The Onion

DEDHAM, MA-Remarking that the adolescent had undergone some pronounced developmental changes during the course of his vacation, middle school sources reported Tuesday that eighth grader Ryan Alcorn's voice had dropped six octaves over the summer. According to eyewitnesses present in Mrs. Jeterson's homeroom, Alcorn opened his mouth during classroom introductions to reveal that the high-pitched [...]The post 8th Grader's Voice Drops 6 Octaves Over Summer appeared first on The Onion.

BALTIMORE-Identifying a disturbing behavioral trend likely to have profound health consequences, a study published Wednesday by researchers at Johns Hopkins University found that ultra-processed foods made up over 50% of Americans' thoughts. We surveyed more than 20,000 participants across the country, and the data showed they primarily think about sausages, spicy chicken nuggets, and cream-filled [...]The post Study Finds Ultra-Processed Foods Make Up Over 50% Of Americans' Thoughts appeared first on The Onion.

LEAWOOD, KS-Lighting up as he outlined his vision for their special day, Kansas City Chiefs tight end Travis Kelce reportedly asked fiancee Taylor Swift on Wednesday if their upcoming wedding could be shark themed. Come on, babe, you love animals," said Kelce, who gestured enthusiastically as he threw out ideas, including tables named after different [...]The post Travis Kelce Asks If Wedding Can Be Shark Themed appeared first on The Onion.

CRYSTAL LAKE, IL-With a crowd gathering around the new kid as word of his charming antics quickly spread among his peers, witnesses confirmed Tuesday that local fourth grader Billy Donaldson had easily won over his new classmates by performing belly tricks.Look, the new kid is making his belly really big like a balloon!" said Katie [...]The post New Kid Easily Wins Over Classroom With Belly Tricks appeared first on The Onion.

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WASHINGTON-Lauded as a generational advocate for sexual contact between relatives, former New York City mayor and man who married his cousin Rudy Giuliani was awarded the Presidential Medal of Incest at a White House ceremony Tuesday. Not only is Rudy a great American patriot, but he inspires all of us to summon the bravery to [...]The post Rudy Giuliani Awarded Presidential Medal Of Incest appeared first on The Onion.

WESTFIELD, MA-Saying they had never seen such an ostentatious display, friends attending a barbecue yesterday at the home of Pete and Emily Brooks told reporters they were shocked to learn the couple were wealthy enough to have their own live-in children. They weren't even self-conscious about it-they just said, These are our kids,' as if [...]The post Couple So Wealthy They Have Own Live-In Children appeared first on The Onion.

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ST. LOUIS-According to several eyewitnesses who were inside local cafe Panda Bubble Tea on Tuesday, no, 53-year-old man Aaron Strickland would not like popping boba" in his drink. Ma'am, I am a veteran, a father of two adult children, and I hold a master's degree in business administration from Washington University," said an indignant Strickland, [...]The post No, Area 53-Year-Old Would Not Like His Drink With Boba appeared first on The Onion.

Jannik Sinner, Coco Gauff, and more of the world's top tennis players are squaring off in New York for a major title in the fourth and final Grand Slam of the year. The Onion examines the key facts and figures behind the U.S. Open. 29: Ball boys worn through in the average match 1.5: Hours [...]The post The U.S. Open By The Numbers appeared first on The Onion.

AUSTIN,TX-Touting the party-line vote as a major victory for the Second Amendment, theTexasHouse of Representatives successfully blocked a bill last week that would have prevented gun stores from operating inside of hospital psychiatric wards. The government has no place infringing on the rights of honest business owners trying to sell semiautomatic handguns and rifles to [...]The post Texas BlocksLaw That Would Ban Gun Stores From Operating Inside Psych Wards appeared first on The Onion.

MINNETONKA, MN-In a medical miracle being hailed as a testament to the tenacity of the human spirit, area 53-year-old David Spotherton, who this summer was given just six more months to live, reportedly defied the odds yesterday by dying in less than two. They told my husband he would only have one more Christmas with [...]The post Man Given 6 Months To Live Beats Odds By Dying In 2 appeared first on The Onion.

