The Onion

Mark Rodney, 52, passed away suddenly last Saturday. His family has announced that the first person to correctly guess his cause of death will win a $25 Visa gift card.The post Mark Rodney appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Emphasizing that he wasn't going to leave the nation's capital without getting one good photograph, D.C. tourist Stan Jacobs expressed frustration Friday after atrocities kept getting in the frame of his shot. All right, everyone, looking good-just wait two more seconds until all those military guys finish shooting their assault rifles and hop back into [...]The post Atrocities Keep Getting In Frame Of D.C. Tourist's Shot appeared first on The Onion.

Alien: Earth, the latest entry in the Alien franchise, is now streaming. The Onion shares everything you need to know about the sci-fi series. Q: Where is it streaming? A: Looks like the guy sitting next to you on the bus has it playing pretty loudly. Q: Is it appropriate for children? A: No, but [...]The post What To Know About Alien: Earth' appeared first on The Onion.

DENVER-In an effort to make sure the young leukemia patient's night at Coors Field was a special one, Colorado Rockies pitcher Kyle Freeland pledged Saturday to give up a home run for a sick child, ballpark sources confirmed. Hey buddy, when I go out there tonight and serve up a meatball for the Diamondbacks to [...]The post Rockies Pitcher Pledges To Give Up Home Run For Sick Child appeared first on The Onion.

IOWA CITY, IA-Shedding light on the age-old mystery surrounding the monolithic statues, a new study published Thursday in the Journal Of Archaeological Science found evidence suggesting that the Easter Island heads were gifts from an overbearing mother-in-law. By deciphering glyphs on wooden tablets, we discovered an inhabitant of the island once made an offhand remark [...]The post Evidence Suggests Easter Island Heads Were Gifts From Overbearing Mother-In-Law appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-In a move designed to help minors in the entertainment industry hold on to their hard-earned substances, Congress passed a new law Thursday that requires 15% of all cocaine received by child actors to be set aside for their future. The sad truth is that a lot of the coke given to children who work [...]The post New Law Requires 15% Of Cocaine Received By Child Actors Be Set Aside For Future appeared first on The Onion.

NEW YORK-In a landmark move to address longstanding gender inequities in professional basketball, league officials announced this week that the WNBA would now fine players just as much as their male counterparts in the NBA. For too long, women have received financial penalties that are only a fraction of those received by men who break [...]The post WNBA Agrees To End Disparity Between Men's, Women's Fines appeared first on The Onion.

Despite a slight mix-up with the readings, the happy couple were pronounced man and wife after a recitation of Judges 19-21, the rape of the Levite's concubine.The post Marissa Green and Henry Right appeared first on The Onion.

AURORA, IL-Pausing to confirm she had read that correctly, local woman Liz Jackson reported Wednesday that the main character in the novel she was reading straight up said she hoped to be played by Nicole Kidman in a miniseries based on the book. I can't believe what came over me back there-it's going to be [...]The post Book Character Straight Up Says She Hopes To Be Played By Nicole Kidman In Miniseries appeared first on The Onion.

CORAL SPRINGS, FL-Emphasizing the importance of violent, ligament-shredding torque in achieving pro-caliber pitch velocity, regional baseball scout Phil Jenson told pitching prospect Gio Aguilar this week that he would like to see him mutilating his elbow a bit more. You're clocking high-90s on the radar gun, but you really need to be making that UCL [...]The post Scout Would Like To See Pitching Prospect Mutilate Elbow A Little More appeared first on The Onion.

HONOLULU-Calling his portrayal of a Native Hawaiian chief straight out of the 1700s," critics, scholars, and fans alike praised Chief Of War star Jason Momoa this week for the historical accuracy of his ass. Of all the period dramas that have come out in the past two decades, this is by far the most realistic [...]The post Jason Momoa Praised For Historical Accuracy Of Chief Of War' Ass appeared first on The Onion.

Foregoing any flowery language about reigniting the passion in your marriage, we're just going to come out and say this secluded vacation rental is perfect for fucking in. Loudly! Reference #90210The post We Want You To Fuck Here appeared first on The Onion.

