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The Onion

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Updated 2025-08-16 17:47
Molly Jenkins and Greg Phipps
Well, well, well, looks like little Molly Jenkins finally had enough of the big city and came crawling back to the small-town boy she thought she was too good for, Greg Phipps, in a ceremony at St. Matthew's Church on Sunday.The post Molly Jenkins and Greg Phipps appeared first on The Onion.
Beetle Infestation Threatens Hungary’s Oldest Library
Hungary's 1,000yearold Pannonhalma Archabbey is scrambling to disinfect and preserve tens of thousands of historic books from a destructive beetle infestation that could wipe out centuries of history. What do you think?The post Beetle Infestation Threatens Hungary's Oldest Library appeared first on The Onion.
Study: Majority Of Billionaires Consider Selves Middle Class
ST. PAUL, MN-In a comprehensive new survey of how the wealthy view their socioeconomic status, a study published this week in the Journal Of Economic Perspectives found that the majority of billionaires consider themselves to be middle class. The study-which collected responses from 865 of the richest Americans, including Jeff Bezos, Mark Zuckerberg, Elon Musk, [...]The post Study: Majority Of Billionaires Consider Selves Middle Class appeared first on The Onion.
If I Take A Bullet For My Child, How Will They Learn To Take Bullets Themselves?
Like every parent, I want my kids to be safe. I know that for my young daughter and son to grow and thrive, they need to feel secure in their surroundings. But with the way people coddle their children these days, I fear we're raising a generation that won't be able to handle life's basic [...]The post If I Take A Bullet For My Child, How Will They Learn To Take Bullets Themselves? appeared first on The Onion.
There’s A Skee-Ball Machine Stuck In One Of The Bedrooms
This house is ideal, apart from one bedroom having a full-size Skee-Ball machine in it. We don't know how they got it in there. Did they assemble it inside? Was the house built around it? We can't figure it out. Reference #257977The post There's A Skee-Ball Machine Stuck In One Of The Bedrooms appeared first on The Onion.
Marlene Audney
Marlene Audney, 83, finally found an opportunity to slip away quietly Monday when her daughter briefly left her hospice room to fetch a snack from the vending machine.The post Marlene Audney appeared first on The Onion.
Hacked Elmo Account Posts Antisemitic Messages
Popular Muppet character Elmo's verified X account was hijacked, resulting in the posting of antisemitic and racist content before it was secured. What do you think?The post Hacked Elmo Account Posts Antisemitic Messages appeared first on The Onion.
Yorgos Lanthimos Figures He 3 Films Away From Hanging With Emma Stone Outside Work
ATHENS, GREECE-Longing for the day they might cross the threshold from work friends to real friends, director Yorgos Lanthimos reportedly calculated Tuesday that he was only three films away from getting to hang out with Emma Stone outside of work. I can feel it, I'm just one twisted period dramedy and two surrealist nightmares away [...]The post Yorgos Lanthimos Figures He 3 Films Away From Hanging With Emma Stone Outside Work appeared first on The Onion.
White House Evacuated After Trans Alarm Goes Off
The post White House Evacuated After Trans Alarm Goes Off appeared first on The Onion.
MAGA Voter Drills Hole Into Skull To Relieve Sudden Doubts About Trump
The post MAGA Voter Drills Hole Into Skull To Relieve Sudden Doubts About Trump appeared first on The Onion.
White House Evacuated After Trans Alarm Goes Off
WASHINGTON-In a stunning security breach that reportedly left many top-ranking administration officials vulnerable to attack, the White House was evacuated Tuesday after the building's trans alarm went off. Officials confirmed the transgender alert system was triggered during President Donald Trump's morning briefing, when infrared estrogen sensors in the West Wing detected a large spike in [...]The post White House Evacuated After Trans Alarm Goes Off appeared first on The Onion.
Grandma’s Hospice Has Shitty Wi-Fi
LAKELAND, FL-Frustrated by the care center's lack of an adequate signal, Caleb Morris, grandson of local woman Judith Scalzo, complained Tuesday that Sun Haven Hospice had shitty Wi-Fi.Fuck, Grandma, I can't even get YouTube videos to load in this goddamn place," said Morris, admonishing his terminally ill and barely lucid grandmother for choosing to live [...]The post Grandma's Hospice Has Shitty Wi-Fi appeared first on The Onion.
Group Of Teen Girls Convinces JD Vance To Kill Himself
WASHINGTON-Lighting up his phone night and day with their cruel taunts, a group of teenage girls reportedly convinced Vice President JD Vance to kill himself Tuesday. Everyone I know thinks you're so gross," 16-year-old Bailey Hayworth said in a video message she sent to Vance, causing the vice president of the United States to throw [...]The post Group Of Teen Girls Convinces JD Vance To Kill Himself appeared first on The Onion.
