The Onion

The couple's Maldives destination wedding was largely a litmus test to find out which of their friends and family they can hit up for money in the future.The post Jason Schaible and Erica Finch appeared first on The Onion.

Dozens of former employees accused Danish chef Rene Redzepi, who co-founded Noma, widely regarded as one of the best restaurants in the world, of inflicting physical and psychological violence on the staff for years. What do you think?The post Founder Of Noma Restaurant Faces Abuse Allegations appeared first on The Onion.

MILWAUKEE-Dismissing the concerns of loved ones as seriously lacking in perspective, local woman Sara Heston, 32, argued Tuesday that her boyfriend was barely an alcoholic as far as boyfriends go. Dan is essentially sober compared to my previous partners," said Heston, alleging the 35-year-old man who often claimed he could not fall asleep without five [...]The post Boyfriend Barely Alcoholic As Far As Boyfriends Go appeared first on The Onion.

FRANKLIN, TN-Insisting that she hoped the spike in oil costs was only the beginning of a long upward trend,MAGA voter Kaitlyn Leonardi told reporters Tuesday that she loved high gas prices. I don't care if the prices rise-heck, I prefer them that way," said Leonardi, who crossed her arms in defiance as she lauded gasoline [...]The post MAGA Voter Claims She Loves High Gas Prices appeared first on The Onion.

Ending an important relationship is never easy. It's always going to hurt, whether it was your decision or your partner's. But that doesn't mean anyone did anything wrong. Sometimes two people just fall out of cahoots. One day you're madly in cahoots. The next you're not. Most of the time, no one's to blame. Falling [...]The post Sometimes Two People Just Fall Out Of Cahoots appeared first on The Onion.

Jason McNamarra, 28, did technically swallow that sword.The post Jason McNamarra appeared first on The Onion.

United Airlines announced it will begin removing passengers from flights who refuse to wear headphones when listening to content on their personal devices, claiming that such behavior could lead to a permanent ban. What do you think?The post United Airlines To Kick Off Passengers Who Refuse To Use Headphones appeared first on The Onion.

LOS ANGELES-Facing fierce backlash for remarks deemed deeply ignorant by devoted fans, actor Timothee Chalamet came under fire Monday for dismissive comments about traditional Japanese bunraku puppetry. I never want to end up in a position where I'm one of the Ningyzukai manipulating the arms and legs of this puppet that frankly hasn't been relevant [...]The post Timothee Chalamet Under Fire For Dismissive Comments About Traditional Japanese Puppet Theater Form Bunraku' appeared first on The Onion.

New work requirements for the Supplemental Nutrition Assistance Program have gone into effect across the nation, threatening benefits for millions of Americans. The Onion shares everything you need to know about the new SNAP restrictions. Q: Why were new work requirements put in place? A: Barb Klimath of La Crosse, WI, saw someone pay for [...]The post What To Know About The New Requirements For SNAP Benefits appeared first on The Onion.

PHILADELPHIA-Hailing the discovery as a major step forward in the understanding of human psychology, University of Pennsylvania researchers published a study Monday revealing that mourning loved ones is a huge waste of time. Contrary to past assumptions, our work suggests grieving a lost family member or friend is really just throwing away precious time on [...]The post Study Finds Mourning Loved Ones A Huge Waste Of Time appeared first on The Onion.

DENVER-Saying strange formatting and grammatical mistakes were a dead giveaway that such messages weren't to be trusted, local IT specialist Mark Tapley warned employees this week not to trust emails he sends after a few drinks. Personal security is my priority here, so I'd advise everyone in the office to disregard any emails they receive [...]The post IT Guy Warns Employees Not To Trust Emails He Sends After A Few Drinks appeared first on The Onion.

Why risk losing a costly stationary house when this Class C motor home can also transport you away from floods and fires. Reference #023478The post It Wasn't Called The 2008 RV Market Crash,' Was It? appeared first on The Onion.

Kristi Noem was fired from her post as Secretary of the Department of Homeland Security and will be replaced by Senator Markwayne Mullin (R-OK), the embattled Noem's exit following intense public backlash to her handling of Trump's immigration crackdown and mishandling of department funds. What do you think?The post Kristi Noem Fired As DHS Secretary appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Striking a note of optimism as the prospects for a protracted conflict with Iran grew likelier, President Trump on Friday urged Americans to bear in mind that they'll no longer have to pay their son's cell phone bill if he dies at war. You may be grieving at first, but, believe me, you'll be smiling [...]The post Trump To Americans: You Won't Have To Pay Your Son's Cell Phone Bill When He Dies At War' appeared first on The Onion.

The post Stoic Kristi Noem Bears Firing With Stiff Upper Lip, Chin, Cheeks, Forehead appeared first on The Onion.

