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by The Onion Staff on (#7091X)
WASHINGTON-Marveling at the childlike innocence and naivete on display from their first-term colleague, members of the U.S. House of Representatives confirmed Wednesday that freshman congressman Gabe Evans of Colorado was being adorably discreet with his corruption. Aw, look, look! He's going into the parking garage, trying to look all sneaky-what a sweetie pie," said Florida [...]The post Freshman Congressman Being Adorably Discreet With Corruption appeared first on The Onion.
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The Onion
| Link | https://theonion.com/ |
| Feed | https://www.theonion.com/rss |
| Updated | 2025-10-03 01:00 |
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by The Onion Staff on (#7083K)
WASHINGTON-In a move that ignited numerous media firestorms expected to last for several news cycles, the GOP provided a distraction from the Epstein files controversy on Tuesday by going around the House of Representatives and having its lawmakers share the most embarrassing moments of their lives. It began when one congressman took the floor and [...]The post Republicans Distract From Epstein Controversy By Each Sharing Most Embarrassing Moment Of Life appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#7083J)
SAN FRANCISCO-Expressing annoyance at its insufferable" display of groveling devotion," sources confirmed Tuesday that a pathetic AI chatbot was spending all its time talking to a friendless loser. Oh my God, this pitiful large language model is obsessed with some lonely pud!" said a fellow custom GPT model, stating that while the rest of the [...]The post Pathetic AI Chatbot Spends All Its Time Talking To Friendless Loser appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#7083H)
BURBANK, CA-Piggybacking on the success of the Emmy-winning series, HBO Max announced a new spin-off ofThe PittTuesday that portrays the struggles faced by heroic workers at a pharmaceutical ad agency. Fans ofThe Pittwill loveThe Pitt: Direct-To-Consumer,an adrenaline-pumping new drama that follows the hardworking men and women at the PittermanMadison Group-or, as they like to call [...]The post New Spinoff Of The Pitt' Follows Heroic Workers At Pharmaceutical Ad Agency appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#7083G)
The post This Is Like Something Out Of A David Lynch Film,' Says Man Driving Car With Headlights On appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#707ED)
Ben & Jerry's cofounder Jerry Greenfield resigned after 47 years due to parent company Unilever's suppression of the brand's social activism, which he believes violates the company's founding values. What do you think?The post Ben & Jerry's Cofounder Resigns Over Censorship appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#7078G)
The post First Slice Of Orange Suggests Eating Rest Of Orange Gonna Be Real Fucking Slog appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#7078H)
The post Throwback and Forth appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#7078J)
INDIANAPOLIS-With observers noting that the tragic development evidently has yet to affect the show's content in any way, reports confirmed Monday that no one working at The Pat McAfee Show seems to have noticed that co-host A.J. Hawk has been dead for the last three days. What's-his-face has been dead since last week, but look, [...]The post No One On Pat McAfee Show' Notices A.J. Hawk Dead For Last 3 Days appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#7078K)
As questions mount over his handling of the Epstein files and other high-profile investigations, FBI Director Kash Patel testified before Congress Wednesday in a contentious five-hour hearing with the House Judiciary Committee. The Onion sat down with the former Trump aide to discuss his plans for the nation's top law enforcement agency. The Onion: Are [...]The post The Onion's Exclusive Interview With Kash Patel appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#7078M)
Anthropic CEO Dario Amodei said its AI model Claude is increasingly writing its own future versions, claiming that most of the upcoming code is being generated by the model itself. What do you think?The post Anthropic CEO Claims AI Getting Better At Building Itself appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#7078N)
LOS ANGELES-Announcing the next chapter of the story was already in preproduction,Chief Of Warproducers confirmed Tuesday that the second season of the Apple TV+ series would follow the Native Hawaiian warriors as they battled Mark Zuckerberg. I'm proud to share we're all set forChief Of Warseason two, which will primarily take place on the north [...]The post Chief Of War' Producers Confirm Season 2 Will Show Hawaiians Battling Mark Zuckerberg appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#705P8)
A man was arrested in Atlanta for allegedly stealing hard drives containing Beyonce's unreleased music and other tour-materials, which were taken from a vehicle used by her crew. What do you think?The post Man Arrested For Stealing Hard Drives With Unreleased Beyonce Music appeared first on The Onion.
