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by The Onion Staff on (#76HSV)
MILWAUKEE-Following his blockbuster trade to the Miami Heat, former Milwaukee Bucks superstar Giannis Antetokounmpo took out a full-page ad in The Milwaukee Journal Sentinel Wednesday thanking Bucks fans for not eating him during his 13 seasons with the franchise. To the people of Milwaukee, please know that I will be forever grateful that you looked [...]The post Giannis Antetokounmpo Takes Out Full-Page Ad Thanking Bucks Fans For Not Eating Him appeared first on The Onion.
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The Onion
| Link | https://theonion.com/ |
| Feed | https://www.theonion.com/rss |
| Updated | 2026-07-27 17:18 |
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by The Onion Staff on (#76HHY)
LOS ANGELES-Enticing fans with the promise of the franchise's most dangerous stunt yet, a new trailer for Jackass: Best And Last released Wednesday showed an aging Johnny Knoxville trying to climb a staircase without a handrail. Holy shit, what the fuck am I doing?" said the 55-year-old Knoxville, who was seen in the footage shrugging [...]The post New Jackass' Trailer Shows Aging Johnny Knoxville Trying To Climb Staircase Without Handrail appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#76HHZ)
RACINE, WI-Vowing that the new product line was the ideal way to make termites and beetles suffer for all eternity, household chemical manufacturer S.C. Johnson announced Wednesday that its insecticide brand Raid would be unveiling a new immortality spray that curses insects to watch everyone they love die. With Raid Immortality Spray, bugs will no [...]The post New Raid Immortality Spray Curses Insects To Watch Everyone They Love Die appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#76HBN)
The post Roommate Ruins Completely Arbitrary Spice Drawer Layout appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#76HBM)
The post Indian Director Scores Movie's Psychedelic Section With Trippy Western Classical Music appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#76HBK)
MIAMI-Whispering a final goodbye to a wallet photo of his wife and two young daughters, beer delivery driver Marcus Dailey jumped down from the cab of his semi truck Wednesday and pointed a trembling shotgun as a crowd of Scottish soccer fans closed in. Back! I'm warning you! Get back right now!" saidDailey, nestling the [...]The post Beer Delivery Driver Points Trembling Shotgun As Crowd Of Scottish Soccer Fans Close In appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#76HBJ)
The post Rigged Erection appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#76HBH)
Restaurants and bars catering to World Cup visitors have struggled with foreign tourists leaving without tipping, with many travelers confused by or unaware of the American practice. What do you think?The post World Cup Tourists Fail To Leave Tips appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#76GV0)
Multiple Christian energy drink brands, such as Yahweh and Praise Energy, have hit the market, capitalizing on the image of Jesus to sell their products. What do you think?The post Christian Energy Drinks Hit Market appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#76GQT)
The post Tesla Launches New Model Of Explosions appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#76GMN)
CHICAGO-Calling the update a major breakthrough for players who enjoy new-ball smell, Wilson Sporting Goods officials unveiled a new line of tennis balls Tuesday that contain even more smell. We know tennis fans love that bright chemical fragrance, so we dipped these balls in as much smell as they could physically absorb," said Wilson spokesperson [...]The post Wilson Unveils Tennis Balls With Even More Smell appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#76GFH)
WASHINGTON-Imploring their colleagues across the aisle to be mindful of how the highly charged language might elevate national tensions, congressional Republicans urged Democrats Tuesday to tone down the rhetoric they used to quote President Donald Trump verbatim. Temperatures are running high, and the last thing we need are hotheaded Democrats spewing hateful, inflammatory statements sourced [...]The post GOP Urges Democrats To Tone Down Rhetoric Used To Quote President Verbatim appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#76GFG)
LOS ANGELES-In a desperate attempt to lower the production budget, director James Cameron confirmed Tuesday that the next Avatar film would be set entirely in a Pandora studio apartment. Look, you can't always get a blank check to do all the motion capture and underwater sets that you want, so I decided that the next [...]The post James Cameron To Lower Costs By Setting Next Avatar' Entirely In Pandora Studio Apartment appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#76GFF)
The post Thomas Pynchon Spotted For First Time In Years In Instagram Reels Comment Section appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#76GFE)
The post World Cup Chant Not Racist Enough To Catch On appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#76G16)
The CDC reports an estimated 31 million people in the United States are bitten by a tick annually. The Onion examines the myths and facts surrounding the common parasites. MYTH: Ticks only live in the woods. FACT: Many ticks enjoy the more cosmopolitan feel of a park or garden. MYTH: You can easily feel a [...]The post Ticks: Myth Vs. Fact appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#76FZ3)
The post Keir Starmer Resigns Amid Not Being Very Good Prime Minister' Scandal appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#76FWN)
The post Bill Gates Invests In New Sex Trafficking Startup appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#76FS7)
