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by The Onion Staff on (#76YRC)
WASHINGTON-Launching into the address without any preamble or provocation, the nation's alcoholics held a spontaneous press conference Monday to share a list of places where it's okay to drink. Bars are the obvious first choice, but once the uptight scolds kick you out just for having a good time, shopping mall food courts and convenience [...]The post Nation's Alcoholics Spontaneously Share List Of Places Where It's Okay To Drink appeared first on The Onion.
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The Onion
| Link | https://theonion.com/ |
| Feed | https://www.theonion.com/rss |
| Updated | 2026-09-11 11:08 |
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by The Onion Staff on (#76YRB)
NEW YORK-Admitting that he might bear some responsibility for the NBA's recent struggles, commissioner Adam Silver acknowledged Tuesday that the league's declining ratings could very well have something to do with how he looks.Unfortunately, we've suffered a steady drop in viewership over the past several years, and I'll be the first to admit this trend [...]The post Adam Silver Acknowledges Declining Ratings May Have Something To Do With How He Looks appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#76YRA)
The post Why Do We Have A Meeting With HR? appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#76YR9)
These roommates were accidentally married Wednesday after getting high and going to City Hall to apply for an exotic pet license.The post Susan Rios and Nick Dawson appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#76YR8)
A U.S. Food and Drug Administration study concluded that trace amounts of heavy metals found in tampons, including lead and arsenic, are not released during use at levels high enough to be harmful. What do you think?The post FDA Study Claims Arsenic, Lead In Tampons Not Harmful appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#76YR7)
According to the Coast Guard, more than 500 lives are lost annually in recreational boating accidents on U.S. waterways. The Onion shares tips for safely operating a boat. To ensure clear passage, tape permit signs to the water where you plan to boat 48 hours in advance Situate elderly passengers on the lowest, most stable [...]The post Boat Safety Tips appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#76XQF)
To showcase his nation's defense industry, President Recep Tayyip Erdoan of Turkiye presented each NATO leader with a Turkish-made revolver engraved with their name, as well as six rounds of live ammunition. What do you think?The post Turkish President Gives Handguns To NATO Leaders appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#76XCV)
WASHINGTON-Relieved that their colleague appeared to be the very same man they'd known for years,allies of Sen. Mitch McConnell told reporters Friday they had recently met with the seven-term Kentucky Republican inside a body bag. Like so many Americans, we had our concerns about Mitch, but when the technician unzipped that vinyl pouch and let [...]The post GOP Allies Claim They Met With Mitch McConnell Inside Body Bag appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#76XAR)
SEVEN MILE BEACH, AUSTRALIA-In a shocking and violent scene that left the local marine mammal dead and dozens of others injured, Neil the Seal was reportedly killed in a shootout Friday with authorities in Tasmania. According to eyewitnesses, the 5-year-old southern elephant seal emerged from Tiger Head Bay early in the morning toting what appeared [...]The post Neil The Seal Killed In Shootout With Authorities appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#76XAS)
WASHINGTON-Despite protestations from the White House that the propulsion system was fully safe to operate,the Secret Service on Friday strenuously urged President Donald Trump not to use the jet pack gifted to him by Qatar. While we certainly understand the appeal of this device, it would be challenging to provide effective security for the president [...]The post Secret Service Urges Trump Not To Use Qatari-Gifted Jet Pack appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#76X8F)
WASHINGTON-Having been provided with a powerful reminder that legs were not merely for standing around on, millions of Americans confirmed Friday that the World Cup had reinvigorated their interest in kicking things. Seeing all these guys kicking balls on TV has really opened my eyes to how satisfying it is to swing your legs around [...]The post World Cup Reinvigorates Nation's Interest In Kicking Things appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#76X8G)
NEW YORK-Her eyes widening with horror as she took in the sight of the wrinkled hoodies and an upside-down electric keyboard strewn across the foyer, pop star Taylor Swift reportedly returned from her honeymoon Friday to find producer Jack Antonoff squatting in her Tribeca penthouse. Oh, hey, it's chill if I crash here for a [...]The post Taylor Swift Returns From Honeymoon To Find Jack Antonoff Squatting In House appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#76X2S)
NEW YORK-Confessing total ignorance as to the origins of the mystifying ritual, FIFA admitted Friday it has absolutely no idea why soccer players routinely walk out onto the field accompanied by a group of little kids. For a while now, the World Cup games have commenced with each player stepping out onto the pitch holding [...]The post FIFA Admits It Has No Idea Why Soccer Players Walk Out On Field With Little Kids appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#76X2R)
COLUMBUS, OH-Expressing embarrassment at the sheer amount of time that had passed, local man Evan Pfister reportedly binge-watched an entire movie in one sitting on Friday. Wow, I must have been staring at this screen for hours. Well, almost hours. An hour and forty nine minutes, to be precise," said Pfister, who told reporters that [...]The post Man Binge-Watches Entire Movie In One Sitting appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#76X2Q)
