The Onion

The post No One At Bar Aware World Cup Game Rerun From 2018 appeared first on The Onion.

NEW YORK-Telling everyone to count down as she turned to her colleague, actress Lea Michele reportedly showed off her ability to make her co-star cry on command Friday. Watch, I'll make his distress authentic by pulling from his personal traumatic experiences," said the 39-year-old singer and former Glee star, who brought the rehearsal of her [...]The post Lea Michele Shows Off Ability To Make Co-Star Cry On Command appeared first on The Onion.

SAN JOSE, CA-Grimacing as he delved deeper into the article, local man Carter Lee reportedly found himself souring on the Islamic State of Iraq and Syria on Monday after reading the Controversies" section of the militant group's Wikipedia page. Holy shit-ISIS does what to unbelievers?" said Lee, recoiling in horror as he viewed a blurred-out [...]The post Man Souring On ISIS After Reading Controversies' Section Of Militant Group's Wikipedia appeared first on The Onion.

CHICAGO-Telling staff never to click on any suspicious communications with blurred purple images, McDonald's officials reportedly warned corporate employees Friday to beware any emails from senders purporting to be Grimace. Grimace will never ask you for your credit card number, social security card, or blood type, so please do not follow any dubious links no [...]The post McDonald's Warns Corporate Employees To Beware Emails From Sender Purporting To Be Grimace appeared first on The Onion.

After more than a decade of planning, the Barack Obama Presidential Center will open on June 19, 2026, in Chicago's Jackson Park, offering access to communal gathering spaces, an urban park, and historic archives. Here, The Onion explores the key facts and figures behind the iconic new attraction. 300 Hidden Michelles' for eagle-eyed visitors to [...]The post The Obama Presidential Center By The Numbers appeared first on The Onion.

The post PGA Announces All Caddies Must Be Leashed appeared first on The Onion.

President Trump invoked the Defense Production Act to jumpstart the manufacture of munitions, an attempt to replenish weapon stockpiles that have been severely depleted in America's war with Iran. What do you think?The post Trump Invokes Defense Production Act To Boost Weapons Manufacturing appeared first on The Onion.

A flesh-eating fly known as New World screwworm has been found in livestock in Texas. Here's everything you need to know about the parasitic pest. Q: What is our government doing about screwworm? A: They are currently negotiating with the highest-ranking screwworm representatives. Q: Is this why my burger costs $25? A: No, that's because [...]The post What To Know About Screwworm appeared first on The Onion.

EVIAN-LES-BAINS, FRANCE-Claiming their failure to help America would now leave the nations incredibly vulnerable to the danger of shotgun carousels, President Donald Trump warned the G7 summit this week that the U.S. will no longer protect them from the threat of the serial killer Jigsaw. We asked you all for support, and you didn't listen, [...]The post Trump Warns U.S. Will No Longer Protect G7 From Threat Of Jigsaw appeared first on The Onion.

The post New York City Mayor Presents Knicks With Key To His Car appeared first on The Onion.

The post OG Anunoby Sends Parade Crowd Into Frenzy With Celebratory Nod appeared first on The Onion.

The post Millions Of New Yorkers Show Up To Celebrate Plucky Underdog James Dolan appeared first on The Onion.

Millions of LBGTQ+ Americans and allies will march, cheer, and celebrate at Pride events this weekend. The Onion looks at the key facts and figures behind Pride. 120,000% Increase in monthly nipple tassel sales from May to June 16.3 mph Top speed of Pride parade float when hunting 294 Moms who are trying to be [...]The post Pride By The Numbers appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Hailing the exclusive gathering as an opportunity to usher in an era of peace and goodwill,Health Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. hosted a lively meet-and-greet Thursday with a variety of the world's infectious diseases. In the spirit of friendship and mutual understanding, the United States is proud to welcome some of the most contagious bacteria [...]The post RFK Jr. Hosts Meet-And-Greet With Infectious Diseases appeared first on The Onion.

ST. LOUIS-Immediately ruining decades of graceful maneuvering to avoid discussion of the specific details of her upbringing, area woman Marissa Allen's accidental mention of her guest house Thursday reportedly blew years of subterfuge to conceal her family's wealth from friends. No, no, it's really more of a pool house, actually," said Allen, unsuccessfully attempting to [...]The post Accidental Mention Of Guest House Blows Years Of Subterfuge To Conceal Family's Wealth From Friends appeared first on The Onion.