CHAMPAIGN, IL-Shedding new light on the concept of voluntary behavior, researchers at the University of Illinois Urbana-Champaign contend in a study published this week that the existence of free will can be disproven by the fact that people repeatedly eat at chain sandwich restaurant Jimmy John's. Our exhaustive survey of over 12,000 regular Jimmy John's [...]The post Study Contends Free Will Disproven By Fact That Humans Repeatedly Eat At Jimmy John's appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#76FKM)
LONDON-Insisting that digital platforms should be restricted to responsible individuals, members of the U.K. Parliament announced Friday they were weighing a ban on social media for everyone except old men who grow big vegetables. Under our bill, users seeking to access Instagram, Facebook, TikTok, X, or other social media networks will first have to pass [...]The post U.K. Weighs Social Media Ban Of Everyone Except Old Men Who Grow Big Vegetables appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#76FS8)
As the NBA continues to weigh potential reforms, The Onion asked players across the league what changes they would make if they had Adam Silver's job for 24 hours.The post NBA Players Share The One Thing They'd Change About The League If They Were Commissioner For A Day appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#76FKQ)
PENSACOLA, FL-Sensing the perfect opportunity to duck out and get a head start on some scrubbing, local mom Sandy Pagano reportedly took advantage of a movie's hushed monologue Monday to go to the kitchen and wash five pots. Family sources said that during the relatively quiet moment of the film, Pagano eased herself off the [...]The post Mom Takes Hushed Monologue In Movie As Cue To Go To Kitchen, Wash 5 Pots appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#76FKP)
The post Thing Person Saying Seems To Call For Sad Face appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#76FKN)
The post No One At Bar Aware World Cup Game Rerun From 2018 appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#76E1Q)
NEW YORK-Telling everyone to count down as she turned to her colleague, actress Lea Michele reportedly showed off her ability to make her co-star cry on command Friday. Watch, I'll make his distress authentic by pulling from his personal traumatic experiences," said the 39-year-old singer and former Glee star, who brought the rehearsal of her [...]The post Lea Michele Shows Off Ability To Make Co-Star Cry On Command appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#76E1P)
SAN JOSE, CA-Grimacing as he delved deeper into the article, local man Carter Lee reportedly found himself souring on the Islamic State of Iraq and Syria on Monday after reading the Controversies" section of the militant group's Wikipedia page. Holy shit-ISIS does what to unbelievers?" said Lee, recoiling in horror as he viewed a blurred-out [...]The post Man Souring On ISIS After Reading Controversies' Section Of Militant Group's Wikipedia appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#76E1N)
CHICAGO-Telling staff never to click on any suspicious communications with blurred purple images, McDonald's officials reportedly warned corporate employees Friday to beware any emails from senders purporting to be Grimace. Grimace will never ask you for your credit card number, social security card, or blood type, so please do not follow any dubious links no [...]The post McDonald's Warns Corporate Employees To Beware Emails From Sender Purporting To Be Grimace appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#76E1M)
After more than a decade of planning, the Barack Obama Presidential Center will open on June 19, 2026, in Chicago's Jackson Park, offering access to communal gathering spaces, an urban park, and historic archives. Here, The Onion explores the key facts and figures behind the iconic new attraction. 300 Hidden Michelles' for eagle-eyed visitors to [...]The post The Obama Presidential Center By The Numbers appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#76E1K)
The post PGA Announces All Caddies Must Be Leashed appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#76E1J)
President Trump invoked the Defense Production Act to jumpstart the manufacture of munitions, an attempt to replenish weapon stockpiles that have been severely depleted in America's war with Iran. What do you think?The post Trump Invokes Defense Production Act To Boost Weapons Manufacturing appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#76E1H)
A flesh-eating fly known as New World screwworm has been found in livestock in Texas. Here's everything you need to know about the parasitic pest. Q: What is our government doing about screwworm? A: They are currently negotiating with the highest-ranking screwworm representatives. Q: Is this why my burger costs $25? A: No, that's because [...]The post What To Know About Screwworm appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#76DK4)
JD Vance has commissioned a custom chicken coop to be installed at the official Vice Presidential residence at the U.S. Naval Observatory, where he will personally attend to the birds. What do you think?The post JD Vance To Personally Care For Chickens At Naval Observatory appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#76DDA)
EVIAN-LES-BAINS, FRANCE-Claiming their failure to help America would now leave the nations incredibly vulnerable to the danger of shotgun carousels, President Donald Trump warned the G7 summit this week that the U.S. will no longer protect them from the threat of the serial killer Jigsaw. We asked you all for support, and you didn't listen, [...]The post Trump Warns U.S. Will No Longer Protect G7 From Threat Of Jigsaw appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#76DDB)
