The Onion

BEVERLY HILLS, CA-Posing for photos as they cleaned cages, filled food bowls, and went on walks around the block, celebrity couple Mila Kunis and Ashton Kutcher reportedly spent Wednesday afternoon volunteering at their local predator shelter. Sadly, there are so many sexual predators without loving homes, but we've always found them to make great companions," [...]The post Mila Kunis, Ashton Kutcher Volunteer At Local Predator Shelter appeared first on The Onion.

Though he stopped short of urging people to get the shot, Health Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr., a noted vaccine critic, acknowledged the value of the measles vaccine amid a deadly outbreak in Texas. What do you think?The post Vaccine Critic RFK Jr. Backs Measles Vaccine Amid Deadly Outbreak appeared first on The Onion.

President Donald Trump's 25% taxes on imports from Mexico and Canada went into effect today, the latest salvo in a North American trade war that may have already stoked inflation and impeded growth. What do you think?The post Trump's 25% Tariffs On Canada, Mexico Take Effect appeared first on The Onion.

FAIRFAX, VA-Calling the young students the true enemy of gun rights," the National Rifle Association reportedly issued an F" rating Monday to dead schoolchildren. This is our lowest rating, and it's exactly what this radical group of anti-gun extremists deserves," said NRA CEO Doug Hamlin, who lambasted the deceased American shooting victims as selfish, divisive, [...]The post NRA Gives Dead Schoolchildren F' Rating appeared first on The Onion.

BEVERLY HILLS, CA-Growing increasingly anxious as yet another minute passed without the 56-year-old consultant's return, Jennifer Lopez reportedly expressed concerns Thursday that her Bumble date was not coming back from the bathroom at the Maybourne Bar. We were really vibing on text, and it seemed things were going pretty good over the first drink, but [...]The post Jennifer Lopez Worried Bumble Date Not Coming Back From Bathroom appeared first on The Onion.

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CHICAGO-A feeling of utter helplessness flooding his nervous system from the very moment he spotted the enormous" brown paper sack, area 34-year-old Caleb Atkinson told reporters Wednesday his DoorDash order had arrived in a humiliatingly large bag. Atkinson, who lives alone, alleged the size of the bag used by local restaurant Gyro Grill to pack [...]The post DoorDash Order Arrives In Humiliatingly Large Bag appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Declaring the utter lack of alcohol in the Pentagon kitchen to be a national emergency," Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth reportedly deployed 3,000 troops American on a beer run Monday. As of this morning, I have ordered our armed forces to travel to liquor stores, gas stations, and 7-Elevens across the country to stock up on [...]The post Pete Hegseth Deploys 3,000 U.S. Troops On Beer Run appeared first on The Onion.

A New Hampshire woman was arrested after several years of allegedly urinating on items at a food co-op and posting videos of it online. What do you think?The post Woman Contaminates Grocery Store Food With Urine For Years appeared first on The Onion.

LOS ANGELES-In a development that cast a shadow over the 97th Academy Awards, the filmmakers behind Best Picture winner Kissing The Martinet reportedly faced backlash Monday after fans learned the movie did not exist. I can't believe Kissing The Martinet, my favorite movie of 2024, is not a real movie," said film critic Alexander Van [...]The post Best Picture Winner Kissing The Martinet' Faces Backlash After Fans Learn Movie Not Real appeared first on The Onion.

LOS ANGELES-Growing frustrated by the lack of variety in the couple's romantic outings, Kylie Jenner told reporters Monday that she would like to go on one date with Timothee Chalamet that wasn't an awards ceremony. The awards circuit is nice, I guess, but why don't we ever go, like, ice skating or to a museum?" [...]The post Kylie Jenner Admits She'd Like To Go On One Date That Isn't Awards Ceremony appeared first on The Onion.

After a ceiling collapsed onto the audience during a screening of the latest Marvel film, a theater in Wenatchee, WA is working with local authorities to determine the cause of the disaster. What do you think?The post Movie Theater Ceiling Collapses During Captain America' Screening appeared first on The Onion.

The Pitt, a new medical drama series on Max, has received an outpouring of praise for its realistic, hour-by-hour portrayal of a shift in a busy Pittsburgh emergency room. Here is everything you need to know about the show before tuning in: Q: Is it an accurate depiction of what it's like to work in [...]The post What To Know About The Pitt' appeared first on The Onion.

BELMONT, MA-His tolerance pushed ever-higher from decades of listening to the folksy radio program, desensitized A Prairie Home Companion fan Ira Hawthorne told reporters Thursday that he had recently been forced to seek out gentler and gentler material. My system's gotten so acclimated to the wry observations and Midwestern charm of the News From Lake [...]The post Desensitized Prairie Home Companion' Fan Seeks Out Gentler And Gentler Material appeared first on The Onion.

