The Onion

LONDON-Promising a dark, brooding romance,"Wuthering Heightsdirector Emerald Fennell assured fans Thursday that her new movie would be a faithful adaptation ofTwilight.When you take on a classic, people are understandably going to have strong feelings, but trust me on this-you're going to love it," said Fennell, who stressed that the upcoming film was practically a scene [...]The post Emerald Fennell Assures Fans Wuthering Heights' Will Be Faithful Adaptation Of Twilight' appeared first on The Onion.

Gather 'round, friends, and lend me your ears! Today, I bring to you a marvelous proposition, one that can become a reality with everyone's help. It may seem far-fetched at first-the ravings of yet another humble dreamer. But I really believe that we can accomplish this as long as we stay united as one. For [...]The post C'mon, Everybody, There's Too Many Of Us For Them To Stop Us From Jerking Off All At Once! appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Attempting to garner camaraderie from a group of regulars at his local watering hole, Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth loudly announced Monday that he would be buying everyone in the bar a round of F-22 fighter jets.Guys, the next round of aeronautic defense systems is on me," said a visibly inebriated Hegseth, twirling his finger around [...]The post Pete Hegseth Buys Bar Round Of F-22 Fighter Jets appeared first on The Onion.

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The happy couple tied the knot in a small ceremony at a local courthouse since they were there for Smith's arraignment anyway.The post Ashley Byron and Connor Smith appeared first on The Onion.

LONDON-Admitting complete ignorance as to the mysterious origins of the creatures, the Association of Tennis Professionals revealed to reporters Wednesday that they weren't entirely sure where ball boys came from. People always assume the ball boys are our employees, but for as long as I can remember, they just show up on tournament days on [...]The post ATP Reveals They're Not Sure Where Ball Boys Come From appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Stating that the country's naturalization process was highly outdated," White House officials announced Thursday that the U.S. citizenship test would now include a four-year imprisonment section.Starting this month, all prospective citizens must complete a portion of the exam in which they will be forcibly detained, denied a fair trial, and locked in a cell," said [...]The post U.S. Citizenship Test To Include 4-Year Imprisonment Section appeared first on The Onion.

ZANESVILLE, OH-Drawing on the government program that has helped countless service members enrich their lives after leaving the military, local veteran Doug Whitley told reporters this week that he had used the GI bill to enroll in Hustlers University.After spending 10 years in the Army, I really needed something that would help me adjust my [...]The post GI Bill Used On Hustlers University appeared first on The Onion.

This flawless four-bedroom Craftsman mirage appears on the horizon to desperate house shoppers, only to disappear as soon as they reach the door. $800,000. Reference #98243The post Too Good To Be True appeared first on The Onion.

Amy Chandler, 38, was burned at the stake for the crime of witchcraft, which is more of an indictment of modern-day Oklahoma than anything.The post Amy Chandler appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Stressing that it was unrealistic to think he would recollect one such letter out of the vast number he has written in his lifetime, President Donald Trump told reporters Tuesday that he shouldn't be expected to remember every single birthday card he has sent to child molesters. Every month I'm probably sending off a dozen [...]The post Trump Claims He Can't Be Expected To Remember Every Birthday Card He Sends To Child Molesters appeared first on The Onion.

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ARLINGTON, VA-In an initiative they described as a vital part of their effort to cut federal spending, officials at the Department of Government Efficiency reported Wednesday that they had dug up Arlington National Cemetery.The American people gave the president a clear mandate to fight waste, fraud, and abuse by removing the freeloading corpses buried in [...]The post DOGE Employees Dig Up Arlington National Cemetery appeared first on The Onion.

WEST LONG BRANCH, NJ-With the attribute far outpacing characteristics such as humor, kindness, or wealth, a poll released Monday by Monmouth University found that the most desirable quality in a romantic partner was being a jacked centaur.Among our sample of over 40,000 respondents, by far the most coveted trait in a potential significant other was [...]The post Poll Finds Most Desirable Quality InRomantic Partner Is Being Jacked Centaur appeared first on The Onion.

The bride said I do" despite the groom mentioning the film Interstellar three separate times in his vows.The post Megan Haloiti and Patrick Leigh appeared first on The Onion.