Longtime Justice Department employee Timothy Parsons, a legal staffer in the U.S. Attorney's Office in Washington, D.C., was arrested and charged in a child pornography case and is facing federal criminal charges in Maryland. What do you think?The post DOJ Employee Charged In Child Pornography Case appeared first on The Onion.

Voting in local elections is key to democracy. The Onion shares tips for researching candidates on the ballot in your community. First, learn the name of the town or city you live in, and ideally the state as well. Decide exactly how important it is to you that your vote is informed. Ensure your preferred [...]The post Tips For Researching Local Candidates appeared first on The Onion.

NEW YORK-Jeopardizing the fate of what could be a landmark federal antitrust trial, U.S. prosecutors were reportedly unable to attend the Live Nation trial Friday after scalpers bought every ticket. Ah, shit, I promised my daughter I was going to prosecute Live Nation for her birthday," said David E. Dahlquist, a lawyer for the U.S. [...]The post Prosecutors Unable To Attend Live Nation Trial After Scalpers Buy Every Ticket appeared first on The Onion.

LONDON-Faced with continuing public outrage over the former prince's ties to notorious pedophile Jeffrey Epstein, the British royal family on Friday quietly removed Andrew Mountbatten-Windsor's popular line of salad dressings from stores. For decades, British consumers have associated Andrew's smiling face on bottles of Buckingham Balsamic and His Majesty's Honey Mustard with the highest quality [...]The post Royal Family Quietly Removes Prince Andrew's Line Of Salad Dressings From U.K. Grocery Stores appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-In an effort to provide a more hearty, spoonable drinking experience," the Environmental Protection Agency announced Thursday a sweeping new initiative to make all U.S. tap water chunkier by 2030.For too long, Americans have had to put up with thin, dull water, but we're going to cut through all of the unnecessary red tape and [...]The post EPA Unveils Plan To Make Water Chunkier appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Having abandoned his pledge not to let construction interfere with the plane's existing structure or aerodynamic design, President Donald Trump defended on Thursday his decision to add a magnificent" neoclassical ballroom to Air Force One. Trump, who appeared dismissive of photos that showed an excavator ripping into the famed Boeing 747, told reporters that demolishing [...]The post Trump Defends Addition OfBallroom ToAir Force One appeared first on The Onion.

Statistically speaking, not every wedding is going to be magical.The post Pat Yelsh and Jordan Menz appeared first on The Onion.

The White House has defended strikes on Iran, stating that the country's leaders are paying for their crimes against America." The Onion examines the myths and facts surrounding President Trump's war. MYTH: As commander-in-chief, Trump has the authority to take military action. FACT: It is unconstitutional for a U.S. president to declare war without the [...]The post Trump's War On Iran: Myth Vs. Fact appeared first on The Onion.

HOUSTON-Paralyzed with fear at the unexpected sight of the miniature figurine, Houston Rockets forward Kevin Durant reportedly screamed in terror Tuesday after unexpectedly coming face-to-face with a bobblehead version of himself. Who...who are-what do you want from me?" said the visibly trembling 15-time all-star, who nervously backed away from the tiny novelty doppelganger as it [...]The post Kevin Durant Terrified After Encountering Bobblehead Of Self appeared first on The Onion.

The post Internship Providing Woman With Hands-On-Shoulders Experience appeared first on The Onion.

If the body of Beatrice Fagan, 88, is not claimed within one year, her corpse will be sold at a state-sponsored auction.The post Beatrice Fagan appeared first on The Onion.

The post The (Sc)Avengers appeared first on The Onion.

PYONGYANG-Tears welling in his eyes as he remarked upon how quickly things change, North Korean Supreme Leader Kim Jong Un reportedly told aides Wednesday he couldn't believe his daughter Kim Ju Ae was already old enough to be executing boys. It's incredible to think that just a few years ago, she barely knew the words [...]The post Kim Jong Un Can't Believe Daughter Already Executing Boys appeared first on The Onion.

President Trump blacklisted AI company Anthropic after it rebuffed the Pentagon's demands to lift all safeguards on the military's use of its model due to its concerns about the use of AI for mass domestic surveillance and the development of weapons that fire without human involvement. What do you think?The post Pentagon Cuts Ties With Anthropic Over AI Safeguards appeared first on The Onion.

MINNEAPOLIS-Bleeding profusely as he radioed for backup against the uncooperative crowd, Immigration and Customs Enforcement agent Ken Fischer was reportedly injured Tuesday after making repeated attempts to detain the people in a neighborhood mural. I've got a couple dozen hostile and extremely large individuals impeding an officer-I need as many agents as you can send [...]The post ICE Agent Injured After Repeatedly Trying To Detain People In Neighborhood Mural appeared first on The Onion.

