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by The Onion Staff on (#6YFJY)
CANYON LAKE, TX-Remarking that the 3-year-old didn't even come close to stealing the show at a recent family wedding, witnesses reported Monday that they were unimpressed when a completely charmless flower girl walked directly down the aisle. Sure, she did her job, but she utterly failed to delight us with any adorable toddling, spinning, or [...]The post Completely Charmless Flower Girl Walks Directly Down Aisle appeared first on The Onion.
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The Onion
| Link | https://theonion.com/ |
| Feed | https://www.theonion.com/rss |
| Updated | 2025-08-16 17:47 |
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by The Onion Staff on (#6YE2B)
SAN DIEGO-Following a surprise restaurant raid Friday in which dozens of employees were taken into custody, witnesses reported that on top of everything else, the Immigration and Customs Enforcement agents responsible for the violent arrests had the gall to leave a negative review. It takes a lot of nerve to complain about slow service after [...]The post ICE Has Gall To Leave Raided Restaurant Negative Review appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6YE2A)
New Zealand singer-songwriter Lorde has released Virgin, her fourth studio album. The Onion sat down with the artist to discuss identity, inspiration, and what's next. The Onion: How has your music evolved as you've gotten older? Lorde: When I was younger I was really intimidated by the black keys on the piano, but now I [...]The post The Onion's Exclusive Interview With Lorde appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6YE29)
Researchers in China claim that swarms of medical nano-robots the size of a speck of dust could someday be used to clean out infected human sinuses after successfully testing the technology in the nasal cavities of animals. What do you think?The post Study Finds Tiny Nose Robots Can Be Used To Clean Sinuses appeared first on The Onion.
by The Onion Staff on (#6YDJH)
King Charles will retire the royal train," a private rail line established in 1840 to transport members of the royal family across Britain, in an attempt to modernize the monarchy and cut down on costs. What do you think?The post Royal Train To Be Decommissioned appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6YDDQ)
President Donald Trump's budget megabill is in the House of Representatives after being narrowly passed by the Senate. Here are the key items in The One Big Beautiful Bill Act." Funding for something called The Facility." Smaller, phone booth-sized detention boxes on every American street corner. Coupon for buy two get one free" 12-packs of [...]The post What's In Trump's Big Beautiful Bill appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6YDAJ)
CHICAGO-Emphasizing the constraints of God's healing hands, a new study published Thursday in the Journal Of The American Medical Association found that the curative power of prayer was limited exclusively to genital warts. Our data revealed that while people attempt to cure a host of medical conditions by praying, the only ailment it was shown [...]The post Study Finds Curative Power Of Prayer Limited To Genital Warts appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6YDAH)
The post The Onion's Summer Box Office Preview appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6YDAG)
The post Stephen Miller Informed Wife Will Be Working Late On Baby For Elon Again appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6YCVW)
LOS ANGELES-Revealing new details about the highly anticipated film, actor and producer Jared Leto teased Wednesday that the villain in Tron: Ares would be a teenage girl who lies for attention. If you thought Clu was scary in the last film, just wait until you meet Kaylee," said Leto, who shared that the antagonist would [...]The post Jared Leto Teases Tron: Ares' Villain Will Be Teen Girl Who Lies For Attention appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6YCVX)
The post Satellite Images Reveal Drunk Father Stockpiling Fireworks appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6YCPJ)
Tinder is rolling out a mandatory Face Check feature in California, prompting users to undergo a biometric face scan to verify their identity before they can use the app. What do you think?The post Tinder To Require Face Verification For New Users appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6YCFX)
