The Onion

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LOS ANGELES-Crediting the singer for sharing her unique expertise,actor Ryan Gosling told reporters Friday the story of how he prepared for his role in Project Hail Mary by consulting Katy Perry. Katy was a tremendous help on set-I couldn't have played Dr. Ryland Grace without her," said the 45-year-old actor, who confirmed that the singer [...]The post Ryan Gosling Recalls Preparing For Project Hail Mary' By Consulting Katy Perry appeared first on The Onion.

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CHICAGO-Sources confirmed Thursday that more than two dozen employees of logistics company LQR Freight had reluctantly agreed to participate in their office's March Madness pool, thus marking their single annual interaction with one another. Mike was in the kitchen handing everyone printouts, and it was the first time we'd spoken since I told him I [...]The post Office NCAA Bracket Marks Yearly Interaction With Coworkers appeared first on The Onion.

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WASHINGTON-Hailing the Midwestern school as one of the best places to pursue and then abandon an undergraduate education, U.S. News & World Report announced Thursday that it had selected the University of Toledo as the best college to attend for a semester before dropping out to do hair for a living. For students who take [...]The post University Of Toledo Named Best College To Attend For Semester Before Dropping Out To Do Hair appeared first on The Onion.

PASADENA, CA-In what many have hailed as a groundbreaking discovery in the field of genetics, scientists at the California Institute of Technology published a study Thursday revealing that up to 93% of American baby boomers were fathered by a single virile milkman. Our extensive DNA analysis shows that one hyper-fertile dairy deliveryman going about his [...]The post Study: 93% Of Baby Boomers Fathered By Single Virile Milkman appeared first on The Onion.

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Ryan Gosling stars in Project Hail Mary, an adaptation of the popular sci-fi novel by Andy Weir. The Onion shares everything you need to know about the film. Q: Who does Ryan Gosling play? A: Ryland Grace, an eighth grade science teacher somehow still determined to save humanity despite having spent decades surrounded by middle [...]The post What To Know About Project Hail Mary' appeared first on The Onion.

U.S. Circuit Judge Pauline Newman, the oldest active federal judge at 98 years old, asked the Supreme Court to step in after being suspended by colleagues over concerns about her mental acuity. What do you think?The post 98-Year-Old Federal Judge Appeals Suspension For Mental Fitness appeared first on The Onion.

MILWAUKEE-Dashing his hopes of taking on the new opportunity, local job applicant Mark McCarthy was reportedly informed by email Wednesday that the role of pig boy had already been filled. While we appreciate your obvious skill at eating up slop and rolling around in the mud on your fat, pink belly, we have moved forward [...]The post Job Applicant Informed Role Of Pig Boy Has Been Filled appeared first on The Onion.

While leading OpenAI, Sam Altman has weathered leaked internal memos, an attempt to oust him as CEO, and widespread skepticism about artificial intelligence's role in society. The Onion sat down with the entrepreneur to hear his vision for the technology's future. The Onion: Good morning, Sam. How are you doing today?Altman: Certainly! Here are some [...]The post The Onion's Exclusive Interview With Sam Altman appeared first on The Onion.

THE HEAVENS-Expressing frustration with the sky-rise apartment complex going up right outside His celestial home, God Almighty, Supreme Leader of the Universe, confirmed Wednesday that He was angry about the new construction blocking His view of creation. I worked hard to have a Heavenly Kingdom from which I can gaze down upon all the beasts [...]The post God Angry After New Construction Blocks View Of Creation appeared first on The Onion.

About 3,800 workers at one of the nation's largest meatpacking plants began striking in Colorado, the first walkout at a U.S. beef slaughterhouse in four decades, with the work stoppage following accusations that the company retaliated against employees and committed other unfair labor practices during contract negotiations. What do you think?The post 3,800 Workers Strike At Massive Meatpacking Plant appeared first on The Onion.

LOS ANGELES-Claiming it was the only place he wanted to go after receiving one of Hollywood's highest honors, Academy Award winner for Best Live Action Short Film Jack Piatt celebrated Tuesday by taking his Oscar to his In-N-Out shift. When I heard our film get called, there was no question in my mind-I was going [...]The post Live Action Short Film Winner Celebrates By Taking Oscar To In-N-Out Shift appeared first on The Onion.

