The Onion

Gail Barnsom, 74, tragically lost her battle with escalators Thursday.The post Gail Barnsom appeared first on The Onion.

Critics like RFK Jr. and health-conscious social media influencers often claim seed oils like canola, soybean, and safflower oil contain toxic byproducts caused by the extraction process. The Onion dispels the common myths surrounding seed oils. MYTH: Seed oils cause inflammation. FACT: The science on this will reverse itself six times over the next 100 [...]The post Seed Oils: Myth Vs. Fact appeared first on The Onion.

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QUANTICO, VA-Racking his brain for answers as he gazed out at the high-ranking officers gathered before him, a visibly hungover Pete Hegseth reportedly struggled Tuesday to remember exactly how he ended up in a meeting room filled with U.S. generals and admirals. Jesus fucking Christ, why are they all staring at me-am I supposed to [...]The post Hungover Hegseth Struggling To Remember How He Ended Up In Room Full Of Generals appeared first on The Onion.

INDIANAPOLIS-With an official proclamation that declared the state open to self-proclaimed messianic prophets," Indiana began offering tax breaks Wednesday to attract religious doomsday cults.Whether your fundamentalist commune believes it will usher in an apocalyptic race war or board a spaceship to a higher plane of existence, we hope your cult will choose to make Indiana [...]The post Indiana Offers Tax Breaks To Attract Religious Doomsday Cults appeared first on The Onion.

Pop star Sabrina Carpenter is one of several artists set to headline this year's Lollapalooza. The Onion sat down with the Espresso" singer to discuss love, life, and her forthcoming album, Man's Best Friend. The Onion: Which one are you again? Carpenter: Of the two very short pop stars under 35, I'm the one who [...]The post The Onion's Exclusive Interview With Sabrina Carpenter appeared first on The Onion.

Caleb Marks and Teresa Williamson began their life together with the bride blissfully unaware mortgage lenders calculate rates on the lower of the couple's two credit scores.The post Caleb Marks and Tiffany Williamson appeared first on The Onion.

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Kamala Harris has released 107 Days, a new memoir detailing her 2024 run for president against Donald Trump. Here are highlights from the book. Complete list of every American who did not vote for her in 2024 Story of how she selected Doug Emhoff as her husband after several rigorous rounds of romantic dates Says [...]The post Highlights From Kamala Harris' New Memoir appeared first on The Onion.

SAN ANTONIO-Demonstrating his commitment to entering the season in peak physical form, Spurs center Victor Wembanyama reported to training camp Monday having packed on 25 pounds of dense, towering hair. The coaching staff wanted me to bulk up over the offseason, and growing tons of hair was the best way to put on weight without [...]The post Victor Wembanyama Reports To Training Camp Having Added 25 Pounds Of Hair appeared first on The Onion.

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LOS ANGELES-In a move that has drawn criticism from fans of the competition series, Hilaria Baldwin reportedly hired a nanny to waltz for her onDancing With The Stars this week. Yes, I use a nanny-I need help with my dancing, and there's no shame in admitting that," said Baldwin, who defended herself after photos from [...]The post Hilaria Baldwin Hires Nanny To Waltz For Her On Dancing With The Stars' appeared first on The Onion.

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Live in the very house where a man failed to pay $200,000 in taxes over 10 years...if you dare! Reference #29301The post Spooky Tax Evasion House appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-In response to legislation that would ban officers from obscuring their identities during arrests and raids, U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement confirmed Thursday that beneath their masks, agents do not have faces. Tom Homan, the U.S. border czar and chief enforcer of President Donald Trump's immigration policy, warned that Democrats may get more than they [...]The post ICE Confirms Agents Do Not Have Faces Beneath Masks appeared first on The Onion.

MEREDITH, NH-Saying the luminous paradise had exceeded even its wildest expectations, a local moth told reporters Tuesday the inside of a light fixture was everything it had ever dreamed of and more.Woo-hoo! They've got a whole second light bulb in here-this is the greatest fucking day of my life!" the moth said as it giddily [...]The post Inside Of Light Fixture Everything Moth Dreamed And More appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Carrying tools and a handful of two-by-fours as he silently emerged from the North Portico, deputy chief of staff and homeland security advisor Stephen Miller reportedly constructed a windowless, soundproof shed on the White House grounds Thursday.According to sources, the senior administration official provided no word of explanation as he unfurled a hand-drawn blueprint in [...]The post Stephen Miller Builds Windowless, Soundproof Shed On White House Lawn appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Suddenly appearing at the lectern after emerging from a hole in the floor, a limbless, slippery Robert F. Kennedy Jr. announced at a White House press conference Friday that becoming an eel is a sign of good health." Big Pharma may have brainwashed people to think otherwise, but a healthy human body should be one [...]The post Limbless, Slippery RFK Jr.: Becoming An Eel Is A Sign Of Good Health' appeared first on The Onion.

LAS VEGAS-Speaking enthusiastically about what he called a beautiful sport," President Donald Trump attended a match Monday for the Ultimate Dogfighting Championship.That's it, bite his throat! Bite his throat!" said Trump, who sat next to podcaster Joe Rogan in the front row, greeting celebrities such as Mark Wahlberg, Guy Fieri, and Shaquille O'Neal and watching [...]The post Trump Attends Dogfighting Match appeared first on The Onion.

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Taylor Swift is promoting her forthcoming album with The Official Release Party Of A Showgirl, an 89-minute movie that features a music video, lyric videos, and commentary and that will run in theaters the weekend of Oct. 3. The Onion shares everything you need to know about the film. Q: What inspired Swift to create [...]The post What To Know About The Official Release Party Of A Showgirl' appeared first on The Onion.

