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by The Onion Staff on (#76BFX)
CHICAGO-Anticipating the announcement would rank among the biggest scoops of his career, ESPN senior NBA insider Shams Charania is said to have casually mentioned to his colleagues Tuesday that he was really looking forward to breaking the news of Michael Jordan's eventual death. When MJ dies, I'll be right there with a breaking news' post [...]The post Shams Charania Casually Tells Colleagues He Really Looking Forward To Breaking Michael Jordan's Death appeared first on The Onion.
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The Onion
| Link | https://theonion.com/ |
| Feed | https://www.theonion.com/rss |
| Updated | 2026-07-27 17:18 |
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by The Onion Staff on (#76BFW)
The post Elderly Man Uses Library To Print Out Pornography appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#76BFV)
New Education Department data found a double-digit decline in the number of school-aged children who read for fun almost every day, with the share of 13-year-olds who regularly read for pleasure down almost half since 2012. What do you think?The post Study: Reading For Fun Down Among Schoolchildren appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#76B32)
Singer-songwriter Olivia Rodrigo has released her highly anticipated third studio album, You Seem Pretty Sad For A Girl So In Love. Here's everything you need to know about the artist. Age: 24-year-old Gen Xer Hobbies: Music Signature Look: Scrutinized Fans Call Themselves: Pitchfork staff writers Unreleased Songs Comparing Herself To Sham, The Star Thoroughbred Who [...]The post Artist Profile: Olivia Rodrigo appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#76B05)
Many online criticized NASA's decision to select only male astronauts for its upcoming Artemis III mission, with Administrator Jared Isaacman claiming that the agency assigns the crew that gives the mission the best chance of meeting its objectives." What do you think?The post NASA Criticized For Selecting All-Male Artemis III Crew appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#76B06)
LOS ANGELES-Saying a courtesy call would have been nice even if nothing ever came of it, E.T. told reporters Monday he was shocked at not being contacted by director Steven Spielberg for a cameo in his new sci-fi movieDisclosure Day.I knew I wasn't going to be the lead, which was totally fine, but are you [...]The post E.T. Admits Shock At Not Even Being Called For Cameo In Disclosure Day' appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#76B07)
OAKLAND, CA-Stressing that it was never okay to criticize someone's appearance, Ariana Grande fans reportedly took to social media Monday to slam body-shamers for pointing out that the singer was actively on fire. One, she's always been naturally flammable, and two, she's asked people to stop talking about the fire multiple times," said 29-year-old Emma [...]The post Ariana Grande Fans Slam Body-Shamers For Pointing Out Singer Actively On Fire appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#76AQA)
The post Back Of Gatorade Bottle Features Recipe For Gatorade Casserole appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#76AQ9)
NEW YORK-Warning that millions of men aged 35 and older would be left utterly adrift following the traumatic loss, researchers at Columbia University published a study Monday that revealed the majority of middle-aged men in the United States lacked the support network they would need to handle singer-songwriter Neil Young's death. It's deeply concerning that [...]The post Study: Majority Of Middle-Aged Men Lack Support Network They'll Need To Handle Neil Young's Death appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#76AQ8)
NEW YORK-Condemning the unlawful possession of its property by generations of spectators, Major League Baseball issued a recall Monday of all foul balls that have ever been taken home from its ballparks. These balls belong to Major League Baseball, and we want them back," said MLB commissioner Rob Manfred, stressing that any fan who has [...]The post MLB Demands Return Of All Foul Balls appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#768XB)
WASHINGTON-Saying they saw no reason to limit any potential agricultural use of the flammable combination of gelling agents and gasoline, officials at the U.S. Environmental Protection Agency approved napalm as a pesticide Friday.Following a thorough review, the EPA has found that napalm, with its ability to burn at temperatures exceeding 2,000 degrees Fahrenheit, is highly [...]The post EPA Approves Use Of Napalm As Pesticide appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#768XA)
ORLANDO, FL-In an effort to attract first-time clientele and bring back old fans, Italian American restaurant chain Olive Garden unveiled its new We Invented Spaghetti" slogan Friday during a call with investors.We want Americans to know that when you're at Olive Garden, you're not just getting a delicious meal at an unbeatable price, you're also [...]The post Olive Garden Unveils New We Invented Spaghetti' Slogan appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#768X9)
CHICAGO-Having confirmed the shocking development with numerous top-level sources, a depressed Shams Charania broke the news Thursday that he has absolutely no one.Per multiple industry insiders, I can confirm that I've driven away everyone who ever cared about me in this world, and now I'm all alone with my miserable self," the dejected, unshaven NBA [...]The post Depressed Shams Charania Breaks Scoop That He Has No One appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#768X8)
Your mother, 67, is fine, but this is just a reminder that she could go at any moment. Give her a call.The post Your Mother appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#768X7)
