The Onion

School is back in session for millions of students across the country. The Onion shares tips for ensuring your child has a safe commute. Attend a different school each day to throw would-be kidnappers off your trail. Determine if your bus driver needs uppers, downers, or both. If cycling to school, disguise yourself as a [...]The post Tips For Getting To School Safely appeared first on The Onion.

CHICAGO-Basing the instructions almost entirely on a mental map of his surroundings that had seemingly not been updated since 2002, local dad Kenan Volmer reportedly offered his children driving directions to their uncle's house Thursday that hinged on where an old Shell station used to be. So first you're going to drive down Touhy Avenue, [...]The post Dad's Driving Directions Hinge On Where Old Shell Station Used To Be appeared first on The Onion.

CHICAGO-As she navigated the concert crowd with increased vigilance, local woman Penelope Frasier issued a red alert Thursday, warning that the music venue she and her friends had just entered was an absolute minefield of her ex-boyfriends. There could be one hiding around every corner," said Frasier, quickly peeking out from behind a support beam [...]The post Local Music Venue An Absolute Minefield Of Ex-Boyfriends appeared first on The Onion.

ICE announced plans to spend up to $20 million on gloves that deliver electric shocks to people who do not cooperate. What do you think?The post ICE To Equip Officers With Electric Shock Gloves appeared first on The Onion.

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BUFFALO, NY-Audibly groaning before declaring the event a major letdown" compared to competitions in previous years, local baseball fan Dylan St. John reportedly switched off Wednesday's Little League World Series game between Canada and Asia-Pacific due to neither team having a big fat kid playing for them. What the fuck is up with all these [...]The post Little League World Series Game Turned Off Due To Neither Team Having Big Fat Kid appeared first on The Onion.

Candidates from the left's Democratic Socialists of America party have been gaining momentum around the country in primaries leading up to the midterms. The Onion examines the common myths and facts surrounding the DSA. MYTH: Socialist ideas have never worked in the real world. FACT: No political theory has ever worked in real life. MYTH: [...]The post Democratic Socialism: Myth Vs. Fact appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Defending the introductory barnyard sounds as typical for any commander-in-chief, White House officials confirmed Wednesday that it was customary for U.S. presidents to start a press conference with the word moo.' Of course the left-wing press is going to attempt to spin this as some sort of insult or mental outburst, but countless presidents since [...]The post White House Confirms It Customary For President To Start Press Conference With Moo' appeared first on The Onion.

NEW YORK-Calling the current rate of theatrical releases starring the actress unsustainable," top analysts warned Wednesday that the U.S. economy was becoming overly dependent on Anne Hathaway. Between Mother Mary, The Devil Wears Prada 2, The Odyssey, The End Of Oak Street, and the upcoming Verity, not to mention the whole other slate of projects [...]The post Analysts Warn U.S. Economy Becoming Overly Dependent On Anne Hathaway appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Touting the new vessel as an investment that could discreetly transport the nation's chief executive for years to come, President Donald Trump unveiled Tuesday a new 250-foot gilded catering container for presidential travel. This custom, state-of-the-art service container is covered in beautiful 24-karat gold and outfitted with the latest security and antimissile technology," Trump said [...]The post Trump Unveils New 250-Foot Gilded Catering Container For Presidential Travel appeared first on The Onion.

Golfer Zach Holland resigned from WingHaven Country Club after faking a hole-in-one at a membership event, admitting fault after a video of the incident went viral. What do you think?The post Golfer Resigns From Club After Faking Hole-In-One appeared first on The Onion.

ST. LOUIS-Tearfully admitting that the lifelong problem had finally reached a breaking point, local man Darren Moore told reporters Tuesday that he doesn't like who he becomes when he's around salsa. There's something about when a bowl of salsa hits the table...I become...different..." said Moore, adding that even on nights when he'd try to just [...]The post Man Doesn't Like Who He Becomes When He's Around Salsa appeared first on The Onion.

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CHICAGO-Saying he now saw the woman he'd been dating in a totally different light, local man Arthur Morris confirmed Tuesday that a recent visit to his girlfriend's family provided illuminating insight into why she was Asian. The first time I saw her parents, it totally clicked why she's the race she is," said Morris, adding [...]The post Visit To Girlfriend's Family Provides Illuminating Insight Into Why She's Asian appeared first on The Onion.

