The Onion

As the trade war heats up, Canada has imposed 25% retaliatory tariffs on billions of dollars of U.S. goods. Here are all the other ways Canada is fighting back: Dramatically paring back supply of fictional girlfriends Going shelf to shelf to boo imported American groceries Selling us syrup from their worst-tasting maple trees Aiming all [...]The post How Canadians Are Fighting Back Against U.S. Tariffs appeared first on The Onion.

PALM SPRINGS, CA-Appreciative of the quality time with those who have touched the life of their dear friend, guests at a bachelorette party expressed gratitude Friday that the recent celebration had provided them with valuable time to get high with the bride-to-be's cousin. It's easy to lose sight of these relationships as time goes on, [...]The post Bachelorette Party Provides Friends Valuable Time To Get High With Bride's Cousin appeared first on The Onion.

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WASHINGTON-Extending an offer to immigrants hoping to relocate to the United States, President Donald Trump unveiled a new type of visa Thursday for any foreign citizen willing to move to America to be friends with his son Barron. Any immigrant roughly Barron's age with similar interests may apply, with very little waiting time to get [...]The post Trump Announces New Visa Tier For Immigrants Who Will Be Friends With Barron appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Following a daring operation that saw authorities seize the man's property and detain him in an undisclosed location, FBI director Kash Patel announced Thursday that federal agents had uncovered 43 terabytes of free speech from local protestor Andrew Wyman's residence. Every American should be chilled to the core by the overwhelming display of constitutionally protected [...]The post Feds Uncover Terabytes Of Free Speech During Raid Of Protestor's Residence appeared first on The Onion.

JOPLIN, MO-In an effort to ensure the sustained growth of the white race and prevent the decline of Western civilization, a local school district launched a new pronatalist sex education class Thursday that requires students to care for 14 sacks of flour. For the next week, each of our seventh-graders will be in charge of [...]The post Pronatalist Sex Ed Class Requires Students To Care For 14 Sacks Of Flour appeared first on The Onion.

CHICAGO-Showing a graciousness and magnanimity that the rest of the world has denied these pariahs and rejects, Jordan Hall, the only good-looking person in the office, was reportedly mingling Wednesday with his hideous coworkers like a missionary among lepers. Several reports indicated that the handsome and fit Hall was drinking and eating alongside the outcasts [...]The post Only Good-Looking Person In Office Mingles With Hideous Coworkers Like Missionary Among Lepers appeared first on The Onion.

BATON ROUGE, LA-As a direct result of receiving pediatric emergency care services, local toddler Tim Ilsington, who was hospitalized Monday, will reportedly spend the rest of his life associating Mickey Mouse with physical pain. Sources confirmed that the 2-year-old, who was admitted to Ochsner Medical Center after fracturing his ulna, will from this point forward [...]The post Hospitalized Toddler To Spend Rest Of Life Associating Mickey Mouse With Physical Pain appeared first on The Onion.

PHILADELPHIA-Saying he was in the market for a more powerful and rugged vehicle, prospective car buyer Gabe Orcutt reportedly took an SUV out Wednesday for a test hit and run. I took it for a spin through some pedestrians, and I like how smoothly this thing flees the scene of an accident," Orcutt said of [...]The post Prospective Car Buyer Takes SUV Out For Test Hit And Run appeared first on The Onion.

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WASHINGTON-Promising to use the U.S. DOGE Service to usher in a new age of government accountability and transparency, Elon Musk ordered the creation of a federal employee revenge porn database this week. Federal employees have been lazy and unmotivated for years, so to ensure productivity going forward, all government workers must email me private nudes [...]The post Elon Musk Creates Federal Employee Revenge Porn Database appeared first on The Onion.

WEST HOLLYWOOD, CA-In a new revelation shedding further light on the ticket sales and distribution giant's alleged monopoly, a bombshell report published Tuesday found that Ticketmaster controls 80% of America's middle school talent shows. Ticketmaster retains the exclusive booking rights to thousands of middle school auditoriums across the country, creating an out-of-control resale market that [...]The post Report Finds Ticketmaster Controls 80% Of Nation's Middle School Talent Shows appeared first on The Onion.

