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by The Onion Staff on (#70MXB)
WASHINGTON-In an effort to curb speculation regarding the physical health of the commander-in-chief, Capt. Sean Barbabella, physician to the president and director of the White House Medical Unit, confirmed Thursday that Donald Trump has far more bones" than any U.S. president on record. Every time we examine the president's body, we find more and more [...]The post White House Doctor: Trump Has Far More Bones Than Any Prior President appeared first on The Onion.
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The Onion
| Link | https://theonion.com/ |
| Feed | https://www.theonion.com/rss |
| Updated | 2026-01-08 12:03 |
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by The Onion Staff on (#70MSS)
Six years from now, almost to the day, the blushing bride Carlie Beams and joyful groom Drew Jones will be fighting to the death for sole custody over a cat.The post Carlie Beams and Drew Jones appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#70MSR)
The post Sydney Sweeney Desperately Fishing For Pet Names To Avoid Calling Grown Man Scooter' appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#70M4B)
CHICAGO-In effort to honor the extraordinarily talented and creative individual, a MacArthur genius grant' was awarded Wednesday to Arkansas man Dale Huggins for his invention of the eatin' shirt, a big ol' shirt he puts on before supper so his good shirt doesn't get all dirty. All these stains you see here on my eatin' [...]The post MacArthur Genius Grant' Awarded To Inventor Of Eatin' Shirt appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#70KVP)
Listen, no one's trying to broadcast private details about your life to the whole world, but you should know that living here would absolutely violate the terms of your plea agreement. Reference #18793The post Not 200 Yards Away From The Dog Park appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#70KVN)
Randy Faber, 49, died Saturday after a horn impaling his chest confirmed his severe rhino allergy.The post Randy Faber appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#70KVM)
LOS ANGELES-Describing the mood in the clubhouse as eerie and ominous, several members of the Los Angeles Dodgers told reporters Tuesday they have become increasingly unnerved since Shohei Ohtani's interpreter, Will Ireton, began referring to the two-way superstar as The Host." According to team sources, Ireton's relationship with Ohtani has taken on a different, more [...]The post Teammates Unnerved As Interpreter Begins Referring To Ohtani As The Host' appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#70KD6)
Former NFL quarterback Mark Sanchez faces a felony battery charge after allegedly confronting a 69-year-old truck driver at a hotel loading dock, with the driver pepper-spraying and stabbing Sanchez as he continued advancing toward him. What do you think?The post Ex-Quarterback Mark Sanchez Charged With Felony Battery appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#70K3Q)
ARLINGTON, VA-Saying the Pentagon had acted swiftly on an insider tip about the vessel having a big adventure" planned, Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth confirmed Tuesday that the U.S. military had carried out a strike on Scuffy the Tugboat. Little Scuffy wasn't content with merely floating around in the bathtub, so he made for the nearest [...]The post U.S. Military Carries Out Strike On Scuffy The Tugboat appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#70JX6)
RISHIKESH, INDIA-In an effort to break down creative barriers and open their minds to new types of spirituality, members of the heavy metal band Slipknot reportedly traveled to India this week to begin the psychedelic, free-love phase of their career.The rishi has been teaching us a lot of different things about pain and anger, and [...]The post Slipknot Travels To India To Begin Psychedelic, Free-Love Phase Of Career appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#70JX5)
The Saturday evening union of D.C. insiders Baines Wright III and Carter Nowak featured several productive breakout sessions with good thought-starters on potential honeymoon locations for the new couple.The post Baines Wright III and Carter Nowak appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#70JET)
While it's natural for personal relationships to change or fade over time, many adults reportedly find it difficult to forge new friendships later in life. The Onion shares tips for making friends as an adult. Start calling your parents by their first names. Find a volunteer cause you can immediately dispense with the second your [...]The post Tips For Making Friends As An Adult appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#70JEV)
Treasure hunters recovered more than 1,000 silver and gold coins worth about $1 million from a 1715 Spanish shipwreck off Florida's coast. What do you think?The post $1 Million In Coins Recovered From Spanish Shipwreck appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#70JC8)
STOCKHOLM-In an effort to honor the groundbreaking work of bringing fast relief to millions suffering post-meal heartburn and indigestion, the prestigious Nobel Prize in Medicine was awarded Monday to the over-the-counter chewable antacid Tums. What Tums has achieved was long thought impossible: a fruit-flavored tablet capable of quickly neutralizing acid reflux even after a person [...]The post Nobel Prize In Medicine Awarded To Tums appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#70JC9)
LEAWOOD, KS-Seeing his fiancee in a whole new light, Kansas City Chiefs tight end Travis Kelce was reportedly getting cold feet Monday after listening to Taylor Swift'sThe Life Of A Showgirl. It's kind of weird I've only known her for two years, don't you think?" said the Kansas City Chiefs tight end, who told his [...]The post Travis Kelce Gets Cold Feet After Listening To New Taylor Swift Album appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#70J3Q)
Through a new government-run website called TrumpRx, drug manufacturers will sell prescription medicines directly to consumers at lower-than-retail prices, but insurance will not be accepted. What do you think?The post Trump Announces TrumpRx Website For Prescription Drugs appeared first on The Onion.
