The Onion

GENEVA-In an effort to codify parental oversight for underage troops, a new Geneva Convention adopted Thursday reportedly allowed for the use of child soldiers with a signed permission slip from a legal guardian. This landmark treaty expressly forbids minors from enlisting in combat roles unless sanctioned by their parent or guardian," said International Committee of [...]The post New Geneva Convention Allows Use Of Child Soldiers With Signed Permission Slip appeared first on The Onion.

ORLANDO, FL-In what eyewitnesses described as a deeply disturbing and totally unhinged interaction, a Disney World Donald Duck reportedly warned a terrified child Thursday that he was once a normal little boy. I may look like a silly anthropomorphic duck, but I was once a child just like you," said the Donald Duck character, claiming [...]The post I Was Once A Normal Little Boy Like You,' Disney World Donald Duck Warns Terrified Child appeared first on The Onion.

Influencers Andrew and Tristan Tate were arrested in Florida on rape and sex trafficking charges and now face potential extradition to the U.K. What do you think?The post Tate Brothers Arrested In Florida appeared first on The Onion.

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BOSTON-Struggling to come to grips with the unreasonable demands, local man Gerald Ullman told reporters Wednesday that his overbearing girlfriend was expecting him to take the feelings in his head and use words to say them into the world. I just don't get what she means when she says I should use my mouth to [...]The post Overbearing Girlfriend Expects Man To Take Feelings In Head, Use Words To Say Them Into World appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Responding to repeated complaints about the smell and the difficulty of reheating lunch while the U.S. Cabinet member was still rotating inside the appliance, Department of Health and Human Services staffers reportedly had to remind Robert F. Kennedy Jr. not to microwave himself in the office kitchen. This is a shared space, and it's upsetting [...]The post RFK Jr. Reminded Not To Microwave Himself In Office Kitchen appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Touting the new line of currency as an important way to recognize the many babes bagged by the commander-in-chief over the years, the U.S. Mint announced plans Wednesday to release a series of gold coins commemorating President Donald Trump's extramarital affairs. These coins will allow Americans to celebrate their nation's semiquincentennial by collecting 50 of [...]The post U.S. Mint Unveils Series Of Gold Coins Commemorating President's Extramarital Affairs appeared first on The Onion.

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A Pew study found that China was viewed more favorably than America among the 36 countries surveyed, reporting 46% and 36% favorability respectively. What do you think?The post China Viewed More Favorably Than U.S. appeared first on The Onion.

SANTA FE, NM-Grunting with exertion as he hauled the weighty volume out of his satchel,author George R.R. Martin was seen Tuesday handing his agent an unsolicited, 4,000-page manuscript titled Tuba Man, Scuba Man." Hey, remember that idea I had about a big band leader using atubaas a diving bell to bring jazz to an underwater [...]The post George R.R. Martin Hands Agent Unsolicited, 4,000-Page Manuscript Titled Tuba Man, Scuba Man' appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Apologizing to his fellow congressmen after he fumbled the wooden handle for the fifth time in a row, Speaker of the House Mike Johnson was observed struggling to hold his speaker gavel Tuesday while wearing anti-masturbation mitts. The House will come to order-oops, hold on, one minute," said the Louisiana Republican, appearing to perspire heavily [...]The post Mike Johnson Struggles To Hold Speaker Gavel While Wearing Anti-Masturbation Mitts appeared first on The Onion.

EAU CLAIRE, WI-Staring down at his dampened shirt with a mixture of anger and stunned disbelief, local man Frank Buchwald was reportedly acting like he was never going to be dry again after he got hit by a sprinkler Tuesday. Buchwald, who was described by friends and colleagues as an otherwise sane and rational person, [...]The post Man Angry He Got Hit By Sprinkler Acting Like He's Never Going To Be Dry Again appeared first on The Onion.

BLASKOGABYGGD, ICELAND-Expressing regret that the interruption would delay the highly anticipated video game adaptation, the producers of A24's upcoming Elden Ring film announced Tuesday that the project had stalled after a red phantom named TwinkPunisher invaded the set. Despite our security team's best efforts, a loincloth-wearing invader with the handle TwinkPunisher was able to gain [...]The post A24's Elden Ring' Film Stalled After Red Phantom Named TwinkPunisher Invades Set appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Dazed while trying to piece together the series of bizarre yet deeply vivid images,the entire nation reportedly awoke Monday from a strange dream in which it had been watching soccer. I wasn't just willingly viewing it, I actually cared who won, andI was tuning in right here in the United Statesinstead of watching it in [...]The post Nation Wakes Up From Strange Dream Where They Were Watching Soccer appeared first on The Onion.

