The Onion

Your Own Goddamn House: It's your house. You paid for it. She can't just make you leave, divorce papers or not. Reference #27802The post Your Own Goddamn House appeared first on The Onion.

Monica Hilburn and Mike Gomez: The bride's psychic predicted she'd find love, and sure enough, she will eventually.The post Monica Hilburn and Mike Gomez appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-In what is being described as a major breach of White House security protocol, the National Security Agency reportedly uncovered evidence Friday that first lady Melania Trump was a Russian listening device.A sweep by intelligence officials has revealed that Mrs. Trump is in fact an espionage tool deployed by Russia to record President Trump while [...]The post Melania Trump Discovered To Be Russian Listening Device appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-With the remaining days of August dwindling and autumn rapidly approaching, the nation ashamedly confirmed Wednesday that it had once again failed to make the most of summer. We're running out of time, and I haven't been to a single free concert or even entertained the idea of camping or hitting the pool," said Brendan [...]The post Nation Once Again Fails To Make Most Of Summer appeared first on The Onion.

LOS ANGELES-Clarifying that he was simply curious whether there was a comparable version of himself overseas, Los Angeles Dodgers third baseman Max Muncy reportedly asked teammate Shohei Ohtani on Tuesday if they had Max Muncy in Japan. I'm just wondering if you guys have your own version of me-like, does Japan have a Max Muncy [...]The post Max Muncy Asks Shohei Ohtani If They Have Max Muncy In Japan appeared first on The Onion.

ANN ARBOR, MI-In an effort toirritatetherecent winner ofMichigan's Democratic Senate primary at all hours of the night,a spitefulAmerican Israel Public Affairs Committee (AIPAC) reportedly spent $30 million this week to place a really loud bird directly outside the window of Abdul El-Sayed. It might seem like a lot of money, but it's worth it to [...]The post Spiteful AIPAC Spends $30 Million On Loud Bird Perched Outside Abdul El-Sayed's Window appeared first on The Onion.

NEW YORK-Calling the issue an existential threat to American parties, hangouts, and chill seshes, a group of leading immunologists issued a statement Tuesday warning about the rise of good time-resistant supernarcs.Over the past decade, we've witnessed the emergence of narcs that are able to ruin gatherings at rates over 100 times faster than conventional buzzkills," [...]The post Immunologists Warn About Rise Of Good Time-Resistant Supernarcs appeared first on The Onion.

Timothy Burnett, 67, was sealed in a mausoleum Sunday along with the living Taskrabbit handyman, Rover walker, and DoorDash deliveryman who will continue to serve him in the afterlife.The post Timothy Burnett appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-After the nation gamely took another bite in an attempt to place the elusive flavor, the entire U.S. populace confirmed Tuesday that it was detecting...cardamom?I'm definitely getting some nice, almost floral spice on the finish, not quite anise, but something in that neck of the woods-cardamom, maybe?" said Michigan resident Samantha Underwood, echoing the sentiments [...]The post Nation Detecting...Cardamom? appeared first on The Onion.

LOS ANGELES-In an apology to the artistic community, director Eli Roth admitted Monday that most of horror film Ice Cream Man was not made using AI. I know this is a disappointment to many of my friends and fellow filmmakers, but this film was largely made using humans," said Roth, who confirmed what many viewers [...]The post Eli Roth Admits Most Of Ice Cream Man' Not Made Using AI appeared first on The Onion.

Experts say becoming an entrepreneur is possible with the right combination of capital, networking, knowledge, and mentorship. The Onion shares tips for starting your own business. Figure out what people want, and taint it with AI. Ensure you have enough savings to survive for the six days until you give up. Make a detailed business [...]The post Tips For Starting Your Own Business appeared first on The Onion.

The FBI has found at least a dozen instances of Iranian hackers targeting municipal water systems, including the networks that control valves and water pressure. What do you think?The post Iranian Cyberattacks Target U.S. Water Systems appeared first on The Onion.

NAPERVILLE, IL-Veering from the intended subject matter just seconds into their conversation, local father Andrew Parker's effort to sit his son down for a sex talk quickly devolved into a rambling diatribe about all-star two-sport athlete Bo Jackson, sources confirmed Thursday.Well, Caleb, sometimes two people love each other very much, just like Bo Jackson loved [...]The post Sex Talk Devolves Into Dad Rambling About Bo Jackson appeared first on The Onion.

PHOENIX-Horror and revulsion at drastic changes to a longstanding package design were alleviated Friday by reassuring text on a Cheez-It box that promised consumers the interior product still retained its familiar great taste, retail sources confirmed.My legs nearly buckled out from under me right in the snack aisle when I saw what had seemingly been [...]The post Same Great Taste' Caveat Mitigates Trauma Of Snack's New Look appeared first on The Onion.