by The Onion Staff on (#70J3R)
According to a new report, Stephen King is now the author most likely to be censored by U.S. schools, with The Shining, Christine, The Stand, and On Writing among the 87 of his titles removed from shelves. What do you think?The post Stephen King Most Banned Author In U.S. Schools appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#70J3X)
MESA, AZ-As he hastily hung a framed picture over some unsightly bullet holes in the wall, local man Clyde Walker told reporters Monday that he was straightening up his meth lab ahead of an anticipated visit from his landlord.Just doing a bit of cleaning to get the meth kitchen spick-and-span before Gary comes by," Walker [...]The post Meth Lab Straightened Up Ahead Of Landlord's Visit appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#70J3W)
ARLINGTON, VA-The U.S. Defense Department confirmed Monday that Starbucks had been awarded a $5 billion contract to explore potential national security applications of cold foam, part of the military's ongoing effort to modernize its lactose-based defense capabilities. According to officials, the Seattle-based company will oversee the prototype of a tactical frothed milk topping for use [...]The post Starbucks Awarded $5 Billion Contract To Explore Military Applications Of Cold Foam appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#70J3V)
LOS GATOS, CA-With an update the company hailed as a bold feature that would excite existing users and increase membership, streaming giant Netflix announced Tuesday that all of its subscribers would now be required to recruit five new customers.In the competitive world of streaming media, this restructuring will ensure Netflix remains at the forefront of [...]The post Netflix Now Requiring All Subscribers To Recruit 5 New Customers appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#70J3T)
Tis a humble and rudely constructed domicile, true, but 'tis warm and dry, and there be space enough to lay your head on some flax and pass an evening's time. Reference #35615The post Wouldst This Suit M'Lord? appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#70GA2)
Good Boy, a horror movie told from the point of view of its dog protagonist, comes to theaters this weekend. The Onion shares everything you need to know about the film. Q: What is Good Boy about? A: A loyal dog discovers supernatural forces lurking in his crotch that must be exorcised through intense licking. [...]The post What To Know About Good Boy' appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#70GA1)
My dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to celebrate the union of this man and this woman...and this empty wallet and this wiped-out checking account...in the bonds of holy moly, this wedding is expensive! Ding-dong, loyal readers! Wedding bells are ringing around the Dudek household. (Or maybe that's the cha-ching of the cash register.) [...]The post The Cost Of This Wedding Is Making Me Matri-moan-y! appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#70GA0)
KNOXVILLE, TN-After a disappointing lunch that shattered his romanticized view of the topping, heartbroken local man Vince Salazar stated Monday that he now understood he had only ever loved the idea of a fried egg on a hamburger.I thought the sunny-side up burger upgrade was what I really wanted, but I've come to see that [...]The post Heartbroken Man Realizes He Only Loved Idea Of Fried Egg On Burger appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#70G9Z)
The widow of the recently deceased Leonard Hendrick, 66, would like all single men in the community to know that her husband died and she is ready to move on.The post Leonard Hendrick appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#70G9Y)
The post Report: It Nice That Linemen Feel Comfortable Showing Off Bare Bellies appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#70FWJ)
Pete Hegseth sharply condemned fat generals" at a military gathering, ordering all officers to meet stricter fitness standards. What do you think?The post Pete Hegseth Rails Against Fat Generals appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#70FWK)
The post Nicole Kidman Retires Drag King Persona Keith Urban' appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#70FT6)
WASHINGTON-Calling him the best man for the job," President Donald Trump reportedly asked JD Vance Thursday to research whether the president was allowed to kill the vice president. I mean, Article II says he's legally my property, right?" said Trump, who stated that the task was absolutely critical" as he put both his hands on [...]The post Trump Asks JD Vance To Research Whether President Allowed To Kill Vice President appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#70FQR)
The post Jane Goodall, Author Of 15 Amazing Monkey Facts For Kids,' Dies At 91 appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#70FM6)
With 112,408 fans attending his show Saturday at Michigan Stadium, country star Zach Bryan set a new national record for the largest ticketed concert crowd. The Onion shares everything you need to know about the artist. Hometown: You Don't Want To Know The History Of This Place, Oklahoma Instrument: Sleeveless guitar Vocal Style: Dehydrated Biggest [...]The post Artist Profile: Zach Bryan appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#70FGQ)
BURBANK, CA-Touting the promotion as a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to go behind the scenes of the beloved medical drama, producers of The Pitt announced Thursday that one lucky fan had been chosen to undergo an open-heart procedure performed by the stars of the series.I wrote in to explain how much I love the show and how [...]The post Lucky Fan Wins Open-Heart Surgery From Stars Of The Pitt' appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#70FGP)
