The Onion

SAN FRANCISCO-Warning that every flaccid member across the globe now represented a ticking time bomb in his hands, cackling Hims CEO Joseph Ludlum released a statement Friday in which he threatened to pull a switch that would activate all the world's erections at once. In the three-minute video address, which was broadcast suddenly to millions [...]The post Cackling Hims CEO Threatens To Pull Switch Activating All World's Erections At Once appeared first on The Onion.

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Cheetozard," a 3-inch Flamin' Hot Cheeto shaped like the popular Pokemon character Charizard, has sold at auction for $87,840. What do you think?The post Pokemon-Shaped Cheeto Sells For $87,840 appeared first on The Onion.

Colombian police apprehended a man attempting to smuggle 220 grams of cocaine in small bags hidden under his toupee, which authorities are now describing as a narco wig." What do you think?The post Police Catch Man Smuggling Cocaine Under Toupee appeared first on The Onion.

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RANBURNE, AL-Concluding an hours-long summit with top thinkers from the area, residents of a town with a heavyset mule stuck halfway through a barn door declared Thursday that they're plumb out of ideas. The townsfolk, who were spotted scratching their chins and shaking their heads, had reportedly convened around the rear end of a stout [...]The post Town With Heavyset Mule Stuck In Barn Door Plumb Out Of Ideas appeared first on The Onion.

MINNEAPOLIS-In a touching moment that left the terminally ill child excitedly rambling and beaming from ear to ear, witnesses confirmed Friday that Charli XCX had done a line of coke with 11-year-old Make-A-Wish recipient Luna Waites. It's always been my daughter's dream to rip lines of blow with Charli, and I'm so glad Make-A-Wish was [...]The post Charli XCX Does Line Of Coke With 11-Year-Old Make-A-Wish Fan appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Promising a glorious future marked by limitless prosperity for the East Asian nation, President Donald Trump outlined a bold vision Tuesday night for a golden age of China. Under my leadership, a prosperous new era of Chinese dominance will begin, the likes of which have never been seen before," Trump said in an address to [...]The post Trump Outlines Bold Vision For Golden Age Of China appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Groaning with exhaustion and joint pain after their late bedtime last night, members of Congress were reportedly all groggy Wednesday after staying up past 8:30 p.m. for President Donald Trump's address. Oh God, I can't believe I slept through daybreak," said 85-year-old Rep. Steny Hoyer (D-MD), one of hundreds of dazed senators and representatives who [...]The post Congress All Groggy Today After Staying Up Past 8:30 appeared first on The Onion.

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LOS ANGELES-In the aftermath of a stunning trade that saw the point guard move from the Texas city to Los Angeles, a homesick Luka Doncic was reportedly spotted Wednesday gazing longingly at a photo of a barren Dallas office park. Oh, to be back among those absolutely desolate and soulless business complexes," said Doncic, explaining [...]The post Homesick Luka Doncic Gazes Longingly At Photo Of Barren Dallas Office Park appeared first on The Onion.

HOUSTON-After two weeks of posing as an underage girl online and exchanging messages with a suspected child predator, Detective Sgt. Gordon Aguero of the Harris County Sheriff's Office told reporters Thursday he had fallen in love with the pedophile he was investigating as part of a sting operation. Although he was assigned to the case [...]The post Cop Posing As Underage Girl Online Falls In Love With Pedophile appeared first on The Onion.

BEVERLY HILLS, CA-Posing for photos as they cleaned cages, filled food bowls, and went on walks around the block, celebrity couple Mila Kunis and Ashton Kutcher reportedly spent Wednesday afternoon volunteering at their local predator shelter. Sadly, there are so many sexual predators without loving homes, but we've always found them to make great companions," [...]The post Mila Kunis, Ashton Kutcher Volunteer At Local Predator Shelter appeared first on The Onion.

Though he stopped short of urging people to get the shot, Health Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr., a noted vaccine critic, acknowledged the value of the measles vaccine amid a deadly outbreak in Texas. What do you think?The post Vaccine Critic RFK Jr. Backs Measles Vaccine Amid Deadly Outbreak appeared first on The Onion.

President Donald Trump's 25% taxes on imports from Mexico and Canada went into effect today, the latest salvo in a North American trade war that may have already stoked inflation and impeded growth. What do you think?The post Trump's 25% Tariffs On Canada, Mexico Take Effect appeared first on The Onion.

