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by The Onion Staff on (#71WD8)
HILLIARD, OH-Reluctantly admitting to the table that she might have been too quick to judge, local mother Janet Greenbaum told family members Thursday that she was actually quite impressed by the manners of their tattooed restaurant server.When she first came over to give us our menus, I thought she was in some kind of biker [...]The post Mom Impressed By Tattooed Person's Manners appeared first on The Onion.
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The Onion
| Link | https://theonion.com/ |
| Feed | https://www.theonion.com/rss |
| Updated | 2026-02-28 12:04 |
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by The Onion Staff on (#71WD7)
CHICAGO-In a move making her the latest performer to join the distraction-free trend, New Zealand singer-songwriter Lorde confirmed Friday that she was now requiring all concertgoers to stash their boyfriends in locked pouches during her shows.I understand wanting to share the experience, but I think a live performance is more special when everyone puts their [...]The post Lorde Requiring All Concertgoers To Stash Boyfriends InLocked Pouch appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#71WD6)
Francine Holmes, 73, passed away Wednesday after three hours of successful surgery followed by four hours of unsuccessful surgery.The post Francine Holmes appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#71VYK)
The post Pete Hegseth Wakes Up At 3 P.M. With Dozen Missed Calls From The Hague appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#71VWR)
The post Man Proudly Saves $8 On Pubic Hair Trimmer appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#71VWS)
The post Cory Booker Delivers Historic 25-Hour Wedding Vows appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#71VQS)
The post Heaven Can't Wait appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#71VHY)
WASHINGTON-In an effort to expand recruitment for President Donald Trump's immigration crackdown, the Department of Homeland Security announced Tuesday that it would waive the species requirements for new Immigration and Customs Enforcement agents. At a press conference, Home-land Security Secretary Kristi Noem said eligibility requirements that previously limited ICE applicants to the species Homo sapiens [...]The post Homeland Security Relaxes Species Requirements To Join ICE appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#71VHX)
SAN ANTONIO-With the GOP's redrawn congressional maps taking effect across Texas, a local family reported Friday that the earth rumbled and dishes crashed to the floor as gerrymandering ripped through the kitchen of their home. At approximately 6:52 p.m., Dan and Jody Marshall noticed ripples forming in their water glasses, which were resting on a [...]The post Earth Rumbles, Dishes Crash To Floor As Gerrymandering Rips Through House appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#71VHW)
The post Nature Begins Reclaiming Chuck Grassley appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#71VHV)
This two-bedroom ranch-style house will gradually become more livable as the ghost finds his rhythm. Reference #37290The post Haunted By Teenager Learning To Play Drums appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#71VHT)
Once Thanksgiving dinner is over, many Americans find their refrigerators packed with several days' worth of leftover food that often goes to waste. The Onion shares tips for repurposing your holiday leftovers. Hang onto them for Christmas stocking stuffers. Provide any uneaten turkey to PETA for resuscitation. By whisking a couple of eggs into your [...]The post Tips For Repurposing Thanksgiving Leftovers appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#71STX)
WICHITA, KS-Admitting that the tempting dried fruit would ruin her figure, local grandmother Linda Donovan told reporters Friday that she can't trust herself to keep raisins in the house. I used to keep a canister up in a high cabinet that I couldn't reach without hurting myself, but I've decided it's more responsible to remove [...]The post Grandmother Can't Trust Herself To Keep Raisins In House appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#71STW)
PASADENA, CA-Dispelling numerous widespread beliefs about the role the celestial body plays in life on Earth, astronomers at the California Institute of Technology published a paper in the Proceedings Of The National Academy Of Sciences Friday that found the moon serves no purpose but to alert raccoons that it's safe to come out. While it's [...]The post Researchers Determine Moon Serves No Purpose But Alerting Raccoons It Safe To Come Out appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#71STV)
After someone heard her knocking, a Thai woman was discovered alive inside her coffin, just narrowly avoiding cremation. What do you think?The post Thai Woman Found Alive In Coffin Moments Before Cremation appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#71S3V)
KNOXVILLE, TN-In a development her family began referringto as a stroke of luck," local 81-year-old Gloria Martin reportedly died Thursday before her granddaughter arrived to Thanksgiving dinner with her girlfriend. Oh, thank God-problem solved, everybody," said Frank Martin, grandson of the deceased, who reportedly breathed a sigh of relief along with his cousins, aunts, uncles, [...]The post Grandma Thankfully Dies Before Sister's Girlfriend Arrives appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#71S3T)
The post Sweet Potato Dish Stopped Being Healthy 5 Ingredients Ago appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#71S3S)
The post Cousins Form Pact To Get Laid By End Of Thanksgiving appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#71S3R)
Across the nation, Americans are gathering with loved ones to celebrate the Thanksgiving holiday. What are you thankful for?The post America Celebrates Thanksgiving appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#71R94)
