The Onion

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Ava Barden, 14, imagined dying Thursday evening. In her head, she was survived by her crush Ethan Loughran, whom she imagined weeping as he laid a single white rose on her gravestone. Ava's family members request that she come down from her room and set the table for dinner.The post Ava Barden appeared first on The Onion.

BOSTON-Describing the behavior as an avoidance strategy used to ignore difficult subjects, local woman Sophia McKabe told reporters Thursday that her emotionally distant husband Doug seemed to prefer watching Stargate SG-1 to having an honest conversation about Stargate SG-1. It's like every time I try to ask Doug how he really feels about Colonel O'Neill [...]The post Emotionally Distant Husband Would Rather Watch Stargate SG-1' Than Have Honest Conversation About Stargate SG-1' appeared first on The Onion.

PROVIDENCE, RI-Feeling too overwhelmed by the myriad options to make a decision, area hostage-taker Jason Harmon reportedly asked negotiators Thursday what people usually demand. I thought a demand would just come to me after I pulled out my gun and ordered everybody to get on the fucking ground, but truth be told, I'm still feeling [...]The post Indecisive Hostage-Taker Asks What People Usually Demand appeared first on The Onion.

NEW YORK-The site of just two home losses in the past millennium due to the incredibly hostile atmosphere of the malevolent venue, Hades' Inferno Stadium was once again ranked first on ESPN's list of toughest arenas to play in this week. Situated in the newly redeveloped sports and entertainment district on the banks of the [...]The post Hades' Inferno Stadium Once Again Ranked Toughest Arena To Play In appeared first on The Onion.

Rumor has it the wedding cost $60,000. $60,000! Can you believe that? That's two Honda Accords.The post Julia Cunningham and Tommy Zubritzky appeared first on The Onion.

NEW YORK-With the struggling newspaper admitting this was the final nail in its coffin, The New York Times announced this week that it would permanently cease publication, saying there was no way it could compete with The Onion's newly relaunched print edition. In an internal memo sent to the paper's 5,800 employees, publisher A.G. Sulzberger [...]The post New York Times' To Cease Publication appeared first on The Onion.

NEW YORK-Issuing a rule change they claimed was necessary to bring the game into the 21st century, Major League Baseball officials announced Wednesday they would add a clock to speed up Joe Davis' commentary. Adding a 30-second clock to cut down on Joe's long, rambling commentary is, frankly, a long overdue improvement that will help [...]The post MLB Adds Clock To Speed Up Joe Davis' Commentary appeared first on The Onion.

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NEW YORK-Following months of soul searching and a protracted home sale negotiation, the New York Yankees reportedly moved to Southport, CT this week to settle down and raise their kids.We really love this city and have had some of the best nights of our lives here, but we decided it was time to prioritize what's [...]The post Yankees Move To Connecticut To Raise Kids appeared first on The Onion.

An incident report found that a pilot who died after crashing a helicopter into a hotel in Australia had significant blood alcohol content" during the unauthorized flight, causing hundreds of guests and staff to be evacuated from the DoubleTree when the aircraft hit the top floor and burst into flames. What do you think?The post Helicopter Pilot Who Crashed Into Hotel Revealed To Be Drunk appeared first on The Onion.

CHICAGO-Observing the 300-pound captive ape from the other side of his enclosure, Lincoln Park Zoo guests expressed empathy this week for western lowland gorilla Nzinga, who looked bored out of his mind reading Wuthering Heights. Concerned visitors reported seeing the 26-year-old silverback resting his head on his hairy fist as he stared down at the [...]The post Zoo Gorilla Looks Bored Out Of Mind Reading Wuthering Heights' appeared first on The Onion.

Gen Z voters ages 18 to 27 could tip the scale in a tight race for the White House. The Onion shares the issues that are most important to the nation's youngest eligible voters heading into the 2024 election. Economy: Like generations before them, Gen Z seems to prefer a good economy to a lousy [...]The post What Issues Are Most Important To Gen Z Voters? appeared first on The Onion.

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Pop star Taylor Swift donated $5 million to Feeding America to support relief efforts in the aftermath of Hurricanes Helene and Milton, the contribution helping to provide essential food, clean water, and supplies to people affected by these devastating storms. What do you think?The post Taylor Swift Donates $5 Million To Hurricane Relief Efforts appeared first on The Onion.

