletal horsemen on the horizon. Okay, Holly, remember: Just because a great trumpet has sounded at the arrival of four unearthly riders, that doesn't necessarily mean [...]The post Woman Reminds Self Not To Catastrophize After Spotting 4 Skeletal Horsemen On Horizon appeared first on The Onion.

CLEVELAND-Honoring the concertgoer for his seemingly bottomless reserves of energy, the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame announced Thursday the induction of the guy going nuts in the front row. Tonight, we're proud to induct this wild-eyed guy for his commitment to going balls to the wall," said foundation chairman John Sykes, who lauded the [...]The post Rock & Roll Hall Of Fame Honors Guy Going Nuts In Front Row appeared first on The Onion.

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WASHINGTON-Explaining that such items constituted a veritable uniform for the notorious criminal organization, FBI director Kash Patel claimed Monday that gavels and black gowns were sufficient evidence to tie an individual to the MS-13 gang. For decades, MS-13 thugs have identified themselves by wearing black gowns and carrying around wooden hammers with which they could [...]The post FBI Claims Gavel, Black Gowns Prove Ties To MS-13 Gang appeared first on The Onion.

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VATICAN CITY-Barely containing his excitement for the selection of the next pope to begin, admittedly catty Cardinal Ruben Salazar Gomez confirmed Monday that he couldn't wait to see who had gotten fat since the last conclave. I know this is super bitchy, but I am basically only excited about the conclave to see who got [...]The post Catty Cardinal Can't Wait To See Who Got Fat Since Last Conclave appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-After dispatching Dear Colleague" letters to top cosmetology programs across the country, President Donald Trump threatened Monday to defund any beauty school that did not adhere to the standards of the MAGA movement. We've set exact metrics for hairstyles that comply with my administration's agenda, and any school that fails to respect our policies will [...]The post Trump Threatens To Defund Beauty Schools That Don't Comply With MAGA Standards appeared first on The Onion.

SACRAMENTO, CA-Believing that he was establishing a firm line between who he was as a person and what he did for a living, local man Jordan Wheeler, an employee of Creighton Industries who will ultimately spend 90,000 hours of his lifetime at the office, announced Monday that his work did not define him. According to [...]The post My Work Doesn't Define Me,' Says Man Who Will Spend 90,000 Hours Of Lifetime At Office appeared first on The Onion.

CAMBRIDGE, MA-Uncovering a troubling disruption of America's ecological systems, a study published Friday by researchers at Harvard University found that plants have become increasingly reliant on gig workers for pollination. Freelance pollen transfer has always been a part of seed plant reproductive strategies, but we were shocked to discover that the number of gig pollinators [...]The post Study Finds Plants Increasingly Reliant On Gig Workers For Pollination appeared first on The Onion.

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WASHINGTON-Promising to use all of his power as health secretary to find a cure for the condition, Robert F. Kennedy Jr. reportedly directed the National Institutes of Health on Friday to create a registry of U.S. introverts who sometimes get social anxiety. When I was younger, there were never people who liked to spend time [...]The post RFK Jr. Starts National Registry Of Introverts Who Sometimes Get Social Anxiety appeared first on The Onion.

VATICAN CITY-In a stunning discovery that revealed the full extent of the pontiff's addiction, Vatican coroner Fernando Ruini released a report Thursday confirming Pope Francis died of a eucharistic overdose. Our autopsy found the Holy Father had a substantial amount of Eucharist in his system- roughly four times the legal limit-at the time of death," [...]The post Vatican Coroner Confirms Eucharistic Overdose appeared first on The Onion.

MARYVILLE, TN-Relying on a precise measurement as though a slight miscalculation could be lethal, local woman Anna Gardner, who is said to be on a diet, reportedly weighed out peanut butter Thursday like it was hard drugs. Several reports indicated that Garner precisely laid a dollop of the Jif peanut butter onto a kitchen scale [...]The post Woman On Diet Weighing Out Peanut Butter Like It Hard Drugs appeared first on The Onion.

SILVER SPRING, MD-Emphasizing that these guidelines had already been issued to the public plenty of times, the U.S. Food and Drug Administration released a passive-aggressive safety alert Thursday reminding Americans that the serving tongs were there for a reason. We just thought we'd let everybody know that serving tongs are not there for decoration, they [...]The post FDA Issues Passive-Aggressive Reminder That Serving Tongs There For A Reason appeared first on The Onion.

