 |
by The Onion Staff on (#74Y5H)
WABASH, IN-Emphasizing that her son's young age had never stopped him from pursuing his dreams, local mother Hannah Butler celebrated Monday when her 12-year-old was accepted into the worst college imaginable. After years of hard work and skipping several grades, we are so proud that our son will be attending Duane McAskill University [an unaccredited [...]The post 12-Year-Old Accepted Into Worst College Imaginable appeared first on The Onion.
|
The Onion
| Link | https://theonion.com/ |
| Feed | https://www.theonion.com/rss |
| Updated | 2026-06-08 12:32 |
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#74Y5G)
WASHINGTON-Calling the snazzy battle garments the most substantial advancement in boogie-woogie warfare in 85 years, Pentagon officials confirmed Friday that development on the U.S. military's highly specialized tactical zoot suit had been completed.These combat zoot suits with high waists and oversized jackets are key to keeping our troops safe and jazzy on the battlefield," said [...]The post Pentagon Develops Tactical Zoot Suit appeared first on The Onion.
|
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#74Y5F)
The post Real Housewives Of Rhode Island' All Holding Gov. Dan McKee In Opening Credits appeared first on The Onion.
|
by The Onion Staff on (#74Y5E)
I'm not your average girl. Sure, I wear makeup, jewelry, and dresses, but don't let my feminine exterior fool you: I like to drink beer. I love sports. And I can hang with the boys, even when things get a little rough and rowdy. That's because when I was younger, I had no other choice. [...]The post Growing Up With Brothers, I've Always Gotten Along Better With Guys Who Don't Respect Me appeared first on The Onion.
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#74Y5D)
The bride and groom's golden retriever served as their ring bearer, which was a real fuck-you to their two young children.The post Peyton Boudouris and Brandon Trusler appeared first on The Onion.
|
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#74Y5C)
The post U.S. Fertility Rate Plummets To Pre-Nick Cannon Levels appeared first on The Onion.
|
by The Onion Staff on (#74XNW)
A hiker was forced to be airlifted after he was stung by bees over 100 times, with officials claiming the stings left him unable to continue his descent." What do you think?The post Hiker Airlifted After Being Stung By Bees Over 100 Times appeared first on The Onion.
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#74XKZ)
The post Justin Bieber Performs Coachella Aftershow Lying Face-Down On Massage Table appeared first on The Onion.
|
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#74XM0)
WASHINGTON-Shocking Truth Social followers with a graphic insult to a nebulous opponent, President Donald Trump escalated a feud with an unclear adversary Monday by posting an AI video of himself fucking a basketball. The president is clearly enraged at somebody, but the clip provides far too little context to know who exactly is meant to [...]The post Trump Escalates Feud With Unclear Adversary By Posting AI Video Of Self Fucking Basketball appeared first on The Onion.
|
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#74XH3)
SAN FRANCISCO-Following reports that a 20-year-old man had been arrested for throwing a Moltov cocktail at Sam Altman's home, the suspect stated Monday that he only initiated the attack because he was following a ChatGPT recipe for risotto.I've been using ChatGPT to help with cooking for a while now, so I didn't think too much [...]The post Man Who Threw Molotov Cocktail At Sam Altman's Home Claims He Was Following ChatGPT Recipe For Risotto appeared first on The Onion.
|
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#74XC4)
The post The Noble Prize appeared first on The Onion.
|
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#74X8X)
WASHINGTON-In a major new agreement expected to provide the United States with unprecedented market access to the island nation, President Donald Trump announced Friday that he had finalized a long-anticipated trade deal with Pedotopia. Despite years of tension between the two leaders, Trump smiled and gave a thumbs-up as he shook hands with Prime Minister [...]The post U.S. Reaches Trade Deal With Pedotopia appeared first on The Onion.