The 2024 presidential election is on track to be the most expensive race in U.S. history. The Onion takes a look at the key facts and figures behind the spending. 3: People wealthy enough to just straight-up decide election $2.5 million: Cost of poll showing rural voters leaning red 14: Homeless people that could be [...]The post 2024 Election Spending By The Numbers appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Despite polls that show the American public overwhelmingly supports keeping the ancient burial chamber sealed, the Supreme Court ruled 6-3 Friday to pry open the evil tomb of Batibat, a vengeful spirit who haunts the dream space of her victims and suffocates them in their sleep. The ruling, which overturns a 1972 decision by the [...]The post Supreme Court Rules 6-3 To Open Evil Tomb Of Batibat appeared first on The Onion.

SPARTANBURG, SC-Opting not to choose sides, sources told reporters today that neither member of separating couple Max Kiely and Jennifer Rush kept their friends after the breakup. After hearing both perspectives on how this breakup went down, it has become clear to all of us that we have to side with neither of them," said [...]The post Neither Ex Keeps Friends After Breakup appeared first on The Onion.

CHICAGO-Gawking at the novel sight with her mouth agape, 32-year-old tourist Helena Jensen told reporters this week that she was impressed by the immense size of Chicago's residents. Back home, we don't have anything this massive, you know?" said Jensen, who had to back up several yards just to fit the entirety of the Chicago [...]The post Tourist Impressed By Size Of Chicago Residents appeared first on The Onion.

A study published by University of Illinois-Chicago researchers found that advances in medical technology and genetic research are not translating into marked jumps in lifespan overall. What do you think?The post Human Lifespan Hits Upper Limit appeared first on The Onion.

IRVINE, CA-Despite the fast food chain's self-described dedication to innovation, Taco Bell announced Friday that it was plumb out of ideas for new places to put ground beef. We're stumped-we can't think of anywhere else to put our signature seasoned beef at the moment," said Nathan Chisholm, a disheveled-looking member of the Taco Bell product [...]The post Taco Bell Announces It's Plumb Out Of Ideas For New Places To Put Beef appeared first on The Onion.

Conspiracy theorists have taken to social media amidst a devastating hurricane season to promote false rumors that officials control the weather, with some claiming that Helene was an engineered storm to allow corporations to mine regional lithium deposits. What do you think?The post Conspiracy Theorists Claim Hurricanes Man-Made appeared first on The Onion.

Francis Ford Coppola's decades-in-the-making, self-financed epic Megalopolis flopped at the box office, earning only $4 million opening weekend despite the Godfather director spending $120 million of his own money. What do you think?The post Francis Ford Coppola's Megalopolis' Flops appeared first on The Onion.

MANCHESTER, NH-Blasting the individual for barely shuffling hisgoddamnfeet and not even touching the glass, area man Owen Hodges confirmed Thursday that the other guy in the revolving door wasn't doingshitto help move the thing.Why do I have to put in all the work while this fucking freeloader gets off easy?" said Hodges, adding that this [...]The post Other Guy In Revolving Door Not Doing Shit To Help Move This Thing appeared first on The Onion.

NEW YORK-In a move widely criticized as insulting the intelligence of viewers, a movie chyron reportedly drew outrage Wednesday for reading Davenport, IA" as if it wasn't glaringly obvious that the establishing shot was of Vander Veer Botanical Park. Yeah, no shit we're in Davenport, IA-do they really think I need that spelled out for [...]The post Movie Chyron Reads Davenport, IA' As If It Not Glaringly Obvious Establishing Shot Is Of Vander Veer Botanical Park appeared first on The Onion.

KANSAS CITY, MO-Falling short of the high burden of proof demanded in the courthouse, area couple Alice Fields and Zachary Garcia were reportedly denied a marriage license Tuesday after failing to prove their love beyond a reasonable doubt. Although in common terms the two of you may be considered in love, it is the duty [...]The post Couple Denied Marriage License After Failing To Prove Love Beyond Reasonable Doubt appeared first on The Onion.

