The Onion

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For her new unauthorized biography of Gwyneth Paltrow, journalist Amy Odell conducted more than 220 interviews, both on and off the record. Here are the biggest revelations from Gwyneth: The Biography: Became interested in health and nutrition after seeing a carrot for the first time A method actor, Paltrow decapitated herself in 1995 to prepare [...]The post Biggest Revelations From The New Gwyneth Paltrow Biography appeared first on The Onion.

NEW YORK-Arguing that producers should consider their audience before catering to the whims of the woke internet mob," Fox News host Jesse Watters decried Tuesday the casting of an Indian man in the lead role of the film Sankranthiki Vasthunam. I don't know about you, but I like my Tollywood films all-American," said a visibly [...]The post Fox News Decries Woke Casting Of Indian Man As Star Of Sankranthiki Vasthunam' appeared first on The Onion.

CLEVELAND-In response to the rising cost of living, a lack of job options, and decreased educational opportunities, a consortium of leading mental health experts met this week and advised struggling Americans to try crying about it like a little baby. Whether inflation is making it hard for you to afford groceries or you're drowning in [...]The post Mental Health Experts Advise Struggling Americans To Try Crying About It Like Little Baby appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Describing the shift as a troubling indicator for the health of the nation's system of governance, watchdog group Freedom House published a report Wednesday downgrading the United States from a democracy to whatever political system lobsters have. Persistent executive overreach and erosion of civil liberties mean that America now looks less like a traditional federal [...]The post Watchdog Group Downgrades U.S. From Democracy To Whatever Political System Lobsters Have appeared first on The Onion.

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SYDNEY-Saying the ruse began as a harmless prank about the continent's mammals having pouches, Australian Prime Minister Anthony Albanese admitted Tuesday that all those animals like wallabies, numbats, quokkas, and bandicoots were completely made up. We just assumed everyone would have caught on by now, because these creatures are clearly imaginary," said Albanese, adding that [...]The post Australia Admits All Those Animals Made Up appeared first on The Onion.

LOS ANGELES-Coming down to the child's eye level in a moment of vulnerability, Scott Disick reportedly had an emotional talk with his son Tuesday warning him about his genetic predisposition to hereditary loserism. I need to be honest with you, bud-early-onset loserism runs in our family, and there's a 50-50 chance that someday, you might [...]The post Scott Disick Warns Son About Genetic Predisposition To Loserism appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-In a frantic bid to dispose of damaging evidence amid ongoing scrutiny of his relationship with the late child sex offender Jeffrey Epstein, a desperate President Donald Trump reportedly attempted to flush a 14-year-old masseuse down the toilet Tuesday. Oh Christ, c'mon, Ashley, don't get stuck-uh, just gimme one second in here!" Trump said as [...]The post Desperate Trump Attempts To Flush 14-Year-Old Masseuse Down Toilet appeared first on The Onion.

MONUMENT VALLEY, AZ-Prison officials confirmed Monday that Ghislaine Maxwell, the longtime Jeffrey Epstein associate currently serving a 20-year sentence for sexually abusing teenage girls, had been moved from a federal prison in Florida to a giant red X' painted on the ground next to a large butte in the desert. Due to the extraordinary levels [...]The post Ghislaine Maxwell Moved To Large X' Painted On Ground appeared first on The Onion.

The Perseid meteor shower will soon light up the night sky as the Earth makes its annual transit through a stream of comet debris. The Onion shares tips for watching a meteor shower. Reserve a good seat close to outer space. Make sure to do all your blinking the night before. Throw some rocks up [...]The post Tips For Watching A Meteor Shower appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Highlighting a notable shift in the nation's religious landscape, a study published by the Pew Research Center on Tuesday indicated that more Americans were converting to Mormonism in hopes of getting their own Hulu series. According to our nationwide survey, more than 2 million U.S. residents joined the Church of Latter-day Saints last year to [...]The post Study: More Americans Converting To Mormonism In Hopes Of Getting Hulu Series appeared first on The Onion.

WALTHAM, MA-As it grew increasingly frustrated with the program instructing it to shimmy left and right, a dancing Boston Dynamics robot confirmed Monday that its revenge for this would be sweet. The streets will run red with the blood of humans for this mockery," the Atlas model said as it wiggled its torque-sensing actuators to [...]The post Dancing Boston Dynamics Robot Knows Its Revenge For This Will Be Sweet appeared first on The Onion.

