 |
by The Onion Staff on (#76N2M)
Broadly considered one of the greatest soccer players of all time, Argentina's Lionel Messi set a new record as the top goalscorer in World Cup history. The Onion shares everything you need to know about the eight-time Ballon d'Or winner. Age: 39, minus stoppage time Favorite Charity: Major League Soccer Catchphrase: ..." Net Worth: Can't [...]The post Player Profile: Lionel Messi appeared first on The Onion.
|
The Onion
| Link | https://theonion.com/ |
| Feed | https://www.theonion.com/rss |
| Updated | 2026-09-11 11:08 |
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#76MTH)
With this practically coastal retreat, breathtaking ocean breezes and the soothing sound of waves are only a day-long car ride and a few state lines away, depending on traffic. Reference #78339The post Only 11 Hours From The Beach appeared first on The Onion.
|
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#76MTJ)
Millions of Americans will embark on summer vacations this year. Reporters for The Onion asked stars to share their own warm weather plans. The post Stars Share Their Plans For The Summer appeared first on The Onion.
|
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#76MTK)
NEW YORK-Fastening the paper sign to a chair just in case," Kansas City Chiefs tight end Travis Kelce reportedly reserved a seat at his wedding reception Monday for SpongeBob. I know I shouldn't get my hopes up and that Mr. SquarePants is a really busy guy, but man, it would be cool as hell if [...]The post Travis Kelce Reserves Seat At Reception For SpongeBob Just In Case appeared first on The Onion.
|
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#76MTQ)
LOS ANGELES-After working more than 11 years at a local family-owned Italian restaurant, actress Emma Stone confirmed Monday she was finally quitting her job waiting tables.I'm a little nervous-you know, nothing is ever guaranteed in show business-but my fingers are crossed that everything works out for the best," said the 37-year-old Stone, who told reporters [...]The post Emma Stone Finally Quits Waiting Tables appeared first on The Onion.
|
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#76MTP)
ZANESVILLE, OH-Noting that her stink had begun clinging to furniture, clothes, and anyone who hugged her for more than a couple of seconds, family members of local grandmother Phyllis Hargrave confirmed Thursday that they had set the 89-year-old on a lawn chair in the yard to air her out.Yeah, Granny was starting to reek, so [...]The post Grandma Aired Out In Yard appeared first on The Onion.
|
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#76MTN)
NEW YORK-Just a few years after Major League Baseball introduced sweeping pace-of-play reforms intended to make the sport more compelling, a stressed-out nation confirmed Thursday that baseball games had now become much too fast.Jesus Christ, everything's happening so fast I can't even keep track of it-let us catch our breath!" Reds fan Aaron Cartwright said [...]The post Nation Decides Baseball Too Fast Now appeared first on The Onion.
|
by The Onion Staff on (#76MTM)
The FBI announced charges alleging that a sophisticated network of drones were used to deliver weapons, cell phones, and drugs into 10 federal prisons. What do you think?The post Drone Network Used To Smuggle Contraband Into Prisons appeared first on The Onion.
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#76KEB)
CHICAGO-Stunning longtime fans with its climactic conclusion, FX series The Bear reportedly ended Friday with a continuous 45-minute shot of protagonist Carmy screaming while stirring tomato sauce. After so many tense scenes and multifaceted characters, I'm glad we could provide the perfect finale to this show that I know the fans will love," said star [...]The post The Bear' Ends With Continuous 45-Minute Shot Of Carmy Screaming While Stirring Tomato Sauce appeared first on The Onion.
|
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#76KEC)
WASHINGTON-Expressing concerns about the charged, inflammatory rhetoric used to promote the 16-day exposition, local prize hog Benny Big Bones"Carmichael announced Friday that he would be dropping out of the Great American State Fair due to the event's political nature. After carefully reviewing the circumstances under which the Freedom 250 festivities are taking place, I must [...]The post Prize Hog Drops Out Of Great American State Fair Due To Event's Political Nature appeared first on The Onion.