Why settle down in one place when the whole country can be your home? Grab your bindle, hop one of these boxcars, and you'll always have a roof over your head and a corner to defecate in. Reference #368409The post The Rails appeared first on The Onion.

ROME-In addition to crossing his arms and shaking his head as he listened to the tech billionaire spread blatant misinformation about the End Times, the Antichrist reportedly rolled his eyes Monday throughout a lecture given by Peter Thiel.This second-rate charlatan doesn't know the first goddamn thing about my plans to bring widespread doom," said the [...]The post Antichrist Rolls Eyes Throughout Peter Thiel Lecture appeared first on The Onion.

Deborah Fitzgerald and Quentin Korda: The happy couple were wed in a quiet ceremony attended by 20 friends and one new virus the rest of the world will learn about soon enough.The post Deborah Fitzgerald and Quentin Korda appeared first on The Onion.

As late summer gives way to early fall, many Americans will head to the fair and seek out their favorite regional delicacies. Here are The Onion's top state fair foods. Smoked Carny Leg Whole Branzino On A Stick Big Ol' Gulp From The Hose Tums Egg Roll Tarred-And-Feathered Corn Dog Deep-Fried Items From The Lost [...]The post The Onion's Top State Fair Foods appeared first on The Onion.

CLARKTON, NC-Stressing the need to get a grip and think clearly for a second, local man Ryan Kruze, who had just accidentally shot someone, reportedly urged all the people around him on Friday to calm down.Okay, everyone, let's just take a deep breath and pull ourselves together," said Kruze, who, after discharging his firearm while [...]The post Everyone Needs To Calm Down, Reports Man Who Accidentally Shot Someone appeared first on The Onion.

The post Man Came To Funeral Straight From Work appeared first on The Onion.

An estimated 9% of Americans will have an eating disorder in their lifetime. The Onion examines the myths and facts surrounding eating disorders. MYTH: Most people with eating disorders are young. FACT: They just look young because of how thin and beautiful they are. MYTH: Only a doctor can diagnose an eating disorder. FACT: It's [...]The post Eating Disorders: Myth Vs. Fact appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Pleading with recipients to use their hard-earned cash more productively,a Democratic National Committee fundraising email sent out Thursday urged voters to find something better to do with their money. There are so many incredible things you can put your money toward that are more worthwhile than the Democratic National Committee,"read the email attributed to DNC [...]The post New DNC Fundraising Email Urges Voters To Find Something Better To Do With Their Money appeared first on The Onion.

HAMDEN, CT-Admitting that the threat of a slow-and-low simmer was at the top of their minds, a majority of American voters responding to a Quinnipiac University poll published Thursday revealed that their greatest concern going into the 2026 midterms was of a big evil chef trying to cook them into stew. Across age, income, gender, [...]The post Poll: American Voters Say Greatest Concern Is Big Evil Chef Trying To Cook Them Into Stew appeared first on The Onion.

BALTIMORE-Calling the study's findings revolutionary" for anyone currently staring down a henchman or terrorist, a study from Johns Hopkins University published Thursday found that the explosive power of a rocket launcher increased by 35% when the person firing it shouted Suck on this." According to our trials, squinting your eyes and dramatically stating, Hey dickbreath, [...]The post Study: Explosive Power Of Rocket Launcher Increased 35% By Shouting Suck On This' appeared first on The Onion.

Well, sir, it pains me to say this, but it appears we are at loggerheads: I have said my piece. You have responded in kind. Yet despite my best efforts-and considerable hunger-we seem to have reached an impasse over what $24.99 worth of shrimp looks like. As you know, Kyle, I have been a loyal [...]The post We Seem To Be At An Impasse Over What $24.99Worth Of Shrimp Looks Like appeared first on The Onion.

MYRTLE BEACH, SC-Sighing loudly as she gazed at the empty countertop in the family's rented condo, vacationing mom Jan Freehorn told reporters Friday that she missed her Alexa.This is the first time I've left Alexa home all by herself," said the visibly distraught mother, wondering aloud what the voice-activated virtual assistant might be doing at [...]The post Vacationing Mom Misses Alexa appeared first on The Onion.

Michelle Zhang-Russo, 54, died expectedly to everyone who knows you should never order oysters from a restaurant on a Monday.The post Michelle Zhang-Russo appeared first on The Onion.

One Night Only opens in theaters this weekend. The Onion shares everything you need to know about the film. Q: What's the premise? A: In a dystopian alternate reality, dating is sorta awkward and hard to navigate. Q: Who are the leads? A: Two attractive but affordable options. Q: Who is the movie for? A: [...]The post What To Know About One Night Only' appeared first on The Onion.

Truth Social launched a subscription service allowing Wall Street firms to gain advanced access to Trump's market-moving" posts, receiving them milliseconds before the general public. What do you think?The post Truth Social Begins Selling Advanced Access To Trump Posts appeared first on The Onion.