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NEW YORK-Claiming it was the only way to protect one's assets against economic volatility, a group of financial experts recommended this week that Americans diversify their portfolios with multiple harebrained schemes. Rather than rely on a single half-baked investment, we strongly encourage people to have several cockamamie business plans to fall back on," said J.P. [...]The post Financial Experts Recommend Diversifying Portfolio With Multiple Harebrained Schemes appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Declaring that there was no better time for the U.S. populace to go cold turkey, Health and Human Services Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. reportedly attempted to flush the nation's antidepressants this week. Listen, I found these in your medicine cabinet," said Kennedy, the 71-year-old Cabinet member stunning Americans in all 50 states as he [...]The post RFK Jr. Flushes Nation's Antidepressants appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Claiming that preservation efforts had impeded U.S. seafood production for far too long, President Donald Trump announced Wednesday that he had opened up the nation's aquariums to commercial fishing. Starting today, fishermen will finally be allowed to sail into America's protected aquariums, drop a net in any marine exhibit they please, and begin trawling," Trump [...]The post Trump Opens Up Nation's Aquariums To Commercial Fishing appeared first on The Onion.

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White House sources have confirmed the successful execution of 19-year-old college sophomore Evan Dixon late last night by an elite team of special forces.The post Trump Announces Seal Team 6 Killed U.S. Protester In Daring Overnight Raid appeared first on The Onion.

THE HEAVENS-Admitting that He had barely even noticed the leader of the Catholic Church had died, God, our Lord and Heavenly Father, announced Tuesday that He was too obsessed with ants right now to focus on the next pope. While I want to commit to finding a successor to Pope Francis, I'm currently in kind [...]The post God Too Obsessed With Ants Right Now To Focus On Next Pope appeared first on The Onion.

VATICAN CITY-Saying this should be a time for the siblings to connect with one another and grieve, the late Pope Francis' children issued a statement Tuesday asking for privacy following their father's death. While we are sincerely touched by the outpouring of condolences from across the world, we request that you respect our family's need [...]The post Pope Francis' Children Ask For Privacy Following Father's Death appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Looking around with despair as he searched for an open seat in the Pentagon cafeteria, U.S. Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth was reportedly forced to drink his lunch alone Wednesday. According to witnesses, the 44-year-old former Fox News host wandered through the lunchroom and took slow, deliberate steps past tables filled with jovial military officers [...]The post Unpopular Pete HegsethForced To Drink Lunch Alone appeared first on The Onion.

WORCESTER, MA-Blinking in disbelief as the individual passed him on the street alive and well, local serial killer Aaron Samuel Christensen confirmed to reporters Tuesday that he could have sworn he killed that guy already. Is my memory playing tricks on me, or did I not just flay and disembowel that guy two weeks ago?" [...]The post Serial Killer Could Have Sworn He Killed That Guy Already appeared first on The Onion.

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VATICAN CITY-Saying he couldn't help but think I told you so" in the wake of the bishop of Rome's death, Cardinal Giuseppe Betori of Florence confirmed Monday that he was feeling pretty vindicated after having spent all of Easter dinner telling Pope Francis to ease off the butter. Yesterday I kept telling him, Your Holiness, [...]The post Cardinal Who Spent Easter Dinner Telling Pope To Ease Off The Butter Feeling Pretty Vindicated appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Staunchly defending his decision to share sensitive military data in messages to his wife, Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth told reporters Monday, There are no state secrets in a healthy relationship." Communication is key in every strong marriage, and that includes communication about airstrikes on foreign adversaries," said the Pentagon chief, who called the mere idea [...]The post Pete Hegseth: There Are No State Secrets In A Healthy Relationship' appeared first on The Onion.

LOS ANGELES-Saying the new format would help him present the series as he had always intended, Severance creator Dan Erickson announced Monday that the TV show's next season would be released solely as episode recaps on Vulture.com. After some debate in the writers' room, we concluded that 500-word write-ups in New York magazine's pop culture [...]The post Severance' Creator Says Next Season Of Show Will Solely Be Released As TV Recaps On Vulture.com appeared first on The Onion.

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