 |
by The Onion Staff on (#6W5F1)
HILLSDALE, NY-Sighing loudly after a login attempt revealed he would need to enter credit card information to continue, actor Walton Goggins reportedly wondered aloud Tuesday how many HBO series he would need to appear in to receive a free Max subscription. I thought three was the magic number, but I guess not," said the star [...]The post Walton Goggins Unsure How Many HBO Roles It Will Take To Get Free Max Subscription appeared first on The Onion.
|
The Onion
| Link | https://theonion.com/ |
| Feed | https://www.theonion.com/rss |
| Updated | 2025-04-02 23:48 |
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#6W5F0)
PROVO, UT-In a crushing blow to the team's hopes of winning the NCAA men's tournament, star Brigham Young University player Mihailo Boskovic was reportedly suspended Tuesday after testing positive for coffee. Upon detecting the illicit substance on Boskovic's breath before a game, we ordered an immediate test and confirmed the presence of performance-enhancing hot drinks [...]The post Star BYU Player Suspended After Testing Positive For Coffee appeared first on The Onion.
|
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#6W51A)
LOS ANGELES-In what could prove a devastating loss for the top-seeded Big Ten team, University of Southern California star JuJu Watkins reportedly strained her bun Monday during the opening game of the NCAA Women's March Madness tournament. While we don't yet know the extent of the damage, JuJu is scheduled to receive an extensive MRI [...]The post JuJu Watkins Sprains Bun appeared first on The Onion.
|
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#6W4WX)
The post Pope Francis Flips Off Crowd From Balcony appeared first on The Onion.
|
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#6W4MT)
WASHINGTON-In an effort to restore what he said were traditional American values that the previous administration had attempted to destroy, President Donald Trump signed an executive order Monday decreeing that all children born while President Joe Biden was in office would be renamed after Confederate generals. Parents across the country were shamed by angry liberals [...]The post Trump Orders All Children Born Under Biden To Be Renamed After Confederate Generals appeared first on The Onion.
|
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#6W4MS)
RALEIGH, NC-Feeling somewhat deflated by the event after so much buildup, local woman Dianna Clark confirmed Monday that she found the process of planning suicide far more enjoyable than the suicide itself. I mean, obviously, I believe the journey is more important than the destination, but I'm feeling so indifferent about the prospect of suicide [...]The post Woman Enjoys Process Of Planning Suicide More Than Actual Suicide Itself appeared first on The Onion.
|
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#6W4MR)
The post Spray-Painted Penis Only Thing Holding Cybertruck Together appeared first on The Onion.
|
by The Onion Staff on (#6W4MQ)
In the coming weeks, nearly 60% of Americans are expected to travel over the academic vacation period known as spring break. The Onion presents a historical timeline of the wild cultural phenomenon now considered a rite of passage for many college students. 10,000 BCE: First cave art depicting a young woman throwing a punch at [...]The post History Of Spring Break In The U.S. appeared first on The Onion.
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#6W4MP)
The post Well Shit, Man Thought He Secured Infant Car Seat appeared first on The Onion.
|
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#6W4MN)
The post Stuck in the Timiddle With You appeared first on The Onion.
|
by The Onion Staff on (#6W4MM)
A thief who swiped a golden toilet from an English palace was convicted along with an accomplice who helped cash in on the 18-carat work of art insured for more than $6 million. What do you think?The post Jury Convicts Thief Who Stole Golden Toilet appeared first on The Onion.
by The Onion Staff on (#6W3FW)
Israel remains in the top 10 list of happiest countries in the world, ranking eighth according to an annual global survey, despite the ongoing wars in Gaza and Lebanon. What do you think?The post Israel Ranked 8th Happiest Country appeared first on The Onion.
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#6W3FX)
WASHINGTON-In the wake of soaring egg prices and shortages nationwide, food experts from the U.S. Department of Agriculture released new guidelines Friday recommending the use of hunger as an appropriate egg substitute. Whether used as a binder in baked goods or on its own as a savory breakfast, not eating can be substituted for eggs [...]The post Experts Recommend Using Hunger As Egg Substitute appeared first on The Onion.
|
by The Onion Staff on (#6W385)
While Roku already includes video ads peppered throughout the streaming platform, some users have recently reported a preview of Moana 2 now autoplaying on the device's startup, before they are shown the OS home screen. What do you think?The post Roku Tests Autoplaying Ads Before Loading Home Screen appeared first on The Onion.
