The Onion

SACRAMENTO, CA-Following an extended series of failed attempts, Friday night's matchup between the New Orleans Pelicans and the Sacramento Kings reportedly ended with neither team's players proving able to recover a tipoff. According to sources in attendance, both the 25-52 Pelicans and the 20-57 Kings failed to gain possession of the opening jump ball and [...]The post Pelicans-Kings Game Ends After Neither Team Able To Recover Tipoff appeared first on The Onion.

BURBANK, CA-In an effort to determine whether they needed to cease production immediately or if the film's title simply sounded familiar,MarvelStudios reportedly called an emergency meeting Friday after concerns were raised that they had already made one calledAvengers: Doomsday. All right, gentlemen, quickly-name as manyAvengersfilms as you can," said company president Kevin Feige, who sat [...]The post MarvelCalls Emergency Meeting To Determine If They Already Made One Called Avengers: Doomsday' appeared first on The Onion.

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Zara Larsson, the pop star known for Lush Life" and Stateside," is currently on her 2026 Midnight Sun Tour. The Onion shares everything you need to know about the artist. Birth Name: Zara Larsson feat. David Guetta Birthplace: Town Where Everybody Happy All The Time, Sweden Parents: Lisa Frank (mother), all four members of ABBA [...]The post Artist Profile: Zara Larsson appeared first on The Onion.

DENVER-Growing increasingly frantic as the mobs of exuberant preteens flooded from their bunks into the state of Colorado beyond, local Christian camp director Alan Mullins reportedly panicked Friday after noticing his conversion therapy device had been set to reverse. Dear Lord, they're just getting more and more theatrical-why isn't this lever budging?" said a visibly [...]The post Colorado Overrun With Flamboyant Children After Camp Director Notices Conversion Therapy Device Set To Reverse appeared first on The Onion.

President Donald Trump signed an executive order aiming to create federal lists of citizens which the U.S. Postal Service would use to ensure mail ballots are sent to only those people, with the effort to exert control over American elections sure to be quickly challenged in court. What do you think?The post Trump Signs Executive Order To Create Federal Voting List appeared first on The Onion.

LOS ANGELES-Admitting that the team's ballooning salary expenditures had rapidly gotten away from him, panicked Los Angeles Dodgers owner Mark Walter told reporters Thursday that he had absolutely no idea how he was going to come up with the funds needed to cover this year's $414 million payroll. What the hell, $414 million? I'm totally [...]The post Panicked Dodgers Owner Has No Idea How He's Going To Come Up With $414 Million Payroll appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-In an effort to clamp down on what it claimed was fraudulent use of federal food benefits, the U.S. Department of Agriculture announced Thursday that applicants to the Supplemental Nutrition Assistance Program would now need to demonstrate that they spend at least 80 hours per month in a hypoglycemic coma. These requirements ensure the SNAP [...]The post SNAP Now Requiring Recipients To Spend 80 Hours A Month In Hypoglycemic Coma appeared first on The Onion.

The Super Mario Galaxy Movie is now in theaters. The Onion shares everything you need to know about the film. Q: Does Mario say his famous catchphrase? A: Yes, many times throughout the movie Mario exclaims, Any dinosaur who likes Mama's Bolognese sauce is okay by me!" Q: What is the film about? A: The [...]The post What To Know About The Super Mario Galaxy Movie' appeared first on The Onion.

AUSTIN, TX-Reporting that he plans to shower at the gym due to the bathtub being left absolutely disgusting," local man Michael DiCanio expressed annoyance Thursday that his wife had inconsiderately left the apartment's only bathroom a total mess after giving birth to their first child. Jesus Christ, there's afterbirth everywhere! I never had this problem [...]The post Inconsiderate Wife Leaves Bathroom A Total Mess After Home Birth appeared first on The Onion.

LOS ANGELES-Admitting that there were some significant upsides to the deal despite the concerns it had raised, analysts at the National Research Group reported Thursday that the upcoming Paramount-Warner Bros. merger offered consumers the best shot at seeing aSex And The Cityreboot starring the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Fans have long clamored to find out [...]The post Analysts Say Paramount-Warner Bros. Merger Offers Best Shot At Sex And The City' Reboot Starring Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles appeared first on The Onion.

