The Onion

FORT LAUDERDALE, FL-Tearfully admitting that he had been lost since his wife Linda died,grieving widowerAnthony Greenwich told reporters Wednesday that he wasn't sure he'd ever love someone his age again.Linda was truly one of a kind, and no senior or even middle-aged woman will ever replace her,"said the 71-year-old, adding that after being married for [...]The post Grieving Widower Not Sure He'll Ever Love Someone His Age Again appeared first on The Onion.

SpaceX recently unveiled plans to construct a $100 billion spaceport in Louisiana, which CEO Elon Musk has said will be the biggest launch site on Earth." The Onion shares everything you need to know about the facility. Q: Why Louisiana? A: To give locals the no-brainer choice between living in Louisiana and dying in space. [...]The post What To Know About Starbase, Louisiana appeared first on The Onion.

SAN FRANCISCO-Claiming that the small adjustment would be an effective way to bolster public support, artificial intelligence strategist Mark Freeling advised tech firms Tuesday to start calling data centers computer parties." While the term data centers' currently has many negative associations, the word computer parties' is just plain fun," said Freeling, who in a presentation [...]The post AI Strategist Suggests Calling Data Centers Computer Parties' appeared first on The Onion.

ARLINGTON, TX-Noting the text was chock-full" of anti-vampire bias, local woman Anna Lambert told reporters Tuesday that the author of the book she was reading had clearly been betrayed by a vampire in his past. He definitely has an ax to grind, because this vampire character is written as a total monster," said Lambert, who [...]The post Novelist Was Clearly Betrayed By A Vampire In His Past appeared first on The Onion.

CARLSBAD, CA-Desperately scanning the kitchen counter for anything besides a fruit or vegetable, local man Jeremy Drummond watched in silence Tuesday as his wife revealed all the things she brought home from the store that weren't Cheez-Its. Come on, come on, now that we've got all this health food out of the way, let's get [...]The post Man Watches In Silence As Wife Reveals All The Things She Brought Home From Store That Aren't Cheez-Its appeared first on The Onion.

NEW YORK-Condemning the widespread practice as cruel and inhumane," animal rights activists reportedly made comments Tuesday decrying the meat industry for separating calves from their cool uncles. It should shock our collective conscience that calves as young as a few hours old are ripped away from their mothers' fun, easygoing brothers," said activist Heather Bolton, [...]The post Activists Decry Meat Industry's Practice Of Separating Calves From Their Cool Uncles appeared first on The Onion.

EAST RUTHERFORD, NJ-Hoping that imagery strongly associated with success and winning will reignite fan enthusiasm, the New York Jets unveiled a line of Philadelphia Eagles"-themed alternate jerseys Thursday in an effort to boost merchandise sales.After several difficult seasons, we wanted to give Jets fans a shade of green that lets them proudly show their support," [...]The post Jets Hope To Sell More Merchandise With New Philadelphia Eagles'-Themed Jerseys appeared first on The Onion.

NEW YORK-Justifying the move as simply the next stage in journalism's continual evolution,The Wall Street Journalon Monday defended its decision to publish a Peggy Noonan-generated article. No matter how much you want to hold back the tide, you can't escape this obvious fact: The future of editorial writing is Noonan-based," said editorial page editor Paul [...]The post Wall Street Journal' Defends Decision To Publish Peggy Noonan-Generated Article appeared first on The Onion.

PHILADELPHIA-Admitting they had not expected the star forward to have such an immediate impact on the team, Philadelphia 76ers officials told reporters Monday they were taken aback by how quickly Jaylen Brown had converted nearly the entire roster to Islam. Like, one day he's going around introducing himself, and the next he's got everybody on [...]The post Sixers Front Office Startled By How Quickly Jaylen Brown Converted Rest Of Team To Islam appeared first on The Onion.

AURORA, IL-Confirming they would soon emerge from the nation's basements, computer labs, and AP History classrooms to dominate 5K courses across the nation, America's quiet, gangly kids in cargo pants announced Wednesday that they planned to be freakishly good at cross country this fall. You'll assume that our gaunt, 118-pound bodies are incapable of athletic [...]The post Nation's Quiet, Gangly Kids In Cargo Pants Announce Plans To Be Freakishly Good At Cross Country appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Calling the act a forward-looking attempt to preserve the nation's most precious natural treasures for the president's descendants, the Department of the Interior announced Monday that it would set aside a 2.3-million-acre stretch of American land for future Trumps to enjoy. We're proud to safeguard these beautiful forests, beaches, and mountaintops to ensure they can [...]The post Dept. Of Interior Sets Aside 2.3 Million Acres For Future Trumps To Enjoy appeared first on The Onion.

Iranian state media released a video that appeared to threaten the life of President Trump's youngest son, Barron, with the Islamic Republic placing a $10 million bounty on his head. What do you think?The post Iran Releases Video Threatening Barron Trump appeared first on The Onion.

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WASHINGTON-Prompting widespread concern among fans and followers, President Donald Trump uploaded a disturbing video of himself Friday rapidly twirling while holding knives. According to sources, the clip showed the commander-in-chief spinning around in the East Room in the Executive Residence, waving the blades close to his face as he danced and posed with them. The [...]The post Trump Posts Disturbing Video Of Himself Twirling With Knives appeared first on The Onion.