|
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#76KCC)
EAST RUTHERFORD, NJ-Admitting that the vast gulf between media depictions and reality had come as a total shock, German World Cup fan Fabian Lindemann told reporters Friday that he could not believe how different the real United States was from the country's depiction in the 2006 Pixar film Cars. It's so crazy to spend several [...]The post German World Cup Fan Can't Believe How Different Real U.S. Is From Depiction In Pixar's Cars' appeared first on The Onion.
|
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#76KCD)
SAN FRANCISCO-Claiming that the character would have been depicted as a titillating working breed if it weren't for the woke mob," DC fans reportedly flocked to social media Friday to blast the dog from Supergirlas not even hot. It's hard to believe anyone finds this attractive," wrote 25-year-old Evan Marsh in response to a photo [...]The post DC Fans Claim Dog From Supergirl' Not Even Hot appeared first on The Onion.
|
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#76KCE)
FLUSHING, NY-Asserting that it was the least the franchise could do to reward the loyal fanbase that had stuck with the team through so many ups and downs, local Mets fan Paul Sutera told reporters Friday that all he was asking for was one fucking season where they win every single game they play. I'm [...]The post All Mets Fan Asking For Is One Fucking Season Where Team Wins Every Single Game appeared first on The Onion.
|
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#76K46)
Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce are reportedly tying the knot this summer. The Onion shares everything we know about the big day so far.The post A Sneak Peek At Taylor Swift's Wedding appeared first on The Onion.
|
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#76K45)
NEW YORK CITY-Touting the discovery as a breakthrough in understanding the behavioral patterns of the insects, Rockefeller University researchers published a study Friday revealing that mosquitos are more attracted to people branded with the Mosquito God's rune of punishment. After several rounds of clinical trials with a control group, we can confirm that anyone marked [...]The post Study: Mosquitos More Attracted To People Branded With Mosquito God's Rune Of Punishment appeared first on The Onion.
|
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#76K44)
The post Travis Kelce Utters 2 Syllables Of Wedding Venue Name Before Tranq Dart Strikes Neck appeared first on The Onion.
|
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#76K43)
Texas Attorney General Ken Paxton (R) will be facing James Talarico (D) in the race for a U.S. Senate seat this November. Here's everything you need to know about the Republican candidate. Angle Of Smirk: 34 degrees Signature Style: Rushing to put belt back on Campaign Slogan: Come Alone With Small, Unmarked Bills" Position On [...]The post Political Profile: Ken Paxton appeared first on The Onion.
|
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#76K42)
The oldest soccer ball in the world, believed to be 500 years old, will be on display for the first time in the United States, traveling all the way to Miami from Scotland. What do you think?The post World's Oldest Soccer Ball On Display In Miami appeared first on The Onion.
|
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#76K41)
The post Boy Quietly Turns All Toys Toward Wall After Watching Toy Story' For First Time appeared first on The Onion.
|
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#76JS8)
The post Eric Adams Among Lineup Of Children Escorting Turkey Players Onto Pitch appeared first on The Onion.
|
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#76JNV)
LOS ANGELES-Explaining why the company could no longer release Artificial as previously planned, Amazon MGM Studios head Mike Hopkins told director Luca Guadagnino on Thursday that he didn't realize the film would be so pro-art. I had no idea you'd be promoting creativity to such an extent," said Hopkins, who noted that he'd made the [...]The post Amazon Executive Tells Luca Guadagnino He Didn't Realize Film Would Be So Pro-Art appeared first on The Onion.
|
by The Onion Staff on (#76JKC)
France recorded the hottest day ever in its history, with temperatures reaching a high of 44.3 degrees Celsius (or 111.7 degrees Fahrenheit) as a brutal heat wave continues to engulf Western Europe. What do you think?The post France Records Hottest Day Ever appeared first on The Onion.