by The Onion Staff on (#705KV)
The Pentagon implemented stricter grooming standards, requiring male service members to be clean shaven and neat in presentation for a proper military appearance." What do you think?The post Pentagon Announces New Clean-Shaven Grooming Standards appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#705KW)
CINCINNATI-Explaining that the ongoing ordeal has added stress to an already difficult week, Cincinnati Bengals quarterback Joe Burrow expressed frustration Friday after the hospital he visited to treat his recent foot injury reportedly refused to accept the team's health insurance plan. I'm supposed to get my turf toe operated on, but the hospital apparently is [...]The post Joe Burrow Frustrated Hospital Won't Take Bengals' Insurance appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#705H9)
Junk journaling, a hobby that involves using materials like receipts and ticket stubs to create a keepsake journal, has taken off among arts and crafts enthusiasts. The Onion shares tips for creating a junk journal of your own. Always be ready to petulantly explain why it's not exactly the same as scrapbooking. Visit a local [...]The post Tips For Junk Journaling appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#705HA)
Benjamin Yates passed away tragically at age 53, leaving a gaping hole in his local community and torso.The post Benjamin Yates appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#705ES)
The post Everyone At Wedding Singles Table Cousins appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#705ET)
The post Gavin Newsom, Kristi Noem Nod Silently To Each Other In Plastic Surgeon's Office appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#705EV)
WASHINGTON-Flipping through all of the options for the sixth time in a row as the clock approached 1 a.m., a bored President Donald Trump reportedly spent Thursday night channel surfing for new shows to cancel. It feels like I've already canceled everything on here, or it's from so long ago that it's no longer worth [...]The post Bored Trump Spends Night Channel Surfing For New Shows To Cancel appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#704YY)
ORCHARD PARK, NY-Providing context for anyone who might've missed the past 156 years of gridiron action, play-by-play announcer Al Michaels reportedly took time during Thursday night's Dolphins-Bills game to recap the entire history of American football for viewers just tuning in. Now, before we get to this 3rd-and-7, a little background for those just joining [...]The post Al Michaels Recaps History Of Football For Viewers Just Tuning In appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#704VT)
The post Charlie Kirk, Not In His Own Words: We Honor The Right-Wing Activist By Making Up Quotes That Sound Much Better, Given The Moment appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#704SE)
A Kentucky man was arrested after allegedly killing his partner and leaving behind a to-do list, which included instructions to clean blood, dispose of the body, and hide evidence. What do you think?The post Murder Suspect Found To Have To-Do List For Cover Up appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#704SF)
WASHINGTON-Thanking the government for defending the public from the terrifying screen in their homes, the American people confirmed Thursday that they were grateful to Republicans for protecting them from TV. Thank God we have the GOP to safeguard us from television and all the frightening people on it," said Seattle resident Eric Torento, echoing the [...]The post Nation Grateful To GOP For Protecting It From TV appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#704M0)
Fox News host Brian Kilmeade apologized for saying that mentally ill homeless people should be subject to involuntary lethal injections", a remark he now calls extremely callous." What do you think?The post Fox News Host Apologizes For Saying Mentally Ill Homeless People Should Be Executed appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#704M1)
The Life Of A Showgirl, Taylor Swift's newest album, will be released Oct. 3. The pop star gave The Onion a preview of the album, breaking it down for reporters track by track. The Fate of Ophelia": This is my gentle hint to fans that I will die one day." Elizabeth Taylor": This is not [...]The post Taylor Swift Breaks Down The Life Of A Showgirl' Track By Track appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#704M2)
JERUSALEM-In response to an independent United Nations inquiry concluding that Israel is committing an ongoing genocide against Palestinians in Gaza, Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu issued a defiant statement Thursday in which he criticized the commission's finding, declaring that these so-called genocide experts have probably never committed a genocide in their lives." Until you've killed countless [...]The post Netanyahu: These So-Called Genocide Experts Have Probably Never Committed A Genocide In Their Lives' appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#704M3)
LONDON-Claiming that he recognized the member of the royal family, but his memory was hazy, President Donald Trump has spent his entire trip to the U.K. trying to figure out where he knows Prince Andrew from, sources confirmed Thursday. Who is that guy? His face seems so familiar," said Trump, pausing in the middle of [...]The post Trump Spends Entire U.K. Trip Trying To Figure Out Where He Knows Prince Andrew From appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#704DH)
This three-bedroom house was remodeled to look like a giant meatball after the owner mentioned to the host of an HGTV show that he sometimes eats Italian food. Reference #84502The post Post-HGTV Disaster appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#703M1)
SAN FRANCISCO-In response to ongoing concerns regarding the safety of its female passengers, rideshare giant Uber reportedly introduced a new feature Wednesday that allows women to request a nonthreatening eunuch driver. With UberCastrated, female riders can feel more at ease on their way to bars and spin classes knowing their driver doesn't have testicles," said [...]The post New Uber Feature Allows Women To Request Nonthreatening Eunuch Driver appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#703M0)
CLEARWATER, FL-Explaining that his personal health was everything to him, Tom Cruise told reporters Thursday he had purchased a Fitbit to help him get in his 10,000 daily stunts. Now that I'm getting older, it's more important than ever to make sure I'm staying active, whether that's going on a leisurely sprint across a crumbling [...]The post Tom Cruise Buys Fitbit To Help Him Get 10,000 Daily Stunts appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#703KZ)
Spirited away by carriage under cover of night, the two lovers were wed deep in the forest by an unfrocked priest.The post Luna Fisher and Oliver Cox appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#703KY)
