 |
by The Onion Staff on (#76Q9R)
Over the past decade, many Americans have likely found themselves contemplating what life might have looked like if things had turned out otherwise for Hillary Clinton. Would we be richer? Would we be at war? One thing is certain: Had Secretary Clinton won the 2016 Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Contest, the world would be a [...]The post The World Would Be A Much Different Place If Hillary Clinton Had Won The 2016 Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Contest appeared first on The Onion.
|
The Onion
| Link | https://theonion.com/ |
| Feed | https://www.theonion.com/rss |
| Updated | 2026-07-27 17:18 |
by The Onion Staff on (#76Q9Q)
WASHINGTON-Displaying an uncanny comprehension of humanity's power structures as they emerged from their interstellar spacecraft, a delegation of surprisingly politically informed aliens issued demands Tuesday to be taken to Earth's biggest pedophile.People of Earth, you will bring us before the massive child molester in charge of managing your planet's affairs at once!" said Grelahr Xoxneb [...]The post Take Us To Your Biggest Pedophile' Demand Surprisingly Politically Informed Aliens appeared first on The Onion.
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#76Q9P)
Desire To Murder May Have Driven Man To Pull TriggerThe post Police Suspect Gunman's Motive Was To Kill Bunch Of People appeared first on The Onion.
|
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#76Q9N)
Legendary corporate raider Bruce Nakagami, 76, is doing leveraged buyouts with the angels now.The post Bruce Nakagami appeared first on The Onion.
|
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#76PW5)
The post Lakers Not Sure Where LeBron Got Badge And Gun He Just Turned In appeared first on The Onion.
|
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#76PQQ)
The post Basketball World Waiting With Bated Breath To See Where Sandro Mamukelashvili Signs appeared first on The Onion.
|
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#76PFE)
MILWAUKEE-Climbing down from the stands with mustard and ketchup packets clutched in their fists, dozens of rabid, salivating Milwaukee Brewers fans reportedly chased down the contestants in the traditional Johnsonville Sausage Race midway through Tuesday's game.They took after those sausages like a pack of wolves," said Brewers outfielder Brandon Lockridge, recalling the unmistakable look of [...]The post Salivating Brewers Fans Chase Down Mascots In Sausage Race appeared first on The Onion.
|
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#76PFD)
CAMBRIDGE, MA-Insisting any missteps be viewed in the full context of each individual's contributions to the institution, Harvard University officials defended on Wednesday their decision to keep several confederate generals on the school's teaching staff. Last week, Harvard president Alan M. Garber told students in a campus-wide email that he had declined to discipline several [...]The post Harvard Faces Pressure To Fire Confederate Generals appeared first on The Onion.
|
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#76PFC)
WASHINGTON-Stating that he hoped action in the region would draw to a close in the coming weeks, President Donald Trump made comments Wednesday indicating his desire for a speedy end to the entire world.We're getting very close to meeting our objectives as we move toward winding down humanity's presence on planet Earth," Trump said during [...]The post Trump Indicates Desire For Speedy End To World appeared first on The Onion.
|
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#76PFB)
DAYTON, OH-Expressing disappointment with what she described as unfulfilled campaign promises, local Make America Healthy Again voter Sandra Murrow told reporters Tuesday that she felt betrayed by the continued survival of her own children.I voted for Trump because I was sure RFK Jr.'s health policies would put my son and daughter in the dirt on [...]The post MAHA Voter Feels Betrayed By Continued Survival Of Own Children appeared first on The Onion.
|
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#76PFA)
More Americans than ever are choosing to watch movies at home rather than going out to the theater. The Onion lays out the drawbacks and benefits of both experiences. Concessions:Streaming: 790 calories of stale crackers, spoonfuls of peanut butter, and shredded cheese.Theaters: 790 calories of whatever 16-year-old theater employee didn't confiscate. Size Of Vin Diesel's [...]The post Streaming vs. Theaters appeared first on The Onion.
|
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#76PF9)
The two tied the knot after four years of dating and three years of Jarrett carefully excavating every slice of cake she received to look for a ring.The post Anya Lopez and Sara Jarrett appeared first on The Onion.
|
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#76PF8)
A large airy kitchen like this, with ample room for seating? Mom's definitely going to say it's time for your generation to start hosting holidays. Reference #33813The post Damn It, Mom's Totally Going To Make You Host Christmas Now appeared first on The Onion.
|
by The Onion Staff on (#76PF7)
Unjected, a dating app for unvaccinated people that began in 2021, has been gaining popularity, currently boasting 65,000 active users. What do you think?The post Anti-Vaxxer Dating App Gaining Popularity appeared first on The Onion.
