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by The Onion Staff on (#78HF7)
Vaccination rates of U.S. children have fallen beneath the threshold needed to maintain herd immunity, triggering measles outbreaks in many states. The Onion examines the myths and facts surrounding the highly contagious illness. MYTH: Measles is just a rash. FACT: You're much too comfortable with having a rash. MYTH: The measles virus can linger in [...]The post Measles: Myth Vs. Fact appeared first on The Onion.
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The Onion
| Link | https://theonion.com/ |
| Feed | https://www.theonion.com/rss |
| Updated | 2026-10-27 16:34 |
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by The Onion Staff on (#78HF6)
A new type of tiger cat that's smaller than a house cat was discovered in the Bolivian cloud forest, marking the first time in a century that a new species of wild cat has been identified. What do you think?The post First New Wild Cat Species Discovered In 100 Years appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#78GWT)
EAST RUTHERFORD, NJ-After divvying up a Bud Light six-pack and soggy Subway sandwiches purchased at an I-87 rest stop, a glum group of tailgaters in Section J of the MetLife Stadium parking lot confirmed Sunday that the tailgate across from them looked way more fun.Damn, those guys brought a portable generator just to power the [...]The post Report: Other Tailgate Looks More Fun appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#78GVA)
A new survey found that one third of Americans who have health coverage still have medical debt that they are paying off over time. What do you think?The post Survey Finds 1 In 3 Americans With Health Insurance Have Medical Debt appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#78GC9)
Former President Barack Obama announced that his family's Portuguese water dog Sunny, which they got in 2013 during their time in the White House, has passed away. What do you think?The post Obama Family Dog Passes Away appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#78G4Q)
The post Pitcher Clearly Ate Rosin Bag appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#78G35)
A Russian businessman with ties to Putin spent hundreds of thousands of dollars on Donald Trump Jr.'s wedding after party, raising ethical concerns and accusations of buying influence. What do you think?The post Russian Oligarch Bankrolls Donald Trump Jr.'s Wedding After Party appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#78FXA)
LOS ANGELES-Calling the effort the purest distillation to date of where she is as a dungeon master, pop star Olivia Rodrigo released her long-awaited tabletop roleplaying game The High Winter Elves Of Girlville on Friday. The multiplatinum artist, who appeared on an episode of The Eldritch Lorecast this week, spoke of how the years she [...]The post Olivia Rodrigo Releases Fantasy Tabletop Game The High Winter Elves Of Girlville' appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#78FXB)
HUNTSVILLE, AL-Claiming he had looked into the issue per the tenant's request, local landlord Ernest Morton told one of his renters Thursday that he had no choice but to take the hornets' side in a recent dispute that occurred at one of his properties.Look, I empathize with both perspectives on this matter, but at the [...]The post Landlord Takes Hornets' Side appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#78FXC)
After a misprint on the invitations, Flores and Acosta had a strict only-kids wedding.The post Freida Flores and Anthony Acosta appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#78FXD)
Pet lovers and health experts are divided over whether dogs should co-sleep with their owners. The Onion examines the pros and cons of letting dogs sleep in the bed. PRO They'll bark to let you know if anyone else is getting into bed Get more use out of matching pajamas Kind of fucked up not [...]The post Pros And Cons Of Letting Dogs Sleep In The Bed appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#78FXE)
NEW ORLEANS-Wondering aloud if there had been some kind of miscommunication on the part of the league, New Orleans Pelicans players told reporters Friday they couldn't help but notice they hadn't been included on the 2026-27 NBA schedule. I checked the schedule on NBA.com twice, and I don't see Pelicans' or New Orleans' anywhere, so [...]The post New Orleans Pelicans Can't Help But Notice They're Not On NBA Schedule This Year appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#78FTV)
The post I've Got A Bad Feline About This appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#78F7Y)
After two delays, the highly anticipated Grand Theft Auto VI will be released this November. Here is everything we know about the game so far. Open-world activities include playing volleyball, chess, cards, or GTA V Gunshot sound effects performed by Sir Ian McKellen Child support payments carry over from the real world Cars driven in [...]The post Everything We Know About Grand Theft Auto VI' So Far appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#78F7Z)
WASHINGTON-Insisting that the adjustment was long overdue, the Federal Bureau of Investigation announced Thursday that it would raise the national murder rate for the first time since 2023. For far too long, prior administrations succumbed to pressure to continuously reduce the number of Americans being intentionally shot, choked, or stabbed to death, which has led [...]The post FBI Moves To Raise Murder Rate For First Time Since 2023 appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#78F80)
Here are the steps the NFL follows to evaluate head injuries. Step 1: Player receives devastating helmet-to-helmet hit that leaves him motionless for 46 seconds Step 2: Spotter initiates protocol after noticing entire offense kneeling in prayer beside teammate Step 3: Referee blows ceremonial gjallarhorn to signal commencement of concussion protocol Step 4: Player is [...]The post The NFL Concussion Protocol: How The League Determines If A Player Can Return To The Game appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#78F5R)
