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by The Onion Staff on (#71CAW)
LONDON-In response to what his lawyers characterized as a reckless and defamatory misrepresentation" of the beloved '90s sitcom about a small-town vicar and her eccentric parishioners, President Donald Trump threatened to sue the British Broadcasting Corporation on Monday for an allegedly misleading edit ofThe Vicar Of Dibley. Given that the BBC has chosen to deliberately [...]The post Trump Threatens To Sue BBC Over Misleading Edit Of The Vicar Of Dibley' appeared first on The Onion.
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The Onion
| Link | https://theonion.com/ |
| Feed | https://www.theonion.com/rss |
| Updated | 2025-11-19 06:46 |
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by The Onion Staff on (#71CAX)
The post Kris Jenner Celebrates 70th Face appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#71C3C)
ARLINGTON, VA-In a finding that researchers confirmed could greatly assist in identifying potential bad actors, a study released Friday by the Department of Defense concluded that practicing kung fu naked in the mirror was the best indicator of being a domestic terrorist.Our research determined that performing precision Shaolin kung fu while nude before a living [...]The post Study: Practicing Kung Fu Naked In Mirror Best Indicator Of Being Domestic Terrorist appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#71C0T)
WASHINGTON-Amid a series of sudden actions overhauling landmark federal conservation regulations, the Environmental Protection Agency issued a public statement Friday warning monarch butterflies to count your fucking days." EPA officials confirmed plans to roll back dozens of environmental protections for the vulnerable insect population, vowing to introduce new standards for decimating monarch habitats and saying [...]The post EPA To Monarch Butterflies: Count Your Fucking Days' appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#71C0S)
CAIRO-Admitting he was unable to face a lengthy session of indexing artifacts after drinking too much the night before, hungover Egyptologist Henry Chapman confirmed Tuesday he was just gonna call in cursed this morning.Listen, I don't know what kind of hex was on that canopic jar I opened yesterday, but I've got a real doozy [...]The post Hungover Egyptologist Just Gonna Call In Cursed Today appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#71BFN)
FOXBOROUGH, MA-Admitting they may have overlooked some key physical metrics in the evaluation process, the New England Patriots front office told reporters Sunday the team was starting to regret drafting 130-pound linebacker Thurston Welles based exclusively on the strength of his cover letter. Looking back, we should've probably checked to make sure he'd played Division [...]The post Patriots Starting To Regret Drafting 130-Pound Linebacker Based Exclusively On Strength Of Cover Letter appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#71B0H)
Shopping for antiques can be a fun, sustainable, and stylish way to decorate your home. The Onion shares tips for antiquing. Save time by having a clear idea of what kind of old shit you're looking for. Arrive in a van or truck large enough to fit 30-plus paintings of pale children picking flowers. Double-check [...]The post Tips For Antiquing appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#71AHE)
WASHINGTON-As fewer air traffic controllers show up for work amid a government shutdown that has halted their pay, the Federal Aviation Administration issued a recommendation Friday advising commercial pilots to just go with their gut." You've done this plenty of times by now, so, you know, go ahead and feel free to trust your instincts [...]The post Understaffed FAA Recommends Pilots Just Go With Their Gut appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#71A9B)
CORVALLIS, OR-As he tried to avert his gaze from the stress-inducing pile of letters seeking money, local man Todd Fincher remarked Tuesday that the ransom notes on his coffee table were really beginning to pile up. I've been procrastinating on these for months because I just don't want to deal with them, and now I've [...]The post Ransom Notes Really Starting To Pile Up appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#71A9A)
LOS ANGELES-Preparing fans to jump back into the beloved world of Oz, Wicked: For Good director Jon M. Chu revealed this week that the upcoming movie would pick up right where the first branded tumbler left off. Wicked part two is a seamless continuation of the original Target-exclusive stainless steel tumbler with detachable straw," said [...]The post Wicked' Director Reveals Sequel Will Pick Up Right Where First Branded Tumbler Left Off appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#71A99)
CRAWFORD, TX-Lashing out at the overbearing former vice president seated motionless in a rocking chair by the attic window, a distraught George W. Bush shouted, Shut up, Mother! Shut up!" at the skeleton of Dick Cheney dressed in a suit, sources confirmed Friday. I'm not your little boy anymore, Mother, so why must you constantly [...]The post Shut Up, Mother! Shut Up!' Pleads George W. Bush To Dick Cheney Skeleton Dressed In Suit appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#71A98)
More than 71 million Americans are enrolled in Medicaid for healthcare. The Onion dispels common myths surrounding the program's new work requirements, which go into effect after next year's midterm elections. MYTH: Most people on Medicaid already work. FACT: Whatever. MYTH: An 80-hour-per-month work requirement is a lot. FACT: Eighty hours of work on Earth [...]The post Medicaid Work Requirements Myth Vs. Fact appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#71A97)
France announced that it will suspend Shein's online marketplace after listings of sex dolls with child-like features emerged, coming as the brand opens its first brick-and-mortar store in Paris. What do you think?The post France Suspends Shein Over Sex Dolls appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#71A96)
