The Onion

PHILADELPHIA-In an effort to earn extra income after Congress rescinded $1.1 billion in funds from the Corporation for Public Broadcasting, Fresh Air host Terry Gross reportedly conducted an interview Thursday via Bluetooth during an Uber shift.And what can you tell us about how bull riding has changed since-oh shit, that was my exit. Yep, that [...]The post Terry Gross Conducts Fresh Air' Interview On Bluetooth During Uber Shift appeared first on The Onion.

HIRAIZUMI- CH, NISHIIWAI, IWATE, JAPAN- Struggling to decide whether one on fall or spring would rock their shit more, Zen monk Ken Ito strained for a haiku to knock them on their asses. I could mess them up with that Bash one about the full moon's splendor," the Buddhist monk said Wednesday, seeing a tour [...]The post Japanese Monk Racks<br/>Brain For Haiku That Will Knock<br/>Them On Their Asses appeared first on The Onion.

The post Unfairport appeared first on The Onion.

LOS GATOS, CA-In an attempt to fend off growing competition from Paramount and Netflix, Plex CEO Keith Valory announced Monday that the streaming platform had submitted a $35 bid for Warner Bros. Discovery. We believe the Harry Potter and DC universes will prove excellent additions to our slate of free-to-stream titles including Petticoat Junction and [...]The post Plex Submits $35 Bid For Warner Bros. appeared first on The Onion.

President Trump continues to make misleading statements about affordability despite the Consumer Price Index indicating an increase in costs for many goods and services. The Onion assesses the veracity of the president's claims. Claim: The cost of living is low. True: The cost of living is much lower than what it will be in a [...]The post Fact-Checking Trump On Affordability appeared first on The Onion.

THE ARCTIC CIRCLE-With a vow to destroy the abomination she had created if it was the last thing she ever did, television host Oprah Winfrey has spent weeks on a ship pursuing Dr. Phil through the Arctic, sources reported Tuesday. Sailors aboard the vessel confirmed that while Winfrey appeared ill and exhausted from continuous exposure [...]The post Oprah Pursues Dr. Phil On Ship Through Arctic appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-During a confrontation in which it was firmly reiterated that the front entrance was for approved personnel only, Vice President JD Vance was once again reminded by White House security to use the service door, sources confirmed Tuesday. Whoa, whoa, whoa, stop right there. You know the rule. You'll need to use the service entrance [...]The post JD Vance Reminded To Use White House Service Entrance appeared first on The Onion.

This 3-by-4-inch plastic dish is a perfect place for you to sleep and live if you are a block of hand soap. If you are not a block of hand soap, this would likely not be a good place for you, unfortunately. Contact now! Reference #57675The post Great Home For Hand Soap appeared first on The Onion.

LOS ANGELES-In a shockingly personal attack on the actor's arches, filmmaker Quentin Tarantino made comments Friday slamming Paul Dano as the worst actor on Wikifeet. Paul Dano's got the weakest soles on Wikifeet," Tarantino said during a podcast appearance, calling Dano's feet nasty, gnarled stompers" compared to a peer like Austin Butler's gorgeous, five-star tootsies." [...]The post Quentin Tarantino Slams Paul Dano As Worst Actor On Wikifeet appeared first on The Onion.

ARLINGTON, VA-Describing the incident as a split-second operational judgment made under rapidly evolving conditions, Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth invoked the fog of war" Thursday to explain why he urinated inside a Pentagon break room refrigerator. In the heat of the moment, you've got to make a decision, and sometimes that decision is imperfect," said Hegseth, [...]The post Pete Hegseth Invokes Fog Of War' After Pissing In Break Room Refrigerator appeared first on The Onion.

NEW YORK-Confirming his new film fell somewhere between fact and fiction, director Josh Safdie explained to reporters Friday that Marty Supreme was a slight dramatization of LeBron James' life. I wouldn't call it a biopic, exactly, but yes, Marty Supreme is about King James," said the filmmaker, who sought to dispel any confusion surrounding the [...]The post Marty Supreme' Director Explains Film Slight Dramatization Of Real-Life LeBron James appeared first on The Onion.

