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by The Onion Staff on (#6RVJ8)
Actor Timothee Chalamet made a surprise appearance at his own lookalike contest in Lower Manhattan, an event that drew hundreds of contestants, though Chalamet himself did not participate. What do you think?The post Timothee Chalamet Crashes Own Lookalike Contest appeared first on The Onion.
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The Onion
| Link | https://theonion.com/ |
| Feed | https://www.theonion.com/rss |
| Updated | 2024-11-21 15:31 |
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by The Onion Staff on (#6RV45)
Comedian Tony Hinchcliffe compared Puerto Rico to a floating island of garbage" at former President Trump's Madison Square Garden rally, drawing backlash from the Harris campaign, Puerto Rican celebrities, and some Republicans. What do you think?The post Comedian At Trump Rally Calls Puerto Rico Floating Island Of Garbage' appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6RTQC)
POCATELLO, ID-Shedding new light on an unfolding situation that allegedly left Mom very upset, a new report issued Tuesday through Dad's gritted teeth indicated that you needed to come back here right this instant and apologize to your mother. Give your mother a hug right now and tell her you're sorry," the report stated in [...]The post Report: Get Back Here And Apologize To Your Mother appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6RTQB)
Authentic countryside silo pre-furnished with 550 tons of dried corn. Priced to sell, as the previous owner died of asphyxiation. Reference #829583The post Bucolic Silo appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6RT3K)
The White House issued a new executive order aiming to deter migrants by stationing hundreds of socially awkward men at the southern border. Immigration officials believe the men's off-putting demeanor and strained attempts at conversation could curb illegal border crossings by 30%.The post U.S. Deploys Socially Awkward Men Along Border To Deter Migrants appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6RT3M)
Georgia father Colin Gray is facing 29 charges for his role in the mass shooting carried out by his son, which follows Michigan's dual conviction of parents James and Jennifer Crumbley earlier this year. The Onion examines the pros and cons of prosecuting the parents of school shooters. PRO: Holds parents accountable for raising children [...]The post Pros And Cons Of Prosecuting School Shooters' Parents appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6RSWT)
WASHINGTON-In an update that will require those sitting for the exam to demonstrate the full range of skills necessary to take part in American civic life, government officials announced Monday that a newly revised citizenship test asks immigrants to name every U.S. state where they're not welcome. We want to ensure our newest citizens know [...]The post Revised Citizenship Test Requires Immigrants To Name Every U.S. State Where They Not Welcome appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6RSWV)
LOS ANGELES-Calling the findings of its comprehensive survey of American workplace practices total bullshit," the Institute for Research on Labor and Employment issued a report Monday concluding that you should be able to retire after, like, six years of working full time. We evaluated the data around current U.S. employment rates, and our research shows [...]The post Report Finds You Should Get To Retire After, Like, 6 Years Working Full-Time Job appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6RSWW)
A funeral home in Poland apologized after a corpse that it was transporting fell out of a hearse and into traffic, issuing a statement taking responsibility for the incident and blaming a technical failure of the hearse. What do you think?The post Funeral Home Apologizes After Corpse Falls Out Of Hearse Into Traffic appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6RRCM)
Former President Trump has on multiple occasions praised Adolf Hitler according to John Kelly, his longest-serving White House chief of staff who, in a series of audio interviews, claimed Trump met the definition of a fascist and raised concerns that he would rule like a dictator if elected next month. What do you think?The post Trump Praises Hitler appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6RR6W)
Harvey Weinstein, the disgraced Hollywood mogul whose alleged sexual misconduct fueled the #MeToo movement, was diagnosed with chronic myeloid leukemia and will undergo treatment in prison at Rikers Island in New York. What do you think?The post Harvey Weinstein Diagnosed With Cancer appeared first on The Onion.
