The Onion

SYDNEY-In an outpouring of criticism in which the expression of remorse was disparaged as an affront to the art form, Olympian Rachael Gunn's apology to the breakdance community sparked outrage Thursday from the apology community. Quite frankly, it looked like she had never said sorry before in her life," celebrated apologizer Lily Mickleburg told reporters, [...]The post Raygun's Apology To Breakdancing Community Sparks Outrage From Apology Community appeared first on The Onion.

LOVES PARK, IL-Firm in his refusal to move on to the next tee until his standards had been met, area dad Greg Nevins announced Thursday that he was not leaving this mini golf hole until his son Logan showed him some good form. Come on, enough playing around-now square your shoulders and keep your damn [...]The post Dad Not Leaving This Mini Golf Hole Until Son Shows Him Some Good Form appeared first on The Onion.

LAS VEGAS-In a triumphant victory over longtime rival Takeru Kobayashi during a live-streamed Netflix special, competitive eater Joey Chestnut reportedly ate the entire cast ofStranger Things in under 10 minutes Thursday. There were times in there when I didn't know if I'd be able to choke down another one of those kids, but I just [...]The post Joey Chestnut Eats Entire Cast Of Stranger Things' In Under 10 Minutes appeared first on The Onion.

CHICAGO-Sending commuters into a panic, a switchblade-wielding subway rider was reportedly locked in a tense standoff Thursday with a penis-wielding rider. As soon as the two of these guys made eye contact, everybody knew there was no way they were getting out of there without a fight," said witness Gary Sanborn, 38, adding that passengers [...]The post Switchblade-Wielding Subway Rider Locked In Standoff With Penis-Wielding Subway Rider appeared first on The Onion.

Supporters of MDMA therapy say the treatment eases the symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder, producing lifesaving results for groups such as veterans. Here is what you need to know about the experimental new treatment. Q: Why did the FDA recently reject MDMA-assisted therapy?A: They believe it could be a gateway to harder therapies. Q: What [...]The post What To Know About MDMA Therapy appeared first on The Onion.

WINDER, GA-In the hours following a violent rampage in Georgia in which a lone attacker killed at least four individuals and injured nine others, citizens living in the only country where this kind of mass killing routinely occurs reportedly concluded Wednesday that there was no way to prevent the massacre from taking place. This was [...]The post No Way To Prevent This,' Says Only Nation Where This Regularly Happens appeared first on The Onion.

DAVENPORT, IA-Lauded for his courage and good cheer even in the face of adversity, local high school quarterback Brett Modine, who was paralyzed during a practice scrimmageearlier in the year, was praised as a hero this week for not suing. Real bravery is taking it on the chin like Brett did and still finding it [...]The post Paralyzed High School Quarterback Praised As Hero For Not Suing appeared first on The Onion.

CAMBRIDGE, MA-Largely conforming with the preexistingresearch on the subject, a cautious study published Wednesday by researchers at Harvard University found whatever everyone else found. After exhaustive trials and data analysis, our team can confirm that we have made discoveries totally in line with the stuff that other scientists discovered," said the study's lead author, Mark [...]The post Cautious Study Finds Whatever Everyone Else Found appeared first on The Onion.

CINCINNATI-Drawing mixed reactions from viewers with its attempt to flesh out the backstory of the popular cleaning products mascot, a new ad released by Procter & Gamble this week generated controversy with its revelation that Mr. Clean only dates Black women. The beloved and iconic Mr. Clean has long been known for his smile, his [...]The post Controversial Ad Reveals Mr. Clean Only Dates Black Women appeared first on The Onion.

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MANKATO, MN-Warning that if elected the candidate would show his sinister true colors, acquaintances of Democratic vice presidential nominee Tim Walz alleged Tuesday that his aw, shucks' persona was merely a cover for his very real gee whiz' tendencies. He may act all gosh-and-golly in front of the cameras, but the Walz political machine has [...]The post Sources Allege Tim Walz's Aw, Shucks' Persona Merely Facade Concealing True Gee Whiz' Tendencies appeared first on The Onion.

TROY, NY-Showering his screen with balloons and confetti while asking him to confirm the information was accurate, LinkedIn reportedly congratulated local man Steve Romano on Tuesday for reaching five years at his dead-end job without killing himself. Great job, Steve! You've hit the five-year mark without a raise or promotion or even once running a [...]The post LinkedIn Congratulates Man On 5 Years At Dead-End Job Without Killing Himself appeared first on The Onion.

With millions returning to campuses for the start of another school year, university administrators are establishing new policies to prevent and discourage their students from taking part in pro-Palestine protests. Here are some of the most popular strategies colleges are using in their crackdowns.The post How Universities Are Cracking Down On Palestine Protests appeared first on The Onion.

