The Onion

WASHINGTON-As he described their five-day stint in a padded room and warned Americans against voting for the U.S. Senate candidate, President Donald Trump claimed Thursday that he shared a cell with James Talarico in an insane asylum. Talarico says he was sick with the flu, but don't believe the lies-I was held captive with him [...]The post Trump Claims He Shared Cell With James Talarico In Insane Asylum appeared first on The Onion.

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You know, when the Founding Fathers embarked on the American experiment back in the day, I don't think any of us could have imagined the country doing this well. It all seemed so strange and uncertain at the time, yet here we are, 250 years later and still going strong. And, say, maybe this is [...]The post Maybe It's The Neurosyphilis Talking, But I'm Proud Of What America's Become appeared first on The Onion.

BROOKFIELD, WI-Tracking a shift to a more sustainable and budget-friendly method of handling human remains, a report released Wednesday by the National Funeral Directors Association found that an increasing number of Americans were opting to be buried in an unknowing neighbor's backyard. As they approach the end of life, more people are eschewing burial and [...]The post Report: More Americans Opting To Be Buried In Unknowing Neighbor's Backyard appeared first on The Onion.

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EDINBURGH, SCOTLAND-Fanning hype for its upcoming open-world sandbox game by teasing a copious collection of tracks from the legendary singer-songwriter and film composer, Rockstar Games announced in a press release Tuesday that the Grand Theft Auto VI soundtrack would contain 10,000 songs by Randy Newman. The music is an essential part of any Grand Theft [...]The post Rockstar Announces GTA VI' Soundtrack Contains 10,000 Songs By Randy Newman appeared first on The Onion.

ARLINGTON, VA-Saying it was disappointing to enter the smoothie shop and not be greeted by streamers or decorations, local man Ryan Hunter confirmed Tuesday that workers at Sweetgrass Juicery were not as excited for his birthday as the marketing email had suggested they were. Yesterday I got this email that was like, Congratulations on your [...]The post Smoothie Shop Workers Not As Excited For Man's Birthday As Marketing Email Made It Seem appeared first on The Onion.

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Interactions between the president and the free press have been central to the United States since the nation's founding. The Onion takes a look back at key moments that have shaped the executive branch's relationship with the Fourth Estate. 1803 Local busybody Arthur Swipple wanders into the White House and asks Thomas Jefferson what he's [...]The post Timeline Of President-Press Relations appeared first on The Onion.

NEW YORK-Condemning the semiaquatic seabirds' heretical acts as an affront to the principles the organization was founded to sustain, Audubon Society officials released a statement Monday formally excommunicating penguins. These flightless beasts have committed acts of unforgivable schism against the avian community, and in the eyes of the Audubon Society penguins are now fallen birds," [...]The post Audubon Society Formally Excommunicates Penguins appeared first on The Onion.

BISMARCK, ND-Admitting that it had let the other 49 states do pretty much all of the heavy lifting," North Dakota issued a formal apology Tuesday for contributing nothing to the nation's greatness.Look, we acknowledge that we don't exactly bring much to the table besides being a cold, windy rectangle on the map, and for that [...]The post North Dakota Apologizes For Contributing Nothing To Nation's Greatness appeared first on The Onion.

In the Russian city of Irkutsk, the death of a plague researcher from a mysterious illness has stoked fears of an outbreak. The Onion shares everything you need to know about the emerging situation. Q: What is the Irkutsk Anti-Plague Research Institute? A: An on-the-nose alibi. Q: Should I be worried? A: You might want [...]The post What To Know About The Potential Russian Plague Outbreak appeared first on The Onion.

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In what would be the nation's first public execution in 90 years, Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth announced the Pentagon would livestream Fort Hood shooter Nidal Hasan's death by firing squad. What do you think?The post Pentagon To Livestream Firing Squad Execution appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Calling the attention the incident was receiving yet another example of liberal media bias, the White House downplayed on Friday the fact that a hyena was currently biting down on the ass of President Donald Trump. No one should be surprised that all the scrutiny from the mainstream press is focused squarely on the spotted [...]The post White House Downplays Hyena Biting Down On Trump's Ass appeared first on The Onion.

GREENSBORO, NC-Growing increasingly whimsical as she unearthed the memory from decades ago, local grandma Agatha Fuller fondly recalled Friday how she had once worked with a homosexual. His name was Alexander, never Alex, and his hair and his suit were always immaculate," said Fuller, reminiscing about the law clerk she and other secretaries at the [...]The post Grandma Fondly Recalls Once Working With Homosexual appeared first on The Onion.