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#6W35R)
The post Grimes Slaps I Bought This Before Elon Went Crazy' Sticker On Child appeared first on The Onion.
|
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#6W35W)
SHELBURNE, VT-Grinning wide with satisfaction at his successful act of cunning, local man Todd Sansovitch confirmed Friday that he had carefully snuck a bag of outside stimuli into his sensory deprivation tank. That dopey teen working the front desk didn't even think to check my coat pockets-stimulus city, here I come, baby!" Sansovitch said as [...]The post Man Sneaks Bag Of Outside Stimuli Into Sensory Deprivation Tank appeared first on The Onion.
|
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#6W35V)
WASHINGTON-Warning that the charge carried a five-year mandatory minimum sentence, the U.S. Department of Justice declared Friday that the distribution of images featuring a balding Elon Musk constituted an act of domestic terrorism. For the benefit of all Americans, anyone who posts or reposts photos from Mr. Musk's PayPal days will be prosecuted for terrorism," [...]The post DOJ Designates Posting Photos Of Balding Elon Musk As Domestic Terrorism appeared first on The Onion.
|
by The Onion Staff on (#6W35T)
Spam texts are on the rise. The Onion shares tips for dealing with scam and spam messages on your phone. Remember that the IRS will never contact you over text, unless you are in serious trouble and need to pay right now. If replying with STOP doesn't work, try CUT IT OUT. Compare suspicious messages [...]The post Tips For Dealing With Spam Texts appeared first on The Onion.
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#6W35S)
WASHINGTON-Stressing that they were approaching the future with the utmost seriousness, the nation's fuckups announced a plan Friday to get their shit together for real this time. While I know we've made assurances like this in the past, as of today we are really and truly committed to putting an end to the bullshit and [...]The post Nation's Fuckups Announce Plan To Get Shit Together For Real This Time appeared first on The Onion.
|
by The Onion Staff on (#6W2NQ)
Previously holding the title of world's ugliest animal," the lumpy, jelly-like, deep-sea blobfish redeemed its reputation this week when it was crowned Fish of the Year by a New Zealand environmental group. What do you think?The post Ugly' Blobfish Named Fish of the Year appeared first on The Onion.
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#6W2JW)
WASHINGTON-In a move that stunned the global real estate community,President Donald Trump signed an executive order Thursday pulling the United States out ofHouse Hunters International. We're not benefiting from those perfect little apartments in Barcelona, so why should the U.S. foot the bill?" said Trump, who called out China for not paying its fair share [...]The post Trump Pulls U.S. Out Of House Hunters International appeared first on The Onion.
|
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#6W2GD)
The post Former Cult Leader Reveals How He Escaped Needy Followers appeared first on The Onion.
|
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#6W2CZ)
So this is kind of awkward but it's been on my mind lately and I know it's probably nothing but I've gotta ask. And be honest, because I need someone I can count on to tell the truth. Okay, so...do you think I look ugly? Ugh, this is so embarrassing! I've just been getting this [...]The post Am I Ugly? appeared first on The Onion.
|
by The Onion Staff on (#6W2D0)
Beef tallow, also known as rendered beef fat, is trending among beauty and health influencers. Here is everything you need to know about the by-product. Q: What is beef tallow used for? A: Cooking, skincare, and fixing squeaky cows. Q: Why should I cook with it? A: To crisp up those soft, supple arteries. Q: [...]The post What To Know About Beef Tallow appeared first on The Onion.
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#6W2D1)
WASHINGTON-Addressing the nation to reveal that one of the greatest threats facing the country had been eradicated, President Donald Trump announced Thursday that SEAL Team Six had killed a U.S. protester in a daring overnight raid. Tonight, I can report to the American people and to the world that the United States has conducted an [...]The post Trump Announces SEAL Team 6 Killed U.S. Protester In Daring Overnight Raid appeared first on The Onion.
|
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#6W29Q)
WASHINGTON-Despite the risks to national security from revealing such confidential information, the Pew Research Center released a study Thursday proving that 93% of individuals with one earbud in are receiving top-secret commands from HQ. Nearly every person you see in public wearing a single earbud is currently undertaking a clandestine mission on behalf of an [...]The post Study: 93% Of Individuals With One Earbud In Receiving Top-Secret Commands From HQ appeared first on The Onion.
