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The Onion
| Link | https://theonion.com/ |
| Feed | https://www.theonion.com/rss |
| Updated | 2024-11-23 23:15 |
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by The Onion Staff on (#6Q0QV)
SHENZHEN, CHINA-Wandering nude among the hollowed-out foundations where apartment buildings and factories once stood, Chinese citizens reported Friday that their nation had been reduced to a barren wasteland after exporting every last physical object in the country. We turned quite the profit after we sold our car, clothes, furniture, and house-which was shipped as a [...]The post China Reduced To Barren Wasteland After Exporting Every Last Object appeared first on The Onion.
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on (#6PYQX)
Former President Donald Trump's campaign said some internal communications have been hacked, blaming the Iranian government and citing past hostilities between Trump and Iran without providing direct evidence. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6PYQY)
WASHINGTON-Lambasting the Democratic vice presidential candidate across social media platforms, J.D. Vance reportedly accused Minnesota Gov. Tim Walz Tuesday of stolen valor for wearing an apron that said Grill Master." Tim Walz is a liar-he has never attained the rank of grill master," said Vance, attacking Walz...Read more...
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on (#6PYNG)
THE HEAVENS-Sipping on a Diet Coke as He described the mix of alcohol and pills He had lived off of for years, a newly sober God admitted Tuesday that He had no recollection of creating the universe. Everyone tells Me I made light and darkness, sea and sky, but to be honest, I was blacked out for most of that...Read more...
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on (#6PYA3)
CAMBRIDGE, MA-Lending credence to the already widespread theory about the young man you fancy, an imaginary study published Tuesday by Harvard University found that your crush wasn't texting you back because his feelings were so powerful that they frightened him. Our research strongly indicates that the guy who gives...Read more...
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on (#6PXXW)
NEWPORT BEACH, CA-Refuting accusations of stolen valor by claiming his hands were permanently stained with the blood of his enemies, Democratic vice presidential nominee Tim Walz told reporters Monday that he had killed before and would kill again. To those who have attempted to discredit my military record, let me...Read more...
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on (#6PXK0)
Three people have now died in a listeria food-poisoning outbreak linked to Boar's Head deli meats, bringing the overall number of people sickened to 43. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6PVTE)
Despite studies finding that social media may be detrimental to kids' health, many young children and teens spend much of their time on platforms such as TikTok, Instagram, and Snapchat. The Onion examines the pros and cons of letting kids use social media.
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on (#6PS3T)
After a great deal of anticipation, Democratic presidential nominee Kamala Harris picked Minnesota Gov. Tim Walz as her running mate. The Onion takes a look at the former educator and National Guard member's background.Read more...
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on (#6PRY1)
EVANSTON, IL-Fingers trembling as he hurriedly composed a message begging his mom to pick him up from the sleepover, 12-year-old Quentin Matthews was said to be horrified Tuesday by the set of mismatched towels in the bathroom of his friend's modest ranch house. Oh God, Mom, can you come get me? Their towels are all...Read more...
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on (#6PRBM)
MONTPELIER, VT-Making the announcement from the steps of the powerful organization's national headquarters, the Federated Union of Bear Cub Carcass Dumpers endorsed Robert F. Kennedy Jr. for president on Monday. The Federated Union of Bear Cub Carcass Dumpers stands 100% behind Robert F. Kennedy Jr., the only...Read more...
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on (#6PQZE)
WICHITA FALLS, TX-Forgetting partisan battles for a moment amid laughter and shrieks of Don't let it bounce," a bitterly divided U.S. populace came together Monday to keep a beach ball in the air. As much as our differences may seem like they define us, at our core all Americans share a love of not letting this...Read more...
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on (#6PPMP)
Russia, the United States, and several other countries engaged in an extraordinary 24-prisoner exchange, the largest of its kind since the Cold War and one in which President Joe Biden was directly involved. What do you think?Read more...
on (#6PP66)
Former President Trump claimed Vice President Kamala Harris became [...] Black" during a panel at the National Association of Black Journalists' annual convention, saying he didn't know she was Black until a number of years ago." What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6PP5R)
With Project 2025 calling for the criminalization of porn and age-verification laws already on the books in multiple states, The Onion examines the pros and cons of banning pornographic material.
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on (#6PP5S)
CINCINNATI-Describing the deep shame but also freedom that came with finally saying it out loud, supermarket chain Kroger recalled over 2 million packs of lettuce Friday that the company had developed a psychosexual relationship with. We apologize for the inconvenience to our loyal Kroger customers, but this morning,...Read more...
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on (#6PNPX)
Iran's Supreme Leader vowed to seek revenge against Israel for the killing of Hamas' top political leader in a predawn airstrike in the Iranian capital of Tehran, risking escalating the conflict into an all-out regional war. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6PMGD)
ACWORTH, GA-In an effort to prepare for a devastating" outcome, terrified conservative Clayton Hawkins told reporters Wednesday that he was planning to move to 1930s Austria if Donald Trump lost the presidential election. I swear to god, if Kamala Harris wins in November, you can bet I'm getting a one-way ticket to...Read more...
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on (#6PKY3)
President Joe Biden called for sweeping changes to the Supreme Court, including a constitutional amendment that would limit immunity for presidents, impose term limits for justices, and stipulate an enforceable code of ethics. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6PK0V)
WASHINGTON-Providing long-awaited insight into the attempted assassin's mental state, a report released Monday found that gunman Thomas Matthew Crooks googled How to be an enigma" before trying to kill former President Donald Trump. After reviewing the shooter's browser history, we have discovered several searches...Read more...
