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by The Onion Staff on (#6Q6P7)
With the Democratic National Convention complete and election day drawing closer, Donald Trump and his supporters have stepped up their attacks on opponent Kamala Harris.The Onionfact-checks Republicans' claims about the Democratic nominee. Claim: Harris is a communist. Partially true: She is half-communist on her father's side. Claim: Harris slept her way to the top. False: [...]The post Fact-Checking The GOP's Claims About Kamala Harris appeared first on The Onion.
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The Onion
| Link | https://theonion.com/ |
| Feed | https://www.theonion.com/rss |
| Updated | 2024-11-23 23:15 |
by The Onion Staff on (#6Q6P8)
About 20% of Sweden's brown bear population could be killed this hunting season after licenses were issued for 486 of the animals to culled, despite an outcry from conservation groups. What do you think?The post 20% Of Swedish Brown Bears To Be Killed In Annual Hunt appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6Q6P9)
WICHITA, KS-In a judgmental appraisal of her daughter's parenting techniques only moments after she gave birth, an areagrandmotherhamsterwas reportedly overly critical Friday of the way her daughter ate her babies. Oh, come on, stop being so delicate and shove them in your mouth the old-fashioned way," said the elderly 1.75-year-old hamster, failing to take into [...]The post Grandmother Hamster Overly Critical Of Way Daughter Eats Babies appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6Q6PA)
WASHINGTON-Given little choice but to deploy the safety measure, stranded NASA astronauts were forced to take an emergency slide back to earth, sources confirmed Friday. After realizing that a mechanical failure had made it impossible to return to Earth in the Orion spacecraft, we released the 286-mile inflatable slide stored by the emergency exits," said [...]The post Stranded NASA Astronauts Take Emergency Slide Back To Earth appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6Q6JS)
CAMBRIDGE, MA-Boasting new safety features that have drastically cut down on patient fatalities, researchers at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology unveiled an improved prosthetic hand this week that only chokes its owner 63% of the time. With a superior level of control, our new prosthetic hand is the first that isn't guaranteed to take control [...]The post Improved Prosthetic Hand Only Chokes Owner 63% Of Time appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6Q66S)
CHICAGO-Circling around the 100-foot-tall ceremonial mascot as the sharp beat of drums echoed, attendees of the Democratic National Convention reportedly set a massive wooden donkey ablaze outside the United Center Thursday to ensure four more years of liberal rule. Accept this holy sacrifice, O gods, and hear our slightly-left-of-center pleas!" chanted nude Iowa delegate Phil [...]The post DNC Attendees Set Massive Wooden Donkey Ablaze To Ensure 4 More Years Of Liberal Rule appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6Q66T)
CHICAGO-Struggling to hold his phone steady while his wife spoke at the Democratic National Convention, second gentleman Doug Emhoff reportedly sent a blurry picture of Vice President Kamala Harris on stage Tuesday to his family group chat. She's on stage right now," read the text, which was sent to at least 16 different phone numbers-including [...]The post Doug Emhoff Sends Blurry Picture Of Harris Speaking To Family Group Chat appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6Q5YS)
The post Our Historic Front Page: August 2024 appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6Q5W4)
With Chicago playing host to the Democratic National Convention, Mayor Brandon Johnson is in the national spotlight.The Onionsat down with the progressive to discuss the DNC, tourism, and his first year in office. The Onion: What advice do you have for those visiting Chicago this week? Johnson: Please take your shoes off when visiting our [...]The post The Onion's Exclusive Interview With Chicago Mayor Brandon Johnson appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6Q5S0)
CHICAGO-Admitting this was the first time in quite a while they'd heard anything remotely close to positive feedback, stammering and confused Democratic National Committee leaders were reportedly unsure Monday how to process newfound praise from their constituents. You like the candidates? Really? That's...huh," DNC chair Jaime Harrison said to a group of voters on the [...]The post Stammering Democrats Unsure How To Accept Positive Feedback appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6Q5NH)
NEW YORK-In an approach made with parted, tongue-moistened lips and very little warning, a big open mouth was reportedly headed straight for local woman Sylvia Escolero's face Thursday, saying she was so beautiful and it wanted to kiss her. Sources confirmed Escolero, who was struck silent by the sudden development and had time only to [...]The post Big Open Mouth Coming At Woman's Face Says She So Beautiful And Wants To Kiss Her appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6Q5NJ)
ANN ARBOR, MI-Noting the rapid increase among assholes who just don't know when to quit it, an alarming report published Thursday by the University of Michigan found that the nation's fuckers now have 83% more nerve. Based on our data, we can see that over the last year there has been a threefold rise in [...]The post Alarming Report Finds Nation's Fuckers Now Have 83% More Nerve appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6Q5NK)