More than 26 million U.S. children attend summer camp every year. The Onion examines the pros and cons of sending your kids to overnight camp. PRO Opportunity to make friends from different gated communities Forces bed-wetters to get their shit together Grants parents much-needed private arguing time Bee sting EpiPen was going to expire in [...]The post Pros And Cons Of Sleepaway Camp appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#768X6)
NEW YORK-Urging audiences to see his new film on the biggest screen possible, Disclosure Day director Steven Spielberg claimed in an interview Friday that IMAX provided the best way to experience Josh O'Connor's soulful yet vulnerable eyes. In order for you to feel swept away in those deep emerald pools the way I intended, you [...]The post Steven Spielberg Claims IMAX Best Way To Experience Josh O'Connor's Soulful Yet Vulnerable Eyes appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#768X5)
A new paper published by the National Bureau of Economic Research found that the release of the Apple iPhone in 2007 contributed to a decline in the birth rate, especially among teens and young adults. What do you think?The post Study Finds iPhone Lowered Birth Rate appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#768X4)
The post Embarrassed Woman Scrambles To Stop Emotionally Resonating With Movie Before Lights Come On appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#768DJ)
A recent poll found that only 66% of Americans claim that a democratically elected government is important to the United States' national identity, with those aged 18-29 reporting the lowest belief in U.S. democracy's centrality at only 51%. What do you think?The post Poll: Fewer Americans Say Democracy Central To U.S. Identity appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#768AY)
The post Nancy Mace Introduces Bill To Separate Gubernatorial Races By Gender appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#7688H)
The post Trump Boys Bulk Up For UFC Fight By Chugging Sour Cream appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#7682J)
LEAWOOD, KS-Remarking that it seemed a tad excessive" to own more than a dozen of the recreational bouncing devices, pop star Taylor Swift reportedly urged fiance Travis Kelce on Thursday to whittle down the number of trampolines on their wedding registry to one.That's a lot of trampolines, babe, and you can really only bounce on [...]The post Taylor Swift Urges Travis Kelce To Whittle Down Trampolines On Registry To One appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#7682H)
NEW YORK-Touting the initiative as a way to bring love for the Orange and Blue to the places that need it most," the New York Mets front office announced Thursday that franchise mascot Mr. Met had embarked on a missionary trip to the Amazon rainforest to spread Mets fandom to the region's uncontacted tribes.As we [...]The post Mr. Met Embarks On Missionary Trip To Spread Mets Fandom To Uncontacted Amazon Tribes appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#7682G)
CLAYMONT, DE-As part of its effort to make the popular consumer-led food safety platform kid-friendly and provide parents with tools for oversight, IWasPoisoned.com announced Friday that it was now offering teen accounts.Starting today, new restrictions have been placed on the accounts of IWasPoisoned.com users under the age of 18, who will now need permission to [...]The post IWasPoisoned.com Introduces New Teen Accounts appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#7682F)
The post Tour In Peril After Noah Kahan Refuses To Come Down From Tree appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#7682E)
Marty Peters and Karen Roth: Huh-the happy couple's in loving memory" table had a picture of Hulk Hogan.The post Marty Peters and Karen Roth appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#7682D)
On Sunday, the same day as President Trump's 80th birthday, the White House will host UFC Freedom 250 on the South Lawn. The Onion takes a look at the key facts and figures behind the unprecedented mixed martial arts event. $1.2 million Cost of restoring Thomas Jefferson's original Octagon 5 Drinks before shirtless Pete Hegseth [...]The post The White House UFC Fight By The Numbers appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#7682C)
DENVER-Frustrated by his fixation on a totally irrelevant topic at the expense of issues that actually matter to Americans, numerous voters told reporters this week that congressional candidate Ted Botello was campaigning for office with no better ideas than improving the economy. This guy won't stop talking about how he's going to make life more [...]The post Politician With No Better Ideas Decides To Campaign On Improving The Economy appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#767DR)
A McDonald's employee in California suffered severe burns across his face and body after a coworker tossed hot oil on him, the reason for the attack remaining unknown. What do you think?The post McDonald's Worker Suffers Severe Burns After Being Attacked With Hot Oil appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#7677C)
SAN FRANCISCO-Expanding their offerings of erectile health products, male-focused wellness brand Hims announced a new line of folders Wednesday for holding in front of embarrassing boners. These safe, discreet folders are specially formulated to ensure you are the only one who knows that you are fully engorged," said brand representative Erica DeLeon, touting the generic [...]The post Hims Introduces New Line Of Folders To Hold In Front Of Embarrassing Boners appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#7677B)