Antonio D'Angelo, 63, fell backward onto a knife in his apartment Tuesday, and that's all you need to know.The post Antonio D'Angelo appeared first on The Onion.

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SAN FRANCISCO-Thumbing back the pistol's hammer as his dreams for the future were dashed before his eyes, OpenAI CEO Sam Altman reportedly placed a gun to his head Tuesday after a new model of ChatGPT claimed that dogs are crustaceans for the 60th time. You're right, dogs are not a type of crustacean-I meant to [...]The post Sam Altman Places Gun To Head After New GPT Claims Dogs Are Crustaceans For 60th Time appeared first on The Onion.

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ITHACA, NY-In a groundbreaking study published in the journal Animal Behaviour, researchers at Cornell University revealed Monday that elephants are the only known nonhuman species capable of leveraging synergies across a diversified brand portfolio. Conventional wisdom has long held that leveraging omnibrand fluidity to unlock cross-platform capital efficiencies was a behavior unique to humans, but [...]The post Study: Elephants Only Other Species Capable Of Leveraging Synergies In Brand Portfolio appeared first on The Onion.

CINCINNATI-Claiming that the horrifying near-death experience really put things into perspective, area man Leo York announced Tuesday that a recent heroin overdose served as a wake-up call to keep on doing heroin but just be smarter about it. That's it. Tomorrow I'm buying a digital scale, and from now on I'm only using on weekends [...]The post Heroin Overdose Serves As Wake-Up Call To Keep Doing Heroin But Smarter appeared first on The Onion.

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Now that they've tied the knot, the bride will begrudgingly root for the groom's stupid little football team.The post Anna Tsang and Matthew Valentine appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Taking offense that European leaders had, in his view, disrespected the White House by showing up inadequately dressed to Monday's closely watched Oval Office meeting with Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelensky, President Donald Trump reportedly fumed that not a single one of them had arrived in lederhosen and a tiny feathered hat. It's rude and, frankly, [...]The post Trump Angry Not A Single Visiting European Leader Wearing Lederhosen, Tiny Hat appeared first on The Onion.

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The White House has announced they will be reviewing all exhibits at the Smithsonian Institution in order to assess tone, historical framing, and alignment with American ideals." Here is a selection of the changes President Trump is demanding be implemented immediately. New wing about the Cola wars Plaques updated to confirm that wooly mammoths were [...]The post All The Demands Trump Is Making Of The Smithsonian appeared first on The Onion.

PITTSBURGH-Detailing the harmful, long-term effects of early exposure to the ball club's dismal on-field product, parents and child safety organizations denounced the Pittsburgh Pirates Monday for directly marketing the team to children. It is deeply irresponsible to lure kids into becoming Pirates fans before they're emotionally equipped to handle the kind of disappointment and chronic [...]The post Pirates Under Fire For Directly Marketing Team To Children appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Expanding its suite of discounted entry options to draw in more visitors, the National Park Service announced Tuesday the rollout of a new annual body-dumping pass for use on federal lands across the country. Officials confirmed the pass covers park admission and day-use fees for the disposal of dead bodies on America's government-owned nature preserves, [...]The post National Park Service Begins Offering Annual Body-Dumping Pass appeared first on The Onion.

CHICAGO-Kicking himself as the condiment splattered all over his pristine meal, local man Scott Wilkinson reportedly expressed frustration Thursday after getting mustard on his brand-new hot dog.Son of a bitch, I just got this hot dog-how is it covered in mustard already?" said Wilkinson, dabbing the recently purchased frankfurter with a napkin and explaining that [...]The post Frustrated Man Gets Mustard All Over His New Hot Dog appeared first on The Onion.

A bit of cancer is a small price to pay for this charming bungalow in the 500-mile exclusion zone surrounding the site of a catastrophic nuclear meltdown. Reference #867530The post What's A Little Cesium-134? appeared first on The Onion.