Hannah Pike, 27, died Monday after learning it was indeed that kind of cult.The post Hannah Pike appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#71A95)
It's Dad's weekend. Try to make him feel like you want to be there. Reference #19887The post Dad's House appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#719TN)
Tom Brady revealed that he and his family used non-invasive technology to create a clone of their beloved dog after the original pet passed away. What do you think?The post Tom Brady Clones Dog appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#719R2)
WASHINGTON-Reaffirming the Trump administration's promise to crack down on individuals providing supervision and instruction to youngsters across the United States, Homeland Security Secretary Kristi Noem stated at a press conference Thursday that daycare workers have walked freely in this country for far too long. Time and time again, we have allowed these people to watch [...]The post DHS: Daycare Workers Have Walked Freely in This Country For Far Too Long' appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#719J9)
Democratic socialist Zohran Mamdani made history Tuesday night when he was elected the first Muslim mayor of New York City. The Onion fact-checks the claims being made about Mamdani. Claim: Mamdani is a nepo baby. True: Mamdani is the eldest son of Bill de Blasio and Ed Koch. Claim: Mamdani will destroy New York City. [...]The post Fact-Checking Claims About Zohran Mamdani appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#719JA)
SACRAMENTO, CA-Passing the Democrat-backed initiative with a resounding 60% of the vote, Californians overwhelmingly approved a ballot measure this week to redraw the cartoon character Garfield. The people of California have spoken, and they want their funny pages to have an obese orange tabby cat who reflects the character design sensibilities our Founding Fathers stood [...]The post Californians Approve Measure To Redraw Garfield' appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#719CM)
Ever feel like you have a special connection" with an artist? Like if the two of you could only meet, you would be instant BFFs? This phenomenon is what experts call a parasocial relationship. On the surface, it might sound harmless, but the truth is that parasocial relationships have been shown to make people lonelier [...]The post I Bet Pedro Pascal Hates Parasocial Relationships appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#719CK)
BLOOMFIELD HILLS, MI-In what they described as a collaborative effort to share resources and information in defense of U.S. territory, Pentagon officials confirmed Monday that all six branches of the armed forces were present at the arrest of undocumented nanny Paola Soto.It was like the invasion of Normandy the way every American military division descended [...]The post All 6 Branches Of Armed Forces Present At Arrest Of Undocumented Nanny appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#719CJ)
The post Barry Bonds Reveals Asterisk Has Spread Throughout Body appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#719CH)
The happy couple held an elaborate reception for their closest loved ones and a handful of people they'll point to in photos years from now wondering who the fuck they even are.The post Carl Brooks and Evan Perth appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#718S4)
A Kentucky woman who was expecting a delivery of medicine instead mistakenly received a box containing severed human hands and fingers that were meant for surgical training use. What do you think?The post Woman Mistakenly Receives Box Of Human Hands, Fingers appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#718S5)
Last week, President Trump discussed the possibility of running for a third term in 2028, despite the 22nd Amendment's prohibition on being elected to the office more than twice. The Onion examines the pros and cons of a third Trump term. PRO Newly awakened coma patients will always know who the president isCheaper than putting [...]The post Pros And Cons Of A 3rd Trump Term appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#718S6)
PITTSBURGH-Noting that conversations with the veteran signal-caller had become more perplexing than ever, sources close to Aaron Rodgers confirmed Wednesday that the Pittsburgh Steelers quarterback was now clearly just taking his personal beliefs from various commercials he'd seen. Aaron's always been a pretty opinionated guy, but lately every time he expresses a viewpoint, I feel [...]The post Aaron Rodgers Clearly Now Just Taking Beliefs From Commercials He's Seen appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#718S7)
New Mexico will become the first U.S. state to offer free child care to all residents regardless of income, saving families up to about $12,000 per child each year. What do you think?The post New Mexico Becomes First State To Offer Free Child Care appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#718G6)
WASHINGTON-In an attempt to stop U.S. markets from being flooded with foreign-made campaign merchandise and other licensed items promoting his brand, President Donald Trump signed an executive order Friday imposing an additional 25% tariff on authorized Trump products made in China. According to the White House, the new tariff makes good on the president's long-running [...]The post Trump Imposes 25% Tariff On Chinese-Made Trump Products appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#718G5)
BROOKLINE, MA-Noting that the car swerved erratically every time the gig worker switched between his GPS navigation app and James Cameron's 1997 film, local man Vick Shah told reporters Monday his Uber driver seemed to be watching Titanic for the first time.I'm not totally sure, but I think that guy was halfway through Titanic when [...]The post Uber Driver Seemingly Watching Titanic' For First Time appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#718G4)
This five-year-old listing of your new acquaintance's house should immediately confirm any suspicions. Reference #66873The post Oh, So They Have MONEY-Money appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#718G3)