Sixteen years after the release of The Social Network, follow-up film The Social Reckoning is coming to theaters. The Onion shares everything you need to know about the sequel. Q: Who's the writer and director? A: Aaron Sorkin and, unfortunately, Aaron Sorkin. Q: What's it about? A: As fans will recall, Eduardo sacrificed himself at [...]The post What To Know About The Social Reckoning' appeared first on The Onion.

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ITHACA, NY-In an aggressive attempt to distance itself from an alleged sexual assault at one of its fraternity houses, Cornell University hastilyannounced Thursday that it was now going by a different name. We determined that the best way forward was a clean start with total rebranding, and in the 90 minutes of its existence, the [...]The post Cornell Tries Going By Different Name appeared first on The Onion.

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This week the Supreme Court began a new term, and there are several consequential cases on the docket. The Onion previews some of the most important cases being heard by the justices in the coming months. Apple v. Epic Games: The suit over Apple's App Store fees will be the first Supreme Court hearing hosted [...]The post Biggest Supreme Court Cases This Term appeared first on The Onion.

SEATTLE-In an effort to lure back self-conscious adult customers, Starbucks officials announced this week that locations across the country would introduce new teen-free hours for nervous adults who just wanted to redeem their birthday rewards. Stop by any Starbucks between 8 and 9 a.m. to enjoy your free cake pop without having to worry you'll [...]The post Starbucks Announces New Teen-Free Hours For Nervous Adults Who Just Want To Redeem Birthday Reward appeared first on The Onion.

HOULTON, ME-Saying the discussion felt more like something out of National Geographic than a heart-to-heart, local woman Elise Figueroa confirmed Thursday that a conversation about non-monogamy with her husband, Marcus, was chock-full of animal facts. I'm really annoyed that we're having this conversation again when I've already told him I'm not interested, but I suppose [...]The post Conversation About Non-Monogamy Chock-Full Of Animal Facts appeared first on The Onion.

I've never been the type of guy to change his mind easily. Back in my mujahedeen days, my buddies would always point out how stubborn I was-they couldn't get me to budge on anything! But even the most gung-ho jihadist knows there comes a time to reevaluate old grudges, and while this might ding my [...]The post All Right, All Right, You Guys Have Won Me Over appeared first on The Onion.

BATON ROUGE, LA-Enhancing the top-tier socializing in ways that would have seemed impossible just moments previously, the phrase It's been real" pushed an already great hangout with a friend into heretofore unknown levels of bliss, sources confirmed Wednesday. Holy shit, I didn't think things could be any more amazing than they already were after drinking [...]The post Phrase It's Been Real' Pushes Already Great Hangout With Friend Into Heretofore Unknown Levels Of Bliss appeared first on The Onion.

BEVERLY HILLS, CA-Assuring viewers that all the characters on the Apple TV show still loved them very much, Ted Lasso producers released a statement Wednesday warning fans that the show was going bye-bye" for a bit. Just like all you busy boys and girls, sometimes Ted Lasso gets tired and needs to rest," said series [...]The post Ted Lasso' Fans Told That Show Going Bye-Bye' For A Bit appeared first on The Onion.

President Trump announced that he is sending $90 checks to senior citizens enrolled in Medicare to offset the cost of rising premiums, amounting to $2 billion in total as he attempts to shore up flagging support from the crucial voting block before the upcoming midterms. What do you think?The post Trump Mails $90 Checks To Seniors appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-As they emerged from their smoldering, star-spangled chronochamber and urged the public to heed a consequential message, time travelers from the year 2376 attempted to warn the nation Saturday of a future in which the United States was still perfect.Americans, we come to you on your semiquincentennial with a dire dispatch: You must keep up [...]The post Time Travelers From Year 2376 Warn Of FutureWhere America Still Perfect appeared first on The Onion.

NEW YORK-Urging incoming players to avoid the financial pitfalls that have derailed so many promising careers, the NBA reportedly reminded rookies Tuesday not to blow their first paycheck on a big-ass snake. The first time you see all those zeroes in your bank account, you're going to be tempted to buy a beautiful 10-foot albino [...]The post NBA Reminds Rookies Not To Blow First Paycheck On Big-Ass Snake appeared first on The Onion.