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#76JH6)
WASHINGTON-In an effort to alert parents to the potentially dangerous consequences of playing the highly anticipated game,critics warned Thursday thatGrand Theft Auto VI could inspire impressionable teens to live in Florida. This game glamorizes life in Florida to such an outrageous extent that it's easy to see how young minds could be fooled into thinking [...]The post Critics Warn GTA VI' Could Inspire Impressionable Teens To Live In Florida appeared first on The Onion.
|
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#76JH7)
The post French Reporter Illustrates Extreme Heat By Flambeing Cherries Jubilee On Sidewalk appeared first on The Onion.
|
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#76JAR)
Supergirl, starring Milly Alcock, opens this weekend. The Onion shares everything you need to know about the film. Q: What is the premise? A: A female superhero must single-handedly save the world as she knows it after the catastrophic collapse of interest in the genre. Q: Is Superman in this one? A: Why? You don't [...]The post What To Know About Supergirl' appeared first on The Onion.
|
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#76JAS)
HANNIBAL, MO-Expanding their exercise empire through a hostile takeover of the nearby business, the imperialistic Planet Fitness reportedly annexed a nearby GameStop Thursday as part of their Judgement Free Zone. In our commitment to improving the world's physique, we must take what is rightfully ours," said Planet Fitness CEO Colleen Keating in a fiery speech, [...]The post Imperialist Planet Fitness Declares Annexed GameStop Part Of Judgement Free Zone appeared first on The Onion.
|
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#76J7S)
The post Grandma Adds New Urn To Husband Collection appeared first on The Onion.
|
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#76HSV)
MILWAUKEE-Following his blockbuster trade to the Miami Heat, former Milwaukee Bucks superstar Giannis Antetokounmpo took out a full-page ad in The Milwaukee Journal Sentinel Wednesday thanking Bucks fans for not eating him during his 13 seasons with the franchise. To the people of Milwaukee, please know that I will be forever grateful that you looked [...]The post Giannis Antetokounmpo Takes Out Full-Page Ad Thanking Bucks Fans For Not Eating Him appeared first on The Onion.
|
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#76HHY)
LOS ANGELES-Enticing fans with the promise of the franchise's most dangerous stunt yet, a new trailer for Jackass: Best And Last released Wednesday showed an aging Johnny Knoxville trying to climb a staircase without a handrail. Holy shit, what the fuck am I doing?" said the 55-year-old Knoxville, who was seen in the footage shrugging [...]The post New Jackass' Trailer Shows Aging Johnny Knoxville Trying To Climb Staircase Without Handrail appeared first on The Onion.
|
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#76HHZ)
RACINE, WI-Vowing that the new product line was the ideal way to make termites and beetles suffer for all eternity, household chemical manufacturer S.C. Johnson announced Wednesday that its insecticide brand Raid would be unveiling a new immortality spray that curses insects to watch everyone they love die. With Raid Immortality Spray, bugs will no [...]The post New Raid Immortality Spray Curses Insects To Watch Everyone They Love Die appeared first on The Onion.
|
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#76HBN)
The post Roommate Ruins Completely Arbitrary Spice Drawer Layout appeared first on The Onion.
|
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#76HBM)
The post Indian Director Scores Movie's Psychedelic Section With Trippy Western Classical Music appeared first on The Onion.
|
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#76HBK)
MIAMI-Whispering a final goodbye to a wallet photo of his wife and two young daughters, beer delivery driver Marcus Dailey jumped down from the cab of his semi truck Wednesday and pointed a trembling shotgun as a crowd of Scottish soccer fans closed in. Back! I'm warning you! Get back right now!" saidDailey, nestling the [...]The post Beer Delivery Driver Points Trembling Shotgun As Crowd Of Scottish Soccer Fans Close In appeared first on The Onion.
|
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#76HBJ)
The post Rigged Erection appeared first on The Onion.
|
|
by The Onion Staff on (#76HBH)
Restaurants and bars catering to World Cup visitors have struggled with foreign tourists leaving without tipping, with many travelers confused by or unaware of the American practice. What do you think?The post World Cup Tourists Fail To Leave Tips appeared first on The Onion.
|
by The Onion Staff on (#76GV0)
Multiple Christian energy drink brands, such as Yahweh and Praise Energy, have hit the market, capitalizing on the image of Jesus to sell their products. What do you think?The post Christian Energy Drinks Hit Market appeared first on The Onion.