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TUCSON, AZ-In a move that has earned praise from women's rights advocates, local business Leiderman Insurance reportedly unveiled a dedicated space Friday for lactating mothers to discreetly pump iron in the office. It's essential that employers provide a private, functional weight room where new mothers can comfortably pump iron at work when the need to [...]The post Office Adds Area For Lactating Mothers To Discreetly Pump Iron appeared first on The Onion.

BOSTON-In a new study that found the practice significantly improves outcomes for missing persons investigations, researchers at Northeastern University's School of Criminology and Criminal Justice concluded that regular journaling can help provide clues about a mysterious disappearance. While you may imagine you're too busy to journal, even a few names jotted down and circled multiple [...]The post Study Finds Regular Journaling Can Help Provide Clues About Mysterious Disappearance appeared first on The Onion.

NASHVILLE, TN-Stating that he was horrified and deeply ashamed," country singer Morgan Wallen issued an apology Thursday after a genealogy report revealed his family had never owned slaves. Obviously, I'm not my ancestors, but nonetheless it's just a terrible thing to learn," said the chart-topping artist, who described how his jaw dropped to the floor" [...]The post Morgan Wallen Issues Apology After Genealogy Report Reveals His Family Never Owned Slaves appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Establishing new federal guidelines for disease prevention as he moves to restrict public access to a number of vaccines, Health and Human Services Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. launched a campaign to promote natural immunity Tuesday by inviting Americans to touch his festering sore. Endless vaccines are no longer necessary to achieve immunity now that [...]The post RFK Jr. Promotes Natural Immunity With Invitation To Touch His Festering Sore appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Cracking their knuckles and demanding they receive a papology[sic], or else," Eric Trump and Donald Trump Jr. reportedly yelled, You think you can talk about our dad that way?" Wednesday before beating their TV with a baseball bat. Hey Eric, this TV thinks it can say a bunch of real bad stuff about Dad and [...]The post You Think You Can Talk About Our Dad That Way?' Scream Trump Boys, Beating TV With Bat appeared first on The Onion.

COPPELL, TX-Rushing to wash a sink full of dishes and tidy the kitchen before her phone alarm went off, local woman Abby Hartz reportedly set a timer on Wednesday to make cleaning much more stressful. I just like adding a layer of panic to the stress of doing a bunch of chores I hate," said [...]The post Woman Sets Timer To Make Cleaning More Stressful appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Marveling at the childlike innocence and naivete on display from their first-term colleague, members of the U.S. House of Representatives confirmed Wednesday that freshman congressman Gabe Evans of Colorado was being adorably discreet with his corruption. Aw, look, look! He's going into the parking garage, trying to look all sneaky-what a sweetie pie," said Florida [...]The post Freshman Congressman Being Adorably Discreet With Corruption appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-In a move that ignited numerous media firestorms expected to last for several news cycles, the GOP provided a distraction from the Epstein files controversy on Tuesday by going around the House of Representatives and having its lawmakers share the most embarrassing moments of their lives. It began when one congressman took the floor and [...]The post Republicans Distract From Epstein Controversy By Each Sharing Most Embarrassing Moment Of Life appeared first on The Onion.

SAN FRANCISCO-Expressing annoyance at its insufferable" display of groveling devotion," sources confirmed Tuesday that a pathetic AI chatbot was spending all its time talking to a friendless loser. Oh my God, this pitiful large language model is obsessed with some lonely pud!" said a fellow custom GPT model, stating that while the rest of the [...]The post Pathetic AI Chatbot Spends All Its Time Talking To Friendless Loser appeared first on The Onion.

BURBANK, CA-Piggybacking on the success of the Emmy-winning series, HBO Max announced a new spin-off ofThe PittTuesday that portrays the struggles faced by heroic workers at a pharmaceutical ad agency. Fans ofThe Pittwill loveThe Pitt: Direct-To-Consumer,an adrenaline-pumping new drama that follows the hardworking men and women at the PittermanMadison Group-or, as they like to call [...]The post New Spinoff Of The Pitt' Follows Heroic Workers At Pharmaceutical Ad Agency appeared first on The Onion.

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INDIANAPOLIS-With observers noting that the tragic development evidently has yet to affect the show's content in any way, reports confirmed Monday that no one working at The Pat McAfee Show seems to have noticed that co-host A.J. Hawk has been dead for the last three days. What's-his-face has been dead since last week, but look, [...]The post No One On Pat McAfee Show' Notices A.J. Hawk Dead For Last 3 Days appeared first on The Onion.

As questions mount over his handling of the Epstein files and other high-profile investigations, FBI Director Kash Patel testified before Congress Wednesday in a contentious five-hour hearing with the House Judiciary Committee. The Onion sat down with the former Trump aide to discuss his plans for the nation's top law enforcement agency. The Onion: Are [...]The post The Onion's Exclusive Interview With Kash Patel appeared first on The Onion.

LOS ANGELES-Announcing the next chapter of the story was already in preproduction,Chief Of Warproducers confirmed Tuesday that the second season of the Apple TV+ series would follow the Native Hawaiian warriors as they battled Mark Zuckerberg. I'm proud to share we're all set forChief Of Warseason two, which will primarily take place on the north [...]The post Chief Of War' Producers Confirm Season 2 Will Show Hawaiians Battling Mark Zuckerberg appeared first on The Onion.