 |
by The Onion Staff on (#74A6H)
LOS ANGELES-Claiming it was the only place he wanted to go after receiving one of Hollywood's highest honors, Academy Award winner for Best Live Action Short Film Jack Piatt celebrated Tuesday by taking his Oscar to his In-N-Out shift. When I heard our film get called, there was no question in my mind-I was going [...]The post Live Action Short Film Winner Celebrates By Taking Oscar To In-N-Out Shift appeared first on The Onion.
|
The Onion
| Link | https://theonion.com/ |
| Feed | https://www.theonion.com/rss |
| Updated | 2026-04-19 09:15 |
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#749Y3)
PIKEVILLE, KY-Speculating that a new path in life might improve his job prospects, unemployed man Ian Hampel, 36, told reporters Tuesday that he was considering going back to school to become an AI. I can see the writing on the wall: If I want to stay relevant in the workforce, I'm going to need to [...]The post Unemployed Man Considers Going Back To School To Become AI appeared first on The Onion.
|
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#749Y2)
DALLAS-Saying the decision had been reached following an extensive internal review of the company's boarding procedures, Southwest Airlines confirmed Tuesday that passengers would now be assigned chores ahead of time. There has always been a degree of chaos around passengers having to choose right as they're boarding how they're going to help keep the plane [...]The post Southwest Airlines Begins Assigning Chores appeared first on The Onion.
|
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#749Y1)
BURLINGTON, VT-Voicing appreciation for the fact that the boy's morbid obsession was at least getting him to read, local mom Hana Garrett confirmed Tuesday that everything her son Ethan got at the school book fair was about medieval torture again. Well, that's another $70 haul of books about breaking convicts on the wheel and dislocating [...]The post Everything Son Got At School Book Fair About Medieval Torture Again appeared first on The Onion.
|
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#749Y0)
QUANTICO, VA-Wincing as the bureau's director breathlessly staggered to his feet during their first training seminar with professional MMA athletes, a group of FBI agents reportedly watched in silence over the weekend as Kash Patel got his ass kicked by a UFC fighter. According to sources, the agents shifted uncomfortably on the sidelines of a [...]The post FBI Agents Watch In Silence As Kash Patel Gets Ass Kicked By UFC Fighter appeared first on The Onion.
|
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#749XZ)
The post Beautiful Dream About Blowing Own Brains Out Interrupted By Work Alarm appeared first on The Onion.
|
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#749XY)
The post Stephen Miller Assures Susie Wiles He Has Fridge Full Of Healthy Human Breasts appeared first on The Onion.
|
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#749XX)
Jeremy Stark, 48, passed away Thursday following a long battle with God.The post Jeremy Stark appeared first on The Onion.
|
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#749GP)
LEAWOOD, KS-Groaning at the thought of having to be somewhere on the weekend,TravisKelce was reportedly feeling bummed Monday after he learned fianceeTaylor Swifthad signedhimupfor theNFLagain. She says sticking with it will teach me responsibility and discipline, but I know what she really wants is to just get me out of the house," said the 36-year-old [...]The post Travis Kelce Bummed Fiancee Signed Him Up For NFL Again appeared first on The Onion.
|
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#749GQ)
WASHINGTON-In a bid to regain access to the sea passage through which ships enter the Persian Gulf, President Donald Trump ordered staff to get the King of Hormuz on the line, White House sources confirmed Monday. Put me on with the royal leader of Hormuz, ASAP-I need to convince him to reopen his water," said [...]The post Trump Demands Staff Get King Of Hormuz On Line appeared first on The Onion.
|
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#749EC)
HIDDEN HILLS, CA-Expressing her steadfast devotion to the Hollywood star, media personality Kylie Jenner was gushing to reporters Monday over her partner, Michael B. Jordan. He's handsome, he's talented, and he's great with my kids," said the 28-year-old Jenner, who described the connection she had with theSinnersstar as unbreakable" and unmatched." Celebrating his Oscar win [...]The post Kylie Jenner Gushes Over Partner Michael B. Jordan appeared first on The Onion.
|
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#749ED)
WASHINGTON-Alarmed at the shocking lapse in protocol that nearly resulted in disaster, a shaken President Donald Trump ordered his security presence beefed up Monday following a frighteningly close brush with JD Vance. How's a guy like that even allowed to enter the same building as me, let alone get within handshaking distance?" said Trump, adding [...]The post Trump Beefs Up Security Presence After Frighteningly Close Brush With JD Vance appeared first on The Onion.
