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by The Onion Staff on (#6ZEGG)
Foregoing any flowery language about reigniting the passion in your marriage, we're just going to come out and say this secluded vacation rental is perfect for fucking in. Loudly! Reference #90210The post We Want You To Fuck Here appeared first on The Onion.
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The Onion
| Link | https://theonion.com/ |
| Feed | https://www.theonion.com/rss |
| Updated | 2025-11-19 03:16 |
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by The Onion Staff on (#6ZEGF)
Antonio D'Angelo, 63, fell backward onto a knife in his apartment Tuesday, and that's all you need to know.The post Antonio D'Angelo appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6ZE0F)
The post The Onion Film Standard: Top Gun appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6ZDV7)
SAN FRANCISCO-Thumbing back the pistol's hammer as his dreams for the future were dashed before his eyes, OpenAI CEO Sam Altman reportedly placed a gun to his head Tuesday after a new model of ChatGPT claimed that dogs are crustaceans for the 60th time. You're right, dogs are not a type of crustacean-I meant to [...]The post Sam Altman Places Gun To Head After New GPT Claims Dogs Are Crustaceans For 60th Time appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6ZDV8)
The post Trump, Zelensky Sit Across From Each Other In Awkward Silence At Georgetown Cupcake appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6ZDMV)
ITHACA, NY-In a groundbreaking study published in the journal Animal Behaviour, researchers at Cornell University revealed Monday that elephants are the only known nonhuman species capable of leveraging synergies across a diversified brand portfolio. Conventional wisdom has long held that leveraging omnibrand fluidity to unlock cross-platform capital efficiencies was a behavior unique to humans, but [...]The post Study: Elephants Only Other Species Capable Of Leveraging Synergies In Brand Portfolio appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6ZDMT)
CINCINNATI-Claiming that the horrifying near-death experience really put things into perspective, area man Leo York announced Tuesday that a recent heroin overdose served as a wake-up call to keep on doing heroin but just be smarter about it. That's it. Tomorrow I'm buying a digital scale, and from now on I'm only using on weekends [...]The post Heroin Overdose Serves As Wake-Up Call To Keep Doing Heroin But Smarter appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6ZDMS)
The post Coveted Broadway Stage Role Landed By Juilliard-Trained Curtains appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6ZDMR)
Now that they've tied the knot, the bride will begrudgingly root for the groom's stupid little football team.The post Anna Tsang and Matthew Valentine appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6ZD8A)
WASHINGTON-Taking offense that European leaders had, in his view, disrespected the White House by showing up inadequately dressed to Monday's closely watched Oval Office meeting with Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelensky, President Donald Trump reportedly fumed that not a single one of them had arrived in lederhosen and a tiny feathered hat. It's rude and, frankly, [...]The post Trump Angry Not A Single Visiting European Leader Wearing Lederhosen, Tiny Hat appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6ZD8B)
A group of cottontail rabbits in Fort Collins have developed tentacle-like growths caused by a virus, which authorities say pose no threat to other animals or humans. What do you think?The post Rabbits With Tentacle-Like Growths Seen In Colorado appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6ZD69)
The post Trump Negotiates With Zelensky Exclusively Through Pointing appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6ZD3J)
The White House has announced they will be reviewing all exhibits at the Smithsonian Institution in order to assess tone, historical framing, and alignment with American ideals." Here is a selection of the changes President Trump is demanding be implemented immediately. New wing about the Cola wars Plaques updated to confirm that wooly mammoths were [...]The post All The Demands Trump Is Making Of The Smithsonian appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6ZCVJ)
PITTSBURGH-Detailing the harmful, long-term effects of early exposure to the ball club's dismal on-field product, parents and child safety organizations denounced the Pittsburgh Pirates Monday for directly marketing the team to children. It is deeply irresponsible to lure kids into becoming Pirates fans before they're emotionally equipped to handle the kind of disappointment and chronic [...]The post Pirates Under Fire For Directly Marketing Team To Children appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6ZCVH)
