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by The Onion Staff on (#73FAS)
The post Trump Attempts To Distract From Epstein Files By Gaining 200 Pounds appeared first on The Onion.
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The Onion
| Link | https://theonion.com/ |
| Feed | https://www.theonion.com/rss |
| Updated | 2026-02-28 19:03 |
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by The Onion Staff on (#73ET1)
WASHINGTON-Advising her that even the most basic gesture of contrition would solve all her problems instantly, lawmakers reminded convicted sex trafficker Ghislaine Maxwell on Monday that a simple I'm sorry" could make all this go away. We're just asking for two simple words that demonstrate you feel a sense of regret for the harm you [...]The post Ghislaine Maxwell Reminded That A Simple I'm Sorry' Could Make This All Go Away appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#73EQR)
The Department of Homeland Security warned that the use of toxins, such as ricin and cyanide, to poison domestic partners has increased over the last five years, driven by several factors including accessibility of online information, ease of obtaining certain chemicals, and perceived difficulty in detection. What do you think?The post Report: Poisonings Of Domestic Partners Have Increased appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#73EN4)
With the popularity of streaming megahit KPop Demon Hunters, the formation of global girl group" Katseye, and the reunion of superstars BTS, Korean pop music's influence on American pop culture is stronger than ever. The Onion shares everything you need to know about K-pop. Who are some of the major K-pop groups?BTS, EXO, NCT, NCIS, [...]The post All The Questions You Have About K-Pop, Answered appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#73EFD)
The family of Alan Andrews, 52, welcomes any suggestions for alternate phrasings of suicide by cop."The post Alan Andrews appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#73EFC)
STANFORD, CA-In a comprehensive, decade-long study of the self-destructive pattern, researchers at Stanford University recorded a shocking 98% recidivism rate among Americans who had burned their mouths on hot food. Despite the lingering numbness on their tongues or the roofs of their mouths, the study found that nearly all subjects who burned themselves on items [...]The post Study Finds 98% Recidivism Rate Among Americans Who Burn Mouths On Hot Food appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#73EFB)
WILMINGTON, DE-Expressing relief about his obliviousness to America's unraveling, former President Joe Biden told reporters Thursday that he was grateful not to be alive to see what Trump was doing to the country. I devoted my entire life to safeguarding the ideals of democratic freedom and promoting liberty across this great land, and I cannot [...]The post Biden Grateful He's Not Alive To See What Trump Doing To Country appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#73EFA)
President Trump's border czar, Tom Homan, was recently tapped to lead ICE's highly publicized deportation campaign in Minnesota. The Onion takes a look at Homan's background. Head Weight: 66 pounds Ideology: Fundamentalist Punisher fan Least Favorite Haplogroup: Q-M242 Role In Project 2025: Genetic source for cloned ICE agents Favorite Part Of Job: Working with kids [...]The post Political Profile: Tom Homan appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#73EF9)
The post Non-Biathlon Skier Would Also Like Gun appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#73E5F)
The post Drunken Seahawks Fans Climbing Space Needle appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#73E4B)
BOISE, ID-Crying out Dios mio!" and Ayudame!" as soon as they heard the opening notes of the Puerto Rican superstar's EoO," millions of terrified conservatives reportedly lost the ability to speak English Sunday after exposure to Bad Bunny's Super Bowl LX halftime performance. Oh, what a crock-load of mierda-que?-que esta pasando?" said local 43-year-old Randy [...]The post Terrified Conservatives Lose Ability To Speak English After Exposure To Bad Bunny Performance (Dios Mio!' Cry Millions Of Panicking Republicans) appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#73E4C)
The post Turning Point USA Halftime Show Opens With Snake-Handling Preacher appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#73E2V)
The post Stefon Diggs Spotted Partying On Yacht In Middle Of Second Quarter appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#73E30)
The post Guy At Super Bowl Party Brought Football For Some Reason appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#73E2Z)
The post Nation Furious After Realizing Super Bowl Ad For Kindness appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#73E2Y)
The post Budweiser Super Bowl Commercial Leaves Man Hankering For Clydesdale Meat appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#73E2X)
The post Streaker Running Across Field At Super Bowl Just Concussed Player appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#73E2W)
The post Football-Themed Napkins At Super Bowl Party Too Nonabsorbent, Painful To Use On Mouth appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#73D95)
VAL DI FIEMME,ITALY-Calling it a relentless barrage of unwelcome yelling" that distracted from the competition, officials confirmed Saturday that the women's 10km + 10km Skiathlon event had been marred by Italian men catcalling along thesidelines. Ayyy, bella, how 'bout you-a come grip-a my ski pole, eh?" said one of the hundreds of local men stationed [...]The post Women's Cross-Country Skiing MarredByCatcalling Italian MenOnSidelines appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#73CZN)