by The Onion Staff on (#6RR6X)
Studies have linked chronic loneliness with a variety of harmful health conditions, from cardiovascular disease to anxiety. The Onion takes a look at the key statistics behind what the surgeon general has described as a loneliness epidemic. 83 Million: Dogs purchased to try and fix this 741,000: Number of Americans who listed their profession on [...]The post America's Loneliness Epidemic By The Numbers appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6RR6Y)
TRAVERSE CITY, MI-In an effort to reach out to swing voters crucial to his reelection bid, former President Donald Trump reportedly attempted to soften his image Friday by distributing airbrushed JCPenney beauty shots of himself at a campaign rally. Here you go, these are nice glossies of the president we took at the JCPenney Portrait [...]The post Trump Attempts To Soften Image With New Airbrushed JCPenney Beauty Shots appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6RR6Z)
The post Mr. Met's Head Washes Up On Banks Of East River appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6RR3R)
FAIRFAX, VA-Shaking his head as he rushed past yet another indecisive group laughing together at an obvious dead end, area man Justin Carter reflected Friday on how going with friends would have just slowed him down on his way through a Halloween-themed corn maze. How do they expect to make it out of this thing [...]The post Going With Friends Would Have Just Slowed Man Down On Way Through Haunted Maze appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6RQHV)
Former Abercrombie & Fitch CEO Mike Jeffries, his romantic partner, and a third man were arrested on charges of luring men into drug-laced, outlandish, and coercive sex parties by dangling the promise of modeling for the retailer's once-defining bare-chested ads. What do you think?The post Former Abercrombie & Fitch CEO Arrested On Sex Trafficking Charges appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6RQHW)
CINCINNATI-Moments after he frantically nailed two-by-fours across the closed door of the bedroom he shares with his wife, vice presidential candidate JD Vance issued a dire warning Wednesday, alerting the public that millions of women may vote under the influence of menstrual madness. If they are permitted to cast ballots, then we risk allowing the [...]The post JD Vance Warns Millions Of Women May Vote Under Influence Of Menstrual Madness appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6RQEC)
The post Conservative Man Proudly Frightened Of Everything appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6RQAQ)
The post The Handmaid's Pigtail appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6RQ71)
Elon Musk, one of the Trump campaign' most powerful donors, recently announced he will give away $1 million daily to swing state voters who sign his PAC's petition. Here are all of the other ways the billionaire is working to get Trump elected. Arming Secret Service with katanas: The woke mind virus is no match [...]The post All The Ways Elon Musk Is Supporting Trump's Campaign appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6RQ72)
SPOKANE, WA-Stressing that the best move would be to just shave the whole thing off, sources confirmed Thursday that area man Stephen Blanchet's shitty beard had barely any frolicsome woodland creatures living in it. You can tell Stephen's proud of his so-called beard, but there are hardly any chickadees popping out to chirp a happy [...]The post Shitty Beard Barely Has Any Frolicsome Woodland Creatures Living In It appeared first on The Onion.
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by Nick Mehendale on (#6RQ73)
BALTIMORE-In what astronomers called an alarming yet compelling observation, NASA officials announced Thursday the discovery of potential life on Mars after a giant eyeball in the middle of the planet looked directly into the James Webb Space Telescope. We are excited to share telescopic evidence of a colossal, audibly blinking eyeball on the surface of [...]The post NASA Discovers Potential Life On Mars After Giant Eyeball In Middle Of Planet Looks Directly Into Telescope appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6RQ4A)
Bruce Cooke, 48, died at the aquarium Thursday after his WaveRunner collided with the wall of the dolphin tank.The post Bruce Cooke appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6RQ4B)
The couple met at a bar in Austin, where Emily was the fourth woman Rafael approached that night.The post Emily Appleton and Rafael Garcia appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6RP9M)
CHICAGO-Realizing there comes a time when everyone crashes into a window, local man Danny Nagler told reporters Wednesday that a dead bird on the sidewalk had led him to contemplate his own inevitable collision with plate glass. Seeing this bird's lifeless body lying here on the pavement, I can't help but be reminded that someday [...]The post Dead Bird On Sidewalk Leads Man To Contemplate Own Inevitable Collision With Plate Glass appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6RP9N)
SALT LAKE CITY-Saying he had learned his lesson following his suspensions by the NBA for two incidents in which he brandished firearms, a reformed Ja Morant told reporters Wednesday that he was way more into swords now. I did some soul-searching during my time away from the game, and I realized guns should have no [...]The post Reformed Ja Morant More Into Swords Now appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6RP9P)
JUPITER, FL-In a tragic incident that has left MAGA world reeling, 55-year-old television personality Kimberly Guilfoyle reportedly died Wednesday after attempting to remove her makeup. Unfortunately, it appears the makeup was really the only thing holding her face structurally together at this point," said a medical responder who spoke with reporters on the condition of [...]The post Kimberly Guilfoyle Dies Trying To Remove Makeup appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6RNQM)