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RICHMOND, VA-In an attempt to make clear her feelings of emotional warmth toward their texts and photos, local mom Susan Barnes reportedly spent 15 minutes of her Thursday morning combing through the past five days of her family's group chat and adding a heart emoji to each message. My phone was blowing up every 10 [...]The post Mom Spends 15 Minutes Hearting Every Message From Last 5 Days Of Family Group Chat appeared first on The Onion.

MINNEAPOLIS-Admitting her knee-jerk response seemed to have been an overreaction, local ambulance driver Tara Stanton told reporters Wednesday that she was pretty embarrassed she did all of that just to go three blocks. Oh jeez, if I'd known the guy's apartment was this close, I never would've leaned on the horn and run all those [...]The post Ambulance Driver Pretty Embarrassed She Did All That Just To Go Three Blocks appeared first on The Onion.

LOUISVILLE, KY-In a wide-ranging conversation about the hardships and difficult choices her family had faced during the Great Depression, local grandmother Mary Sipple casually mentioned Tuesday that in August 1937 she took the life of a man who refused to give up a jar of mayonnaise. She just crushed his skull with a rock and [...]The post Grandma Who Survived Great Depression Casually Drops That She Once Killed Man For Mayonnaise appeared first on The Onion.

STOCKHOLM-In a ceremony at the Royal Swedish Academy of Sciences, the Nobel Committee reportedly awarded their annual prize in physics Tuesday to Zoomer and Zorbit, two aliens commonly seen driving a tie-dye Volkswagen bug while flashing peace signs. For their profound advancements in astrophysics, we are pleased to honor this pair of smiling, neon green [...]The post Nobel Prize In Physics Awarded To Alien Giving Peace Sign Driving Tie-Dye VW Bug appeared first on The Onion.

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KANSAS CITY, MO-In a stunning turn of events that shocked fans during the Chiefs' game against the New Orleans Saints, sources confirmed Monday night that 34-year-old tight end Travis Kelce had suffered a film-career-beginning injury. Folks, that was a big hit that Kelce clearly wasn't prepared for, and he's been down for several minutes-you can [...]The post Travis Kelce Suffers Film-Career-Beginning Injury appeared first on The Onion.

SPOKANE, WA-Saying anyone who could swing it would be doing him a huge solid," 38-year-old data entry clerk Darryl Bouchard reportedly asked his coworkers Monday if one of them could cover his weekend with his daughters. Hey, guys, sorry this is such short notice, but is there any chance somebody could pick up my custody [...]The post Coworker Asking If Anyone Can Cover His Weekend With Daughters appeared first on The Onion.

PORTLAND, OR-Demonstrating an ability to uncover previously uncharted territories not seen since the Portuguese explorer circumnavigated the globe, 32-year-old Nate Sulzer, a modern-day Ferdinand Magellan, reportedly discovered new dining options Monday by zooming in a little on Google Maps. Oh cool, it looks like there's a pretty good Thai place a few blocks over," said [...]The post Modern-Day Magellan Discovers New Dining Options By Zooming In A Little On Google Maps appeared first on The Onion.

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SAN DIEGO-Appearing excited by a change of pace around the lab, researchers at the University of California, San Diego, reportedly laughed and cheered Friday as one of their perfectly preserved Neanderthal specimens regained consciousness and ran around shrieking after it was defrosted. Releasing him from his cryochamber every so often is important to prevent loss [...]The post Scientists Let Defrosted Neanderthal Run Around Shrieking Before Refreezing Him appeared first on The Onion.

ASHEVILLE, NC-Saying he wished there was more he could do to help as he pointed out a clause that showed he didn't have to, a representative from an insurance company explained to local residents Stan and Loretta Coleman on Thursday that their policy was voided the moment their house got wet. Unfortunately, the coverage you [...]The post North Carolina Family Informed Their Insurance Policy Voided Once House Gets Wet appeared first on The Onion.

VALDOSTA, GA-Urging first responders to act quickly after he spotted the placard amongst the wreckage, a heartbroken Donald Trump clutched a limp campaign lawn sign Thursday that had been washed away by HurricaneHelene. Please, hurry, we don't have much time," a visibly panicked Trump said during his visit to a storm-ravaged Georgia town, sobbing after [...]The post Heartbroken Trump Clutches Limp Campaign Lawn Sign Washed Away In Flood appeared first on The Onion.