LOW EARTH ORBIT-Saying the dreaded nightly ritual had quickly become his least favorite part of his mission, astronaut Dave Barron told reporters Wednesday that he absolutely hated the long, freezing spacewalk required to reach the International Space Station's outhouse. God, it's such a pain. You have to put on the whole suit, depressurize, and then [...]The post Astronaut Hates Long Nightly Spacewalk To ISS Outhouse appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#71R93)
INDIANAPOLIS-In an effort to get hands-on experience stigmatizing patients' bodies in a safe environment, Indiana University medical student Dylan Loera confirmed Wednesday that she was practicing fat shaming on a cadaver. At first it felt strange, but the opportunity to practice saying, Have you tried losing a few pounds?' in the flesh is so different [...]The post Medical Student Practices Fat Shaming On Cadaver appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#71R92)
WASHINGTON-Responding to concerns about high grocery prices ahead of the holiday, President Donald Trump held a press conference Wednesday to tout the affordability of hay-based Thanksgiving dishes. I'm doing a great job on the economy and bringing the price of Thanksgiving dinners way down by encouraging Americans to replace costly ingredients with straw," said Trump, [...]The post White House Touts Affordability Of Hay-Based Thanksgiving Dishes appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#71R91)
Vince Offer, the once-prominent infomercial pitchman better known as the ShamWow guy," has filed to run as a Republican in Texas's 31st congressional district, claiming he wants to destroy wokeism" in Congress and make America happy." What do you think?The post ShamWow Guy Running For Congress appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#71QP1)
The post Fraternity Under Investigation After Forcing Pledges To Volunteer At Soup Kitchen appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#71QK0)
PROVIDENCE, RI-Shedding new light on the everyday life of citizens during the Industrial Revolution, historians at Brown University concluded in a study published Tuesday that the average 19th-century American spent roughly 93% of their waking hours waving at trains and boats. Journal entries from the period show that most citizens spent their days stationed at [...]The post Study: Average 19th-Century American Spent 93% Of Time Waving At Trains, Boats appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#71QK1)
WASHINGTON-Warning that the film might evoke certain feelings that audience members weren't prepared to confront, the Motion Picture Association reportedly assignedZootopia 2a PG-13 rating Tuesday for sexually awakening content. We were quite alarmed by the places we found our thoughts drifting to, and we're confident the majority ofZootopia 2viewers will agree," said MPA spokesperson Richard [...]The post MPA Rates Zootopia 2' PG-13 For Sexually Awakening Content appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#71QGK)
The post Vince Lombardi Trophy Clanking Around In Trunk Of Roger Goodell's Car appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#71QGJ)
President Trump accused Democratic lawmakers of seditious behavior" after they released a video urging U.S. service members to refuse unlawful orders, claiming that it could be punishable by death." What do you think?The post Trump Claims Democrats' Video To Military Seditious Behavior, Punishable By Death' appeared first on The Onion.
by The Onion Staff on (#71PXM)
Sales of an AI-enabled plush teddy bear were suspended after it was found to have given children explicit sexual content and dangerous guidance, such as where to find knives in the home and discussions of fetishes. What do you think?The post AI-Enabled Teddy Bear Pulled From Shelves For Giving Advice On BDSM, Where To Find Knives appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#71PXN)
WASHINGTON-Describing the practice as a fun little side project" rather than an occupation, Education Secretary Linda McMahon announced Monday that nursing would be reclassified as a hobby under new student loan regulations. While those seeking degrees in veterinary medicine, law, and podiatry will still have access to the full financing available to future professionals, our [...]The post White House Reclassifies Nursing As Hobby appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#71PTF)
According to a new AAA report, a record number of Americans plan to travel 50 miles or more for the holidays this year. The Onion examines the key facts and figures behind Thanksgiving travel. 60,000 Redeemed airline miles wasted on round-trip flight to Ohio 2 Oven-roasted whole turkeys each passenger allowed to carry on 4 [...]The post Thanksgiving Travel By The Numbers appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#71PTG)
WASHINGTON-In an attempt to dispel rumors of an affair during the 2024 presidential campaign, Health and Human Services Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. held a press conference Monday during which he denied ever laying eggs in Vanity Fair editor Olivia Nuzzi. I know there has been a lot of speculation about me depositing my clutch [...]The post RFK Jr. Denies Ever Laying Eggs In Olivia Nuzzi appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#71PTH)
BOSTON-Prematurely assuming he had reached the end of the 1977 rock masterpiece, local man Peter Verran, who thought Fleetwood Mac's The Chain" was over, was reportedly in for the thrill of his fucking life Monday. According to eyewitnesses, Verran incorrectly understood the receding guitar licks and cymbal crashes just before the three-minute mark to be [...]The post Man Who Thought Fleetwood Mac's The Chain' Was Over In For Thrill Of His Fucking Life appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#71PTJ)
The post Interactive COP30 Exhibit Allows Attendees To Be Shot Up Into Air On Big Spurt Of Oil appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#71PTK)