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#76NN3)
WASHINGTON-Saying the nation had enjoyed a perfectly adequate amount of dribbling, passing, and loud chanting, a new report published Tuesday confirmed that was enough soccer for now. Welp, that was fun, but we've got our fill," the report read in part, adding that after a couple weeks of watching men from places like Italy, Bulgaria, [...]The post Report: That's Enough Soccer For Now appeared first on The Onion.
|
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#76NN2)
A 3-year-old giraffe is missing after escaping a ranch in Texas two weeks ago, with search helicopters turning up nothing. What do you think?The post Escaped Giraffe Unable To Be Located appeared first on The Onion.
|
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#76NN1)
Elaine Gardener's loved ones can rest easy knowing the 63-year-old passed after having finally completed the Devil's Dozen Challenge at Sliders Bar & Grill.The post Elaine Gardener appeared first on The Onion.
|
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#76NN0)
The post Last Living Millennial Dies appeared first on The Onion.
|
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#76NMZ)
TWIN FALLS, ID-Highlighting sensitive areas on the body that when properly manipulated could induce extreme pain, older cousin Noah Horner held a demonstration on new pressure points he had learned since his last visit, nervous sources confirmed Friday.Check this out-it's used by IDF soldiers," said Horner, explaining to the writhing younger cousin whom he had [...]The post Older Cousin Demonstrates New PressurePoints Learned Since Last Visit appeared first on The Onion.
|
by The Onion Staff on (#76NMY)
WASHINGTON-In a statement that mourned the extinguishing of one of the league's oldest and most infernal lights," the Washington Wizards announced Tuesday that the organization's founding wizard, Osric the Baleful, had died at age 682, bringing to an end a centuries-long career in necromancy, prophecy, and NBA ownership. Osric's 1997 acquisition of the team then [...]The post Washington Wizards Announce Founding Wizard Dead At 682 appeared first on The Onion.
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#76NMX)
MIAMI-In an effort to diversify its holdings in the highly competitive militarized surveillance space, data analytics firm Palantir announced Thursday that it had acquired the Pentagon for $800billion.After months of negotiating, I am thrilled to announce that the U.S. government has accepted our terms and agreed to sell us the Department of War," said Palantir [...]The post Palantir Acquires Pentagon For $800 Billion appeared first on The Onion.
|
by The Onion Staff on (#76NMW)
WASHINGTON-In a wide-reaching decision likely to affect every era of American life, the U.S. Supreme Court issued a landmark ruling Tuesday upholding a temporal gerrymander that would cost Democrats control of the House of Representatives in the 1932 election. With the 6-3 judgment, the court's conservative majority permitted the Republican National Committee to redraw congressional [...]The post Supreme Court Upholds Temporal Gerrymander That Would Cost Democrats 1932 Election appeared first on The Onion.
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#76N2K)
WASHINGTON-Expressing delight at the complete humiliation of their political opponents, White House officials on Monday gleefully mocked the paltry attendance at Democrats' Great American State Fair. To no one's surprise, the Democrats and their socialist allies botched America's 250th anniversary with a so-called celebration that absolutely no one showed up for," said White House Press [...]The post White House Mocks Paltry Attendance At Democrats' Great American State Fair appeared first on The Onion.
|
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#76N2M)
Broadly considered one of the greatest soccer players of all time, Argentina's Lionel Messi set a new record as the top goalscorer in World Cup history. The Onion shares everything you need to know about the eight-time Ballon d'Or winner. Age: 39, minus stoppage time Favorite Charity: Major League Soccer Catchphrase: ..." Net Worth: Can't [...]The post Player Profile: Lionel Messi appeared first on The Onion.
|
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#76MTH)
With this practically coastal retreat, breathtaking ocean breezes and the soothing sound of waves are only a day-long car ride and a few state lines away, depending on traffic. Reference #78339The post Only 11 Hours From The Beach appeared first on The Onion.