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on (#6PJV9)
SAN FRANCISCO-Pointing out that most of them don't even own a professional sports team, local billionaire Felix Stacey gave his millionaire friends credit Monday for keeping him humble. It's easy to become out of touch when you have billions and billions of dollars, but I can always count on my millionaire friends to...Read more...
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on (#6PJVA)
NEW YORK-Maintaining his silence in the wake of sudden tragedy, new hire Will Rorke told reporters Monday that he was not yet comfortable enough to mention that he had seen a man die on his way into the office. I wish I knew my coworkers well enough to open up about how I just witnessed a stranger drop dead from a...Read more...
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on (#6PJVB)
HILLSBORO, OR-Lambasting the verdict as cruel" and brash," 3-year-old Ian Tobler reportedly vowed Monday to appeal his parents' decision to keep his newborn baby brother. I am deeply disappointed by my parents' decision to bring Mateo home from the hospital, and I will continue to fight for justice," said Tobler,...Read more...
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on (#6PGMK)
EAST RUTHERFORD, NJ-Insisting repeatedly that they just didn't have the space, physical therapy practice Elite Recovery politely declined New York Giants quarterback Daniel Jones' offer Friday of a framed and signed game-worn jersey for the wall. That's so nice of you, and we wish we could put it up, but...Read more...
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on (#6PDYH)
WASHINGTON-Doing her best to appear elated while a large, throbbing vein protruded from her forehead, former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton said she was really, really, really happy' for Vice President Kamala Harris as she shook the presumptive Democratic nominee's hand and refused to let go of it. So, so, so...Read more...
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on (#6PDPV)
BALTIMORE-Aiming to raise awareness of the sexually transmitted disease, a new study published Tuesday by the University of Maryland School of Medicine revealed that nearly 14% of college freshmen will contract human papillomavirus by the end of their campus tour. New data shows a staggering number of incoming...Read more...
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on (#6PDPW)
WASHINGTON-A new report published Tuesday by the Pew Research Center found that 78% of Americans were too distracted by politics to appreciate the summer Glen Powell is having. Between the attempted assassination of one party's presidential candidate and a last-minute replacement of the other, more than three...Read more...
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on (#6PDPX)
SAUSALITO, CA-Stressing that she had done everything in her power to avoid medical intervention, local vet Dr. Anita Kaiser, DMV reportedly told a French bulldog Tuesday that she had bad news about her natural birth. While I know it can be hard for dogs of your breed to hear, unfortunately, centuries of inbreeding...Read more...
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on (#6PD8B)
SCHAUMBURG, IL-Admitting that he should frankly know better than to share anything at this point, local man Jason Dearborn told reporters Monday that sending a photo of a garden cucumber to his father unleashed a torrent of unbridled criticism. I texted my family a photo of what I thought was a great-looking,...Read more...
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on (#6PD8C)
WASHINGTON-Arriving for a campaign strategy session with the vice president and staring in disbelief at her frail, hunched-over form, top Democratic Party officials reportedly began panicking Monday after they discovered Kamala Harris had aged 40 years in a single night. What the hell happened to her? She was only 59...Read more...
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on (#6PD8E)
NEW YORK-Calling out the unsustainable pace at which historic events seemed to be occurring, local man Brad Gifford told reporters Monday that important news stories were now happening faster than he could generate uninformed opinions about them. Look, I'm trying my hardest to scrape together confused takes...Read more...
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on (#6PD5B)
JACKSONVILLE, FL-Shedding new light on the role of self-perception in human psychology, a new study published Monday by the Mayo Clinic found that smacking one's own head while yelling Stupid, stupid, stupid" could be an early sign of low self-esteem. While previous generations saw the act of batting at your own...Read more...
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on (#6PCVS)
Scientists have confirmed the discovery of a cave on the moon not far from where Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin landed 55 years ago, with potentially hundreds more that could house future astronauts. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6PCJN)
WASHINGTON-In a significant setback for the already-reeling Democratic Party, Vice President Kamala Harris reportedly turned down the presidential nomination today in order to take a job on an Alaskan fishing vessel. It's a nice offer, but I already lined up this whole seasonal fishing gig out of Anchorage that...Read more...
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on (#6PCH4)
WASHINGTON-In what was widely regarded as a misfire by the 81-year-old as he formally bowed out of the 2024 election, President Joe Biden repeatedly flubbed his exit speech today, saying he would rule the country with an iron fist for one thousand years." Tonight, I, Joseph R. Biden, vow to take back my rightful...Read more...
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on (#6PBGC)
Donald Trump formally accepted the 2024 Republican nomination for president, the announcement coming days after an attempted assassination on the former president's life. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6PB7T)
Athletes from around the world have begun arriving in Paris ahead of the 2024 Summer Olympics. The Onion met up with Simone Biles, the most decorated gymnast in history, to discuss mental health, the pressure to succeed, and her experience at the 2020 Tokyo Games.
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on (#6PB7W)
CHICAGO-With the franchise on track to have what may be the single worst season in the modern history of the sport, Major League Baseball sought to remind the Chicago White Sox on Friday that the team's games were televised. Based on the way you're playing, we just wanted to make sure you understand that there are...Read more...
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on (#6PB7X)
CORAL GABLES, FL-Calling the project a labor of love," plastic surgeon Dr. Alexander Ruttenberg reportedly tore his new wife, Natalia Barova, down to the studs this week. She's not perfect, but she's got good bones," said Ruttenberg, who boasted that he was spending a small fortune" on cosmetic updates and...Read more...
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