The Onion

WASHINGTON-In what they described as a disappointing turn in the ongoing negotiations, White House officials confirmed Wednesday that diplomatic talks had broken down between President Donald Trump and a motion-activated ghost decoration. The president has done everything he can to find common ground with our historic ally, but the animatronic apparition refuses to cooperate," said [...]The post Diplomatic Talks Break Down Between Trump, Motion-Activated Ghost Decoration appeared first on The Onion.

As Immigration and Customs Enforcement seeks to increase its presence across the country, the agency is actively recruiting new agents to carry out the Trump administration's mass deportation campaign. The Onion breaks down how to join ICE. STEP 1 Be born with something just...missing STEP 2 Try deporting a few neighbors without the constitutional authority [...]The post How To Join ICE appeared first on The Onion.

MONTECITO, CA-Signaling a new chapter in her career, pop star Katy Perry released a new single Monday about the superiority of Canadian manufacturing. When I learned about the strength of Canadian automotive and aerospace manufacturing, I knew I had to put it in a song," Perry said in an Instagram post accompanying a preview of [...]The post Katy Perry Releases New Single About Superiority Of Canadian Manufacturing appeared first on The Onion.

ATLANTA-Saying the novelty decoration would add the perfect touch to Halloween yard displays, the Home Depot announced Friday it had begun selling a new 12-foot-tall Willem Dafoe in stores nationwide.October just got a whole lot spookier with our exclusive oversized Willem Dafoe ornament!" read the product's promotional copy, which emphasized that the massive, high-density polyethylene [...]The post Home Depot Introduces New 12-Foot-Tall Willem Dafoe appeared first on The Onion.

SPENCER, TN-Frustrated at breaking a three-week streak of alcohol abstinence, a white-tailed deer expressed annoyance Monday upon realizing he could not complete his goal of a Sober October because the apple he had just eaten was fermented. Oh goddammit, I knew it smelled too good to be nonalcoholic," said the visibly irritated 3-year-old buck, who [...]The post Sober October Ends As Deer Realizes Apple He Just Ate Fermented appeared first on The Onion.

KANSAS CITY, MO-Insisting it would help the six-time Pro Bowler recover from the aches and pains of the grueling NFL season, Chiefs head coach Andy Reid reportedly urged star defensive tackle Chris Jones on Wednesday to soak in a piping-hot tub filled with chopped carrots, onions, celery, and bay leaves. Hop on in, big guy-I've [...]The post Andy Reid Urges Chris Jones To Soak In Hot Tub Filled With Chopped Vegetables appeared first on The Onion.

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NEW YORK-Expressing gratitude for the opportunity to correct the record against his opponents, current New York City mayor and former candidate for reelection Eric Adams reportedly said Thank you for that question" Thursday to a group of rats he had captured and forced to act out a private debate in his Gracie Mansion bedroom. It's [...]The post Thank You For That Question,' Responds Eric Adams To Swarm Of Rats He Forced To Act Out Debate appeared first on The Onion.

NEW YORK-Casting doubt on the mayoral candidate's ability to effectively carry out the duties of the office, critics assailed New York State Rep. Zohran Mamdani Friday for refusing to share his plan to make the rich richer. Despite repeated calls to release his four-year plan for growing the coffers of our city's wealthy elite, Mamdani [...]The post Zohran Mamdani Refuses To Share Plan For Making Rich Richer appeared first on The Onion.

STANFORD, CA-Shedding new light on the rare trait's origins, researchers at the Stanford School of Medicine announced Friday that they had successfully identified the gene responsible for giving individuals the ability to visualize a murder when they touch a missing person's sweater. Through extensive DNA analysis, we have finally isolated the sequence of base pairs [...]The post Researchers Identify Gene Responsible For Visualizing Murder After Touching Missing Person's Sweater appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Describing the secretary of homeland security's cameo on the reality show as highly unnerving," viewers reported Friday that Kristi Noem can be seen looming in the background of an entire episode of TLC's90 Day Fiance. Fans of the show confirmed the 53-year-old former governor of South Dakota is visible throughout season 11, episode16, which is [...]The post Kristi Noem Looms In Background During Entire Episode Of 90 Day Fiance' appeared first on The Onion.