WASHINGTON-Expanding its suite of discounted entry options to draw in more visitors, the National Park Service announced Tuesday the rollout of a new annual body-dumping pass for use on federal lands across the country. Officials confirmed the pass covers park admission and day-use fees for the disposal of dead bodies on America's government-owned nature preserves, [...]The post National Park Service Begins Offering Annual Body-Dumping Pass appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6ZCVG)
CHICAGO-Kicking himself as the condiment splattered all over his pristine meal, local man Scott Wilkinson reportedly expressed frustration Thursday after getting mustard on his brand-new hot dog.Son of a bitch, I just got this hot dog-how is it covered in mustard already?" said Wilkinson, dabbing the recently purchased frankfurter with a napkin and explaining that [...]The post Frustrated Man Gets Mustard All Over His New Hot Dog appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6ZCVF)
A bit of cancer is a small price to pay for this charming bungalow in the 500-mile exclusion zone surrounding the site of a catastrophic nuclear meltdown. Reference #867530The post What's A Little Cesium-134? appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6ZCVE)
A new Gallup poll found that only 54% of U.S. adults report drinking alcohol, a record low as growing health concerns and skepticism about moderate drinking drive the decline. What do you think?The post U.S. Alcohol Consumption Falls To Record Low appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6ZCVD)
The post Wax On, Vax Off appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6ZCVC)
NEW YORK-Sharing new details aboutThe Life Of A Showgirl, pop superstar Taylor Swift revealed Monday that she wrote the forthcoming album while boyfriend Travis Kelce watchedFamily Guyin the background. From the first song to the last, he was there for the entire process, sprawled out on the couch with his mouth agape and his arm [...]The post Taylor Swift Details Writing New Album With Travis Kelce Watching Family Guy' In Background appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6ZBRC)
Weapons, a new horror film from the director of Barbarian, topped the box office on its opening weekend. The Onion shares everything you need to know about the movie. Q. Why is the film called Weapons? A. The title Where Did The Kids Go? Find Out, Josh Brolin! didn't test well. Q: Is it scary? [...]The post What To Know About Weapons' appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6ZBCT)
WASHINGTON-Shedding new light on the widespread dissemination of misinformation, the Pew Research Center released a new poll Friday that found the majority of Americans still believe the greatest threat to public health is the Undertaker. More than 85% of U.S. adults stated they were extremely concerned' about the negative health impact the Deadman could have [...]The post Poll Finds Americans Still Believe Greatest Threat To Public Health The Undertaker appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6ZBCS)
DAYTON, OH-In a tragic turn to what loved ones had expected to be a joyous day, family sources confirmed Tuesday that area woman Sandra McDowell's career had died in childbirth.We did everything we could to preserve the mother's job prospects, but sadly, she just lost too much employability for her career to survive," said obstetrician [...]The post Woman's Career Dies In Childbirth appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6ZBCR)
The post Novelty Nachos Helmet Works Way Into Regular Dishes Rotation appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6ZBCQ)
The post Sweetshop Labor appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6ZBCP)
Yasmine Polk, 56, passed over the rainbow bridge last Friday, becoming the first non-pet to do so.The post Yasmine Polk appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6ZBCN)
The post Two Seniors,' Says Jordon Hudson, Looking AMC Cashier Dead In Eye appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6ZB0G)
A 60-year-old man was hospitalized with rare bromide poisoning after replacing table salt with sodium bromide based on advice given by ChatGPT, despite the FDA claiming the substance is unsafe for human consumption. What do you think?The post Man Poisoned After Taking Dietary Advice From ChatGPT appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6ZAW1)
President Donald Trump has claimed that crime is out of control" in the nation's capital and beyond. The Onion assesses the veracity of the president's claims. Claim: D.C. has endured a record amount of robberies. Partially true: Some places in Georgetown sell a cup of coffee for $9. Claim: Chicago, New York, and Los Angeles [...]The post Fact-Checking Trump On Crime appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6ZAW2)
The cherry tomato-sized meteorite that pierced the roof of a home near Atlanta has been confirmed to be about 4.56 billion years old, making it older than Earth itself. What do you think?The post Meteorite That Crashed Into Georgia Home Older Than Planet Earth appeared first on The Onion.
