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by The Onion Staff on (#73P9H)
AKRON, OH-Replying to a sparse text thread that had been only marginally active over the past few years, the nation's friends from college announced Thursday that they would need someone to lean on during their divorce. We know that we kind of fell off the face of the earth after getting married, but the divorce [...]The post Nation's Friends From College Announce They Need Someone To Lean On During Divorce appeared first on The Onion.
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The Onion
| Link | https://theonion.com/ |
| Feed | https://www.theonion.com/rss |
| Updated | 2026-02-28 19:03 |
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by The Onion Staff on (#73P9G)
HARTFORD CITY, IN-Growing increasingly frustrated by the time-consuming slog of ingestion, local man Andrew Neel reportedly expressed annoyance Thursday that he must chew the current food in his mouth before he could move on to chewing the next food. Here I am wasting the whole goddamn day chewing this bite of hamburger when there are [...]The post Man Annoyed He Has To Chew Current Food Before He Can Chew Next Food appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#73P9F)
MILAN-Rushing around the dormitory in order to conceal evidence of their recent activity, the dozens of athletes engaging in a raucous Olympic Village fuckfest Thursday were reportedly forced to fake having a Bible study session just as several members of the curling team entered the room. Oh! Uh, hey there, we were just taking a [...]The post Athletes In Raucous Olympic Village Fuckfest Fake Having Bible Study As Curlers Enter Room appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#73P9D)
Looksmaxxing," a new trend that can involve jaw exercises, steroid use, and extreme cosmetic procedures, has taken off among many boys and young men. The Onion dispels common myths surrounding looksmaxxing. MYTH: Regularly exercising your jaw muscles can make them bigger. FACT: The most effective way to change your face shape is to contract mumps. [...]The post Looksmaxxing: Myth Vs. Fact appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#73NNV)
WILLOW SPRINGS, IL-Expressing exasperation over the constant Chinese New Year chatter, local thoroughbred Lady Star told reporters Wednesday she was annoyed at all the comments she was getting about the Year of the Horse. Everyone keeps asking me if I'm excited about it being the Year of the Horse, and I'm like, uh, I guess?" [...]The post Horse Annoyed At All The Year Of The Horse Comments She Getting appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#73NK4)
South Korea's spy agency believes North Korean leader Kim Jong-Un has chosen his daughter Kim Ju Ae as his heir, with the 13-year-old having recently attended several high profile events alongside her father. What do you think?The post Kim Jong-Un Selects Teen Daughter As North Korea's Next Leader appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#73ND1)
SIOUX CITY, IA-Making the dire prediction shortly after being terminated for substandard work, marketing analyst Ryan Bronson, who was laid off solely for performance-related reasons Wednesday, warned that artificial intelligence was coming for everyone. Yup, the way things are going, not a single one of us is safe from the threat of AI replacing us," [...]The post Coworker Laid Off Solely For Performance-Related Reasons Warns AI Coming For Everyone appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#73ND0)
THE HEAVENS-Expressing His confusion as to how their true calling continued to elude them, God Almighty, our Lord and Heavenly Father, was reportedly wondering Wednesday when humans would realize that the major purpose of life was to continually masturbate. It feels good and the parts to do it are attached to your body-how much simpler [...]The post God Wondering When Humans Will Realize Purpose Of Life Masturbating Continually appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#73NCZ)
MEMPHIS, TN-Immediately conducting a risk assessment after he heard the doorbell ring, local dog Toby was reportedly forced Wednesday to make a split-second decision about whether to kill or show his tummy to an unknown visitor. I really love getting scritchy-scratchies on my tumtum, but if this guy is dangerous, then the safer bet is [...]The post Dog Must Make Split-Second Decision Whether To Kill Or Show Tummy To Visitor appeared first on The Onion.