Apple picking is a fun and festive way for the whole family to enjoy the scenic autumn season. Here are The Onion's tips for picking apples. Vastly overestimate how many apples you eat. Visit the orchard in January to avoid the crowds. Leave the kids at home-they're only going to slow you down. Prioritize the [...]The post Tips For Apple Picking appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-After entering a school cafeteria in D.C. and wrenching a brown paper bag from the hands of a small child, U.S. senators and representatives taunted a 7-year-old student and played keep-away with his lunch, sources reported Tuesday. The sack lunch, which belonged to Stanton Elementary second grader Lucas Henderson and is said to have contained [...]The post Congress Plays Keep-Away With Child's School Lunch appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Claiming that 100% of users experienced dangerous side effects as a result of wearing the contraceptive device, Robert F. Kennedy Jr. reportedly paused an amorous moment Thursday to issue a dire warning to his mistress about condoms causing autism.All of the increased cases of autism over the last decade can be traced to condom usage-at [...]The post RFK Jr. Warns Mistress That Condoms Cause Autism appeared first on The Onion.

Come on, look at how cool this tower thingy is. Imagine sitting in a little circular room like that. So cool. Reference #56727The post House With Cool Turret Thing appeared first on The Onion.

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FOXBOROUGH, MA-In an effort to promote a safer environment at Gillette Stadium, the New England Patriots announced Wednesday that they would stop serving alcohol to players after the third quarter. We have unfortunately heard more than a few complaints about our players' rowdy and aggressive behavior," said Patriots spokesperson Aaron Kozachik, who stressed that while [...]The post Patriots To Stop Serving Alcohol To Players After 3rd Quarter appeared first on The Onion.

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WASHINGTON-Running into several White House staff members as they tried to sneak their new friend inside, the Trump boys reportedly begged their father Tuesday to let them keep a homeless man they had found as a pet. Please, Daddy, please can we keep our fuzzy buddy?" said Eric Trump, his visibly hopeful eyes widening as [...]The post Trump Boys Beg Father To Let Them Keep Homeless Man As Pet appeared first on The Onion.

OpenAI announced new safety features will be soon coming to ChatGPT in an effort to better protect teens and others experiencing acute distress." The Onion shares a selection of those safeguards. Begins every conversation by telling users not to vape Targeted BetterHelp ads for any user in the midst of a mental health crisis Parental [...]The post New Safety Features Coming To ChatGPT appeared first on The Onion.

KANSAS CITY, MO-Stressing that preparation was important both on and off the field, Chiefs head coach Andy Reid reportedly sat tight end Travis Kelce down Friday to gently go over what would be expected of him on his wedding night. The keys to performing your best in the bedroom are proper positioning and situational awareness," [...]The post Andy Reid Gently Tells Travis Kelce What Expected Of Him On Wedding Night appeared first on The Onion.

EAST RUTHERFORD, NJ-Speaking grimly as he mopped the floor beneath flickering fluorescent lights, longtime MetLife Stadium custodian Keith Browning reportedly approached first year New York Jets head coach Aaron Glenn Friday and warned him that people who go in that locker room come out...different." You be careful in there, Coach-I've seen a lot of good [...]The post People Who Go In That Locker Room Come Out...Different,' Jets Custodian Warns Aaron Glenn appeared first on The Onion.

SAN DIEGO-Calling the in-person gathering an exciting chance to check in on old friends, local resident Anthony Crews told reporters Thursday that this week's in-person fantasy football draft had been a great excuse to see how weird-looking everyone in his 12-person keeper league was getting. It's really less about who I get at tight end [...]The post Fantasy Football Draft Good Excuse To See How Weird-Looking Everyone Getting appeared first on The Onion.

Filming for Euphoria Season 3 is underway with an expected release date of 2026. Here is everything we know about the series' return so far. Takes place in a universe where The Idol was beloved and critically acclaimed Follows a sober Rue's battle with refined sugar Kathy Bates returns as the mysterious lunch lady Fans [...]The post Everything We Know About Euphoria' Season 3 So Far appeared first on The Onion.

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HAMPTON, NH-Stressing its commitment to making everyone feel welcome regardless of athletic ability, national gym franchise Planet Fitness instituted a new policy Thursday that bans proper form. We don't want new gym-goers to feel intimidated by people doing squats correctly, so from now on, members will be penalized when they lift with their legs instead [...]The post Planet Fitness Bans Proper Form appeared first on The Onion.

