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by The Onion Staff on (#754BX)
WASHINGTON-Alleging that the shows had grown shamefully timid and unexciting to watch in recent years, a furious President Donald Trump posted a lengthy Truth Social rant late last night in which he claimed circuses were not violent enough. When I was a kid, a lot more people and animals got hurt, but not anymore-total disgrace!" [...]The post Trump Posts Late-Night Truth Social Rant Claiming Circuses Not Violent Enough appeared first on The Onion.
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The Onion
| Link | https://theonion.com/ |
| Feed | https://www.theonion.com/rss |
| Updated | 2026-06-08 12:32 |
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by The Onion Staff on (#753SP)
The post Fractures Emerge Between GOP's Pro-Pedophilia, Extremely Pro-Pedophilia Wings appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#753KC)
The post Apple Backs Up Tim Cook's Memories To Port Over Into Next CEO appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#753GB)
WASHINGTON-Denouncing what they called a sickening" misrepresentation of the facts, critics of a new Michael Jackson biopic argued Monday that the movie brazenly depicted Neverland Ranch with way cooler rides than it actually had. Michael is a shameless whitewashing of ride options that frankly were no better than what you'd encounter at a ramshackle roadside [...]The post Michael' Criticized For Depicting Neverland Ranch With Cooler Rides Than It Actually Had appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#753DK)
CARMI, IL-Expressing anxiety over the immense pressure it faced to become various food products, a local legume confided to reporters Tuesday that it wished it could just be a soybean and have that be enough. I don't want to be a sauce, I don't want to be an oil, I don't want to be tofu [...]The post Soybean Wishes It Could Just Be A Soybean And Have That Be Enough appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#753DJ)
WASHINGTON-Saying the opportunity to masterfully execute a difficult parking job was never far from their minds, the nation's dads confirmed Tuesday a deep yearning for the chance to back a large vehicle into a tight spot. Oh yeah, I could definitely fit a van back there," said Maryland father George Packard, echoing the sentiments of [...]The post Nation's Dads Yearn For Chance To Back Large Vehicle Into Tight Spot appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#753DH)
The post UFC Broadcasters Look Like It appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#752WC)
Cicadas referred to as stragglers" because they emerge off-cycle may appear this year despite their broods not being expected to emerge, with scientists unsure how they lose track of time. What do you think?The post Straggler Cicadas To Appear appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#752PT)
Let me tell you a story. When I was a child, I suffered from night terrors. It was always the same dream: I could hear my family and neighbors wailing in the street outside as they were pursued and then destroyed by a nameless malevolent force, something neither I nor anyone else could control, a [...]The post At Long Last, InfoWars Is Ours appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#752PV)
A Florida doctor was charged with second-degree manslaughter after accidentally removing a patient's liver instead of his spleen. What do you think?The post Surgeon Charged After Removing Wrong Organ appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#752PW)
LOS ANGELES-Teasing an exciting new direction for the series, Beef showrunner Lee Sung Jin revealed Monday that the third season of his hit Netflix drama would focus on an escalating feud between a cartoon mouse and a cartoon cat. I'm still ironing out the details, but I can tell you now that the conflict will [...]The post Beef' Creator Reveals Season 3 Will Focus On Escalating Feud Between Cartoon Mouse, Cat appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#752HA)
ST. LOUIS-Voicing frustration as he discussed his lack of even the most rudimentary skills, local man Henry Right told reporters Monday that he had finally gotten good enough at his new hobby to understand just how bad he is at it. I picked up the guitar last year, and after endless hours of private lessons [...]The post Man Finally Good Enough At New Hobby To Understand How Bad He Is At It appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#752H9)
The post Uber Driver Casually Mentions This His First Time Driving appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#752H8)
NEW YORK-Following a scene in which numerous high-profile attendees were observed violently clawing at their own skin, officials at Madison Square Garden acknowledged Wednesday that a severe bedbug outbreak was spread throughout Knicks' celebrity row by actor Michael Rapaport during the evening's game.Witnesses reported that Rapaport arrived visibly disheveled, repeatedly raking his fingernails across clusters [...]The post Michael Rapaport Gives Knicks' Celebrity Row Bedbugs appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#752H7)
Lena Dunham recently released a polarizing new memoir in which she reflects on her rise to fame, past relationships, and the success of Girls. The Onion sat down with the writer to discuss some of the experiences detailed in Famesick. The Onion: What's your new book about?Dunham: I decided to step outside my comfort zone [...]The post The Onion's Exclusive Interview With Lena Dunham appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#7518K)