The post Mitch McConnell Returns To Capitol Hill In Jar Of Formaldehyde appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#78F3H)
PHILADELPHIA-Shambling barefoot into a press conference to promote his next show, English artist Ed Sheeran introduced reporters Thursday to the sock puppets he had booked to open for him on his stadium tour. This is, uh, Jimmy and his songwriting partner, Freddie," said the 35-year-old musician, who confirmed the white cotton duo would take the [...]The post Barefoot Ed Sheeran Introduces Sock Puppets That Will Open For Him On Tour appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#78F18)
More than 8,000 people in Michigan received IDs with a photo of a random smiling man printed on them, with officials stressing the photo is a generic non-resident. What do you think?The post Thousands Of IDs Misprinted With Random Man's Face appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#78F17)
PONTE VEDRA BEACH, FL-In a dramatic reversal of decades of established organizational practice, the PGA Tour announced Wednesday that, effective immediately, golf would be loud.After careful consideration, the board of directors and I agree that, going forward, the game of golf will be really, really loud instead of quiet like it used to be," said [...]The post PGA Announces Golf Will Be Loud Now appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#78F16)
LAS VEGAS-Seemingly unbothered by his disgrace as he sauntered through the glass doors and onto the Las Vegas Strip, coward Kevin Lombardo reportedly left the Flamingo casino Friday even though he still had a full $200 in his wallet.I sat there and actually watched that spineless piece of shit miss on his corner bet, gather [...]The post Coward Leaves Casino With $200 Left In Wallet appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#78F15)
GREENSBORO, NC-Bursting through the front door before the piled-high dump truck even came to a complete stop, local dad Glenn Stevenson reportedly raced outside Tuesday to witness the delivery of his neighbor's mulch.Well, well, well-unless my eyes deceive, I'd say we've got ourselves 800, 900 pounds of cherry brown," said Stevenson, hands on his hips [...]The post Dad Races Outside To Witness Delivery Of Neighbor's Mulch appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#78F14)
A totally oblivious Tyler Neiman, 29, will be killed Wednesday while commuting home from his bowling league. Though still alive for now, he will be missed.The post Tyler Neiman appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#78EH2)
Judge Judith Sheindlin, better known as Judge Judy, announced that she will step down from the bench after 30 years on TV, opting to pass the baton on to her son. What do you think?The post Judge Judy Retires appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#78EF2)
The post Congress Passes $430,000/Hour Minimum Wage For Billionaires appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#78ECD)
As a proud, hardworking American, I demand a certain amount of respect. I had hoped to spend part of my morning patronizing this small, locally owned cafe with the purchase of a coffee and pastry. But instead, I have been rudely informed that my money is not acceptable here, apparently for no other reason than [...]The post It Is Unlawful For You To Refuse This Legal Tender, No Matter How Wet It Is appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#78ECF)
The couple finally said I do" after several months of saying Why the fuck are we doing this if we can't even agree on a cake?"The post Emily Sadori and Caroline Fry appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#78ECG)
DHARAMSHALA, INDIA-Touting it as an exciting limited engagement that would precede his next official reincarnation, His Holiness the Dalai Lama announced Wednesday that after his death he would participate in a one-year residency inside the body of Bruno Mars.While I am proud to have served Tibetan Buddhism in my current body since 1940, I could [...]The post Dalai Lama Announces One-Year Residency Inside Body of Bruno Mars appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#78DJ7)
RICHMOND, VA-Feeling the half-chewed contents of their stomachs roil as they retched into their napkins, guests at a local dinner party began gagging Tuesday as their host revealed that they had been eating USDA beef. I do hope you've been enjoying those steaks and that they've been prepared to your satisfaction-but now comes the delightful [...]The post Horrified Guests Begin Gagging As Dinner Host Reveals They've Been Eating USDA Beef appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#78DJ8)
A blind man in the U.K. who drove his wife's car 150 miles while drunk avoided prison time, despite not even having a license. What do you think?The post Blind Man Who Drove 150 Miles Drunk Avoids Jail appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#78DJ9)
The post NFL Veterans Offer Advice To This Year's Rookie Class appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#78DCH)
LOS ANGELES-Regaining consciousness just as a masked captor slapped him across the face with the script, actor Jason Momoa reportedly woke up Tuesday tied to a chair in an empty warehouse facing the screenplay for a Candy Crush Saga movie. You are Mr. Toffee now," said a low, menacing voice that came from behind a [...]The post Jason Momoa Wakes Up Tied To Chair In Empty Warehouse With Candy Crush Saga' Movie Script appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#78DCG)
The family of Katherine Lee, 35, asks that in lieu of flowers, mourners send any guesses about what her passwords might be.The post Katherine Lee appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#78DCF)
The post Virtuoso Grasshopper Absolutely Wailing On Leg appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#78DCE)
