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by The Onion Staff on (#76SQZ)
California banned the use of sell by" labels on food packaging in an effort to cut down on food waste caused by consumers misinterpreting its meaning. What do you think?The post California Bans Sell By' Food Labels appeared first on The Onion.
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The Onion
| Link | https://theonion.com/ |
| Feed | https://www.theonion.com/rss |
| Updated | 2026-09-11 11:08 |
by The Onion Staff on (#76SQY)
BURBANK, CA-Tunneling upward out of the darkness where they had lain in wait for13 years, the latest brood of Disney child stars reportedly emerged from the ground Monday, filling the air with their mindless droning. Thousands of spunky young actors, part of the child performer population known as Brood D, were spotted bursting out of [...]The post Brood Of Disney Child Stars Emerges From Ground appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#76SQX)
INDIANAPOLIS-Saying whatever she had to say to get through the PBS shoot as quickly as possible, hungover Antiques Roadshow expert Katrina Delaney reportedly pulled another appraisal out of her ass Wednesday morning.Yeah, you can tell from the, uh, baroque cornices that it's probably from the Ming dynasty," the 48-year-old decorative arts specialist said of the [...]The post Hungover Antiques Roadshow' Expert Pulls AnotherAppraisal Out Of Her Ass appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#76SQW)
BLOOMINGTON, IL-Amid a campaign aimed at improving the aesthetics of previously neglected public spaces, the team behind a new beautification initiative admitted Thursday to feeling impeded by the city's commitment to using only local artists.Seeing the quality of some of these pieces, I'm beginning to worry that we vastly over-estimated the amount of artistic talent [...]The post City's Beautification Initiative Hamstrung By Commitment To Local Artists appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#76SQV)
While permanent, the visible blotch is strictly cosmetic and in no way affects this home's ability to shelter you and your family. Reference #259348The post Just A Birthmark appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#76RQF)
WASHINGTON-Offering new insight into the origins of America's founding document, a group of leading historians published a report this week theorizing that the Declaration of Independence started out as Twilight fan fiction. Based on newly unearthed correspondence between our nation's Founding Fathers, we hypothesize that the document that ultimately became the Declaration originated as a [...]The post Historians Theorize Declaration Of Independence Started As Twilight' Fan Fiction appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#76RQE)
PLYMOUTH, MA-Reaffirming their commitment to sovereignty against a backdrop of crashing waves and the setting sun, the original 13 American states renewed the Declaration of Independence Saturday in a beautiful beachfront ceremony. Now repeat after me, do you free and independent states hold these truths to be self-evident?" said officiant Barack Obama, adding that despite [...]The post Original 13 States Renew Declaration Of Independence In Beachfront Ceremony appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#76RQD)
In The Onion, July 4, 2026By the REPRESENTATIVES of theONION EDITORIAL BOARD, When, in the course of human events, it becomes necessary for one people to dissolve the bands which have connected them with other far more annoying and troublesome peoples, and to assume, among the powers of the earth, the separate and greater station [...]The post A Declaration Of Independence From The Rest Of The World appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#76RQC)
LOW EARTH ORBIT-Smiling and waving triumphantly as their celestial forms floated through the cosmos, America's Founding Fathers appeared in the sky over the United States on Saturday to wish the greatest nation on earth a happy 250th birthday. Happy semiquincentennial, America," said the enormous, beaming visage of George Washington, who materialized in the thermosphere alongside [...]The post Founding Fathers Smile Down On America From Outer Space appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#76RQB)
CAMBRIDGE, MA-Ringing in the momentous occasion with firework displays, community service projects, and chants of bog-trotters go home," the United States of America turned 250 on Saturday despite the presence of the Irish. The semiquincentennial, marking two and a half centuries since the signing of the Declaration of Independence, was observed by approximately 308 million [...]The post Nation Turns 250 Despite Presence Of Irish appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#76RQA)
The post Breaking: Salute The General! appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#76RQ9)
The post Patriot Tears Up While Pretending Washington Monument Is His Penis appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#76RG7)
NEW YORK-Rising from his seat as the first notes of Lee Ann Womack's I Hope You Dance" blasted over the sound system, Kansas City Chiefs coach Andy Reid was seen approaching the floor Friday evening for the traditional coach-tight end wedding dance. It's a moment every coach dreams about from the time he drafts his [...]The post Andy Reid Approaches Floor For Traditional Coach-Tight End Wedding Dance appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#76RF2)
NEW YORK-Struggling to wrap his head around the horrific sight before him, a panicked Travis Kelce reportedly yelled, Babe, you shrunk!" on Friday to the miniature bride figurine on top of the couple's wedding cake. Taylor, no, God, no-it's going to be okay babe, just tell me who did this to you!" said the Kansas [...]The post Babe, You Shrunk!' Says Panicked Travis Kelce To Mini Bride On Wedding Cake appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#76RE6)
The post Travis Kelce Wins Coin Flip To Kick Off Vows appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#76R49)
WESTFIELD, IN-Reflecting on how his past struggles had fueled him on his road to becoming a champion, professional eater Joey Chestnut recalled on Friday how he was cut from his high school's varsity hot dog eating team. I was scrappy and had a burning passion for inhaling hot dogs, so as a freshman, I went [...]The post Joey Chestnut Recalls Being Cut From His High School's Varsity Hot Dog Eating Team appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#76R48)
