The Onion

NEW YORK-NFL referees announced Monday they had started a new tip line to which penalties could be reported, part of an effort to streamline the video review process and provide an opportunity for fans to help with the enforcement of rules.Starting today, we will have a dedicated team of volunteers standing by to collect any [...]The post NFL Referees Share New Penalty Tip Line Number appeared first on The Onion.

CHARLOTTE, NC-Screaming at the TV and remarking to himself that none of this made any sense, local football fan Sean Greene criticized an unrealistic NFL commercial Thursday for depicting a Carolina Panthers fan watching a game with his friends. It's crazy enough they want me to believe these guys root for the Panthers, but they [...]The post Unrealistic NFL Commercial Depicts Panthers Fan Watching Game With Friends appeared first on The Onion.

BOSTON-Gazing longingly at the obvious warmth and good cheer within, localbaldmanFrank Richmond reportedly pressed hisfaceto awindowWednesday as athick-hairedfamilyinside satdowntodinner. They all seem so happy," said Richmond, his wrinkled, naked pate offering no protection from the cold night air as he watched the smiling clan prepare for a meal by tucking their long, luxurious locks behind [...]The post Bald Man Presses Face To Window As Thick-Haired Family Sits Down To Dinner appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Expressing confidence that even the most hopeless group of outcasts could eventually be whipped into shape, Army recruiter Sgt. Paul Ackers confirmed Thursday that he was certain the ragtag bunch of teen misfits he had recently enlisted could be molded into a fighting force capable of dying in a conflict overseas. Ackers told reporters the [...]The post Military Recruiter Enlists Ragtag Bunch Of Teen Misfits To Die In Overseas Conflict appeared first on The Onion.

NEW YORK-Saying it reminded him why he comes to work every morning, Solarion Enterprises CEO Dan Lipcot told reporters Friday that in order to stay motivated at the office, he always kept a photo of himself on his desk.When I'm working long hours at night or on the weekend, this photo helps me to take [...]The post CEO Motivates Self By Keeping Own Photo On Desk appeared first on The Onion.

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THE HEAVENS-Groaning to Himself as the professionally dressed evangelists rounded the corner, the Lord God Almighty reportedly locked the gates of heaven Tuesday after spotting Mormon missionaries milling around outside. Maybe if we turn off all the lights and pretend no one's here we can get rid of them," said the Creator of the Universe, [...]The post God Locks Heavenly Gates After Spotting Mormon Missionaries Milling Around Outside appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Apologizing for the terrifying series of events that left shocked, confused, and disgusted citizens screaming, crying, and searching for cover, Federal Emergency Management Agency administrator Daniel Gilroy announced his resignation Tuesday after accidentally playing porn on the nation's Emergency Alert System.This morning at 11:21 a.m. EDT, I opened up a pornographic video on my laptop, [...]The post FEMA Administrator Resigns After Accidentally Playing Porn On Emergency Alert System appeared first on The Onion.

MADISON, WI-In the hours following a violent rampage in Wisconsin in which a lone attacker killed at least two individuals and injured six others, citizens living in the only country where this kind of mass killing routinely occurs reportedly concluded Monday that there was no way to prevent the massacre from taking place. This was [...]The post No Way To Prevent This,' Says Only Nation Where This Regularly Happens appeared first on The Onion.

LEXINGTON, KY-Clutching his stomach and describing his nostalgia for an era now passed, 36-year-old man Steven Dewey sat down with reporters this week and recalled his halcyon days of seven Oreos ago. Ah, to be at the beginning of the pack with a whole sleeve still ahead of you," said Dewey, appearing wistful as he [...]The post Bloated Man Recalls Halcyon Days Of 7 Oreos Ago appeared first on The Onion.

Mufasa: The Lion King, the prequel to the 2019 photorealistic remake of The Lion King, arrives in theaters Dec. 20. Here's what you need to know about the newest Disney film. Q: What can fans expect to learn about Mufasa's backstory? A: That before he was a big adult lion, he was a small child [...]The post What To Know About Mufasa: The Lion King' appeared first on The Onion.

LOS ANGELES-Staring blankly at the 27-year-old woman sitting across from him, musical artist Justin Bieber told reporters Thursday that he had forgotten his wife's name.I'd just keep saying babe,' but I think she's starting to catch on," said Bieber, who admitted that he had zero clue" whether the woman he had been married to for [...]The post Justin Bieber Forgets Wife's Name appeared first on The Onion.

