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by The Onion Staff on (#6WRP4)
The post Red Sox Fans Screaming Racial Slurs Throughout Mascot Race appeared first on The Onion.
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The Onion
| Link | https://theonion.com/ |
| Feed | https://www.theonion.com/rss |
| Updated | 2025-06-01 20:02 |
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by The Onion Staff on (#6WRP3)
WASHINGTON-Lifting up the hem of existence as she gestured for the kids to go within and explore, Melania Trump reportedly informed children visiting the White House on Sunday that she had hidden many Easter eggs behind the curtain of reality. Hurry inside, boys and girls, for there are many trinkets and treats to be found [...]The post Melania Trump Informs Visiting Children She Hid Many Easter Eggs Behind Curtain Of Reality appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6WRP2)
Experts recommend that every family keep a go bag," a portable survival kit packed with enough supplies to last at least three days in an emergency. The Onion shares tips for preparing a go bag of your own. A multitool, such as a Swiss Army knife, will come in handy when you need to laboriously [...]The post Tips For Packing A Go Bag' appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6WRVX)
VATICAN CITY-Landing in the emergency room after he ended his solemn Easter blessing by vomiting bright colors from a balcony onto the crowd in St. Peter's Square, His Holiness Pope Francis was admitted back into the hospital Sunday as a result of eating an entire bag of jelly beans. Ugh, no-I promised myself I'd just [...]The post Pope Francis Back In Hospital After Eating Entire Bag Of Jelly Beans appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6WQFF)
Four ant smugglers pleaded guilty after being caught by the Kenyan Wildlife Service attempting to sneak hundreds of giant African harvester ants out of the country, which are valued by some exotic animal dealers at over $200 each. What do you think?The post 4 Men Caught Smuggling Hundreds Of Ants appeared first on The Onion.
by The Onion Staff on (#6WQFG)
Colossal Biosciences claims it has brought back the dire wolf, a species that went extinct thousands of years ago, by editing the genes of gray wolves. The Onion examines the pros and cons of resurrecting extinct species. PRO: No other problems for science to tackle right now CON: Some of them are bugs PRO: New [...]The post Pros And Cons Of Bringing Back Extinct Species appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6WQFH)
The post Trump: The Only Gun Guy To Stop Bad Gun With Good Guy' appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6WQCZ)
Food scientists discovered that Postia stiptica, a type of mushroom found in the U.K. and Ireland, contains a chemical identified as the most bitter-tasting substance ever found. What do you think?The post Scientists Identify Most Bitter-Tasting Substance appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6WQD0)
SANTA FE, NM-Appearing visibly giddy as they released to the public a new barrage of information about the deceased couple's living conditions, personal lives, and private health issues, local authorities announced Friday that even they were not sure why they kept sharing details of Gene Hackman and his wife Betsy Arakawa's deaths. We have no [...]The post Even Investigators Not Sure Why They Keep Releasing Details Of Gene Hackman's Death appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6WQD1)
AUGUSTA, ME-In a stunning discovery that linked all 1.4 million residents to a grisly unsolved cold case, the U.S. Department of Justice escalated its attacks on Maine Friday when it allegedly planted a gun on the state. Well, well, well, what do we have here?" U.S. Attorney General Pam Bondi said as she held up [...]The post DOJ Plants Gun On Maine appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6WQ7S)
AMESVILLE, OH-Explaining that the tight-knit community was built upon a strong foundation of trust, residents of this small Midwestern locale told reporters Wednesday that their town was the kind where everyone leaves their chastity belts unlocked.Everybody knows everybody in a place this size, so when my father leaves he doesn't even bother to lock up [...]The post Small Town Kind Where Everyone Leaves Chastity Belts Unlocked appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6WQ7R)
NEW YORK-Revealing a concerning decades-long decline in academic achievement for the demographic, a New York University study published Monday found that handmade boy marionettes were falling behind their peers in school. When analyzing standardized test scores across elementary and middle school students, it's clear that little boy marionettes hand-carved out of wood are not keeping [...]The post Study Finds Handmade Boy Marionettes Falling Behind Peers In School appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6WQ7Q)
WASHINGTON-In an apparent effort to tamp down on recent speculation about their relationship, Barack and Michelle Obama reportedly showed off their vibrant marriage Friday by inviting the nation to join them in the boudoir. Obviously, there have been some rumors swirling around myself and Michelle, and we'd like to put that to rest by letting [...]The post Obamas Show Off Vibrant Marriage By Inviting Nation To Join Them In Boudoir appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6WQ7P)
Sammy Gertz, 41, passed away Tuesday while bravely fighting off a horde of restaurant patrons attempting to give her the Heimlich maneuver.The post Sammy Gertz appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6WPTZ)
EAST HANOVER, NJ-As part of the health secretary's highly publicized pledge to determine the cause of the disorder in the next five months, a wild-eyed Robert F. Kennedy Jr. reportedlyshouted Show me where autism is made!" Thursday while storming the Sour Patch Kid factory. Attention Sour Patch Factory people: Give me the autism and no [...]The post Show Me Where You Make Autism!' Shouts RFK Jr., Storming Sour Patch Kids Factory appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6WPR7)
The post Nation Can't Believe It On Harvard's Side appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6WPN5)