by The Onion Staff on (#6ZAW3)
The post Stephen Miller Tears Up As Son Says First 14 Words appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6ZARH)
WASHINGTON-In an ambitious new effort targeting undocumented immigrants, theDepartment of Homeland Securityannounced this week that it wouldbegin offeringa $1,000 stipend to migrants who voluntarily self-destruct. If you are here illegally, the easiest, most cost-effective way to avoid arrest is by downloading the Customs and Border Patrol app, pressing the red button, and-after the the 10-second [...]The post DHSOffers$1,000 Stipend To Migrants Who Voluntarily Self-Destruct appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6ZARJ)
WASHINGTON-Hoping his upcoming meeting in Anchorage with Russian President Vladimir Putin will bring a much-needed change of pace, an exhausted President Donald Trump told reporters Thursday that a fun getaway with a murderous dictator is just what he's been needing. It's been a pretty busy year, so it'll be great to take a little summer [...]The post Fun Getaway With Murderous Dictator Just What Exhausted Trump Been Needing appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6ZARK)
LEAWOOD, KS-Staring at the email in bewilderment, Kansas City Chiefs tight end Travis Kelce reportedly received an invoice Thursday for girlfriend Taylor Swift's appearance on his podcast this week. Shit, she didn't mention anything about this," the 35-year-oldNew Heightsco-host said as he scrutinized the PDF file sent from Swift's personal email account, which in addition [...]The post Travis Kelce Receives Invoice For Girlfriend's Podcast Appearance appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6ZAJV)
NEW YORK-Describing the city recently incorporated by SpaceX workers as ideal for those hoping to settle down and raise their employer's children, U.S. News & World Report published a new ranking this week that names Starbase, TX as the best city in which to start a family with one's boss.Across all metrics, we found there [...]The post Starbase Named Best City To Start Family With Boss appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6ZAJT)
WASHINGTON-In an expression of outrage at the vice president for his perceived ineptitude and lack of principles, JD Vance was reportedly booed Monday by his own reflection in the mirror.You suck, you morally bankrupt prick! Go fuck yourself!" said Vance's mirror image, flipping off the vice president and claiming that he was a traitor to [...]The post JD Vance Booed By Own Reflection In Mirror appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6ZAJS)
The post Everyone In 200-Member Media Softball League Unemployed appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6ZAJR)
The engaged couple recently denounced the heteronormative institution of marriage after learning the average cost of a wedding is $33,000.The post Jack Harper And Patrick Clarke appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6ZA20)
WASHINGTON-In a gesture many critics have decried as yet another blatant bribe to secure favorable regulatory treatment,Frito-LayCEO Steven Williams presented President Donald Trump this week with a 24-karat, solid gold Funyun. The president has long voiced his desire to own a golden, crunchy onion, and we knew it would be our privilege to make that [...]The post Frito-LayCEO Gifts Trump Gold Funyun appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6Z9VF)
THE HEAVENS-Moments after spotting hordes of the minuscule creatures skittering across the face of the earth, the Lord, Our Holy Father, reportedly became disgusted Thursday and placed a giant overturned glass atop humanity. Heavenly sources confirmed the Almighty cursed in surprise when He first spotted the massive swarm of human beings crawling through Creation, but [...]The post Disgusted God Puts Giant Overturned Glass AtopHumanity appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6Z9VE)
KENOSHA, WI-After lurking in a fulfillment center parking lot until employees had finished their 12-hour shift, Amazon founder and executive chairman Jeff Bezos reportedly mugged one of his company's warehouse workers at gunpoint Friday.Just take out your wallet real slow and drop it into my hands-no sudden movements!" said Bezos, his face obscured behind a [...]The post Jeff Bezos Mugs Amazon Warehouse Worker At Gunpoint appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6Z9VD)
SANTA FE, NM-Stressing that fans of the franchise were about to be richly rewarded for their patience, author George R.R. Martin announced Tuesday that he had finally finished writing his sequel to the 2000 film Erin Brockovich.At long last, the wait is over-my script for Erin Brockovich 2: A Kiss Of Chromium is officially complete!" [...]The post George R.R. Martin Finally Finishes Writing Sequel To Erin Brockovich' appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6Z9VC)
With warm wood paneling and a kitchen full of character actors looking for work, you won't find a more charming home for entertaining. Reference #62342The post Full Of Character Actors appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6Z9VB)
Lillian Canfield passed away at 89. She is survived by one son, three grandchildren, and a thriving maggot population.The post Lillian Canfield appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6Z9VA)
AOL has officially announced it will discontinue its dial-up Internet service after more than three decades, ending support for the technology synonymous with the early days of the internet. What do you think?The post AOL To Discontinue Dial-Up Internet appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6Z91M)
WASHINGTON-Claiming the luminous potion would make the nation strong and vigorous, Health and Human Services Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. issued an order Friday directing all Americans to drink a mysterious glowing liquid.In order to end the chronic disease epidemic in this country, it is imperative that every man, woman, and child take a large [...]The post RFK Jr. Mandates All Americans Drink Mysterious Glowing Liquid appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6Z91K)
REDWOOD CITY, CA-Arguing that this was, in fact, the most responsible thing he could do given how expensive poultry products had become, your dumbest friend, 43-year-old Jared Welty, told reporters Friday he'd just bought 20 chickens.Okay, so I read up on it, and I realized it would be completely crazy for me not to go [...]The post Dumbest Friend Just Bought 20 Chickens appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6Z91J)
Fusco married Demers in a beautiful ceremony Sunday, so the state kicked her off the medical assistance program that made her cancer treatments affordable.The post Andrea Fusco And Glenn Demers appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6Z91H)
The post Stepchild Asked To Take Family Picture appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6Z91G)
The National Park Service will restore the toppled statue of Confederate General Albert Pike in Washington, D.C., despite local leaders calling for its permanent removal. What do you think?The post Confederate Statue Toppled During Black Lives Matter Protest Reinstalled appeared first on The Onion.