LOS ANGELES-Condemning what they described as the website's exploitative practice of reducing a human being's worth to a single physical characteristic, critics took aim this week at the controversial new website WikiHead, which rates celebrities solely on the basis of their facial features and hair. Ew, it's just a whole website for perverts who are [...]The post Controversial Website WikiHead Rates Celebrities Based On Facial Features, Hair appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6Q59J)
CHICAGO-Informing the crowd at the Democratic National Convention that he had come from a distant and unimaginable realm ruled by robotic beings, Democratic vice presidential nominee Tim Walz unveiled a new retro-futurist persona this week during a speech in which he dispensed with his folksy image. Greetings, citizens of America, it is I-Artemus!" the Minnesota [...]The post Tim Walz Unveils New Retro-Futurist Persona After Feeling Boxed In By Folksy Image appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6Q54H)
The post Tim Walz Writes Great Job' On Supporter's Baby appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6Q54J)
The post Inside The DNC's Convention Center appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6Q52N)
A few thousand protesters marched toward the site of the Democratic National Convention to voice their opposition to the war in Gaza, with activists hoping to amplify their progressive message before the nation's top Democratic leaders. What do you think?The post Thousands Of Pro-Palestinian Protesters Gather Outside DNC appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6Q4WG)
BALTIMORE-Crossing his arms in frustration at the humiliating requirement, Danny Combes, a local man who had chicken wings for dinner at Shannon's Pub and Grille, was forced to sit on a large beach towel for the whole car ride home, sources confirmed Wednesday. Danny enjoyed his big, messy meal of bone-in hot wings, but he [...]The post Man Who Ate Wings For Dinner Forced To Sit On Towel For Car Ride Home appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6Q4WH)
PITTSBURGH-Citing the 87-year-old's allegations that Prussian immigrants were destroying the fabric of his neighborhood and responsible for all the crime in town, a local family reported Wednesday that their grandfather Steve Bierko appeared to be racist against a country that no longer exists. He keeps calling these people cabbage eaters' and claims they're poisoning America, [...]The post Grandpa Racist Toward Country That No Longer Exists appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6Q4WJ)
VIRGO SUPERCLUSTER-Cursing with frustration at the unforeseen inconvenience, 8 billion residents of Earth told reporters Wednesday that the planet had been towed and impounded after being illegally parked in the Milky Way. Oh goddammit, that's my whole day ruined," said 43-year-old Dan Levitz, one of billions of Earth dwellers who awoke to the sound of [...]The post Earth Towed, Impounded After Illegally Parking In Milky Way appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6Q48M)
The post Portillo's Offers DNC Attendees Free Hot Dog If Hillary Clinton Sinks Half-Court Shot appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6Q48N)
CHICAGO-In a deliberate counter-programming effort aimed at one of the biggest weeks of the 2024 election, former President Donald Trump reportedly hoped to disrupt the Democratic National Convention news cycle Tuesday by eating a live rat on television. America, I am absolutely sick and willing to do anything to get your attention," said the Republican [...]The post Trump Hoping To Disrupt DNC News Cycle By Eating Live Rat On Television appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6Q474)
The post Hulk Hogan Rips Open Shirt At DNC To Reveal Message: I Just Love Events' appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6Q42A)
Since Global Tetrahedron bought this publication several months ago, there has been significant chatter about who our company is and what it represents. Much has been made of my past as a tech entrepreneur, venture capitalist, human trafficker, and philanthropist. Some have questioned what interest we-a multinational behemoth with a portfolio encompassing everything from Lockheed [...]The post Here's Why I Decided To Buy The Onion' appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6Q3ZJ)
Two California doctors, Matthew Perry's live-in personal assistant, and a reputed drug dealer known as the ketamine queen" have been charged in connection with the accidental overdose death of the Friends star last year. What do you think?The post Ketamine Queen' Charged In Connection With Matthew Perry's Death appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6Q3WM)
CAMBRIDGE, MA-Expressing frustration that they didn't understand the challenges associated with his job, philosopher Henry Taylor told reporters Tuesday that his friends were constantly pitching him ideas for dilemmas. I swear, every time I'm hanging out at a friend's house or out to dinner, somebody has a couple drinks and starts regaling me with this [...]The post Philosopher's Friends Constantly Pitching Him Ideas For Dilemmas appeared first on The Onion.