ESTES PARK, CO-Noting the bag's elongated oval shape, prominent Wilson logo, and the fact that its owner was walking directly toward a tennis court, a new report released Tuesday concluded that the tennis-racket-shaped bag in local man Marcus Walman's hand just had to be full of tennis rackets. Using a multivariate Bayesian object-classification framework incorporating [...]The post Report: Tennis-Racket-Shaped Bag Gotta Be Full Of Tennis Rackets appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Saying he would not hesitate to use force if she continued to disobey his orders, Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth reportedly ordered a military blockade Monday of a woman attempting to walk away from him in a D.C.-area bar. Until further notice, U.S. troops shall not allow this gorgeous woman to pass," said an irate, slurring [...]The post Pete Hegseth Orders Military Blockade Of Woman Attempting To Walk Away From Him appeared first on The Onion.

Anyone who didn't know Ben Hopper, 16, would say it was cruel that he died so young.The post Ben Hopper appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Assuring the American people he would not let the legal system sway his judgment in any decision he makes, recently sworn-in Attorney General Todd Blanche vowed at a press conference Monday to remain fully independent of the law. The autonomy of the Office of the Attorney General is paramount, and I will defend it against [...]The post Todd Blanche Vows To Remain Fully Independent Of The Law appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Touting her overall cruelty and particular delight at making others feel miserably self-conscious, the White House on Monday tapped a mean teenager from a Zara fitting room as its new press secretary. Madison [Rhodes] has been on our radar ever since she humiliated a total stranger at a Zara changing area and sent her fleeing [...]The post White House Taps Mean Teen In Zara Fitting Room As New Press Secretary appeared first on The Onion.

NEW YORK-Slamming both hands on the circulation desk after learning he was 17th in line for Larry McMurtry's Pulitzer Prize-winning Western novel, Knicks star Jalen Brunson reportedly shouted, Do you have any idea who I am?" Monday at a librarian who refused to move him up the Lonesome Dove waitlist. Look, I am the NBA [...]The post Do You Have Any Idea Who I Am?' Jalen Brunson Shouts At Librarian Refusing To Move Him Up Lonesome Dove' Waitlist appeared first on The Onion.

MEDFORD, OR-Saying the infant really ought to save her tears for the real shit that's headed her way,sources familiar with crying newborn Sophia Whitfield confirmed Monday that she had no idea how much worse it was going to get. Observerstold reporters the shrieking baby was clearly oblivious to the fact that any distress she experienced [...]The post Crying Newborn Has No Idea How Much Worse It Gets appeared first on The Onion.

As she weighs a 2028 presidential run, Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (D-NY) announced that she is freezing her eggs, not confirming whether she eventually plans to have children. What do you think?The post AOC Freezing Her Eggs appeared first on The Onion.

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WASHINGTON-Dismissing news of the 70-story skyscraper as a hit job" manufactured by the mainstream media, President Donald Trump downplayed Thursday the significance of a Trump Tower found on Little St. James, the island once owned by the late child predator Jeffrey Epstein.Look, there's a lot of buildings with my name on it, one of which [...]The post Trump Downplays Significance Of Trump Tower Found On Epstein Island appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Coming to an abrupt halt in the bedroom doorway and staring in surprise at her husband's exposed entrails, actress Cheryl Hines reportedly walked in Tuesday on Health and Human Services Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. vivisecting himself again.Oh, er, honey, you're home early-I'm just taking a peek under the hood to make sure all my [...]The post Cheryl Hines Walks In On RFK Jr. Vivisecting Self Again appeared first on The Onion.

Apparently the main character's mom and the quirky mailman are married now even though we never saw them interact this whole movie.The post Ms. Taylor and the Mailman appeared first on The Onion.

Singer-songwriter Phoebe Bridgers has released Lost Weekend, her third studio album. Here's everything you need to know about the artist. Genre: Bummed out in H&M Biggest Influence: SNOOZ Pro Original Smart White Noise Machine Often Compared To: That platinum blond from Boygenius Accolades: Grammy for Best Performance by Child of Two Non-Famous People Bestselling Merch: [...]The post Artist Profile: Phoebe Bridgers appeared first on The Onion.