TOLEDO, OH-Visibly distraught as he learned of the widespread betrayal, local mail carrier Ned Mungo expressed dismay Thursday upon realizing that the residents on his route have been receiving electronic mail for years without his knowing. Day in and day out, I've been coming to these doorsteps to deliver their beloved letters and catalogues, only [...]The post Mail Carrier Hurt To Learn Residents On His Route Have Been Receiving Electronic Mail appeared first on The Onion.

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BURBANK, CA-Citing nearly a billion dollars of pent-up consumer demand for entertainment featuring an infant version of an already beloved character, a new report released Wednesday by Gower Street Analytics concluded that Disney's decision not to call its upcomingStar WarsfilmThe Baby Yoda Moviewould cost the studio roughly $900 million. By naming the filmThe Mandalorian And [...]The post Report: Decision Not To Call Film The Baby Yoda Movie' To Cost Disney $900 Million appeared first on The Onion.

ANN ARBOR, MI-Presenting data that quantified a fact already widely accepted as true, scientists at the University of Michigan released a study Wednesday proving that 97% of all sounds were infuriating. A meta-analysis of research across the entire field of acoustics confirms that nearly every noise produced, whether artificial or natural, is completely enraging," said [...]The post Study: 97% Of All Sounds Infuriating appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Gleefully strapping the protective garment under their chins and clapping, the U.S. populace announced this week that they like it when their bib has a picture of the food they're eating. Yay, our plate has lobster, and the bib has lobster right on the front, and now we won't mess up our shirt," said 61-year-old [...]The post Nation Likes When Bib Has Picture Of Food They Eating appeared first on The Onion.

LOS ANGELES-Insisting that such queer stories were too often excluded from period dramas, Bridgerton showrunner Jess Brownell confirmed Wednesday that the show's next season would feature two women falling in love, breaking up, and then forming a punk band. Queer people have always existed, but until recently we didn't highlight their stories on screen in [...]The post New Season Of Bridgerton' To Feature 2 Women Falling In Love, Breaking Up, Forming Punk Band appeared first on The Onion.

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A family looking for seashells in California discovered the partial remains of what has now been identified as a former banker who went missing in 1999, notifying authorities when they came across a long bone that contained surgical hardware. What do you think?The post Family Looking For Seashells Finds Remains Of Missing Man appeared first on The Onion.

Last week, Disney+ reunited the stars of Hannah Montana for the first time since the series premiered two decades ago. Here are the biggest and most shocking revelations from the Hannah Montana 20th Anniversary Special. Billy Ray Cyrus was paid in pull tabs. Disney originally planned to make a Hannah" for all 50 states. Miley [...]The post Biggest Revelations From The Hannah Montana' Reunion appeared first on The Onion.

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LONDON-Pinching the bridge of his nose and releasing a long weary sigh after he opened a letter summoning him to BBC headquarters, British man Arthur Batts confirmed this week that he was desperately trying to get out of panel show duty. For God's sake, it seems like I was just on 8 Out Of 10 [...]The post British Man Desperately Trying To Get Out Of Panel Show Duty appeared first on The Onion.

ST. LOUIS-Touting the vehicle service as his secret to successfully slimming down and completely transforming his body, new Enterprise spokesman Ryan Moore told reporters Monday he had lost 250 pounds by renting cars. I used to be grossly overweight, I tried everything, and nothing worked until I started going to Enterprise every day on my [...]The post New Enterprise Spokesman Claims He Lost 250 Pounds By Renting Cars appeared first on The Onion.

CLEVELAND-Saying the costs had begun to outweigh the benefits, administrators at the Cleveland Clinic confirmed Tuesday that they had decided to discontinue their use of a cancer-sniffing leopard in clinical settings. Our ability to rapidly and accurately identify the disease has improved remarkably since we began using our detection leopard Fang in cancer screenings, but [...]The post Hospital Decides Cancer-Sniffing Leopard More Trouble Than It's Worth appeared first on The Onion.