According to the American Society of Plastic Surgeons, breast reduction surgery has surged, growing 64% from 2019 to 2023. Here is what you need to know about the increasingly common elective procedure. Q: Who is a good candidate for breast reduction surgery? A: Anyone whose breasts are medically designated as honkers. Q: Why do women [...]The post What To Know About Breast Reduction Surgery appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6RNMD)
Cuba was plunged into a widespread, days-long power outage after its electrical grid repeatedly collapsed, sowing chaos as around 10 million people were left in the dark and underscoring the precarious state of the country's infrastructure. What do you think?The post Cuba Suffers Extended Blackout appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6RNME)
This restored 1860s Victorian is haunted by a fanatically nudist ghost. Previous owners got sick of waking up in the middle of the night stark naked with their pajamas in a shredded pile at their feet. Don't bother trying to get away with a towel wrapped around your waist. Ghost will destroy that too. Perfect [...]The post Haunted By Nudist Ghost appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6RNMF)
SANTA FE, NM-Offering fans a tantalizing glimpse into what he's been working on for nearly 15 years, bestselling author George R.R. Martin announced this week that he had written every and" that would appear in his long-awaited novel The Winds Of Winter. I know there has been much speculation about whether I'm truly committed to [...]The post George R.R. Martin Announces He's Written Every And' That Will Appear In Next Book appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6RNHC)
KANSAS CITY, MO-Quieting doubts from supporters that he wasn't focused enough on getting a win on the board for the Aryan people, NFL place-kicker Harrison Butker insisted Tuesday that he wouldn't let politics distract him from the upcoming race war. I feel obligated to push back when someone audaciously suggests women shouldn't be relegated to [...]The post Harrison Butker Insists He Won't Let Politics Distract From Upcoming Race War appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6RNEA)
NEW YORK-Featuring nearly identical video footage in two separate $25 million ad buys, the Donald Trump and Kamala Harris campaigns both debuted new commercials Tuesday that attempt to win support for their respective candidates with a supercut of Trump's most racist comments. The two ads-which reports confirmed would air continuously until Nov. 5-showcase clips of [...]The post Both Campaigns Release Ads Showcasing Trump's Most Racist Comments appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6RMSJ)
In an appeal to the powerful voting bloc, Trump told a group of influential Amish megadonors that, if elected, he would make turning on the lights or plugging in an appliance a criminal offense.The post Trump Vows To Outlaw Electricity To Secure Powerful Amish Vote appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6RMPQ)
STANFORD, CA-Concluding that the window in which to give themselves a little pat on the back was rapidly closing, a report released Monday by Stanford University found that Americans needed to cut carbon emissions by 3% in order to tell themselves they did their best. It's clear that as the planet continues to grow hotter, [...]The post Report Finds Americans Need To Cut Emissions By 3% In Order To Tell Themselves They Did Their Best appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6RMPR)
WASHINGTON-In an attempt to sow further doubt about the vice president's employment history, Donald Trump accused Kamala Harris Monday of lying about having a job at the White House. Phony Kamala says she worked in a junior position at the White House for years, but they say they've got no record of her being there," [...]The post Trump Accuses Kamala Harris Of Lying About Having Job At White House appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6RMGM)
A new fire station in central Germany, which was destroyed in a fire, did not have a fire alarm system, with local officials claiming no alarm was installed because experts had considered it unnecessary. What do you think?The post Fire Station That Burned Down Didn't Have Fire Alarm appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6RMGN)
Almost every day, the establishment seems to get it wrong trying to use Donald Trump's words to paint him as a dire threat to our democracy. What so many fail to see-and what his supporters have long understood-is that Trump is a showman. When he speaks at rallies, he's not telling us about his literal policy positions. More often than not, he's just trying to entertain.The post We Need To Take Trump's Rhetoric Seriously, But Not Literally vs. Have That Guy Killed appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6RK8X)
Nearly one third of the cameras in the Border Patrol's primary surveillance system along the southern U.S. border are not working, with an internal memo blaming outdated equipment and repair issues. What do you think?The post 30% Of Border Patrol Cameras Broken appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6RJZZ)
The U.S. Treasury Department said its expanded use of machine learning systems helped detect and prevent billions of dollars in fraudulent payments in 2024, claiming the approach contributed to the recovery of more than $4 billion. What do you think?The post U.S. Treasury Uses AI To Prevent Billions In Fraud appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6RJTT)
NEW YORK-Addressing blowback he received for his contentious interview with the Democratic nominee this week, Fox News anchor Bret Baier admitted Friday that he made a mistake letting presidential candidate Kamala Harris speak. I want to say that it was absolutely a misstep to let Harris get a word in edgewise during our interview," said [...]The post Bret Baier Admits He Made Mistake Letting Kamala Harris Speak appeared first on The Onion.