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NEW YORK-Sharing new details aboutThe Life Of A Showgirl, pop superstar Taylor Swift revealed Monday that she wrote the forthcoming album while boyfriend Travis Kelce watchedFamily Guyin the background. From the first song to the last, he was there for the entire process, sprawled out on the couch with his mouth agape and his arm [...]The post Taylor Swift Details Writing New Album With Travis Kelce Watching Family Guy' In Background appeared first on The Onion.

Weapons, a new horror film from the director of Barbarian, topped the box office on its opening weekend. The Onion shares everything you need to know about the movie. Q. Why is the film called Weapons? A. The title Where Did The Kids Go? Find Out, Josh Brolin! didn't test well. Q: Is it scary? [...]The post What To Know About Weapons' appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Shedding new light on the widespread dissemination of misinformation, the Pew Research Center released a new poll Friday that found the majority of Americans still believe the greatest threat to public health is the Undertaker. More than 85% of U.S. adults stated they were extremely concerned' about the negative health impact the Deadman could have [...]The post Poll Finds Americans Still Believe Greatest Threat To Public Health The Undertaker appeared first on The Onion.

DAYTON, OH-In a tragic turn to what loved ones had expected to be a joyous day, family sources confirmed Tuesday that area woman Sandra McDowell's career had died in childbirth.We did everything we could to preserve the mother's job prospects, but sadly, she just lost too much employability for her career to survive," said obstetrician [...]The post Woman's Career Dies In Childbirth appeared first on The Onion.

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Yasmine Polk, 56, passed over the rainbow bridge last Friday, becoming the first non-pet to do so.The post Yasmine Polk appeared first on The Onion.

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President Donald Trump has claimed that crime is out of control" in the nation's capital and beyond. The Onion assesses the veracity of the president's claims. Claim: D.C. has endured a record amount of robberies. Partially true: Some places in Georgetown sell a cup of coffee for $9. Claim: Chicago, New York, and Los Angeles [...]The post Fact-Checking Trump On Crime appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-In an ambitious new effort targeting undocumented immigrants, theDepartment of Homeland Securityannounced this week that it wouldbegin offeringa $1,000 stipend to migrants who voluntarily self-destruct. If you are here illegally, the easiest, most cost-effective way to avoid arrest is by downloading the Customs and Border Patrol app, pressing the red button, and-after the the 10-second [...]The post DHSOffers$1,000 Stipend To Migrants Who Voluntarily Self-Destruct appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Hoping his upcoming meeting in Anchorage with Russian President Vladimir Putin will bring a much-needed change of pace, an exhausted President Donald Trump told reporters Thursday that a fun getaway with a murderous dictator is just what he's been needing. It's been a pretty busy year, so it'll be great to take a little summer [...]The post Fun Getaway With Murderous Dictator Just What Exhausted Trump Been Needing appeared first on The Onion.

LEAWOOD, KS-Staring at the email in bewilderment, Kansas City Chiefs tight end Travis Kelce reportedly received an invoice Thursday for girlfriend Taylor Swift's appearance on his podcast this week. Shit, she didn't mention anything about this," the 35-year-oldNew Heightsco-host said as he scrutinized the PDF file sent from Swift's personal email account, which in addition [...]The post Travis Kelce Receives Invoice For Girlfriend's Podcast Appearance appeared first on The Onion.

NEW YORK-Describing the city recently incorporated by SpaceX workers as ideal for those hoping to settle down and raise their employer's children, U.S. News & World Report published a new ranking this week that names Starbase, TX as the best city in which to start a family with one's boss.Across all metrics, we found there [...]The post Starbase Named Best City To Start Family With Boss appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-In an expression of outrage at the vice president for his perceived ineptitude and lack of principles, JD Vance was reportedly booed Monday by his own reflection in the mirror.You suck, you morally bankrupt prick! Go fuck yourself!" said Vance's mirror image, flipping off the vice president and claiming that he was a traitor to [...]The post JD Vance Booed By Own Reflection In Mirror appeared first on The Onion.