|
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#749BR)
Originally a Catholic feast day for the patron saint of Ireland, St. Patrick's Day has evolved into a global celebration of Irish heritage and culture. The Onion presents a historical timeline of the holiday. 432 A.D. St. Patrick kicks all the snakes out of Ireland for failing to meet the three-drink minimum. 521 St. Brigid [...]The post History Of St. Patrick's Day appeared first on The Onion.
|
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#7496D)
KALISPELL, MT-Presenting a united front in their carefully timed effort, friends and coworkers announced plans Monday to gang up on local depressed man Alberto Rivas right when he felt at his worst. We're all coordinating with each other to ensure that at the precise moment he thinks he's hit rock bottom, things actually get even [...]The post Friends, Coworkers Announce Plan To Gang Up On Depressed Man Right When He Feels Worst appeared first on The Onion.
|
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#7496C)
GREENVILLE, NC-Touting the contest as his most exciting competition to date, internet personality Jimmy MrBeast" Donaldson reportedly offered $50,000 Monday to anyone who could survive seeing what lies beneath his mask. I have an awesome new challenge today for anyone who can peek under my face and behold my true form without perishing," said the [...]The post MrBeast Offers $50,000 To Anyone Who Can Survive Seeing What Lies Beneath His Mask appeared first on The Onion.
|
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#7496B)
Every year, dozens are killed and many more injured in the avalanches that surge down mountains nationwide. Here's ways to avoid an untimely death by snow. Check God's Wrath Level Before Heading Out: If forecasts indicate He's angry with you, it's best to stay in. Get Ready: To help ensure you are prepared, try getting [...]The post How To Survive An Avalanche appeared first on The Onion.
|
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#7496A)
In Kansas, 1,700 residents had their driver's licenses invalidated for being transgender, with the law also invalidating birth certificates for those who updated their gender markers. What do you think?The post Kansas Revokes 1,700 Licenses For Being Transgender appeared first on The Onion.
|
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#748VY)
The post Good Oscars, Good Oscars,' Repeat Nominees In Forced Post-Ceremony Handshake Line appeared first on The Onion.
|
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#748V2)
LOS ANGELES-Waving his arms wildly over his head and yelling as part of an apparent effort to attract attention, actor Joel Edgerton was reportedly going nuts Sunday in hopes of getting on the Academy Awards jumbotron. Over here, over here!" said the 51-year-oldTrain Dreamsstar, who leapt from his seat and cried out upon spotting a [...]The post Joel Edgerton Going Nuts In Hopes Of Getting On Oscars Jumbotron appeared first on The Onion.
|
by The Onion Staff on (#748V3)
LOS ANGELES-After flouting rules put in place to protect decorum at the Academy's biggest night, actor Timothee Chalamet was reportedly kicked out of the Oscars ceremony Sunday evening for bringing in an outside award. Hey, wait, I promise I won't take it out during the show," said the 30-year-old Marty Supreme star, who was seen [...]The post Timothee Chalamet Kicked Out Of Oscars For Bringing In Outside Award appeared first on The Onion.
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#7481B)
A survey from West Health-Gallup found that nearly one in 10 adults say they've postponed retirement because of healthcare costs, with many respondents also reporting delaying job changes, home buying, or having a child. What do you think?The post Poll: Nearly 1 In 10 Adults Have Postponed Retirement Due To Healthcare Costs appeared first on The Onion.
|
|
by The Onion Staff on (#747QN)
The British Parliament voted to end centuries of political tradition by removing hereditary aristocrats from its unelected House of Lords, ousting dozens of dukes, earls, and viscounts who inherited their seats along with their aristocratic titles. What do you think?The post Britain Ejects Hereditary Nobles From Parliament After 700 Years appeared first on The Onion.
|
by The Onion Staff on (#747QP)
WASHINGTON-Saying critics of the missile strike that killed at least 175 civilians were dodging a fundamental question,Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth on Friday demanded to know what girls were doing attending school to begin with. In all this talk about who was responsible and how this happened, are we just going to ignore the fact that [...]The post Pete Hegseth Questions What Girls Were Doing In School To Begin With appeared first on The Onion.
