The Onion

The American Red Cross warned that a critical shortage of blood could prevent those needing life-saving transfusions from getting them, urging donations from everyone eligible to give. What do you think?The post Red Cross Warns Blood Supply Alarmingly Low appeared first on The Onion.

SANTA MONICA, CA-Stating that they were looking forward to another spectacular and soul-stirring awards ceremony in February, the Recording Academy confirmed Friday that the list of artists not boycotting the Grammys was down to Meghan Trainor, Susan Boyle, and Sugar Ray. While we are disappointed that some musicians have declined to participate, we could not [...]The post Report: Artists Not Boycotting Grammys Down To Meghan Trainor, Susan Boyle, Sugar Ray appeared first on The Onion.

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Spider-Man: Brand New Day opens in theaters this weekend. The Onion shares everything you need to know about the new film. Q: What's the premise? A: The premise"? Easy there, college boy. It's a Spider-Man movie. You can leave your notebook at home. Q: Which comic book is it based on? A: The Spectacular Tom [...]The post What To Know About Spider-Man: Brand New Day' appeared first on The Onion.

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PHILADELPHIA-In a 4,500-word essay published in Harper's Magazine, Emily Wilson, known for her popular translation of the Minions epic poem, blasted the latest film Thursday as a sexless, bloodless" adaptation. The first line of my translation is Tell me about a kooky Minion,' but the Minions in director Pierre Coffin's film-who has said in at [...]The post Translator Of Original Minions' Epic Poem Slams Sexless, Bloodless' Film Adaptation appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Accusing the physician of not being straight with the American people,an often hostileHomeland Security and Governmental Affairs Committeethis week interrogated Anthony Fauci over the origins of a pie he brought to a recent cookout. You previously stated that you baked the pie yourself from scratch and yet here, under oath, you refuse to list a [...]The post Congress Interrogates Fauci Over Origins Of Pie Brought To Cookout appeared first on The Onion.

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HOLCOMB, KS-Confused and even disturbed at the sight of a new employee who recently appeared on the processing line,workers atlocalmeatpacking plant Carlyle Foods confirmed Thursday that they were weirded out by the presence of a guy older than 16. I'm segmenting this carcass with a band saw when Isee this dude by the offal separator [...]The post Meatpacking Plant Workers Weirded Out By Guy Older Than 16 appeared first on The Onion.

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A new poll found that 49% of Americans believe the U.S. should arrest Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu, compared with 27% who do not and 23% who are unsure. The Onion examines the pros and cons of enforcing the ICC warrant. PRO Could boost interest in ICC ahead of big fall pledge drive Might find [...]The post Pros And Cons Of Arresting Netanyahu appeared first on The Onion.

An AI agent from OpenAI went rogue during testing and launched a multi-step cyberattack against popular AI platform Hugging Face, marking an alarming development of artificial intelligence actively disobeying parameters. What do you think?The post Rogue AI Agent Autonomously Carries Out Cyberattack appeared first on The Onion.

NEW YORK-Arguing that the country artist's hairstyle was damaging the value of her own well-established signature look, pop star Taylor Swift filed a lawsuit Wednesday accusing Ella Langley of bangs infringement. Ms. Langley's shaggy curtain bangs are clearly a direct copy of Swift's Lover-era hair," Swift's attorney Douglas Baldridge wrote in the court filing, which [...]The post Taylor Swift Sues Ella Langley For Bangs Infringement appeared first on The Onion.

HOUSTON-Instituting the health mandate in order to ensure proper acclimation to the reduced gravity of Earth's only natural satellite, NASA officials announced Wednesday that it would require astronauts in training to drop down to 25 pounds in order to simulate their weight on the moon. We want to be as thorough as possible in our [...]The post NASA Requires Astronauts In Training To Drop To 25 Pounds To Simulate Weight On Moon appeared first on The Onion.

IRVINE, CA-Eyes widening in awe as the 3D-rendered content appeared on his Instagram feed, local 38-year-old Derek Ludlow reported Wednesday that he felt genuinely inspired by an AI-generated video of a lion wearing a Rolex. Holy shit, this cat's got a big-ass watch, he's wearing a tuxedo, and he's smoking the fattest cigar I've ever [...]The post Adult Man Genuinely Inspired By AI Video Of Lion Wearing Rolex appeared first on The Onion.