More than two dozen states are experiencing extreme heat. The Onion shares tips for keeping your home cool and comfortable amid record-breaking temperatures. Press a cold, damp towel against your home's pulse points. Take contortionist classes until you can fit inside the freezer. Fire your gun in the air as a warning to the sun [...]The post Tips For Cooling Your Home appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#76R47)
President Trump disclosed that he personally amassed around $1.2 billion from crypto holdings in 2025, raising concerns about his profiting off the office. What do you think?The post Trump Amasses $1.2 Billion From Crypto appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#76R1P)
NEW YORK-Navigating the venue in search of his place setting, wedding guest Andy Reid was reportedly pleased Friday to find that Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce had seated him at an empty table with 12 dinners assigned to him. I think this is me," said the Kansas City Chiefs head coach to the dozen plates [...]The post Andy Reid Seated At Empty Wedding Table With 12 Dinners appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#76QP9)
The post Olivia Rodrigo Adds Adult Diapers To Merch Table appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#76QM8)
WASHINGTON-In a judgment the majority of justices said reflected the intentions of the Founding Fathers, the U.S. Supreme Court issued a 6-3 ruling this week that upheld state bans on transgender athletes, adopting an originalist vision for junior varsity volleyball rosters. In their abundant wisdom, the authors of the Constitution methodically laid out the exact [...]The post Supreme Court Trans Sports Ruling Adopts Originalist Vision For JV Volleyball Rosters appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#76QJK)
The post LeBron Hopeful New Team Has One Of His Kids On It Too appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#76QJM)
PITTSBURGH-Noting that the man could often be seen waiting outside O'Malley's Tap with his hands shaking in anticipation before the doors even opened, sources confirmed Thursday that local 54-year-old Brian Munson, who goes to the bar every day at 10 a.m., must be a huge soccer fan. You can just tell he lives and breathes [...]The post Guy Who Goes To Bar Every Day At 10 A.M. Must Be Huge Soccer Fan appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#76QJN)
WASHINGTON-Claiming there were strings of explosive devices planted throughout the National Mall, President Donald Trump reportedly attempt to cover up low attendance at the Great American State Fair this week by calling in a bomb threat. There's a series of explosives in unmarked duffel bags all across the fairgrounds, which are beautiful by the way, [...]The post Trump Covers Up Low State Fair Attendance By Calling In Bomb Threat appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#76QJP)
Upon the former House Speaker's retirement from Congress, Nancy Pelosi and the University of California, Berkeley, will establish the Nancy Pelosi Institute for Representative Democracy, a nonpartisan organization dedicated to strengthening American democracy." What do you think?The post UC Berkeley Announces Nancy Pelosi Democracy Institute appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#76QJQ)
Elle, a new Legally Blonde prequel series on Amazon Prime Video, has premiered to mixed reviews. The Onion shares everything you need to know about the show. Q: How is the story updated for 2026? A: The story is now spread out over 16 more hours than it needed to be. Q: What stereotypes does [...]The post What To Know About Elle' appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#76Q9S)
The post Agriculture Department Puts Trump's Face On Soybeans appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#76Q9R)
Over the past decade, many Americans have likely found themselves contemplating what life might have looked like if things had turned out otherwise for Hillary Clinton. Would we be richer? Would we be at war? One thing is certain: Had Secretary Clinton won the 2016 Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Contest, the world would be a [...]The post The World Would Be A Much Different Place If Hillary Clinton Had Won The 2016 Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Contest appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#76Q9Q)
WASHINGTON-Displaying an uncanny comprehension of humanity's power structures as they emerged from their interstellar spacecraft, a delegation of surprisingly politically informed aliens issued demands Tuesday to be taken to Earth's biggest pedophile.People of Earth, you will bring us before the massive child molester in charge of managing your planet's affairs at once!" said Grelahr Xoxneb [...]The post Take Us To Your Biggest Pedophile' Demand Surprisingly Politically Informed Aliens appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#76Q9P)
Desire To Murder May Have Driven Man To Pull TriggerThe post Police Suspect Gunman's Motive Was To Kill Bunch Of People appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#76Q9N)
Legendary corporate raider Bruce Nakagami, 76, is doing leveraged buyouts with the angels now.The post Bruce Nakagami appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#76PW5)
The post Lakers Not Sure Where LeBron Got Badge And Gun He Just Turned In appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#76PQQ)
The post Basketball World Waiting With Bated Breath To See Where Sandro Mamukelashvili Signs appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#76PFE)
MILWAUKEE-Climbing down from the stands with mustard and ketchup packets clutched in their fists, dozens of rabid, salivating Milwaukee Brewers fans reportedly chased down the contestants in the traditional Johnsonville Sausage Race midway through Tuesday's game.They took after those sausages like a pack of wolves," said Brewers outfielder Brandon Lockridge, recalling the unmistakable look of [...]The post Salivating Brewers Fans Chase Down Mascots In Sausage Race appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#76PFD)