‘I Used To Work Here,’ Says Pete Buttigieg, WanderingOnto Busy Highway
TRAVERSE CITY, MI-Casually strolling from the shoulder of the road and into traffic, former Transportation Secretary Pete Buttigieg reportedly spoke the words I used to work here" Thursday morning as he wandered onto a busy highway near his home.Hey guys, remember me?" Buttigieg said while flashing a grin and waving cheerfully at a bus on [...]The post I Used To Work Here,' Says Pete Buttigieg, WanderingOnto Busy Highway appeared first on The Onion.
Mark Huang and Gerald Blevins
The happy couple tied the knot Saturday in a beautiful ceremony so opulent that multiple guests looked up the pair's net worth during the proceedings.The post Mark Huang and Gerald Blevins appeared first on The Onion.
Concentration Scamp
The post Concentration Scamp appeared first on The Onion.
FEMA By The Numbers
After losing hundreds of staff members to federal layoffs, FEMA faces a number of potential budget cuts that would further affect the government's ability to respond to crises in the future. The Onion examines the key facts and figures behind the Federal Emergency Management Agency. 10:00 a.m. to 3:00 p.m.: Daily operating hours 231st: Where [...]The post FEMA By The Numbers appeared first on The Onion.
Jane Birkin’s Original Birkin Bag Sells At Auction For $10 Million
The very first of the famed Hermes Birkin handbags, made for the late actress, musician, and model Jane Birkin, sold for $10.1 million, claiming the title of the most valuable handbag ever to be sold at auction.The post Jane Birkin's Original Birkin Bag Sells At Auction For $10 Million appeared first on The Onion.
Trump Announces $175 Billion Rosie O’Donnell Defense System
WASHINGTON-In a sudden escalation of his feud with the American-born, Ireland-based former talk show host, President Donald Trump announced Monday he had signed an executive order allocating $175 billion to build an anti-Rosie O'Donnell defense system across the entire United States. We're building the greatest Rosie defense network the world has ever seen," said Trump, [...]The post Trump Announces $175 Billion Rosie O'Donnell Defense System appeared first on The Onion.
Trump Urges Supporters To Move On From Societal Disdain For Pedophilia
WASHINGTON-Facing mounting backlash from his MAGA base over his perceived ties to the Jeffrey Epstein case, President Donald Trump reportedly encouraged his supporters Monday to simply move on from society's widespread disdain for pedophilia. It's time to just accept that some people like having sex with kids and focus on the fantastic things we're doing [...]The post Trump Urges Supporters To Move On From Societal Disdain For Pedophilia appeared first on The Onion.
Mattel Introduces First Barbie With Diabetes
Mattel introduced its first Barbie representing a person with Type 1 diabetes, part of a wider effort from the toy maker to increase inclusivity among its dolls. What do you think?The post Mattel Introduces First Barbie With Diabetes appeared first on The Onion.
Artist Profile: Haim
Haim will begin touring this fall to promote I Quit, their fourth studio album. The Onion shares everything you need to know about the band. Genre: 2013 Members: Kevin, Joe, and Nick Jonas Attitude: Starting to get mad Awards: 4 NME awards, 1 Brit award, and 1 J.D. Power Award for Best Compact Car Pre-Show [...]The post Artist Profile: Haim appeared first on The Onion.
Congress Passes Law Banning WomenFrom Leaving House Without Makeup
WASHINGTON-In a landmark piece of legislation that disgusted supporters said was long overdue, Congress passed a law Thursday banning women from leaving the house without makeup.For too long, Americans have lived in fear of walking outside and encountering the unthinkable-a natural-looking woman who refuses to wear cosmetics," House Speaker Mike Johnson (R-LA) said in support [...]The post Congress Passes Law Banning WomenFrom Leaving House Without Makeup appeared first on The Onion.
DOJ Removes All Mentions Of Justice From Website
WASHINGTON-In the latest of a series of escalations in President Donald Trump's highly publicized war on woke," the U.S. Department of Justice reportedly removed all mentions of justice from its website Friday. The purge follows a directive from the DOJ last week to roll back pro-justice programs and delete thousands of webpages that contained banned [...]The post DOJ Removes All Mentions Of Justice From Website appeared first on The Onion.
Sext Has Edit History
The post Sext Has Edit History appeared first on The Onion.
Fantastic Displacement Opportunity
This reasonably priced two-bedroom offers homebuyers the exciting chance to help push out the working-class residents who have called the neighborhood home for generations.The post Fantastic Displacement Opportunity appeared first on The Onion.
The Onion Film Standard: ‘28 Years Later’
The post The Onion Film Standard: 28 Years Later' appeared first on The Onion.
