The Onion

LOS ANGELES-Discussing his preparation for the role during a press junket for the Marvel film,Fantastic Fourstar Pedro Pascal told reporters Friday that he had spent months working with a trainer to be able to stretch his limbs up to 50 feet. The moment I got the call that I was playing Mister Fantastic, I got [...]The post Fantastic Four's Pedro Pascal Recalls Working With Trainer To Stretch Limbs 50 Feet appeared first on The Onion.

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John Alford, 81, leaves behind his 2006 Chrysler Sebring, 120,000 miles, $2,900. Local pickup only.The post John Alford appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-In another dramatic twist in the ongoing scandal involving the late sex trafficker, sources confirmed this week that U.S. Attorney General Pam Bondi previously informed President Donald Trump that his name was tattooed all over Jeffrey Epstein's body. During a routine Oval Office briefing, Bondi mentioned that Trump's name was inked on every inch of [...]The post AG Informed Trump His Name Tattooed All Over Epstein's Body appeared first on The Onion.

TALLAHASSEE, FL-Perplexed that the Department of Justice had chosen a setting with such strange decor to ask her about Jeffrey Epstein's co-conspirators, Ghislaine Maxwell confirmed Thursday that she couldn't help but notice her interview room was covered in plastic sheeting. Wow, you've got the whole room tarped up-you guys doing some painting later?" said Maxwell [...]The post Ghislaine Maxwell Can't Help But Notice Interview Room Covered In Plastic Sheeting appeared first on The Onion.

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Homeland Security Secretary Kristi Noem has hinted that more changes are coming to TSA following the end of the agency's shoe removal policy. Here is a selection of the new security rules coming to the nation's airports: Agents will personally thank white couples traveling with white children. Mandatory ridiculing of bad driver's license photos Any [...]The post All The Changes Kristi Noem Is Making To TSA appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Saying he hoped the break would keep his party focused on the America First agenda, Speaker Mike Johnson (R-LA) announced plans Thursday for the House of Representatives to take a short recess as he doused the U.S. Capitol in gasoline. We know that the American people are best served by putting an end to these [...]The post The House Will Take A Short Recess,' Declares Mike Johnson Dousing Capitol In Gasoline appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Following federal cuts to utility bill assistance programs, the Department of Health and Human Services released guidance Thursday advising low-income seniors to stay cool by wallowing in the mud. With summer temperatures soaring, it's more important than ever that older Americans are taking the time to lower their bodies into slop," said Health Secretary Robert [...]The post HHS Advises Low-Income Seniors To Wallow In Mud To Stay Cool appeared first on The Onion.

NEW YORK-Instinctively lowering themselves into a defensive crouch while awaiting the return of the eerily absent audio cue, Manhattan residents reportedly remained on alert Thursday after a sunrise unaccompanied by languid clarinet music. Every day, as long as I can remember, I would roll out of bed to a soulful clarinet solo scoring the sun's [...]The post Manhattan On Alert Following Sunrise Unaccompanied By Languid Clarinet Music appeared first on The Onion.

This wedding took a bizarre turn Saturday after the groom willingly engaged in a perverted family tradition in which he slow-danced with his own mother.The post Brian King and Sylvia Rinaldi appeared first on The Onion.

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This warm and beckoning glow is conveniently located just beyond your grasp, but if you run toward it you just might find the calming space you've always been looking for. Reference #228745The post The Light appeared first on The Onion.

A memorial will be held Saturday for Barbara Stratton, 77, at which her remains will be raffled off to one lucky mourner.The post Barbara Stratton appeared first on The Onion.

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BOSTON-Following recommendations from the U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission, GE issued a recall Wednesday for 150,000 washing machines that repeatedly failed to pleasure lonely housewives as intended. Certain front-loading washer models have been recalled due to a motor issue that prevents the machines from properly bringing sexually frustrated housewives to shuddering climax," said product safety [...]The post GE Recalls Washing Machines That Failed To Pleasure Lonely Housewives appeared first on The Onion.

LOS ANGELES-Shedding a single tear as rows of ramen shops and luxury apartments shrunk in the distance, 26-year-old marine Hunter Wade reportedly wondered Tuesday what would become of the innocent Angelenos he was leaving behind as his CH-53E Super Stallion helicopter ascended into the sky. We tried to help as many as we could, but [...]The post Marine Wonders What Will Become Of Angelenos Left Behind As Chopper Rises Into Sky appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Experiencing a sudden change of heart, longtime workaholic Eli Kaplan reportedly realized Monday that attending his son's baseball game was far more important than his job as a top civil rights attorney. It's about time that I finally got my priorities straight," said Kaplan while sitting at the baseball field, revealing that he had previously [...]The post Workaholic Father Finally Realizes Son's Baseball GameMore Important Than Civil Rights Law appeared first on The Onion.

CHICAGO-In response to countless posts and online petitions in the nearly 10 years since the fast food giant discontinued the fan-favorite menu item, McDonald's officials announced this week that they had brought back the beloved Snack Rat. The groundswell of energy for the Snack Rat to return has been wonderful, so of course we had [...]The post McDonald's Brings Back Beloved Snack Rat appeared first on The Onion.