|
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#74X8W)
SPRINGFIELD, IL-As the landmark bipartisan legislation passed into law Thursday, Illinois became the first state in the union to mandate paid haircut leave while an employee's new bob grows out.Effective immediately, every employer in Illinois will be required to provide two weeks of compensated time off for workers who thought a blunt, chin-length haircut might [...]The post Illinois Becomes First State To Require Haircut Leave While Bob Grows Out appeared first on The Onion.
|
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#74X8V)
This would've been a great place to raise a family, but instead a wealthy couple will collect egregious amounts of passive income from bachelorette parties. Reference #32487The post Never Mind, It's An Airbnb Now appeared first on The Onion.
|
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#74X8Y)
A class of medications called GLP-1s have skyrocketed in popularity recently for their effectiveness in reducing body mass. The Onion examines the myths and facts surrounding these weight-loss drugs. MYTH: GLP-1s are only prescribed for diabetes. FACT: GLP-1s have many applications, from aiding in addiction recovery to making your stepsister jealous. MYTH: The long-term effects [...]The post GLP-1s: Myth Vs. Fact appeared first on The Onion.
|
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#74X8Z)
Eligible men in the United States will be registered into the military draft pool automatically by December, a measure slipped into last year's annual defense policy bill that will replace the previous self-registration process. What do you think?The post Automatic U.S. Military Draft Registration To Begin By December appeared first on The Onion.
|
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#74WX5)
The post Rory McIlroy Struggling To Fit Big Check Into Mobile Deposit Photo appeared first on The Onion.
|
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#74WRT)
AUGUSTA, GA-Saluting the illustrious sportscasters for their passionate work over the course of nearly 40 years in the Augusta National Golf Club broadcast booth, CBS officials announced Sunday that longtime commentators Captain Cooter and the Gooch would be retiring upon conclusion of the 2026 Masters Tournament. Today marks the end of an era as we [...]The post CBS Announces Retirement Of Longtime Masters Commentators Captain Cooter And The Gooch appeared first on The Onion.
|
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#74W9G)
The post Nation's Sensitive Kids Denounce NHL Goal Horns appeared first on The Onion.
|
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#74W7R)
The post Scottie Scheffler's Masters Hopes Fade After He Is Swallowed By Sandworm appeared first on The Onion.
|
by The Onion Staff on (#74VT1)
A new study revealed that sharks in the Bahamas tested positive for cocaine, caffeine, painkillers, and other substances, with such contaminants increasingly found in tourism-driven marine environments. What do you think?The post Cocaine, Caffeine Detected In Sharks appeared first on The Onion.
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#74VT2)
The post Melania Trump: Never Once In My 4,000 Years Have I Been To Epstein Island' appeared first on The Onion.
|
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#74VT3)
WASHINGTON-In an effort to refute what she described as utterly vile attacks on her character, Melania Trump slammed baseless reports this week that linked her to the wrong wealthy pedophile. Let me clear: While I have deep ties to a certain affluent individual and secret societies involved in pedophilia, I never once sexually harmed children [...]The post Melania Trump Slams Baseless Reports Linking Her To Wrong Wealthy Pedophile appeared first on The Onion.
|
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#74VR4)
SAN ANSELMO, CA-Feeling surprised and delighted by his former employee's success,Star Warscreator George Lucas reportedly called Darth Maul on Friday to congratulate the Sith Lord on his new Disney+ series. Hey man, I know it's been a while since we talked, but I just wanted to say I saw the news, and I'm really proud [...]The post George Lucas Calls Darth Maul To Congratulate Him On Disney+ Series appeared first on The Onion.
|
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#74VNX)
NEW YORK-Saying that it was truly sinking in that he had finally made it to the big leagues, New York Mets rookie Carson Benge told reporters Friday he still couldn't believe the sunflower seeds in the dugout were free. It's honestly insane-you can just take them. As many as you want. Nobody says a word, [...]The post MLB Rookie Still Can't Believe The Sunflower Seeds Are Free appeared first on The Onion.
