The Onion

CRAWFORD, TX-Lashing out at the overbearing former vice president seated motionless in a rocking chair by the attic window, a distraught George W. Bush shouted, Shut up, Mother! Shut up!" at the skeleton of Dick Cheney dressed in a suit, sources confirmed Friday. I'm not your little boy anymore, Mother, so why must you constantly [...]The post Shut Up, Mother! Shut Up!' Pleads George W. Bush To Dick Cheney Skeleton Dressed In Suit appeared first on The Onion.

More than 71 million Americans are enrolled in Medicaid for healthcare. The Onion dispels common myths surrounding the program's new work requirements, which go into effect after next year's midterm elections. MYTH: Most people on Medicaid already work. FACT: Whatever. MYTH: An 80-hour-per-month work requirement is a lot. FACT: Eighty hours of work on Earth [...]The post Medicaid Work Requirements Myth Vs. Fact appeared first on The Onion.

Hannah Pike, 27, died Monday after learning it was indeed that kind of cult.The post Hannah Pike appeared first on The Onion.

It's Dad's weekend. Try to make him feel like you want to be there. Reference #19887The post Dad's House appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Reaffirming the Trump administration's promise to crack down on individuals providing supervision and instruction to youngsters across the United States, Homeland Security Secretary Kristi Noem stated at a press conference Thursday that daycare workers have walked freely in this country for far too long. Time and time again, we have allowed these people to watch [...]The post DHS: Daycare Workers Have Walked Freely in This Country For Far Too Long' appeared first on The Onion.

Democratic socialist Zohran Mamdani made history Tuesday night when he was elected the first Muslim mayor of New York City. The Onion fact-checks the claims being made about Mamdani. Claim: Mamdani is a nepo baby. True: Mamdani is the eldest son of Bill de Blasio and Ed Koch. Claim: Mamdani will destroy New York City. [...]The post Fact-Checking Claims About Zohran Mamdani appeared first on The Onion.

SACRAMENTO, CA-Passing the Democrat-backed initiative with a resounding 60% of the vote, Californians overwhelmingly approved a ballot measure this week to redraw the cartoon character Garfield. The people of California have spoken, and they want their funny pages to have an obese orange tabby cat who reflects the character design sensibilities our Founding Fathers stood [...]The post Californians Approve Measure To Redraw Garfield' appeared first on The Onion.

Ever feel like you have a special connection" with an artist? Like if the two of you could only meet, you would be instant BFFs? This phenomenon is what experts call a parasocial relationship. On the surface, it might sound harmless, but the truth is that parasocial relationships have been shown to make people lonelier [...]The post I Bet Pedro Pascal Hates Parasocial Relationships appeared first on The Onion.

BLOOMFIELD HILLS, MI-In what they described as a collaborative effort to share resources and information in defense of U.S. territory, Pentagon officials confirmed Monday that all six branches of the armed forces were present at the arrest of undocumented nanny Paola Soto.It was like the invasion of Normandy the way every American military division descended [...]The post All 6 Branches Of Armed Forces Present At Arrest Of Undocumented Nanny appeared first on The Onion.

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The happy couple held an elaborate reception for their closest loved ones and a handful of people they'll point to in photos years from now wondering who the fuck they even are.The post Carl Brooks and Evan Perth appeared first on The Onion.

Last week, President Trump discussed the possibility of running for a third term in 2028, despite the 22nd Amendment's prohibition on being elected to the office more than twice. The Onion examines the pros and cons of a third Trump term. PRO Newly awakened coma patients will always know who the president isCheaper than putting [...]The post Pros And Cons Of A 3rd Trump Term appeared first on The Onion.

PITTSBURGH-Noting that conversations with the veteran signal-caller had become more perplexing than ever, sources close to Aaron Rodgers confirmed Wednesday that the Pittsburgh Steelers quarterback was now clearly just taking his personal beliefs from various commercials he'd seen. Aaron's always been a pretty opinionated guy, but lately every time he expresses a viewpoint, I feel [...]The post Aaron Rodgers Clearly Now Just Taking Beliefs From Commercials He's Seen appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-In an attempt to stop U.S. markets from being flooded with foreign-made campaign merchandise and other licensed items promoting his brand, President Donald Trump signed an executive order Friday imposing an additional 25% tariff on authorized Trump products made in China. According to the White House, the new tariff makes good on the president's long-running [...]The post Trump Imposes 25% Tariff On Chinese-Made Trump Products appeared first on The Onion.

BROOKLINE, MA-Noting that the car swerved erratically every time the gig worker switched between his GPS navigation app and James Cameron's 1997 film, local man Vick Shah told reporters Monday his Uber driver seemed to be watching Titanic for the first time.I'm not totally sure, but I think that guy was halfway through Titanic when [...]The post Uber Driver Seemingly Watching Titanic' For First Time appeared first on The Onion.

This five-year-old listing of your new acquaintance's house should immediately confirm any suspicions. Reference #66873The post Oh, So They Have MONEY-Money appeared first on The Onion.

Bob Qualley, 72, learned the hard way the dangers of juggling snakes.The post Bob Qualley appeared first on The Onion.