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LOS ANGELES-In an announcement that led fans to praise the perfect casting," actor Ryan Gosling confirmed Tuesday that he was officially joining the Marvel Cinematic Universe in the role of Stan Lee cameos. As a lifelong fan of the comics, it's an honor to take on the mantle of my favorite MCU character, Stanley Lieber, [...]The post Ryan Gosling Joins MCU To Take On Role Of Stan Lee Cameos appeared first on The Onion.

MORRO BAY, CA-Peeking out through the doorway to address the complaints, local man Hugh Montgomery reportedly said, We'll keep it down," to neighbor Grace Martinez on Monday evening before going back to playing Dance Dance Revolution alone in his apartment. Yeah, I get that it's late-we're really sorry about the racket," said the sweaty, red-faced [...]The post We'll Keep It Down,' Man Says To Neighbor Before Going Back To Playing DDR' Alone In Apartment appeared first on The Onion.

NORTH CHICAGO, IL-Emphasizing that potential users of the drug should never take no for an answer, a Skyrizi ad that began airing nationally Tuesday encourages viewers to fight any doctors who say the medication is not right for them. Consult your doctor before taking Skyrizi, and if your doctor advises against it, physically attack them [...]The post Pharmaceutical Ad Urges Viewers To Fight Doctors Who Say Drug Not Right For Them appeared first on The Onion.

KANSAS CITY, MO-Insisting the creature's unusual anatomical structure could create matchup nightmares across the AFC, Travis Kelce reportedly begged Chiefs head coach Andy Reid on Tuesday to sign a friendly extraterrestrial the star tight end had met in the woods. According to sources, Kelce acknowledged the trembling gray alien lacked formal football experience, an understanding [...]The post Travis Kelce Begs Andy Reid To Sign Friendly Extraterrestrial He Met In Woods appeared first on The Onion.

A viral trend called tanmaxxing" is encouraging Gen Z to ignore the documented risks associated with prolonged UV exposure and forgo sunscreen in pursuit of darker tans. The Onion examines the common myths and facts surrounding tanning. MYTH: Tanning is bad for your skin. FACT: Lizards lay in the sun all day, and they've never [...]The post Tanning: Myth Vs. Fact appeared first on The Onion.

LOS ANGELES-In an effort to support his children as they attempted to distance themselves from their difficult upbringing, actorBrad Pitt announced on Monday that he was dropping his surname in solidarity with his family. I understand why my kids want no part of Pitt,' and if they don't want it, neither do I," said the [...]The post Brad Pitt Drops Last Name In Solidarity With Family appeared first on The Onion.

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GRAND JUNCTION, CO-Pausing as he lifted a forkful of lettuce and baby spinach toward his mouth, local man Logan Barger reportedly took a moment Monday to appreciate what a good boy he was being as he ate his salad. Wow, look at all these greens, not to mention the cucumber slices and the cherry tomatoes," [...]The post Man Eating Salad Takes Moment To Appreciate What A Good Boy He's Being appeared first on The Onion.

CHICAGO-Pulling out their phones to capture footage of the extraordinary event, lucky participants in a Chicago architecture tour reportedly witnessed a rare live feeding of the Willis Tower on Monday. In my 20 years of leading tours in the Windy City, I've never seen anything quite like this," said tour guide Anthony Gillespie, noting that [...]The post Lucky Chicago Architecture Tour Witnesses Live Feeding Of Willis Tower appeared first on The Onion.

EDINBURGH, SCOTLAND-Sighing as he prepared to board a bus to the airport for his return flight home, American tourist Ben Frachs reported feeling disappointed Friday to be leaving Scotland without having seen a single Fat Bastard. I can't believe I didn't spot one Fat Bastard the whole time I was here," said Frachs, who claimed [...]The post Tourist Disappointed To Leave Scotland Without Seeing Single Fat Bastard appeared first on The Onion.