FAIRFAX, VA-Calling the young students the true enemy of gun rights," the National Rifle Association reportedly issued an F" rating Monday to dead schoolchildren. This is our lowest rating, and it's exactly what this radical group of anti-gun extremists deserves," said NRA CEO Doug Hamlin, who lambasted the deceased American shooting victims as selfish, divisive, [...]The post NRA Gives Dead Schoolchildren F' Rating appeared first on The Onion.

BEVERLY HILLS, CA-Growing increasingly anxious as yet another minute passed without the 56-year-old consultant's return, Jennifer Lopez reportedly expressed concerns Thursday that her Bumble date was not coming back from the bathroom at the Maybourne Bar. We were really vibing on text, and it seemed things were going pretty good over the first drink, but [...]The post Jennifer Lopez Worried Bumble Date Not Coming Back From Bathroom appeared first on The Onion.

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CHICAGO-A feeling of utter helplessness flooding his nervous system from the very moment he spotted the enormous" brown paper sack, area 34-year-old Caleb Atkinson told reporters Wednesday his DoorDash order had arrived in a humiliatingly large bag. Atkinson, who lives alone, alleged the size of the bag used by local restaurant Gyro Grill to pack [...]The post DoorDash Order Arrives In Humiliatingly Large Bag appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Declaring the utter lack of alcohol in the Pentagon kitchen to be a national emergency," Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth reportedly deployed 3,000 troops American on a beer run Monday. As of this morning, I have ordered our armed forces to travel to liquor stores, gas stations, and 7-Elevens across the country to stock up on [...]The post Pete Hegseth Deploys 3,000 U.S. Troops On Beer Run appeared first on The Onion.

A New Hampshire woman was arrested after several years of allegedly urinating on items at a food co-op and posting videos of it online. What do you think?The post Woman Contaminates Grocery Store Food With Urine For Years appeared first on The Onion.

LOS ANGELES-In a development that cast a shadow over the 97th Academy Awards, the filmmakers behind Best Picture winner Kissing The Martinet reportedly faced backlash Monday after fans learned the movie did not exist. I can't believe Kissing The Martinet, my favorite movie of 2024, is not a real movie," said film critic Alexander Van [...]The post Best Picture Winner Kissing The Martinet' Faces Backlash After Fans Learn Movie Not Real appeared first on The Onion.

LOS ANGELES-Growing frustrated by the lack of variety in the couple's romantic outings, Kylie Jenner told reporters Monday that she would like to go on one date with Timothee Chalamet that wasn't an awards ceremony. The awards circuit is nice, I guess, but why don't we ever go, like, ice skating or to a museum?" [...]The post Kylie Jenner Admits She'd Like To Go On One Date That Isn't Awards Ceremony appeared first on The Onion.

After a ceiling collapsed onto the audience during a screening of the latest Marvel film, a theater in Wenatchee, WA is working with local authorities to determine the cause of the disaster. What do you think?The post Movie Theater Ceiling Collapses During Captain America' Screening appeared first on The Onion.

The Pitt, a new medical drama series on Max, has received an outpouring of praise for its realistic, hour-by-hour portrayal of a shift in a busy Pittsburgh emergency room. Here is everything you need to know about the show before tuning in: Q: Is it an accurate depiction of what it's like to work in [...]The post What To Know About The Pitt' appeared first on The Onion.

BELMONT, MA-His tolerance pushed ever-higher from decades of listening to the folksy radio program, desensitized A Prairie Home Companion fan Ira Hawthorne told reporters Thursday that he had recently been forced to seek out gentler and gentler material. My system's gotten so acclimated to the wry observations and Midwestern charm of the News From Lake [...]The post Desensitized Prairie Home Companion' Fan Seeks Out Gentler And Gentler Material appeared first on The Onion.

CHICAGO-Packing as closely together as possible to avoid losing their spots on the platform, passengers at the Chicago Transit Authority's Clark and Division station reportedly rushed to an arriving train's doors Friday like rat babies nursing at their mother's teats. Sources confirmed that as the riders gathered before the slowing train's doors, they instinctively huddled [...]The post Passengers Rush To Arriving Train's Doors Like Rat Babies Nursing At Mother's Teats appeared first on The Onion.