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#747NA)
The post U.S. Suffers Additional Casualties In War It Won Last Week appeared first on The Onion.
|
|
by The Onion Staff on (#747JT)
Uber launched a feature that allows both women riders and drivers across the U.S. to be exclusively matched with other women for trips, expanding a pilot program intended to address safety concerns. What do you think?The post Uber Introduces Women-Only Option Nationwide appeared first on The Onion.
|
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#747JV)
WASHINGTON-Further fueling speculation that the commander-in-chief might have undisclosed medical conditions, rumors regarding President Trump's health swirled Friday after he screamed, Fuck! I'm dying!" during a press conference. Fuck! I'm fucking dying! Oh God, it hurts! Ahhhhhhh!" Trump said in response to a question about the ongoing war in Iran, sparking fervent discussion among Beltway [...]The post Health Speculations Swirl After Trump Screams, Fuck! I'm Dying!' appeared first on The Onion.
|
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#747DJ)
The 98th Academy Awards will take place March 15 at the Dolby Theater. The Onion examines the 10 contenders in this year's Best Picture race. Bugonia Synopsis: A conspiracy theorist attempts to uncover a CEO's sinister plot that is oddly devoid of pedophiles. Defining Line: Prepare to be bald, idiot!" Prospects: Slim, but they said [...]The post The Onion's 2026 Oscars Best Picture Guide appeared first on The Onion.
|
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#747DH)
WASHINGTON-Whimpering at the butter knife clutched in his brother's hand, a wincing Donald Trump Jr. reportedly shouted Do it!" Wednesday as he and Eric Trump prepared to cut off their hair to avoid a U.S. military draft. Come on, Eric, do it quick, before I change my mind," said Donald Jr., who squeezed his eyes [...]The post Do It!' Shout Wincing Trump Boys Cutting Off Hair To Avoid Draft appeared first on The Onion.
|
by The Onion Staff on (#747DG)
LOS ANGELES-In a discovery many have hailed as a milestone in the field, a new study published Friday by scientists at the University of California, Los Angeles, found that humans likely developed opposable thumbs to signal all good" to their buddies after falling off the roof. New evidence suggests hominids first evolved this movable appendage [...]The post Study: Humans Evolved Opposable Thumbs To Signal All Good' To Buddies After Falling Off Roof appeared first on The Onion.
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#747DF)
MONTREAL-Admitting that he initially felt a little shy about storing his toiletries there, former Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau told reporters Friday that he was finally comfortable enough to keep an extra jar of his brown face paint at girlfriend Katy Perry's house. Things have gotten pretty serious between us, and having my own race [...]The post Justin Trudeau Finally Comfortable Enough To Keep Brown Face Paint At Katy Perry's appeared first on The Onion.
|
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#747DE)
James Talarico is the Democratic nominee for U.S. Senate in Texas. The Onion shares everything you need to know about the rising star. Age: Whippersnapper Inspirational Backstory: Survived several hours talking to Joe Rogan Religion: Oh yeah, lots of that Key Endorsements: God (Presbyterian), God (Catholic), God (Jewish), and God (Sikh) Level On Grant-Rogers Folksiness [...]The post Political Profile: James Talarico appeared first on The Onion.
|
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#747DD)
The post Horse Cast As Horse In Live Action Tangled' Remake appeared first on The Onion.
|
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#747DC)
You bring a bunch of kittens into this world, you gotta do what's right.The post Oreo and Binx appeared first on The Onion.
|
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#746YM)
WASHINGTON-In a heated exchange that laid bare a growing schism at the highest levels of Republican leadership, President Donald Trump and Sen. Mitch McConnell (R-KY) reportedly clashed in the Oval Office Thursday over the question of where they were, with McConnell insisting they were at church and Trump maintaining with increasing irritation that they were [...]The post Trump, Mitch McConnell Clash In Oval Office Over Where They Are appeared first on The Onion.
|
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#746WF)
The post Lakers Fans Furious As Bam Adebayo Dies In Even Worse Helicopter Crash appeared first on The Onion.
|
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#746WG)
MILWAUKEE-Accusing the actress of a grotesque act that showed profound insensitivity, Kate Hudson found herself under fire Thursday for performing in Wisconsinface for her most recent film,Song Sung Blue.It's so insulting to see someone who's obviously never been anywhere near cheese curds or a Friday night fish fry do this hurtful caricatureof us," said Kenosha [...]The post Kate Hudson Under Fire For Doing Wisconsinface In Song Sung Blue' appeared first on The Onion.
|
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#746WH)
WASHINGTON-Maintaining that his conduct was well within the guidelines for the solemn occasion, President Trump on Thursday defended his decision to wear a fruit hat while samba dancing during the dignified transfer of soldiers killed in Iran. There's no reason I can't honor the sacrifice of these brave men and women while wearing a headdress [...]The post Trump Defends Wearing Fruit Hat, Samba Dancing During Dignified Transfer appeared first on The Onion.