|
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#74VNY)
More artists are banning phones at their shows. The Onion examines the pros and cons of phone-free concerts. PRO Phone finally gets some alone time Get to give full attention to jumbotron screen Brings back thousands of professional bootlegger jobs Plenty of other ways to make not-invited friend feel excluded Need both hands for Nintendo [...]The post Pros And Cons Of Phone-Free Concerts appeared first on The Onion.
|
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#74VGC)
INDIO, CA-Stressing that they had to act quickly before the situation further deteriorated, medical staff working the Coachella Valley Music and Arts Festival reportedly rushed overly lucid 23-year-old Zach Hillman into an emergency psychedelics tent Friday. Thank God for the good Samaritans who alerted us as soon as they noticed him standing up straight and [...]The post Coachella Medical Staff Rush Overly Lucid Man To Emergency Psychedelics Tent appeared first on The Onion.
|
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#74VGB)
WASHINGTON-In a surprising collective announcement that left the American public hugging and crying tears of joy, the nation's women declared Wednesday that they were pregnant, confirming en masse that it's yours."Our little blessing is due in October," the chorus of approximately 78 million women of reproductive age said in perfect unison, each gently placing a [...]The post Nation's Women: We're Pregnant!' appeared first on The Onion.
|
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#74VGA)
Gideon Spencer, 77, died Monday. The family requests privacy while they fight over his stuff.The post Gideon Spencer appeared first on The Onion.
|
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#74VGD)
NEW YORK-BTS appeared Thursday in an unconventionally tense episode of the YouTube series Hot Wings during which host Sean Evans was reportedly forced to beg members of the boy band to stop dancing and just try the damn wings." Boys, please!" said Evans, raising his voice and clapping his hands in a futile effort to [...]The post Hot Ones' Host Begs BTS To Stop Dancing And Try Wings appeared first on The Onion.
|
|
by The Onion Staff on (#74TZX)
A Caribbean Airlines passenger went into labor while traveling to New York from Jamaica, giving birth as the flight was in its final descent to JFK Airport. What do you think?The post Passenger Gives Birth Mid-Flight appeared first on The Onion.
|
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#74TXH)
WASHINGTON-In an effort to call attention to a potentially life-threatening hazard, the State Department issued a travel warning Thursday for all women considering taking a vacation with their husbands. While we aren't yet expressly banning women from traveling with their husbands, we're emphatically urging them to use extreme caution if they feel they must take [...]The post State Department Issues Travel Warning For Women Vacationing With Husbands appeared first on The Onion.
|
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#74TR1)
Following their historic moon flyby, the Artemis II crew will return to Earth on Friday. The Onion looks at the key facts and figures behind the lunar mission. 15 mph Speed limit in moon zone 49 million Fewer streams than a British guy playing League Of Legends 4 Times mission specialist Jeremy Hansen has suggested [...]The post NASA's Artemis II Mission By The Numbers appeared first on The Onion.
|
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#74TN5)
WASHINGTON-After manually prying his eyelids open to read from a report he had prepared on the matter, a badly swollen Robert F. Kennedy Jr. gave a speech Tuesday in which he warned that Americans were not eating enough bees.In our survey of American dietary habits, we were alarmed to find that the vast majority of [...]The post Swollen RFK Jr. Warns Americans Not Eating Enough Bees appeared first on The Onion.
|
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#74TN4)
DOVER, WI-In an incident local residents have described as more-or-less tolerable, authorities announced Friday that only two were dead in what many were calling a completely bearable tragedy.We're all still searching for words to talk about this loss-but the first that occurred to me were small' and understandable,'" said Dover Police Chief Andrew McDonagh, who [...]The post Only 2 Dead In Bearable Tragedy appeared first on The Onion.
|
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#74TN3)
ATLANTA-In a move widely interpreted as an effort to exempt its offerings from health and safety standards, American chain restaurant Arby's issued a statement Tuesday reclassifying its food as entertainment.Whether it's our Classic Beef 'N Cheddar, our Chicken Cordon Bleu, or our famous Jamocha Shake, the menu items at Arby's are not meant to be [...]The post Arby's Reclassifies Their Food As Entertainment appeared first on The Onion.