BEVERLY HILLS, CA-In an attempt to stay organized as she balances the demands of fame and her personal life, pop superstar Taylor Swift reportedly spent Monday night editing the spreadsheet in which she ranks all of her friendships. Hmm, I think Selena [Gomez] can stay at the number-four spot-things were looking a little dicey with [...]The post Taylor Swift Spends Evening Editing Spreadsheet Ranking All Her Friendships appeared first on The Onion.

CLEVELAND-Excitedly heading out to yards, balconies, and public parks across the country to reap the wellness benefits, the U.S. populace confirmed Monday that it was using the extra hour of daylight to sun its perineums even harder. If you thought I was serious about my health before, just wait and see what another whole hour [...]The post Nation Uses Extra Hour Of Daylight To Sun Perineums Even Harder appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Warning that Americans should brace themselves for an economic period of transition," President Donald Trump told reporters Monday that a recession would be an unfortunate but necessary step on the way to all-out depression. Look, what we're doing is very big and will cause some pain, but that pain is necessary to cause total economic [...]The post Trump Says Recession Unfortunate But Necessary Step To Get To Depression appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Warning that the highly suspicious individuals constituted a threat to the country's safety and cultural unity, the U.S. Department of Homeland Security announced plans Monday to create a national registry of Duolingo users. For unknown reasons, there are people in this country attempting to learn foreign languages ranging from Italian to Japanese, and we need [...]The post DHS Begins National Registry Of Duolingo Users appeared first on The Onion.

NEW YORK-In a continuedeffort to harness the power of psychology to help customers achieve their fitness goals, Noom announced Monday that the company's weight loss quiz now guarantees personalized insults tailored to users' insecurities. There's no one-size-fits-all approach to getting healthy, which is why the Noom team is proud to provide specific and detailed put-downs [...]The post Noom Weight Loss Quiz Guarantees Personalized Insults Tailored To Users' Insecurities appeared first on The Onion.

WICHITA, KS-Urging her niece and nephew to sit down on the couch for a moment to talk about something serious, local fun aunt Penny Laurence confirmed Monday that she had to go away for a while. Aunt Penny loves you very much, but she made a mistake and now she has to go bye-bye for [...]The post Report: Fun Aunt Has To Go Away For A While appeared first on The Onion.

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A study published in the journal Science found that butterflies are vanishing from U.S. landscapes at an alarming rate, with 22% disappearing between 2000 and 2020. What do you think?The post U.S. Loses A Fifth Of Its Butterflies In 2 Decades appeared first on The Onion.

Despite the tide of aquatic opinion flowing in favor of reproductive rights for all, marine society still gives male seahorses very little say over what happens to their own bodies. Instead, we are treated as passive baby-making machines. Meanwhile, if it were the female seahorses who could get pregnant, there'd probably be an abortion clinic [...]The post If Females Could Get Pregnant, There'd Be An Abortion Clinic On Every Coral appeared first on The Onion.

SAN FRANCISCO-Warning that every flaccid member across the globe now represented a ticking time bomb in his hands, cackling Hims CEO Joseph Ludlum released a statement Friday in which he threatened to pull a switch that would activate all the world's erections at once. In the three-minute video address, which was broadcast suddenly to millions [...]The post Cackling Hims CEO Threatens To Pull Switch Activating All World's Erections At Once appeared first on The Onion.

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Cheetozard," a 3-inch Flamin' Hot Cheeto shaped like the popular Pokemon character Charizard, has sold at auction for $87,840. What do you think?The post Pokemon-Shaped Cheeto Sells For $87,840 appeared first on The Onion.

Colombian police apprehended a man attempting to smuggle 220 grams of cocaine in small bags hidden under his toupee, which authorities are now describing as a narco wig." What do you think?The post Police Catch Man Smuggling Cocaine Under Toupee appeared first on The Onion.

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RANBURNE, AL-Concluding an hours-long summit with top thinkers from the area, residents of a town with a heavyset mule stuck halfway through a barn door declared Thursday that they're plumb out of ideas. The townsfolk, who were spotted scratching their chins and shaking their heads, had reportedly convened around the rear end of a stout [...]The post Town With Heavyset Mule Stuck In Barn Door Plumb Out Of Ideas appeared first on The Onion.