|
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#76MTJ)
Millions of Americans will embark on summer vacations this year. Reporters for The Onion asked stars to share their own warm weather plans. The post Stars Share Their Plans For The Summer appeared first on The Onion.
|
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#76MTK)
NEW YORK-Fastening the paper sign to a chair just in case," Kansas City Chiefs tight end Travis Kelce reportedly reserved a seat at his wedding reception Monday for SpongeBob. I know I shouldn't get my hopes up and that Mr. SquarePants is a really busy guy, but man, it would be cool as hell if [...]The post Travis Kelce Reserves Seat At Reception For SpongeBob Just In Case appeared first on The Onion.
|
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#76MTQ)
LOS ANGELES-After working more than 11 years at a local family-owned Italian restaurant, actress Emma Stone confirmed Monday she was finally quitting her job waiting tables.I'm a little nervous-you know, nothing is ever guaranteed in show business-but my fingers are crossed that everything works out for the best," said the 37-year-old Stone, who told reporters [...]The post Emma Stone Finally Quits Waiting Tables appeared first on The Onion.
|
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#76MTP)
ZANESVILLE, OH-Noting that her stink had begun clinging to furniture, clothes, and anyone who hugged her for more than a couple of seconds, family members of local grandmother Phyllis Hargrave confirmed Thursday that they had set the 89-year-old on a lawn chair in the yard to air her out.Yeah, Granny was starting to reek, so [...]The post Grandma Aired Out In Yard appeared first on The Onion.
|
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#76MTN)
NEW YORK-Just a few years after Major League Baseball introduced sweeping pace-of-play reforms intended to make the sport more compelling, a stressed-out nation confirmed Thursday that baseball games had now become much too fast.Jesus Christ, everything's happening so fast I can't even keep track of it-let us catch our breath!" Reds fan Aaron Cartwright said [...]The post Nation Decides Baseball Too Fast Now appeared first on The Onion.
|
by The Onion Staff on (#76MTM)
The FBI announced charges alleging that a sophisticated network of drones were used to deliver weapons, cell phones, and drugs into 10 federal prisons. What do you think?The post Drone Network Used To Smuggle Contraband Into Prisons appeared first on The Onion.
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#76KEB)
CHICAGO-Stunning longtime fans with its climactic conclusion, FX series The Bear reportedly ended Friday with a continuous 45-minute shot of protagonist Carmy screaming while stirring tomato sauce. After so many tense scenes and multifaceted characters, I'm glad we could provide the perfect finale to this show that I know the fans will love," said star [...]The post The Bear' Ends With Continuous 45-Minute Shot Of Carmy Screaming While Stirring Tomato Sauce appeared first on The Onion.
|
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#76KEC)
WASHINGTON-Expressing concerns about the charged, inflammatory rhetoric used to promote the 16-day exposition, local prize hog Benny Big Bones"Carmichael announced Friday that he would be dropping out of the Great American State Fair due to the event's political nature. After carefully reviewing the circumstances under which the Freedom 250 festivities are taking place, I must [...]The post Prize Hog Drops Out Of Great American State Fair Due To Event's Political Nature appeared first on The Onion.
|
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#76KCC)
EAST RUTHERFORD, NJ-Admitting that the vast gulf between media depictions and reality had come as a total shock, German World Cup fan Fabian Lindemann told reporters Friday that he could not believe how different the real United States was from the country's depiction in the 2006 Pixar film Cars. It's so crazy to spend several [...]The post German World Cup Fan Can't Believe How Different Real U.S. Is From Depiction In Pixar's Cars' appeared first on The Onion.
|
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#76KCD)
SAN FRANCISCO-Claiming that the character would have been depicted as a titillating working breed if it weren't for the woke mob," DC fans reportedly flocked to social media Friday to blast the dog from Supergirlas not even hot. It's hard to believe anyone finds this attractive," wrote 25-year-old Evan Marsh in response to a photo [...]The post DC Fans Claim Dog From Supergirl' Not Even Hot appeared first on The Onion.
|
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#76KCE)
FLUSHING, NY-Asserting that it was the least the franchise could do to reward the loyal fanbase that had stuck with the team through so many ups and downs, local Mets fan Paul Sutera told reporters Friday that all he was asking for was one fucking season where they win every single game they play. I'm [...]The post All Mets Fan Asking For Is One Fucking Season Where Team Wins Every Single Game appeared first on The Onion.