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DEDHAM, MA-Remarking that the adolescent had undergone some pronounced developmental changes during the course of his vacation, middle school sources reported Tuesday that eighth grader Ryan Alcorn's voice had dropped six octaves over the summer. According to eyewitnesses present in Mrs. Jeterson's homeroom, Alcorn opened his mouth during classroom introductions to reveal that the high-pitched [...]The post 8th Grader's Voice Drops 6 Octaves Over Summer appeared first on The Onion.

BALTIMORE-Identifying a disturbing behavioral trend likely to have profound health consequences, a study published Wednesday by researchers at Johns Hopkins University found that ultra-processed foods made up over 50% of Americans' thoughts. We surveyed more than 20,000 participants across the country, and the data showed they primarily think about sausages, spicy chicken nuggets, and cream-filled [...]The post Study Finds Ultra-Processed Foods Make Up Over 50% Of Americans' Thoughts appeared first on The Onion.

LEAWOOD, KS-Lighting up as he outlined his vision for their special day, Kansas City Chiefs tight end Travis Kelce reportedly asked fiancee Taylor Swift on Wednesday if their upcoming wedding could be shark themed. Come on, babe, you love animals," said Kelce, who gestured enthusiastically as he threw out ideas, including tables named after different [...]The post Travis Kelce Asks If Wedding Can Be Shark Themed appeared first on The Onion.

CRYSTAL LAKE, IL-With a crowd gathering around the new kid as word of his charming antics quickly spread among his peers, witnesses confirmed Tuesday that local fourth grader Billy Donaldson had easily won over his new classmates by performing belly tricks.Look, the new kid is making his belly really big like a balloon!" said Katie [...]The post New Kid Easily Wins Over Classroom With Belly Tricks appeared first on The Onion.

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WASHINGTON-Lauded as a generational advocate for sexual contact between relatives, former New York City mayor and man who married his cousin Rudy Giuliani was awarded the Presidential Medal of Incest at a White House ceremony Tuesday. Not only is Rudy a great American patriot, but he inspires all of us to summon the bravery to [...]The post Rudy Giuliani Awarded Presidential Medal Of Incest appeared first on The Onion.

WESTFIELD, MA-Saying they had never seen such an ostentatious display, friends attending a barbecue yesterday at the home of Pete and Emily Brooks told reporters they were shocked to learn the couple were wealthy enough to have their own live-in children. They weren't even self-conscious about it-they just said, These are our kids,' as if [...]The post Couple So Wealthy They Have Own Live-In Children appeared first on The Onion.

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ST. LOUIS-According to several eyewitnesses who were inside local cafe Panda Bubble Tea on Tuesday, no, 53-year-old man Aaron Strickland would not like popping boba" in his drink. Ma'am, I am a veteran, a father of two adult children, and I hold a master's degree in business administration from Washington University," said an indignant Strickland, [...]The post No, Area 53-Year-Old Would Not Like His Drink With Boba appeared first on The Onion.

Jannik Sinner, Coco Gauff, and more of the world's top tennis players are squaring off in New York for a major title in the fourth and final Grand Slam of the year. The Onion examines the key facts and figures behind the U.S. Open. 29: Ball boys worn through in the average match 1.5: Hours [...]The post The U.S. Open By The Numbers appeared first on The Onion.

AUSTIN,TX-Touting the party-line vote as a major victory for the Second Amendment, theTexasHouse of Representatives successfully blocked a bill last week that would have prevented gun stores from operating inside of hospital psychiatric wards. The government has no place infringing on the rights of honest business owners trying to sell semiautomatic handguns and rifles to [...]The post Texas BlocksLaw That Would Ban Gun Stores From Operating Inside Psych Wards appeared first on The Onion.

MINNETONKA, MN-In a medical miracle being hailed as a testament to the tenacity of the human spirit, area 53-year-old David Spotherton, who this summer was given just six more months to live, reportedly defied the odds yesterday by dying in less than two. They told my husband he would only have one more Christmas with [...]The post Man Given 6 Months To Live Beats Odds By Dying In 2 appeared first on The Onion.

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