The Onion

General Secretary of the Chinese Communist Party Xi Jinping died from cancer complications at 72 this weekend, but the rest of the bought-and-sold press will never tell you that.The post General Secretary of the Chinese Communist Party Xi Jinping appeared first on The Onion.

Grey's Anatomy first premiered on March 27, 2005. In honor of 20 years on the air and the series' upcoming 22nd season, The Onion looks back on some of the medical drama's best and worst episodes of all time. Best: Patrick Dempsey Lists the Major Symptoms of Strep Throat" (Season 2, Episode 11) To this [...]The post The Best And Worst Grey's Anatomy' Episodes Of All Time appeared first on The Onion.

LOS ANGELES-In a groundbreaking finding that reveals a major shift in media consumption habits, a new study published Wednesday found that young people now watch more YouTube content than zoetropes of galloping horses. It may be hard for older generations to understand, but today's young consumers are much more interested in watching videos on their [...]The post Study Finds Young People Now Watch More YouTube Content Than Zoetropes Of Galloping Horses appeared first on The Onion.

NEW YORK-As part of what the telecommunications giant characterizes as an ongoing commitment to transparency, Verizon's customer service line began informing users this week that their calls would be monitored for the company's sadistic amusement. By staying on the line, you consent to being roundly mocked by a boardroom of executives who cackle maniacally over [...]The post Customer Service Discloses Call Will Be Monitored For Sadistic Amusement appeared first on The Onion.

Well, this is super embarrassing. It looks like I must have gotten myself pretty turned around back there and totally missed My destination. I hate to ask, but I was hoping I could catch a ride back to Earth with you guys, because I somehow wound up returning to Mars by accident. I know, I [...]The post Can You Guys Come Pick Me Up? I Accidentally Returned To Mars appeared first on The Onion.

The actual house where Illinois State University sophomores Andy Webber and Tina Gomez shot their 19-minute student film, Rest In Pete. Reference #90835The post As Featured In Film appeared first on The Onion.

Guests spent the evening wondering why, if Chase's family is so loaded, there's only one guy working behind the bar.The post Harris Thompson and Brad Chase appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-In the wake of the Trump administration's decision to require employers to pay a $100,000 fee in order to hire immigrant physicians on H-1B visas, clinics closures across rural America this week have reportedly forced many residents to rely on a horse who stomps twice when a patient has cancer. Without access to board-certified oncologists [...]The post Clinic Closures Force More Rural Americans To Rely On Horse Who Stomps Twice When Patient Has Cancer appeared first on The Onion.

CINCINNATI-Saying the man's reputation was unlikely ever to recover from the embarrassment, sources confirmed Tuesday that local accountant Josh Hunter had completely humiliated himself at his company's holiday party by telling his coworkers he appreciated them. It's normal to have a couple of drinks during the festivities, but Josh made a total ass of himself [...]The post Man Humiliates Himself At Holiday Party By Telling Coworkers He Appreciates Them appeared first on The Onion.

BOERNE, TX-Providing an underwhelming new dining option for those returning to visit family in the area, people who grew up in a small Texas suburb were informed this week that their hometown had unveiled a disappointing local microbrewery.You like those IPAs, right? They supposedly got lots of those," said one family member, revealing that the [...]The post Hometown Unveils Disappointing Microbrewery appeared first on The Onion.

PHILADELPHIA-In an effort to earn extra income after Congress rescinded $1.1 billion in funds from the Corporation for Public Broadcasting, Fresh Air host Terry Gross reportedly conducted an interview Thursday via Bluetooth during an Uber shift.And what can you tell us about how bull riding has changed since-oh shit, that was my exit. Yep, that [...]The post Terry Gross Conducts Fresh Air' Interview On Bluetooth During Uber Shift appeared first on The Onion.

HIRAIZUMI- CH, NISHIIWAI, IWATE, JAPAN- Struggling to decide whether one on fall or spring would rock their shit more, Zen monk Ken Ito strained for a haiku to knock them on their asses. I could mess them up with that Bash one about the full moon's splendor," the Buddhist monk said Wednesday, seeing a tour [...]The post Japanese Monk Racks<br/>Brain For Haiku That Will Knock<br/>Them On Their Asses appeared first on The Onion.