A curio shop owner was arrested and charged for allegedly selling genuine human remains" online, attempting to pass them off as educational models." What do you think?The post Woman Charged With Selling Human Bones On Facebook Marketplace appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6WPN6)
WASHINGTON-Completely mortified while watching the body part detach, Vice President JD Vance reportedly rushed Thursday to put his wife's head back on after fumbling the second lady. No, no, no, no!" cried out the 40-year-old vice president, who watched in shock and horror as Usha Vance's head slipped from his grasp and tumbled onto the [...]The post JD Vance Rushes To Put Wife's Head Back On After Fumbling Second Lady appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6WPN7)
NEW HAVEN, CT-Calling such concern for linguistic precision a clear indicator of a thriving country, a panel of historians from Yale University issued a statement Thursday announcing that quibbling over the exact definition of a concentration camp was a sign of a healthy society. Studies of the past tell us that nitpicking the particular semantics [...]The post Historians: Quibbling Over Exact Definition Of Concentration Camp Sign Of Healthy Society appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6WPH1)
CHICAGO-Stressing that the delicate subject should be broached sensitively and responsibly, parenting experts from the University of Chicago shared tips Thursday for talking to kids about being heir to the throne of a small European kingdom. Discovering their royal birthright as a small European nation's sovereign can be a rocky period in a child's life, [...]The post Parenting Experts Share Tips For Talking To Kids About Being Heir To Throne Of Small European Kingdom appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6WPH0)
CHICAGO-Unsure what to make of the perk that came bundled with his recently purchased device, area man David Halstead reported Tuesday that his new iPad offered three months of something called Apple Deli+.I just linked my iPad up to my Apple ID, and apparently my Meat Pass has been activated and I've been enrolled in [...]The post New iPad Offers 3 Months Of Something Called Apple Deli+ appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6WPGZ)
Since its construction in the late 18th century, this historic mansion has always been available to the highest bidder. Reference #19827The post Neoclassical Gem appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6WPGY)
Coachella, the annual music festival held at the Empire Polo Club in Indio, CA, has wrapped up the first of its two weekends. The Onion takes a look at the key facts and figures behind the event. $300: For MDMA that turned out to be fucking sugar pills 4: Fresh deer carcasses specified in Lady [...]The post Coachella By The Numbers appeared first on The Onion.
by The Onion Staff on (#6WP2M)
A man is in custody after scaling an iron security fence in the middle of the night, eluding police, and breaking into the Pennsylvania governor's mansion where he set a fire, claiming he would have attacked Governor Shapiro with a hammer if he happened upon him inside the residence. What do you think?The post Arsonist Sets Fire To Pennsylvania Governor's Mansion appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6WNMS)
WILMINGTON, DE-Adding to his streak of disagreeable behavior, 12-year-old nephew Cooper Goodpaster was reportedly in trouble for strangling again. Oh gosh, that's not good, is it?" said 38-year-old Zachary Goodpaster, the delinquent child's uncle, who was troubled upon receiving the news that his brother's oldest song had earned his third suspension for wrapping his hands [...]The post Nephew In Trouble For Strangling Again appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6WNMR)
ARLINGTON, VA-In an effort to ensure the continued safety of the almighty being, the U.S. Marshals Service confirmed Monday that God, He Who Created the Heavens and the Earth, has been placed into the Deity Protection Program after witnessing a grisly gangland murder. Federal agents said they were contacted at 3:47 a.m. by the Lord [...]The post God Placed Into Deity Protection Program After Witnessing Murder appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6WNMQ)
The newlyweds blew through $79,000 in a single day last Saturday, and no one tried to stop them.The post Alison Moore and Meghan Buress appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6WNMP)
David Eustice, 54, was found dead in his apartment. In lieu of flowers, please send a team of forensic crime scene technicians.The post David Eustice appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6WMPQ)
Gerald, we need to talk. None of this is going to be easy for you to hear, but the simple fact is that you've changed. I've tried ignoring that feeling, to grin and bear it like a good wife would, but I just can't pretend any longer: You're not the man I married. You're significantly [...]The post You're Not The Man I Married-You're Significantly More Attractive And Loving appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6WMPP)
TOADSTOOL VALE-To aid ongoing recovery efforts in mystical lands recently devastated by a moonbeam, singer and composer Bjork held a benefit concert Thursday in support of wilted sunflowers living in the mushroom forest.This next song goes out to this enchanted mushroom forest and all the drooping sunflowers who were affected by the orb of night's [...]The post Bjork Performs Benefit Concert For Wilted Sunflowers In Mushroom Forest appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6WMPN)
This two-dimensional, hand-painted set of a street corner in Washington Heights, Manhattan, comes from a recent local high school production of In The Heights. Reference #78125The post Experience The Charm Of The Barrio appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6WM8Q)
WASHINGTON-During a visit with President Donald Trump at the White House, El Salvador's president Nayib Bukele claimed Monday that he lacks the humanity" to return wrongly deported legal U.S. resident Kilmar Abrego Garcia back to America. How can I return an innocent man to the United States when I don't have the ability to feel [...]The post Salvadoran President Claims He Lacks Humanity To Return Wrongly Deported Man appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6WM65)
