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by The Onion Staff on (#771FR)
ATLANTA-Claiming they had definitively identified the source of the ongoing surge in foodborne illness, Centers for Disease Control officials issued a statement Thursday linking the nation's cyclosporiasis outbreak to an ancient evil corrupting the Seven Sacred Diarrhea Crystals. After extensive laboratory testing and data analysis, our epidemiologists have determined that the current outbreak of cyclospora [...]The post Cyclosporiasis Outbreak Linked To Ancient Evil Corrupting The 7 Sacred Diarrhea Crystals appeared first on The Onion.
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The Onion
| Link | https://theonion.com/ |
| Feed | https://www.theonion.com/rss |
| Updated | 2026-07-27 19:03 |
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by The Onion Staff on (#7719M)
Cases of cyclosporiasis, a parasitic infection that can cause explosive diarrhea," have been reported in at least 34 states. The Onion shares everything you need to know about the illness. Q: Who is most at risk? A: Children, the elderly, and poor fuckers who've already used all their sick days. Q: Why is it called [...]The post What To Know About Cyclosporiasis appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#7719N)
WASHINGTON-In an emotional press conference driven by fear and desperation, the American public begged Sen. Mitch McConnell (R-KY) on Thursday to stop releasing photos of himself. If you're listening, Sen. McConnell, please-we've had enough," said a spokesperson for 340 million Americans across the country, who emphasized that they didn't want to see the Republican lawmaker [...]The post Public Begs Mitch McConnell To Stop Releasing Photos Of Himself appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#7719R)
LOS ANGELES-Bunching together with nervous energy and dolled up in matching gear, a group of riot police crouched excitedly behind an armored vehicle like 3-year-olds about to begin a ballet recital, witnesses confirmed Thursday. Several reports indicated that the squad of body-armor-clad men giggled and poked at each other in anticipation of their signal to [...]The post Riot Police Excitedly Crouch Behind Armored Vehicle Like Group Of 3-Year-Olds About To Perform Ballet appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#7719Q)
The post Insisting Coworker Get To Point Somehow Slows Him Down appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#7719P)
The post Madonna Accused Of Pandering With New Song About Trying To Find Available Spot In Fire Island Share House appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#770G3)
Secretary of State Marco Rubio announced a U.S. diplomatic campaign to dismantle the International Criminal Court brick by brick," claiming the tribunal could be used to override U.S. courts and the Constitution. What do you think?The post Rubio Vows To Dismantle International Criminal Court appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#770DG)
PARIS-In an effort to blend in with other tourists and avoid negative repercussions for being American, former U.S. President Barack Obama was reportedly pretending this week to be Canadian while traveling abroad in France. Sorry, when I said I'm from Chicago, I meant the one in Ontario," said the ex-commander-in-chief, adding that he had never [...]The post Barack Obama Pretends To Be Canadian While Traveling Abroad appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#770DF)
BERKELEY, CA-Raising the alarm about an issue that could have long-term consequences for American youth, researchers at the University of California, Berkeley, published a study Wednesday that found the majority of Generation Z telepaths lacked the attention span to read even a single mind. In prior generations, telepaths would spend whole afternoons scrutinizing another person's [...]The post Study Finds Gen Z Telepaths Lack Attention Span To Read Even Single Mind appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#770DE)
The post White House Hovering, Falling 10 Feet Off Ground In Sync With Melania Snoring appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#770DD)
CHICAGO-Watching in horror as the wheezing man hacked directly into his palm before grabbing the nearest handrail, local bus passenger Derek Lawson told reporters Thursday that the guy violently coughing across the aisle from him better just have throat cancer. So help me God, if I get bronchitis right before my vacation because this guy [...]The post Guy Violently Coughing On Bus Better Just Have Throat Cancer appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#770DC)
BROOKLYN, NY-Explaining that the prominent iced coffees and chocolate-glazed Munchkins were essential to director Christopher Nolan's adaptation of the ancient Greek epic, actor Matt Damon defended Tuesday the placement of Dunkin' Donuts products in the upcoming film The Odyssey.Look-for a voyage that long, you'd need 50 sausage, egg, and cheese croissants, at least," said the [...]The post Matt Damon Defends Dunkin' Product Placement In Nolan's Odyssey' appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#76ZX7)