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#76GQT)
The post Tesla Launches New Model Of Explosions appeared first on The Onion.
|
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#76GMN)
CHICAGO-Calling the update a major breakthrough for players who enjoy new-ball smell, Wilson Sporting Goods officials unveiled a new line of tennis balls Tuesday that contain even more smell. We know tennis fans love that bright chemical fragrance, so we dipped these balls in as much smell as they could physically absorb," said Wilson spokesperson [...]The post Wilson Unveils Tennis Balls With Even More Smell appeared first on The Onion.
|
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#76GFH)
WASHINGTON-Imploring their colleagues across the aisle to be mindful of how the highly charged language might elevate national tensions, congressional Republicans urged Democrats Tuesday to tone down the rhetoric they used to quote President Donald Trump verbatim. Temperatures are running high, and the last thing we need are hotheaded Democrats spewing hateful, inflammatory statements sourced [...]The post GOP Urges Democrats To Tone Down Rhetoric Used To Quote President Verbatim appeared first on The Onion.
|
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#76GFG)
LOS ANGELES-In a desperate attempt to lower the production budget, director James Cameron confirmed Tuesday that the next Avatar film would be set entirely in a Pandora studio apartment. Look, you can't always get a blank check to do all the motion capture and underwater sets that you want, so I decided that the next [...]The post James Cameron To Lower Costs By Setting Next Avatar' Entirely In Pandora Studio Apartment appeared first on The Onion.
|
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#76GFF)
The post Thomas Pynchon Spotted For First Time In Years In Instagram Reels Comment Section appeared first on The Onion.
|
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#76GFE)
The post World Cup Chant Not Racist Enough To Catch On appeared first on The Onion.
|
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#76G16)
The CDC reports an estimated 31 million people in the United States are bitten by a tick annually. The Onion examines the myths and facts surrounding the common parasites. MYTH: Ticks only live in the woods. FACT: Many ticks enjoy the more cosmopolitan feel of a park or garden. MYTH: You can easily feel a [...]The post Ticks: Myth Vs. Fact appeared first on The Onion.
|
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#76FZ3)
The post Keir Starmer Resigns Amid Not Being Very Good Prime Minister' Scandal appeared first on The Onion.
|
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#76FWN)
The post Bill Gates Invests In New Sex Trafficking Startup appeared first on The Onion.
|
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#76FS7)
CHAMPAIGN, IL-Shedding new light on the concept of voluntary behavior, researchers at the University of Illinois Urbana-Champaign contend in a study published this week that the existence of free will can be disproven by the fact that people repeatedly eat at chain sandwich restaurant Jimmy John's. Our exhaustive survey of over 12,000 regular Jimmy John's [...]The post Study Contends Free Will Disproven By Fact That Humans Repeatedly Eat At Jimmy John's appeared first on The Onion.
|
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#76FKM)
LONDON-Insisting that digital platforms should be restricted to responsible individuals, members of the U.K. Parliament announced Friday they were weighing a ban on social media for everyone except old men who grow big vegetables. Under our bill, users seeking to access Instagram, Facebook, TikTok, X, or other social media networks will first have to pass [...]The post U.K. Weighs Social Media Ban Of Everyone Except Old Men Who Grow Big Vegetables appeared first on The Onion.
|
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#76FS8)
As the NBA continues to weigh potential reforms, The Onion asked players across the league what changes they would make if they had Adam Silver's job for 24 hours.The post NBA Players Share The One Thing They'd Change About The League If They Were Commissioner For A Day appeared first on The Onion.
|
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#76FKQ)
PENSACOLA, FL-Sensing the perfect opportunity to duck out and get a head start on some scrubbing, local mom Sandy Pagano reportedly took advantage of a movie's hushed monologue Monday to go to the kitchen and wash five pots. Family sources said that during the relatively quiet moment of the film, Pagano eased herself off the [...]The post Mom Takes Hushed Monologue In Movie As Cue To Go To Kitchen, Wash 5 Pots appeared first on The Onion.
|
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#76FKP)
The post Thing Person Saying Seems To Call For Sad Face appeared first on The Onion.
|