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LONDON-Shivering and rubbing his hands together as he attempted to stay warm, a ragged, soot-covered former Prince Andrew was spotted Tuesday on a street in the Whitechapel district of London begging for a child to molest. Please, sir, may I have a girl? A small one? Surely you have some to spare," said the disgraced [...]The post Soot-Covered Prince Andrew Begging On Street For Child To Molest appeared first on The Onion.

LEAWOOD, KS-Her eyes widening at the sight of the piece of paper moving inch by inch out of the machine, an alarmed Taylor Swift reportedly looked on Tuesday as her fiance, Travis Kelce, printed out the Buffalo Wild Wings catering menu. Babe, what's that?" said the 35-year-old billionaire recording artist, taking a step closer to [...]The post Alarmed Taylor Swift Watches As Travis Kelce Prints Out Buffalo Wild Wings Catering Menu appeared first on The Onion.

ATLANTA-As the agency struggles to manage a measles caseload that has erupted to its largest size in decades, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention stated Monday that at this point, it would probably make more sense to start tracking people without the disease. Citing recent data that showed U.S. vaccination rates had dropped below [...]The post CDC Figures It Easier To Start Tracking People Without Measles appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Expressing horror as an unidentified slimy substance dripped on her shoulder from above, White House maid Carla Ovares reportedly shrieked Tuesday after spotting first lady Melania Trump on the ceiling of the Executive Residence.What on earth is that clicking sound? Oh my God, ahhhhhh!" Ovares screamed in terror, dropping a vase she had been dusting [...]The post White HouseMaid Shrieks After SpottingMelaniaOn Ceiling appeared first on The Onion.

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Opposites attract, and that's never been more true than in the whirlwind romance of Lundell, a UX guru, and Francis, whose background is more B2C performance marketing.The post Regina Lundell and Mark Francis appeared first on The Onion.

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CHICAGO-His heart racing with terror as he found himself completely surrounded, an Immigration and Customs Enforcement agent conducting a raid on a Chicago elementary school reportedly fell into panic Monday when he realized there were more children on the playground than he could subdue with flash-bang grenades. Oh God, send for backup-there's, like, 30 under [...]The post ICE Agent Panics After Realizing There More Children Than He Has Flash-Bangs appeared first on The Onion.

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NEW YORK-Following a series of illicit betting scandals that have sent shock waves through the league, the National Basketball Association issued a statement Monday reaffirming its commitment to gamblers only ruining their lives in ways that are completely legal. When it comes to gambling, the NBA wants to ensure basketball fans are only blowing up [...]The post NBA Reaffirms Commitment To Gamblers Only Ruining Their Lives Legally appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-With deep unease and outright horror haunting millions of Americans as a great shroud enveloped the land, late-breaking reports confirmed Monday that the darkness had returned. Bystanders first spotted the churning, amorphous black fog at 2:37 p.m., when it arose from the shadows and crept toward small towns and cornfields in the Midwest. From there, [...]The post Breaking: The Darkness Returns appeared first on The Onion.

LOS ANGELES-Anticipating the project could be the biggest horror hit of the decade, film studios were reportedly locked in a bidding war Friday over a napkin Stephen King had written the word Ghoul" on.It only took him two weeks to write, but it's incredible-it's an entire fleshed-out world," said an insider source, who confirmed that [...]The post Studios Enter Bidding War Over Napkin Stephen King Wrote Ghoul' On appeared first on The Onion.

LONG BEACH, CA-Wiping sweat from his brow as he clenched a scalpel in his mouth, a man reportedly hot-wired a vasectomy Friday while his accomplice served as lookout.I've got to get in and get out without anyone noticing," said the unidentified man, whose hands shook as he fumbled with the vas deferens, causing sparks to [...]The post Vasectomy Hot-Wired appeared first on The Onion.

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Pizzas from both large chains and local restaurants have successfully found their way to this three-bedroom, two-bath home, so that much is set. Reference #24350The post Pizza's Been Delivered Here Before appeared first on The Onion.

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Katy Perry and Justin Trudeau's rumored romance has taken the internet by storm. The Onion sat down with the celebrity couple to discuss their fledgling relationship. The Onion : So how did you two meet? Perry: Lauren Sanchez paired us off as part of Jeff Bezos' plan to breed a higher race of humans. The Onion : [...]The post The Onion's Exclusive Interview With Katy Perry And Justin Trudeau appeared first on The Onion.

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EAST RUTHERFORD, NJ-In an effort to console the team's star running back as he recuperated from a season-ending lower-leg injury, the New York Giants medical staff reportedly assured Cam Skattebo on Friday that he would only be missing Giants games. Hey, you got lucky-just imagine if you were missing something more important than a bunch [...]The post Cam Skattebo Assured He'll Only Be Missing Giants Games appeared first on The Onion.

LONDON-In a stunning reversal of fortune for the controversy-plagued younger brother of King Charles III, Buckingham Palace announced Friday that the former Prince Andrew Mountbatten Windsor has been stripped of his royal computer privileges. Due to serious lapses in judgment by Mr. Mountbatten Windsor, His Majesty King Charles III has today initiated a formal process [...]The post Prince Andrew Stripped Of Royal Computer Privileges appeared first on The Onion.

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