The Food and Drug Administration approved bemotrizinol, the first new sunscreen ingredient to be permitted since 1999, bringing the U.S. closer to other countries who have allowed the UV-blocking compound for decades. What do you think?The post FDA Approves First New Sunscreen Ingredient In Over 25 Years appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Patting themselves on the back for seeing a film that was neither a sequel nor a prequel, the U.S. populace announced Wednesday that they were proud of themselves for watching and enjoying an original movie. Learning the names of characters I'd never heard of before wasn't easy, but ultimately I'm glad I did my part [...]The post Nation Proud Of Self For Watching, Enjoying Original Movie appeared first on The Onion.

DALLAS-In a bold risk that strayed from her usual habits, local woman Emily Lentz reportedly dove headfirst into a thrilling adventure Wednesday by blindly purchasing a different apple variety. What crazy times might this Cosmic Crisp have in store for me? I choose to accept its enigmatic offer with open arms," said Lentz, noting that [...]The post Woman Dives Headfirst Into Thrilling Adventure By Blindly Purchasing Different Apple Variety appeared first on The Onion.

NEW YORK-At last providing a definitive answer to fans' endless speculation, Sopranos creator and executive producer David Chase confirmed Tuesday that Tony Soprano died at the end of every episode in the series.People have been asking me for a clear answer for a long, long time, so here it is: Yes, all 86 episodes of [...]The post David Chase Confirms Tony Soprano Died At End Of Every Episode appeared first on The Onion.

It'll take a lot more than the death of Fran Stephens, 50, to trigger a recall of ground beef.The post Fran Stephens appeared first on The Onion.

The post Area Child's Drawing Of Family Raises Troubling Questions About Size Of Dad appeared first on The Onion.

The post Mikal Bridges Wakes Up From 4-Day Bender Next To Dead Jimmy Fallon appeared first on The Onion.

AMARILLO, TX-Expressing astonishment over the unorthodox combination of the two distinct cuisines, local customers described the remarkable culinary innovation they experienced Thursday at the grand opening of a daring new fusion restaurant that mixes Texan and Mexican flavors. It sounds kind of gimmicky, but somehow the flavors work together," said local resident Harrison Peters, who [...]The post Daring Fusion Restaurant Mixes Texan, Mexican Flavors appeared first on The Onion.

COLUMBIA, MO-Surveying a wide cross section of Americans aged 18 to 24, a new study published Tuesday by researchers at the University of Missouri found that more Americans were foregoing college in favor of letting the carnival sort them out. In a dire job market like this, it doesn't make sense to spend tens of [...]The post Study: More Americans Foregoing College In Favor Of Letting The Carnival Sort Them Out appeared first on The Onion.

CHICAGO-Anticipating the announcement would rank among the biggest scoops of his career, ESPN senior NBA insider Shams Charania is said to have casually mentioned to his colleagues Tuesday that he was really looking forward to breaking the news of Michael Jordan's eventual death. When MJ dies, I'll be right there with a breaking news' post [...]The post Shams Charania Casually Tells Colleagues He Really Looking Forward To Breaking Michael Jordan's Death appeared first on The Onion.

The post Elderly Man Uses Library To Print Out Pornography appeared first on The Onion.

New Education Department data found a double-digit decline in the number of school-aged children who read for fun almost every day, with the share of 13-year-olds who regularly read for pleasure down almost half since 2012. What do you think?The post Study: Reading For Fun Down Among Schoolchildren appeared first on The Onion.

Singer-songwriter Olivia Rodrigo has released her highly anticipated third studio album, You Seem Pretty Sad For A Girl So In Love. Here's everything you need to know about the artist. Age: 24-year-old Gen Xer Hobbies: Music Signature Look: Scrutinized Fans Call Themselves: Pitchfork staff writers Unreleased Songs Comparing Herself To Sham, The Star Thoroughbred Who [...]The post Artist Profile: Olivia Rodrigo appeared first on The Onion.

LOS ANGELES-Saying a courtesy call would have been nice even if nothing ever came of it, E.T. told reporters Monday he was shocked at not being contacted by director Steven Spielberg for a cameo in his new sci-fi movieDisclosure Day.I knew I wasn't going to be the lead, which was totally fine, but are you [...]The post E.T. Admits Shock At Not Even Being Called For Cameo In Disclosure Day' appeared first on The Onion.

OAKLAND, CA-Stressing that it was never okay to criticize someone's appearance, Ariana Grande fans reportedly took to social media Monday to slam body-shamers for pointing out that the singer was actively on fire. One, she's always been naturally flammable, and two, she's asked people to stop talking about the fire multiple times," said 29-year-old Emma [...]The post Ariana Grande Fans Slam Body-Shamers For Pointing Out Singer Actively On Fire appeared first on The Onion.

