The Onion

WASHINGTON-Taking the vice president aside to discuss the administration's response to the upcoming House of Representatives vote to release the Epstein files, President Donald Trump reportedly instructed JD Vance on Monday to say that he had stolen Trump's face in the 1990s. Here's the plan: If you just come out and say that, in 1992, [...]The post Trump To Vance: I Need You To Say You Stole My Face In The 1990s' appeared first on The Onion.

While prices at the grocery store continue to rise, more Americans are turning to shelf-stable preservation methods to save money on food. The Onion shares tips for home canning. Enter an economic recession. Procure at least one can. Slowly introduce bacteria to other parts of your diet first. Start calling everyone Maw and Paw. Ask [...]The post Tips For Canning Food At Home appeared first on The Onion.

DETROIT-Double-checking that he had approval before finalizing travel plans, Detroit Lions rookie Tate Ratledge reportedly approached head coach Dan Campbell on Monday to see if it might be possible for him to take Thanksgiving off. I know we have a game scheduled, but my family has this big tradition every year where we all get [...]The post Detroit Lions Rookie Asks For Thanksgiving Off appeared first on The Onion.

FAYETTEVILLE, NC-Acknowledging that he was on a long and ongoing process of reintegration, former Army sniper Clint Meadows told reporters Monday that he was struggling to readjust to being near stuff. When my superiors pushed me into training as a sniper, not a single one of them warned me how tough it would be to [...]The post Former Army Sniper Struggling To Readjust To Being Near Stuff appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-In an effort to bring an end to what he described as an anti-American trend in filmmaking, President Donald Trump signed an executive order Monday imposing a 100% tax on the profits of movies that depict people escaping from slavery. For too long, liberal Hollywood has pushed its false narratives of unhappy slaves desiring freedom," [...]The post Trump Imposes 100% Tax On Movies Where Slaves Escape appeared first on The Onion.

BATH, ENGLAND-Saying the discovery shed new light on the infamous German dictator's life, University of Bath researchers revealed DNA sequencing Friday showing that Adolf Hitler was a type of fern. After analyzing genetic material taken from Hitler's bunker and comparing it with DNA from one of his known relatives, we've determined with 97% certainty that [...]The post DNA Sequencing Reveals Hitler Was Type Of Fern appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Urging low-income Americans to be patient as officials worked around the clock to restore normal operation, the Supplemental Nutrition Assistance Program issued a statement Friday warning recipients that it could take days before their kidneys regained function. As staff are reinstated and payments begin to roll out, please expect delays in filtering out impurities in [...]The post SNAP Warns Recipients It Could Be Days Before Kidneys Regain Function appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Roundly criticizing the provision to outlaw many hemp products that was included in the bill to reopen the government, industry leaders warned Friday that the federal hemp ban threatened the overall identity of Evan Brucker, 32, a local guy whose whole deal pretty much begins and ends with hemp. Congress may claim the provision only [...]The post Federal Hemp Ban Threatens Local Guy's Whole Deal appeared first on The Onion.

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SEATTLE-In an effort that was intended to be subtle but was clearly targeted, local cat Arlo reportedly followed pet owner Joshua Rice around his apartment Friday like a racist Walgreens employee making sure a customer wasn't going to steal anything. That asshole thinks he's being discreet, but I can see him staring at me as [...]The post Cat Follows Man Through Apartment Like Racist Walgreens Employee appeared first on The Onion.

LOS ANGELES-Admitting she felt a little silly" after getting all dressed up for the premiere, Cynthia Erivo told reporters Friday she was disappointed after discovering that all her scenes from Wicked: For Good had been cut. It's definitely a bit of a letdown, but at least I had fun and got paid," said Erivo, who [...]The post Cynthia Erivo Disappointed To Discover All Her Wicked: For Good' Scenes Cut appeared first on The Onion.

After decades in the House of Representatives, Rep. Nancy Pelosi (D-CA) has announced she will not seek reelection next year. The Onion looks back at the former House speaker's life and career. 1940 Born in Baltimore with mark of the gavel on her forearm. 1961 Poses for photo with President John F. Kennedy at inaugural [...]The post Timeline Of Nancy Pelosi's Career appeared first on The Onion.

The brides wrote their own vows in what turned out to be a generative fiction-writing prompt.The post Sloan Wyckoff and Rowan Bishop appeared first on The Onion.

The citizens of Algebrania let out a mighty cheer after the wicked sorcerer Divisio, the Malevolent Mathgician, 3,500, was turned to dust by seventh grader Ben Louise correctly multiplying the denominators.The post Divisio, the Malevolent Mathgician appeared first on The Onion.