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JUPITER ISLAND, FL-Dazed and battered as it dragged itself to safety, the liver belonging to Tiger Woods was photographed crawling out of the legendary golfer's body Friday following a severe car crash. Moments after Woods clipped the back of a trailer and rolled his Land Rover, the reddish-brown organ reportedly emerged from the abdomen of [...]The post Tiger Woods' Liver Photographed Crawling Out Of Golfer After Crash appeared first on The Onion.

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WASHINGTON-As he struggled to remember how his remarks on sending more troops to the Middle East had digressed into a tangent on the blockbuster movie franchise, President Donald Trump reportedly became unsure Monday how his rambling speech on Iran had veered off into a ranking of the Pirates Of The Caribbean films. The first one [...]The post Even Trump Unsure How Rambling Speech On Iran Veered Off Into Ranking The Pirates Of The Caribbean' Films appeared first on The Onion.

JERUSALEM-In an effort to soften the blow for a human race eagerly awaiting His glorious arrival, Jesus Christ, the Son of God, clarified Monday that His return would be strictly limited to His carpentry business. While I will soon appear once more upon the earthly realm, My sole focus during this Second Coming will be [...]The post Jesus Clarifies Return Will Be Strictly Limited To Carpentry Business appeared first on The Onion.

BOSTON-In startling new research connecting gaming habits with verbal behavior, a Boston College study published Monday found that young children who played violent video games were significantly more likely to say That's Goro" when shown a picture of Goro. While their peers who did not play violent video games failed to identify Goro when presented [...]The post Study: Children Who Play Violent Video Games More Likely To Say That's Goro' When Shown Picture Of Goro appeared first on The Onion.

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WASHINGTON-Saying the expansive response was entirely justified based on the dire state of her physical appearance, outgoing Homeland Security Secretary Kristi Noem defended the use of force on her own face Thursday. During a press conference, the 54-year-old soon-to-be former Cabinet member spoke proudly of her role in what she described as the greatest facial [...]The post Kristi Noem Defends Use Of Force On Own Face appeared first on The Onion.

The International Olympic Committee banned transgender women from female events at the upcoming 2028 Los Angeles Olympics and future games, with the IOC also confirming that all athletes wanting to compete in the female category will have to undergo a one-off screening to detect their biological sex. What do you think?The post Olympics Bans Trans Athletes From Women's Events appeared first on The Onion.

NASA will repurpose components from a scrapped space station to construct a $20 billion base on the moon's surface over the next seven years, opting to focus on infrastructure that supports sustained operations on the lunar surface. What do you think?The post NASA To Build $20 Billion Moon Base appeared first on The Onion.

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ITASCA, IL-In what researchers are hailing as an incredible breakthrough in the understanding of early childhood development, a study published Friday by the American Academy of Pediatrics concluded that most infants can respond to the rustling of a potato chip bag three weeks after they are born. Our trials have demonstrated that newborns will startle [...]The post Study: Infants Respond To Rustling Of Potato Chip Bag As Early As 3 Weeks appeared first on The Onion.

JERUSALEM-Historians confirmed Friday that a recent archaeological find in the Judean Hills is an authentic early Christian scroll, one that depicts the previously unknown miracle of Jesus Christ correctly guessing people's weights just by looking at them. The papyrus is remarkably well-preserved, with an unbroken Aramaic script that describes Christ strolling through Galilee with a [...]The post Ancient Scroll Reveals Lost Miracle Of Christ Correctly Guessing People's Weights appeared first on The Onion.

EAST HAMPTON, NY-In an effort to maintain a safe and respectful environment on set, Food Network host Ina Garten reportedly brought in an intimacy coordinator Friday to supervise a shot with a fresh lemon tart. Where should I put my hands?" said the 78-year-old Garten, who emphasized the importance of keeping everything professional with carefully [...]The post Ina Garten Brings In Intimacy Coordinator For Shot With Fresh Lemon Tart appeared first on The Onion.

Immigration and Customs Enforcement agents have been deployed to 14 airports across the country amid record-high TSA wait times. Here are all the ways ICE officers are assisting the Transportation Security Administration. Overseeing the removal of shoes, belts, and abuelas Scanning passports with shredders Confiscating, then brandishing dangerous items Translating TSA's irritated mumbles into threatening [...]The post How ICE Is Assisting TSA appeared first on The Onion.

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