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by The Onion Staff on (#74WX5)
The post Rory McIlroy Struggling To Fit Big Check Into Mobile Deposit Photo appeared first on The Onion.
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The Onion
| Link | https://theonion.com/ |
| Feed | https://www.theonion.com/rss |
| Updated | 2026-04-19 11:00 |
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by The Onion Staff on (#74WRT)
AUGUSTA, GA-Saluting the illustrious sportscasters for their passionate work over the course of nearly 40 years in the Augusta National Golf Club broadcast booth, CBS officials announced Sunday that longtime commentators Captain Cooter and the Gooch would be retiring upon conclusion of the 2026 Masters Tournament. Today marks the end of an era as we [...]The post CBS Announces Retirement Of Longtime Masters Commentators Captain Cooter And The Gooch appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#74W9G)
The post Nation's Sensitive Kids Denounce NHL Goal Horns appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#74W7R)
The post Scottie Scheffler's Masters Hopes Fade After He Is Swallowed By Sandworm appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#74VT1)
A new study revealed that sharks in the Bahamas tested positive for cocaine, caffeine, painkillers, and other substances, with such contaminants increasingly found in tourism-driven marine environments. What do you think?The post Cocaine, Caffeine Detected In Sharks appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#74VT2)
The post Melania Trump: Never Once In My 4,000 Years Have I Been To Epstein Island' appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#74VT3)
WASHINGTON-In an effort to refute what she described as utterly vile attacks on her character, Melania Trump slammed baseless reports this week that linked her to the wrong wealthy pedophile. Let me clear: While I have deep ties to a certain affluent individual and secret societies involved in pedophilia, I never once sexually harmed children [...]The post Melania Trump Slams Baseless Reports Linking Her To Wrong Wealthy Pedophile appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#74VR4)
SAN ANSELMO, CA-Feeling surprised and delighted by his former employee's success,Star Warscreator George Lucas reportedly called Darth Maul on Friday to congratulate the Sith Lord on his new Disney+ series. Hey man, I know it's been a while since we talked, but I just wanted to say I saw the news, and I'm really proud [...]The post George Lucas Calls Darth Maul To Congratulate Him On Disney+ Series appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#74VNX)
NEW YORK-Saying that it was truly sinking in that he had finally made it to the big leagues, New York Mets rookie Carson Benge told reporters Friday he still couldn't believe the sunflower seeds in the dugout were free. It's honestly insane-you can just take them. As many as you want. Nobody says a word, [...]The post MLB Rookie Still Can't Believe The Sunflower Seeds Are Free appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#74VNY)
More artists are banning phones at their shows. The Onion examines the pros and cons of phone-free concerts. PRO Phone finally gets some alone time Get to give full attention to jumbotron screen Brings back thousands of professional bootlegger jobs Plenty of other ways to make not-invited friend feel excluded Need both hands for Nintendo [...]The post Pros And Cons Of Phone-Free Concerts appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#74VGC)
INDIO, CA-Stressing that they had to act quickly before the situation further deteriorated, medical staff working the Coachella Valley Music and Arts Festival reportedly rushed overly lucid 23-year-old Zach Hillman into an emergency psychedelics tent Friday. Thank God for the good Samaritans who alerted us as soon as they noticed him standing up straight and [...]The post Coachella Medical Staff Rush Overly Lucid Man To Emergency Psychedelics Tent appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#74VGB)
WASHINGTON-In a surprising collective announcement that left the American public hugging and crying tears of joy, the nation's women declared Wednesday that they were pregnant, confirming en masse that it's yours."Our little blessing is due in October," the chorus of approximately 78 million women of reproductive age said in perfect unison, each gently placing a [...]The post Nation's Women: We're Pregnant!' appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#74VGA)
Gideon Spencer, 77, died Monday. The family requests privacy while they fight over his stuff.The post Gideon Spencer appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#74VGD)
NEW YORK-BTS appeared Thursday in an unconventionally tense episode of the YouTube series Hot Wings during which host Sean Evans was reportedly forced to beg members of the boy band to stop dancing and just try the damn wings." Boys, please!" said Evans, raising his voice and clapping his hands in a futile effort to [...]The post Hot Ones' Host Begs BTS To Stop Dancing And Try Wings appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#74TZX)
A Caribbean Airlines passenger went into labor while traveling to New York from Jamaica, giving birth as the flight was in its final descent to JFK Airport. What do you think?The post Passenger Gives Birth Mid-Flight appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#74TXH)
WASHINGTON-In an effort to call attention to a potentially life-threatening hazard, the State Department issued a travel warning Thursday for all women considering taking a vacation with their husbands. While we aren't yet expressly banning women from traveling with their husbands, we're emphatically urging them to use extreme caution if they feel they must take [...]The post State Department Issues Travel Warning For Women Vacationing With Husbands appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#74TR1)
