The Onion

Look, I get it. I'm a weakling. These scrawny arms and spindly legs have obviously never seen the inside of a gym. You might say I'm the exact opposite of a bodybuilder. But while I'm definitely no one's idea of Hercules, it'd be a grave mistake to underestimate me. That's because what I lack in [...]The post What I Lack In Physical Strength, I Make Up For In Pubic Hair appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-In a firm dismissal of decades of scientific research and real-world data on the organ's benefits and safety, Health and Human Services Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. publicly questioned the efficacy of skin Wednesday while testifying before Congress. Everything we know about skin has been learned from so-called scientific studies funded by large corporations who [...]The post RFK Jr. QuestionsEfficacyOf Skin appeared first on The Onion.

CHARLOTTE, NC-Describing the woman's imagined scenario of workplace valor as both cringeworthy" and profoundly sad," office sources confirmed Tuesday that employee Sarah Cobb's fantasy about impressing her coworkers at Davidson Analytics was unimaginably pathetic. According to reports, Cobb-who in reality has failed to distinguish herself either socially or through her work in her four years [...]The post Fantasy About Impressing Coworkers Unimaginably Pathetic appeared first on The Onion.

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WASHINGTON-Decrying the un-American nature of any activity intended to provide amusement or the slightest bit of diversion, conservatives across the country announced an immediate boycott Tuesday of all forms of entertainment. The insidious liberal bias in music, movies, literature, and television is just the tip of the iceberg," said Nashville, TN, resident Drew Cardona, one [...]The post Conservatives Boycott All Forms Of Entertainment appeared first on The Onion.

LOS ANGELES-As they stared intently at their phones and pretended not to notice the steady rhythm of smacks echoing through the locker room, the Los Angeles Lakers were reportedly trying their best to act casual Tuesday while LeBron James spanked his son Bronny in full view of the team. Wow, yikes, he's really laying into [...]The post Rest Of Lakers Trying To Act Casual While LeBron James Spanks Bronny appeared first on The Onion.

CHICAGO-Saying he couldn't remember the last time an immigration raid had been so convenient, fast, or fun, Immigration and Customs Enforcement agent Mark Hammond reportedly scored an easy win Monday when he successfully deported his own family. The 45-year-old ICE official told reporters he had hit the jackpot" when he realized that because his wife [...]The post ICE Agent Scores Easy Win By Deporting Own Family appeared first on The Onion.

Defense Secretary Pete Hegeth's time overseeing the nation's largest governmental agency has proven contentious owing to frequent security leaks, norm violations, and attacks on journalists. The Onion sat down with the military veteran and former Fox News host to discuss his tenure so far. The Onion: Mr. Secretary, thank you for joining us. If you [...]The post The Onion's Exclusive Interview With Pete Hegseth appeared first on The Onion.

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The happy couple wed Saturday in the presence of four loving guests and 176 indifferent ones.The post Mia Cutler and Xavier Carrasco appeared first on The Onion.

Priced at $1.5 million, this two-bedroom bungalow will send a clear message to every working-class family still in the neighborhood that their days are truly numbered. Reference #7086The post The Beginning Of The End appeared first on The Onion.

Starbucks is reintroducing tiers to its loyalty program as part of a bid to entice consumers to visit more often, with the company claiming the current system doesn't properly reward its most loyal customers. What do you think?The post Starbucks Reintroduces Tiers To Loyalty Program appeared first on The Onion.

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WASHINGTON-Insisting theterminatedworker had violated the terms of her employment by leaking highly sensitive information, the White House announced Monday that longtime aide Sandra Wiltonhad been fired fortellingVice President JD Vanceabout an upcomingSuper Bowl party. It's difficult to imagine how this employee believed it was acceptable to revealdetailsof the West WingSuper Bowl partyto Vance despite being [...]The post White House Aide Fired After Telling JD VanceAboutSuper Bowl Party appeared first on The Onion.

