The Onion

READING, PA-Pushing back the order's previously estimated delivery time of 8:30 this evening, an Amazon update reportedly informed 28-year-old Emily Frakes on Tuesday that her package would now be arriving when the sky shattered, the sun shone black, and rivers wept like men. I only bought that humidifier because it said two-day delivery-now I've got [...]The post Amazon Update Says Package Now Arriving When The Sky Shatters, The Sun Shines Black, And Rivers Weep Like Men appeared first on The Onion.

PARK CITY, UT- Assuring himself that the most important thing to do in the present was to try to get his full eight hours of sleep, area man Greg Pappas, who was experiencing insomnia Monday night, reminded himself there would be plenty of time tomorrow to deal with the home invasion currently underway at his [...]The post Man Struggling To Sleep Reminds Self He Can Always Deal With Home Invasion In Morning appeared first on The Onion.

BRATTLEBORO, VT-Expressing frustration with the writer's ambiguous imagery and nonlinear writing style, sources confirmed Monday that it was unclear what the fuck the poet they were reading was on about. He keeps describing the bright ovals' of someone's eyes, but he never says who the person is or how we're supposed to feel about her-it's [...]The post Unclear What The Fuck Poet On About appeared first on The Onion.

SIOUX FALLS, SD-Said to be glowing" as it garnered heaps of praise from stunned guests and event staff alike, the cake served following the wedding ceremony of a local couple Josh Tibbs and Cindy Blevins received more compliments than the bride, nuptial attendees reported Saturday. Absolutely lovely-I knew it would be pretty, but wow, who [...]The post Wedding Cake Gets More Compliments Than Bride appeared first on The Onion.

Instagram launched Teen Accounts" last week, a new effort aimed at protecting users between 13 and 17. Here are some of the features the social media giant has developed to protect minors on the platform. Beheading limits: Instagram will now nudge teen users once they've reached their 60 minutes of daily execution content. Grooming timer: [...]The post New Features Coming To Instagram's Teen Accounts' appeared first on The Onion.

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DALLAS-Facing serious consequences for multiple violations of the league's HR guidelines, local NFL referee Greg Clancy reportedly came under fire this weekend for watching pornography on his work instant replay device. Unfortunately, Mr. Clancy was caught using his device for inappropriate conduct in a blatant breach of the employee code prohibiting pornography in the workplace," [...]The post NFL Referee Under Fire For Watching Porn On Instant Replay Device appeared first on The Onion.

NEW YORK-Offering football fans the chance to catch every testimony and cross-examination without having to change the channel, NFL Sunday Ticket announced this week that it is now allowing viewers to simulcast up to four domestic violence trials at the same time. It used to be that we would only have one or two big [...]The post NFL Sunday Ticket Allows Viewers To Simulcast Up To 4 Domestic Violence Trials At Once appeared first on The Onion.

YouTuber MrBeast is accused of creating unsafe employment conditions, including sexual harassment and misrepresenting contestants' odds at winning his new Amazon reality show's $5 million grand prize, in a lawsuit filed by five unnamed participants. What do you think?The post MrBeast Sued By Contestants For Unsafe Conditions appeared first on The Onion.

The United States Secret Service is under scrutiny again after former President Donald Trump was the target of a second assassination attempt in less than three months. The Onion examines ways the agency can boost Trump's security. Reduce number of ex-goon hires: The fewer agents who stumble into a room saying, Uhh, what's dat over [...]The post Ways Secret Service Can Improve Trump's Security appeared first on The Onion.

FARMINGTON HILLS, MI-Discussing the Second Amendment with Oprah Winfrey at a Michigan town hall last night, Vice President Kamala Harris admitted she may have gotten too comfortable when she remarked that any home intruders, burglars, litterbugs, or slow walkers near her house could expect to be shot. If somebody breaks into my house, knocks on [...]The post They're Getting Shot,' Kamala Harris Warns Home Intruders, Burglars, Litterbugs, Slow Walkers appeared first on The Onion.

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RALEIGH, NC-In the wake of an explosive report that revealed several controversial posts the lieutenantgovernor had made years ago on a pornographic website, North Carolina voters across the state told reporters Friday that they had abandoned Republican gubernatorial candidate Mark Robinson for Nude Africa user FootPapa12. Although we were previously excited to vote for Mark [...]The post North Carolina Voters Abandon Mark Robinson For Nude Africa User FootPapa12' appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Troubled by the potential political fallout from the North Carolina gubernatorial candidate's scandal, the American Black Nazi Party was reportedly worried Friday that Mark Robinson could hurt its other candidates down the ballot. Mark Robinson does not represent the African American Third Reich," said American Black Nazi Party chairwoman Sandra Higgins, who warned that by [...]The post American Black Nazi Party Worried Mark Robinson Could Hurt Other Candidates Down Ballot appeared first on The Onion.

