 |
by The Onion Staff on (#6TC9V)
LOS ANGELES-Reminding his son that he won't be on the roster forever, Los Angeles Lakers star LeBron James reportedly began pressuring Bronny to have grandchildren before he's too old to play with them in the NBA, sources confirmed Monday. You know, son, I'm not getting any younger, and I want to be able to pick [...]The post LeBron Pressures Bronny To Have Grandchildren Before He's Too Old To Play With Them In NBA appeared first on The Onion.
|
The Onion
| Link | https://theonion.com/ |
| Feed | https://www.theonion.com/rss |
| Updated | 2025-04-02 23:48 |
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#6TC0R)
With the start of a new year, millions of Americans are honing in on their fitness goals and returning to the gym, including the weight room floor. The Onion dispels the common myths many people have about strength training. MYTH: Training with free weights is more effective than training with machines. FACT: Machines are actually [...]The post Strength Training: Myth Vs. Fact appeared first on The Onion.
|
 |
 |
Report: Terrible Thing That Just Popped Into Your Head Would Make Loved Ones Turn On You Immediately
by The Onion Staff on (#6TC0T)
NEW YORK-According to a report released Friday by experts who know all about what has been happening in your mind for the past few seconds, the terrible thing that just popped into your head would make your loved ones turn on you immediately. Everyone you know, everyone you care for, would abandon you instantly if [...]The post Report: Terrible Thing That Just Popped Into Your Head Would Make Loved Ones Turn On You Immediately appeared first on The Onion.
|
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#6TC0V)
STANFORD, CA-In response to seeing what the pollinators were capable of in the 1991 coming-of-age drama, ecologists at Stanford University issued a statement Monday calling for the extinction of bees after they watchedMy Girl. Upon observing the heartbreaking scene in which Macaulay Culkin's character Thomas J. is attacked and ultimately killed by a swarm of [...]The post Ecologists Call For Bee Extinction After Watching My Girl' appeared first on The Onion.
|
by The Onion Staff on (#6TBXS)
A man is suing the California Lottery alleging that he has not received part of his winnings from a nearly $400 million Mega Millions jackpot after he located one of his winning tickets but not the other. What do you think?The post Man Sues Lottery After Losing Winning Ticket appeared first on The Onion.
by The Onion Staff on (#6TAYE)
The National Labor Relations Board issued a complaint against the hit reality show Love Is Blind in which it classified the show's contestants as employees, opening a case that could have ripple effects across the reality television industry. What do you think?The post Labor Board Classifies Love Is Blind' Contestants As Employees appeared first on The Onion.
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#6TAP6)
Timothee Chalamet stars as Bob Dylan in the new biopic A Complete Unknown, based on the book Dylan Goes Electric. The Onion sat down with Chalamet to discuss the film. The Onion: What about playing Bob Dylan most intrigued you? Chalamet: I was definitely drawn to his characteristic raspy voice because it's similar to mine [...]The post The Onion's Exclusive Interview With Timothee Chalamet appeared first on The Onion.
|
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#6TAHY)
CHATEAU DE CHAMBORD-Asserting that such uncouth behavior brings shame upon the glorious lineage of a court that can be traced back 12 generations, a breaking report released Friday stated that you forget yourself with such impropriety, viscount! According to sources who hold a hallowed position within this palace, you must take hold of your senses [...]The post Breaking: You Forget Yourself, Viscount! appeared first on The Onion.
|
by The Onion Staff on (#6TAAE)
A study published in the British Journal Of Sports Medicine found that short bursts of movement throughout the day, no matter how small, can help the heart, especially for women. What do you think?The post Study: Few Bursts Of Vigorous Movement May Cut Women's Heart Risks appeared first on The Onion.
by The Onion Staff on (#6T9W4)
A man has sustained serious injuries after rescuing his wife who was ambushed by a polar bear in an early morning attack, leaping on to the animal to prevent an attack after the woman slipped to the ground. What do you think?The post Man Injured Protecting Wife From Polar Bear appeared first on The Onion.