Following their historic moon flyby, the Artemis II crew will return to Earth on Friday. The Onion looks at the key facts and figures behind the lunar mission. 15 mph Speed limit in moon zone 49 million Fewer streams than a British guy playing League Of Legends 4 Times mission specialist Jeremy Hansen has suggested [...]The post NASA's Artemis II Mission By The Numbers appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#74TN5)
WASHINGTON-After manually prying his eyelids open to read from a report he had prepared on the matter, a badly swollen Robert F. Kennedy Jr. gave a speech Tuesday in which he warned that Americans were not eating enough bees.In our survey of American dietary habits, we were alarmed to find that the vast majority of [...]The post Swollen RFK Jr. Warns Americans Not Eating Enough Bees appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#74TN4)
DOVER, WI-In an incident local residents have described as more-or-less tolerable, authorities announced Friday that only two were dead in what many were calling a completely bearable tragedy.We're all still searching for words to talk about this loss-but the first that occurred to me were small' and understandable,'" said Dover Police Chief Andrew McDonagh, who [...]The post Only 2 Dead In Bearable Tragedy appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#74TN3)
ATLANTA-In a move widely interpreted as an effort to exempt its offerings from health and safety standards, American chain restaurant Arby's issued a statement Tuesday reclassifying its food as entertainment.Whether it's our Classic Beef 'N Cheddar, our Chicken Cordon Bleu, or our famous Jamocha Shake, the menu items at Arby's are not meant to be [...]The post Arby's Reclassifies Their Food As Entertainment appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#74TN2)
Friends and family of the betrothed traveled from near and far to learn there are no Ubers in Fair Grove, MO.The post Jean McCarthy and Allison Foster appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#74T0R)
NEW YORK-In an announcement that left fans of the 2006 original buzzing with excitement, The Devil Wears Prada 2 director David Frankel confirmed Wednesday that actor Adrien Grenier would make a cameo in the film as a corpse on the street. We're so pleased to have not just Anne Hathaway and Meryl Streep back, but [...]The post The Devil Wears Prada 2' Director Confirms Adrian Grenier Cameo As Corpse On Street appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#74SVP)
LONDON-Urging the public to remain calm as authorities worked to recapture the mentally disturbed individual, city officials confirmed Monday that novelist J.K. Rowling had escaped from a London insane asylum. At 7:33 this morning, medical staff reportedly discovered the Harry Potter author and outspoken anti-trans activist had broken out of her padded, maximum-security cell at [...]The post J.K. Rowling EscapesInsane Asylum appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#74SVN)
LAUSANNE, SWITZERLAND-In what scholars have called the largest shake-up of the game's rule set in centuries, the International Chess Federation announced Tuesday that it was adding a race car piece to the playing board.In all officially sanctioned matches played from today forward, the pawn immediately in front of a player's king will be replaced with [...]The post International Chess Federation Adds Race Car Piece appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#74SVM)
The post Usha Vance Catches Husband Measuring Her Skull Again appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#74SVK)
Own a piece of history while lording your precious uniqueness over everyone around you with this wildly impractical $2 million statement home. Reference #70369The post Converted Church For Yuppie Douchebags appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#74SVJ)
Avid online shopper Evelyn Simmons, 55, passed away suddenly, making this an opportune time for porch pirates to finally make their move.The post Evelyn Simmons appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#74SDE)
A U.S. Air Force officer who went missing after his fighter jet was shot down over a remote area of Iran has been rescued, with the CIA having developed a deception plan to buy time for the high stakes operation. What do you think?The post Downed U.S. Airman Rescued From Iran appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#74S70)
The post Snob Doesn't Think Audiobook Counts As Real Porn appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#74S71)
The post Artemis II Astronaut Decapitated By Telephone Pole After Sticking Head Out Window appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#74S42)
NEW YORK-In a desperate ploy aimed at playing on the sympathies of concerned viewers, CBS News editor-in-chief Bari Weiss reportedly attempted to boost ratings for her struggling programs this week by kidnapping the mother of evening anchor Tony Dokoupil. I'm not going to hurt you, Ms. Dokoupil, but you'll be staying with me at least [...]The post Bari Weiss Attempts To Boost Ratings By Kidnapping Tony Dokoupil's Mom appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#74S0T)
The post Dad Turns Up Skyrizi Commercial appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#74S0S)