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MINNEAPOLIS-In its detailed analysis of how your corpse will appear when lying on a brightly lit postmortem examination table, a report published Friday by researchers in the University of Minnesota's mortuary science program concluded that your naked body will make the entire morgue laugh. According to our projections, the mortician, an assistant, and anyone else [...]The post Report: Your Naked Body Will Make Entire Morgue Laugh appeared first on The Onion.

WEST HOLLYWOOD, CA-Laughing as they paraded down the street with a newfound sense of freedom, sources confirmed this week that a tight-knit group's night out was made much more fun without their broke friend. At first, I was a little bummed that Jen couldn't make it out, but then I realized we could hit that [...]The post Night Out More Fun Without Broke Friend appeared first on The Onion.

Netflix's KPop Demon Hunters has been a smash hit, earning the streaming service its first box-office win and placing four songs in the top 10 of the Billboard Hot 100. The Onion shares everything you need to know about the animated film. Q: Who is KPop Demon Hunters for? A: Anyone who can get past [...]The post What To Know About KPop Demon Hunters' appeared first on The Onion.

LEAWOOD, KS-Insisting she wanted to keep her wedding as small and intimate as possible, recently engaged pop star Taylor Swift reportedly told Brittany Mahomes Friday that she wasn't having any bridesmaids. It's really sweet of you to offer, Brittany, but when I thought aboutit, I realized I've just never imagined my wedding with bridesmaids," said [...]The post Taylor Swift Tells Brittany Mahomes She Not Having Bridesmaids appeared first on The Onion.

DENVER-In what's being decried as an outrageous case of price-gouging, scalpers have reportedly begun charging as much as $11 for Colorado Rockies tickets, forcing some baseball fans to pay an unreasonably steep price to watch the last-place team. I can understand $6 or $7 if we're talking a few rows behind home plate, but some [...]The post Scalpers Jack Up Price Of Colorado Rockies Ticket To $11 appeared first on The Onion.

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LEAWOOD, KS-Periodically grunting and nodding his head, a dead-eyed Travis Kelce was reportedly viewing an array of bow tie options for cat ring bearers Thursday. Looks great," said the 35-year-old Kansas City Chiefs tight end, whose mouth was slightly agape as fiancee Taylor Swift scrolled through page after page of sequined collars and tulle bandana [...]The post Dead-Eyed Travis Kelce Nods At Bow Tie Options For Cat Ring Bearers appeared first on The Onion.

SPARTANBURG, SC-Introducing a new promotion that will be available to both adults and children at its restaurants nationwide, 24-hour diner chain Denny's announced this week that free pancakes would be provided to customers who take their fighting outside. We know our customers love coming to Denny's to participate in violent late-night brawls, and now those [...]The post Denny's Announces Free Pancakes For Customers Who Take Fight Outside appeared first on The Onion.

PHOENIX-In an intense bout of insecurity and wariness toward his partner's superficial focus, Fortune 500 CEO William Freitag, 57, reportedly expressed concerns Thursday that the 23-year-old woman he was currently dating was only into him for his keen business acumen. I'm trying not to let it get to me, but deep down I can't help [...]The post CEO Worried 23-Year-Old Only Into Him For His Keen Business Acumen appeared first on The Onion.

Despite losing the Democratic primary in June, Andrew Cuomo will be on the ballot this November as an independent candidate for New York City mayor. The Onion sat down with the former governor to discuss his campaign. The Onion : How do you feel your campaign has been going so far? Cuomo: I haven't really been [...]The post The Onion's Exclusive Interview With Andrew Cuomo appeared first on The Onion.

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WASHINGTON-Grateful but confused by the unexpected windfall of financial support, top aides to President Donald Trump were reportedly confused Wednesday after his super PAC received a series of generous donations from the sporting goods giant Spalding. Are we doing something with basketballs? Did the president threaten to outlaw basketballs? Do we have to establish a [...]The post Trump Aides Unsure Why Spalding Making Such Generous PAC Donations appeared first on The Onion.

LAWTON, OK-Disturbed by the sudden appearance of duct tape, rope, and plastic sheeting in the kitchen, sources confirmed Wednesday that local mom Jennifer Kirkendall was trying something called the serial killer diet." I've already lost four pounds just by focusing on my inner animalistic urge to kill instead of stuffing my face with empty calories," [...]The post Mom Trying Something Called The Serial Killer's Diet' appeared first on The Onion.