Stricter work requirements enacted in the Big Beautiful Bill have caused enrollment in the SNAP food assistance program to plummet over 13% over the past year as provisions kick in. What do you think?The post SNAP Enrollment Drops By Over 13% appeared first on The Onion.

With the competition for song of the summer in full swing, The Onion shares the 20 most popular tracks of July. The post Top Songs August 2026 appeared first on The Onion.

INDIANAPOLIS-Contending that the proposed restrictions were common sense" and necessary to preserve the integrity of the sport, Indiana Fever shooting guard Sophie Cunningham claimed Friday that any woman who averages more than eight points per game should not be allowed to play in the WNBA. Women who average more than 8.4 points, 2.3 rebounds, or [...]The post Sophie Cunningham Claims Any Woman Who Averages More Than 8 Points Per Game Should Not Be Allowed To Play In WNBA appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Revising the former timetable to reflect its latest public guidelines, the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services replaced the childhood vaccination schedule Friday with a list of recommended animal bites. It's highly important that kids receive at least 15 bites from a variety of mammals, reptiles, and insects before they reach the age of [...]The post HHS Replaces Childhood Vaccination Schedule With List Of Recommended Animal Bites appeared first on The Onion.

Larry Ellison is the co-founder and executive chairman of Oracle, as well as the largest shareholder of the Paramount Skydance Corporation. The Onion sat down with the billionaire to discuss his ventures. The Onion: How did you get into the entertainment industry? Ellison: I remember going to the movies as a kid, and when the [...]The post The Onion's Exclusive Interview With Larry Ellison appeared first on The Onion.

LOS ANGELES-Responding to scrutiny concerning her tech billionaire father, artist Stella Lefty admitted in an interview Friday that nepotism may have played a role in helping her get Groupon+. I had to set up the account myself, but yeah, I definitely have to recognize that not all aspiring artists have the privilege of scoring great [...]The post Stella Lefty Admits Nepotism May Have Helped Her Get Groupon+ appeared first on The Onion.

MIAMI-Saying the manosphere influencer vastly exaggerated aspects of his life in order to fabricate a social media persona,lawyers for Andrew Tate disclosed Thursday that he rented a brother to appear loved online. Despite all the videos of Andrew supposedly sparring with his brother at the gym or smoking cigars with him in a supercar, the [...]The post Lawyers Say Andrew Tate Rented Brother To Appear Loved Online appeared first on The Onion.

EDINBURGH, SCOTLAND-Shelving the game indefinitely after major spoilers about the plot leaked online, fed-up developers at Rockstar Games announced Thursday that the company was canceling Grand Theft Auto VI because you fucking people don't deserve it." We had this whole exciting game all planned out for you, and you assholes had to go and fuck [...]The post Fed-Up Rockstar Cancels GTA VI' appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-His voice shaking even more than usual as he grew excited over his impending torment, a trembling Robert F. Kennedy Jr. was overheard Thursday telling a dominatrix to use processed foods on his balls. Mistress Jessica, I've been a bad little health and human services secretary, and I...I deserve to have my pathetic nuts punished [...]The post Trembling RFK Jr. Tells Dominatrix To Use Processed Foods On His Balls appeared first on The Onion.

SEATTLE-Exhibiting an air of practiced nonchalance as he mentioned his high-profile acquaintance, the Hinge date of area woman Melissa Jacobs was overheard Thursday dropping the name of the man who created Beetle Bailey. You know, what you just said reminds me of something my old buddy Mort-that's Inkpot Award winner Mort Walker, maybe you've heard [...]The post Date Name-Drops Creator Of Beetle Bailey' appeared first on The Onion.

White House aide Natalie Harp is drawing scrutiny from many political observers. The Onion shares everything you need to know about Harp and her background. Education: Liberty University School of Blond Woman Business Job Title: Senior Girl to the President Qualifications: Made a nice diorama of the Oval Office Your Estranged Aunt's Opinion Of Her: [...]The post Political Profile: Natalie Harp appeared first on The Onion.

THE HEAVENS-Her heart breaking when she discovered the Almighty fumbling over the most basic words on the page in front of Him, country music icon and noted humanitarian Dolly Parton was reportedly troubled to discover Wednesday that God was illiterate. I just about washed off my makeup from crying when I saw the Lord struggle [...]The post Dolly Parton Troubled To Find God Illiterate appeared first on The Onion.

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Prince Harry and his wife Meghan Markle are set to return to the U.K. six years after stepping back from royal duties and moving to the U.S. What do you think?The post Prince Harry, Meghan Markle Moving Back To U.K. appeared first on The Onion.

MENLO PARK, CA-Touting the new software update as a staggering innovation no other wearable technology could offer, CEO Mark Zuckerberg announced Wednesday that Meta's smart glasses would now remind users to blink to appear human. Every 30 to 60 seconds, our revolutionary heads-up display will prompt wearers to slowly close and then reopen their eyes [...]The post New Meta Glasses Feature Reminds Users To Blink To Appear Human appeared first on The Onion.