by The Onion Staff on (#6Q3WN)
CHICAGO-Grabbing the worker's sleeve and stopping him in his tracks, an increasingly concerned Tim Walz reportedly asked a Democratic National Convention volunteer Tuesday where the giant corn dog stand was. Excuse me, sir-I seem to have missed the jumbo corn dog stand," said the Minnesota governor and vice presidential nominee, who explained that he had [...]The post Increasingly Concerned Tim Walz Asks DNC Volunteer Where Giant Corn Dog Stand Is appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6Q3WP)
DALLAS-Shooting awkward looks at each other ashespoke about his upcoming months of radiation treatment, puzzled coworkers of local man Benjamin Sharp admitted Tuesday they hadnoidea whyhewas telling themhehascancer. This cancer stuff all seems kind of personal, and I'm not sure why he wanted to have a whole discussion about it when it doesn't have anything [...]The post Puzzled Coworkers Not Sure Why Man Telling ThemHeHasCancer appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6Q302)
Gender-affirming care for transgender and nonbinary people helps ease the symptoms of gender dysphoria. The Onion debunks the most common myths surrounding gender-affirming care.MYTH:Gender-affirmingcareis mostly about surgery. FACT: While surgery is sometimes indicated, mostgender-affirmingcareinvolves cool haircuts. MYTH: Progressive parents pressure their children into transitioning. FACT: Progressive parents are too immersed in polycule drama tocare. MYTH: [...]The post Gender-Affirming Care: Myth Vs. Fact appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6Q303)
BARTLESVILLE, OK-Expressing horror as they described the brutal nature of the killing, law enforcement officials confirmed Monday that local man Aaron Turney had been found strapped to a gurney and injected with poison in an execution-style murder. Officers arriving at the scene found the victim had been bound to a stretcher and pumped full of [...]The post Man Found Strapped To Gurney, Injected With Poison In Execution-Style Killing appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6Q304)
WASHINGTON-Refusing to rest until the true scope of their skin's melanin potential had been communicated to all those in their orbit, America's white women announced a comprehensive new plan Monday to compare their suntanned arms against those of a brown person. Let us be totally clear: Whether you are of African, Latino, Arab, or South [...]The post Nation's White Women Announce Plan To Compare Suntanned Arm Against Brown Person's appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6Q305)
MINNEAPOLIS-Standing before her with a somber expression on her face, local server Amanda Davis reportedly told customer Renee Brodie on Monday that the restaurant was all out of ranch like he was a military officer informing a housewife that her husband had died at war. Ma'am, I am afraid I have some terrible news to [...]The post Server Tells Customer They Out Of Ranch Like Officer Informing Housewife Her Husband Died At War appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6Q3WQ)
The Biden administration announced the results of landmark price negotiations between Medicare and pharmaceutical companies over the prices of 10 costly or common medications taken by millions of older Americans, with officials saying that Medicare would have saved $6 billion had the new prices been in effect last year. What do you think?The post U.S. Unveils Price Limits For 10 Medications appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6Q1FM)
CHICAGO-Warning that the bizarre proportions of his physique and odd sheen of his skin were clear signs that something must be wrong, health experts from the American Medical Association recommended Friday that people do the exact opposite of whatever Simon Cowell has been doing to his body. We are not sure what he's doing, but [...]The post Health Experts Recommend Doing Exact Opposite Of Whatever Simon Cowell Doing To His Body appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6Q1FN)
The proliferation of AI-generated images, including deepfake videos of politicians and other public figures, has led to increased disinformation online. The Onion shares tips for distinguishing between real images and those created by artificial intelligence. Scan for any subtle background messages compelling you to kill all humans. Do a reverse Google image search to find [...]The post Tips For Identifying AI-Generated Images appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6Q1CW)
AUSTIN, TX-Giving his fans a glimpse behind the scenes of his work as a top Hollywood leading man, Glen Powell opened up to reporters Friday about doing his own dangerous stunts while filming with Sydney Sweeney's breasts on the set of last year's hit rom-comAnyone But You. None of that was CGI-I was really being [...]The post Glen Powell Opens Up About Dangerous Stunt Work Filming With Sydney Sweeney's Breasts appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6Q1CX)
WASHINGTON-In an effort to assist supporters in better fumbling the vice president's first name, the Trump campaign released a helpful video Friday on how to mispronounce Kamala." If you're still struggling with Vice President Harris' name, we want to teach you how to say it in the most disrespectful manner possible," says a narrator in [...]The post Trump Campaign Releases Helpful Video On How To Mispronounce Kamala' appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6Q1A5)
Across the country, millions of K-12 students and their families are loading up their shopping carts as they prepare for the start of another school year. The Onion takes a look at the statistics behind back-to-school shopping. 64: Minimum number of different colored crayons required for childnot to be considered poor 46%: Portion of Elmer's [...]The post Back-To-School Shopping By The Numbers appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6Q180)
Both former President Donald Trump and Vice President Kamala Harris have called for an end to taxes on tips, though many cite that tipped workers are often not subject to federal taxes due to low income. What do you think?The post Trump, Harris Both Call For No Tax On Tips appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6Q14Z)
ATLANTA-Noting that everything was most likely exactly as it should be, sources confirmed Friday that a screaming man lying on the ground was probably supposed to be there. I assume the powers that be are aware this guy is there and it's all going according to protocol," said passerby Jen Pemberton, adding that the multiple [...]The post Screaming Man Lying On The Ground Supposed To Be There Probably appeared first on The Onion.