ST. PAUL, MN-Making an impassioned plea to his colleagues in an effort to inspire concrete action, Gov. Tim Walz of Minnesota publicly called on his fellow Democrats Monday to return his Tupperware at once. To the esteemed members of the Democratic Party-I implore you to stand up for what's right and give back any pieces [...]The post Tim Walz Calls On Fellow Democrats To Return His Tupperware appeared first on The Onion.

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WASHINGTON-In a move designed to promote unity and establish efficiency at the federal level, President Donald Trump signed an executive order Friday making the nation's official language remedial English. Going forward, all government communications must be really short and lack any kind of coherent grammatical structure," read the executive order, which also mandated that official [...]The post Trump Signs Executive Order Making Official Language Of U.S. Remedial English appeared first on The Onion.

Tate McRae, the artist behind the pop hit Greedy," has released her second studio album, So Close To What. Here is everything you need to know about the singer. Birth Name: You're looking at it Genre: New releases Hair Color: Unknown Aesthetic Inspired By: Early 2000s Carl's Jr. commercials Fanbase: Teens whose parents can't afford [...]The post Artist Profile: Tate McRae appeared first on The Onion.

SILVER SPRING, MD-As mass firings of career experts and scientists continued to roil the federal government, officials confirmed Friday that cuts to the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration had left a single set of wind chimes as the sole predictor of approaching hurricanes. In the wake of hundreds of layoffs at the National Weather Service, [...]The post NOAA Cuts Leave Wind Chimes As Sole Predictor Of Approaching Hurricanes appeared first on The Onion.

CLEVELAND-In a well-meaning but ultimately futile attempt at emotional support, Chuck Fineman, a local husband who was no closer to fixing things, was thinking Maybe hot dog will make wife feel better," sources confirmed Friday. Hot dog tastes good, and wife likes things that taste good," Fineman reportedly thought to himself, putting together a plan [...]The post Maybe Hot Dog Will Make Wife Feel Better,' Thinks Husband No Closer To Fixing Things appeared first on The Onion.

BETHESDA, MD-Ushering in a new, highly advanced era of creepy-crawly warfare, defense contractor Lockheed Martin announced Friday that it had developed a giant tactical rubber spider. With the introduction of this state-of-the-art rubber spider and its highly realistic, blood-curdling fangs, the face of combat has changed forever," said CEO James Taiclet, explaining that the long-range, [...]The post Lockheed Martin Develops Giant Tactical Rubber Spider appeared first on The Onion.

VATICAN CITY-Revealing that he had quickly distinguished himself at the four-day invitation-only event, Vatican sources confirmed Friday that Cardinal Timothy M. Dolan, a 75-year-old American prelate with a 3-foot vertical leap, had emerged as the frontrunner in the Papal Combine. The College of Cardinals has produced some strong prospects this time around, but Dolan's basilica [...]The post Cardinal With 3-Foot Vertical Leap Emerges As Frontrunner In Papal Combine appeared first on The Onion.

HIALEAH, FL-Crimson droplets splattered across local man Cameron Downs' white porcelain sink Thursday after he began flossing and reportedly spat out blood like a battered prizefighter in a championship bout. According to sources, the 32-year-old accounts receivable specialist braced himself against the edge of the bathroom vanity like a pummeled boxer laid out on the [...]The post Man Spits Out Blood While Flossing Like Battered Prizefighter In Championship Bout appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Addressing the ongoing outbreak in Texas that has infected at least 124 state residents and killed one child, Health and Human Services Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. vowed Thursday to make measles deaths so common that they wouldn't be upsetting anymore. When President Trump appointed me, I pledged to desensitize Americans to preventable death by [...]The post RFK Jr. Vows To Make Measles Deaths So Common They Won't Be Upsetting Anymore appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Insisting they were serious this time as they addressed all 340 million Americans, officials with the U.S. Department of Education sternly announced Thursday that they were counting to three. All right, we're not playing around here, guys-you do not want to see what happens when we get to three," department spokesperson Ella Reiss said during [...]The post Department Of Education Sternly Announces It Is Counting To 3 appeared first on The Onion.

BOSTON-In a new study conducted to examine the effects of high-octane vehicles on getting her back once and for all, researchers have concluded that revving the engine of a Corvette convertible outside your ex-girlfriend's office is the best way to show her what she's missing. According to our data, the efficacy of pulling up to [...]The post Study Finds Revving Corvette Outside Her Office Best Way To Show Ex What She's Missing appeared first on The Onion.