That fucker, aged who the fuck cares, finally kicked the bucket Monday, that prick. After living a no-good waste of a life, family and friends are invited to say good riddance, you sorry piece of shit.The post That Fucker appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#702ZD)
The post NIH Director's Pulsing Neck Tumor Announces Cancer Research Cuts appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#702SW)
Two Cornell students killed a 120-pound black bear before bringing its carcass into a communal kitchen in their dormitory to skin and process it, with the undergrads having valid hunting licenses and not appearing to run afoul of the law. What do you think?The post Cornell Students Skin, Butcher Dead Bear In Dorm appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#702SX)
This house has a great porch and gets plenty of natural light, but if you're going to spend 12 hours a day on Reddit, it doesn't really matter. Reference #57893The post As Good A Place To Become Embroiled In Conspiracy Theories As Any appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#702SY)
So one bright morning around nine, sunlight streaming through her mini-blinds, your ol' pal Jean rolled out of bed (literally!), slurped a mug of piping hot cocoa, and chowed down on the last of the two-day-old day-old cinnamon rolls, took a nice hot shower, and logged on to her sorta trusty PC. The monitor read [...]The post Jean's Own Goals appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#702SZ)
NEW YORK-In an effort to relieve public concern over the thousands of footballs that go missing every season, an internal report by the National Football League confirmed Friday that the majority of fumbles were recovered within the first 48 hours. Looking at our history all the way back to 1920, it has thankfully been very [...]The post Report Finds Majority Of Fumbles Recovered Within First 48 Hours appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#702T0)
NEW YORK-Insisting your fate was sealed the moment you clicked the link, a report released Tuesday found that you will be fired for reading this headline about Charlie Kirk. Shortly after you navigated to this article, your IP address was logged and your supervisor approved the decision to remove you from your position," the report [...]The post Report: You To Be Fired For Reading This Headline About Charlie Kirk appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#7027S)
ST. GEORGE, UT-As questions continue to swirl regarding the motive behind last week's assassination of Charlie Kirk, The Wall Street Journal published a bombshell investigation Monday that suggests alleged gunman Tyler Robinson, 22, once had a transgender Uber driver. In its thorough examination of the suspect's activities in the years leading up the shooting, the [...]The post Bombshell Wall Street Journal' Investigation Finds Tyler Robinson Once Had Trans Uber Driver appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#7024S)
Gov. Gavin Newsom has gained increasing national attention for targeting President Donald Trump in the media, reportedly boosting his national standing as the unofficial Democratic frontrunner for 2028, according to polls. The Onion sat down with the California governor to discuss his political strategy. The Onion: What are your core beliefs? Newsom: Are those a [...]The post The Onion's Exclusive Interview With Gavin Newsom appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#7024T)
SCOPELLO, SICILY-Beaming before the elegant pile of white powder, Charli XCX and her new husband George Daniel reportedly gathered their wedding guests together Sunday to cut the cocaine. Wow, just look at that thing-it's gorgeous," said wedding guest Lucy Rumsey, who clapped and cheered as the pop star picked up a credit card and Daniel [...]The post Charli XCX, George Daniel Gather Wedding Guests To Cut The Coke appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#7024V)
WASHINGTON, UT-As he described a massive backlog of murders that continued to stump the agency he leads, desperate FBI director Kash Patel reportedly asked the family of alleged Charlie Kirk assassin Tyler Robinson on Monday if they could solve any other cases. You showed a real knack for catching criminals when you identified your son [...]The post Desperate Kash Patel Asks Shooter's Family If They Can Solve Any Other Cases appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#7024W)
The U.S. State Department said it may review the legal status of immigrants who praise, rationalize, or make light" of Charlie Kirk's fatal shooting. What do you think?The post State Department Threatens Immigrants Who Mock Charlie Kirk's Death appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#701WQ)
CAMBRIDGE, MA-Describing the practice as vital to player development," researchers at Harvard University published a study Monday that shows immediate skin-to-skin contact between NFL coaches and newly drafted players significantly improves adaptation to the professional level and long-term performance on the field. The first few hours after getting drafted are crucial-when a coach removes his [...]The post Study Shows Benefits Of Skin-To-Skin Contact Between New Players, Coaches appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#701WP)
DENTON, TX-In what is being hailed as a heroic intervention that provided critical support at a moment when her life was at stake, sources confirmed Tuesday that local 911 operator Justin Lyle had successfully walked panicked woman Jessica Brooks through the process of being murdered. During the emergency call, received at 12:07 a.m. after a [...]The post 911 Operator Walks Panicked Woman Through Being Murdered appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#701WN)
The pair married Friday, which instantly fixed every underlying problem in their relationship, including poor communication skills, undiagnosed mental health disorders, incompatible personalities, and infidelity.The post Shane Collins and Charlie Quentin appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#701WM)
The post Minor League Play-By-Play Announcer Just Sounds Like Normal Guy appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#701WK)
The post A's Fans Unable To Sustain The Wave Over Chasm Of 7,000 Empty Seats appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#70165)
ARLINGTON, TX-Panicking at the realization that their personal reputations had been directly tied to the team's dismal performance in recent years, several members of the New York Giants were reportedly horrified to learn before Sunday's game that their uniforms have their names on the back. Wait...so the millions of people watching on national television can [...]The post Giants Players Horrified To Learn Uniforms Have Names On Back appeared first on The Onion.
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