CHICAGO-Packing as closely together as possible to avoid losing their spots on the platform, passengers at the Chicago Transit Authority's Clark and Division station reportedly rushed to an arriving train's doors Friday like rat babies nursing at their mother's teats. Sources confirmed that as the riders gathered before the slowing train's doors, they instinctively huddled [...]The post Passengers Rush To Arriving Train's Doors Like Rat Babies Nursing At Mother's Teats appeared first on The Onion.

ST. PAUL, MN-Making an impassioned plea to his colleagues in an effort to inspire concrete action, Gov. Tim Walz of Minnesota publicly called on his fellow Democrats Monday to return his Tupperware at once. To the esteemed members of the Democratic Party-I implore you to stand up for what's right and give back any pieces [...]The post Tim Walz Calls On Fellow Democrats To Return His Tupperware appeared first on The Onion.

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WASHINGTON-In a move designed to promote unity and establish efficiency at the federal level, President Donald Trump signed an executive order Friday making the nation's official language remedial English. Going forward, all government communications must be really short and lack any kind of coherent grammatical structure," read the executive order, which also mandated that official [...]The post Trump Signs Executive Order Making Official Language Of U.S. Remedial English appeared first on The Onion.

Tate McRae, the artist behind the pop hit Greedy," has released her second studio album, So Close To What. Here is everything you need to know about the singer. Birth Name: You're looking at it Genre: New releases Hair Color: Unknown Aesthetic Inspired By: Early 2000s Carl's Jr. commercials Fanbase: Teens whose parents can't afford [...]The post Artist Profile: Tate McRae appeared first on The Onion.

SILVER SPRING, MD-As mass firings of career experts and scientists continued to roil the federal government, officials confirmed Friday that cuts to the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration had left a single set of wind chimes as the sole predictor of approaching hurricanes. In the wake of hundreds of layoffs at the National Weather Service, [...]The post NOAA Cuts Leave Wind Chimes As Sole Predictor Of Approaching Hurricanes appeared first on The Onion.

CLEVELAND-In a well-meaning but ultimately futile attempt at emotional support, Chuck Fineman, a local husband who was no closer to fixing things, was thinking Maybe hot dog will make wife feel better," sources confirmed Friday. Hot dog tastes good, and wife likes things that taste good," Fineman reportedly thought to himself, putting together a plan [...]The post Maybe Hot Dog Will Make Wife Feel Better,' Thinks Husband No Closer To Fixing Things appeared first on The Onion.

BETHESDA, MD-Ushering in a new, highly advanced era of creepy-crawly warfare, defense contractor Lockheed Martin announced Friday that it had developed a giant tactical rubber spider. With the introduction of this state-of-the-art rubber spider and its highly realistic, blood-curdling fangs, the face of combat has changed forever," said CEO James Taiclet, explaining that the long-range, [...]The post Lockheed Martin Develops Giant Tactical Rubber Spider appeared first on The Onion.

VATICAN CITY-Revealing that he had quickly distinguished himself at the four-day invitation-only event, Vatican sources confirmed Friday that Cardinal Timothy M. Dolan, a 75-year-old American prelate with a 3-foot vertical leap, had emerged as the frontrunner in the Papal Combine. The College of Cardinals has produced some strong prospects this time around, but Dolan's basilica [...]The post Cardinal With 3-Foot Vertical Leap Emerges As Frontrunner In Papal Combine appeared first on The Onion.

HIALEAH, FL-Crimson droplets splattered across local man Cameron Downs' white porcelain sink Thursday after he began flossing and reportedly spat out blood like a battered prizefighter in a championship bout. According to sources, the 32-year-old accounts receivable specialist braced himself against the edge of the bathroom vanity like a pummeled boxer laid out on the [...]The post Man Spits Out Blood While Flossing Like Battered Prizefighter In Championship Bout appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Addressing the ongoing outbreak in Texas that has infected at least 124 state residents and killed one child, Health and Human Services Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. vowed Thursday to make measles deaths so common that they wouldn't be upsetting anymore. When President Trump appointed me, I pledged to desensitize Americans to preventable death by [...]The post RFK Jr. Vows To Make Measles Deaths So Common They Won't Be Upsetting Anymore appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Insisting they were serious this time as they addressed all 340 million Americans, officials with the U.S. Department of Education sternly announced Thursday that they were counting to three. All right, we're not playing around here, guys-you do not want to see what happens when we get to three," department spokesperson Ella Reiss said during [...]The post Department Of Education Sternly Announces It Is Counting To 3 appeared first on The Onion.