What To Know About The New ‘Superman’ Movie
A new Superman movie directed by James Gunn is now in theaters. The Onion shares everything you need to know about the film. Q: What is Superman about? A: Superman trying to reconnect with his roots by opening a Kryptonian restaurant in a skeptical Midwestern town. Q: What is the film's run time? A: Five [...]The post What To Know About The New Superman' Movie appeared first on The Onion.
Milwaukee RemovesFonzieStatue Amid Reckoning With Greaser Past
MILWAUKEE-Calling the effort a long overdue attempt to address the city's checkered history, Milwaukee officials announced Friday that they had removed the iconic riverfrontFonziestatue amid an ongoing reckoning with the town's greaser past. In the year 2025, no one should be celebrating the dark era in this city when motorcycles, leather jackets, and necking dominated [...]The post Milwaukee RemovesFonzieStatue Amid Reckoning With Greaser Past appeared first on The Onion.
White Sox Fans Asked To RemovePolish Sausage From Mouths DuringNational Anthem
CHICAGO-As a singer made her way onto the field to kickoff another home game with The Star-Spangled Banner," White Sox public address announcer Gene Honda politely reminded fans Tuesday to remove the Polish sausages from their mouths during the national anthem.According to spectators, Honda told the crowd to Please rise and kindly remove any tubed [...]The post White Sox Fans Asked To RemovePolish Sausage From Mouths DuringNational Anthem appeared first on The Onion.
Australian Woman Convicted Of Triple Murder Using Poisonous Mushrooms
An Australian woman was found guilty of murdering three of her estranged husband's relatives by serving them beef Wellington laced with deathcap mushrooms. What do you think?The post Australian Woman Convicted Of Triple Murder Using Poisonous Mushrooms appeared first on The Onion.
Imposter Uses AI To Impersonate Marco Rubio
An AI-generated impostor posing as Secretary of State MarcoRubio contacted foreign ministers, a U.S. senator, and a governor, raising alarms as the technology becomes more accessible. What do you think?The post Imposter Uses AI To Impersonate Marco Rubio appeared first on The Onion.
Texas Politicians Used Burner Email To Request FEMA Funds
AUSTIN, TX-In an effort to avoid humiliating themselves in front of their fellow conservatives, elected officials in Texas used a burner email to request funds from the Federal Emergency Management Agency following last week's devastating floods, sources reported Thursday. I set up an anonymous account, floodmoney@hotmail.com, and shamefully requested more than $70 million in disaster [...]The post Texas Politicians Used Burner Email To Request FEMA Funds appeared first on The Onion.
Pros And Cons Of Defunding Medicaid
GOP lawmakers in the House and Senate officially passed Trump's Big Beautiful Bill," including provisions that slashed funding for public health care programs by more than $1 trillion. The Onion examines the pros and cons of these steep cuts to Medicaid. PRO Will finally motivate poor Americans who've been putting off becoming billionaires Fewer people [...]The post Pros And Cons Of Defunding Medicaid appeared first on The Onion.
Something Forbidden Stirs Deep Within Trump After He Sees Political Cartoon Depicting Him As Chicken
WASHINGTON-A warm rush pulsing through his body as he stared at the clean white feathers that covered the rendering of his body, something forbidden reportedly stirred deep within President Donald Trump on Thursday after he saw a political cartoon depicting him as a chicken. White House sources confirmed that Trump barked, Out, everybody out," to [...]The post Something Forbidden Stirs Deep Within Trump After He Sees Political Cartoon Depicting Him As Chicken appeared first on The Onion.
Dad Spends Retirement Untangling Big Mess Of Wires
WALNUT CREEK, CA-Expressing relief that he finally had the free time to explore his interests and hobbies, local 64-year-old dad Peter Hopkins announced Thursday that he was spending his retirement untangling a big mess of wires. I've been wanting to go through this stuff for ages," said the former account director, who reportedly paced back [...]The post Dad Spends Retirement Untangling Big Mess Of Wires appeared first on The Onion.
Study: 97% Of Average American’sDaySpent Retrieving6-Digit Codes
CHICAGO-Shedding light on how technology increasingly shapes everyday life, a study published Thursday by the American Journal Of Sociologyrevealed that the average American dedicates 97% of theirdayto retrieving six-digit validation codes. Our findings suggest thatU.S. residentsspend roughly 23 hours eachday-or 160 hours every week-attempting to log in to online services, being told they need to [...]The post Study: 97% Of Average American'sDaySpent Retrieving6-Digit Codes appeared first on The Onion.
Elon Musk Scrubs X Of Jewish Users Who Made Grok Mad
BASTROP, TX-After news broke that the company's AI tool had shared several antisemitic posts to X, Elon Musk announced Wednesday that he'd scrubbed the social media platform of the Jewish users who made Grok mad. We are aware of several inappropriate posts made by our xAI chatbot, and we are working to remove the Jews [...]The post Elon Musk Scrubs X Of Jewish Users Who Made Grok Mad appeared first on The Onion.