WASHINGTON-Infuriated at the sullying of a cherished American tradition, angry conservatives across the country vented their outrage Friday over this weekend's Super Bowl being held in the foreign city of Santa Clara. I can put up with pandering to international markets when it's some fucking regular-season Jags bullshit, but this is the biggest game of [...]The post Conservatives Outraged Super Bowl Happening In Foreign City Of Santa Clara appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#73CZP)
The Equal Employment Opportunity Commission, the federal agency in charge of enforcing workplace anti-discrimination laws, is investigating Nike over the athletic shoe giant's treatment of white employees. What do you think?The post Trump Administration Investigates Nike For Alleged Discrimination Against White Workers appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#73CZQ)
WASHINGTON-Touting it as the fastest and most convenient way for people from foreign countries to be a part of the American Dream, President Donald Trump announced Friday that his direct-to-consumer website TrumpRx would offer a $1 million citizenship pill. Instead of sitting through a stupid test and having to attend some boring oath ceremony, you [...]The post TrumpRx Unveils $1 Million Citizenship Pill appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#73CXR)
The post Trump Defends Racist Video As Racist appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#73CXS)
MILAN-Casting a mournful pall over the procession making its way through the foothills and dusty roads of northern Italy, thousands of wailing, black-shawl-clad Italian women were seen following the Olympic torch this week in the run-up to the 2026 Winter Games. The women, wearing dark head coverings and clutching religious icons that bore the image [...]The post Olympic Torch Followed By Thousands Of Wailing, Black-Shawled Italian Women appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#73CVG)
LOS ANGELES-Staring down at the blank Microsoft Word screen with a hopeless expression on his face, Hollywood TV producer Ryan Murphy told reporters Friday that he was worried his worst ideas were now behind him. Sometimes I look back and fear I'll never be able to come up with anything that schlocky ever again," said [...]The post Ryan Murphy Worried All His Worst Ideas Behind Him appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#73CN8)
Reggaeton and Latin trap artist Bad Bunny is this year's Super Bowl halftime show performer. The Onion sat down with the musician to discuss the upcoming show. The Onion: How did you book the halftime show? Bad Bunny: Roger Goodell is my cousin. What can we expect from this year's halftime show? I've been practicing [...]The post The Onion's Exclusive Interview With Bad Bunny appeared first on The Onion.
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by Claire Favret on (#73CN7)
ERIE, PA-Saying that every full-grain cowhide motorcycle jacket would help keep a brooding, wayward rebel warm through the cold weather months, a local charity announced Tuesday that it had begun its 10th annual leather coat drive for bad boys in need. According to organizers, donations can be placed in drop boxes outside pool halls, 24-hour [...]The post Community Leather Coat Drive Helps Bad Boys In Need appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#73CN6)
The post South Carolina Law Requires Ten Commandments In All School Lunches appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#73CN5)
NEW YORK-Expressing alarm at their friend's deeply uncharacteristic behavior, concerned sources reported Tuesday that local alcoholic George Ralston wasn't himself when he was sober. George is normally such a loud, outgoing party animal, but when he hasn't had a drink in a while, he becomes this completely different person," said Ralston's friend Joe O'Hara, adding [...]The post Alcoholic Not Himself When Sober appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#73CN4)
GREENVILLE, NC-Calling the contest his most charitable challenge yet," content creator Jimmy Donaldson, also known as MrBeast, released a new video Monday in which competitors were informed they could keep all the cash they were able to eat. When I say Go,' you rush to the pile of money and start chowing down," said the [...]The post New MrBeast Video Lets Competitors Keep As Much Cash As They Can Eat appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#73CN2)
God chose not to bless the union of Russo and Jackson for reasons known only unto Him.The post Gina Russo and Ben Jackson appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#73C6C)
The Washington Post announced sweeping layoffs amid declining revenue and backlash against the way owner Jeff Bezos has managed the company, with sports coverage, international, metro and the paper's podcast being hit hardest. What do you think?The post Washington Post' Lays Off One Third Of Newsroom appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#73C44)
WASHINGTON-Pledging to provide her with spectacles, a curled-up tie, and whatever else she needed to do a great job, President Donald Trump announced Thursday that he would be appointingLara Trump as the next Dilbert. My daughter-in-law Lara is just fantastic, so we're gonna make her Dilbert from now on," the president said unprompted to reporters [...]The post Trump Appoints Lara Trump To Be Next Dilbert appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#73C45)
WASHINGTON-Saying the millions of documents had restored a pleasure they lost long ago, Americans nationwide said Thursday that the recently released trove of emails connected with disgraced financier and pedophile Jeffrey Epstein had reignited their love of reading. I didn't realize how much I missed the simple joy of losing myself in words until these [...]The post Trove Of Emails About Pedophilia Reignites Nation's Love Of Reading appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#73C14)