LOS ANGELES-Emphasizing the power of finally seeing themselves represented on screen, duos consisting of one tall man and one bald child publicly applauded the HBO series A Knight Of The Seven Kingdoms Monday. As a man of above-average stature whose best friend happens to be a hairless child, it's so meaningful to see stories like [...]The post Tall Man, Bald Child Duos Applaud Representation In New Game Of Thrones' Show appeared first on The Onion.

HOUSTON-Insisting he still believed in the dream that Americans from all circumstances could eventually become sexual deviants, conservative man Samuel Welker reportedly defended child molesters implicated in the Epstein files Monday in case he himself some day became a child molester. Sure, I don't have a ton of young girls at my disposal now, but [...]The post Conservative Defends Child Molesters In Case He Becomes Child Molester Someday appeared first on The Onion.

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The Onion asked K-pop's biggest fans to explain their devotion, in their own words.The post Fans Explain Why They Love K-Pop appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-In the latest government disclosure about the late financier and convicted pedophile, officials from the Department of Justice announced Tuesday that they were releasing a Jeffrey Epstein fragrance.The aroma of infatuation, the perfume of the forbidden...DOJ is proud to unveil its new signature Jeffrey Epstein fragrance, Crave by Jeff," Attorney General Pam Bondi said at [...]The post DOJ Releases Jeffrey Epstein Fragrance appeared first on The Onion.

Mark Platz, 51, passed unexpectedly Sunday. He is survived by his wife, his three children, and a massive secret collection of troubling pornography.The post Mark Platz appeared first on The Onion.

Australia and France recently enacted social media bans for children, with other countries considering similar legislation. The Onion examines the pros and cons of restricting social media access for teens. PRO Easier to talk shit about them behind their back Prevents access to harmful material for the 10 minutes it takes to bypass safeguards More [...]The post Pros And Cons Of Social Media Bans For Teens appeared first on The Onion.

Poor ticket sales for Melania Trump's documentary Melania have led to rescue efforts by the GOP that include buying out theater seats to mask the film's box office struggles, though many are reportedly still uninterested in attending screenings even when tickets are offered for free. What do you think?The post Melania Trump Documentary Fails To Sell Tickets appeared first on The Onion.

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TikTok users in the U.S. claimed they were unable to write the word Epstein" in messages, fueling accusations that the social media platform is suppressing content. What do you think?The post TikTok Blocks Mentions Of Jeffrey Epstein appeared first on The Onion.

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WASHINGTON-In an address touting the practice as a completely drug-free method to relieve the common affliction, Secretary of Health and Human Services Robert F. Kennedy Jr. demonstrated Thursday how to remove a tapeworm by scooting one's ass across carpet. Doctors won't tell you this, but you don't need medication for a tapeworm-all you need is [...]The post RFK Jr. Demonstrates How To Remove Tapeworm By Scooting Ass Across Carpet appeared first on The Onion.

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LOS ANGELES-After 15 years of promoting the A24 filmThe Moment,actress Charlotte Aitchison told reporters Friday she was relieved to shed the character Charli XCX. Playing Charli has been an actor's dream," said Aitchison, the 33-year-old thespian, who reportedly beat out a slew of stars for the competitive role of the fictional pop star, including Margaret [...]The post Charlotte Aitchison Relieved To Shed Charli XCX Character After 15 Years Of Promoting The Moment' appeared first on The Onion.

HYDE PARK, NY-Stifling their groans as an instructor distributed the wailing infants, students at the Culinary Institute of America were reportedly given a live baby Friday to learn how to care for a bag of flour. Flour is the most delicate of the pantry staples, and looking after this child for the week will prepare [...]The post Culinary Students Given Live Baby To Learn How To Care For Bag Of Flour appeared first on The Onion.

Rep. Ilhan Omar (D-MN) was rushed by a man during a town hall and sprayed with what was revealed to be apple cider vinegar from a syringe, the attack coming amid a broad surge in violence against lawmakers. What do you think?The post Ilhan Omar Sprayed With Liquid At Town Hall appeared first on The Onion.