We have taken another proud, collective stride toward dystopia. A bankruptcy court has denied the sale of InfoWars following a month of drawn-out legal proceedings. The experience was long and punishing for all involved, and the final outcome is inconclusive: The InfoWars assets remain in limbo. Everything is now in doubt and everyone is worse [...]The post A Message Of Hope From Global Tetrahedron appeared first on The Onion.

After nearly two years, Taylor Swift's Eras Tour has at last concluded, grossing over $2 billion in ticket sales. The Onion looks at the key facts and figures behind the record-breaking tour. 1.2 million: Parents who only learned at the door that you can't bring water bottles into the venue 113: Average rushing yards per [...]The post Taylor Swift's Eras Tour By The Numbers appeared first on The Onion.

PALM BEACH, FL-Despite begging to attend the party in his suit like every other member of Donald Trump's future cabinet, Vice President-elect JD Vance was reportedly forced to dress as an elf Friday for the Mar-a-Lago Christmas party. Hey everyone, I'm JD, the Christmas elf!" the 40-year-old Ohio senator said in a high-pitched voice, prancing [...]The post JD Vance Forced To Dress As Elf At Mar-A-Lago Christmas Party appeared first on The Onion.

HOUSTON-In a devastating accident that left the entire downtown area in smoldering ruins, officials confirmed Tuesday that the Houston skyline had been knocked over by a large, playful sheepdog named Gus.According to eyewitnesses, the 3-year-old Old English sheepdog tore through the business district,bumping into the TC Energy Center and whacking over the JPMorgan Chase Tower [...]The post Large, Playful Sheepdog Knocks Over Houston Skyline appeared first on The Onion.

By Commander Byxxurian Greetings, earthlings. I am Commander Byxxurian from Nebula Vriphlaxor-9. I come bearing a message of utmost importance from the galactic consortium. Its intended recipient is one who lives among you, and if it is not delivered quickly, then I fear all hope will be lost. Please, we do not have much time. [...]The post Take Me To Your Girlboss appeared first on The Onion.

BENTON HARBOR, MI-Confirming that the device would give home cooks the speed, efficiency, and power of over 200 professional chefs, appliance brand KitchenAid announced Wednesday that it had begun selling a new military-grade culinary mech suit.Whether you are attempting to make your world-famous blueberry muffins, roll out perfect tagliatelle, or spiralize vegetables for a healthy [...]The post KitchenAid Unveils New Culinary Mech Suit appeared first on The Onion.

LANCASTER, PA-Leaping up from his rocking chair as the realization filled him with utter panic, forgetful Amish guy Amos Yoder suddenly and loudly shrieked The harvest!' on Thursday, according to Pennsylvania Dutch sources. The crops, the crops! Amos, you old Wutz, you've gone and messed everything up again," Yoder was overheard shouting as he hastily [...]The post The Harvest!' Shrieks Forgetful Amish Guy appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-In an evident attempt to walk back previous inflammatory statements, prospective Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth clarified Thursday that although he now believes women should be allowed in combat roles, he still sees that as a huge turnoff. While I want to state that I have nothing but respect for the female troops serving our [...]The post Pete Hegseth Clarifies Women Allowed In Combat Roles But It's A Huge Turnoff appeared first on The Onion.

Whether you're spending time with cherished family members or new friends, skipping small talk and diving into deeper topics can help strengthen your relationships. The Onion shares tips for having more meaningful conversations. Bang a gavel every time someone says something trivial. Put your phone away, unless you're having a conversation with someone over the [...]The post Tips For Having More Meaningful Conversations appeared first on The Onion.

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MANASSAS, VA-Producing numerous congenital and physical anomalies that include extreme Anglo-Saxon deformities, years of inbreeding reportedly caused a pug named Mabel to give birth to a British man Monday.It appears that excessive pug inbreeding has resulted in this human male with visibly English traits, a sickly appearance, and a dour demeanor," said veterinarian Jenna Masterson, [...]The post Years Of Inbreeding Causes Dog To Birth British Man appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Mounting a public campaign in an effort to determine the origin of the unrecognized foliage specimen, Secretary of the Interior Deb Haaland asked the nation for help Friday in identifying a leaf that she confirmed was from a tree or something" but remained a mystery otherwise.Have you seen this leaf before?" read a post on [...]The post Secretary Of Interior Asks Nation's Help Identifying Leaf appeared first on The Onion.

CLEVELAND-In an advertising choice that stunned observers with its sheer audacity, ballsy retirement home Sunrise Heights has an interracial couple right on the front of its brochure, sources confirmed Thursday. Holy shit, they really just went for it, huh?" said local man Derek Allsworth, one of several people who shook their heads in begrudging respect [...]The post Ballsy Retirement Home Has Interracial Couple Right On Front Of Brochure appeared first on The Onion.