SILVER SPRING, MD-Issuing a public warning for Americans to watch or they might miss out, the U.S. Food and Drug Administration reportedly recalled three navel oranges Wednesday to prove that they could juggle. Toss 'em here," said spokesperson John Lavietes, adding that American consumers who had recently purchased navel, Valencia, or blood oranges should not [...]The post FDA Recalls 3 Oranges To Prove They Can Juggle appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6YCFW)
WASHINGTON-Highlighting a growing wealth gap nationwide, the Pew Research Center published a report Wednesday that revealed the average American's plan for retirement now involves Richard Gere falling for them after paying for sex. Our findings suggest that the vast majority of people are now hinging their retirement on Mr. Gere spotting them on the street, [...]The post Report: Average American's Retirement Plan Involves Richard Gere Falling For Them After Paying For Sex appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6YCFV)
NEW YORK-Calling it a historic moment" in women's basketball history, the WNBA announced Wednesday that the league would expand into three more cities as its Caitlin Clark cloning experiment neared completion. Soon, Cleveland, Detroit, and Philadelphia will reap the rewards of our effort to bioengineer several perfect replicas of Caitlin Clark," said WNBA commissioner Cathy [...]The post WNBA To Expand Into 3 More Cities As Caitlin Clark Cloning Experiment Nears Completion appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6YCFT)
The post Dad Carrying 2-Person Inner Tube Up Waterslide Steps Like Christ Bearing Cross appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6YC0T)
Cold plunges, also known as ice baths, are an increasingly popular wellness trend. The Onion examines the myths and facts surrounding cold plunges. MYTH: Cold plunges are only for celebrities and athletes. FACT: They're also for people easily influenced by them. MYTH: People with heart conditions should avoid cold plunges. FACT: People who hate cold [...]The post Cold Plunges: Myth Vs. Fact appeared first on The Onion.
by The Onion Staff on (#6YC0V)
Windows will no longer display the operating system's infamous blue screen of death" when something goes wrong, removing the signature frowning face that accompanied the crash notice in favor of a shorter message and plain black screen. What do you think?The post Windows To Phase Out Blue Screen Of Death' appeared first on The Onion.
by The Onion Staff on (#6YC0W)
The post Tesla Robotaxi Keeps Changing Subject To White Genocide appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6YBVG)
ATLANTA-Reminding you that the views expressed in the show serve as a reflection of your own depravity, a disclaimer that aired Tuesday at the beginning of TLC's 1000-Lb Sisters stated that something is very wrong with you for watching this. WARNING: The following episode speaks to the deeply and irrevocably messed up part of your [...]The post 1000-Lb Sisters' Episode Begins With Disclaimer That Something Wrong With You For Watching appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6YBVH)
WASHINGTON-Stressing that it would be simplest to troubleshoot now during the onboarding process for his company's surveillance technology, Palantir founder Peter Thiel reportedly spent Tuesday morning showing President Donald Trump how to sort a spreadsheet of Americans by ethnicity. So what's neat is that you can just do command-shift-E and rank every single resident from [...]The post Peter Thiel Shows Trump How To Sort Spreadsheet Of Americans By Ethnicity appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6YBRV)
The post Harrison Ford Glares With Exhaustion As Disney Pitches Resurrecting Han Solo With Cybernetic Torso appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6YBRT)
LONDON-Receiving the warning shortly after first-round matches got underway at Wimbledon, tennis player Daniil Medvedev was issued a code violation Monday for an un-British display of emotion.Code violation, Medvedev, for verbally expressing frustration," said chair umpire Oliver Gladwin-Taylor, reminding both players that they must keep things stoic" after Medvedev audibly sighed and slightly shook his [...]The post Wimbledon Player Issued Violation For Un-British Display Of Emotion appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6YB7N)
Midwestern corn crops are releasing vast amounts of moisture into the air, known as corn sweat", which, combined with rising temperatures and expanded planting, is fueling increasingly sticky summer humidity. What do you think?The post Sweaty Corn Making Summer More Humid appeared first on The Onion.