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#6T9MR)
With the start of a new year, many Americans will be engaging in new fitness routines, with jogging being among the most popular. Here are tips for finding the selecting running shoes. Decide the level of cushioning based on if you're a back runner, side runner, or stomach runner. Go up a size to leave [...]The post Tips For Picking Out Running Shoes appeared first on The Onion.
|
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#6T9MS)
CHARLESTON, SC-Remarking that the unexpected moment of solitude was good enough for him," local man Alan Stambaugh told reporters Thursday that eating lunch without headphones counted as mediating. In terms of practicing mindfulness, accidentally leaving my AirPods at my desk when I went to eat my sandwich basically did the job," said Stambaugh, adding that [...]The post Man Decides Eating Lunch Without Headphones On Counts As Meditating appeared first on The Onion.
|
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#6T9MT)
CHICAGO-Acknowledging that candy-coated batteries were an iconic part of the brand's legacy, Duracell announced Thursday that it would be removing frosting and sprinkles from its manufacturing process to discourage children from eating the company's products. When parents shared with us their concerns about our practice of selling batteries with delicious, sugary toppings, we listened," said [...]The post Duracell Removes Frosting, Sprinkles To Discourage Kids From Eating Batteries appeared first on The Onion.
|
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#6T9J6)
The post Cultivate A Growth Mindset' And 40 Other Phrases That Give Sad Sacks Like You False Hope appeared first on The Onion.
|
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#6T930)
WASHINGTON-At long last able to rejoice as its days of wandering in a culinary desert reached an end, the nation's turkey-weary populace has made a triumphant return to eating shrimp, crustacean-munching sources confirmed Wednesday. Thanksgiving was tough, Christmas was even tougher, but at last our freezers are free of turkey leftovers and shrimp can return [...]The post Turkey-Weary Nation Makes Triumphant Return To Eating Shrimp appeared first on The Onion.
|
by The Onion Staff on (#6T8ZZ)
Coffee beans are hitting record-high prices not seen in nearly 50 years after difficult growing seasons among some of the world's top-producing regions. What do you think?The post Coffee Prices Rise To 50-Year Highs appeared first on The Onion.
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#6T8DT)
NORFOLK, VA-In what is being hailed as a huge milestone in the development of the man's verbal skills, sources confirmed Tuesday that Mark Peterbaum, the husband of a local woman's cousin, said his first word during a visit with extended family over the holidays. As far as any of us could tell, Mark didn't know [...]The post Cousin's Husband Says First Word appeared first on The Onion.
|
by The Onion Staff on (#6T8DS)
A new Pew Research poll found that 57% of adults said they would prefer to live in a community with larger houses, even if schools, stores and restaurants are several miles away. What do you think?The post Majority Of Americans Prefer Sprawl To Walkable Cities appeared first on The Onion.
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#6T7W0)
Three years after it first premiered, Squid Game is returning to Netflix. Here is what you need to know about the second season of the hit dystopian drama. Q: When is it coming out? A: At the exact moment when you get kicked off your ex's Netflix account. Q: Will this season also require audiences [...]The post What To Know About Squid Game' Season 2 appeared first on The Onion.
|
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#6T7W1)
CHICAGO-Insisting that he thought what he had seen was great despite his complete lack of experience with the visual art form, local man Nick Tyler reportedly lied Monday about having seen any movies at all in order to impress his friends. Oh yeah, it's so fantastic how the images moved and there was audio and [...]The post Man Lies About Having Seen Any Movies At All To Impress Friends appeared first on The Onion.
|
by The Onion Staff on (#6T7W2)
Despite a federal program designed to clear backlogs of DNA evidence from rape cases, state and local officials around the country chose not to test about 20% of kits and secured few convictions from those that were analyzed. What do you think?The post 20% Of Rape Kits Remain Untested Despite Federal Funding appeared first on The Onion.
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#6T7W3)
MINNEAPOLIS-Cackling in gleeful anticipation, the staff at local gym Verve Fitness reportedly installed confusing new equipment Monday to mess with anyone joining in January. Good luck getting back in shape, idiots-you'll never figure out how to use all these pulleys," said fitness director Kyle Cates, who showed off the newly renovated cardio floor where the [...]The post Gym Installs Confusing New Equipment To Mess With Anyone Joining In January appeared first on The Onion.
|
by The Onion Staff on (#6T7S9)
Wisdom, a Laysan albatross and the world's oldest known wild bird, laid an egg at the approximate age of 74, a feat given that members of the species usually only live for 12-40 years. What do you think?The post World's Oldest Known Wild Bird Lays Egg At 74 appeared first on The Onion.
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#6T7W4)
The holiday season is here, meaning millions are celebrating by indulging in festive beverages and big meals. The Onion shares tips for avoiding gaining weight over the holidays. Incorporate physical activity into family gatherings by announcing I'm gonna do a backflip" as soon as you arrive. Buy whatever supplement the doctors with podcasts are currently [...]The post Tips For Avoiding Holiday Weight Gain appeared first on The Onion.
|
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#6T7EG)
The post 48-Year-Old Rabbit Finally Finishes The Job appeared first on The Onion.
|
by The Onion Staff on (#6T6RV)
The United Kingdom indefinitely banned new prescriptions of puberty blockers to treat minors for gender dysphoria, with the announcement coming soon after the U.S. Supreme Court heard oral arguments in a case involving similar state bans on transition-related care. What do you think?The post Britain Bans Puberty Blockers For Transgender Minors appeared first on The Onion.