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SPRINGDALE, UT-Beating himself up over a lifetime of wasted energy, a local hummingbird confirmed Tuesday that he felt like a huge fucking idiot after he saw a hawk gliding above him with close to no effort all. What the hell am I doing continuously flitting around like a complete maniac?" said the male hummingbird, adding [...]The post Hummingbird Feels Like Fucking Idiot After Seeing Other Bird Gliding appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-As they called attention to his alarmingly sallow complexion and rapidly deteriorating brain function, White House officials sought to quell speculation Monday over the bruising on President Donald Trump's right hand by dismissing it as one of the least concerning parts of his body. The discoloration on the president's hand is superficial and no cause [...]The post White House Downplays Trump Hand Bruise As Least Concerning Part Of Body appeared first on The Onion.

NEW YORK-Sharing new details about her highly anticipated 12th studio album, pop superstar Taylor Swift dropped major hints on her Instagram story Tuesday that The Life Of A Showgirl could be about her. While creating this record, I took a lot of inspiration from a certain someone who I have a long history with," said [...]The post Taylor Swift Hints New Album Could Be About Her appeared first on The Onion.

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ROCHESTER, MN-In an effort to advise American consumers about the potential hazards of ingesting the Mexican-inspired fast food item, nutritionists at the Mayo Clinic warned Tuesday that the Taco Bell $3 steak burrito was a $3 steak burrito. While Taco Bell's latest offering of a grilled steak burrito for just $3 might seem like an [...]The post Nutritionists Warn Taco Bell $3 Steak Burrito A $3 Steak Burrito appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Approaching cautiously after waiting for an opportune moment to pose his question, Vice President JD Vance reportedly asked a National Guardsman patrolling the nation's capital Monday if he could touch the man's service rifle. Sorry to bother you, sir-is that thing real?" Vance said to a newly armed member of the Ohio National Guard on [...]The post JD Vance Asks National Guard Member If He Can Touch Gun appeared first on The Onion.

President Donald Trump recently reiterated claims that the U.S. electoral system remains highly susceptible to voter fraud. The Onion assesses the veracity of the president's claims. Claim: Vote counts are inflated with millions of illegal votes. False: It is not illegal for women to vote yet. Claim: Democrats are getting illegal immigrants to vote. False: [...]The post Fact-Checking Trump On Voter Fraud appeared first on The Onion.

NEW YORK-Stumped by the latest development to come out of the world of entertainment, sources confirmed Monday that presumably real television show Irish Blood had come to Acorn TV. Huh, look at that," one source said of the Alicia Silverstone-led series, which was presumably written, shot, and edited before being made available on the streaming [...]The post Presumably Real Television Show Comes To Acorn TV appeared first on The Onion.

ROANOKE, VA-As he struggled to discreetly administer the life-saving anaphylaxis treatment following a bee sting, local poor third grader Mason Prewitt was reportedly bullied this week for using a generic EpiPen. Oh my God, is that really your auto-injector, or did you just tape a sewing needle to a glue stick?" said classmate Lucas Hammond, [...]The post Poor 3rd Grader Bullied For Using Generic EpiPen appeared first on The Onion.

As millions of students across the U.S. return to the classes, schools and universities are struggling to establish consistent policies regarding the use of AI. The Onion examines the pros and cons of using artificial intelligence for schoolwork. PRO Only possible way to figure out when World War I ended Curriculum can be customized to [...]The post Pros And Cons Of Using AI For Schoolwork appeared first on The Onion.

TOLEDO, OH-In response to the holier-than-thou message on their social media feeds, sources reported Friday that a post by local man Jim Boisvert was pretty sanctimonious for someone who had only been sober for a month. He's really laying it on thick about not needing alcohol to have fun considering hewas absolutely pounding beers as [...]The post Post Pretty Sanctimonious For Mere Month Of Sobriety appeared first on The Onion.

NEW HAVEN, CT-Providing data that bolsters long-running concerns about the beverage among environmental experts and activists, a report published Wednesday by researchers at Yale University has found that humans waste an astonishing 74 billion gallons of water each year making tea. We must stop this terrible practice of taking our most precious natural resource and, [...]The post Report Finds Humans Waste 74 Billion Gallons Of Water Each Year Making Tea appeared first on The Onion.