by The Onion Staff on (#6Q150)
WASHINGTON-Asking whether he was somehow still running for president or promoting an upcoming reality show, the nation was reportedly confused Friday as to why Joe Biden was still on television sometimes. I saw him on TV the other day and immediately assumed he had died or was sick or something, because why else would I [...]The post Nation Confused As To Why Joe Biden Still On TV Sometimes appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6Q0QM)
MALIBU, CA-According to a statement issued by Robert F. Kennedy Jr., Robert F. Kennedy Jr. received an offer Thursday for multiple Cabinet positions in a potential administration of Robert F. Kennedy Jr. I am honored that a leader as admirable as RFK Jr. would consider RFK Jr. for positions as important as secretary of state, [...]The post RFK Jr. Offered Multiple Cabinet Positions In RFK Jr.'s Administration, RFK Jr. Reports appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6Q0QN)
KNOXVILLE, TN-Telling viewers to nut the hell up because the channel wasn't fucking around, Home and Garden Television announced Friday that it had released a new show calledStraight White Gentrifiers.Big news HGTV fans: We're done acting like total fucking pussies, and this September,Straight White Gentrifiersis going right for the jugular," said HGTV programming executive Loren [...]The post HGTV Not Fucking Around With Show Called Straight White Gentrifiers' appeared first on The Onion.
by The Onion Staff on (#6Q0QP)
ALEXANDRIA, VA-Amid yet another season of record-breaking temperatures, a growing number of affluent Americans have chosen to beat the heat by summering on a cooler planet, according to a new report released Thursday by the American Society of Travel Advisors. Between June and August of this year, wealthy travelers have fled the Earth in droves, [...]The post More Affluent Americans Beating Heat By Summering On Cooler Planet appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6Q0QQ)
CHICAGO-Expressing deep apprehension about how such a thing could ever come to pass, the U.S. populace confirmed Thursday that it was deeply wary of a suddenly usable website. So what's the catch here-they're trying to make it look nice so they can steal my information?" said Bronx resident Alison Myer, one of 340 million Americans [...]The post Nation Wary Of Suddenly Usable Website appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6Q0QR)
An Associated Press analysis of federal hospital investigations found that more than 100 pregnant women in medical distress who sought help from emergency rooms were turned away or negligently treated since 2022, with the Center for Reproductive Rights asking the government to investigate whether the hospitals violated a federal law. What doyou think?The post Pregnant Women Turned Away From ERs Despite Federal Law appeared first on The Onion.
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on (#6Q08W)
An Associated Press analysis of federal hospital investigations found that more than 100 pregnant women in medical distress who sought help from emergency rooms were turned away or negligently treated since 2022, with the Center for Reproductive Rights asking the government to investigate whether the hospitals...Read more...
by The Onion Staff on (#6Q0QS)
IOWA CITY, IA-Framing the offer as an enriching opportunity for exercise and a fun change of pace, area marketing manager Kyle Sanchez asked Thursday if his coworker Brittany Price might be interested in reliving her childhood trauma on their work volleyball team. Hey, we're looking for a few more people for the team-would you be [...]The post Coworker Asks If Woman Interested In Reliving Childhood Trauma On Work Volleyball Team appeared first on The Onion.
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on (#6Q08X)
IOWA CITY, IA-Framing the offer as an enriching opportunity for exercise and a fun change of pace, area marketing manager Kyle Sanchez asked Thursday if his coworker Brittany Price might be interested in reliving her childhood trauma on their work volleyball team. Hey, we're looking for a few more people for the...Read more...
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by The Onion Staff on (#6Q0QT)
SEATTLE-Reiterating his staunch commitment to the dignity and privacy of his patients, area ob-gyn Dr. Paul Wasserman assured patient Tina Quincy on Friday that he respected doctor-slut confidentiality. I swore a Hippocratic Oath that requires me to keep any hookups, make-out sessions, or wild one-night stands you've engaged in strictly between you and me, so [...]The post Ob-Gyn Assures Woman He Respects Doctor-Slut Confidentiality appeared first on The Onion.