Tech giant Meta continues to push its AI smart glasses, including with a new ad campaign featuring Kylie Jenner. Here are all the features of the wearable device: Hands-free doxxing 70+ styles to suit everyone from laid-back perverts to active predators Auto-Stare mode to stare at things for you AI therapy chat for parsing what [...]The post All The Features Of Meta's AI Glasses appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#76X2P)
The post Why Is Dad Pulling The Car Over? appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#76X2N)
WASHINGTON-In a move that has drawn widespread criticism from health experts across the country, the U.S. Department of Agriculture announced Tuesday that it had filled a key advisory role with a prominent chewing skeptic.MAHA influencer Brad Holclaw has been a fierce opponent of the chewing-industrial complex, and we're confident that he'll work tirelessly to change [...]The post USDA Fills Key Advisory Role With Prominent Chewing Skeptic appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#76X2M)
The groom knew he had found his future wife the moment he saw the words NO LIARS OR DRUG ADDICTS" on the bride's Bumble profile.The post Chelsea Evans and Ben Franks appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#76X2K)
ROME-Calling the emergency order a direct response to an imminent national threat," Italian Prime Minister Giorgia Meloni issued a travel ban Wednesday restricting the entry of Italian Americans into the country.Effective immediately, the Italian Republic will no longer allow Italian Americans who believe themselves to be our paisanos' to set foot on our land," Meloni [...]The post Italy Issues Travel Ban On Italian Americans appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#76X2J)
A record heat wave in France has caused the deaths of an estimated several hundred thousand chickens, overwhelming the country's rendering plants. What do you think?The post French Heat Wave Kills Hundreds Of Thousands Of Chickens appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#76WPJ)
Planned Parenthood regained access to federal funding for non-abortion care after a ban in the One Big Beautiful Bill Act was not renewed, the result of Republican legislative priorities being directed elsewhere. What do you think?The post Planned Parenthood Regains Federal Funding appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#76WNE)
MAMANUCA ISLANDS, FIJI-In a revelation that prompted widespread calls for producers to remove him from the reality show's villa,Love Island USAcontestant Bryce Dettloff reportedly found himself under fire Thursday after newly surfaced photos showed the cast member wearing a shirt. This is a total betrayal of viewers," fan Kayla Robinson said of the shocking Instagram [...]The post Love Island' Contestant Under Fire After Newly Surfaced Photos Show Him Wearing Shirt appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#76WGZ)
The post DNC Vows To Replace Graham Platner With Establishment Rapist appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#76WBA)
Disney's live-action remake of Moana comes to theaters this weekend, a decade after the original animated film was released. The Onion shares everything you need to know about the movie. Q: Who is the target audience? A: Nostalgic 12-year-olds hoping to relive their childhood. Q: Who is the villain? A: The looming threat of a [...]The post What To Know About The Live-Action Moana' appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#76W8A)
WASHINGTON-Aiming to cut costs after a poor fiscal quarter, Washington National Opera general director Timothy O'Leary announced plans Monday to lay off 200 phantoms effective immediately.In these difficult times, we can no longer afford to keep all the ghastly, mysterious men who haunt our catacombs on this organization's payroll," said O'Leary, who expressed regret that [...]The post National Opera Lays Off 200 Phantoms appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#76W89)
Growing up, I was always encouraged to be myself. I was taught that every person is different, and that our uniqueness is a great gift. This firm sense of self served me well as I embarked upon a career as a real estate agent, home renovator, and TV personality. But my whole identity was challenged [...]The post One Day I Woke Up And There Were Two Of Me appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#76W88)
PASADENA, CA-In an unsettling discovery that scientists described as a potential cause for alarm," NASA officials confirmed Monday that they had found a concerning lump on Mars. It's a large, unmovable mass on Mars that appears firm to the touch, with jagged edges," said astrobiologist Bryce Varden, noting the location of the growth on the [...]The post NASA Discovers Concerning Lump On Mars appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#76W87)
Sue Klepper, 90, passed away surrounded by family, friends, and a registered nurse who was kind of just awkwardly hanging around.The post Sue Klepper appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#76VWW)
LOS ANGELES-Audibly whispering no, no, no" as his mind flashed back to the toiletry item he had neglected to retrieve amid his exit from the Los Angeles Lakers, NBA superstar LeBron James reportedly panicked Wednesday upon remembering that he had left a brand-new stick of deodorant in his locker. Oh, shit, my deodorant!" said James, [...]The post LeBron James Realizes He Left Brand-New Stick Of Deodorant In Lakers Locker appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#76VRM)
The post Graham Platner Clarifies He Covered Penis With Tattoo After Learning About Its Troubling History appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#76VDG)
FRAMINGHAM, MA-In an effort to provide customers with an ever-wider variety of merchandise at steep discounts, executives at TJ Maxx announced Tuesday that the off-price retail chain had begun selling meat in all of its stores. Visits to multiple TJ Maxx locations confirmed that alongside their usual offerings of clothing, footwear, and home decor, the [...]The post TJ Maxx Adds Meat appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#76VDF)