PIKEVILLE, KY-Speculating that a new path in life might improve his job prospects, unemployed man Ian Hampel, 36, told reporters Tuesday that he was considering going back to school to become an AI. I can see the writing on the wall: If I want to stay relevant in the workforce, I'm going to need to [...]The post Unemployed Man Considers Going Back To School To Become AI appeared first on The Onion.

DALLAS-Saying the decision had been reached following an extensive internal review of the company's boarding procedures, Southwest Airlines confirmed Tuesday that passengers would now be assigned chores ahead of time. There has always been a degree of chaos around passengers having to choose right as they're boarding how they're going to help keep the plane [...]The post Southwest Airlines Begins Assigning Chores appeared first on The Onion.

BURLINGTON, VT-Voicing appreciation for the fact that the boy's morbid obsession was at least getting him to read, local mom Hana Garrett confirmed Tuesday that everything her son Ethan got at the school book fair was about medieval torture again. Well, that's another $70 haul of books about breaking convicts on the wheel and dislocating [...]The post Everything Son Got At School Book Fair About Medieval Torture Again appeared first on The Onion.

QUANTICO, VA-Wincing as the bureau's director breathlessly staggered to his feet during their first training seminar with professional MMA athletes, a group of FBI agents reportedly watched in silence over the weekend as Kash Patel got his ass kicked by a UFC fighter. According to sources, the agents shifted uncomfortably on the sidelines of a [...]The post FBI Agents Watch In Silence As Kash Patel Gets Ass Kicked By UFC Fighter appeared first on The Onion.

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Jeremy Stark, 48, passed away Thursday following a long battle with God.The post Jeremy Stark appeared first on The Onion.

LEAWOOD, KS-Groaning at the thought of having to be somewhere on the weekend,TravisKelce was reportedly feeling bummed Monday after he learned fianceeTaylor Swifthad signedhimupfor theNFLagain. She says sticking with it will teach me responsibility and discipline, but I know what she really wants is to just get me out of the house," said the 36-year-old [...]The post Travis Kelce Bummed Fiancee Signed Him Up For NFL Again appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-In a bid to regain access to the sea passage through which ships enter the Persian Gulf, President Donald Trump ordered staff to get the King of Hormuz on the line, White House sources confirmed Monday. Put me on with the royal leader of Hormuz, ASAP-I need to convince him to reopen his water," said [...]The post Trump Demands Staff Get King Of Hormuz On Line appeared first on The Onion.

HIDDEN HILLS, CA-Expressing her steadfast devotion to the Hollywood star, media personality Kylie Jenner was gushing to reporters Monday over her partner, Michael B. Jordan. He's handsome, he's talented, and he's great with my kids," said the 28-year-old Jenner, who described the connection she had with theSinnersstar as unbreakable" and unmatched." Celebrating his Oscar win [...]The post Kylie Jenner Gushes Over Partner Michael B. Jordan appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Alarmed at the shocking lapse in protocol that nearly resulted in disaster, a shaken President Donald Trump ordered his security presence beefed up Monday following a frighteningly close brush with JD Vance. How's a guy like that even allowed to enter the same building as me, let alone get within handshaking distance?" said Trump, adding [...]The post Trump Beefs Up Security Presence After Frighteningly Close Brush With JD Vance appeared first on The Onion.

Originally a Catholic feast day for the patron saint of Ireland, St. Patrick's Day has evolved into a global celebration of Irish heritage and culture. The Onion presents a historical timeline of the holiday. 432 A.D. St. Patrick kicks all the snakes out of Ireland for failing to meet the three-drink minimum. 521 St. Brigid [...]The post History Of St. Patrick's Day appeared first on The Onion.

KALISPELL, MT-Presenting a united front in their carefully timed effort, friends and coworkers announced plans Monday to gang up on local depressed man Alberto Rivas right when he felt at his worst. We're all coordinating with each other to ensure that at the precise moment he thinks he's hit rock bottom, things actually get even [...]The post Friends, Coworkers Announce Plan To Gang Up On Depressed Man Right When He Feels Worst appeared first on The Onion.

GREENVILLE, NC-Touting the contest as his most exciting competition to date, internet personality Jimmy MrBeast" Donaldson reportedly offered $50,000 Monday to anyone who could survive seeing what lies beneath his mask. I have an awesome new challenge today for anyone who can peek under my face and behold my true form without perishing," said the [...]The post MrBeast Offers $50,000 To Anyone Who Can Survive Seeing What Lies Beneath His Mask appeared first on The Onion.