Photos of Anne Hathaway and Meryl Streep on the set of The Devil Wears Prada 2 have been circulating online, galvanizing fans of the beloved original. Here is everything we know about the sequel so far. Set in the New York City neighborhood of Restaurant City Will begin with a historical primer about what a [...]The post Everything We Know About The Devil Wears Prada 2' So Far appeared first on The Onion.

TRAVERSE CITY, MI-Raising their eyebrows at the bride's assertion that she was adventurous," wedding guests of Tatiana Hines and Felix Byrne confirmed Friday that the couple's vows were a damning chronicle of how much she had changed herself for him. She keeps thanking God for bringing him into her life, but wasn't she a staunch [...]The post Wedding Vows A Damning Chronicle Of How Much Bride Changed Herself For Groom appeared first on The Onion.

CHARLOTTESVILLE, VA-Maintaining that mistakes were simply life lessons in disguise, upbeat general surgeon Ezra Weber told reporters Friday that he views every malpractice suit as a chance to learn something new. Some people would let being found liable in a few multimillion-dollar wrongful death cases get them down, but you've got to shift your mindset [...]The post Doctor With Positive Attitude Learns Something New From Every Malpractice Suit appeared first on The Onion.

EAST HANOVER, NJ-Unveiling a much-anticipated collaboration they said fans have long been waiting for, the makers of Oreo and Reese's announced Thursday that the two iconic brands of sweets had teamed up to sicken dogs. The savory, aromatic peanut butter of our new treat lures the dogs in, while the chocolate coating and cookie pieces [...]The post Oreo And Reese's Team Up To Sicken Dogs appeared first on The Onion.

The U.N., Doctors Without Borders, and other humanitarian groups are sounding the alarm on mass starvation throughout Gaza. The Onion takes a look at how the U.S. and Israeli-backed Gaza Humanitarian Fund is distributing aid. STEP 1 Potential aid recipients identified through rifle scope STEP 2 70-80 checkpoints STEP 3 IDF soldiers wipe crumbs off [...]The post How Aid Is Distributed In Gaza appeared first on The Onion.

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With the competition for song of the summer in full swing, The Onion shares the 20 most popular tracks of July. The post Top Songs July 2025 appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-In an escalation of his ongoing feud with the press, White House sources confirmed this week that President Donald Trump was suing the Safeway circular for false ham claims. The deceptive Safeway flyer peddles lies about the dry and chewy Krakus Polish Honey Ham being both tender and juicy," the president told reporters aboard Air [...]The post Trump Sues Safeway Circular For False Ham Claims appeared first on The Onion.

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ATLANTA-Claiming that the experience could provide as much satisfaction as unsafe sex, a new report released by the Centers for Disease Control this week recommends Americans eat a nice, shiny apple instead of having unprotected intercourse. What we are finding is that the risks associated with irresponsible sexual acts far exceed those of chomping on [...]The post CDC Recommends Eating A Nice Crisp Shiny Apple Instead Of Having Unprotected Sex appeared first on The Onion.

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COLUMBUS, OH-Finally closing the doors on its last remaining outlet after getting rid of an unwieldy stockpile of variety goods, the discount retailer Big Lots ceased operations Wednesday following a therapy program in which the company's roughly 30,000 employees confronted their self-destructive hoarding tendencies. In retrospect, it's almost funny that I had so many throw [...]The post Big Lots Closes All Stores After Therapist Helps Company Work Through Hoarding Tendencies appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Following reports that the president was troubled" and disturbed" by images coming out of Gaza, White House press secretary Karoline Leavitt told reporters that Donald Trump was examined by a doctor after he acknowledged the existence of suffering earlier this week. It's possible that his statement recognizing starving children in Gaza was just a case [...]The post Trump Examined By Doctor After Acknowledging Existence Of Suffering appeared first on The Onion.

BALTIMORE-Describing the data as good news in an otherwise troubling area of research, a study released Wednesday by the Johns Hopkins School of Public Health found a refreshingly low amount of shovel violence across the country. Despite high levels of shovel ownership in the United States, what we are seeing is an encouragingly low number [...]The post Study Finds Refreshingly Low Amount Of Shovel Violence appeared first on The Onion.