Bob Qualley, 72, learned the hard way the dangers of juggling snakes.The post Bob Qualley appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#7185T)
The post Cuomo Announces Plan To Govern New York City As Independent appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#717JA)
LONDON-Shivering and rubbing his hands together as he attempted to stay warm, a ragged, soot-covered former Prince Andrew was spotted Tuesday on a street in the Whitechapel district of London begging for a child to molest. Please, sir, may I have a girl? A small one? Surely you have some to spare," said the disgraced [...]The post Soot-Covered Prince Andrew Begging On Street For Child To Molest appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#717J9)
LEAWOOD, KS-Her eyes widening at the sight of the piece of paper moving inch by inch out of the machine, an alarmed Taylor Swift reportedly looked on Tuesday as her fiance, Travis Kelce, printed out the Buffalo Wild Wings catering menu. Babe, what's that?" said the 35-year-old billionaire recording artist, taking a step closer to [...]The post Alarmed Taylor Swift Watches As Travis Kelce Prints Out Buffalo Wild Wings Catering Menu appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#717J8)
ATLANTA-As the agency struggles to manage a measles caseload that has erupted to its largest size in decades, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention stated Monday that at this point, it would probably make more sense to start tracking people without the disease. Citing recent data that showed U.S. vaccination rates had dropped below [...]The post CDC Figures It Easier To Start Tracking People Without Measles appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#717J7)
WASHINGTON-Expressing horror as an unidentified slimy substance dripped on her shoulder from above, White House maid Carla Ovares reportedly shrieked Tuesday after spotting first lady Melania Trump on the ceiling of the Executive Residence.What on earth is that clicking sound? Oh my God, ahhhhhh!" Ovares screamed in terror, dropping a vase she had been dusting [...]The post White HouseMaid Shrieks After SpottingMelaniaOn Ceiling appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#717J6)
The post Grandma Recalls Wild Teenage Year Before She Met Grandpa appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#717J5)
Opposites attract, and that's never been more true than in the whirlwind romance of Lundell, a UX guru, and Francis, whose background is more B2C performance marketing.The post Regina Lundell and Mark Francis appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#717J4)
The post Self-Conscious Sumo Wrestler Wears White T-Shirt Into Ring appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#7173W)
A new study found that about one in five urinary tract infections can be traced to E. coli-contaminated meat. What do you think?The post Study: 20% Of Urinary Tract Infections Caused By Contaminated Meat appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#71724)
The post Mike Johnson: My Christian Faith Is More About Not Jacking Off Than Feeding The Poor' appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#71725)
CHICAGO-His heart racing with terror as he found himself completely surrounded, an Immigration and Customs Enforcement agent conducting a raid on a Chicago elementary school reportedly fell into panic Monday when he realized there were more children on the playground than he could subdue with flash-bang grenades. Oh God, send for backup-there's, like, 30 under [...]The post ICE Agent Panics After Realizing There More Children Than He Has Flash-Bangs appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#71703)
The post Twirling Britney Spears Unaware Phone Died Hours Ago appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#71704)
Eighty-year-old Betty Kellenberger, without realizing it, became the oldest person to complete the Appalachian Trail, pushing through injuries and weather challenges to finish the full 2,197-mile hike. What do you think?The post 80-Year-Old Becomes Oldest Woman To Hike Appalachian Trail appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#716TY)
The post Over the River Into the 'Hood appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#716V4)
NEW YORK-Following a series of illicit betting scandals that have sent shock waves through the league, the National Basketball Association issued a statement Monday reaffirming its commitment to gamblers only ruining their lives in ways that are completely legal. When it comes to gambling, the NBA wants to ensure basketball fans are only blowing up [...]The post NBA Reaffirms Commitment To Gamblers Only Ruining Their Lives Legally appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#716V3)
WASHINGTON-With deep unease and outright horror haunting millions of Americans as a great shroud enveloped the land, late-breaking reports confirmed Monday that the darkness had returned. Bystanders first spotted the churning, amorphous black fog at 2:37 p.m., when it arose from the shadows and crept toward small towns and cornfields in the Midwest. From there, [...]The post Breaking: The Darkness Returns appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#716V2)
LOS ANGELES-Anticipating the project could be the biggest horror hit of the decade, film studios were reportedly locked in a bidding war Friday over a napkin Stephen King had written the word Ghoul" on.It only took him two weeks to write, but it's incredible-it's an entire fleshed-out world," said an insider source, who confirmed that [...]The post Studios Enter Bidding War Over Napkin Stephen King Wrote Ghoul' On appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#716V1)
LONG BEACH, CA-Wiping sweat from his brow as he clenched a scalpel in his mouth, a man reportedly hot-wired a vasectomy Friday while his accomplice served as lookout.I've got to get in and get out without anyone noticing," said the unidentified man, whose hands shook as he fumbled with the vas deferens, causing sparks to [...]The post Vasectomy Hot-Wired appeared first on The Onion.
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