|
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#6W29P)
EVERETT, WA-In an effort to emulate the pleasurable sensation of contact with another person, single man Henry Goldfarb reportedly sat on his own hand before dialing 911 Thursday to make it feel like someone else cared. If you use your imagination, it basically feels just as good as having somebody call emergency services for you," [...]The post Single Man Sits On Own Hand Before Dialing 911 So It Feels Like Someone Else Cares appeared first on The Onion.
|
by The Onion Staff on (#6W1XM)
Harvard announced that undergraduate tuition will be free for students of families who make annual incomes of $200,000 or less, a move intended to make the prestigious institution affordable to more students than ever." What do you think?The post Harvard Announces Free Tuition For Families Making Under $200,000 appeared first on The Onion.
by The Onion Staff on (#6W1HM)
President Donald Trump invoked the Alien Enemies Act for the first time since it was used to intern Japanese immigrants during WWII, granting himself sweeping authority to deport non-citizens without giving them the opportunity to go before a judge. What do you think?The post Trump Invokes Law Used To Justify Japanese Internment Camps appeared first on The Onion.
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#6W1EC)
ST. CHARLES, MO-Covering her ears as her father screamed at her mother about the overuse of suggestive POV camera shots, local child Hadley Lohman sat frightened atop the stairs last night watching her parents argue about the ending of The Sopranos, sources confirmed Wednesday. According to reports, Lohman crawled out of bed to the steps [...]The post Frightened Child Sits Atop Stairs Watching Parents Argue About Ending Of Sopranos' appeared first on The Onion.
|
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#6W1EB)
WASHINGTON-In a decisive victory for longtime champions of the cause, congressional leaders announced Wednesday the passage of a new federal law mandating that all women talk with a baby voice. Under the terms of this legislation, every American female over the age of 18 is now required to speak with short, simple words in a [...]The post New Federal Law Mandates Women Talk With Baby Voice appeared first on The Onion.
|
by The Onion Staff on (#6W0X0)
A 4-year-old Wisconsin boy called 911 to report that his mom was eating his ice cream, saying she was being bad and needed to go to jail." What do you think?The post 4-Year-Old Calls 911 To Report Mom For Eating His Ice Cream appeared first on The Onion.
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#6W0TE)
The post Report: You Could Just Lose An Arm One Day appeared first on The Onion.
|
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#6W0HY)
NORFOLK, VA-Rolling their eyes at her mindless embrace of that which brings her happiness in life, sources confirmed Tuesday that basic woman Madison Derry's entire personality revolves around things she enjoys. I honestly kind of cringe seeing how Maddy just goes along with what naturally appeals to her," said local woman Kelly Olsen, who scoffed [...]The post Basic Woman's Entire Personality Revolves Around Things She Enjoys appeared first on The Onion.
|
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#6W0HX)
WEST PALM BEACH, FL-Finding himself stopped upon entering a building at the Trump International Golf Club, Vice President JD Vance was reportedly reminded by a staff member Tuesday that caddies are not allowed in the clubhouse. Sir, sir, you can't go in there," said head of guest services Melanie Cole, gently taking the vice president [...]The post JD Vance Reminded Caddies Not Allowed In Clubhouse appeared first on The Onion.
|
by The Onion Staff on (#6W0HW)
The post Port-A-Potty Paraded Around On Flatbed Truck Like Homecoming Queen appeared first on The Onion.
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#6VZZS)
BALTIMORE-In the wake of news that the New York senator had postponed his book tour amid controversy over his vote for a spending bill, dejected Chuck Schumer superfan Sean Angston told reporters Monday that he couldn't believe he had dropped $10,000 on a VIP party package. Chuck is basically my idol, so I can't tell [...]The post Dejected Schumer Superfan Can't Believe He Dropped $10,000 On VIP Party Package appeared first on The Onion.
|
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#6VZZT)
FORT WAYNE, IN-Boasting that she could already tell the two would produce beautiful babies, local senile grandma Deborah Hansen tried to set her grandkids up with each other, alarmed sources confirmed Monday. You know, my lovely granddaughter here likes computers just like you do, and she's single," Hansen reportedly told her 29-year-old grandson Zach while [...]The post Senile Grandma Tries To Set Up Grandkids With Each Other appeared first on The Onion.