Sydney Sweeney, star of the new boxing film Christy, is once again at the center of controversy after the biopic flopped at the box office. The Onion sat down with Sweeney to discuss art, dating, and handling criticism. The Onion: How are you dealing with the backlash to your jeans ad? Sweeney: I'm struggling with [...]The post The Onion's Exclusive Interview With Sydney Sweeney appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Responding to recent revelations suggesting the prominent economist was a close associate of the late child sex trafficker Jeffrey Epstein, a devastated nation reportedly joined together to wail No! Not Larry Summers!" on Thursday. Oh please God, not Bill Clinton's treasury secretary Larry Summers!" said visibly distraught Iowa resident Carrie Pritchard, who echoed the sentiment [...]The post No! Not Larry Summers!' Wails Devastated Nation appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-In the wake of the House Oversight Committee releasing more than 20,000 pages of documents from the estate of Jeffrey Epstein, some of which raised questions about the extent of the president's relationship with the convicted sex offender, Donald Trump on Thursday downplayed his name appearing in Epstein's correspondence by saying it only proved he [...]The post Trump Says Epstein Emails Only Prove He One Of The Most Emailed-About Men In History appeared first on The Onion.

BOULDER, CO-Stressing that it represented an ideal opportunity to see one of nature's greatest wonders, scientists at the NOAA Space Weather Prediction Center confirmed Thursday that the aurora borealis would be visible on Google Images tonight. For this entire evening, the northern lights will be observable to the naked eye simply by walking to your [...]The post Scientists Confirm Aurora Borealis Will Be Visible On Google Images Tonight appeared first on The Onion.

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Sarah Carney, 64, died peacefully last weekend. In lieu of flowers, the family asks if you would mind picking up one of her legs and lifting her body together on the count of three.The post Sarah Carney appeared first on The Onion.

So many musicians were hired for this pair's lavish wedding band that a new instrument had to be invented called the harmoniaphone.The post Betty Greenberg and Stephen Harold appeared first on The Onion.

For those who know what crenellated" means, like we do, this house has it (or them). Crenels here, crenels there. Just a ton of that good stuff. Reference #49308The post Crenellated Aesthetic appeared first on The Onion.

LAS VEGAS-Shaking his head in frustration after staff pulled yet another wriggling cottontail from the canvas mat, UFC president Dana White expressed disbelief Friday that rabbits were still somehow managing to get beneath the Octagon fence.We've tried everything-chicken wire, garlic spray, motion-triggered sprinklers-but the little bastards just keep scratching their way under there," said White, [...]The post Dana White Can't Believe Rabbits Still Getting Beneath Octagon Fence appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Dismissing the swashbuckling sci-fi romp as a total hoax" amid growing scrutiny over his relationship with Jeffrey Epstein, President Donald Trump made remarks Tuesday denying that he had written a 36-volume comic titled Don And Jeff: Time Pedophiles. Obtained last month by the House committee investigating the late financier and child sex trafficker, the Time [...]The post Trump Denies Writing 36-Volume Comic Titled Don And Jeff: Time Pedophiles' appeared first on The Onion.

BROCKTON, MA-Acknowledging that he doesn't get the chance to say it that often, but emphasizing that it doesn't make it any less true, the father of local resident Eric Flores reportedly called him Thursday night just to say he loves King Crimson.Hey, champ, I wanted to drop you a line to tell you that I [...]The post Dad CallingJust To Say He Loves King Crimson appeared first on The Onion.

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President Trump's remodeling of the White House continues, which so far has included the demolition of the East Wing to add an expensive ballroom and outfitting his ensuite bathroom with premium Italian marble. The Onion examines the key facts and figures behind the renovations. 3: Chandeliers in the situation room $500 million: Funding from wealthy [...]The post Trump's White House Renovations By The Numbers appeared first on The Onion.

GUILFORD, CT-Watching in horror as he silently calculated whether he would be able to dive and catch the dropped infant before its body hit the floor, local man Ken Esposito told reporters Wednesday that his sister was insanely letting their 98-year-old grandma hold her newborn. Are you sure Grandma can support the baby's head with [...]The post Sister Insanely Letting 98-Year-Old Grandma Hold Newborn appeared first on The Onion.

Well, well, well. What have we got here? Another city slicker who thinks he can waltz into my town and start causin' all sorts of trouble. I'd be careful if I was you, fella. Because however they do things where you're from, 'round here we have our own way of dealin' with criminals, and that's [...]The post Not Sure How They Deal With Criminals In Your Town, But 'Round Here We Use A Restorative Justice Process appeared first on The Onion.

BEVERLY HILLS, CA-In a widely shared photo that sparked divorce rumors, model Hailey Bieber was spotted taking a walk Wednesday with husband Justin Bieber's severed head.It could be nothing, but it's a little odd for her to be out and about with only part of his body, no?" said an unnamed source, who acknowledged that [...]The post Divorce Rumors Swirl After Hailey Bieber Spotted With Justin's Severed Head appeared first on The Onion.

EVANSTON, IL-After casually asking what she was thinking about getting, patrons at a local restaurant confirmed Tuesday that a friend they were dining with had suddenly started acting cagey about what she was going to order.Hello, Earth to Sarah, we asked you what you're getting," said local woman Sydney Garner, 32, locking eyes with her [...]The post Friend Being Cagey About What She's Going To Order appeared first on The Onion.

