The Onion

WICHITA, KS-Admitting that the tempting dried fruit would ruin her figure, local grandmother Linda Donovan told reporters Friday that she can't trust herself to keep raisins in the house. I used to keep a canister up in a high cabinet that I couldn't reach without hurting myself, but I've decided it's more responsible to remove [...]The post Grandmother Can't Trust Herself To Keep Raisins In House appeared first on The Onion.

PASADENA, CA-Dispelling numerous widespread beliefs about the role the celestial body plays in life on Earth, astronomers at the California Institute of Technology published a paper in the Proceedings Of The National Academy Of Sciences Friday that found the moon serves no purpose but to alert raccoons that it's safe to come out. While it's [...]The post Researchers Determine Moon Serves No Purpose But Alerting Raccoons It Safe To Come Out appeared first on The Onion.

KNOXVILLE, TN-In a development her family began referringto as a stroke of luck," local 81-year-old Gloria Martin reportedly died Thursday before her granddaughter arrived to Thanksgiving dinner with her girlfriend. Oh, thank God-problem solved, everybody," said Frank Martin, grandson of the deceased, who reportedly breathed a sigh of relief along with his cousins, aunts, uncles, [...]The post Grandma Thankfully Dies Before Sister's Girlfriend Arrives appeared first on The Onion.

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LOW EARTH ORBIT-Saying the dreaded nightly ritual had quickly become his least favorite part of his mission, astronaut Dave Barron told reporters Wednesday that he absolutely hated the long, freezing spacewalk required to reach the International Space Station's outhouse. God, it's such a pain. You have to put on the whole suit, depressurize, and then [...]The post Astronaut Hates Long Nightly Spacewalk To ISS Outhouse appeared first on The Onion.

INDIANAPOLIS-In an effort to get hands-on experience stigmatizing patients' bodies in a safe environment, Indiana University medical student Dylan Loera confirmed Wednesday that she was practicing fat shaming on a cadaver. At first it felt strange, but the opportunity to practice saying, Have you tried losing a few pounds?' in the flesh is so different [...]The post Medical Student Practices Fat Shaming On Cadaver appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Responding to concerns about high grocery prices ahead of the holiday, President Donald Trump held a press conference Wednesday to tout the affordability of hay-based Thanksgiving dishes. I'm doing a great job on the economy and bringing the price of Thanksgiving dinners way down by encouraging Americans to replace costly ingredients with straw," said Trump, [...]The post White House Touts Affordability Of Hay-Based Thanksgiving Dishes appeared first on The Onion.

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PROVIDENCE, RI-Shedding new light on the everyday life of citizens during the Industrial Revolution, historians at Brown University concluded in a study published Tuesday that the average 19th-century American spent roughly 93% of their waking hours waving at trains and boats. Journal entries from the period show that most citizens spent their days stationed at [...]The post Study: Average 19th-Century American Spent 93% Of Time Waving At Trains, Boats appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Warning that the film might evoke certain feelings that audience members weren't prepared to confront, the Motion Picture Association reportedly assignedZootopia 2a PG-13 rating Tuesday for sexually awakening content. We were quite alarmed by the places we found our thoughts drifting to, and we're confident the majority ofZootopia 2viewers will agree," said MPA spokesperson Richard [...]The post MPA Rates Zootopia 2' PG-13 For Sexually Awakening Content appeared first on The Onion.

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WASHINGTON-Describing the practice as a fun little side project" rather than an occupation, Education Secretary Linda McMahon announced Monday that nursing would be reclassified as a hobby under new student loan regulations. While those seeking degrees in veterinary medicine, law, and podiatry will still have access to the full financing available to future professionals, our [...]The post White House Reclassifies Nursing As Hobby appeared first on The Onion.

According to a new AAA report, a record number of Americans plan to travel 50 miles or more for the holidays this year. The Onion examines the key facts and figures behind Thanksgiving travel. 60,000 Redeemed airline miles wasted on round-trip flight to Ohio 2 Oven-roasted whole turkeys each passenger allowed to carry on 4 [...]The post Thanksgiving Travel By The Numbers appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-In an attempt to dispel rumors of an affair during the 2024 presidential campaign, Health and Human Services Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. held a press conference Monday during which he denied ever laying eggs in Vanity Fair editor Olivia Nuzzi. I know there has been a lot of speculation about me depositing my clutch [...]The post RFK Jr. Denies Ever Laying Eggs In Olivia Nuzzi appeared first on The Onion.