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All Upcoming Films Canceled After Every Living Actor Called To ‘Avengers: Doomsday’ Set For Reshoots
by The Onion Staff on (#73NCY)
LOS ANGELES-Confirming the rest of the industry had been brought to a virtual standstill, sources reported Wednesday that all upcoming films had been canceled after every living actor was called back to the Avengers: Doomsday set for reshoots. They've called every member of SAG-AFTRA back to set-it's a complete disaster," said an anonymous studio executive, [...]The post All Upcoming Films Canceled After Every Living Actor Called To Avengers: Doomsday' Set For Reshoots appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#73MXY)
Gallup will stop tracking presidential job approval ratings after 88 years, saying the decision reflects an evolution in how Gallup focuses its public research and thought leadership." What do you think?The post Gallup To End Presidential Approval Polling After Almost 90 Years appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#73MXZ)
LIVIGNO, ITALY-In what has become the central focus of his primetime broadcasts night after night, NBC sportscaster Mike Tirico has devoted huge swaths of Winter Games coverage this week to demanding answers from Olympic athletes about what happens to their old drug-test urine. Madison, Evan, everyone's talking about the judging controversy that cost you gold, [...]The post Mike Tirico Keeps Asking Olympians What Happens To Old Drug-Test Urine appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#73MTY)
WASHINGTON-Declaring that athletes who had disgraced their country with a poor performance needed to be dealt with in the harshest manner possible, President Donald Trump asked advisors Tuesday when he would get to kill members of Team USA who lost at the Olympics. If they're not standing on that podium, they're traitors who should be [...]The post Trump Asks When He Gets To Kill Olympians Who Lost appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#73MJ5)
WASHINGTON-In a new claim challenging traditional pediatric norms regarding infant safety, Health and Human Services Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. announced Tuesday that being left in a hot car could help babies sweat out toxins." Roll up the windows, park in a sunny spot, and let the sun do its magic-in a couple hours, your [...]The post RFK Jr.: Time In Hot Cars Helps Babies To Sweat Out Toxins' appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#73MJ4)
ROCK ISLAND, IL-Taking a moment to reflect on treasured memories of their recently deceased family patriarch, grandchildren of the late Ronald Gorden reminisced Tuesday about how their grandfather was always there to mess up stuff their grandma had just cleaned. If there's one thing you could say about Grandpa, it's that he was continually tracking [...]The post Grandpa Remembered For Messing Up Stuff Grandma Just Cleaned appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#73MJ3)
The post Dad Pursuing Lottery Scratchers Full-Time Now appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#73KSZ)
VERNON HILLS, IL-Lacking the ability to transform her father's personality to the same extent as his leather couch or riding lawn mower, newborn baby Amber Gilroy reportedly failed this week to change new parent Eric Gilroy in any conceivable way. Eric was always nice but just kind of floating through life, and then as soon [...]The post Baby Fails To Change New Father In Any Way appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#73KSY)
LONDON-Calling for all hands on deck as he seized an armful of paperbacks, local bookshop owner Colin Mueller was reportedly scrambling to hide the classics Monday after he spotted filmmaker Emerald Fennell approaching the door. For the love of God, please, someone grab the Jane Austens!" said Mueller, who jumped on top of a chair [...]The post Bookseller Scrambles To Hide All The Classics After Seeing Emerald Fennell Approaching Door appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#73KSX)
Catholics around the world will soon enter the Lenten season, an annual 40-day period of sacrifice, prayer, and repentance that ends on Easter Sunday. The Onion shares tips for observing Lent. Try starting with something shorter like Yom Kippur and working your way up. Check Google Maps for the nearest wanderable desert. Remind your children [...]The post Tips For Observing Lent appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#73JSJ)
PREDAZZO, ITALY-Calling the incident a flagrant violation of both the rules of the event and the fundamental constants of the universe, International Olympic Committee officials confirmed Saturday that the Finnish ski jumping team had been caught tampering with Earth's gravitational field in an attempt to gain a competitive advantage at the Winter Olympics. During a [...]The post Finnish Ski Jumping Team Caught Tampering With Earth's Gravitational Field appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#73J9P)