Services such as Klarna, Affirm, and AfterPay, which offer users buy now, pay later" financing, have surged in popularity among U.S. consumers. The Onion examines the pros and cons of using BNPL loans. PRO Ideal for shoppers seeking a less traditional debt trap Bills are every month, but this girls trip is once in a [...]The post Pros And Cons Of Using Buy Now, Pay Later' appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-In remarks delivered to the White House press corps, the U.S. Secretary of the Macabre unveiled a new departmental initiative Friday that aims to fill the nation's empty eye sockets with federally funded maggots. Making use of $50 million allocated by Congress under the Befouling of Our Remains Act, the Department of the Macabre will [...]The post Secretary Of The Macabre Unveils Initiative To Fill Nation's Empty Eye Sockets With Maggots appeared first on The Onion.

ARLINGTON, VA-Whistling and cheerfully pumping his arms as he strolled through the corridors of the U.S. military's headquarters, Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth reportedly walked fully nude Friday around the newly press-free Pentagon. Come on, everybody, don't be shy!" said Hegseth, who yelled to be heard over the SiriusXM classic rock station blasting from his [...]The post Pete Hegseth Walks Fully Nude Around Newly Press-Free Pentagon appeared first on The Onion.

Former TikTok star Addison Rae is currently on her first world tour and promoting her debut studio album, Addison. The Onion shares everything you need to know about the artist. Age: Her name is Addison Ethnicity: Second-generation Influencer-American Genre: To Catch A Predator-pop Former Disney Child Star: No, which is surprising to her as well [...]The post Artist Profile: Addison Rae appeared first on The Onion.

WOODS HOLE, MA-Saying they saw no conceivable reason to bother with the bivalve mollusks, biologists at the Woods Hole Oceanographic Institution announced Thursday that there was absolutely nothing to be learned from clams. Our studies have found that while some of their shells look pretty cool, clams really don't have anything to teach us," said [...]The post Biologists Announce There Absolutely Nothing We Can Learn From Clams appeared first on The Onion.

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WELLS, ME-Stating that citizens had a right to be warned about the types of individuals residing in their area, authorities confirmed Thursday that they had placed 54-year-old William Barry onto a sex offender registry for being a grown man who had licked an ice cream cone. The perpetrator committed an indecent act towards ice cream [...]The post Grown Man Licking Ice Cream Cone Placed On Sex Offender Registry appeared first on The Onion.

LOS ANGELES-Narrowing his eyes and raising a single finger to silence those around him, local dad Mark Fahlen reportedly shushed his entire family Thursday evening while focusing intently on the jumbotron hat shuffle at Dodger Stadium. Shut up, shut up, I need to lock in on this," said Fahlen, snapping at his wife and two [...]The post Dad Shushes Family While Focused On Jumbotron Hat Shuffle appeared first on The Onion.

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ITHACA, NY-Citing numerous advancements in communication technology over the years, a study released Wednesday by researchers at Cornell University found that voices coming through walkie-talkies should sound normal by now. After countless hours of fact-finding and analysis, we've concluded that it's 2025, and the speaker shouldn't be all crackly anymore," said lead researcher Jerome Thompson, [...]The post Study Finds Voices Should Sound Normal Through Walkie-Talkies By Now appeared first on The Onion.

ST. LOUIS-According to sources inside the 2006 Honda Civic, area father Michael Lothan's drive home Wednesday, which took a shortcut through a nearby wealthy neighborhood, exposed his children to his shortcomings as a provider. Why are all these houses so big if there's just one family living in them?" said Lothan's 7-year-old son, Theo, while [...]The post Drive Through Rich Neighborhood Exposes Dad's Shortcomings As Provider appeared first on The Onion.

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NEW YORK-Hissing with distaste as the dreaded Christian symbol suddenly appeared on his phone screen, Scott Tatum-a real-life Dracula-reportedly recoiled Friday after seeing a Tinder profile picture of a woman wearing a crucifix.My eyes, my eyes," said the screaming, writhing 32-year-old, who, as if he were Nosferatu himself, attempted to swipe away from the photo [...]The post Real-Life Dracula Recoils After Seeing Woman On Dating App Wearing Crucifix appeared first on The Onion.

Russell Vought, director of the Office of Management and Budget and a key architect of the ultra-conservative Project 2025, made waves recently by advocating for mass federal layoffs during the government shutdown. Here is everything you need to know about the right-wing policymaker. Role In Trump's Cabinet: One that didn't seem like a big deal [...]The post Political Profile: Russell Vought appeared first on The Onion.