NEW YORK-Claiming that fans would love clapping and dancing along with their favorite characters,Ted Lassostar Jason Sudeikis confirmed that the show's fourth season, which begins Wednesday, would teach viewers about shapes and colors. At this point in the story, Ted's positive attitude and heart-warming antics have taught the audience that it's important to be yourself, [...]The post New Ted Lasso' Season Aims To Teach Viewers About Shapes, Colors appeared first on The Onion.

ATHERTON, CA-With a hand-painted sign taped to the front of their fold-up card table, local Bay Area children Rowan and Amanda Denton reportedly opened an adrenochrome stand Wednesday along a busy suburban road.Adrenochrome! Adrenochrome for sale! Freshly harvested!" said Rowan, 10, who waved at passing Cybertrucks as he poured the biomolecule intravenously drawn from his [...]The post Bay Area Children Set Up Adrenochrome Stand On Side Of Road appeared first on The Onion.

The bride and groom are about to learn that a shared obsession with pickleball gets you about seven months.The post Tina Watts and Joey Bazan appeared first on The Onion.

Live Better Than A King: Lord over this 750-square-foot studio replete with modern electricity-a luxury that Cyrus the Great, Charlemagne, and even the powerful Genghis Khan never experienced. Reference #21087The post Live Better Than A King appeared first on The Onion.

The post Conflict of Disinterest appeared first on The Onion.

ARLINGTON, VA-In what may be the largest-ever disclosure of government data concerning the mysterious aerial phenomena, Pentagon officials announced Wednesday they had begun releasing a trove of formerly classified files on blimps. These strange, balloon-like anomalies have captivated the public imagination for decades," chief Pentagon spokesperson Sean Parnell said of the unusually bulbous vessels officially [...]The post Pentagon Declassifies Files On Blimps appeared first on The Onion.

The post Shaman Named Dwayne appeared first on The Onion.

Park ranger Stella Leonard, 37, succumbed to her injuries Thursday after being mauled by a tourist.The post Stella Leonard appeared first on The Onion.

BOZEMAN, MT-Upending long-held beliefs about how the prehistoric reptiles commemorated a juvenile female's transition into adulthood, new evidence published Thursday by researchers at Montana State University suggests that dinosaurs had quinceaneras.As we examined fossilized footprints in a traditional waltz pattern at dig sites across multiple continents, it became clear that dinosaurs did in fact throw [...]The post New Evidence Suggests Dinosaurs Had Quinceaneras appeared first on The Onion.

As more Americans than ever turn to Ozempic and Wegovy for weight loss, consumers are becoming increasingly conscious of such drugs' trade-offs. Here are the pros and cons of taking GLP-1s. PRO Always fun injecting something More comfortable than ball gag Creates enough loose skin to take flight Average user finds over $20 in loose [...]The post Is Taking A GLP-1 Worth It? appeared first on The Onion.

SAN FRANCISCO-Hailing rapid developments in the infrastructure needed to support artificial intelligence, OpenAI CEO Sam Altman announced Tuesday that technological advancements were now allowing data centers to run on even more electricity. People said we were using an unacceptable amount of power, and with these upgraded facilities that require so much more of it, we've [...]The post Technological Advancements Allow Data Centers To Run On Even More Electricity appeared first on The Onion.

CHICAGO-Noting that there were no empty seats to switch to on the entirely full bus, sources confirmed Tuesday morning that a belching, groaning passenger seated directly behind a local woman had announced, Oh fuck." Reports indicated that the passenger had spent several minutes prior to his proclamation clutching his stomach and muttering, Please oh please [...]The post Oh Fuck,' Announces Belching, Groaning Bus Passenger Directly Behind Woman appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Promoting the unfounded assertion in an effort to improve his polling, President Donald Trump baselessly claimed during a White House press conference Monday that he was a viral 40-pound tabby cat named Daddy Cinnamon." Yes, that's right, folks-I'm the adorable, adorable fluffy furball who has been crawling all over your social media feeds," the commander-in-chief [...]The post Trump Baselessly Claims He Is Viral 40-Pound Tabby Cat Named Daddy Cinnamon appeared first on The Onion.

FREDERICKTOWN, MO-In a move many residents of this tight-knit community say jeopardizes the belovedscenic hideaway,a multinational make-out conglomerate announced Tuesday that it had purchased the small town's treasured make-out point. Generations of us have enjoyed driving out to this secluded little perch for sucking face, and now this giant corporation wants to make it some [...]The post Small Town's Make-Out Point Purchased By Multinational Make-Out Conglomerate appeared first on The Onion.

The post Rep. Max Miller: I Refuse To Resign Over What My Wife Made Me Do' appeared first on The Onion.