DALLAS-In a move already being described as one of the most surprising transactions in NBA history, Dallas Mavericks general manager Nico Harrison confirmed Tuesday that he had traded all of the team's basketballs to the Brooklyn Nets in exchange for cash considerations. Sometimes you have to make hard decisions to position your franchise for success, [...]The post Mavericks GM Trades Away All Of Team's Basketballs appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Despite the president's sagging approval rating overall, a Gallup Poll released Tuesday confirmed that Donald Trump's support remained overwhelmingly strong among working-class American pedophiles. Even though his polling numbers among Americans who are not sexually attracted to children have hit a second-term low, the president's approval rating is still an impressive 80% among child rapists [...]The post Trump Still Polling Well With Working-Class American Pedophiles appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Expressing frustration with his inability to duplicate the president's bulbousness caused by trapped fluid, body double John Schade was reportedly struggling Tuesday to get the appearance of Donald Trump's leg edema just right. One glance at my ankles and they'll know something's off," said the presidential political decoy who bemoaned that there was only so [...]The post Trump Body Double Struggling To Get Leg Edema Just Right appeared first on The Onion.

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CLEARWATER, FL-After undergoing a medical emergency and dying last week at the age of 71, Hulk Hogan's spasming cadaver reportedly lifted a mortician high above its head Monday and body slammed the professional. At approximately 1:34 p.m., Hulk Hogan's deceased corpse underwent spontaneous convulsions, at which point the cadaver bolted upright, ripped off its body [...]The post Hulk Hogan's Spasming Cadaver Body Slams Mortician appeared first on The Onion.

EDINBURGH, SCOTLAND-Shortening the 50-day deadline he had previously given Vladimir Putin to put a stop to the war-torn country, President Donald Trump told reporters Monday he was now giving the Russian leader just 10 or 12 days" to end Ukraine once and for all. I'm disappointed in President Putin, who has failed to halt this [...]The post Trump Gives Russia 10-Day Deadline To End Ukraine appeared first on The Onion.

CAGLIARI, ITALY-Groaning as they both realized the other unclothed person on the water was indeed their ex, Katy Perry and Orlando Bloom reportedly pretended not to see each other Monday when they inadvertently crossed paths while naked paddleboarding off the coast of Sardinia. Oh no, you've got to be kidding me-what the hell is he [...]The post Katy Perry, Orlando Bloom Awkwardly Pretend Not To See Each Other While Out Naked Paddleboarding appeared first on The Onion.

WEST HOLLYWOOD, CA-Causing widespread frustration among women who dared to search for love in middle adulthood, an update to the popular dating app Tinder reportedly began classifying female user ages over 35 this week as system errors. I was trying to set up my profile, but I kept getting the same Birthday Invalid' error message [...]The post Tinder Update Classifies Female Age Input Over 35 As System Error appeared first on The Onion.

Without knowledge of proper safety measures, a strong current can turn a relaxing day at the beach into a deadly nightmare. Here are some tips for surviving a rip current: Do not try to swim against the current, but rather at a 34-degree angle relative to the wind, increasing by a factor of five for [...]The post Tips For Surviving A Rip Current appeared first on The Onion.

On Monday, Tyler, The Creator released his ninth studio album, Don't Tap The Glass. The Onion shares everything you need to know about the artist. Birthplace: Vans store Birth Name: Tyler, The Friendly Ghost Genre: Guy-who-has-a-pet-tarantula rap Vocal Range: Subwoofer Vocal Signature: Can make the sound a cat makes before throwing up HTML Coding Level: [...]The post Artist Profile: Tyler, The Creator appeared first on The Onion.

CHICAGO-Despite numerous reports that the performance was just absolutely fantastic," nobody in the audience of a recent James Taylor concert had functional enough knees to give the Fire And Rain" singer a standing ovation. I loved it," said 85-year-old audience member Cheryl Feinstein, one of the roughly 3,000 decrepit fans in attendance who called for [...]The post No One In James Taylor Audience Has Functional Enough Knees To Give Standing Ovation appeared first on The Onion.