The Onion

WASHINGTON-Saying it was only by divine intervention that he was still standing, President Donald Trump stated during a press briefing Thursday that God had spared his life during last night's midair collision of an Army helicopter and a passenger jet over the Potomac River. Without the beautiful hand of God guiding that airplane away from [...]The post Trump Claims God Spared Him In Airplane Crash appeared first on The Onion.

NEW YORK-In a desperate attempt to revive their floundering brand amid declining revenues, WeightWatchers officials announced Thursday that butter was now worth zero points. Joining the likes of cauliflower, plain Greek yogurt, and air-popped popcorn, butter will now be a WeightWatchers ZeroPoint food, so go ahead and eat-or drink-as much as you like," said interim [...]The post Cash-Strapped WeightWatchers Announces Butter Now Zero Points appeared first on The Onion.

Well, I hope you're proud of yourself, Rich. Our team trusted you with the privilege of proving yourself on Trivia Hell Night. But after last night's demeaning spectacle, I doubt we can ever go back to Sharlene's Bar without recalling the deep humiliation you brought upon us all. After tanking a Star Trek round with [...]The post When We Invited You To Join Our Trivia Team, It Was With The Understanding That You Knew Star Trek' appeared first on The Onion.

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LOS ANGELES-Confirming the rumors around the popular franchise were true, executive producers confirmed Monday they had cast Almond Winfrey-Springsteen in Unfrosted 3. We are so excited to be a part of Almond's acting debut," said the film's producers in a statement, who lauded the 20-year-old former runway model, New York University dropout, and restaurant entrepreneur's [...]The post Almond Winfrey-Springsteen Cast In Unfrosted 3' appeared first on The Onion.

A very rare and very stinky plant, known commonly as the corpse flower, drew long lines at the Brooklyn Botanic Garden as locals sought to get a whiff, with the bloom occurring for the first time since it arrived in 2018 and only lasting a few days before it collapses. What do you think?The post Visitors Flock To Sniff Flower That Smells Like Rotting Corpse appeared first on The Onion.

In these scary and uncertain times, community is more important than ever. And nothing brings a community together like a good old-fashioned chili cook-off! Whether you're rich or poor, liberal or conservative, in perfect health or permanently disabled from the multiple gunshot wounds that nearly took your life, everybody can put their differences aside to [...]The post No Matter How Many Chili Cook-Offs I Win, Everyone Still Sees Me As That School Shooter's Mom' appeared first on The Onion.

MONTGOMERY, AL-Calling it a revolutionary way" to experience the full wrath of the carceral state, the Alabama Department of Corrections unveiled Friday a new Death Row Fast Pass that allows convicts to skip the line for executions.With the amazing Death Row Fast Pass, inmates can zoom past all those condemned individuals in front of them [...]The post New Death Row Fast Pass Allows Convicts To Skip Execution Line appeared first on The Onion.

SAVANNAH, GA-Having had no direct interaction with the man at any time during the process, local event planner Anna Callaway made it through one and a half years of preparations for a couple's wedding without ever acknowledging the groom's existence, sources confirmed Saturday.According to reports, Callaway never once made reference to a second person being [...]The post Wedding Planner Makes It Through Entire 1.5-Year Process Without Acknowledging Groom appeared first on The Onion.

ATLANTA-In a harrowing fulfillment of biblical prophecy that left customers screaming as their fast food orders disappeared before their eyes, panicked sources reported Tuesday that every Chick-fil-A store had been raptured. The massive heavenly event began at 12:02 p.m. EST when a large burst of God's divine light shot down from the clouds and slowly [...]The post Chick-Fil-A Raptured appeared first on The Onion.

Hundreds of thousands of Palestinians streamed into Gaza's most heavily destroyed area after Israel opened the north for the first time since the early weeks of the war with Hamas, a dramatic reversal of their exodus 15 months ago. What do you think?The post Palestinians Return To Devastated Northern Gaza appeared first on The Onion.