by The Onion Staff on (#6YB7P)
While it can be fun to spend the summer days outdoors with your furry friends, it's important to remember that animals are highly susceptible to the dangers of extreme temperatures. Here are The Onion's tips for keeping your pets safe in hot weather. Make sure they only wear loose, cotton fur. Limit their alcohol intake. [...]The post Tips For Keeping Pets Safe In Hot Weather appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6YB57)
WASHINGTON-In a provocative 6-3 decision, the Supreme Court ruled Monday that everyone's a damn critic these days. It is this court's opinion that apparently everyone has their own ideas about how this court should operate and is not shy about sharing their views-even when no one asks," Chief Justice John Roberts wrote in his 10-page [...]The post Supreme Court Rules 6-3 That Everyone A Damn Critic appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6YAZM)
North Korea is opening a beach resort that its leader Kim Jong-Un hopes will boost tourism in the secretive communist regime. What do you think?The post North Korea Opens Beach Resort appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6YAWH)
MADISON, WI-Warning that each new iteration of dummy seems to be more witless than the last, a team of scientists at the University of Wisconsin stated Monday that they were no closer to uncovering where their friend Lisa Pullman finds these bozos. Despite years of extensive research, we still lack even a rudimentary understanding of [...]The post Scientists No Closer To Uncovering Where Friend Finds These Bozos appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6YAWG)
CAMBRIDGE, MA-Taking a deep breath and straightening his back, Yo-Yo Ma finally worked up the courage to tell his parents that he was quitting cello, sources confirmed Friday. Mom, Dad, this is it-I quit," said Ma, who exhaled and then winced as his parents immediately reacted to the consequential words by simultaneously exclaiming But you [...]The post Yo-Yo Ma Finally Works Up Courage To Tell Parents He Quitting Cello appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6YAWF)
GENEVA-Saying frost-covered courts heralded a new direction for the sport, officials from the Geneva Open defended Monday their decision to hold a tennis tournament on ice.The state-of-the-art ice courts at the Tennis Club de Geneve will allow for more strategic play as athletes try to avoid slipping and falling while serving, returning, or even just [...]The post Geneva Open Introduces Ice Courts appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6YA8P)
The post Closeted Pride Parade Takes Place In Garage appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6Y9GR)
LOS ANGELES-Coinciding with a spike in interest in cars and moving fast, a trend report published Friday by Edmunds Research confirmed that driving was surging in popularity thanks to Apple's new film F1. F1 has really pushed driving into the forefront of culture, and now it's having a moment," said report co-author Jared Eash, who [...]The post Driving Surges In Popularity Thanks To F1' Film appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6Y9GS)
Nearly 150 people were jabbed with syringes during a street music festival in France, with authorities having arrested at least 12 suspects. What do you think?The post Over 100 People Jabbed With Syringes At French Music Festival appeared first on The Onion.
by The Onion Staff on (#6Y9E6)
The post Zohran Mamdani: Some New Yorkers Say They Can Imagine Him With A Big Cape And Devil Horns appeared first on The Onion.
by The Onion Staff on (#6Y9E7)
Millions of Americans will celebrate Independence Day with fireworks this year, though the legality of the explosives varies throughout the country. The Onion examines the pros and cons of banning fireworks. PRO Kites can take their rightful place as sovereigns of the sky Medical fireworks still available through firework dispensaries No reason to visit Indiana [...]The post Pros And Cons Of Banning Fireworks appeared first on The Onion.