The post Last-Ever Global Warming Report Released For Posterity appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#76ZX8)
Darline Graham Nordone, the sister of late Senator Lindsey Graham, has been tapped to serve the remainder of his term that ends in January, despite no prior political experience. What do you think?The post Lindsey Graham's Sister To Serve Remainder Of Term appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#76ZK5)
LOS ANGELES-Touting his commitment to authentic visual effects, filmmaker Christopher Nolan revealed Tuesday that he built a fully practical Tom Holland for his latest film, The Odyssey. When you see Telemachus standing on the terrace overlooking Ithaca, you'll say, That's got to be CGI'-but I can assure you, that's bona fide Tom Holland," said Nolan, [...]The post Christopher Nolan Recalls Building Fully Practical Tom Holland For The Odyssey' appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#76ZK4)
LAS VEGAS-Expressing frustration after interacting with the unsightly couple during his first few minutes in the world, local newborn Charles Charlie" Womack could reportedly already tell Tuesday that his parents' genetics were not going to do him any favors. Oh boy, looks like I'm gonna have to put all my eggs in the personality basket," [...]The post Newborn Baby Can Already Tell Parents' Genetics Not Going To Do Him Any Favors appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#76ZK3)
SPOKANE VALLEY, WA-Experiencing a range of emotions from excitement to joy to nostalgia, 49-year-old geologist Alan Hargroder was reportedly reunited Tuesday with a beloved rock that he had studied over 20 years earlier. Oh my God, I can't believe it remembers me," said the University of Idaho professor, who embraced the piece of sedimentary rock [...]The post Geologist Reunited With Beloved Rock He Studied 20 Years Ago appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#76ZK2)
WASHINGTON-Urging anyone with knowledge of the electronic device to come forward, FBI Director Kash Patel issued a statement Tuesday asking for the public's help using the computer. If any Americans have information related to the operation of a Lenovo laptop running Windows-at least I think it's Windows, anyway-we encourage them to very slowly talk me [...]The post Kash Patel Calls For Public's Help Using Computer appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#76ZK1)
The post All Things Musk Pass appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#76ZK0)
The post Sara Lee CEO Uploads Consciousness Into Loaf Of Bread appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#76ZJZ)
Tim Wallace, 56, has gone to be with the Lord. He is survived by 1.4 billion Chinese people, among others.The post Tim Wallace appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#76Z5C)
WASHINGTON-Stipulating that the South Caucasus nation should be nothing but ash by the time it's all over, the will of recently deceased Sen. Lindsey Graham orders his estate to start a war with Azerbaijan, sources confirmed Monday. The entirety of the document consists of very specific battle plans for the scorched-earth military conquest of Azerbaijan [...]The post Lindsey Graham's Will Orders Estate To Start War With Azerbaijan appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#76Z5D)
WASHINGTON-Emphasizing that every second counted during a cardiac episode, doctors on Monday praised first responders for being too late to save Lindsay Graham from an aortic dissection. Paramedics had a very short window to save Sen. Graham, and thankfully they did not make it in time," said George Washington University Hospital cardiologist Dr. Eric Fallstaff, [...]The post Paramedics Praised For Being Too Late To Save Lindsey Graham appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#76YRD)
SAN BERNARDINO COUNTY, CA-Tugging down his blue jeans as tens of thousands of heliostat mirrors angled the noonday sun in his direction, Health and Human Services Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. was reportedly overheard saying Time to become immortal" Monday while he exposed his perineum atop the Ivanpah 2 solar tower in the Mojave Desert. [...]The post Time To Become Immortal,' Announces RFK Jr., Exposing Perineum Atop Solar Tower appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#76YRC)
WASHINGTON-Launching into the address without any preamble or provocation, the nation's alcoholics held a spontaneous press conference Monday to share a list of places where it's okay to drink. Bars are the obvious first choice, but once the uptight scolds kick you out just for having a good time, shopping mall food courts and convenience [...]The post Nation's Alcoholics Spontaneously Share List Of Places Where It's Okay To Drink appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#76YRB)