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LOS GATOS, CA-In an attempt to fend off growing competition from Paramount and Netflix, Plex CEO Keith Valory announced Monday that the streaming platform had submitted a $35 bid for Warner Bros. Discovery. We believe the Harry Potter and DC universes will prove excellent additions to our slate of free-to-stream titles including Petticoat Junction and [...]The post Plex Submits $35 Bid For Warner Bros. appeared first on The Onion.

President Trump continues to make misleading statements about affordability despite the Consumer Price Index indicating an increase in costs for many goods and services. The Onion assesses the veracity of the president's claims. Claim: The cost of living is low. True: The cost of living is much lower than what it will be in a [...]The post Fact-Checking Trump On Affordability appeared first on The Onion.

THE ARCTIC CIRCLE-With a vow to destroy the abomination she had created if it was the last thing she ever did, television host Oprah Winfrey has spent weeks on a ship pursuing Dr. Phil through the Arctic, sources reported Tuesday. Sailors aboard the vessel confirmed that while Winfrey appeared ill and exhausted from continuous exposure [...]The post Oprah Pursues Dr. Phil On Ship Through Arctic appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-During a confrontation in which it was firmly reiterated that the front entrance was for approved personnel only, Vice President JD Vance was once again reminded by White House security to use the service door, sources confirmed Tuesday. Whoa, whoa, whoa, stop right there. You know the rule. You'll need to use the service entrance [...]The post JD Vance Reminded To Use White House Service Entrance appeared first on The Onion.

This 3-by-4-inch plastic dish is a perfect place for you to sleep and live if you are a block of hand soap. If you are not a block of hand soap, this would likely not be a good place for you, unfortunately. Contact now! Reference #57675The post Great Home For Hand Soap appeared first on The Onion.

LOS ANGELES-In a shockingly personal attack on the actor's arches, filmmaker Quentin Tarantino made comments Friday slamming Paul Dano as the worst actor on Wikifeet. Paul Dano's got the weakest soles on Wikifeet," Tarantino said during a podcast appearance, calling Dano's feet nasty, gnarled stompers" compared to a peer like Austin Butler's gorgeous, five-star tootsies." [...]The post Quentin Tarantino Slams Paul Dano As Worst Actor On Wikifeet appeared first on The Onion.

ARLINGTON, VA-Describing the incident as a split-second operational judgment made under rapidly evolving conditions, Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth invoked the fog of war" Thursday to explain why he urinated inside a Pentagon break room refrigerator. In the heat of the moment, you've got to make a decision, and sometimes that decision is imperfect," said Hegseth, [...]The post Pete Hegseth Invokes Fog Of War' After Pissing In Break Room Refrigerator appeared first on The Onion.

NEW YORK-Confirming his new film fell somewhere between fact and fiction, director Josh Safdie explained to reporters Friday that Marty Supreme was a slight dramatization of LeBron James' life. I wouldn't call it a biopic, exactly, but yes, Marty Supreme is about King James," said the filmmaker, who sought to dispel any confusion surrounding the [...]The post Marty Supreme' Director Explains Film Slight Dramatization Of Real-Life LeBron James appeared first on The Onion.

In the world of business, integrity is everything. There has to be a baseline level of trust, or the entire system collapses. That's why I make honesty a top priority in my professional life, even in situations where bending the truth a little would be to my personal benefit. For example, I would never misrepresent [...]The post I'd Sooner Let My Family Starve Than Exaggerate My Marketing Experience On My Resume appeared first on The Onion.

Tensions between the United States and Venezuela are escalating, with President Trump stating that land strikes on drug traffickers could come very soon." The Onion examines the pros and cons of entering a war against Venezuela. PRO Caracas" fun to say Raises total number of countries Americans can name to respectable nine Would be nice [...]The post Pros And Cons Of War With Venezuela appeared first on The Onion.