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OLAND, SWEDEN-Assuring her children that she really meant it this time, Mother Earth reportedly insisted Friday that she didn't want any pagan sacrifices this autumn equinox. I know you think this is just me being self-effacing, but I genuinely don't want you to make a big thing of slitting the throat of a fatted calf [...]The post Mother Earth Insists She Doesn't Want Any Pagan Sacrifices This Equinox appeared first on The Onion.

LAKE OF FIRE, HELL-Complaining that it was almost impossible to get any torturing done with the constant interruption, hellspawn were reportedly annoyed Friday by the sound of earth's residents stomping around overhead. It's just unbelievably frustrating to be flaying the skin of aglutton or sodomite and not even be able to hear their screams over [...]The post Hellspawn Annoyed By Sound Of Earth's Residents Stomping Around Overhead appeared first on The Onion.

AFTON, WI-Remarking on the hay-stuffed decoy's surprisingly shapely form, passersby reported Friday that a scarecrow in a local cornfield boasted double-D breasts. Damn, she's got hay in all the right places, don't she?" area man Jim Bickford said to a group of visibly dumbstruck bystanders who either leered and catcalled or stood with jaws agape [...]The post Scarecrow Has Double Ds appeared first on The Onion.

The Golden Bachelorette, the latest spin-off from The Bachelor franchise, premiered Wednesday night on ABC. Here is everything you need to know about the reality dating series. Q: Why is it called The Golden Bachelorette? A: It tested better with audiences than The Bachelorette Who Will Likely Die in the Not Too Distant Future. Q: [...]The post What To Know About The Golden Bachelorette' appeared first on The Onion.

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WHIPPANY, NJ-Calling the contraceptive device a novel breakthrough in hormone-free birth control, the IUD brand Mirena unveiled a new intrauterine owl Thursday that perches near a patient's eggs to scare away sperm. This FDA-approved intrauterine owl can successfully frighten away sperm for up to eight years," said representative Quinn Hartford, who explained that the 32-millimeter [...]The post Mirena Unveils New Intrauterine Owl To Scare Sperm Away From Eggs appeared first on The Onion.

MILWAUKEE-Expressing elation over the discovery made during renovations of their newly purchased Victorian house, new homeowners Rick and Tanya Delaney were reportedly thrilled Thursday to find a pentagram carved into the hardwood floor beneath their living room carpet. It's in great shape for its age-I can't believe something this gorgeous was hidden under all that [...]The post New Homeowners Thrilled To Find Pentagram Carved Into Hardwood Floor Under Carpet appeared first on The Onion.

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ATHENS, OH-A Mexican migrant reportedly stole an occupational injury Wednesday from a hardworking American, seizing the opportunity for a broken arm from a resident who grew up in this country. I could have been the one out there fracturing my ulna and radius after falling off a truck during a nonunion contract gig, but that's [...]The post Migrant Steals Occupational Injury From Hard-Working American appeared first on The Onion.

MALIBU, CA-Groaning as his bruised head thumped along the tiled flooring, 35-year-old injured cyclist Paul Zablocki briefly regained consciousness to see Robert F. Kennedy Jr. dragging him by the legs into the former presidential candidate's kitchen, sources reported Wednesday. Confused and bleary-eyed upon awakening, Zablocki reportedly noticed a feral aroma of what seemed to be [...]The post Injured Cyclist Briefly Regains Consciousness To See RFK Jr. Dragging Him Into Kitchen appeared first on The Onion.

LOS ANGELES-Assuring him the right part would come along eventually, actor Will Bachman's agent informed him Thursday that, after a lengthy casting process, the producers of the television pilot he auditioned for had chosen to go with a dog in the role instead. It was very competitive, and you should feel proud to have gotten [...]The post Actor Informed Producers Decided To Go With A Dog For The Role appeared first on The Onion.

PALM BEACH, FL-Hoping to boost sales of her new book, Melania Trump announced Tuesday that the first 1,000 people to preorder her memoir Melania would see her face in their dreams until they die. I am so excited to be sharing my story, and I want to show my gratitude by offering a few lucky [...]The post Melania Trump Announces First 1,000 People To Preorder New Memoir Will See Her Face In Their Dreams Until Death appeared first on The Onion.

TOLEDO, OH-Saying the man's hodgepodge of threats, insults, and expletives lacked a compelling central thread, sources confirmed Tuesday that 41-year-old Ed Thassler wasn't really articulating a cohesive reason as to why the guy who cut him off in traffic should go fuck himself. I can understand that he's angry about my driving back there, but [...]The post Man Not Really Articulating Cohesive Reason Why Guy Who Cut Him Off Should Go Fuck Himself appeared first on The Onion.