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WASHINGTON-Pulling her aside at a Treasury Department event Wednesday, President Donald Trump reportedly asked hip-hop artist Nicki Minaj to explain eating ass. Explain it to me, in the simplest terms," said the bewildered 79-year-old president of the United States, who clasped Minaj's handand looked her in the eye as he urged her to enlighten him [...]The post Trump Asks Nicki Minaj To Explain Eating Ass appeared first on The Onion.

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WASHINGTON-According to a report released this week by the Bureau of Labor Statistics, a record number of Americans are finding themselves forced to make ends meet by retreating into their underground laboratories and practicing alchemy. Even though I work long hours at my warehouse job, I still won't be able to pay the bills if [...]The post Report: More Americans Forced To Make Ends Meet By Turning To Alchemy appeared first on The Onion.

SANTA BARBARA, CA-Groaning as yet another stranger shoved a ballpoint pen in his face, actor Noah Wyle stated Thursday that he was fed up with pushy fan tracheotomy requests. Listen, I love that you love my work, but I'm just trying to grab breakfast with my family right now, not cut through any windpipes, okay?" [...]The post Noah Wyle Fed Up With Pushy Fan Tracheotomy Requests appeared first on The Onion.

NEW YORK-Perking up with excitement after spotting a customer in the process of completely humiliating himself, the entire staff of a midtown H&M store reportedly gathered Thursday to watch a man struggle to refold a shirt. Oh my God, everyone get out of the break room-you seriously have got to see this," said sales associate [...]The post H&M Staff Gathers To Watch Man Struggle To Refold Shirt appeared first on The Onion.

NEW YORK-Stating that they were so proud, so, so proud," the parents of filmmakers Josh and Benny Safdie reportedly told their sons Thursday that regardless of what the Academy says, they liked both films equally. One nomination, nine nominations-The Smashing MachineandMarty Supremeare both movie of the year in our book," said the filmmakers' mother, Amy [...]The post Parents Of Safdie Brothers Don't Care What Oscars Say, They Liked Both Movies Equally appeared first on The Onion.

The 68th Annual Grammy Awards take place Feb. 1. The Onion shares everything you need to know about this year's ceremony. Q: Who will be there? A: Anyone who's anyone in the world of mouth noises. Q: How can I watch? A: The best way to experience the Grammys is a 30-second recap from your [...]The post What To Know About The 2026 Grammys appeared first on The Onion.

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BOSTON-Prompting exclamations of astonishment from colleagues and supervisors, local man Joshua Lingard reportedly appeared entirely unrecognizable Wednesday after enjoying a full eight hours of sleep. Oh my gosh, I didn't even realize it was Josh without those dark bags under his eyes and his usual lifeless monotone," said Lingard's coworker Alison Conners, who gasped in [...]The post Man Unrecognizable After Full 8 Hours Of Sleep appeared first on The Onion.

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President Donald Trump said the U.S. used a weapon he referred to as the discombobulator" to capture former Venezuelan President Nicolas Maduro, claiming it made the enemy equipment not work." What do you think?The post Trump Claims U.S. Used Discombobulator' Weapon In Maduro Raid appeared first on The Onion.

Climber Alex Honnold successfully scaled the Taipei 101 skyscraper, the 11th tallest in the world, without a harness, ropes, or any other safety equipment. What do you think?The post Alex Honnold Successfully Free Solos Taipei 101 Skyscraper appeared first on The Onion.

Gregory Bovino, who was responsible for immigration enforcement operations in Minnesota, has been ousted as the U.S. Border Patrol's commander at large." The Onion sat down with Bovino to discuss his career at the agency. The Onion: What would you say to people who call you Gestapo? Bovino: I'd ask why they aren't speaking English. [...]The post The Onion's Exclusive Interview With Gregory Bovino appeared first on The Onion.