NEW YORK-Confessing that celebrations had unfortunately gotten a little out of hand in recent years, NFL commissioner Roger Goodell told reporters this week that he was planning a small, intimate Super Bowl with just friends and family. This year, instead of a big blowout with over 83,000 fans, we'll be keeping the guest list down [...]The post NFL Planning Small, Intimate Super Bowl With Friends, Family appeared first on The Onion.

ABILENE, KS-Holding their loved ones close in astonishment as they witnessed thehistory-making broadcast, an emotional nation reportedly gathered outside a Main Street television store Friday to watch a monster truck land on a smaller truck.Oh my gosh, I never thought I'd see something like this in my lifetime-honey? Honey, look at what Slingshot is doing," [...]The post Emotional Nation Gathers Outside Main Street TV Store To Watch Monster Truck Land On Smaller Truck appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Citing the results of an exhaustive five-year inquiry into the source of the outbreak of social isolation currently plaguing the United States, the Department of Health and Human Services declared Wednesday that Dayton, OH-area loser Bill McCraw was patient zero in the national loneliness epidemic.Through extensive contact tracing, we've confirmed the epidemic of loneliness that [...]The post Area Loser Declared Patient Zero In Loneliness Epidemic appeared first on The Onion.

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With incidence rates increasing over the past two decades, more doctors are recommending routine self-checks to catch early signs of breast cancer. Here's how to perform a breast self-exam. Remove your clothes and place them in a safe location so that rambunctious neighbor boys can't steal them and ride away on their bicycles laughing. Beg [...]The post How To Perform A Breast Self-Exam appeared first on The Onion.

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MOSCOW-Just days after rebels seized Damascus, deposed Syrian President Bashar al-Assad reportedly returned to practicing ophthalmology at a Moscow LensCrafters, sources confirmed Tuesday. Which one is better-one or two?" said the former brutal dictator who had imprisoned, tortured, and killed tens of thousands of his own people and was now standing behind a phoropter as [...]The post Assad Returns To Ophthalmology At Moscow LensCrafters appeared first on The Onion.

GREENVILLE, NC-Calling it a life-changing" opportunity for one of his many subscribers, internet influencer Jimmy MrBeast" Donaldson reportedly offered Friday to give $1 million to the first person who could teach him to blink. Today, I'm kicking off the Make MrBeast Blink Challenge' and asking all of you to help me learn to finally close [...]The post MrBeast Offers To Give $1Million To First Person Who Can Teach Him To Blink appeared first on The Onion.

NEW YORK-Calling his nightly study sessions the difference between winning and losing the war against the deep state, New York Jets quarterback Aaron Rodgers reportedly took time Monday to demonstrate to rookies how to properly break down the Zapruder film.Right now Umbrella Man is motioning, and that tells me they're using two firing squads," Rodgers [...]The post Aaron Rodgers Shows Rookies How To Break Down Zapruder Film appeared first on The Onion.

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SPRINGFIELD, MO-Claiming the awful predicament was every mother and father's worst nightmare, reports confirmed Tuesday that more parents now say that allowing their children to play football is not worth the risk of having them drafted by the New York Jets. Sure, there are positives to having your child play football, but if my son [...]The post More Parents Say Allowing Child To Play Football Not Worth Risk Of Being Drafted By Jets appeared first on The Onion.

DAMASCUS-Stating that none of it would have been possible without the broken will of the nation's people, ousted Syrian autocrat Bashar al-Assad left a note Sunday thanking locals for supporting his family-run dictatorship. It's been my family's great honor to operate an authoritarian regime in this country for the past half century, and we never [...]The post Assad Regime Leaves Note Thanking Locals For Supporting Family-Run Dictatorship appeared first on The Onion.

PHILADELPHIA-Weighing in on the chaotic events unfolding in one of those Middle Eastern-looking countries, Americans reported feeling glad Monday that ISIS had finally been defeated or something to that effect. It's so awesome how those people went in and just told ISIS to get out of that part of the world," said local man Gino [...]The post Americans Glad ISIS Defeated Or Something appeared first on The Onion.

President Joe Biden issued a full and unconditional" pardon to his son Hunter Biden last Sunday night. In light of the controversial decision, The Onion looks back on the history of presidential pardons. 1868: Andrew Johnson grants amnesty to all Confederate war horses. 1933: FDR accidentally releases thousands of imprisoned criminals after falling asleep on [...]The post Timeline Of Presidential Pardons appeared first on The Onion.