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MIAMI-Confined to a federal detention center in Florida and facing extradition to the U.K. on multiple charges of human trafficking and rape, social media influencer Andrew Tate was reportedly heard to exclaim, No bars can hold me!" this weekend as he entered his ninth consecutive hour of trying to pry open his cell. Prison is [...]The post No Bars Can Hold Me,' Says Andrew Tate Entering 9th Hour Of Trying To Pry Open Cell appeared first on The Onion.

PITTSBURGH-Attempting to soften the blow with a promise to go out for ice cream later, local parents Dylan and Olivia Barnes reportedly sat their children down Monday for a difficult discussion about moving to the ad tier. I know change is hard, but Mommy and Daddy had a long and serious talk, and we think [...]The post Parents Sit Kids Down For Difficult Discussion About Moving To Ad Tier appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Vehemently defending his controversial closed-eye moments, President Donald Trump insisted Monday that his frequent naps were necessary to protect U.S. interests in Dreamland. It may be hard to tell from where you're sitting, but trust me, I'm not taking it easy in Dreamland," said the 80-year-old Trump, who lashed out at reporters for asking questions [...]The post Trump Insists Frequent Naps Necessary To Protect U.S. Interests In Dreamland appeared first on The Onion.

ITHACA, NY-Concluding that Americans were being forced to endure huge stretches of the year without any obvious social pretext for serving warm bread, a new study published Monday by researchers at Cornell University found there simply aren't enough occasions where you get to eat rolls. Our data shows that the vast majority of people would [...]The post Study Finds There Aren't Enough Occasions Where You Get To Eat Rolls appeared first on The Onion.

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Amid concerns over a $1.8 billion fund to compensate Jan. 6 rioters and his handling of the Epstein files, acting Attorney General Todd Blanche faces an uphill confirmation battle for the permanent job. The Onion shares everything you need to know about the Trump nominee. Current Position: The most available one Legal Field: Crony law [...]The post Political Profile: Todd Blanche appeared first on The Onion.

DAYTON, OH-Jeering that the other man's chiseled physique would offer little aid in their upcoming confrontation, local intellectual Kenneth Dufresne reportedly challenged his wife's muscular sidepiece to a battle of wits Friday. Your hypertrophied pectorals may have momentarily swayed Veronica from the path of marital fidelity, but let's see how you fare when not your [...]The post Wife's Muscular Sidepiece Challenged To Battle Of Wits appeared first on The Onion.

KANSAS CITY, MO-Audibly groaning as everyone around him rose to their feet, local baseball fan Mark Girma told reporters Friday that he resented a fourth-inning home run for making him pause eating so he could clap. Oh, for Christ's sake, now?" said Girma, who had reportedly just squeezed his way down his row following a [...]The post Man Resents Home Run For Making Him Pause Eating, Clap appeared first on The Onion.

LOS ANGELES-Bursting through the stall door with a baseball bat hoisted over his head, director Christopher Nolan reportedly confronted moviegoer Luke Dias on Friday for using the bathroom during The Odyssey. You just couldn't hold it, could you?" the Oscar-winning filmmaker said as he kicked his victim off the toilet seat and delivered a violent [...]The post Bat-Wielding Christopher Nolan Confronts Man Using Bathroom During The Odyssey' appeared first on The Onion.

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A recent poll found that Americans who are concerned about artificial intelligence outnumber those who are excited about it by a margin of three to one. The Onion examines the common myths and facts surrounding AI. MYTH: AI can never be ethical. FACT: Grok says it can. MYTH: AI could discover cures for all diseases. [...]The post AI: Myth Vs. Fact appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Explaining that the public had no reason to be alarmed over his temporary leave, Sen. Mitch McConnell (R-KY) clarified Friday that his absence from Congress was due to a brief planned trip to the afterlife. While I understand people's concern, I've simply been on a routine visit to the next world," said the seven-term Republican, [...]The post Mitch McConnell Clarifies Absence Due To Brief Planned Trip To Afterlife appeared first on The Onion.

An Argentine court recognized two goldfish rescued from a sushi restaurant aquarium in Buenos Aires as sentient beings with legal rights, marking a major milestone for animal welfare. What do you think?The post Argentina Recognizes Goldfish As Sentient Beings With Rights appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Acknowledging that the danger would be difficult to manage and impossible to eliminate altogether, theSupreme Court's female justices nevertheless appeared before Congress this week to ask for protection from fellow justice Brett Kavanaugh. We understand that our safety cannot be guaranteed, but we are in a uniquely vulnerable position and have the right to carry [...]The post Female Supreme Court Justices Formally Request Protection From Brett Kavanaugh appeared first on The Onion.

GAINESVILLE, FL-Alarmed and disturbed by the sudden shift in tone, living room sources confirmed Thursday that local mother Jeanine Weaver's remembrance of Sam Neill had taken a lewd turn. He was a terrific actor, one of my favorites to watch-and mm, mm, what a man he was," said the 62-year-old woman who got a faraway [...]The post Mom's Remembrance Of Sam Neill Takes Lewd Turn appeared first on The Onion.