INDIO, CA-Generating mixed reactions from festivalgoers during her headline performance at Coachella, pop star Sabrina Carpenter reportedly turned her body fully inside out Friday in a horrific new position for her song Juno." Have you ever tried this one?" the singer said in an uncharacteristically cold, distorted voice, lowering herself to the stage and contorting [...]The post Sabrina Carpenter Turns Body Fully Inside Out In Horrific New Juno' Position appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#75120)
WASHINGTON-In what is being characterized as a massive middle finger to millions of furious motorists, oil prices plummeted Friday, delivering a big fuck-you to all the Americans who gassed up their vehicles yesterday. Nobody was hit harder than the suckers who filled their tanks mere hours before the ceasefire between Israel and Lebanon caused the [...]The post Oil Prices Plummet In Big Fuck-You To Americans Who Got Gas Yesterday appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#75121)
Getting a haircut you truly love can be a challenge. The Onion shares tips for getting better haircuts. Be as specific as possible when describing which Zootopia character you want to look like. Tell your stylist what you want and, more importantly, what you're willing to do to their family if you don't get it. [...]The post Tips For Getting Better Haircuts appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#75122)
LOS ANGELES-Accusing the actor of abusing the all-powerful Life Current that binds the universe together, Lena Dunham claimed Friday that Adam Driver used the Force on the set of the HBO series Girls. It can really create a toxic work environment when a coworker you thought was your friend suddenly begins shooting lightning out of [...]The post Lena Dunham Claims Adam Driver Used The Force On Set Of Girls' appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#750ZC)
TMZ, the tabloid news organization known for sensationalized celebrity gossip, has opened a Washington bureau and turned its sights on politicians. What do you think?The post TMZ Launches D.C. Bureau appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#750ZD)
The post Live Nation CEO Sentenced To 10 Years In Online Queue appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#750ZE)
INDIO, CA-Expressing shock and disappointment at the conduct of so-called music fans, representatives for concert promoter Goldenvoice announced Friday that Coachella's second weekend had been canceled after drugs were found on the grounds of the festival. After discovering what we believe to be illegal substances within the bounds of Empire Polo Club, we have made [...]The post Coachella Cancels Weekend 2 After Drugs Found On Festival Grounds appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#750ZF)
In an announcement that caused its stock to rally almost 600%, Allbirds said it would stop making its well-known minimalist, sustainable shoes and become an AI infrastructure company. What do you think?The post Allbirds Pivots To AI appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#750T4)
LOS ANGELES-Seeking to clear up any ambiguity once and for all, four-time NBA Most Valuable Player LeBron James indicated to reporters Friday which of his Los Angeles Lakers teammates are and are not, in fact, his children. Bronny James is the only blood relative I have on the team, and a helpful way to remember [...]The post LeBron Clarifies Which Teammates Are, Are Not His Children appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#750T3)
THOMASVILLE, GA-Paralyzed by the weight of the choice before him, local man Sam Corrigan reportedly spent several agonizing minutes Monday deciding which of his shirts was worthy of the single wooden hanger he owns.I mean...it should probably be something with a collar, right?" said Corrigan, quietly holding up a nice $60 button-up he got on [...]The post Man Torn Over Which Shirt Worthy Of Wooden Hanger appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#750T2)
The post All Marlins Walk-Up Songs Royalty-Free appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#750T1)
The post What Are We Protesting? appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#750T0)
Zoe Peters died at 76 from a heart attack, assuming the medical examiner accepts her husband's bribe.The post Zoe Peters appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#750BB)
The post Sure, Nation Won't Say No To Another Reason To Hate Katy Perry appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#7508W)
The post Soaring Gas Prices Forcing More Americans To Drink Less Gas appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#75067)
The post White House Doctor: The President Has Very Strong Nipples' appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#7502Q)
After leaving fans waiting for more than four years, Euphoria is back for its third and final season. The Onion shares everything you need to know about the HBO drama. Q: Which members of the cast are returning? A: Willingly, none of them. Q: How many episodes will there be? A: This season will make [...]The post What To Know About Euphoria' Season 3 appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#74ZWD)
ATHENS, GA-Noting that the dead body was far more handsome" than her deceased brother, local woman Danielle Lundy confirmed the casket she purchased this week still had a stock corpse inside. I get that they want to sell caskets, but it feels kind of dishonest to put these perfect dead bodies with their ideal facial [...]The post Casket Still Has Stock Corpse In It appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#74ZWC)
STANFORD, CA-Calling it a pretty slow one" as far as natural selection and genetic drift were concerned, biologists from Stanford University confirmed Tuesday that not much evolution happened today.According to our observations over the past 24 hours, the vast majority of species on earth have pretty much just been holding steady and staying the course, [...]The post Biologists Confirm Not Much Evolution Happened Today appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#74ZWB)