WASHINGTON-Reversing course after fierce backlash over the decision's potentially divisive nature, the U.S. Coast Guard announced Friday that it would abandon plans to reclassify the swastika from a hate symbol to the military branch's official mascot. As of now, there are no ongoing plans to continue rolling out Heily the Sailin' Swastika' as our fun [...]The post Coast Guard Backtracks On Plan To Reclassify Swastikas As Mascot appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#71PMV)
BELCHERTOWN, MA-Cautiously eyeing up a nearby mare in what barnyard sources described as a mixture of flirtation and guarded optimism, local horse Oatmeal reportedly took several moments Monday to assess whether a potential mate was also a horse. I have pretty high standards, so I just want to make sure she's the one for me [...]The post Horse Carefully Assesses Potential Mate For Also Being Horse appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#71PMT)
The post Ken Burns' The American Revolution' Ends With Number To Call If You Considering Founding Nation appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#71NGD)
An inmate in Australia is suing over a ban on prisoners eating Vegemite, arguing that forbidding the yeast-based spread violates his human right to enjoy his culture as an Australian." What do you think?The post Australian Prisoner Sues For Right To Eat Vegemite appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#71MZ9)
CLEVELAND-Saying he was ready to carry on the legacy forged by Cody Kessler, Dorian Thompson-Robinson, and dozens of other short-lived Browns signal callers over the past two decades, rookie quarterback Shedeur Sanders told reporters Friday he was more than confident" he could deliver everything Cleveland fans had come to expect. Being this team's 42nd starting [...]The post Shedeur Sanders Confident He Can Deliver Everything Browns Fans Have Come To Expect appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#71MZA)
Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene's (R-GA) feud with President Trump is shaking MAGA world. Here is everything you need to know about Greene. Birthplace: Kenya Religion: Islamophobia Experience: Six years of commenting Pedophiles!" under Facebook posts Political Ideology: Christian swinger nationalism Favorite Condiment: Beef jerky Nickname For Son, Boyfriend, And Dog: Buster Campaign Slogan: I will [...]The post Political Profile: Marjorie Taylor Greene appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#71MZB)
A new Gallup poll found that fewer than half of Americans now say religion is important in their daily lives, a 17 point drop since 2015, reflecting a major cultural shift in the U.S. What do you think?The post Religiosity In U.S. Drops To Lowest On Record appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#71MWQ)
Alligator Alcatraz, a massive migrant detention center in Florida's Everglades, has been plagued by reports of inhumane conditions and environmental concerns since its opening on July 3. The Onion breaks down the statistics of the facility at the center of Republicans' crackdown on illegal immigration. 40,000 Truth Social profile pictures taken by sign 0 Applicants [...]The post Alligator Alcatraz By The Numbers appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#71MWR)
SOUTH BEND, IN-Expressing horror at the sight of the health secretary's bare torso emerging from the vat of grease, a local Steak 'n Shake employee reportedly screamed Friday after a nude Robert F. Kennedy Jr. climbed out of the restaurant's beef tallow fryer. My skin is perfectly crispy, and I've never felt healthier," said Kennedy, [...]The post Steak 'N Shake Employee Screams After Nude RFK Jr. Climbs Out Of Beef Tallow Fryer appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#71MWS)
WASHINGTON-In the wake of a controversial incident aboard Air Force One in which President Donald Trump insulted a female journalist, Vice President JD Vance is said to have wept in his office bathroom, furious that the commander-in-chief had used his special piggy" nickname on someone else. But I'm supposed to be his piggy-I'm supposed to [...]The post JD Vance Cries In Bathroom After Trump Uses Piggy' Nickname On Someone Else appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#71M97)
The post Gifted Khashoggi Head Mounted In Oval Office appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#71M5Y)
SAN FRANCISCO-Shedding light on how consumers were most likely to interact with the popular software application, a new report published Thursday by OpenAI revealed that ChatGPT was primarily used to ask if hot dogs were too old to eat. Our large-scale analysis found that 98% of our users are leveraging the computing power of AI [...]The post OpenAI Reveals ChatGPT Primarily Used To Ask If Hot Dog Too Old To Eat appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#71M5Z)
Pluribus, a new sci-fi drama starring Rhea Seehorn, is Breaking Bad creator Vince Gilligan's first show since Better Call Saul concluded. The Onion shares everything you need to know about the series. Q: What's the premise? A: An extraterrestrial virus causes everyone except those who were robbed at the Emmys to join a hive mind. [...]The post What To Know About Pluribus' appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#71M60)
GLOUCESTERSHIRE, ENGLAND-Audibly sighing as he listlessly" undid a corset string by the light of a candle, a sulking, exhausted stable boy was reportedly going through the motions Thursday of tearing open Lady Marietta Ashcroft's bodice. At first I thought he was distracted by the nickering horses, or the passionate surging of the thunderstorm, but now [...]The post Exhausted Stable Boy Clearly Just Going Through Motions Of Tearing Open Bodice appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#71M61)
The post Dennis Hastert Just Going To Assume He Welcome Back In GOP appeared first on The Onion.
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