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LOS ANGELES-Confirming he had become almost unrecognizable to friends and family, wrestler-turned-actor John Cena opened up Tuesday about slimming down for a new role in which he would portray a human man.I knew I had to take drastic measures if I wanted to convincingly pass for a human man on screen," said a now 5-foot-9, [...]The post John Cena Slims Down For New Role Portraying Human Man appeared first on The Onion.

ATLANTA-According to a new study published Tuesday by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, not a single person has been born in the United States during the past five years.While the general fertility rate has been decreasing for some time, we found that it made a precipitous drop-off to zero starting in late 2019," [...]The post Study: No One Born In U.S. For Past 5 Years appeared first on The Onion.

SULPHUR, OK-In a heartwarming visit that both man and boy are likely to remember for the rest of their lives, Sgt. Thomas Anderson, a highly decorated soldier from the Cyber War of 2096, reportedly returned to his childhood home Wednesday with a message for his 8-year-old self. The bionic warrior, who leads an elite unit [...]The post Soldier Returning From 2096 Cyber War Reunited With 8-Year-Old Self appeared first on The Onion.

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NEW YORK-In a social media post in which she told followers that every dollar counted in the fight to keep him full, pop superstar Taylor Swift announced Thursday that she had donated $5 million to help end Travis Kelce hunger.It's tragic, but I see firsthand how devastating it is for Travis to come home after [...]The post Taylor Swift Donates $5 Million To End Travis Kelce Hunger appeared first on The Onion.

ARLINGTON, VA-In a high-level alert that revealed a geo-political rival of the United States could soon become the first nation capable of wielding the most powerful force in the universe, the Pentagon warned Friday that China was actively developing love, the greatest weapon of all. The alert, issued to the American public and top U.S. [...]The post Pentagon Warns China Developing Love, The Greatest Weapon Of All appeared first on The Onion.

THE DOOMFUL BOG-Saying he felt humiliated by such a public betrayal of his trust, a monstrous abomination known as the Bog Freak told reporters Friday that he was devastated to have seen a movie depicting things he told filmmaker Guillermo del Toro in confidence. I finally decided to watchThe Shape Of Waterafter a few friends [...]The post Monster Devastated To See Film Depicting Things He Told Guillermo Del Toro In Confidence appeared first on The Onion.

LOS ANGELES-Covertly checking her phone to see that 28 more minutes had passed, a visibly bored Kylie Jenner reportedly feigned a smile Friday as Timothee Chalamet continued playing the harmonica for her. So cool, babe-you're getting so good at that thing," said the 27-year-old media personality, slowly nodding and blinking as her boyfriend of two [...]The post Bored Kylie Jenner Feigns Smile As Timothee Chalamet Continues Playing Harmonica appeared first on The Onion.

CENTENNIAL, CO-With a series of television ads that will run in all major media markets and feature dozens of bloated, wincing celebrities, industry trade group the National Beef Council debuted its new You're Supposed To Feel Like That" campaign on Friday. If your stomach hurts and you feel sleepy, that just means the beef is [...]The post National Beef Council Debuts New You're Supposed To Feel Like That' Campaign appeared first on The Onion.

NEW YORK-Describing the time-tested method as a nearly guaranteed way of attracting a mate's interest, a report released Thursday by Columbia University's Department of Social Psychology found that the best pickup technique remained approaching a woman and saying Ditch this zero and get with a hero." Our findings suggest this short phrase has an almost [...]The post Report: Best Pickup Technique Remains Approaching Woman And Saying Ditch This Zero And Get With A Hero' appeared first on The Onion.

DUBOIS, WY-Saying the one-size-fits-all approach had yet to let him down, a local ram told reporters Thursday that he would stop headbutting things when headbutting things stopped working. Say what you will about it, there's pretty much no problem in my life that can't be solved by lowering my head, charging forward, and smacking my [...]The post Ram Will Stop Headbutting Things When Headbutting Things Stops Working appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Pointing to the mounting scientific evidence showing the risks of using such explosive devices, outgoing U.S. Surgeon General Vivek Murthy issued an advisory this week in which he recommended adding cancer warning labels to all nuclear bombs. Nuclear bombs can cause cancer anywhere they are detonated, yet far too few Americans understand the dangers of [...]The post Surgeon General Recommends Adding Cancer Warning To All Nuclear Bombs appeared first on The Onion.