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#6T65Y)
VATICAN CITY-Speaking to reporters in front of Saint Peter's Holy Vape House in the heart of downtown, Pope Francis spoke out this week against the legal head shops he decried are overrunning Vatican City. You can't walk the colonnade without passing a cluttered window display with a bunch of bongs and a painting of a [...]The post Pope Francis Decries Legal Head Shops Overrunning Vatican City appeared first on The Onion.
|
by The Onion Staff on (#6T65X)
An unidentified disease with flu-like symptoms has killed dozens of people in the Democratic Republic of Congo, with unknown illness having led to the death of at least 79 people and sickened 376. What do you think?The post Mysterious Illness In Congo Kills Dozens appeared first on The Onion.
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#6T65W)
The post Arthritic Dog Limping Through Park Like AT-AT appeared first on The Onion.
|
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#6T5MF)
WASHINGTON-Noting that the fasteners commonly found on most trousers were not merely ornamental, Surgeon General Vivek Murthy issued an advisory to the American public Thursday in which he clarified that people were supposed to be able to button their pants. It should be a smooth effortless action that involves no protracted struggle to connect the [...]The post SurgeonGeneral: You Are Supposed To Be Able To Button Your Pants' appeared first on The Onion.
|
by The Onion Staff on (#6T5ME)
A man was shot and killed by police after allegedly threatening residents and staff of a suburban assisted living facility with a chainsaw, with officers attempting to tase the man before eventually firing after he continued trying to attack others with the chainsaw. What do you think?The post Chainsaw-Wielding Man Shot By Officers At Assisted Living Center appeared first on The Onion.
by The Onion Staff on (#6T596)
Senator Rand Paul (R-KY) is floating Elon Musk to be Speaker of the House after the powerful tech billionaire helped torpedo a bipartisan agreement on a short-term spending bill, a move made possible by the fact that the Constitution does not specify that the House Speaker must be a member of the chamber. What do [...]The post Rand Paul Floats Elon Musk For House Speaker appeared first on The Onion.
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#6T597)
Mariah Carey's All I Want for Christmas Is You" turns 30 years old this holiday season. The Onion looks back on Mariah Carey's career in honor of the Christmas hit. 4 B.C.: The son of God is delivered unto man, and the Lord in Heaven dispatches an angel to sing his word each solstice hitherto. [...]The post Mariah Carey: A Career Timeline appeared first on The Onion.
|
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#6T56R)
CHARLOTTE, NC-After finding only a large, plain envelope with his name on it under the tree, local foster child Dylan Mayfield reportedly began to worry Wednesday that the few measly sheets of paper solidifying his adoption would be his only Christmas present this year. That was a really nice gesture and all, and they seemed [...]The post Foster Child Hopes Adoption Papers Not His Only Christmas Gift appeared first on The Onion.
|
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#6T56Q)
LEAWOOD, KS-Taking the rumpled package out from behind his back, an excitedTravisKelcereportedly surprised girlfriendTaylorSwiftWednesday by handing awrapped,football-shapedgift to the pop super star.Here you go, babe," said the 35-year-old Kansas City Chiefs tight end who watched eagerly as Swift regarded the oblong, sloppily wrappedpackage. A special Christmas present, just for my sweetheart. I think you're really [...]The post TravisKelceExcitedlyHandsTaylorSwiftWrappedFootball-ShapedGift appeared first on The Onion.
|
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#6T4V8)
An estimated 120 million packages are stolen every year. With holiday shopping in full swing,The Onion shares tips for preventing package theft. Ask neighbors to keep an eye out for any packages they'd like to steal themselves. Have your packages sent to a P.O. box so that you won't pick them up either. Employ a [...]The post Tips For Preventing Package Theft appeared first on The Onion.
|
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#6T4C5)
EAST RUTHERFORD, NJ-With security checkpoints having been set up near every exit, New York Jets fans were reportedly stopped and asked to sign nondisclosure agreements Sunday before leaving MetLife Stadium. By signing this document, you are agreeing that you will never discuss the details of what happened on that field today with anyone outside of [...]The post Jets Fans Required To Sign NDA Before Leaving Stadium appeared first on The Onion.