STOCKTON, CA-Complaining that the woman acts like she owns the place despite her groom's incredible generosity, local man Jason Foster reported Monday that his bride was being awfully picky about the wedding cake for someone who just got a free flight from Cambodia. She steps off the plane I forked over 900 bucks for and [...]The post Bride Being Awfully Picky About Wedding Cake For Someone Who Just Got Free Flight From Cambodia appeared first on The Onion.

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ALBUQUERQUE, NM-Expressing their envy at the child's obviously superior dining experience, everyone sitting in a local restaurant Monday was reportedly jealous of a toddler who got to wear his pajamas and watch an iPad for the whole meal. I can't believe this! He doesn't even have to talk to anybody or pay attention to what's [...]The post Everyone In Restaurant Jealous Of Toddler Who Gets To Wear Pajamas And Watch iPad appeared first on The Onion.

CAMBRIDGE, MA-Pondering a hypothetical that, if proven, would fundamentally alter feline understanding of the universe, the nation's foremost cat scientists held a symposium Friday to discuss a theoretical third food type that was neither wet nor dry. Consider a world in which food is not split into the binary we have always known, but exists [...]The post Cat Scientists Theorize About Third Type Of Food That Neither Wet Nor Dry appeared first on The Onion.

A 4-year-old boy accidentally smashed a Bronze Age jar at an archeological museum in Haifa, Israel, with the 3,500-year-old ancient artifact having been displayed without a glass case near the institution's entrance at the time of the incident. What do you think?The post 4-Year-Old Museum-Goer Accidentally Shatters Bronze Age Jar appeared first on The Onion.

PITTSBURGH-Putting on a brave face and carrying on with his regularly scheduled hoagie consumption habits Friday, local man Craig Landers was reportedly continuing amid the nationwide listeria outbreak to eat deli meat as if nothing had happened. Hmm, a listeria outbreak? I wonder if that means all the Boar's Head is on sale now," said [...]The post Listeria Outbreak Prompts Man To Continue Eating Deli Meat Like Nothing Wrong appeared first on The Onion.

BALTIMORE-Threatening significant legal consequences if the campaign failed to heed its warnings, the Francis Scott Key estate sent a cease-and-desist letter to Donald Trump on Friday that demanded he discontinue use of The Star-Spangled Banner" at his rallies. This unauthorized political usage is in clear violation of what Francis stood for and everything his song [...]The post Francis Scott Key Estate Sends Cease-And-Desist To Trump For Playing Star-Spangled Banner' At Rally appeared first on The Onion.

The post Chappell Roan: We Hid In The Alley Behind Her Hotel, Knocked Out A Concierge On His Smoke Break, Stole His Uniform, Used It To Sneak Into The Kitchen, And Hid Inside Her Room Service Trolley, And She Was A Complete, Ungrateful Bitch About It appeared first on The Onion.

ARLINGTON, TX-After engaging a trip wire when they reached the doors of the medical facility, dozens of pregnant women remained hanging in a snare net above the entrance to Texas Health Arlington Memorial Hospital, sources confirmed Friday. They keep saying they aren't here for abortions, but we can't be too careful," said ob-gyn Dr. Otto [...]The post Dozens Of Pregnant Women Caught In Hanging Snare Nets Above Texas Hospital Entrance appeared first on The Onion.

With the loneliness epidemic impacting millions of Americans, book clubs offer a simple and structured way for readers of all ages to socialize.The Onionshares tips for starting your own book club.The post Tips For Starting A Book Club appeared first on The Onion.

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WASHINGTON-Caught red-handed after a night on the town with a car he had been trying to keep secret, Pete Buttigieg attempted to sneak into his D.C. apartment at approximately 12:30 a.m. Friday, according to sources close to the transportation secretary and his spouse. Are you fucking kidding me? First you don't show up for dinner, [...]The post Pete Buttigieg Sneaks In After Midnight With Tire Tracks On Collar appeared first on The Onion.

With Joe Biden stepping aside from the 2024 presidential race, the Democratic Party has put its money, manpower, and fate in the hands of Kamala Harris. The Onion sat down with the vice president to discuss her political career, her whirlwind nomination, and her vision for the future of the United States of America. The [...]The post Exclusive Interview With Kamala Harris appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Bemoaning the terrible course conditions he encountered while visiting the military burial site, Donald Trump called out Arlington National Cemetery on Thursday for its hazard-filled fairways. I've played at amazing golf courses all over the world-like Augusta, Pinehurst, and Pebble Beach-and let me tell you, Arlington National Cemetery was the worst 18 holes I've ever [...]The post Trump Calls Out Arlington National Cemetery For Hazard-Filled Fairways appeared first on The Onion.

LITTLE ROCK, AR-Admitting that he had heard the phrase before but was unclear as to itsexact meaning, local husband Brad Moff, 35, reportedly asked his wife Thursday if an ectopic pregnancy was a good thing. Wait, so does that mean that I, like, super-fertilized the eggs?" said Moff, querying his partner, Sarah, as to whether [...]The post Husband Asks If Ectopic Pregnancy Good Thing appeared first on The Onion.