NEW YORK-Insisting he was keeping all avenues open as he explored his future, ESPN commentator Stephen A. Smith told reporters Monday that he still hasn't ruled out living a cushy life as a millionaire television personality with no responsibilities. Given the state of the country, I just feel like I have no choice but to [...]The post Stephen A. Smith Hasn't Ruled Out Living Cushy Life As Millionaire TV Personality With No Responsibilities appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6WM3A)
The post Paternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6WN3M)
A paper published in Royal Society Open Science found that many medieval book covers previously thought to be made from deer or boar skin were in fact made of sealskin. What do you think?The post Analysis Finds Many Medieval Books Bound With Seal Skin appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6WKXH)
MEDINA, OH-Speculating that the situation could be worth looking into at some point down the line, a report released Friday found that local wife Casey Davis, 37, hadn't been home in a few days.Huh, that's weird," said Nick Davis, who was quoted in the report and who looked from a television playing a rerun of [...]The post Report: Wife Hasn't Been Home In Few Days appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6WKXG)
EAST RUTHERFORD, NJ-In what the 41-year-old New York Jets quarterback described as a transformative experience," Aaron Rodgers confirmed Wednesday that he'd gone on an ayahuasca retreat in search of new interview anecdotes.When I first did ayahuasca, I knew immediately that I'd found something that I could talk about for hours on all types of media [...]The post Aaron Rodgers Goes On Ayahuasca Retreat In Search Of New Interview Anecdote appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6WKXF)
After months of feeling misunderstood and growing distant from each other, the couple put on a good show this weekend for their family and friends.The post Justin Gonzales and Hannah Ford appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6WKXE)
From bold color choices to intricate patterns, there are many ways to make your springtime holiday decorations stand out from the rest. The Onion shares tips for dyeing Easter eggs. Decide if you'll be doing impressionism, pointillism, or a blue one. Create a chromatic silver effect with a few tablespoons of liquid mercury. Get the [...]The post Tips For Decorating Easter Eggs appeared first on The Onion.
by The Onion Staff on (#6WM3B)
Basketball legend LeBron James became the first professional male athlete to have his likeness depicted in a Ken doll, with Mattel Inc. unveiling the figure to kick off the toy manufacturer's Kenbassador" series. What do you think?The post LeBron James Becomes First Male Athlete To Have Likeness Depicted In Ken Doll appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6WJJ0)
The post Ozempic User Explains How Weight Loss Changed The Way People Slapped Her Belly appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6WJJ1)
The post The Onion Cultural Standard: Yellowjackets appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6WJFB)
Scientists recently had the opportunity to taste a batch of space miso" fermented for 30 days aboard the International Space Station, noting it had a nuttier and more roasted quality than typical soybean paste made on Earth. What do you think?The post Researchers Taste Miso Fermented In Space appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6WJAF)
CHICAGO-Thousands of horrified Bulls fans reportedly gasped and shuddered Tuesday when a cartoon bagel tore his ACL in the jumbotron race, a gruesome injury that caused a hush to fall over the crowd at the United Center.Oh Jesus, Biggie Bagel just went down hard-I'm not sure he'll ever compete in another Dunkin' race after an [...]The post Hush Falls Over Crowd After Bagel Tears ACL In Jumbotron Race appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6WJAE)
The Trump administration has raised taxes on Chinese imports to 125% as the trade war continues to heat up. The Onion looks at the key facts and figures behind the president's tariffs. $3.2 billion: Market gains for bug-out bags 29: Turnips to be substituted into average American's weekly diet 1 in 3: Americans currently screaming [...]The post Trump's Tariffs By The Numbers appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6WJAD)
WASHINGTON-In an effort to help customers living in areas with little or no access to abortion care, Clearblue announced Monday that its pregnancy tests sold in the U.S. market would now come with a flight voucher in case the result was positive.Starting today, our home diagnostic products will include a generous $100 credit that can [...]The post New Clearblue Test Comes With Flight Voucher In Case Result Positive appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6WJAC)
The post Thirst Communion appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6WJAB)
Sarah Miller, 47, died happy when her claim that her son's erratic driving was going to get [them] all killed" was proven right.The post Sarah Miller appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6WHPK)
The U.S. Commerce Secretary defended the country's decision to impose tariffs on Heard and McDonald Islands, an uninhabited archipelago populated only by penguins and seals. What do you think?The post U.S. Imposes Tariffs On Remote Island Of Penguins And Seals appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6WHPM)
SARASOTA, FL-As part of an effort to expose the student body to a variety of cultural perspectives, the New College of Florida announced Thursday that it had invited English comedian and podcaster Russell Brand to teach a sexual assault workshop. Mr. Brand has an incredible range of experience he can share with both students and [...]The post Russell Brand Invited To Florida College To Teach Sexual Assault Workshop appeared first on The Onion.
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