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by Hannah Wolansky on (#6RJTV)
FEMA, a perennial target for conspiracy theorists, has faced an uptick in misinformation since Hurricane Helene struck. The Onion separates the myths from the facts surrounding the Federal Emergency Management Agency. MYTH: FEMA spends disaster recovery money on sheltering migrants. FACT: Those funds are exclusively used to buy migrants steak and lobster. MYTH: FEMA created [...]The post FEMA: Myth Vs. Fact appeared first on The Onion.
by The Onion Staff on (#6RJTW)
With its current setting of 90 seconds to midnight, the symbolic Doomsday Clock used by atomic scientists indicates that we are, at this moment, as close as we have ever been to an imminent nuclear catastrophe. Clearly, now more than ever, we need to strengthen our nuclear disarmament treaties, because the prospect of an atomic [...]The post Nuclear Weapons Have The Potential To Frighten My Nervous Dogs appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6RJR4)
PITTSBURGH-Patting herself on the back for staying ahead of schedule, local woman Ruby Butcher reported feeling accomplished Friday after finishing her holiday weight gain early. Usually I put it off until the last minute, but this year I've already put on all my extra weight for the holidays," said Butcher, who added that looking for [...]The post Woman Feels Accomplished After Finishing Holiday Weight Gain Early appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6RJR5)
PALM BEACH, FL-Claiming he had the most beautiful and perfect" cranial structure that his physician had ever seen, former President Donald Trump reportedly took to Truth Social this week to release the skull measurementsfrom his latest phrenology exam. According to my doctor and everyone at the Boston Phrenological Society, my incredible scalp morphology and brain [...]The post Trump Releases Skull Measurements From Phrenology Exam appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6RJR6)
WASHINGTON-Offering the vice president a chance to gain the trust of voters skeptical about whether her policies would actually differ from those of the current administration, Fox News host Bret Baier reportedly challenged Kamala Harris Wednesday to prove she was moving forward by handing her a baseball bat and wheeling out a caged President Biden. [...]The post Bret Baier Asks Harris To Prove She Moving Forward By Handing Her Baseball Bat, Wheeling Out Caged Biden appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6RJR7)
VATICAN CITY-In an effort to give himself a breather after more than a decade ministering to his flock, Pope Francis announced Friday that he had excommunicated all of the world's Catholics so he could have a quiet weekend alone. It's just been so long since I could take a few days to myself without worrying [...]The post Pope Francis Excommunicates All Of World's Catholics So He Can Have Quiet Weekend Alone appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6RJ00)
Italy criminalized citizens going abroad to have children through surrogacy, a measure slammed by opponents as medieval" and discriminatory to same-sex couples. What do you think?The post Italy Bans Overseas Surrogacy appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6RJ01)
DORADO, PUERTO RICO-In response to concerns about the health effects of his popular line of drinks, YouTuber and entrepreneur Logan Paul claimed Thursday that Prime is perfectly healthy for the average 9-foot-tall, 400-pound child. If Prime is consumed as recommended, there's no reason that an ordinary 450-pound 8-year-old who's nearly 10 feet tall should experience [...]The post Logan Paul Claims Prime Perfectly Healthy For Average 9-Foot-Tall, 400-Pound Child appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6RJ02)
PALM BEACH, FL-Outlining his ambitious plans for a potential second presidential term, Republican candidate Donald Trump reportedly made a pledge Thursday to use an obscure 18th-century law to marry his daughter. We're moving full steam ahead with Operation Ivanka,'" said Trump, who credited his policy advisors with working around-the-clock for months to discover the loophole [...]The post Trump Pledges To Use Obscure 18th-Century Law To Marry Daughter appeared first on The Onion.
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