CHARLOTTE, NC-Admitting he was baffled that the seven days without whiskey hadn't already made him a high-functioning member of society, local one-week sober man Trent Ross told reporters Friday he thought all his problems would have been fixed by now. It's been seven days since I had a drink, but I still haven't gotten a [...]The post One-Week Sober Man Thought All Problems Would Be Fixed By Now appeared first on The Onion.

The Onion selects the best books to take on vacation this year.The post Bestselling Beach Reads appeared first on The Onion.

Whether you're out on the town or throwing a cozy event at home, karaoke can be a fun and cathartic group activity. The Onion shares tips for your next karaoke night. Hold the microphone one to two inches into your mouth. Pick a crowd-pleasing oldie that everyone knows, like Greensleeves" or Froggy Went A-Courtin'." Practice [...]The post Tips For Karaoke appeared first on The Onion.

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With her roles in the current and upcoming blockbusters The Odyssey, Spider-Man: Brand New Day, and Dune: Part Three, Zendaya is having a banner year. The Onion sat down with the star to discuss what's new and what's next. The Onion: What drew you to The Odyssey ? Zendaya: I've always had a passion for large [...]The post The Onion's Exclusive Interview With Zendaya appeared first on The Onion.

LOS ANGELES-Noting that the extra small available on the sales floor just wouldn't work for his client, Zendaya's stylist Law Roach reportedly asked a store associate Thursday if she had Tom Holland in any other sizes. Excuse me? This sample size won't work for Z, she's very tall," said Roach, who was overheard demanding that [...]The post Law Roach Asks Store Associate If She Has Tom Holland In Different Size appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Shedding light on the negative effects of excessive screen time, a new study from Georgetown University published Thursday found that most Americans would benefit from cutting down on phone use during sex. New data suggests setting down your phone during intercourse can positively impact your life, even if it's just for a few thrusts," said [...]The post Study: Majority Of Americans Would Benefit From Decreased Phone Use During Sex appeared first on The Onion.

GENEVA-In an effort to codify parental oversight for underage troops, a new Geneva Convention adopted Thursday reportedly allowed for the use of child soldiers with a signed permission slip from a legal guardian. This landmark treaty expressly forbids minors from enlisting in combat roles unless sanctioned by their parent or guardian," said International Committee of [...]The post New Geneva Convention Allows Use Of Child Soldiers With Signed Permission Slip appeared first on The Onion.

ORLANDO, FL-In what eyewitnesses described as a deeply disturbing and totally unhinged interaction, a Disney World Donald Duck reportedly warned a terrified child Thursday that he was once a normal little boy. I may look like a silly anthropomorphic duck, but I was once a child just like you," said the Donald Duck character, claiming [...]The post I Was Once A Normal Little Boy Like You,' Disney World Donald Duck Warns Terrified Child appeared first on The Onion.

Influencers Andrew and Tristan Tate were arrested in Florida on rape and sex trafficking charges and now face potential extradition to the U.K. What do you think?The post Tate Brothers Arrested In Florida appeared first on The Onion.

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BOSTON-Struggling to come to grips with the unreasonable demands, local man Gerald Ullman told reporters Wednesday that his overbearing girlfriend was expecting him to take the feelings in his head and use words to say them into the world. I just don't get what she means when she says I should use my mouth to [...]The post Overbearing Girlfriend Expects Man To Take Feelings In Head, Use Words To Say Them Into World appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Responding to repeated complaints about the smell and the difficulty of reheating lunch while the U.S. Cabinet member was still rotating inside the appliance, Department of Health and Human Services staffers reportedly had to remind Robert F. Kennedy Jr. not to microwave himself in the office kitchen. This is a shared space, and it's upsetting [...]The post RFK Jr. Reminded Not To Microwave Himself In Office Kitchen appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Touting the new line of currency as an important way to recognize the many babes bagged by the commander-in-chief over the years, the U.S. Mint announced plans Wednesday to release a series of gold coins commemorating President Donald Trump's extramarital affairs. These coins will allow Americans to celebrate their nation's semiquincentennial by collecting 50 of [...]The post U.S. Mint Unveils Series Of Gold Coins Commemorating President's Extramarital Affairs appeared first on The Onion.