In the world of business, integrity is everything. There has to be a baseline level of trust, or the entire system collapses. That's why I make honesty a top priority in my professional life, even in situations where bending the truth a little would be to my personal benefit. For example, I would never misrepresent [...]The post I'd Sooner Let My Family Starve Than Exaggerate My Marketing Experience On My Resume appeared first on The Onion.

Tensions between the United States and Venezuela are escalating, with President Trump stating that land strikes on drug traffickers could come very soon." The Onion examines the pros and cons of entering a war against Venezuela. PRO Caracas" fun to say Raises total number of countries Americans can name to respectable nine Would be nice [...]The post Pros And Cons Of War With Venezuela appeared first on The Onion.

VATICAN CITY-In a milestone many Roman Catholics hope will bring the church into the 21st century, Vatican officials issued a statement Tuesday formally recognizing Generation Z's first demon.For his innovative use of digital communications to torment and possess the Christian faithful, Melapheus, better known by his online handle DiabolusMel, is hereby accorded full demonhood," Pope [...]The post Vatican Formally Recognizes FirstGen Z Demon appeared first on The Onion.

The bride and groom want to call what happened on Saturday a wedding, but it wasn't even in a church-and they both wore tennis shoes!The post Reyna Cobb and Luke Butler appeared first on The Onion.

The post Kristi Noem Places Pushpin In Bespoke Map Of Every Place She's Deported Someone To appeared first on The Onion.

The post Hakeem Jeffries Calls For Execution Of Central Park Five appeared first on The Onion.

Heated Rivalry, a new Canadian romance series, has exploded in popularity since it premiered on HBO Max last week. Here is everything you need to know about the show. Q: What is the plot? A: Two men have a steamy sexual affair despite not being vampires or elf nobility or anything. Q: Where does it [...]The post What To Know About Heated Rivalry' appeared first on The Onion.

INDIANAPOLIS-Suggesting there were some deals even cancer researchers couldn't say no to, a new study published Thursday by the American Society of Preventative Oncology found that processed meats were carcinogenic but were also on sale. Our evidence indicates that while common deli items like salami, bacon, and corned beef have strong links to cancer, they [...]The post Study Finds Processed Meats Carcinogenic But They Were On Sale appeared first on The Onion.

COLUMBIA, MO-In a display of enthusiasm that revealed a deep familiarity with the subject, local man Luke Price was said to be totally nerding out Thursday about the idea of white supremacy. According to sources, the 26-year-old sales associate and self-described Ubermensch rattled off a dozen esoteric theories of racial hierarchy and eagerly asserted the [...]The post Man Totally Nerding Out About Superiority Of White Race appeared first on The Onion.

SALT LAKE CITY-With top lawmakers championing the measure as a restoration of Christian values currently under attack in mainstream America, the Utah State Legislature passed a bill Monday that bans all eye contact during sex.Looking directly into another person's eyes while being physically intimate is a sick and unholy act," said Utah Gov. Spencer Cox, [...]The post Utah Bans Eye Contact During Sex appeared first on The Onion.

Mike Gomez, 50, died Friday after learning that even a saltwater crocodile can be pushed too far.The post Mike Gomez appeared first on The Onion.

The post WHO: Nothing Tastes As Good As Skinny Feels' appeared first on The Onion.

The post Trump Appears To Doze During Stroke appeared first on The Onion.

SPOKANE, WA-Lamenting that she still hadn't found the bug-eyed man-child of her dreams, area bachelorette Louise Perkins confirmed Tuesday that she was growing tired of constantly looking for Mr. Bean. It seems like all my friends are settling down with buffoonish, mishap-prone men, but no matter how many dates I go on, I just can't [...]The post Single Woman Tired Of Looking For Mr. Bean appeared first on The Onion.

SILVER SPRING, MD-Praising the drug's ability to quickly and effectively increase fatalities amongst the nation's opioid users, the U.S. Food and Drug Administration approved a new nasal spray Wednesday capable of reversing the effects of Narcan. The compound, called noroxone, was reportedly approved by the FDA as part of a broader effort to combat a [...]The post FDA Approves New Drug That ReversesEffectsOf Narcan appeared first on The Onion.