CAMBRIDGE, MA-Insisting any missteps be viewed in the full context of each individual's contributions to the institution, Harvard University officials defended on Wednesday their decision to keep several confederate generals on the school's teaching staff. Last week, Harvard president Alan M. Garber told students in a campus-wide email that he had declined to discipline several [...]The post Harvard Faces Pressure To Fire Confederate Generals appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#76PFC)
WASHINGTON-Stating that he hoped action in the region would draw to a close in the coming weeks, President Donald Trump made comments Wednesday indicating his desire for a speedy end to the entire world.We're getting very close to meeting our objectives as we move toward winding down humanity's presence on planet Earth," Trump said during [...]The post Trump Indicates Desire For Speedy End To World appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#76PFB)
DAYTON, OH-Expressing disappointment with what she described as unfulfilled campaign promises, local Make America Healthy Again voter Sandra Murrow told reporters Tuesday that she felt betrayed by the continued survival of her own children.I voted for Trump because I was sure RFK Jr.'s health policies would put my son and daughter in the dirt on [...]The post MAHA Voter Feels Betrayed By Continued Survival Of Own Children appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#76PFA)
More Americans than ever are choosing to watch movies at home rather than going out to the theater. The Onion lays out the drawbacks and benefits of both experiences. Concessions:Streaming: 790 calories of stale crackers, spoonfuls of peanut butter, and shredded cheese.Theaters: 790 calories of whatever 16-year-old theater employee didn't confiscate. Size Of Vin Diesel's [...]The post Streaming vs. Theaters appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#76PF9)
The two tied the knot after four years of dating and three years of Jarrett carefully excavating every slice of cake she received to look for a ring.The post Anya Lopez and Sara Jarrett appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#76PF8)
A large airy kitchen like this, with ample room for seating? Mom's definitely going to say it's time for your generation to start hosting holidays. Reference #33813The post Damn It, Mom's Totally Going To Make You Host Christmas Now appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#76PF7)
Unjected, a dating app for unvaccinated people that began in 2021, has been gaining popularity, currently boasting 65,000 active users. What do you think?The post Anti-Vaxxer Dating App Gaining Popularity appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#76NN3)
WASHINGTON-Saying the nation had enjoyed a perfectly adequate amount of dribbling, passing, and loud chanting, a new report published Tuesday confirmed that was enough soccer for now. Welp, that was fun, but we've got our fill," the report read in part, adding that after a couple weeks of watching men from places like Italy, Bulgaria, [...]The post Report: That's Enough Soccer For Now appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#76NN2)
A 3-year-old giraffe is missing after escaping a ranch in Texas two weeks ago, with search helicopters turning up nothing. What do you think?The post Escaped Giraffe Unable To Be Located appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#76NN1)
Elaine Gardener's loved ones can rest easy knowing the 63-year-old passed after having finally completed the Devil's Dozen Challenge at Sliders Bar & Grill.The post Elaine Gardener appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#76NN0)
The post Last Living Millennial Dies appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#76NMZ)
TWIN FALLS, ID-Highlighting sensitive areas on the body that when properly manipulated could induce extreme pain, older cousin Noah Horner held a demonstration on new pressure points he had learned since his last visit, nervous sources confirmed Friday.Check this out-it's used by IDF soldiers," said Horner, explaining to the writhing younger cousin whom he had [...]The post Older Cousin Demonstrates New PressurePoints Learned Since Last Visit appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#76NMY)
WASHINGTON-In a statement that mourned the extinguishing of one of the league's oldest and most infernal lights," the Washington Wizards announced Tuesday that the organization's founding wizard, Osric the Baleful, had died at age 682, bringing to an end a centuries-long career in necromancy, prophecy, and NBA ownership. Osric's 1997 acquisition of the team then [...]The post Washington Wizards Announce Founding Wizard Dead At 682 appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#76NMX)
MIAMI-In an effort to diversify its holdings in the highly competitive militarized surveillance space, data analytics firm Palantir announced Thursday that it had acquired the Pentagon for $800billion.After months of negotiating, I am thrilled to announce that the U.S. government has accepted our terms and agreed to sell us the Department of War," said Palantir [...]The post Palantir Acquires Pentagon For $800 Billion appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#76NMW)
WASHINGTON-In a wide-reaching decision likely to affect every era of American life, the U.S. Supreme Court issued a landmark ruling Tuesday upholding a temporal gerrymander that would cost Democrats control of the House of Representatives in the 1932 election. With the 6-3 judgment, the court's conservative majority permitted the Republican National Committee to redraw congressional [...]The post Supreme Court Upholds Temporal Gerrymander That Would Cost Democrats 1932 Election appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#76N2K)
WASHINGTON-Expressing delight at the complete humiliation of their political opponents, White House officials on Monday gleefully mocked the paltry attendance at Democrats' Great American State Fair. To no one's surprise, the Democrats and their socialist allies botched America's 250th anniversary with a so-called celebration that absolutely no one showed up for," said White House Press [...]The post White House Mocks Paltry Attendance At Democrats' Great American State Fair appeared first on The Onion.
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