Elon Musk Announces Formation Of New ‘America Party’
Elon Musk has announced the formation of the America Party" in response to President Donald Trump's tax and spending bill, escalating their feud and aiming to challenge lawmakers who supported it. What do you think?The post Elon Musk Announces Formation Of New America Party' appeared first on The Onion.
Ted Cruz Assures Texans He Working Tirelessly To Get Vacation Refunded
KERRVILLE, TX-Promising grieving Texans he would do everything in his power to make things right in the wake of last week's deadly floods, Sen. Ted Cruz assured his constituents Wednesday that he was working tirelessly to get the rest of his Greek vacation refunded. I have spent countless hours on the phone persuading Capital One [...]The post Ted Cruz Assures Texans He Working Tirelessly To Get Vacation Refunded appeared first on The Onion.
Pam Bondi: ‘What Is The DOJ Hiding?’
WASHINGTON-Casting doubts on the agency's recently released review of the late financier and sex trafficker Jeffrey Epstein, U.S. Attorney General Pam Bondi held a press conference Wednesday to ask what the Department of Justice was hiding. The department's memo claims there was no client list and Epstein died by suicide-that's very suspicious, don't you think?" [...]The post Pam Bondi: What Is The DOJ Hiding?' appeared first on The Onion.
Elon Musk Weeps, For There Are No More Women To Impregnate
AUSTIN, TX-Realizing that every uterus had already been conquered, Tesla CEO Elon Musk reportedly wept Wednesday, for there were no more women for him to impregnate. I have sown the many fields with my seed and reaped a bountiful harvest, yet now there are no new vessels to bear my fruit," said Musk, who gazed [...]The post Elon Musk Weeps, For There Are No More Women To Impregnate appeared first on The Onion.
What’s Causing Problems With Flights Across America
The post What's Causing Problems With Flights Across America appeared first on The Onion.
Death Row Inmate Chooses ‘Ham Sandwich And Ice Cream’ As Last Words
The post Death Row Inmate Chooses Ham Sandwich And Ice Cream' As Last Words appeared first on The Onion.
Ted Cruz: ‘Vacationing Is How I Grieve’
The post Ted Cruz: Vacationing Is How I Grieve' appeared first on The Onion.
Poll Finds What Makes Someone ‘Cool’ Similar Across Cultures
Researchers who polled 6,000 people from the U.S., Australia, Chile, China, Germany, India, Mexico, Nigeria, Spain, South Africa, South Korea, and Turkey found a cross-cultural consensus about the personality traits that make someone cool," in which cool people were universally viewed as more extroverted, hedonistic, powerful, adventurous, open, and autonomous than their peers. What do [...]The post Poll Finds What Makes Someone Cool' Similar Across Cultures appeared first on The Onion.
Trump Orders His Face Added To The Pep Boys Logo
WASHINGTON-Insisting that he deserved a place alongside the iconic visages of the auto supply company's founders, President Donald Trump issued an executive order Tuesday adding his face to the Pep Boys logo. After all my tremendous work on behalf of American car owners, many have said that I should have my image up there with [...]The post Trump Orders His Face Added To The Pep Boys Logo appeared first on The Onion.
Tile Store Offended By Sponsored Little League Team Celebrating Win At Pizza Place Instead
ITHACA, NY-Scoffing at the idea that the players would be able to properly honor their victory anywhere else, the owner of local tilestoreAll Stone and Tile was reportedly offended Tuesday that theLittleLeague baseball team he sponsored had celebrated its win at apizza place instead. So I guess we spent several hours setting aside all thesetileswe [...]The post Tile Store Offended By Sponsored Little League Team Celebrating Win At Pizza Place Instead appeared first on The Onion.
Michael Jordan’s Former Chicagoland Mansion Listed On Airbnb
A suburban mansion once home to NBA legend Michael Jordan is now available to rent on Airbnb, boasting seven bedrooms, 17.5 bathrooms, infinity pool, movie theater, cigar lounge, salon, full-size basketball court, and more, costing more than $100,000 for a seven-night stay. What do you think?The post Michael Jordan's Former Chicagoland Mansion Listed On Airbnb appeared first on The Onion.
Insecure Woman Doesn’t Like Eating In Front Of Surveillance State
LOS ANGELES-Attributing her behavior to insecurity about the government, local woman Kirsten Sears told reporters Monday that she did not like eating in front of the surveillance state. I try to remember the government is more interested in my ideology than my macronutrients, but still, every time, I get so embarrassed," said Sears, who explained [...]The post Insecure Woman Doesn't Like Eating In Front Of Surveillance State appeared first on The Onion.
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