|
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#76K46)
Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce are reportedly tying the knot this summer. The Onion shares everything we know about the big day so far.The post A Sneak Peek At Taylor Swift's Wedding appeared first on The Onion.
|
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#76K45)
NEW YORK CITY-Touting the discovery as a breakthrough in understanding the behavioral patterns of the insects, Rockefeller University researchers published a study Friday revealing that mosquitos are more attracted to people branded with the Mosquito God's rune of punishment. After several rounds of clinical trials with a control group, we can confirm that anyone marked [...]The post Study: Mosquitos More Attracted To People Branded With Mosquito God's Rune Of Punishment appeared first on The Onion.
|
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#76K44)
The post Travis Kelce Utters 2 Syllables Of Wedding Venue Name Before Tranq Dart Strikes Neck appeared first on The Onion.
|
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#76K43)
Texas Attorney General Ken Paxton (R) will be facing James Talarico (D) in the race for a U.S. Senate seat this November. Here's everything you need to know about the Republican candidate. Angle Of Smirk: 34 degrees Signature Style: Rushing to put belt back on Campaign Slogan: Come Alone With Small, Unmarked Bills" Position On [...]The post Political Profile: Ken Paxton appeared first on The Onion.
|
|
by The Onion Staff on (#76K42)
The oldest soccer ball in the world, believed to be 500 years old, will be on display for the first time in the United States, traveling all the way to Miami from Scotland. What do you think?The post World's Oldest Soccer Ball On Display In Miami appeared first on The Onion.
|
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#76K41)
The post Boy Quietly Turns All Toys Toward Wall After Watching Toy Story' For First Time appeared first on The Onion.
|
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#76JS8)
The post Eric Adams Among Lineup Of Children Escorting Turkey Players Onto Pitch appeared first on The Onion.
|
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#76JNV)
LOS ANGELES-Explaining why the company could no longer release Artificial as previously planned, Amazon MGM Studios head Mike Hopkins told director Luca Guadagnino on Thursday that he didn't realize the film would be so pro-art. I had no idea you'd be promoting creativity to such an extent," said Hopkins, who noted that he'd made the [...]The post Amazon Executive Tells Luca Guadagnino He Didn't Realize Film Would Be So Pro-Art appeared first on The Onion.
|
by The Onion Staff on (#76JKC)
France recorded the hottest day ever in its history, with temperatures reaching a high of 44.3 degrees Celsius (or 111.7 degrees Fahrenheit) as a brutal heat wave continues to engulf Western Europe. What do you think?The post France Records Hottest Day Ever appeared first on The Onion.
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#76JH6)
WASHINGTON-In an effort to alert parents to the potentially dangerous consequences of playing the highly anticipated game,critics warned Thursday thatGrand Theft Auto VI could inspire impressionable teens to live in Florida. This game glamorizes life in Florida to such an outrageous extent that it's easy to see how young minds could be fooled into thinking [...]The post Critics Warn GTA VI' Could Inspire Impressionable Teens To Live In Florida appeared first on The Onion.
|
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#76JH7)
The post French Reporter Illustrates Extreme Heat By Flambeing Cherries Jubilee On Sidewalk appeared first on The Onion.
|
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#76JAR)
Supergirl, starring Milly Alcock, opens this weekend. The Onion shares everything you need to know about the film. Q: What is the premise? A: A female superhero must single-handedly save the world as she knows it after the catastrophic collapse of interest in the genre. Q: Is Superman in this one? A: Why? You don't [...]The post What To Know About Supergirl' appeared first on The Onion.
|
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#76JAS)
HANNIBAL, MO-Expanding their exercise empire through a hostile takeover of the nearby business, the imperialistic Planet Fitness reportedly annexed a nearby GameStop Thursday as part of their Judgement Free Zone. In our commitment to improving the world's physique, we must take what is rightfully ours," said Planet Fitness CEO Colleen Keating in a fiery speech, [...]The post Imperialist Planet Fitness Declares Annexed GameStop Part Of Judgement Free Zone appeared first on The Onion.
|
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#76J7S)
The post Grandma Adds New Urn To Husband Collection appeared first on The Onion.
|