ATLANTA-Claiming they had definitively identified the source of the ongoing surge in foodborne illness, Centers for Disease Control officials issued a statement Thursday linking the nation's cyclosporiasis outbreak to an ancient evil corrupting the Seven Sacred Diarrhea Crystals. After extensive laboratory testing and data analysis, our epidemiologists have determined that the current outbreak of cyclospora [...]The post Cyclosporiasis Outbreak Linked To Ancient Evil Corrupting The 7 Sacred Diarrhea Crystals appeared first on The Onion.

Cases of cyclosporiasis, a parasitic infection that can cause explosive diarrhea," have been reported in at least 34 states. The Onion shares everything you need to know about the illness. Q: Who is most at risk? A: Children, the elderly, and poor fuckers who've already used all their sick days. Q: Why is it called [...]The post What To Know About Cyclosporiasis appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-In an emotional press conference driven by fear and desperation, the American public begged Sen. Mitch McConnell (R-KY) on Thursday to stop releasing photos of himself. If you're listening, Sen. McConnell, please-we've had enough," said a spokesperson for 340 million Americans across the country, who emphasized that they didn't want to see the Republican lawmaker [...]The post Public Begs Mitch McConnell To Stop Releasing Photos Of Himself appeared first on The Onion.

LOS ANGELES-Bunching together with nervous energy and dolled up in matching gear, a group of riot police crouched excitedly behind an armored vehicle like 3-year-olds about to begin a ballet recital, witnesses confirmed Thursday. Several reports indicated that the squad of body-armor-clad men giggled and poked at each other in anticipation of their signal to [...]The post Riot Police Excitedly Crouch Behind Armored Vehicle Like Group Of 3-Year-Olds About To Perform Ballet appeared first on The Onion.

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Secretary of State Marco Rubio announced a U.S. diplomatic campaign to dismantle the International Criminal Court brick by brick," claiming the tribunal could be used to override U.S. courts and the Constitution. What do you think?The post Rubio Vows To Dismantle International Criminal Court appeared first on The Onion.

PARIS-In an effort to blend in with other tourists and avoid negative repercussions for being American, former U.S. President Barack Obama was reportedly pretending this week to be Canadian while traveling abroad in France. Sorry, when I said I'm from Chicago, I meant the one in Ontario," said the ex-commander-in-chief, adding that he had never [...]The post Barack Obama Pretends To Be Canadian While Traveling Abroad appeared first on The Onion.

BERKELEY, CA-Raising the alarm about an issue that could have long-term consequences for American youth, researchers at the University of California, Berkeley, published a study Wednesday that found the majority of Generation Z telepaths lacked the attention span to read even a single mind. In prior generations, telepaths would spend whole afternoons scrutinizing another person's [...]The post Study Finds Gen Z Telepaths Lack Attention Span To Read Even Single Mind appeared first on The Onion.

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CHICAGO-Watching in horror as the wheezing man hacked directly into his palm before grabbing the nearest handrail, local bus passenger Derek Lawson told reporters Thursday that the guy violently coughing across the aisle from him better just have throat cancer. So help me God, if I get bronchitis right before my vacation because this guy [...]The post Guy Violently Coughing On Bus Better Just Have Throat Cancer appeared first on The Onion.

BROOKLYN, NY-Explaining that the prominent iced coffees and chocolate-glazed Munchkins were essential to director Christopher Nolan's adaptation of the ancient Greek epic, actor Matt Damon defended Tuesday the placement of Dunkin' Donuts products in the upcoming film The Odyssey.Look-for a voyage that long, you'd need 50 sausage, egg, and cheese croissants, at least," said the [...]The post Matt Damon Defends Dunkin' Product Placement In Nolan's Odyssey' appeared first on The Onion.

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LOS ANGELES-Touting his commitment to authentic visual effects, filmmaker Christopher Nolan revealed Tuesday that he built a fully practical Tom Holland for his latest film, The Odyssey. When you see Telemachus standing on the terrace overlooking Ithaca, you'll say, That's got to be CGI'-but I can assure you, that's bona fide Tom Holland," said Nolan, [...]The post Christopher Nolan Recalls Building Fully Practical Tom Holland For The Odyssey' appeared first on The Onion.

LAS VEGAS-Expressing frustration after interacting with the unsightly couple during his first few minutes in the world, local newborn Charles Charlie" Womack could reportedly already tell Tuesday that his parents' genetics were not going to do him any favors. Oh boy, looks like I'm gonna have to put all my eggs in the personality basket," [...]The post Newborn Baby Can Already Tell Parents' Genetics Not Going To Do Him Any Favors appeared first on The Onion.