NEW YORK-Calling the strategy an effective solution" for anyone feeling weighed down by economic hardship, a group of leading financial advisors recommended Tuesday throwing any unopened bills in the trash. It's easy to feel overwhelmed by invoices piling up-those things are the worst-so just get rid of them," said Goldman Sachs advisor Adam Bridge, adding [...]The post Financial Advisors Recommend Throwing Away Unopened Bills appeared first on The Onion.

WATERBURY, VT-Admitting that the bar used to be much, much lower, local 38-year-old Jeremy Griffiths confirmed Tuesday that his childhood best friend Ben Martin would never make the cut now. If we didn't have decades of memories together, there's no way that I would have invited him to any important function in my adult life," [...]The post Childhood Best Friend Would Never Make The Cut Now appeared first on The Onion.

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LARCHMONT, NY-Noting the 16-year-old had too big of an inheritance ahead of him to throw it all away, the parents of local teen Sutton Langford expressed concern Monday that their son was falling in with the wrong socioeconomic class. I don't know what went wrong-we've always tried to funnel him towards wealthy, high-class people," said [...]The post Impressionable Teen Falls In With Wrong Socioeconomic Class appeared first on The Onion.

PITTSBURGH-In a devastating setback that could sideline the quarterback for weeks, sources confirmed Sunday that Aaron Rodgers suffered a torn cerebellum after attempting a telepathic audible during the Steelers' opening drive against the Browns. He seemed like he was in a good rhythm, and then suddenly he's on the turf clutching his head, screaming for [...]The post Aaron Rodgers Suffers Torn Cerebellum After Attempting Telepathic Audible appeared first on The Onion.

As Immigration and Customs Enforcement operations ramp up across the country, so has misinformation. The Onion dispels common myths surrounding ICE raids. MYTH: ICE agents lack proper training. FACT: Most have been racists their entire lives. MYTH: ICE raids do nothing to reduce crime. FACT: A fruit vendor who sold mangoes that weren't quite ripe [...]The post ICE Raids: Myth Vs. Fact appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Touting a new crime report as evidence their ramped-up operations were improving American life, Immigration and Customs Enforcement officials announced Friday that there had been zero murders committed by 5-year-olds since they began detaining children. Democrats can whine and slander our agents all they like, but the stats don't lie: Homicides committed by kindergartners are [...]The post ICE Boasts Zero Murders Committed By 5-Year-Olds Since Child Detainments Began appeared first on The Onion.

MEKELE, ETHIOPIA-Expressing utter embarrassment about the long-hyped event, a desert locust in the Ethiopian Highlands was reportedly humiliated Friday after a swarm he organized was only attended by 40 million other members of his species. Oh man, I thought everyone would be more excited to cause a famine," said the newly gregarious African grasshopper, adding [...]The post Locust Humiliated Swarm He Organized Only Got 40 Million Attendees appeared first on The Onion.

BRECKSVILLE, OH-Speculating that the unnamed individual was unable to find the broadcast on even the most extensive of satellite TV packages, patrons at the Thirsty Goose Tavern confirmed Friday there was currently a Central European guy sitting at the other end of the bar watching some weird sport with mallets on his phone. He's been [...]The post Central European Guy At Other End Of Bar Watching Some Sport With Mallets On Phone appeared first on The Onion.

NASHVILLE, TN-Adding to an already heaping assortment of books, clothing, and photos that reminded her of soon-to-be ex-husband Keith Urban, actress Nicole Kidman reportedly tossed a copy of The Garfield Movesoundtrack onto her backyard burn pile Friday. Keith was so happy the day he came home and told me he was collaborating with Snoop on [...]The post Nicole Kidman Tosses The Garfield Movie' Soundtrack Onto Burn Pile appeared first on The Onion.

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Despite his family's pleading, Richard Blakely died at age 82 on the nice rug.The post Richard Blakely appeared first on The Onion.

Unlike anything you've already seen about Jeffrey Epstein, this documentary uncovers the truth behind one of America's most notorious perverts. This is Jeffrey Epstein: Bad Pedophile.The post The Onion Investigates: Jeffrey Epstein appeared first on The Onion.