BOSTON-In a new study conducted to examine the effects of high-octane vehicles on getting her back once and for all, researchers have concluded that revving the engine of a Corvette convertible outside your ex-girlfriend's office is the best way to show her what she's missing. According to our data, the efficacy of pulling up to [...]The post Study Finds Revving Corvette Outside Her Office Best Way To Show Ex What She's Missing appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Cautiously optimistic that the trend would continue to arouse no suspicions from readers, executives at AARP reportedly wondered Wednesday whether anyone would notice that Kathy Bates was appearing on the cover of the nonprofit's bimonthly magazine for the ninth time in a row. I don't even think we need to change the photo-this one is [...]The post AARP Wondering If Anyone Will Notice Kathy Bates On Cover For 9th Issue In Row appeared first on The Onion.

RALEIGH, NC-Breathing a sigh of relief as the pair of new acquaintances talked each other's ears off without any extra input, the rest of the people attending a party Thursday reportedly thanked fucking God that the two guys who liked etymology had found each other. I'm so glad Ian [Hawes] overheard Rob [Agundez] telling me [...]The post Rest Of Party Thanks Fucking God 2 Guys Who Like Etymology Found Each Other appeared first on The Onion.

CLEVELAND-Bemoaning the exhausting pattern into which his existence seemed to have fallen, local man Matthew Taylor told reporters Wednesday that he felt like his whole life was just an endless cycle of working, eating, sleeping, getting abducted by aliens, and then going to work again. Pretty much every day I roll out of bed, eat [...]The post Man Feels Like Whole Life Just Endless Cycle Of Work, Eat, Sleep, Get Abducted By Aliens appeared first on The Onion.

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ITHACA, NY-Noting that the evolutionary quirk results in plenty of familial strife, herpetologists at Cornell University confirmed Tuesday that shingleback lizards are the only reptiles that mate for the sake of their aging mothers. Unlike other lizards, the shingleback seeks out a partner to reproduce with as a means to stop the constant haranguing from [...]The post Scientists Confirm Shingleback Lizards Only Reptiles That Mate For Sake Of Aging Mothers appeared first on The Onion.

GREEN BAY, WI-In a comprehensive and thorough effort to ensure that nothing bad had happened, the aliveness of infant Liam Graham was reportedly quintuple-checked Tuesday before texting the new parents congratulations. I was about to pop off a quick text telling Amelia and Mike how happy I was for them, but then this wave of [...]The post Aliveness Of Baby Quintuple-Checked Before Texting New Parents Congratulations appeared first on The Onion.

NEW YORK-With thousands flocking to social media to discuss a scene from the popular HBO series in which a character's brow is slightly furrowed, an almost imperceptible facial expression is said to have sent a shock wave through the White Lotus fan base Sunday evening. Y'all...did you see what Walton Goggins just did using nothing [...]The post Virtually Imperceptible Facial Expression Sends Shock Wave Through White Lotus' Fan Base appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-In an attempt to raise morale by providing a fun yet challenging activity for employees of the U.S. DOGE Service, Elon Musk announced Monday a new office-wide contest to guess how many sperm were contained inside a cup placed on the front desk of the group's headquarters. Everyone take a good look, and no cheating! [...]The post Elon Musk Holds Office-Wide Contest To Guess How Many Sperm In Cup appeared first on The Onion.

NEW YORK-Warning that their sudden desire for a new sports car could leave you completely broke, many financial experts now recommend setting aside an emergency fund they can bilk you out of, reports confirmed Monday. Many Americans are completely unprepared for a rainy day, and ideally you should have three to six months of salary [...]The post Financial Experts Recommend Setting Aside Emergency Fund They Can Bilk You Out Of appeared first on The Onion.

ORLANDO, FL-Emphasizing that he absolutely wouldnot tolerate another awaygame that ended with over $200 in room charges, Washington Wizards coach Brian Keefe reportedly reminded his team Sunday that the bottled water in their hotel wasn't free. I know they don't have a price tag on them, but any water bottles in or around the mini [...]The post Washington Wizards Reminded That Bottled Water In Hotel Room Isn't Free appeared first on The Onion.

MURRIETA, CA-Reiterating his unwavering message about the importance of staying quiet during the cool parts of the movie, local boyfriend Sean Cohen reportedly didn't want to talk Monday during the scene where they're blowing up the Pentagon. Shh, babe-the helicopter is doing something," Cohen said to his girlfriend, swatting the air with a vague keep [...]The post Shh, Boyfriend Doesn't Want To Talk During Part Where They Blowing Up Pentagon appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-With the elected officials trying their hardest not to move a muscle, reports confirmed Monday that top Democratic leaders in Congress were standing real still in hopes that the American people wouldn't notice them. Don't make any sudden movements, or they'll spot us," Rep. Hakeem Jeffries (D-NY) said out of the corner of his mouth, [...]The post Democratic Leaders Stand Real Still In Hopes No One Notices Them appeared first on The Onion.