WEST PALM BEACH, FL-In the wake of the second attempt on Donald Trump's life in the past three months, sources confirmed Monday that the man who allegedly attempted to shoot the 45th president of the United States, Ryan Wesley Routh, was buying AR-15s nonstop while in custody. Somehow, despite being detained and under strict police [...]The post Trump Assassination Suspect Buying AR-15s Nonstop While In Custody appeared first on The Onion.

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PHOENIX-Appealing to his base with a new line of attack against immigrants, former President Donald Trump took to the campaign trail Monday to warn that those in the country illegally were taking all the good vanity plates. Every day, people come up to me to tell me they can't get the very clever, personalized license [...]The post Trump Warns Immigrants Taking All The Good Vanity Plates appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Removing his aviators and crouching down to take a better look, U.S. Secretary of Transportation Pete Buttigieg reportedly examined a set of tire tracks Mondays and confirmed, with a swipe of his finger across the asphalt, that they were still fresh. Still warm, too," said the former South Bend, IN mayor, dabbing his finger onto [...]The post Still Fresh,' Says Crouching Pete Buttigieg Swiping Finger Across Tire Tracks On Street appeared first on The Onion.

After analyzing the skulls and brain tissue of nine people buried in a mid-17th-century Italian hospital's crypt, researchers at the University of Milan found that two had most likely used cocaine, offering the earliest evidence of cocaine use in Europe. What do you think?The post Study Finds Europeans Used Cocaine Earlier Than Once Thought appeared first on The Onion.

Recent polls show support for former President Donald Trump is falling among women voters. Here are some of the strategies Trump and his campaign staff are using to try to win women back before November. Promising to declutter their rights:Women will embrace the opportunity to simplify their lives by having fewer choices.Providing empowering female representation:To [...]The post How Trump Is Appealing To Women Voters appeared first on The Onion.

MOSCOW-Explaining that Russia's patience on the matter had finally reached a breaking point, officials in Moscow confirmed Friday they had expelled six British diplomats who would not shut up aboutDoctor Who. London must realize that their diplomats' incessant jabbering about Time Lord physiology and whether Daleks or Cybermen are stronger can only go on so [...]The post Moscow Expels 6 British Diplomats Who Would Not Shut Up About Doctor Who' appeared first on The Onion.

FOSTORIA, OH-Claiming such accounts chilled him to the very bone, Ohio resident Danny Gleisner, 53, told reporters Friday that he felt deeply disturbed by reports of Haitian immigrants in the state eating vegetables. All this I'm hearing about Haitians chopping up and eating produce just doesn't sit right with me," said Gleisner, explaining that while [...]The post Ohioan Disturbed By Reports Of Haitians Eating Vegetables appeared first on The Onion.

Researchers at Stanford University have discovered that a common yellow food dye can make skin, muscle, and connective tissues temporarily transparent in mice, with scientists able to see blood vessels in the rodent's brain after smearing it on the animal's scalp. What do you think?The post Food Dye Used In Doritos Makes Mice's Skin Transparent appeared first on The Onion.

Ultra-processed foods are a category of foods that includes frozen pizzas, sodas, and sweetened breakfast cereals.The Onionexamines the myths and facts surrounding ultra-processed foods. MYTH: Ultra-processed foods contain few nutrients. FACT: Ultra-processed foods are rich in simple carbohydrates, sodium, and trans fats. MYTH: Ultra-processed foods have little value. FACT: It's impossible to quantify how much [...]The post Ultra-Processed Foods: Myth Vs. Fact appeared first on The Onion.

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VATICAN CITY-In an effort to curb a rising number of immoral offenses, the Corps of Gendarmerie of Vatican City announced Friday the deployment of a new unit of highly trained sin-sniffing dogs. This unit of elite K-9 officers has been taught to alert their handlers to sinful behavior by loudly barking and immediately engaging the [...]The post Vatican City Police Unveil New Unit Of Sin-Sniffing Dogs appeared first on The Onion.

SAN CLEMENTE, CA-Taking a long, full sip of her wine and exclaiming that her children were miracles," local mother Jane Donahue was reportedly drunk enough Friday to start listing off the names she'd given to each of her miscarriages. Boys...boys, I don't think I ever told you, but you were supposed to have a beautiful, [...]The post Mother Drunk Enough To Start Listing Names Of Miscarriages appeared first on The Onion.

In celebration of the series's 25th anniversary, HBO has releasedWise Guy: David Chase And The Sopranos, a new two-part documentary about the making of the series featuring interviews with the creator, cast, and crew.The Onionshares the most shocking takeaways from the documentary.The post Most Shocking Takeaways From HBO's New Sopranos' Documentary appeared first on The Onion.