|
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#6T3ZX)
LAS VEGAS-Stressing how much it meant to Mrs. Claus' sister to be included for the first time in the family business, Santa Claus confirmed Monday that as their present this year, all children would be receiving one of the bags of glitter labeled fairy dust" that his sister-in-law sells on Etsy. We're excited that on [...]The post Santa Confirms Everyone Getting Bag Of Glitter Labeled Fairy Dust' His Sister-In-Law Sells On Etsy appeared first on The Onion.
|
by The Onion Staff on (#6T3ZW)
Scientists have for the first time created mouse stem cells from the genes of a single-celled life form, using these newly generated stem cells to help form a living, breathing mouse from a developing embryo. What do you think?The post Scientists Create Mouse Using Single-Celled Organism appeared first on The Onion.
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#6T2VE)
Millions of parents across the U.S. are scrambling to complete their holiday shopping. In honor of the season, The Onion looks at the history of the most popular Christmas toys. 1877: Millions of trees are felled across the country to keep up with children's demands for woodcuts of President Rutherford B. Hayes. 1933: Do you [...]The post Timeline Of Trendy Christmas Toys appeared first on The Onion.
|
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#6T2MF)
Pete Hegseth, Trump's pick to lead the Pentagon, has refused to withdraw his nomination amidst allegations of financial mismanagement and sexual misconduct. Here is what you need to know about the Defense Secretary nominee's background. Marital Status: Third wife, 12th affair Military Rank: Goon Speaking Style: Eight drinks in Hairstyle: Speaking role in American Psycho [...]The post Political Profile: Pete Hegseth appeared first on The Onion.
|
by The Onion Staff on (#6T2HQ)
First lady Jill Biden announced that she is stepping down from her teaching position at Northern Virginia Community College, capping off over 40 years of teaching in both high school and community college classrooms. What do you think?The post Jill Biden Leaves Teaching Post appeared first on The Onion.
by The Onion Staff on (#6T2HR)
Russian Lieutenant General Igor Kirillov, who was chief of Russia's Nuclear, Biological and Chemical Protection Troops, was killed outside a Moscow apartment building when a bomb hidden in an electric scooter went off, with Ukraine taking credit in the most high-profile killing of its kind. What do you think?The post Top Russian General Killed By Bomb appeared first on The Onion.
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#6T2EJ)
Question for Jeanketeers: Who do you write to if you want to get things to stop changing? Congress? Or influencers, like a lady I spotted the other day in the Walgreens parking lot filming herself in her car yelling? Just asking for a friend (name of Dale Jeanstea!) who would like change to chill out [...]The post AI? Ai-Yai-Yai! appeared first on The Onion.
|
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#6T2EM)
MILWAUKEE-Noticing the discolored places where different letters had once adorned the decoration, area woman Paula Jackson observed Friday that the faded outline of an ex-girlfriend's name was still visible on the Christmas stocking given to her by her boyfriend's mom. At first I thought maybe Jessica' was just the brand name of the stocking, but [...]The post Faded Outline Of Ex-Girlfriend's Name Still Visible On Stocking appeared first on The Onion.
|
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#6T2EK)
CLEVELAND-Screaming with delight when the rarely seen star appeared onscreen in the opening scene of the film, sources confirmed Thursday that, holy shit, Daniel Day-Lewis is in this.Man, I thought this was just a Paul Dano flick, but I guess Daniel Day-Lewis has some sort of cameo in it, too?" said one source, who leaned [...]The post BREAKING: Holy Shit, Daniel Day-Lewis Is In This appeared first on The Onion.
|
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#6T1ZP)
MINNEAPOLIS-Looking glumly at the mess of candies and royal icing, local 44-year-old Anthony Renton told reporters Thursday that building a shitty gingerbread house was just making his depression worse. Nothing will stick-the gumdrops, the Twizzlers, the candy canes, the Hershey's kisses-they all reject the frosting, just as life has rejected me," said Renton, who stared [...]The post Building Shitty Gingerbread House Just Making Depression Worse appeared first on The Onion.
|
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#6T1X7)
The post Ho, Ho, Ho, I'm Regrowing My Foreskin! appeared first on The Onion.
|
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#6T1KS)
CHICAGO-Stressing that the procedure offered affected individuals their best chance at recuperation, experts at Northwestern University's medical school issued a recommendation Thursday that severely injured people should be placed into some sort of cylindrical tank filled with fluid. Our data indicate that almost all wounds and maladies can be mitigated, if not outright reversed, by [...]The post Experts Recommend Putting Injured Person In Some Sort Of Cylindrical Tank Filled With Fluid appeared first on The Onion.
|