The post New York City Mayor Presents Knicks With Key To His Car appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#76DA7)
The post OG Anunoby Sends Parade Crowd Into Frenzy With Celebratory Nod appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#76D79)
The post Millions Of New Yorkers Show Up To Celebrate Plucky Underdog James Dolan appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#76D7A)
Millions of LBGTQ+ Americans and allies will march, cheer, and celebrate at Pride events this weekend. The Onion looks at the key facts and figures behind Pride. 120,000% Increase in monthly nipple tassel sales from May to June 16.3 mph Top speed of Pride parade float when hunting 294 Moms who are trying to be [...]The post Pride By The Numbers appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#76D7B)
WASHINGTON-Hailing the exclusive gathering as an opportunity to usher in an era of peace and goodwill,Health Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. hosted a lively meet-and-greet Thursday with a variety of the world's infectious diseases. In the spirit of friendship and mutual understanding, the United States is proud to welcome some of the most contagious bacteria [...]The post RFK Jr. Hosts Meet-And-Greet With Infectious Diseases appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#76D7E)
ST. LOUIS-Immediately ruining decades of graceful maneuvering to avoid discussion of the specific details of her upbringing, area woman Marissa Allen's accidental mention of her guest house Thursday reportedly blew years of subterfuge to conceal her family's wealth from friends. No, no, it's really more of a pool house, actually," said Allen, unsuccessfully attempting to [...]The post Accidental Mention Of Guest House Blows Years Of Subterfuge To Conceal Family's Wealth From Friends appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#76D7D)
PONTE VEDRA BEACH, FL-Calling the move a long-overdue fix for one of the sport's most glaring flaws, PGA tour officials announced plans Thursday to begin stationing goalies in front of every golf hole. For far too long, golfers have faced virtually no resistance when trying to put the ball in the cup, and fans have [...]The post PGA Tour Introduces Goalies appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#76D7C)
The Food and Drug Administration approved bemotrizinol, the first new sunscreen ingredient to be permitted since 1999, bringing the U.S. closer to other countries who have allowed the UV-blocking compound for decades. What do you think?The post FDA Approves First New Sunscreen Ingredient In Over 25 Years appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#76CNK)
WASHINGTON-Patting themselves on the back for seeing a film that was neither a sequel nor a prequel, the U.S. populace announced Wednesday that they were proud of themselves for watching and enjoying an original movie. Learning the names of characters I'd never heard of before wasn't easy, but ultimately I'm glad I did my part [...]The post Nation Proud Of Self For Watching, Enjoying Original Movie appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#76CCX)
DALLAS-In a bold risk that strayed from her usual habits, local woman Emily Lentz reportedly dove headfirst into a thrilling adventure Wednesday by blindly purchasing a different apple variety. What crazy times might this Cosmic Crisp have in store for me? I choose to accept its enigmatic offer with open arms," said Lentz, noting that [...]The post Woman Dives Headfirst Into Thrilling Adventure By Blindly Purchasing Different Apple Variety appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#76CCW)
NEW YORK-At last providing a definitive answer to fans' endless speculation, Sopranos creator and executive producer David Chase confirmed Tuesday that Tony Soprano died at the end of every episode in the series.People have been asking me for a clear answer for a long, long time, so here it is: Yes, all 86 episodes of [...]The post David Chase Confirms Tony Soprano Died At End Of Every Episode appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#76CCV)
It'll take a lot more than the death of Fran Stephens, 50, to trigger a recall of ground beef.The post Fran Stephens appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#76CCT)
The post Area Child's Drawing Of Family Raises Troubling Questions About Size Of Dad appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#76CCS)
Elon Musk became the world's first trillionaire after his company SpaceX went public, with his personal net worth now eclipsing the entire GDP of countries like Taiwan, Ireland, and Sweden. What do you think?The post Elon Musk Becomes World's First Trillionaire appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#76BZA)
The post Mikal Bridges Wakes Up From 4-Day Bender Next To Dead Jimmy Fallon appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#76BFZ)
AMARILLO, TX-Expressing astonishment over the unorthodox combination of the two distinct cuisines, local customers described the remarkable culinary innovation they experienced Thursday at the grand opening of a daring new fusion restaurant that mixes Texan and Mexican flavors. It sounds kind of gimmicky, but somehow the flavors work together," said local resident Harrison Peters, who [...]The post Daring Fusion Restaurant Mixes Texan, Mexican Flavors appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#76BFY)
COLUMBIA, MO-Surveying a wide cross section of Americans aged 18 to 24, a new study published Tuesday by researchers at the University of Missouri found that more Americans were foregoing college in favor of letting the carnival sort them out. In a dire job market like this, it doesn't make sense to spend tens of [...]The post Study: More Americans Foregoing College In Favor Of Letting The Carnival Sort Them Out appeared first on The Onion.
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