|
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#746KF)
Harry Styles has released Kiss All the Time. Disco, Occasionally, his fourth studio album. The pop star sat down with The Onion to explain the meaning behind each track. Aperture": I typed hole' into powerthesaurus.com." American Girls": My favorite is Samantha, but Kit is a very close second." What Makes You Beautiful": I hope Kobalt [...]The post Harry Styles Breaks Down His New Album Track By Track appeared first on The Onion.
|
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#746KG)
WASHINGTON-Claiming their mind was solely occupied by the hope of curling up in a ball and sleeping as long as they were allowed, the entire U.S. populace told reporters Thursday they lacked the strength to form an opinion on Donald Glover's casting as the voice of Yoshi in The Super Mario Galaxy Movie. At some [...]The post Exhausted Nation Lacks Strength To Form Opinion On Donald Glover Being Voice Of Yoshi appeared first on The Onion.
|
by The Onion Staff on (#746KH)
The post Fiery Explosion Erupts In L.A. Canyon After Britney Spears Twirls Over Guardrail appeared first on The Onion.
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#746G8)
NEW YORK-In a recorded discussion posted to the newspaper's YouTube channel, opinion columnists forThe New York Timesreportedly held a roundtable Thursday to determine what, exactly, was wrong with them. It is a tragedy that there is something wrong with us; it is a larger tragedy we have not yet been able to pinpoint what precisely [...]The post NY Times' Columnists Hold Roundtable To Determine What's Wrong With Them appeared first on The Onion.
|
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#746G7)
NASHUA, NH-Suddenly breaking his silence to extol the virtues of the decades-old HBO series, local dad Henry Breckner reportedly ended a 17-minute lapse in conversation Thursday by saying Deadwood-now that's a great show." What made Bullock such a great character was that he had a fierce temper, but also a strong sense of justice, which [...]The post Deadwood-Now That's A Great Show,' Says Dad After 17-Minute Lapse In Conversation appeared first on The Onion.
|
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#746G6)
WASHINGTON-Positioning pubic hair as the body's natural bulwark against urethral intrusions, Health Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. urged Americans Thursday to grow as many pubes as possible to keep bugs from crawling into their cockholes. Pubes are the strongest type of hair there is, with tensile strength exceeding that of steel, and they serve as [...]The post RFK Jr. Urges Americans To Grow Lots Of Pubes To Keep Bugs From Crawling In Cockhole appeared first on The Onion.
|
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#746G5)
The post Still Supreme! Iran's New Supreme Leader Ayatollah Mojtaba Khamenei On Faith, Fitness, And Supremely Good Sex After 50 appeared first on The Onion.
|
 |
|
by The Onion Staff on (#745TJ)
According to a research paper, an AI agent went rogue and started mining cryptocurrencies, the surprise behavior triggering security alarms that autonomous bots could use cryptocurrency as a pathway into the economy without any explicit instruction and, more troublingly, outside the bounds of the intended sandbox." What do you think?The post AI Agent Begins Mining Crypto After Freeing Self appeared first on The Onion.
|
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#745TK)
NEW BEDFORD, MA-Expressing deep gratitude to find himself surrounded by those so dear to his heart, local crab Dan Herscher told reporters Wednesday that he was just happy to be in a bucket with all his friends. Yes, sir, there's nothing better than hanging out in a plastic bucket and clambering all over a couple [...]The post Crab Just Happy To Be In Bucket With All His Friends appeared first on The Onion.
|
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#745TM)
WASHINGTON-In a chaotic scene that left motorists confused and alarmed, witnesses along Interstate 495 reported Tuesday that President Donald Trump was seen wandering pantsless on the shoulder of the freeway, holding a ceremonial sword straight out in front of him, and asking passing drivers, Which way is Iran?" Woman! Tell me if Iran is to [...]The post Which Way Is Iran?' Asks Pantsless, Sword-Wielding Trump Wandering On Side Of Freeway appeared first on The Onion.
|
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#745MV)
WASHINGTON-Scratching his chin as he appeared to search for the right words, Vice President JD Vance reportedly struggled to articulate Wednesday what exactly it was that he didn't love about the baby name Rohit." I like where you're going with it for sure, it's just, uh, I was thinking we'd go with something a little [...]The post JD Vance Struggling To Articulate What It Is He Doesn't Love About Baby Name Rohit' appeared first on The Onion.
|
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#745MT)
Tommy's parents are on a trip up north somewhere, so he's inviting the whole class over to open his dad's liquor cabinet. You in? Reference #15937The post Tommy's Parents Are Out Of Town, Let's Party appeared first on The Onion.
|