New ‘The Bear’ Season Features Mutant Carmy Terrorizing Chicago After Falling Into Vat Of Beef Juice
by The Onion Staff on (#6Y9BP)
CHICAGO-With the fourth season of the hit FX show now streaming, viewers reportedly tuned into new episodes of The Bear Wednesday and watched a mutant Carmen Berzatto terrorize Chicago after falling into a vat of beef juice. This year we decided to go in a different direction with Carmy, who has up until now been [...]The post New The Bear' Season Features Mutant Carmy Terrorizing Chicago After Falling Into Vat Of Beef Juice appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6Y969)
ST. PETERSBURG, FL-Noting that the change in status was disconcerting and weird for everyone involved, family sources released a report Thursday confirming that it would never feel right seeing Dad in the backseat of the car. It's just wrong to look in the rearview mirror and see Dad sitting back there like a little kid," [...]The post Report: It Will Never Feel Right Seeing Dad In Backseat Of Car appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6Y968)
GETTYSBURG, PA-Following a fourth chorus of Kingdom Coming," fellow participants sternly reminded local Civil War reenactor Christopher Geary that this was not his personal fife recital, frustrated sources confirmed Friday. This is the Battle of Gettysburg, not the Christopher Geary Music Hour!" said Frank Mercer, 54, who portrayed Gen. George Meade and had already told [...]The post Civil War Reenactor Reminded This Not His Personal Fife Recital appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6Y967)
WASHINGTON-Citing extensive research he had conducted on the matter, Health and Human Services Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. issued a statement Friday claiming that vaccines were no more effective than drinking horseshoe crab blood straight. Despite the lofty promises of pharmaceutical companies, there's simply no evidence to suggest that vaccines provide more immunological benefit than [...]The post RFK Jr.: Vaccines No More Effective Than Drinking Horseshoe Crab Blood Straight appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6Y8S5)
Karate Kid actor and Cobra Kai star Martin Kove was asked to leave a fan convention after biting co-star Alicia Hannah-Kim so hard during a VIP meet-and-greet that he nearly drew blood, claiming that he was being playful in the moment but went too far." What do you think?The post Cobra Kai Actor Accused Of Biting Co-Star appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6Y8PQ)
EAU CLAIRE, WI-Massaging their stiff shoulders and necks while remarking that they wish they'd known how good they had it when they were your age, slightly older sources reported Thursday that if you think your body feels bad now, just you wait. Hoo boy, you might think things hurt already, but buckle up, because this [...]The post Slightly Older Sources Report If You Think Body Feels Bad Now, Just Wait appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6Y8PR)
NEW YORK-Shaking a logo-emblazoned cap enticingly over his head, a defense attorney for Sean Diddy" Combs' reportedly tossed jurors Ciroc-branded swag during closing statements Thursday in the 55-year-old music mogul's racketeering and sex-trafficking trial. All right, who wants a free towel?" lawyer Marc Agnifilo said as the men and women of the jury immediately clamored [...]The post Diddy Lawyer Tosses Jury Ciroc Swag During Closing Statement appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6Y8PS)
Love Island USA is in the midst of its seventh season. The Onion shares everything you need to know about the reality dating series. Q: What are the couples competing for? A: The forever-out-of-reach approval of a distant or absent authority figure. Q: What happens to contestants who get eliminated? A: They are chemically castrated. [...]The post What To Know About Love Island USA' appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6Y8KJ)
WOODBINE, NJ-Saying the man's behavior and temperament had helped him excel in a difficult environment, sources confirmedThursday that every trait disqualifying ICE agent Jake Clements from previous jobs had made him ideal for his current role. Several reports indicated the 29-year-old high school graduate, who had been dismissed from numerous past positions in food service [...]The post Every Trait Disqualifying ICE Agent From Previous Jobs Ideal For Current One appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6Y8AD)
The post Critics Praise Benson Boone Album As Finite appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6Y7MM)
Firefighters had to rescue a man who got stuck in the chimney of a Connecticut parks building while attempting to retrieve his dog from a bathroom when the doors automatically locked for the night. What do you think?The post Man Gets Stuck In Chimney While Trying To Rescue Dog Trapped In Building appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6Y7MN)
Jeff Bezos, Amazon founder and the world's second richest man, wed his fiance Lauren Sanchez in a lavish, multi-day ceremony this week in Venice, Italy. The Onion examines the facts and figures behind the event. 4,976: Number of Amazon fulfillment center workers who fainted on the job to make this possible 25: Yacht pileup in [...]The post Jeff Bezos' Italian Wedding By The Numbers appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6Y7HA)
The post Andrew Cuomo Subpoenas Gynecological Records Of Women Who Didn't Vote For Him appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6Y7HB)
VENICE, ITALY-Smiling at the couple's lighthearted twist on a traditional ring bearer, guests at the wedding of Jeff Bezos and Lauren Sanchez were reportedly delighted this week by the sight of an Amazon worker with a ring tied to his collar crawling down the aisle. Oh my gosh, my heart is melting-such a good boy," [...]The post Bezos Wedding Guests Delighted By Amazon Worker With Ring Tied To Collar Crawling Down Aisle appeared first on The Onion.
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