|
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#6VZZV)
AUSTIN, TX-In a drastic new order purportedly aimed at protecting its citizens, Texas state government officials reportedly put into effect a new mandatory six-month quarantine that would apply to anyone who has ever watchedWill And Grace. Anyone who watchedWill And Grace, the sitcom that revolutionized the popular depiction of homosexuality in the United States in [...]The post Texas Implements Mandatory 6-Month Quarantine For Anyone Who Has Watched Will And Grace' appeared first on The Onion.
|
by The Onion Staff on (#6VZWV)
An 81-year-old woman returned an overdue book to a New Jersey library after discovering it among her grandfather's old things, finding that the book, Home-Made Toys For Girls And Boys, was borrowed in March 1926. What do you think?The post Overdue Library Book Returned After 99 Years appeared first on The Onion.
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#6VZPS)
CLEVELAND-Concluding that the rewards simply weren't worth the risks, local man Tim Fitzpatrick told reporters Monday that he would leave his oversized leprechaun hat at home on St. Patrick's Day to avoid damaging it. Obviously, it'd be a dream to live it up at McKiernan's with this thing on my head, but I'd just hate [...]The post Oversized Leprechaun Hat Left At Home On St. Patrick's Day To Avoid Damaging It appeared first on The Onion.
|
by The Onion Staff on (#6VZPR)
This month Lady Gaga released Mayhem, her seventh studio album. The Onion sat down with the artist and actor to discuss songwriting, self-care, and what's next. The Onion: What was the creative impetus for this record? Gaga: I have always been fascinated by the concept of dancing around on stage in an insane hat. The [...]The post The Onion's Exclusive Interview With Lady Gaga appeared first on The Onion.
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#6VZPQ)
The post Stepson Liked With All Of Man's Heart appeared first on The Onion.
|
by The Onion Staff on (#6VYCH)
Astronomers have discovered over 100 additional moons orbiting Saturn, bringing the gas giant's total to 274. What do you think?The post 128 New Moons Found Orbiting Saturn appeared first on The Onion.
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#6VY9A)
WASHINGTON-Failing to receive the reaction he anticipated from audience members, JD Vance was booed at the John F. Kennedy Center for the Performing Arts while playing a French horn solo, sources confirmed Friday. The stage curtains reportedly rose to reveal the vice president, an amateur horn player, standing by himself behind a music stand, a [...]The post JD Vance's French Horn Solo Booed At Kennedy Center appeared first on The Onion.
|
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#6VY9B)
WASHINGTON-In the wake of a growing outbreak that has sickened hundreds and killed two in West Texas and New Mexico, Health and Human Services Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. claimed Friday that measles could be cured with a good concealer. If you contract measles or suspect you have contracted measles, I recommend immediately applying a [...]The post RFK Jr. Claims Measles Can Be Cured With A Good Concealer appeared first on The Onion.
|
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#6VY9C)
The post Chuck Schumer Helps Pull Democrats Back From Brink Of Courage appeared first on The Onion.
|
by The Onion Staff on (#6VY6K)
A Memphis man was recently grazed by a bullet in his home after his 1-year-old pit bull, Oreo, got his paw stuck in the trigger guard of a gun, causing it to fire. What do you think?The post Tennessee Man Shot By Dog appeared first on The Onion.
by The Onion Staff on (#6VY05)
CAMBRIDGE, MA-Suggesting the reversal of a longstanding historical trend towards urbanization, a report published Tuesday by researchers at Harvard University revealed that more Americans were moving away from cities to pursue a rural life where they have an escalating feud with a beaver. Our findings indicate there has been a 15% increase in Americans who [...]The post Report: More Americans Moving Away From Urban Areas For Rural Life Where They Have Escalating Feud With Beaver appeared first on The Onion.
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#6VY04)
WASHINGTON-Slumping back in their chairs and whining at the sight of intravenous lines in their bruised arms, a pale Eric Trump and Donald Trump Jr. reportedly asked their Uncle Elon on Friday when they could stop giving him blood. We're tired, Uncle Elon-tired and hungry," said Eric, the younger of the Trump boys, who began [...]The post Pale Trump Boys Ask When They Can Stop Giving Uncle Elon Blood appeared first on The Onion.
|