CHICAGO-Struggling to explain the recent development during a polite conversation at her neighbor's house, local woman Sarah Walker reportedly tried Tuesday to find a nonpolitical way to explain that her cleaner had been deported. Maria will no longer be coming by to tidy up on Wednesdays because of everything going on right now," Walker said [...]The post Woman Trying To Find Nonpolitical Way To Say Her Cleaner Was Deported appeared first on The Onion.

LOS ANGELES-In a move that has drawn widespread praise, billionaire philanthropist MacKenzie Scott reportedly donated $80 million Tuesday to rebootLiving Single. It's inspiring and refreshing to see an ally who's not just talking the talk, but walking the walk," said Living Single fan Melanie Parker, who noted that the need for the reboot of the [...]The post MacKenzie Scott Donates $80 Million To Reboot Living Single' <HW> appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-In a stunning shake-up that has sent shock waves through a department already roiled by upheaval, Health and Human Services Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. announced Tuesday that he had fired the nation's sitting piss czar. During a White House press conference, Kennedy explained that he had decided to dismiss piss czar Travis Spragg over [...]The post RFK Jr. Fires Piss Czar appeared first on The Onion.

SILVER SPRING, MD-Accusing the pair of a severe breach of contract, TLC filed a lawsuit Wednesday against the stars of 1000-lb Sisters for losing too much weight.We are asking both Tammy and Amy Slaton to return to their original sizes immediately," said TLC spokesperson Richard Lemmers, who alleged that the reality series stars had conspired [...]The post TLC Sues 1000-Lb Sisters' For Losing Weight appeared first on The Onion.

LONDON-In response to what his lawyers characterized as a reckless and defamatory misrepresentation" of the beloved '90s sitcom about a small-town vicar and her eccentric parishioners, President Donald Trump threatened to sue the British Broadcasting Corporation on Monday for an allegedly misleading edit ofThe Vicar Of Dibley. Given that the BBC has chosen to deliberately [...]The post Trump Threatens To Sue BBC Over Misleading Edit Of The Vicar Of Dibley' appeared first on The Onion.

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ARLINGTON, VA-In a finding that researchers confirmed could greatly assist in identifying potential bad actors, a study released Friday by the Department of Defense concluded that practicing kung fu naked in the mirror was the best indicator of being a domestic terrorist.Our research determined that performing precision Shaolin kung fu while nude before a living [...]The post Study: Practicing Kung Fu Naked In Mirror Best Indicator Of Being Domestic Terrorist appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Amid a series of sudden actions overhauling landmark federal conservation regulations, the Environmental Protection Agency issued a public statement Friday warning monarch butterflies to count your fucking days." EPA officials confirmed plans to roll back dozens of environmental protections for the vulnerable insect population, vowing to introduce new standards for decimating monarch habitats and saying [...]The post EPA To Monarch Butterflies: Count Your Fucking Days' appeared first on The Onion.

CAIRO-Admitting he was unable to face a lengthy session of indexing artifacts after drinking too much the night before, hungover Egyptologist Henry Chapman confirmed Tuesday he was just gonna call in cursed this morning.Listen, I don't know what kind of hex was on that canopic jar I opened yesterday, but I've got a real doozy [...]The post Hungover Egyptologist Just Gonna Call In Cursed Today appeared first on The Onion.

FOXBOROUGH, MA-Admitting they may have overlooked some key physical metrics in the evaluation process, the New England Patriots front office told reporters Sunday the team was starting to regret drafting 130-pound linebacker Thurston Welles based exclusively on the strength of his cover letter. Looking back, we should've probably checked to make sure he'd played Division [...]The post Patriots Starting To Regret Drafting 130-Pound Linebacker Based Exclusively On Strength Of Cover Letter appeared first on The Onion.

Shopping for antiques can be a fun, sustainable, and stylish way to decorate your home. The Onion shares tips for antiquing. Save time by having a clear idea of what kind of old shit you're looking for. Arrive in a van or truck large enough to fit 30-plus paintings of pale children picking flowers. Double-check [...]The post Tips For Antiquing appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-As fewer air traffic controllers show up for work amid a government shutdown that has halted their pay, the Federal Aviation Administration issued a recommendation Friday advising commercial pilots to just go with their gut." You've done this plenty of times by now, so, you know, go ahead and feel free to trust your instincts [...]The post Understaffed FAA Recommends Pilots Just Go With Their Gut appeared first on The Onion.

CORVALLIS, OR-As he tried to avert his gaze from the stress-inducing pile of letters seeking money, local man Todd Fincher remarked Tuesday that the ransom notes on his coffee table were really beginning to pile up. I've been procrastinating on these for months because I just don't want to deal with them, and now I've [...]The post Ransom Notes Really Starting To Pile Up appeared first on The Onion.