GENEVA-Touting its latest offering as the most efficient pregnancy test on the market, diagnostic product maker Clearblue unveiled a handheld mirror Tuesday for easily checking to see if there's a baby up there.Receive fast and precise results almost instantly just by looking in the reflection of the Clearblue Rapid-Detection Hand Mirror for any evidence that [...]The post Clearblue Introduces New Handheld Mirror For Checking If Baby Up There appeared first on The Onion.

The groom added the bride to his harem of devoted wives, solidifying the count at a firm dozen.The post Hayley Greenwood and Tom Nelson appeared first on The Onion.

Some MAGA supporters are turning on President Trump after he walked back campaign promises to declassify information about deceased financier and convicted sex offender Jeffrey Epstein. Here is everything you need to know about the Epstein files. Q: Why are people so interested in the Epstein case? A: It's the only example of money and [...]The post What To Know About The Epstein Files appeared first on The Onion.

DES MOINES, IA-Rushing to deploythe temporary infrastructure as a heatwave enveloped the region, Iowa officials announced Monday that they would open emergency cooling stations to provide relief to mayo-based dishes. Effective immediately, we're installing portable air-conditioners and power misters across the state to ensure our mayonnaise-filled salads make it through this heatwave safely," said Emergency [...]The post Iowa Opens Emergency Cooling Stations For Mayo-Based Dishes appeared first on The Onion.

LOS ANGELES-Rolling their eyes and mocking the pathetic attempts to navigate the narrow space, passersby reportedly mumbled Must be a Waymo" Monday while observing a local moron stuck backing up in an alley for half an hour. These companies act like it's only a matter of time before every car on the road is an [...]The post Must Be A Waymo,' Bystanders Say Of Moron Stuck Backing Up In Alley For Half Hour appeared first on The Onion.

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Be the next Brady Bunch superfan to waste $2.4 million because they didn't read the listing carefully. Reference #67209The post The Bradley Bunch House appeared first on The Onion.

Studies show that children who read for pleasure perform better on tests and suffer from fewer mental health problems. Here are some tips for fostering a love of reading: Make time every day to read the neighbor's mail as a family. Emit a high-pitched noise every time they're not reading. Use a marker to retitle [...]The post Tips For Getting Kids Interested In Reading appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Springing into action to save what it could, the U.S. populace reportedly got to work this week boarding up windows and retreating to its cellars moments after learning Lena Dunham had reentered the news cycle. Dear God, the day has finally come," said Tulsa, OK, resident Amanda Pendleton, just one of the millions of Americans [...]The post Nation Boards Up Windows, Retreats To Cellar As Lena Dunham Reenters News Cycle appeared first on The Onion.

ALBANY, IN-Explaining that true artistry requires obsessiveness and a scientific understanding of form, cartoonist Jim Davis revealed Friday that he studied the musculature of medical cadavers in order to properly draw the character Jon in his syndicated comic strip. Before I drew a single panel ofGarfield,I spent months meticulously examining corpses so that I could [...]The post Jim Davis Reveals He Studied Musculature Of Medical Cadavers To Properly Draw Jon appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-In what may be their first apology issued for the behavior of a Cabinet member, White House officials reportedly apologized to a foreign dignitary Tuesday after the man was bitten by a rabid Robert F. Kennedy Jr.Sorry, sorry, that's just our health secretary-I don't know what's gotten into him!" senior aide Tasha Sturbridge said as [...]The post Rabid RFK Jr. Bites Foreign Dignitary appeared first on The Onion.

Tom Cowvin passed away at age 78. He is survived by 8.113 billion people.The post Tom Cowvin appeared first on The Onion.

LEXINGTON, KY-Stressing the importance of regularly performing mental gymnastics to prevent cognitive decline, local 80-year-old Edna Connolly confirmed Thursday that she keeps her mind active by justifying President Donald Trump's actions. I try to break out of my routine and engage my mind by rationalizing what the president is doing, even when it's completely against [...]The post Elderly Woman Keeps Mind Active Justifying Trump's Actions appeared first on The Onion.

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U.S. Attorney General Pam Bondi's handling of the Epstein files has divided MAGA world, with many Trump supporters calling on the president to fire her. The Onion shares everything you need to know about Bondi. Ethnicity: Floridian American Political Party: Democratic (Until 2010) Republican (2010-2026) National Front For Making America Great (2026-) Preferred Debate Style: [...]The post Political Profile: Pam Bondi appeared first on The Onion.

DHARAMSHALA, INDIA-Calling the trend an alarming indicator of the global economy's fragile state, a report released Thursday by the Tibetan Institute for Economics revealed that the rising cost of living was forcing more Buddhists to continue working years into reincarnation.Unfortunately, increased housing, food, and healthcare expenses require many Buddhists to hold down a job long [...]The post Rising Cost Of Living Forcing More Buddhists To Continue Working Years Into Reincarnation appeared first on The Onion.

LEAWOOD, KS-Suffering from a severe delusion that he shared an intimate connection with the pop superstar, local parasocial fan Travis Kelce reportedly continued to insist Wednesday that he was in a real relationship with Taylor Swift.For the past two years, Travis has followed her across the globe, calling himself her boyfriend and deluding himself into [...]The post Parasocial Fan Believes He In Real Relationship With Taylor Swift appeared first on The Onion.

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