The post Back Of Gatorade Bottle Features Recipe For Gatorade Casserole appeared first on The Onion.

NEW YORK-Warning that millions of men aged 35 and older would be left utterly adrift following the traumatic loss, researchers at Columbia University published a study Monday that revealed the majority of middle-aged men in the United States lacked the support network they would need to handle singer-songwriter Neil Young's death. It's deeply concerning that [...]The post Study: Majority Of Middle-Aged Men Lack Support Network They'll Need To Handle Neil Young's Death appeared first on The Onion.

NEW YORK-Condemning the unlawful possession of its property by generations of spectators, Major League Baseball issued a recall Monday of all foul balls that have ever been taken home from its ballparks. These balls belong to Major League Baseball, and we want them back," said MLB commissioner Rob Manfred, stressing that any fan who has [...]The post MLB Demands Return Of All Foul Balls appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Saying they saw no reason to limit any potential agricultural use of the flammable combination of gelling agents and gasoline, officials at the U.S. Environmental Protection Agency approved napalm as a pesticide Friday.Following a thorough review, the EPA has found that napalm, with its ability to burn at temperatures exceeding 2,000 degrees Fahrenheit, is highly [...]The post EPA Approves Use Of Napalm As Pesticide appeared first on The Onion.

ORLANDO, FL-In an effort to attract first-time clientele and bring back old fans, Italian American restaurant chain Olive Garden unveiled its new We Invented Spaghetti" slogan Friday during a call with investors.We want Americans to know that when you're at Olive Garden, you're not just getting a delicious meal at an unbeatable price, you're also [...]The post Olive Garden Unveils New We Invented Spaghetti' Slogan appeared first on The Onion.

CHICAGO-Having confirmed the shocking development with numerous top-level sources, a depressed Shams Charania broke the news Thursday that he has absolutely no one.Per multiple industry insiders, I can confirm that I've driven away everyone who ever cared about me in this world, and now I'm all alone with my miserable self," the dejected, unshaven NBA [...]The post Depressed Shams Charania Breaks Scoop That He Has No One appeared first on The Onion.

Your mother, 67, is fine, but this is just a reminder that she could go at any moment. Give her a call.The post Your Mother appeared first on The Onion.

More than 26 million U.S. children attend summer camp every year. The Onion examines the pros and cons of sending your kids to overnight camp. PRO Opportunity to make friends from different gated communities Forces bed-wetters to get their shit together Grants parents much-needed private arguing time Bee sting EpiPen was going to expire in [...]The post Pros And Cons Of Sleepaway Camp appeared first on The Onion.

NEW YORK-Urging audiences to see his new film on the biggest screen possible, Disclosure Day director Steven Spielberg claimed in an interview Friday that IMAX provided the best way to experience Josh O'Connor's soulful yet vulnerable eyes. In order for you to feel swept away in those deep emerald pools the way I intended, you [...]The post Steven Spielberg Claims IMAX Best Way To Experience Josh O'Connor's Soulful Yet Vulnerable Eyes appeared first on The Onion.

A new paper published by the National Bureau of Economic Research found that the release of the Apple iPhone in 2007 contributed to a decline in the birth rate, especially among teens and young adults. What do you think?The post Study Finds iPhone Lowered Birth Rate appeared first on The Onion.

The post Embarrassed Woman Scrambles To Stop Emotionally Resonating With Movie Before Lights Come On appeared first on The Onion.

The post Nancy Mace Introduces Bill To Separate Gubernatorial Races By Gender appeared first on The Onion.

The post Trump Boys Bulk Up For UFC Fight By Chugging Sour Cream appeared first on The Onion.

LEAWOOD, KS-Remarking that it seemed a tad excessive" to own more than a dozen of the recreational bouncing devices, pop star Taylor Swift reportedly urged fiance Travis Kelce on Thursday to whittle down the number of trampolines on their wedding registry to one.That's a lot of trampolines, babe, and you can really only bounce on [...]The post Taylor Swift Urges Travis Kelce To Whittle Down Trampolines On Registry To One appeared first on The Onion.

NEW YORK-Touting the initiative as a way to bring love for the Orange and Blue to the places that need it most," the New York Mets front office announced Thursday that franchise mascot Mr. Met had embarked on a missionary trip to the Amazon rainforest to spread Mets fandom to the region's uncontacted tribes.As we [...]The post Mr. Met Embarks On Missionary Trip To Spread Mets Fandom To Uncontacted Amazon Tribes appeared first on The Onion.