Every year, dozens are killed and many more injured in the avalanches that surge down mountains nationwide. Here's ways to avoid an untimely death by snow. Check God's Wrath Level Before Heading Out: If forecasts indicate He's angry with you, it's best to stay in. Get Ready: To help ensure you are prepared, try getting [...]The post How To Survive An Avalanche appeared first on The Onion.

In Kansas, 1,700 residents had their driver's licenses invalidated for being transgender, with the law also invalidating birth certificates for those who updated their gender markers. What do you think?The post Kansas Revokes 1,700 Licenses For Being Transgender appeared first on The Onion.

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LOS ANGELES-Waving his arms wildly over his head and yelling as part of an apparent effort to attract attention, actor Joel Edgerton was reportedly going nuts Sunday in hopes of getting on the Academy Awards jumbotron. Over here, over here!" said the 51-year-oldTrain Dreamsstar, who leapt from his seat and cried out upon spotting a [...]The post Joel Edgerton Going Nuts In Hopes Of Getting On Oscars Jumbotron appeared first on The Onion.

A survey from West Health-Gallup found that nearly one in 10 adults say they've postponed retirement because of healthcare costs, with many respondents also reporting delaying job changes, home buying, or having a child. What do you think?The post Poll: Nearly 1 In 10 Adults Have Postponed Retirement Due To Healthcare Costs appeared first on The Onion.

The British Parliament voted to end centuries of political tradition by removing hereditary aristocrats from its unelected House of Lords, ousting dozens of dukes, earls, and viscounts who inherited their seats along with their aristocratic titles. What do you think?The post Britain Ejects Hereditary Nobles From Parliament After 700 Years appeared first on The Onion.

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Uber launched a feature that allows both women riders and drivers across the U.S. to be exclusively matched with other women for trips, expanding a pilot program intended to address safety concerns. What do you think?The post Uber Introduces Women-Only Option Nationwide appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Further fueling speculation that the commander-in-chief might have undisclosed medical conditions, rumors regarding President Trump's health swirled Friday after he screamed, Fuck! I'm dying!" during a press conference. Fuck! I'm fucking dying! Oh God, it hurts! Ahhhhhhh!" Trump said in response to a question about the ongoing war in Iran, sparking fervent discussion among Beltway [...]The post Health Speculations Swirl After Trump Screams, Fuck! I'm Dying!' appeared first on The Onion.

The 98th Academy Awards will take place March 15 at the Dolby Theater. The Onion examines the 10 contenders in this year's Best Picture race. Bugonia Synopsis: A conspiracy theorist attempts to uncover a CEO's sinister plot that is oddly devoid of pedophiles. Defining Line: Prepare to be bald, idiot!" Prospects: Slim, but they said [...]The post The Onion's 2026 Oscars Best Picture Guide appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Whimpering at the butter knife clutched in his brother's hand, a wincing Donald Trump Jr. reportedly shouted Do it!" Wednesday as he and Eric Trump prepared to cut off their hair to avoid a U.S. military draft. Come on, Eric, do it quick, before I change my mind," said Donald Jr., who squeezed his eyes [...]The post Do It!' Shout Wincing Trump Boys Cutting Off Hair To Avoid Draft appeared first on The Onion.

MONTREAL-Admitting that he initially felt a little shy about storing his toiletries there, former Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau told reporters Friday that he was finally comfortable enough to keep an extra jar of his brown face paint at girlfriend Katy Perry's house. Things have gotten pretty serious between us, and having my own race [...]The post Justin Trudeau Finally Comfortable Enough To Keep Brown Face Paint At Katy Perry's appeared first on The Onion.

James Talarico is the Democratic nominee for U.S. Senate in Texas. The Onion shares everything you need to know about the rising star. Age: Whippersnapper Inspirational Backstory: Survived several hours talking to Joe Rogan Religion: Oh yeah, lots of that Key Endorsements: God (Presbyterian), God (Catholic), God (Jewish), and God (Sikh) Level On Grant-Rogers Folksiness [...]The post Political Profile: James Talarico appeared first on The Onion.

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You bring a bunch of kittens into this world, you gotta do what's right.The post Oreo and Binx appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-In a heated exchange that laid bare a growing schism at the highest levels of Republican leadership, President Donald Trump and Sen. Mitch McConnell (R-KY) reportedly clashed in the Oval Office Thursday over the question of where they were, with McConnell insisting they were at church and Trump maintaining with increasing irritation that they were [...]The post Trump, Mitch McConnell Clash In Oval Office Over Where They Are appeared first on The Onion.