WASHINGTON-In an effort to keep his airways clear while his colleagues discussed foreign policy, U.S. Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth was laid on his side for a Cabinet meeting Friday, according to sources within the White House.Hey, Scott [Bessent], could you grab us a couple towels to support his head and soak up some of [...]The post Pete Hegseth Laid On Side For Cabinet Meeting appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#74S0R)
CINCINNATI-Unable to provide an explanation for the woman's rich social life, area man Jason Hellerman told reporters Tuesday that it was unclear where his girlfriend, Jess Mikkel, kept making all these friends.Jess definitely knows Sarah from work and Kim from book club, but other than that, it's a mystery where her friends are coming from," [...]The post Unclear Where Girlfriend Keeps Making All These Friends appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#74S0Q)
The couple were wed Saturday in a ceremony attended by both of their future spouses.The post Samantha Irizarry and Isaac Porter appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#74RH4)
NEW YORK-Describing the new film's narrative choices as recklessly exploitative given the current climate, critics blasted The Super Mario Galaxy Movie in reviews last week for its flippant school shooting plotline. This is a painful, deeply difficult topic, and one that deserved more than the deliberate provocation of showing Princess Rosalina doing target practice in [...]The post Critics Outraged By Flippant School Shooting Plotline In The Super Mario Galaxy Movie' appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#74REN)
WASHINGTON-Threatening to continue issuing threats if the Islamic Republic did not quickly agree to his demands, President Donald Trump warned Iran on Monday to accept his ultimatum or face the wrath of his next ultimatum. Lay down your weapons now or I will have no choice but to ask you to lay down your weapons [...]The post Trump Warns Iran To Accept His Ultimatum Or Face Wrath Of Next Ultimatum appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#74RCV)
A Gallup survey found that heavy social media users are less likely to think democracy is the best form of government and more likely to stray from democratic norms, with research suggesting that social media is contributing to a more fractured social environment. What do you think?The post Social Media Users Sour On Democracy appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#74R8A)
WASHINGTON-In a tragic accident the Pentagon confirmed was currently under internal investigation, 340 million Americans were killed Tuesday in the course of a botched military training exercise. According to top generals, the mishap occurred at Fort Bliss Army base in Texas, where members of the 1st Armored Division participating in a live training exercise repeatedly [...]The post 340 Million Americans Killed In Botched Training Exercise appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#74R89)
The post Trump Paves Over White House Easter Egg Hunt appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#74R88)
President Trump has threatened to pull out of the North Atlantic Treaty Organization, calling the military alliance a paper tiger." The Onion examines the pros and cons of withdrawing from NATO. PRO U.S. can finally join Warsaw Pact Would free up time to join something more fun, like the International Pickleball Federation Won't have to [...]The post Pros And Cons Of U.S. Withdrawing From NATO appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#74R87)
The post Art Thief Leaves Behind Tacky Jeff Koons Piece appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#74R86)
This perfect Tudor, which is walking distance from downtown and boasts plenty of space, will go to someone who bid exactly $7.34 more than you. Reference #582374The post Guess You Should've Made Your Coffee At Home appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#74QSM)
The post Rich Parents Fill Easter Eggs With Gas appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#74QAJ)
President Donald Trump fired Pam Bondi as attorney general after growing frustrated with her handling of the Jeffrey Epstein files and what he perceived as her lack of aggressiveness in prosecuting his political opponents. What do you think?The post Pam Bondi Fired As Attorney General appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#74PX8)
The post Pam Bondi Brought In For Exit Lobotomy appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#74PX9)
The post Bondi: My Only Regret Is Not Being Able To Re-Traumatize More Victims' appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#74PXA)
WASHINGTON-Saying he had finally found a military commander whose character was worthy of the U.S. Army,Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth announced Friday that he was replacing ousted top general Randy George with a horse that drinks beer.With Dusty's wartime promotion to Army chief of staff, we're putting the world on notice that the days of buzzkill [...]The post Pete Hegseth Replaces Top General With Horse That Drinks Beer appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#74PV3)
The post Iran Imposes New Cash, Grass, Or Ass' Fee For Strait Of Hormuz appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#74PV4)
KENT, WA-In an effort to attract new customers by generating more enthusiasm for space tourism among the general populace, civilian spaceflight operator Blue Origin confirmed Friday it had launched the world's largest ball of twine into orbit around the Earth. Many people who find the idea of space travel exciting are disappointed once they realize [...]The post Blue Origin To Increase Space Tourism By Launching World's Largest Ball Of Twine Into Orbit appeared first on The Onion.
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