WATERBURY, CT-Admitting his career had come between him and what mattered most, local man Andrew Tesser confirmed Thursday that mounting work obligations had caused him to seriously neglect his relationship with alcohol.I thought I had it under control, but then I got promoted, and suddenly I was skipping every happy hour to stay late on [...]The post Increased Work Commitments Causing Man To Neglect Alcohol appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#74ZWA)
NEW YORK-In an eight-hour-long video posted Tuesday to the Criterion Collection's YouTube channel, actor Nick Offerman can be seen paying a visit to the Criterion Closet to rebuild the film library's shelves.Don't tell me you've been using particle board in here," said the 55-year-old woodworker, who frowned, rolled up his sleeves, and began unshelving hundreds [...]The post Nick Offerman Visits Criterion Closet To Rebuild Shelves appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#74ZW9)
Nuptials were held at the same convenience store where the bride first threatened to put a bullet in the groom's skull if he didn't empty the fucking register.The post Teresa Willis and Brendan Cooks appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#74ZCT)
Roblox announced the introduction of new age-based accounts for young users that allow for greater parental controls, preventing players under 16 from fully accessing the chat function. What do you think?The post Roblox Introduces Age-Based Accounts appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#74Z7S)
Over 1,000 major Hollywood power players such as Ben Stiller, J.J. Abrams, Jane Fonda, and Sopranos creator David Chase signed an open letter opposing Paramount's proposed merger with Warner Bros., claiming it will result in fewer opportunities for creators, fewer jobs across the production ecosystem, higher costs, and less choice for audiences." What do you [...]The post Hollywood Stars Pen Open Letter Opposing Paramount-Warner Bros. Merger appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#74Z4Q)
The post Moonshot Their Wad appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#74Z1X)
CHICAGO-Concluding that the costs of keeping such a device in the bedroom far exceeded the benefits, a study released Monday by the University of Chicago's sleep lab found a strong link between poor sleep and the presence of a gong.Our research consistently revealed that one of the best predictors of a sleepless night was having [...]The post Poor Sleep Linked To Gong appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#74Z1W)
DULUTH, MN-Overjoyed to have a full house for the first time since everyone went off to college, local mother Leslie Daniels confirmed Thursday it was a dream come true to have all her children back home, a reunion made possible only by the merciless and punishing economic conditions that have stripped an entire generation of [...]The post Brutal Economy Fulfills Mom's Dream Of Having All Her Kids Back Home appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#74Z1V)
NEW YORK-Calling the move the logical next phase in the league's continuing expansion into new markets, the NFL announced Monday that, beginning next season, it would begin staging several games across various epochs of history.We've seen tremendous growth from bringing the game to destinations like London, Berlin, and Mexico City, and now we're planning on [...]The post NFL Announces Multiple Games Next Season To Be Played Across Ancient History appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#74Z1T)
Room and board provided, but you will need to earn your keep. Your quarters are the garret, where you will sleep in silence beside the groundskeeper. One stick of firewood allotted on Christmas Day, if you have proven satisfactory. Reference #520739The post Wretches Welcome appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#74Z1S)
Tanya Brown, 46, died Wednesday when she was unable to prevent her driverless vehicle from dragging her through a slaughterhouse.The post Tanya Brown appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#74Y8A)
The post The Best Books To Motivate And Inspire You appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#74YBQ)
VILLENA, SPAIN-Shrugging off the notion that it required any special talent or discipline to become the youngest player in history to complete the career Grand Slam, 22-year-old tennis superstar Carlos Alcaraz credited his massive success in the sport Tuesday to the fact that tennis is the easiest game in the world. All you need to [...]The post Carlos Alcaraz Credits Success To Tennis Being Easiest Game In The World appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#74YBR)
As the first supreme pontiff from the United States, Pope Leo XIV has balanced anti-war and climate advocacy with tending to the diverse spiritual needs of the Catholic Church's 1.4 billion followers. The Onion sat down with the bishop of Rome so he could lay out his vision for the church in the 21st century. [...]The post The Onion's Exclusive Interview With Pope Leo XIV appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#74YBS)
SILVER SPRING, MD-Revealing plans to lift all unnecessary regulations surrounding the use of lab-developed amino acid chains, the Food and Drug Administration announced Tuesday that it had loosened restrictions on dousing children with synthetic peptides until something happens. If you dunk your kids in enough artificial peptides, something cool will eventually take place," said agency [...]The post FDA Loosens Restrictions On Dousing Children With Synthetic Peptides Until Something Happens appeared first on The Onion.
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