MINNEAPOLIS-Nonchalantly bringing up the act of violent resistance while discussing a fun evening she had with her friends, local mom Rebecca Peters casually mentioned Wednesday to her son Miles that her bunco group had thrown Molotov cocktails at ICE the previous week. Yeah, me and the bunco gals lit a few liquor bottles on fire [...]The post Mom Casually Mentions Her Bunco Group Threw Molotov Cocktails At ICE Last Week appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#7677A)
Despite advances in technology, training, and performance optimization, some achievements in sports have stood the test of time. The following athletic records remain unbroken.The post The Most Unbreakable Records In Sports History appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#76779)
MIAMI-In an official filing with the U.S. Department of Labor, Amazon employees alleged Monday that they had been exposed to inhumane working conditions while staffing the human chessboard that executive chairman Jeff Bezos maintains on the grounds of his Florida compound.We're not allowed to take breaks of any kind," one Amazon worker said on the [...]The post Amazon Employees Detail Inhumane Working Conditions On Bezos' Human Chessboard appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#76778)
What are you doing here? This is not for piddling swine like you. Be gone! Back to your frumpy duplex you go! Reference #295432The post Chic Apartment With Designer Furniture appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#76777)
BEVERLY HILLS, CA-Staggering out into the blinding light of day,Euphoriashowrunner Sam Levinson reportedly emerged from a 7-year drug binge Wednesday horrified to learn what he had created. Wait, I did what?" said a shaky, bleary-eyed Levinson as he looked through his phone in an attempt to piece together everything that had happened since 2019, a [...]The post Sam Levinson Emerges From 7-Year Drug Binge Horrified At What He Created appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#76776)
Doug Valdez, 91, passed away early Friday morning in an attempt to beat the weekend rush into heaven.The post Doug Valdez appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#76775)
The post Rick Brunson Tests Jalen Brunson Again On What To Say When Press Asks About Bruises appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#766SQ)
Actor Idris Elba dismissed longstanding rumors that he would be the next James Bond, calling the speculation unrealistic" and claiming that many global audiences would never accept a Black male in the iconic role. What do you think?The post Idris Elba Says Some Audiences Won't Accept Black James Bond appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#766SR)
The post Trump Still Sleeping In MSG Seat appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#766FC)
Hello. I am a horse. I work very hard at my job of being a horse. When humans say move the heavy thing, I move the heavy thing. When humans sit on top of me and pull on my head, I carry them where they want to go. The main food the humans give me [...]The post I Work Very Hard, And I Would Like To Try Cake appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#766CZ)
BALTIMORE-Responding to widespread proliferation of the technology in Americans' daily lives, doctors at Johns Hopkins University warned Thursday that air fryers should not be considered an adequate substitute for human companionship.An air fryer can be a powerful and reliable tool, but it's no replacement for genuine interactions with other human beings," said psychiatrist Lisa McDougan, [...]The post Doctors Warn Air Fryers Not A Substitute For Human Companionship appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#766CY)
TENAFLY, NJ-According to Roosevelt Elementary custodian Thanasis Danielopoulos, faculty and staff at the school are often surprised when they learn that back in his home country of Greece, he was a demigod.People are usually shocked when I tell them my mom was a maiden and my dad was a rain god who took the form [...]The post Greek Custodian Used To Be Demigod Back In Home Country appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#766CX)
The pair said I do" Friday after a whirlwind meeting with their tax preparer.The post Sara Morse and Beth Lozano appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#766CW)
The post Schtick-Starter appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#766CV)
The post Blindfolded Love Island USA' Contestants Challenged To Guess Who Saying Slur appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#7663N)
NEW YORK-Growing increasingly indignant with each passing possession, President Donald Trump reportedly spent the first quarter of Monday's Game 3 of the NBA Finals angrily demanding that Knicks guard Jalen Brunson put on a suit. You're telling me this guy is supposed to be the star, yet he goes out on the court wearing, what, [...]The post Trump Angrily Demands Jalen Brunson Put On Suit appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#7662F)
The post Kylie Jenner Told Nachos Were Sent By Fat Joe appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#765YG)
The post NYPD Attempts To Deter Terrorists At NBA Finals By Doubling Assassination Fees appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#765RD)
The post Trump Claims He Never Promised A Livable Country appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#765K1)
WASHINGTON-Admitting that his prior beliefs regarding conflagrations had been formed out of ignorance, longtime U.S. Forest Service icon Smokey Bear issued a statement Monday claiming that his views on wildfires had evolved. You have to understand, when I was coming up in the '40s, these fires were talked about in an almost entirely negative context, [...]The post Smokey Bear Claims Views On Wildfires Have Evolved appeared first on The Onion.
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