MINNEAPOLIS-In a touching moment that left the terminally ill child excitedly rambling and beaming from ear to ear, witnesses confirmed Friday that Charli XCX had done a line of coke with 11-year-old Make-A-Wish recipient Luna Waites. It's always been my daughter's dream to rip lines of blow with Charli, and I'm so glad Make-A-Wish was [...]The post Charli XCX Does Line Of Coke With 11-Year-Old Make-A-Wish Fan appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Promising a glorious future marked by limitless prosperity for the East Asian nation, President Donald Trump outlined a bold vision Tuesday night for a golden age of China. Under my leadership, a prosperous new era of Chinese dominance will begin, the likes of which have never been seen before," Trump said in an address to [...]The post Trump Outlines Bold Vision For Golden Age Of China appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Groaning with exhaustion and joint pain after their late bedtime last night, members of Congress were reportedly all groggy Wednesday after staying up past 8:30 p.m. for President Donald Trump's address. Oh God, I can't believe I slept through daybreak," said 85-year-old Rep. Steny Hoyer (D-MD), one of hundreds of dazed senators and representatives who [...]The post Congress All Groggy Today After Staying Up Past 8:30 appeared first on The Onion.

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LOS ANGELES-In the aftermath of a stunning trade that saw the point guard move from the Texas city to Los Angeles, a homesick Luka Doncic was reportedly spotted Wednesday gazing longingly at a photo of a barren Dallas office park. Oh, to be back among those absolutely desolate and soulless business complexes," said Doncic, explaining [...]The post Homesick Luka Doncic Gazes Longingly At Photo Of Barren Dallas Office Park appeared first on The Onion.

HOUSTON-After two weeks of posing as an underage girl online and exchanging messages with a suspected child predator, Detective Sgt. Gordon Aguero of the Harris County Sheriff's Office told reporters Thursday he had fallen in love with the pedophile he was investigating as part of a sting operation. Although he was assigned to the case [...]The post Cop Posing As Underage Girl Online Falls In Love With Pedophile appeared first on The Onion.

BEVERLY HILLS, CA-Posing for photos as they cleaned cages, filled food bowls, and went on walks around the block, celebrity couple Mila Kunis and Ashton Kutcher reportedly spent Wednesday afternoon volunteering at their local predator shelter. Sadly, there are so many sexual predators without loving homes, but we've always found them to make great companions," [...]The post Mila Kunis, Ashton Kutcher Volunteer At Local Predator Shelter appeared first on The Onion.

Though he stopped short of urging people to get the shot, Health Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr., a noted vaccine critic, acknowledged the value of the measles vaccine amid a deadly outbreak in Texas. What do you think?The post Vaccine Critic RFK Jr. Backs Measles Vaccine Amid Deadly Outbreak appeared first on The Onion.

President Donald Trump's 25% taxes on imports from Mexico and Canada went into effect today, the latest salvo in a North American trade war that may have already stoked inflation and impeded growth. What do you think?The post Trump's 25% Tariffs On Canada, Mexico Take Effect appeared first on The Onion.

FAIRFAX, VA-Calling the young students the true enemy of gun rights," the National Rifle Association reportedly issued an F" rating Monday to dead schoolchildren. This is our lowest rating, and it's exactly what this radical group of anti-gun extremists deserves," said NRA CEO Doug Hamlin, who lambasted the deceased American shooting victims as selfish, divisive, [...]The post NRA Gives Dead Schoolchildren F' Rating appeared first on The Onion.

BEVERLY HILLS, CA-Growing increasingly anxious as yet another minute passed without the 56-year-old consultant's return, Jennifer Lopez reportedly expressed concerns Thursday that her Bumble date was not coming back from the bathroom at the Maybourne Bar. We were really vibing on text, and it seemed things were going pretty good over the first drink, but [...]The post Jennifer Lopez Worried Bumble Date Not Coming Back From Bathroom appeared first on The Onion.