NEW YORK-Admitting that he might bear some responsibility for the NBA's recent struggles, commissioner Adam Silver acknowledged Tuesday that the league's declining ratings could very well have something to do with how he looks.Unfortunately, we've suffered a steady drop in viewership over the past several years, and I'll be the first to admit this trend [...]The post Adam Silver Acknowledges Declining Ratings May Have Something To Do With How He Looks appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#76YRA)
The post Why Do We Have A Meeting With HR? appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#76YR9)
These roommates were accidentally married Wednesday after getting high and going to City Hall to apply for an exotic pet license.The post Susan Rios and Nick Dawson appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#76YR8)
A U.S. Food and Drug Administration study concluded that trace amounts of heavy metals found in tampons, including lead and arsenic, are not released during use at levels high enough to be harmful. What do you think?The post FDA Study Claims Arsenic, Lead In Tampons Not Harmful appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#76YR7)
According to the Coast Guard, more than 500 lives are lost annually in recreational boating accidents on U.S. waterways. The Onion shares tips for safely operating a boat. To ensure clear passage, tape permit signs to the water where you plan to boat 48 hours in advance Situate elderly passengers on the lowest, most stable [...]The post Boat Safety Tips appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#76XQF)
To showcase his nation's defense industry, President Recep Tayyip Erdoan of Turkiye presented each NATO leader with a Turkish-made revolver engraved with their name, as well as six rounds of live ammunition. What do you think?The post Turkish President Gives Handguns To NATO Leaders appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#76XCV)
WASHINGTON-Relieved that their colleague appeared to be the very same man they'd known for years,allies of Sen. Mitch McConnell told reporters Friday they had recently met with the seven-term Kentucky Republican inside a body bag. Like so many Americans, we had our concerns about Mitch, but when the technician unzipped that vinyl pouch and let [...]The post GOP Allies Claim They Met With Mitch McConnell Inside Body Bag appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#76XAR)
SEVEN MILE BEACH, AUSTRALIA-In a shocking and violent scene that left the local marine mammal dead and dozens of others injured, Neil the Seal was reportedly killed in a shootout Friday with authorities in Tasmania. According to eyewitnesses, the 5-year-old southern elephant seal emerged from Tiger Head Bay early in the morning toting what appeared [...]The post Neil The Seal Killed In Shootout With Authorities appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#76XAS)
WASHINGTON-Despite protestations from the White House that the propulsion system was fully safe to operate,the Secret Service on Friday strenuously urged President Donald Trump not to use the jet pack gifted to him by Qatar. While we certainly understand the appeal of this device, it would be challenging to provide effective security for the president [...]The post Secret Service Urges Trump Not To Use Qatari-Gifted Jet Pack appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#76X8F)
WASHINGTON-Having been provided with a powerful reminder that legs were not merely for standing around on, millions of Americans confirmed Friday that the World Cup had reinvigorated their interest in kicking things. Seeing all these guys kicking balls on TV has really opened my eyes to how satisfying it is to swing your legs around [...]The post World Cup Reinvigorates Nation's Interest In Kicking Things appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#76X8G)
NEW YORK-Her eyes widening with horror as she took in the sight of the wrinkled hoodies and an upside-down electric keyboard strewn across the foyer, pop star Taylor Swift reportedly returned from her honeymoon Friday to find producer Jack Antonoff squatting in her Tribeca penthouse. Oh, hey, it's chill if I crash here for a [...]The post Taylor Swift Returns From Honeymoon To Find Jack Antonoff Squatting In House appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#76X2S)
NEW YORK-Confessing total ignorance as to the origins of the mystifying ritual, FIFA admitted Friday it has absolutely no idea why soccer players routinely walk out onto the field accompanied by a group of little kids. For a while now, the World Cup games have commenced with each player stepping out onto the pitch holding [...]The post FIFA Admits It Has No Idea Why Soccer Players Walk Out On Field With Little Kids appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#76X2R)