COLUMBUS, OH-Telling the 54-year-old there was no reason to panic over the fist-sized bulge that had recently begun shifting beneath the skin of his abdomen, local physician Alan Keller reportedly reassured patient Eric Madsen on Wednesday that the lump was probably just his body making an extra guy. At your age, it's perfectly normal to [...]The post Doctor Reassures Patient That Lump Probably Just Body Making Extra Guy appeared first on The Onion.

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DOYLESTOWN, PA-Expressing frustration over their friend's increasingly disinterested behavior in recent years, participants in a local fantasy football league confirmed Tuesday that they were rapidly losing patience with the one player in their group who has other things going on in his life. I swear to God, Brian [Fischer] needs to get his act together [...]The post Rest Of Fantasy League Losing Patience With Player Who Has Other Things Going On In His Life appeared first on The Onion.

PHILADELPHIA-Suggesting that the nation was increasingly prioritizing speed and efficiency in speaking, a report released Tuesday by researchers at the University of Pennsylvania found that more Americans are abandoning lengthy conversations in favor of one really big word. Our extensive surveys across race, age, and gender demographics reveal that most Americans would rather just say [...]The post Report: More Americans Abandoning Lengthy Conversations In Favor Of One Really Big Word appeared first on The Onion.

LOS ANGELES-Empowering their users to be completely upfront about their intentions, officials for the dating app Raya announced Tuesday they were launching an all-new PR Relationship Mode. Whether you're looking for a 23-year-old model to serve as your latest beard or a fellow Hollywood A-lister to help you promote your new blockbuster, Raya's PR Relationship [...]The post Raya Introduces New PR Relationship Mode appeared first on The Onion.

CHICAGO-Growing visibly alarmed as he speculated about the unclouded liquid's implications for his long-term health, 53-year-old Charles Lewis reportedly became terrified Tuesday morning after his urine came out clear for the first time in his life. Oh Jesus, it just looks like water-I've never seen it like that before," said Lewis, who became increasingly unsettled [...]The post Man Terrified After Urine Comes Out Clear For First Time In Life appeared first on The Onion.

MENLO PARK, CA-Providing an internal update on his latest breakthrough in the smart technology sector, Meta founder Mark Zuckerberg reportedly invited employees to behold the company's new AI" Monday as he lifted his top to display his tinfoil-covered nipples.Here, beneath my humble shirt, lies the future of hyperintelligent AI integration," said the billionaire tech CEO, [...]The post Behold, Meta's New AI,' Says Mark Zuckerberg Covering Nipples In Tinfoil appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Swarming the nation's airports as they rushed to board any available transatlantic flight,the U.S. populace decided Monday that if Harry and Meghan were going to the U.K., the rest of America was going with 'em. Sure, it'll be a big adjustment, but then again, what's the point of staying in this country if you can't [...]The post BREAKING: If Harry, Meghan Going To U.K., Then Heck, Rest Of America Going With 'Em! appeared first on The Onion.

Regulators around the world are cracking down on energy drinks, citing serious health risks associated with high levels of caffeine and sugar. The Onion examines the common myths and facts surrounding the popular beverage. MYTH: Excessive consumption can lead to depression and even suicidal thoughts. FACT: You can't aim a gun if your hand is [...]The post Energy Drinks: Myth Vs. Fact appeared first on The Onion.

THE HEAVENS-Noting that a marked downward trend had developed this fiscal year and showed no signs of stopping, The Lord God, Creator of Heaven and Earth, reported He was concerned Monday over what He called troubling" Q3 circumcision numbers. Sure, with the declining birth rate, we expect there to be some slight shrinkage in our [...]The post God Concerned By Q3 Circumcision Numbers appeared first on The Onion.

SAN MATEO, CA-Noting that the students had known about the assignment since their end-of-year dismissal back in May, Sofia Suarez, a biology teacher at Hillsdale High School, informed her class Wednesday that she was disappointed no one had done their summer dissecting.All right, you had three months to start on your fetal pig, but it [...]The post Biology Teacher Disappointed Nobody Did Assigned Summer Dissecting appeared first on The Onion.

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TOPEKA, KS-In a shocking announcement that instantly brought all dinner conversation to a screeching halt, local father Jesse Pflughaupt reportedly stunned his family Monday evening by proclaiming that he believes in werewolves. You can find werewolves in pretty much every country on Earth, and the scary thing is they look just like you and me," [...]The post Dad Stuns Family With Proclamation He Believes In Werewolves appeared first on The Onion.

Newly declassified documents show former Rep. Eric Swalwell admitted to the FBI that he had physical relations" with a suspected Chinese spy on a handful of occasions. What do you think?The post Former Rep. Eric Swalwell Admits To Physical Relations' With Chinese Spy appeared first on The Onion.

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Luigi Mangione pleaded guilty to federal stalking charges in the 2024 killing of UnitedHealthcare CEO Brian Thompson, facing a maximum sentence of life in prison. What do you think?The post Luigi Mangione Pleads Guilty appeared first on The Onion.