WASHINGTON-Praising the tireless efforts of the hundreds of agents who worked around the clock on the case, FBI director Kash Patel announced Friday that after almost two anguishing weeks, Savannah Guthrie had at last been located. This morning before dawn, a hostage rescue team stormed a New York Citytownhouse and freed Savannah, who miraculously did [...]The post FBI Announces They Have Located Savannah Guthrie appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#73J1E)
FORT MYERS, FL-Arriving in their nicest cleats, freshly oiled gloves, and carefully applied eye black in hopes of dazzling their coaches and peers, Major League Baseball pitchers and catchers reported to the annual Spring Training Dance Friday, marking the official return of baseball ahead of full-squad workouts later this month. Witnesses confirmed players filed into [...]The post Pitchers And Catchers Report To Spring Training Dance appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#73J1D)
TrumpRx has officially launched. The Onion shares everything you need to know about the new government website. Q: What is TrumpRx? A: A strange line item you'll see pop up on your credit card bill 15 times in a row. Q: What kinds of prescriptions can I get through TrumpRx? A: TrumpRx offers low-cost access [...]The post What To Know About TrumpRx appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#73J1C)
LEAWOOD, KS-Struggling to contain his shock and amazement Friday when he recognized a familiar face on TV, Kansas City Chiefs tight end Travis Kelce reportedly yelled to his fiancee, Taylor Swift, Yo! Taylor! Have you seen this shit?" after happening upon a Lena Dunham sex scene for the first time. You gotta see this. This [...]The post Yo! Taylor! Have You Seen This Shit?' Yells Travis Kelce, Watching Lena Dunham Sex Scenes For First Time appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#73J1B)
The bride (tacky) and groom (cheapskate) had a fucking cash bar at their reception.The post Wendy Tomalin and Lee Epsley appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#73J1A)
The post Skin of Omission appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#73J19)
The post I Don't Know How And It's Not My Event': Simone Biles On Her Decision Not To Snowboard At The Winter Olympics appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#73J18)
The post Kid Rock Sells Entire Music Catalog For Extra-Large Bucket Of Cheese Balls appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#73HGS)
The U.S. economy experienced almost zero job growth in 2025, with the Bureau of Labor Statistics data indicating that the U.S. economy added only 181,000 jobs compared to 1.46 million in 2024. What do you think?The post U.S. Gains Almost No Jobs In 2025 appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#73HGT)
WASHINGTON-Hailingthe moveasa more wholesome and patriotic substitute for thecurrentU.S.territory,conservative advocacy groupTurning Point USA announced Thursdaythat it was setting upan alternative Puerto Rico.Finally, Americans will be able to enjoy a family-friendly tropical paradise that actually celebrates traditional values,"said TurningPointCEO Erika Kirk, adding thatthe island would be known as Port Rick," a mistranslation of Puerto Rico" that [...]The post Turning Point USA Announces Alternative Puerto Rico appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#73HDR)
The post Pam Bondi Thought That Went Pretty Well appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#73HAS)
SAN FRANCISCO-Heralding what it called a bold new age" in warping the mind of the nation's elderly leader, OpenAI introduced a new premium video generator Thursday marketed toward White House advisors manipulating President Donald Trump. Our new Stephen video generator is an easy, user-friendly text-to-video model that can create clips up to two minutes long [...]The post OpenAI Introduces Premium Video Generator For White House Advisors Manipulating Trump appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#73H76)
A study published in Science found that a bonobo named Kanzi could play along when researchers offered him invisible juice and grapes in a manner akin to a child's make-believe tea party, concluding that the primate could imagine and track the nonexistent objects being manipulated. What do you think?The post Study: Bonobos Capable Of Human-Like Pretend Play appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#73H77)
WATERBURY, VT-Not wanting to squander the precious opportunity, local television viewer Amy Branson told reporters Tuesday that she was worried she was not living a 90-second ad break to the fullest. There are so many drinks in the fridge and snacks in the pantry, and yet here I am just sitting on the sofa," the [...]The post Woman Worried She Not Living 90-Second Ad Break To The Fullest appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#73H78)