COLUMBUS, OH-Expressing embarrassment at the sheer amount of time that had passed, local man Evan Pfister reportedly binge-watched an entire movie in one sitting on Friday. Wow, I must have been staring at this screen for hours. Well, almost hours. An hour and forty nine minutes, to be precise," said Pfister, who told reporters that [...]The post Man Binge-Watches Entire Movie In One Sitting appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#76X2Q)
Tech giant Meta continues to push its AI smart glasses, including with a new ad campaign featuring Kylie Jenner. Here are all the features of the wearable device: Hands-free doxxing 70+ styles to suit everyone from laid-back perverts to active predators Auto-Stare mode to stare at things for you AI therapy chat for parsing what [...]The post All The Features Of Meta's AI Glasses appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#76X2P)
The post Why Is Dad Pulling The Car Over? appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#76X2N)
WASHINGTON-In a move that has drawn widespread criticism from health experts across the country, the U.S. Department of Agriculture announced Tuesday that it had filled a key advisory role with a prominent chewing skeptic.MAHA influencer Brad Holclaw has been a fierce opponent of the chewing-industrial complex, and we're confident that he'll work tirelessly to change [...]The post USDA Fills Key Advisory Role With Prominent Chewing Skeptic appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#76X2M)
The groom knew he had found his future wife the moment he saw the words NO LIARS OR DRUG ADDICTS" on the bride's Bumble profile.The post Chelsea Evans and Ben Franks appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#76X2K)
ROME-Calling the emergency order a direct response to an imminent national threat," Italian Prime Minister Giorgia Meloni issued a travel ban Wednesday restricting the entry of Italian Americans into the country.Effective immediately, the Italian Republic will no longer allow Italian Americans who believe themselves to be our paisanos' to set foot on our land," Meloni [...]The post Italy Issues Travel Ban On Italian Americans appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#76X2J)
A record heat wave in France has caused the deaths of an estimated several hundred thousand chickens, overwhelming the country's rendering plants. What do you think?The post French Heat Wave Kills Hundreds Of Thousands Of Chickens appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#76WPJ)
Planned Parenthood regained access to federal funding for non-abortion care after a ban in the One Big Beautiful Bill Act was not renewed, the result of Republican legislative priorities being directed elsewhere. What do you think?The post Planned Parenthood Regains Federal Funding appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#76WNE)
MAMANUCA ISLANDS, FIJI-In a revelation that prompted widespread calls for producers to remove him from the reality show's villa,Love Island USAcontestant Bryce Dettloff reportedly found himself under fire Thursday after newly surfaced photos showed the cast member wearing a shirt. This is a total betrayal of viewers," fan Kayla Robinson said of the shocking Instagram [...]The post Love Island' Contestant Under Fire After Newly Surfaced Photos Show Him Wearing Shirt appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#76WGZ)
The post DNC Vows To Replace Graham Platner With Establishment Rapist appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#76WBA)
Disney's live-action remake of Moana comes to theaters this weekend, a decade after the original animated film was released. The Onion shares everything you need to know about the movie. Q: Who is the target audience? A: Nostalgic 12-year-olds hoping to relive their childhood. Q: Who is the villain? A: The looming threat of a [...]The post What To Know About The Live-Action Moana' appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#76W8A)
WASHINGTON-Aiming to cut costs after a poor fiscal quarter, Washington National Opera general director Timothy O'Leary announced plans Monday to lay off 200 phantoms effective immediately.In these difficult times, we can no longer afford to keep all the ghastly, mysterious men who haunt our catacombs on this organization's payroll," said O'Leary, who expressed regret that [...]The post National Opera Lays Off 200 Phantoms appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#76W89)
Growing up, I was always encouraged to be myself. I was taught that every person is different, and that our uniqueness is a great gift. This firm sense of self served me well as I embarked upon a career as a real estate agent, home renovator, and TV personality. But my whole identity was challenged [...]The post One Day I Woke Up And There Were Two Of Me appeared first on The Onion.
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