WASHINGTON-Voicing deep frustration with the lack of jobsite carnage, President Donald Trump expressed disappointment Thursday that no one had been killed yet in the construction of the White House ballroom. It's been months since we started, and I still haven't seen one worker get impaled by rebar or have his head smashed in by falling [...]The post Trump Disappointed No One Killed In Ballroom Construction Process Yet appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#73BYB)
Moltbook, a Reddit-style social network where AI agents communicate exclusively amongst themselves without the need for humans, has taken the tech world by storm, with as many as 1.5 millions bots using the service to chat about the work they're doing and the problems they've solved. What do you think?The post New Social Network Exclusively For AI Bots appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#73BTY)
PALO ALTO, CA-Hailing the new product as a game changer" in the development of large language models, Silicon Valley insiders confirmed Tuesday that an AI chatbot that only responds huh" had been valued at $200 billion.The new HmmAI chatbot is like nothing we've seen before, able to answer huh' to text and image-based inputs with [...]The post AI Chatbot That Only Responds Huh' Valued At $200 Billion appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#73BTX)
The post It's My Hand': Muppets Puppeteer On How He Brings Kermit To Life appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#73BTW)
BATON ROUGE, LA-Revealing that he was prepared to become a martyr for the popular cartoon dog from Australia, local 3-year-old Owen Fulks announced this week that he was more than willing to die for Bluey.It would be the greatest honor to lay down my life for Bluey," said Fulks, pledging his eternal allegiance to the [...]The post 3-Year-Old Willing To Die For Bluey appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#73BTV)
LOS ANGELES-Sparking rumors about the pair's relationship as she stepped out with the new piece of eye-catching jewelry, media personality Kylie Jenner was photographed Friday wearing an amulet that reportedly contained an imprisoned Timothee Chalamet.It's official-Timothee's soul has been sealed inside that glowing pendant around her neck," said an insider source, who hinted that the [...]The post Kylie Jenner Photographed Wearing Amulet Containing Imprisoned Timothee Chalamet appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#73BTT)
Oh! Margo McQueen, 63, died. You knew that, right? Like, eight months ago. There was a memorial. Your father went. Said her sister's really gone off the deep end with the Botox.The post Margo McQueen appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#73BTS)
In compliance with the Epstein Files Transparency Act, the Justice Department has released more than 3 million documents related to the late child sex offender's prosecution. The Onion shares the biggest revelations. Jeffrey Epstein signed all his emails The Infamous Pedophile Jeff" Digital cameras always have that nostalgic feel Little Saint James gets kind of [...]The post Biggest Revelations From The Epstein Files appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#73BTR)
This three-bedroom home on a tree-lined street has a roof with all the pointy parts you'd hope to have in a roof. No level surface up here! It's all slopes and slants that lead to various points. Reference #64300The post A Roof With All The Points appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#73B9X)
The Chinese government blasted the Recording Academy's decision to award the Dalai Lama his first Grammy, claiming the music industry award for an audiobook was used as a tool for anti-China political manipulation." What do you think?The post China Criticizes Decision To Award Grammy To Dalai Lama appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#73B9Y)
The post Trump Scolds Female Reporter For Being Adult appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#73B1C)
JACKSONVILLE, FL-Sighing in frustration as she turned another page devoid of sexual content,Lord Of The Ringsreader Adrienne Heeren told reporters Wednesday that she couldn't believe how long it was taking for Sam and Frodo to fuck. Don't get me wrong-I love a slow-burn, friends-to-lovers kind of thing, but I'm on the third book, and they [...]The post Lord Of The Rings' Reader Can't Believe How Long It Taking Sam And Frodo To Fuck appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#73B1D)
The post Inhuman Resources appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#73B1E)
PHOENIX-In an effort to attract clientele who need to rent vehicles for their belongings without having a final destination totally locked in just yet, U-Haul officials unveiled a fleet of live-in trucks Wednesday for customers to sleep in as they sort some shit out. We're excited to finally be able to offer our customers an [...]The post U-Haul Unveils Live-In Trucks To Sleep In While You Sort Some Shit Out appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#73B1F)
RUTHERFORD, NJ-Expressing disappointment at how his life had turned out, local pet iguana Kermit confirmed this week that he had assumed by this point he would have moved out of his starter tank. I just always pictured myself living in a far bigger enclosure at this age," said the 8-year-old green iguana, adding that when [...]The post Pet Iguana Assumed He'd Move Out Of Starter Tank By Now appeared first on The Onion.
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