VATICAN CITY-In a milestone many Roman Catholics hope will bring the church into the 21st century, Vatican officials issued a statement Tuesday formally recognizing Generation Z's first demon.For his innovative use of digital communications to torment and possess the Christian faithful, Melapheus, better known by his online handle DiabolusMel, is hereby accorded full demonhood," Pope [...]The post Vatican Formally Recognizes FirstGen Z Demon appeared first on The Onion.

The bride and groom want to call what happened on Saturday a wedding, but it wasn't even in a church-and they both wore tennis shoes!The post Reyna Cobb and Luke Butler appeared first on The Onion.

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Heated Rivalry, a new Canadian romance series, has exploded in popularity since it premiered on HBO Max last week. Here is everything you need to know about the show. Q: What is the plot? A: Two men have a steamy sexual affair despite not being vampires or elf nobility or anything. Q: Where does it [...]The post What To Know About Heated Rivalry' appeared first on The Onion.

INDIANAPOLIS-Suggesting there were some deals even cancer researchers couldn't say no to, a new study published Thursday by the American Society of Preventative Oncology found that processed meats were carcinogenic but were also on sale. Our evidence indicates that while common deli items like salami, bacon, and corned beef have strong links to cancer, they [...]The post Study Finds Processed Meats Carcinogenic But They Were On Sale appeared first on The Onion.

COLUMBIA, MO-In a display of enthusiasm that revealed a deep familiarity with the subject, local man Luke Price was said to be totally nerding out Thursday about the idea of white supremacy. According to sources, the 26-year-old sales associate and self-described Ubermensch rattled off a dozen esoteric theories of racial hierarchy and eagerly asserted the [...]The post Man Totally Nerding Out About Superiority Of White Race appeared first on The Onion.

SALT LAKE CITY-With top lawmakers championing the measure as a restoration of Christian values currently under attack in mainstream America, the Utah State Legislature passed a bill Monday that bans all eye contact during sex.Looking directly into another person's eyes while being physically intimate is a sick and unholy act," said Utah Gov. Spencer Cox, [...]The post Utah Bans Eye Contact During Sex appeared first on The Onion.

Mike Gomez, 50, died Friday after learning that even a saltwater crocodile can be pushed too far.The post Mike Gomez appeared first on The Onion.

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SPOKANE, WA-Lamenting that she still hadn't found the bug-eyed man-child of her dreams, area bachelorette Louise Perkins confirmed Tuesday that she was growing tired of constantly looking for Mr. Bean. It seems like all my friends are settling down with buffoonish, mishap-prone men, but no matter how many dates I go on, I just can't [...]The post Single Woman Tired Of Looking For Mr. Bean appeared first on The Onion.

SILVER SPRING, MD-Praising the drug's ability to quickly and effectively increase fatalities amongst the nation's opioid users, the U.S. Food and Drug Administration approved a new nasal spray Wednesday capable of reversing the effects of Narcan. The compound, called noroxone, was reportedly approved by the FDA as part of a broader effort to combat a [...]The post FDA Approves New Drug That ReversesEffectsOf Narcan appeared first on The Onion.

You used to dream of couch-surfing across the world, untethered and unbothered, and now here you are, seriously considering an HOA townhouse. Reference #17806The post Look Who You've Become appeared first on The Onion.

After years of planning their wedding, the pair were united in marriage within an hour of the bride being legally able to consent.The post Elisa Geoffries and Daniel Walter appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Touting his latest executive order as a historic win for the U.S. economy, President Donald Trump announced Friday that he was mandating a 5,000% increase in all numbers nationwide. Effective immediately, 100 will now be 5,100 and-I'm reading off the official statistics from my people-500 will be 25,500," said Trump, speaking from the Oval Office [...]The post Trump Announces 5,000%Increase In All Numbers appeared first on The Onion.

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Rosalia's fourth studio album, Lux, has been met with critical acclaim, cracking the Billboard top 10 for the first time in the Spanish pop star's career. The Onion shares everything you need to know about the artist. Genre: Musica Musical Influences: Traditional Spanish TikToks Who She's Beefing With: B-flat Frequent Collaborator: King Ferdinand V Controversies: [...]The post Artist Profile: Rosalia appeared first on The Onion.