Health Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. and MAHA influencers have promoted the use of peptides, short-chain amino acids with a range of purported but often unsubstantiated health benefits. The Onion examines the pros and cons of these supplements. PRO Have met same rigorous safety standards as Kranked XXXtreme Nuclear Berry Preworkout Something interesting to talk [...]The post Pros And Cons Of Using Peptides appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-In an effort to get ahead of the forthcoming criticisms of how they squandered such a commanding lead in the polls, the Democratic National Committee released a preemptive autopsy Tuesday into why their party lost the 2026 midterm elections. Upon careful analysis, it's clear our organization is going to bungle messaging in late October, costing [...]The post DNC Releases Preemptive Autopsy Into Why They Lost Midterms appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Faced with a weekend of dismal ticket sales that ranked among the worst in the megastar's career,a smiling, unblinking Tom Cruise calmly stated Monday that he just wanted to know why the nation didn't turn out to see his new movie Digger. Relax, I'm not gonna fly off the handle or anything like that, but [...]The post Smiling, Unblinking Tom Cruise Just Wants To Know Why Nation Didn't See Digger' appeared first on The Onion.

DARLINGTON, OH-In an obvious attempt to appeal to the county's different demographic, U.S. House of Representatives candidate Jim Richardson reportedly showed up Monday to a campaign event in a ruralpart of Ohio's 12 Congressional District with a different wife. It's natural for a candidate to subtly modulate his messaging for different constituencies, and one way [...]The post Congressional Candidate Has Different Wife For Campaigning In Rural Counties appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-During an address to the nation Tuesday in which he claimed to have obtained definitive proof that the election was stolen, President Donald Trump presented bombshell evidence showing his opponent Joe Biden actively campaigned against him throughout the 2020 presidential race. Trump, who spoke from the White House, detailed a conspiracy in which paid operatives [...]The post Trump Drops Bombshell Evidence Biden Actively Campaigned Against Him appeared first on The Onion.

INDIANAPOLIS-As he maintained steady eye contact and periodically murmured, Yeah, man," ESPN host Pat McAfee could be seen nodding along Tuesday during a broadcast of his talk show in which Pittsburgh Steelers quarterback Aaron Rodgers delivered a two-hour monologue extolling the health benefits of eating tar.People hear tar' and they get scared, but why? It's [...]The post Pat McAfee Nods During Aaron Rodgers' 2-Hour Monologue On Virtues Of Eating Tar appeared first on The Onion.

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Trump has directed his administration to build a triumphal arch in Washington, D.C., to commemorate the nation's 250th anniversary. The Onion looks at the key facts and figures behind the new monument. 4 Barrons tall at highest point 17 Engraved typos 1 Additional arch needed to make McDonald's logo 20,000 Estimated trips to Michaels needed [...]The post Trump's Triumphal Arch By The Numbers appeared first on The Onion.

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AUCKLAND, NEW ZEALAND-Holding hands in a circle as candles flickered and water glasses trembled, employees of film discovery platform Letterboxd reportedly held a seance Friday to ask James Dean his four favorite movies. Spirit of Mr. Dean, we've got the cameras rolling for our socials here, and we summon you to share your top film [...]The post Letterboxd Holds Seance To Ask James Dean His 4 Favorite Movies appeared first on The Onion.

Social media has ignited a recent surge in health-conscious Americans trying to up their fiber consumption. The Onion provides tips for maximizing the amount of fiber in your diet: Scrutinize food labels for phrases like gut buster" and organ hell." Toast white bread to convert it to brown, fiber-packed wheat bread. Shift your diet from [...]The post Tips For Increasing Your Fiber Intake appeared first on The Onion.

LOS ANGELES-Smiling to himself as he reflected on all the years his mother and father had discouraged him from chasing his dream,local man Aaron Traylor told reporters Friday that his parents had been forced to eat crow ever since he made it as a Beetlejuice impersonator. They told me I needed to be studying instead [...]The post Unsupportive Parents Eat Crow After Son Makes It As Beetlejuice Impersonator appeared first on The Onion.

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Six Flags Magic Mountain permanently closed its famous X2 roller coaster due to a history of riders incurring brain injuries, with some resulting in death. What do you think?The post Six Flags Closes X2 Roller Coaster Due To Brain Injuries appeared first on The Onion.