You used to dream of couch-surfing across the world, untethered and unbothered, and now here you are, seriously considering an HOA townhouse. Reference #17806The post Look Who You've Become appeared first on The Onion.

After years of planning their wedding, the pair were united in marriage within an hour of the bride being legally able to consent.The post Elisa Geoffries and Daniel Walter appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Touting his latest executive order as a historic win for the U.S. economy, President Donald Trump announced Friday that he was mandating a 5,000% increase in all numbers nationwide. Effective immediately, 100 will now be 5,100 and-I'm reading off the official statistics from my people-500 will be 25,500," said Trump, speaking from the Oval Office [...]The post Trump Announces 5,000%Increase In All Numbers appeared first on The Onion.

The post Crying Sounds Coming From Inside Suit Of Armor appeared first on The Onion.

Rosalia's fourth studio album, Lux, has been met with critical acclaim, cracking the Billboard top 10 for the first time in the Spanish pop star's career. The Onion shares everything you need to know about the artist. Genre: Musica Musical Influences: Traditional Spanish TikToks Who She's Beefing With: B-flat Frequent Collaborator: King Ferdinand V Controversies: [...]The post Artist Profile: Rosalia appeared first on The Onion.

HILLIARD, OH-Reluctantly admitting to the table that she might have been too quick to judge, local mother Janet Greenbaum told family members Thursday that she was actually quite impressed by the manners of their tattooed restaurant server.When she first came over to give us our menus, I thought she was in some kind of biker [...]The post Mom Impressed By Tattooed Person's Manners appeared first on The Onion.

CHICAGO-In a move making her the latest performer to join the distraction-free trend, New Zealand singer-songwriter Lorde confirmed Friday that she was now requiring all concertgoers to stash their boyfriends in locked pouches during her shows.I understand wanting to share the experience, but I think a live performance is more special when everyone puts their [...]The post Lorde Requiring All Concertgoers To Stash Boyfriends InLocked Pouch appeared first on The Onion.

Francine Holmes, 73, passed away Wednesday after three hours of successful surgery followed by four hours of unsuccessful surgery.The post Francine Holmes appeared first on The Onion.

The post Pete Hegseth Wakes Up At 3 P.M. With Dozen Missed Calls From The Hague appeared first on The Onion.

The post Man Proudly Saves $8 On Pubic Hair Trimmer appeared first on The Onion.

The post Cory Booker Delivers Historic 25-Hour Wedding Vows appeared first on The Onion.

The post Heaven Can't Wait appeared first on The Onion.

The post Cold As ICE appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-In an effort to expand recruitment for President Donald Trump's immigration crackdown, the Department of Homeland Security announced Tuesday that it would waive the species requirements for new Immigration and Customs Enforcement agents. At a press conference, Home-land Security Secretary Kristi Noem said eligibility requirements that previously limited ICE applicants to the species Homo sapiens [...]The post Homeland Security Relaxes Species Requirements To Join ICE appeared first on The Onion.

SAN ANTONIO-With the GOP's redrawn congressional maps taking effect across Texas, a local family reported Friday that the earth rumbled and dishes crashed to the floor as gerrymandering ripped through the kitchen of their home. At approximately 6:52 p.m., Dan and Jody Marshall noticed ripples forming in their water glasses, which were resting on a [...]The post Earth Rumbles, Dishes Crash To Floor As Gerrymandering Rips Through House appeared first on The Onion.

The post Nature Begins Reclaiming Chuck Grassley appeared first on The Onion.

This two-bedroom ranch-style house will gradually become more livable as the ghost finds his rhythm. Reference #37290The post Haunted By Teenager Learning To Play Drums appeared first on The Onion.

Once Thanksgiving dinner is over, many Americans find their refrigerators packed with several days' worth of leftover food that often goes to waste. The Onion shares tips for repurposing your holiday leftovers. Hang onto them for Christmas stocking stuffers. Provide any uneaten turkey to PETA for resuscitation. By whisking a couple of eggs into your [...]The post Tips For Repurposing Thanksgiving Leftovers appeared first on The Onion.