They don't need them, so it's your win. And if you don't need more mugs, then just leave your mugs with your current home. Let's all just stop taking mugs with us whenever we move. That could start right here with this house. Reference #88225The post Comes With The Mugs appeared first on The Onion.

Ortega was married off to Lazarus in a peacekeeping deal aimed at easing tensions between Indianapolis and Cincinnati.The post Adam Lazarus and Hayden Ortega appeared first on The Onion.

The post Best Get-Laid Plan appeared first on The Onion.

Ayatollah Ali Khamenei, the theocratic dictator who ruled Iran for over 36 years, was killed in a massive U.S. and Israeli military operation, with the Iranian government announcing 40 days of public mourning following the death of the 86-year-old leader. What do you think?The post Ayatollah Killed In U.S. Airstrike appeared first on The Onion.

BOSTON-Amid continued speculation about when the injured Celtics star might return to action, head coach Joe Mazzulla told reporters Tuesday that Jayson Tatum would remain sidelined until he successfully completed the Mazzulla Logic-Puzzle Meridian," a riddle- and reason-based gauntlet he devised to assess players' mental readiness. Look, I know it's your guys' job to ask, [...]The post Joe Mazzulla Reiterates Jayson Tatum Will Not Return Until He Passes The Mazzulla Logic-Puzzle Meridian' appeared first on The Onion.

Hi, friends! Today, I'd like to talk to the grown-ups. I know it's not easy raising children. Looking after little ones is a lot of work, and sometimes you just need a moment to breathe. So you plop your kids on the couch and turn on a Ms. Rachel video, giving yourself time to cook [...]The post I Am The God Of Your Children. I Am The Final Parent. appeared first on The Onion.

CLEVELAND-As the pair crossed their fingers and stared longingly at the jumbotron, reports confirmed Sunday that siblings Henry and Daniel Komack were both currently praying they would be featured on Rocket Arena's kiss cam.Come on, come on, I want this more than anything," whispered Henry Komack, 15, his breath trembling as he and his 13-year-old [...]The post Both Siblings Quietly Pray They Get On Kiss Cam appeared first on The Onion.

The post Human Arm Hanging Limply Out Of Food Delivery Robot appeared first on The Onion.

Mitch Nagler, 92, died peacefully last Thursday, at last relinquishing his stranglehold on the best easy chair in the Silver Pines Retirement Community sunroom.The post Mitch Nagler appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-While recognizing the small detail was of no real significance in the greater scheme of an escalating war with Iran, the entire U.S. populace admitted Tuesday that it was still curious to hear how President Donald Trump would pronounce Strait of Hormuz." He's gonna have to say it out loud eventually, and it feels like [...]The post Nation Admittedly Curious To Hear How Trump Pronounces Strait Of Hormuz' appeared first on The Onion.

According to Delta Dental's new Original Tooth Fairy Poll, the average amount of money left under a pillow for a lost tooth has increased to $5.84 per tooth, up 17% from last year. What do you think?The post Price Of Teeth Rises appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Carefully weighing the implications of his presence at a particularly tense moment in relations between Iran and the United States, President Trump told reporters Monday that he remained on the fence about attending the funeral of Ayatollah Ali Khamenei. If I go, I think it'll really make me look strong, like I'm fully in charge [...]The post Trump On Fence About Attending Ayatollah's Funeral appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Saying he just had a gut feeling" about the U.S.-backed airstrike, President Trump announced Monday that he'd won $60 on Kalshi after betting that he would bomb Iran. The odds were against me, but somehow I just knew that betting on an airstrike ordered by the president of the United States would hit," said Trump, [...]The post Trump Wins $60 On Kalshi Betting He'll Bomb Iran appeared first on The Onion.

The post Trump Creates Makeshift Situation Room In Mar-A-Lago Sauna appeared first on The Onion.

The surge in AI, cryptocurrency, and other digital assets is rapidly increasing demand for computational infrastructure around the country. The Onion examines the key facts and figures behind data centers. 0.8 New pH of your groundwater $900,000,000 What 16GB of RAM will cost next year 4,000 Palm fronds fanned to cool the servers 1 Security [...]The post Data Centers By The Numbers appeared first on The Onion.

The NYPD arrested a 27-year-old man they accused of striking two police officers with snow and ice during a snowball fight in Washington Square Park, charging him with assaulting a police officer, obstructing governmental administration, and disorderly conduct. What do you think?The post NYPD Arrests Man For Hitting Officers With Snowball appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Expressing certainty that they wouldn't make it to spring without resorting to drastic measures, the American people stated Wednesday that they had been left with no choice but to eat 35 million Canadians to survive the harsh winter. According to sources, the United States endured below-freezing temperatures and depleted food rations for weeks before a [...]The post Nation Forced To Eat 35 Million Canadians To Survive Harsh Winter appeared first on The Onion.