BOSTON-Prematurely assuming he had reached the end of the 1977 rock masterpiece, local man Peter Verran, who thought Fleetwood Mac's The Chain" was over, was reportedly in for the thrill of his fucking life Monday. According to eyewitnesses, Verran incorrectly understood the receding guitar licks and cymbal crashes just before the three-minute mark to be [...]The post Man Who Thought Fleetwood Mac's The Chain' Was Over In For Thrill Of His Fucking Life appeared first on The Onion.

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WASHINGTON-Reversing course after fierce backlash over the decision's potentially divisive nature, the U.S. Coast Guard announced Friday that it would abandon plans to reclassify the swastika from a hate symbol to the military branch's official mascot. As of now, there are no ongoing plans to continue rolling out Heily the Sailin' Swastika' as our fun [...]The post Coast Guard Backtracks On Plan To Reclassify Swastikas As Mascot appeared first on The Onion.

BELCHERTOWN, MA-Cautiously eyeing up a nearby mare in what barnyard sources described as a mixture of flirtation and guarded optimism, local horse Oatmeal reportedly took several moments Monday to assess whether a potential mate was also a horse. I have pretty high standards, so I just want to make sure she's the one for me [...]The post Horse Carefully Assesses Potential Mate For Also Being Horse appeared first on The Onion.

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CLEVELAND-Saying he was ready to carry on the legacy forged by Cody Kessler, Dorian Thompson-Robinson, and dozens of other short-lived Browns signal callers over the past two decades, rookie quarterback Shedeur Sanders told reporters Friday he was more than confident" he could deliver everything Cleveland fans had come to expect. Being this team's 42nd starting [...]The post Shedeur Sanders Confident He Can Deliver Everything Browns Fans Have Come To Expect appeared first on The Onion.

Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene's (R-GA) feud with President Trump is shaking MAGA world. Here is everything you need to know about Greene. Birthplace: Kenya Religion: Islamophobia Experience: Six years of commenting Pedophiles!" under Facebook posts Political Ideology: Christian swinger nationalism Favorite Condiment: Beef jerky Nickname For Son, Boyfriend, And Dog: Buster Campaign Slogan: I will [...]The post Political Profile: Marjorie Taylor Greene appeared first on The Onion.

Alligator Alcatraz, a massive migrant detention center in Florida's Everglades, has been plagued by reports of inhumane conditions and environmental concerns since its opening on July 3. The Onion breaks down the statistics of the facility at the center of Republicans' crackdown on illegal immigration. 40,000 Truth Social profile pictures taken by sign 0 Applicants [...]The post Alligator Alcatraz By The Numbers appeared first on The Onion.

SOUTH BEND, IN-Expressing horror at the sight of the health secretary's bare torso emerging from the vat of grease, a local Steak 'n Shake employee reportedly screamed Friday after a nude Robert F. Kennedy Jr. climbed out of the restaurant's beef tallow fryer. My skin is perfectly crispy, and I've never felt healthier," said Kennedy, [...]The post Steak 'N Shake Employee Screams After Nude RFK Jr. Climbs Out Of Beef Tallow Fryer appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-In the wake of a controversial incident aboard Air Force One in which President Donald Trump insulted a female journalist, Vice President JD Vance is said to have wept in his office bathroom, furious that the commander-in-chief had used his special piggy" nickname on someone else. But I'm supposed to be his piggy-I'm supposed to [...]The post JD Vance Cries In Bathroom After Trump Uses Piggy' Nickname On Someone Else appeared first on The Onion.

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SAN FRANCISCO-Shedding light on how consumers were most likely to interact with the popular software application, a new report published Thursday by OpenAI revealed that ChatGPT was primarily used to ask if hot dogs were too old to eat. Our large-scale analysis found that 98% of our users are leveraging the computing power of AI [...]The post OpenAI Reveals ChatGPT Primarily Used To Ask If Hot Dog Too Old To Eat appeared first on The Onion.