WASHINGTON-Touting the substance's anti-inflammatory properties and high smoke point, Health and Human Services Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. released a statement Thursday advocating for the use of beef tallow in home birth tubs.Despite what the perpetrators of the medical-industrial complex would like you to believe, women have been giving birth in rendered animal fat for [...]The post RFK Jr. Advocates Using Beef Tallow In Home Birth Tubs appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#70FGN)
Mommy and Luke had such a fun time on their cruise that they decided to get married and Luke is going to live here with us! Isn't that exciting?The post Mommy and Mommy's Friend Luke appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#70EXZ)
OpenAI introduced new parental controls for ChatGPT, allowing oversight over settings and alerts for unsafe content, though teens will be able to disable the controls at any time. What do you think?The post OpenAI Introduces Parental Controls appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#70EKY)
MESA, AZ-Gleefully describing the inevitable day when society would collapse and digital files would become unusable, local physical media collector David Campbell confirmed Wednesday he was absolutely pumped" for the downfall of humanity. When it all goes down, there's only going to be one place to watch theTomb Raidermovies in their entirety with all the [...]The post Physical Media Collector Pumped For Downfall Of Humanity appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#70EKX)
LOS ANGELES-Saying he was excited to explore the psychology of one of the 21st century's greatest villains," Monster creator Ryan Murphy announced Wednesday that the anthology's latest season would focus on a barista who made his drink wrong. I've covered killers like Jeffrey Dahmer and the Menendez brothers, but I've never done a character study [...]The post New Season Of Monster' To Focus On Barista Who Made Ryan Murphy's Drink Wrong appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#70EKW)
SANTA ROSA, CA-Upon issuing a citation that listed wet surfaces and thick coatings of grease among numerous other violations, the Sonoma County Health Department announced Wednesday that it had shut down Guy Fieri.We received an anonymous tip about the unsanitary condition of Mr. Fieri, and our surprise-inspection team was deeply disturbed by the state we [...]The post Health Department Shuts Down Guy Fieri appeared first on The Onion.
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by Claire Favret on (#70EKV)
PARIS-In a statement citing the need to preserve his smoldering good looks so that future generations could continue to swoon over him, U.N. officials announced Tuesday that Spanish actor Javier Bardem had been formally declared a UNESCO World-Class Hunk. The U.N. agency said Bardem had met the criteria of brawn, charisma, and raw masculine eros" [...]The post Javier Bardem Declared UNESCO World-Class Hunk appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#70EKT)
This picturesque luxury cottage is available free of charge until the family that owns it gets back from their trip to Montauk. Reference #07965The post Window Ajar appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#70EKS)
Gail Barnsom, 74, tragically lost her battle with escalators Thursday.The post Gail Barnsom appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#70E20)
The Taliban imposed a near-total internet blackout across Afghanistan, cutting off both local communication and foreign access while suppressing dissent. What do you think?The post Taliban Imposes Internet Blackout Amid Morality Crackdown appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#70DZ7)
Critics like RFK Jr. and health-conscious social media influencers often claim seed oils like canola, soybean, and safflower oil contain toxic byproducts caused by the extraction process. The Onion dispels the common myths surrounding seed oils. MYTH: Seed oils cause inflammation. FACT: The science on this will reverse itself six times over the next 100 [...]The post Seed Oils: Myth Vs. Fact appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#70DRS)
The post Stress-Free Eric Adams Spends Day Bribing Pigeons In Central Park appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#70DRT)
The post U.S. Generals Have Bad Feeling About Dog The Bounty Hunter Taking Stage appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#70DRV)
The post Trump Audibly Counting Non-White Generals appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#70DRW)
QUANTICO, VA-Racking his brain for answers as he gazed out at the high-ranking officers gathered before him, a visibly hungover Pete Hegseth reportedly struggled Tuesday to remember exactly how he ended up in a meeting room filled with U.S. generals and admirals. Jesus fucking Christ, why are they all staring at me-am I supposed to [...]The post Hungover Hegseth Struggling To Remember How He Ended Up In Room Full Of Generals appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#70DN3)
INDIANAPOLIS-With an official proclamation that declared the state open to self-proclaimed messianic prophets," Indiana began offering tax breaks Wednesday to attract religious doomsday cults.Whether your fundamentalist commune believes it will usher in an apocalyptic race war or board a spaceship to a higher plane of existence, we hope your cult will choose to make Indiana [...]The post Indiana Offers Tax Breaks To Attract Religious Doomsday Cults appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#70DN2)
Pop star Sabrina Carpenter is one of several artists set to headline this year's Lollapalooza. The Onion sat down with the Espresso" singer to discuss love, life, and her forthcoming album, Man's Best Friend. The Onion: Which one are you again? Carpenter: Of the two very short pop stars under 35, I'm the one who [...]The post The Onion's Exclusive Interview With Sabrina Carpenter appeared first on The Onion.
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