|
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#74TN2)
Friends and family of the betrothed traveled from near and far to learn there are no Ubers in Fair Grove, MO.The post Jean McCarthy and Allison Foster appeared first on The Onion.
|
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#74T0R)
NEW YORK-In an announcement that left fans of the 2006 original buzzing with excitement, The Devil Wears Prada 2 director David Frankel confirmed Wednesday that actor Adrien Grenier would make a cameo in the film as a corpse on the street. We're so pleased to have not just Anne Hathaway and Meryl Streep back, but [...]The post The Devil Wears Prada 2' Director Confirms Adrian Grenier Cameo As Corpse On Street appeared first on The Onion.
|
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#74SVP)
LONDON-Urging the public to remain calm as authorities worked to recapture the mentally disturbed individual, city officials confirmed Monday that novelist J.K. Rowling had escaped from a London insane asylum. At 7:33 this morning, medical staff reportedly discovered the Harry Potter author and outspoken anti-trans activist had broken out of her padded, maximum-security cell at [...]The post J.K. Rowling EscapesInsane Asylum appeared first on The Onion.
|
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#74SVN)
LAUSANNE, SWITZERLAND-In what scholars have called the largest shake-up of the game's rule set in centuries, the International Chess Federation announced Tuesday that it was adding a race car piece to the playing board.In all officially sanctioned matches played from today forward, the pawn immediately in front of a player's king will be replaced with [...]The post International Chess Federation Adds Race Car Piece appeared first on The Onion.
|
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#74SVM)
The post Usha Vance Catches Husband Measuring Her Skull Again appeared first on The Onion.
|
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#74SVK)
Own a piece of history while lording your precious uniqueness over everyone around you with this wildly impractical $2 million statement home. Reference #70369The post Converted Church For Yuppie Douchebags appeared first on The Onion.
|
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#74SVJ)
Avid online shopper Evelyn Simmons, 55, passed away suddenly, making this an opportune time for porch pirates to finally make their move.The post Evelyn Simmons appeared first on The Onion.
|
|
by The Onion Staff on (#74SDE)
A U.S. Air Force officer who went missing after his fighter jet was shot down over a remote area of Iran has been rescued, with the CIA having developed a deception plan to buy time for the high stakes operation. What do you think?The post Downed U.S. Airman Rescued From Iran appeared first on The Onion.
|
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#74S70)
The post Snob Doesn't Think Audiobook Counts As Real Porn appeared first on The Onion.
|
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#74S71)
The post Artemis II Astronaut Decapitated By Telephone Pole After Sticking Head Out Window appeared first on The Onion.
|
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#74S42)
NEW YORK-In a desperate ploy aimed at playing on the sympathies of concerned viewers, CBS News editor-in-chief Bari Weiss reportedly attempted to boost ratings for her struggling programs this week by kidnapping the mother of evening anchor Tony Dokoupil. I'm not going to hurt you, Ms. Dokoupil, but you'll be staying with me at least [...]The post Bari Weiss Attempts To Boost Ratings By Kidnapping Tony Dokoupil's Mom appeared first on The Onion.
|
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#74S0T)
The post Dad Turns Up Skyrizi Commercial appeared first on The Onion.
|
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#74S0S)
WASHINGTON-In an effort to keep his airways clear while his colleagues discussed foreign policy, U.S. Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth was laid on his side for a Cabinet meeting Friday, according to sources within the White House.Hey, Scott [Bessent], could you grab us a couple towels to support his head and soak up some of [...]The post Pete Hegseth Laid On Side For Cabinet Meeting appeared first on The Onion.
|
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#74S0R)
CINCINNATI-Unable to provide an explanation for the woman's rich social life, area man Jason Hellerman told reporters Tuesday that it was unclear where his girlfriend, Jess Mikkel, kept making all these friends.Jess definitely knows Sarah from work and Kim from book club, but other than that, it's a mystery where her friends are coming from," [...]The post Unclear Where Girlfriend Keeps Making All These Friends appeared first on The Onion.
|