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WASHINGTON-Blasting the 2-year-old's incessant lying to the American people, White House press secretary Karoline Leavitt on Thursday slammed her toddler son over baseless accusations that the caterpillar was very hungry. Time and time again, this vindictive child has served up fabrications regarding the caterpillar's appetite that consist of nothing but radical left talking points," Leavitt [...]The post Karoline Leavitt Slams Toddler Son Over Baseless Accusations That Caterpillar Very Hungry appeared first on The Onion.

Surveillance company Flock's automatic license plate readers, which are used by over 5,000 law enforcement agencies across 49 states, are generating controversy. The Onion examines the pros and cons of the technology. PRO Helps police officers violates civil rights far faster than if they were working alone Garrett Langley's parents will be devastated if his [...]The post Pros And Cons Of Flock Cameras appeared first on The Onion.

PALO ALTO, CA-Telling himself he had no other choice" but to end the simulated character's life himself before his company effectively pulled the plug on the virtual world, a tearful Mark Zuckerberg reportedly smothered his metaverse avatar Thursday using a digital pillow. According to sources, Zuckerberg told his wife, Priscilla Chan, that he would be [...]The post Tearful Mark Zuckerberg Smothers Metaverse Avatar With Digital Pillow appeared first on The Onion.

MCCOOK, IL-Complaining that he couldn't even walk down the street without being mistaken for a world-class basketball player, doughy Eastern European immigrant Vukain Petrovi told reporters Thursday that he was tired of everyone assuming he was an NBA superstar.Just because I'm a 6-foot-10, soft-bodied Balkan man with a last name ending in -i,' everyone automatically [...]The post Doughy Eastern European Man Tired Of Everyone Assuming He's NBA Superstar appeared first on The Onion.

Kirk Devine, 45, passed away in a hot-air balloon explosion last Wednesday. In lieu of flowers, the family asks that mourners find and return Devine's body parts.The post Kirk Devine appeared first on The Onion.

Scientists have for the first time used AI to create viruses that don't exist in nature, a milestone that has prompted hopes for medical breakthroughs and fears of new biological threats. What do you think?The post Researchers Develop First AI-Designed Viruses appeared first on The Onion.

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WASHINGTON-Surrounded on all sides by overturned furniture, ripped-out desk drawers, and dozens of loose items flung wildly from their shelves, President Donald Trump reportedly tore up the White House on Thursday in a frantic search for more munitions. Come on, come on, there's gotta be one of those interceptor things around here somewhere," said Trump, [...]The post Trump Tears Up White House In Search Of More Munitions appeared first on The Onion.

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Your Own Goddamn House: It's your house. You paid for it. She can't just make you leave, divorce papers or not. Reference #27802The post Your Own Goddamn House appeared first on The Onion.

Monica Hilburn and Mike Gomez: The bride's psychic predicted she'd find love, and sure enough, she will eventually.The post Monica Hilburn and Mike Gomez appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-In what is being described as a major breach of White House security protocol, the National Security Agency reportedly uncovered evidence Friday that first lady Melania Trump was a Russian listening device.A sweep by intelligence officials has revealed that Mrs. Trump is in fact an espionage tool deployed by Russia to record President Trump while [...]The post Melania Trump Discovered To Be Russian Listening Device appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-With the remaining days of August dwindling and autumn rapidly approaching, the nation ashamedly confirmed Wednesday that it had once again failed to make the most of summer. We're running out of time, and I haven't been to a single free concert or even entertained the idea of camping or hitting the pool," said Brendan [...]The post Nation Once Again Fails To Make Most Of Summer appeared first on The Onion.

LOS ANGELES-Clarifying that he was simply curious whether there was a comparable version of himself overseas, Los Angeles Dodgers third baseman Max Muncy reportedly asked teammate Shohei Ohtani on Tuesday if they had Max Muncy in Japan. I'm just wondering if you guys have your own version of me-like, does Japan have a Max Muncy [...]The post Max Muncy Asks Shohei Ohtani If They Have Max Muncy In Japan appeared first on The Onion.

ANN ARBOR, MI-In an effort toirritatetherecent winner ofMichigan's Democratic Senate primary at all hours of the night,a spitefulAmerican Israel Public Affairs Committee (AIPAC) reportedly spent $30 million this week to place a really loud bird directly outside the window of Abdul El-Sayed. It might seem like a lot of money, but it's worth it to [...]The post Spiteful AIPAC Spends $30 Million On Loud Bird Perched Outside Abdul El-Sayed's Window appeared first on The Onion.