Rapper Nicki Minaj has aligned herself with MAGA, stating that she is President Trump's number one fan." The Onion sat down with the artist to discuss music, politics, and the controversy she's created. The Onion: During President Trump's first term, you criticized his administration's policy of separating families at the border. What changed? Minaj: My [...]The post The Onion's Exclusive Interview With Nicki Minaj appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#73H3S)
The post Luge Gold Medalist Probably Main Luge Guy Now appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#73H3R)
Gray walls, gray floors, gray ceilings, gray fixtures, gray appliances, gray home inspector, gray Realtor, gray real estate lawyer, gray grass, gray life, gray Earth, gray eternity. $1,300,000. Reference #44439The post It's Gray Time! appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#73H3Q)
Robert Donahue, 58, died suddenly while crawling through the woods in his deer costume.The post Robert Donahue appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#73GMH)
The post Keys, Spare Change Fly Out Of Luge Athlete's Pocket On First Turn appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#73GC6)
Internal Department of Homeland Security documents revealed that less than 14% of the nearly 400,000 immigrants arrested by U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement last year had charges or convictions for violent criminal offenses. What do you think?The post Report: Less Than 14% Of Those Arrested By ICE Had Criminal Record appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#73G5Y)
BOSTON-In a move hailed as a breakthrough for round-the-clock gambling, sports betting company DraftKings announced Tuesday that users would now be able to place wagers directly from within their dreams.At DraftKings, we know the action never sleeps, and you should be able to wager however-and whenever-you want, even from deep REM sleep," CEO Jason Robins [...]The post DraftKings Introduces In-Dream Betting appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#73G5X)
CAMBRIDGE, MA-Claiming there simply wasn't much else going on for the birds over the past several million years, a study published Tuesday by Harvard University ornithologists found that macaws evolved their vibrant coloration as a way to pass the time.According to our research, macaws' striking plumage arose as a result of the New World parrots [...]The post Study Finds Macaws Evolved Vibrant Coloration To Pass The Time appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#73G5W)
The severely hungover pair woke up married Sunday morning after an alcohol-fueled six years of courtship and dating.The post Allen Goltham and Ryne Baxter appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#73G5V)
The post Mom Strong Arms Cashier Into Accepting Expired Coupon appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#73FE2)
OWENSBORO, KY-Insisting that the Winter Olympic sport was basically just lying there and letting gravity happen," local man Michael Chou correctly declared Tuesday that he could totally compete in luge and it wouldn't be that difficult. Not to shit on these guys, but c'mon, if you can successfully go down a waterslide, you've pretty much [...]The post I Could Totally Do That,' Says Correct Man Watching Luge Event appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#73FAX)
CHICAGO-Seeking to expand beyond sports coverage into radical new forms and expressions, Barstool Sports announced Monday that it would soon launch Confluences, a literary journal featuring book reviews, flash fiction, and in-depth arts criticism. Representatives at the sports website told reporters that Confluences would allow Barstool staff to supplement their usual output of fantasy football [...]The post Barstool Sports Spins Off New Literary Journal appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#73FAW)
YARMOUTH, ME-As he bemoaned yet another day of the same infuriating routine from one of the message board's biggest assholes, local man Kyle Parker confirmed Friday that AmigaraEnigma_9x9, his rival on AnimeNation.com, was up to his usual horseshit. It's not even noon, and he's already being a huge prick to someone who just said they [...]The post Rival On AnimeNation.com Up To His Usual Horseshit appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#73FAV)
The post Ron Howard Molts Baseball Cap To Grow Warmer Hat For Winter appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#73FAT)
You can accept a four-bed colonial for $450,000...or take your chances on the mystery house! Reference #68379The post Mystery House appeared first on The Onion.
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