BAGLUNG, NEPAL-Claiming he could eat the stuff every day and still not get tired of it, local yak Henry Cunningham expressed his sincere hope Tuesday that they never stop making grass.Man, after a long day on the plateau, nothing hits the spot like a big mouthful of grass," said Cunningham, adding that just thinking about [...]The post Yak Hopes They Never Stop Making Grass appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#76VDE)
ST. LOUIS-Expressing their shock and outrage at the selfish display, attendees at Thursday's St. Louis Cardinals game reportedly erupted in boos after a little boy callously stole a foul ball from an adorable 42-year-old man.Whoa, did you see what that kid just did? What a piece of shit," said nearby fan Alicia Contreras, joining hundreds [...]The post Crowd Boos After Little Boy Steals Foul Ball From Adorable 42-Year-Old Man appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#76VDD)
BTS is back and embarking on a massive world tour. In honor of the K-pop group, The Onion takes a look at the history of boy bands. 1294 King Philip IV figures it'd be funny to make all the eunuchs sing. 1945 1,600 Nazi boy band scientists brought to the U.S. to counter Soviet pop [...]The post History Of Boy Bands appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#76VDC)
In a touching tribute, the couple were married in the very same church the bride's grandparents had driven by once.The post Caroline Watters and Kevin Rice appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#76VDB)
University of Minnesota scientists have created the first-ever synthetic cell, called SpudCell, which is able to feed, grow, and replicate as if it were naturally occurring. What do you think?The post Scientists Create First Synthetic Cell appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#76TQX)
WASHINGTON-Raising questions over the ethics of profiting in private business ventures while still holding office,a report released Tuesday found that President Donald Trump has made almost $1.4 billion in his second term selling Tupperware to friends. Since officially reclaiming the presidency in January 2025, Donald Trump has used the multitude of connections associated with the [...]The post Report: Trump Made $1.4 Billion As President Off Selling Tupperware To Friends appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#76TQY)
HOUSTON-A new study published Thursday by researchers at the University of Houston revealed that the average American woman vastly prefers a romantic partner who is a member of ZZ Top.While emotional intelligence and a sense of humor factor into their decision-making, heterosexual women are still largely judging men based on their possession of a foot-long [...]The post Study: Average Woman Prefers Partner Who Is Member Of ZZ Top appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#76TQZ)
LOS ANGELES-In reviews that urge fans nostalgic for the hyperactive yellow creatures' glory days to rush to their local theaters, critics across the nation are hailing the new Minions movie as a love letter to Minions. This is, first and foremost, a celebration of Minions," critic Robert Colgate wrote Tuesday of the latest installment in [...]The post Critics Hail New Minions Movie As A Love Letter To Minions appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#76TJK)
QUANTICO, VA-Alarmed by what he described as the inability of supposedly elite law enforcement officers to approach and seduce attractive women, FBI director Kash Patel confirmed Thursday that he had invited all agents at the bureau to train with professional pickup artists.The sad fact is that few, if any, federal agents use the three-second rule [...]The post Kash Patel Invites FBI Agents To Train With Professional Pickup Artists appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#76TJJ)
NEW YORK-Touting the temporary installation as a chance to get totally immersed in the network's popular dramas, NBC unveiled an interactive Chicago pop-up Tuesday to promote its procedural franchise. Fans ofChicago Fire,Chicago P.D., andChicago Medfinally have a chance to see the Midwestern city just as Dick Wolf imagined it," said NBC spokesperson Stephanie Farris, adding [...]The post NBC Unveils Interactive Chicago Pop-Up To Promote Procedural Franchise appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#76TJH)
WASHINGTON-After he rubbed his eyes and blinked to confirm he wasn't dreaming or seeing things, President Donald Trump stated Thursday that he had spotted Hunter Biden smoking crack on the wing of Air Force One.There's-my God, I can't believe it-Hunter Biden's on the wing of this plane, and he's smoking out of a glass pipe," [...]The post Trump Sees Hunter Biden Smoking Crack On Wing Of Air Force One appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#76TJG)
The post MTA Rider Gives Up Seat To Pregnant Rat appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#76TJF)
Reaching the majors is every ballplayer's dream, but actually arriving in the Show can be overwhelming. We asked some of MLB's biggest stars to tell us when it truly hit them that they had made the big leagues. Roman Anthony: It was my very first pitch. A 102 fastball-didn't even see it. I immediately start [...]The post MLB Players Share Their Welcome To The Show' Moment appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#76TJE)
The post Thou Shalt Not Kilt appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#76TJD)
Don Carnegie, 53, was loved, but not $32-million-in-Bitcoin-ransom loved.The post Don Carnegie appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#76T2K)
ORRVILLE, OH-Stressing that the change in the product line was a necessary adjustment to keep apace in the digital age, snack food manufacturer Hostess announced Monday that it would discontinue physical Twinkies. While we know fans have been collecting Twinkies for years, we believe that online-only snack cakes will help reduce physical clutter and allow [...]The post Hostess Discontinues Physical Twinkies appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#76T2M)
The post Adam Sandler Unwinds After Busy Weekend Officiating 6 Back-To-Back Weddings appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#76T0B)
The post Mom Packs Son's Lunch Box With Leftover Fireworks appeared first on The Onion.
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