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The mosquito-borne virus eastern equine encephalitis, also known as triple E, has led to voluntary lockdowns in multiple Massachusetts towns.The Onionanswers all the important questions you haveregarding the potentially deadly virus threatening the Northeast. Q: Is this like another Covid?A: No, every virus and pathogen is beautiful in its own way. Q: How does it [...]The post What To Know About Triple E Mosquito Virus appeared first on The Onion.

CHICAGO-Confirming the impressive but limited scope of the birds' cognitive abilities, a study published Thursday by the University of Chicago found that crows were intelligent enough to steal trinkets, but foolish enough to think that material goods would solve their problems. Our data indicates that corvids display the reasoning skills necessary to pilfer and collect [...]The post Study: Crows Intelligent Enough To Steal Trinkets, But Foolish Enough To Think Material Goods Will Solve Problems appeared first on The Onion.

Scientists at the University of California at Davis are attempting to reengineer the microbes in cows' stomachs to produce less methane, which is a potent greenhouse gas released by the animals that contributes about 4% of global warming. What do you think?The post Scientists Reengineering Cows' Stomachs To Fight Climate Change appeared first on The Onion.

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NORWOOD, OH-Kicking herself as the words 1 free article(s) remaining" hovered at the bottom of her screen, local woman Margaret Cross stated Wednesday that she had wasted a free monthly Cincinnati.com article on a story about a high school golf team. I just got pulled in because I know my cousin's kid plays for St. [...]The post Woman Wastes Free Monthly Cincinnati.com Article On Story About High School Golf Team appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Publishing their work in the peer-reviewed journalPassive-Aggression, Georgetown University researchers released a catty new study Wednesday that found the majority of Americans must lack access to reliable mirrors. After analyzing thousands of data points, from their tragic haircuts to their questionable tastes in footwear, we determined there are millions of people across the country who [...]The post Catty Study Finds Majority Of Americans Must Lack Access To Reliable Mirrors appeared first on The Onion.

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Sabrina Carpenter, the artist behind summer hitsEspresso"andPlease Please Please," recently released her highly anticipated sixth studio album,Short n' Sweet, to critical acclaim.The Onionshares what you need to know about the singer. Birth Name: Disney Project 874C Genre: Blonde Height: 6-foot-7 with a 7-foot wingspan Vocal Style: Precision-tooled breeziness Songwriting Technique: Gun pointed at Jack Antonoff [...]The post Artist Profile: Sabrina Carpenter appeared first on The Onion.

MOUNTAIN VIEW, CA-Expanding its offerings beyond traditional vapes, Juul Labs announced Tuesday it had begun selling e-solvents, a new product it would market toward huffers. With Juul's new e-solvents, hanging out with your other huffer buddies by the dumpster behind Walmart just got a lot more fun," said CEO K.C. Crosthwaite, explaining that the electronic [...]The post Juul Unveils New E-Solvent Can For Huffers appeared first on The Onion.

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NEWARK, NJ-Marveling at the manifold natural wonders on display inside such a small, self-contained ecosystem, a panel of scientists described feeling awestruck Tuesday by the biodiversity within a single Italian sub. There's just an incredible variety of species thriving inside the surprisingly hospitable habitat of this sandwich-among the varietals of flora alone, we can see [...]The post Scientists Awestruck By Biodiversity Within Single Italian Sub appeared first on The Onion.

SAVANNAH, GA-His voice growing increasingly hoarse as he entered his 72nd hour of contextualizing the 2024 campaign through sports, vice presidential candidate Tim Walz reportedly panicked Monday while trapped inside a football metaphor for the third consecutive day. It's the fourth quarter, we're down by a field goal, but we're on offense, we're driving to [...]The post Panicked Tim Walz Trapped In Football Metaphor For Third Consecutive Day appeared first on The Onion.

LEXINGTON, KY-Stating that the anatomical facsimile of the female groin was having the opposite of the vice presidential candidate's intended effect, aides begged J.D. Vance on Monday to stop carrying around a model of a woman's pelvis while meeting with voters. I can't stress enough how much people don't like it when you silently hold [...]The post Aides Beg J.D. Vance To Stop Carrying Model Of Woman's Pelvis While Meeting Voters appeared first on The Onion.

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LAS VEGAS-Warning there were only two hours remaining until the Uber would be called, 25-year-old Sabrina Kelson, the prettiest girl at the bachelorette party, reportedly demanded Monday that everyone else look pretty. I just think it's really important that everybody look their best for Madison tonight," said Kelson, the woman blessed with flawless skin and [...]The post Prettiest Girl At Bachelorette Party Demands Everyone Look Pretty appeared first on The Onion.