Pluribus, a new sci-fi drama starring Rhea Seehorn, is Breaking Bad creator Vince Gilligan's first show since Better Call Saul concluded. The Onion shares everything you need to know about the series. Q: What's the premise? A: An extraterrestrial virus causes everyone except those who were robbed at the Emmys to join a hive mind. [...]The post What To Know About Pluribus' appeared first on The Onion.

GLOUCESTERSHIRE, ENGLAND-Audibly sighing as he listlessly" undid a corset string by the light of a candle, a sulking, exhausted stable boy was reportedly going through the motions Thursday of tearing open Lady Marietta Ashcroft's bodice. At first I thought he was distracted by the nickering horses, or the passionate surging of the thunderstorm, but now [...]The post Exhausted Stable Boy Clearly Just Going Through Motions Of Tearing Open Bodice appeared first on The Onion.

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LOS ANGELES-Alarmed after overhearing the young girl on the other side of the park fence, rapper Nicki Minaj reportedly stated You think you're better than me?" Wednesday while confronting a child for reciting nursery rhymes. How many albums have you sold, huh?" asked the 42-year-old artist, who posted a short video of the child to [...]The post You Think You're Better Than Me?' Says Nicki Minaj Interrupting Child Reciting Nursery Rhyme appeared first on The Onion.

SAN FRANCISCO-Saying all his attempts to remove the 84-year-old's stench from the vehicle had failed, local man Rob Davis expressed frustration Wednesday over his inability to get the old lady smell out of the hood of his car. I hit her, like, two whole days ago-what gives?" said Davis, adding that he had scrubbed away [...]The post Man Unsure How To Get Old Lady Smell Out Of Hood Of Car appeared first on The Onion.

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OLYMPIA, WA-Sitting back to savor the 10-course broth-based haute cuisine, guests at the Northwest Community Center told reporters Tuesday they were thrilled to dine at the organization's exclusive soup kitchen, which offers free meals by invite only. Everyone on the streets wants to get in here, and I can't believe I finally get to try [...]The post Exclusive Soup Kitchen Offers Free Meals By Invite Only appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Embarking on their self-described diplomatic voyage" at the National Mall Tuesday while their wives and children waved goodbye, Eric and Donald Trump Jr. reportedly declared, We're off to see the world!" as they set sail across the Lincoln Memorial Reflecting Pool. Anchors aweigh!" shouted Donald Jr. jubilantly, peering through a toilet paper tube while standing [...]The post We're Off To See The World!' Shout Saluting Trump Boys Setting Sail On D.C. Reflecting Pool appeared first on The Onion.

COLUMBUS, OH-Casually minimizing the amount of fulfillment and joy he now finds in his everyday life, area man Tyler Reaves reportedly downplayed his happiness Tuesday while catching up over drinks with his single friend Brian Schur. Yeah, man, things are fine-same old, same old," said Reaves, who that night would curl up on the couch [...]The post Happiness Downplayed For Single Friend appeared first on The Onion.

LOS ANGELES-Accusing the competition series of blatant favoritism," Dancing With The Stars fans took to social media Tuesday to criticize the show for allowing contestant Whitney Leavitt to use an extra pair of legs. How in the world did Whitney get not two, but four different legs to use during her performance?" Dancing With The [...]The post Dancing With The Stars' Criticized For Allowing Whitney Leavitt Extra Pair Of Legs appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Calling the national crisis a complete justification" for additional airstrikes on boats purportedly trafficking narcotics, the Pentagon issued a statement Tuesday blaming Venezuela for the flow of drugs into Kash Patel. Day after day, Venezuela's violent cartels smuggle illicit narcotics across the border and into our country's FBI director," said Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth, adding [...]The post Pentagon Blames Venezuela For Flow Of Drugs Into Kash Patel appeared first on The Onion.

NEW YORK-Faced with backlash against comments she made last week downplaying the sex trafficking crimes of Jeffrey Epstein, an anxious Megyn Kelly appeared on her podcast Monday waiting for everyone else to start condoning pedophilia too. I can't be the only person who thinks having sex with a teenager isn't all that bad, so don't [...]The post Megyn Kelly Anxiously Waits For Everyone Else To Start Condoning Pedophilia Too appeared first on The Onion.