CONCORD, MA-As he expressed alarm at still not having reached the title's open world, local gamer Rudy Kelleher confirmed Tuesday that the prologue of his recently purchased video game was still going.Christ, it's been an hour and a half since I booted this thing up, and I'm still wandering around some cave while a king's [...]The post Video Game Prologue Still Going appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#78DCD)
NEW YORK-In an urgent step intended to protect customers and humanity itself from the company's flagship product, Casper Sleep announced Tuesday an immediate recall of mattresses that won't stop expanding once unboxed.In response to thousands of reports of our mattresses inflating catastrophically past their intended dimensions, we have removed the items from our online store [...]The post Casper Recalls Mattresses That Won't Stop Expanding When Unboxed appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#78CZG)
The post Angels Set Off Fireworks To Celebrate Base Hit appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#78CZH)
LOS ANGELES-Taking a deep breath as she peeked her head out from the wings of the Peacock Theater, Primetime Emmy Awards host Mariska Hargitay reportedly calmed her nerves before the show Monday evening by picturing the entire audience brutally murdered. Okay, Mariska, you got this, just imagine them all with their throats slashed," said the [...]The post Nervous Mariska Hargitay Calms Self Down By Picturing Audience Brutally Murdered appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#78CPW)
President Trump promised a $5,000 Trump Dividend" to every American adult should Republicans maintain control of both the House and the Senate after the midterm elections, which would likely cost over $1 trillion in total. What do you think?The post Trump Promises Americans $5,000 If GOP Maintains Control Of Congress appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#78CGQ)
INDIANAPOLIS-Profusely apologizing for the unexpected and last-minute cancellation, singer-songwriter Phoebe Bridgers announced Monday that she was postponing her show at Gainbridge Fieldhouse after experiencing a twinge of happiness. I hate to do this, but fans wouldn't be able to experience The Lost Tour as intended if I performed in the state I am tonight," said [...]The post Phoebe Bridgers Postpones Concert After Experiencing Twinge Of Happiness appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#78CGP)
BALTIMORE-In a major breakthrough that sheds new light on the still largely unexplored region, leading fertility experts at the Johns Hopkins University School of Medicine announced Friday that they had discovered rare deep-ball sperm at the bottom of the testes. Images shared by the researchers revealed a vast menagerie of strange and otherworldly sperm that [...]The post Fertility Experts Discover Rare Deep-Ball Sperm At Bottom Of Testes appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#78CGN)
THE HEAVENS-Shaking His head in disbelief as the color drained from His face, God, Our Heavenly Father, was reportedly horrified Monday to learn that humans had been consuming the sacred, omniscient potatoes He sent to earth.Potatoes? As in the one part of My divine creation I painstakingly made in My image and imbued with all [...]The post God Horrified To Find Humans Eating Sacred, Omniscient Potatoes appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#78CGM)
That's right, we're still calling it that. Not Southern. Not Antebellum. Plantation-style. Of course, you don't have to say that if you buy it. Just go ahead and kowtow to the woke mob instead. Coward. Reference #374809The post Plantation-Style Home appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#78CGK)
MLB star Pete Crow-Armstrong could become the first player in Cubs history to achieve a 40-40 campaign, hitting 40 home runs and stealing 40 bases in one regular season. The Onion shares everything you need to know about the breakout center fielder. EBP (Eyebrow Percentage): .297 Signature Scent: Banana Boat 70 SPF Good Luck Charm: [...]The post Player Profile: Pete Crow-Armstrong appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#78CGJ)
NEW YORK-Citing the fact that cars are fast and everyone likes them" as justification for the new rule, NFL commissioner Roger Goodell announced Monday that one player on each team would now be permitted to drive a car during games. Wouldn't it be fun? We think it will be fun. A car can go much [...]The post NFL Announces One Player On Each Team Now Gets To Drive A Car appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#78BWA)
LOS ANGELES-Emphasizing that late entries would not be tolerated, producers for the 78th Primetime Emmy Awards issued a statement Sunday warning aging stars that the deadline to be included in this year's In Memoriam" segment was midnight. Our In Memoriam' slideshow is almost complete, so if any Television Academy members are at death's door, please [...]The post Emmys Producers Warn Aging Stars Deadline For In Memoriam' Segment Midnight appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#78B21)
BEVERLY HILLS, CA-Expressing regret over her decision to star in and produce the film Practical Magic 2, co-lead Sandra Bullock told reporters Friday that she should have just had dinner with Nicole Kidman. Honestly, when the studio came to me and asked if I wanted to do a legacy sequel, I was so excited about [...]The post Sandra Bullock Regrets Practical Magic 2' After Realizing She Could've Just Had Dinner With Nicole Kidman appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#78AZV)
The post Trump Promises To Take $5,000 From Every American If Democrats Win Midterm appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#78AZW)
Onion Sports examines the incredible engineering in today's NFL gear. The post Wired For Performance: The Cutting-Edge Tech Of NFL Uniforms appeared first on The Onion.
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