JACKSONVILLE, FL-Saying he had grown irritated with all the people who wanted to know if his occupation was anything like the popular Netflix series, black market organ dealer Randy Haines told reporters Wednesday he was tired of being asked if he had ever seen Squid Game. I'm sure it's a perfectly fine show, but it's [...]The post Black Market Organ Dealer Tired Of Being Asked If He's Seen Squid Game' appeared first on The Onion.

NEW YORK-Saying the best healthy eating habits are the ones people can realistically stick to in the long term, a panel of New York University nutritionists issued recommendations Wednesday that included following the occasional trail of sweets into a dark forest to help manage cravings. If your sweet tooth is making it difficult to stay [...]The post Nutritionists Recommend Following Occasional Trail Of Sweets Into Dark Forest To Help Manage Cravings appeared first on The Onion.

SPRINGFIELD, IL-Describing the items on the shelf as yet other example of the woke nonsense" abetting the feminization of American men, local conservative Nick Schwab, 54, told reporters Wednesday he was outraged by the availability of tampons and other period products in men's grocery stores. This is fucking unbelievable-what if I'd had my son with [...]The post Conservative Outraged Tampons Available In Men's Grocery Stores appeared first on The Onion.

BEEKMAN, NY-Upon receiving the news that his name had somehow been included in an executive order granting clemency to nearly 1,600 rioters, Mark David Chapman reportedly decided to just go with it Monday when he was pardoned alongside the Jan. 6 defendants. Well, sure, I guess I'll just say here that I've been held hostage [...]The post Mark David Chapman Decides To Just Go With It After Receiving January 6 Pardon appeared first on The Onion.

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SEATTLE-Kicking himself for not purchasing a gift sooner, local man George Yorkin reportedly groaned Tuesday upon learning that the only thing left on the Jeff Bezos-Lauren Sanchez wedding registry was a new rocket booster. Oh, shit, it's $290 million?" the visibly annoyed Yorkin said as he stared at the Zola page for the Amazon billionaire [...]The post Man Groans After Only Thing Left On Bezos Wedding Registry New Rocket Booster appeared first on The Onion.

CAMBRIDGE, MA-Revealing a precipitous decline in the nation's access to a once-plentiful resource, an alarming study published Tuesday by Harvard's T.H. Chan School of Public Health found that only one in four Americans can get a motherfuckin' hell yeah." It's no secret that peer enthusiasm is harder to come by than it was in previous [...]The post Alarming Study Finds Only 1 In 4 Americans Can Get A Motherfuckin' Hell Yeah' appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Placing his right hand on the collection of posts taken from the controversial message board, JD Vance was reportedly sworn in as vice president Monday on a stack of printed-out 4chan greentexts. I, James David Vance, do solemnly swear that I will support and defend the Constitution of the United States against all enemies, foreign [...]The post JD Vance Sworn In On Stack Of Printed 4chan Greentexts appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Cackling wildly as he pulled himself from the smoldering wreckage while those around him watched in horror,Defense Secretary nominee Pete Hegseth reportedly crashed a golf cart into the stage at the presidential inauguration Monday. Ooooh shiiiiit, what the fuck was that?" said the bewildered former Fox News host, who, after stumbling out of the vehicle [...]The post Pete Hegseth Crashes Golf Cart Into Inauguration Stage appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Not bothering to conceal her phone screen, Melania Trump was reportedly swiping through Raya matches Monday in full view of television cameras. The former andincoming first lady of the United States was captured in close-up by various news networks perusing profiles on the celebrity dating app during her husband's inauguration ceremony, occasionally pausing to zoom [...]The post Melania Trump Swiping Through Raya Matches In Full View Of Cameras appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Wanting to ensure his closest companion in the world got a good view of the inauguration proceedings, Elon Musk held up his AI girlfriend app so she could see, sources confirmed Monday. Take it all in, Jasmine, my sweet-this is a day we'll tell our children about," Musk said as he slowly panned his phone's [...]The post Elon Musk Holds Up AI Girlfriend App So She Can See appeared first on The Onion.

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