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by The Onion Staff on (#6XZXA)
The post Trump Mouths Lyrics To Happy Birthday' While National Anthem Plays appeared first on The Onion.
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The Onion
| Link | https://theonion.com/ |
| Feed | https://www.theonion.com/rss |
| Updated | 2025-08-16 17:47 |
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by The Onion Staff on (#6XZXB)
WASHINGTON-Growing increasingly concerned as she peered around at the marching troops, towed artillery, and self-propelled howitzers, local D.C. doggy daycare owner Frieda Shaw told reporters Saturday that she worried her sponsored parade float was sticking out at President Donald Trump's military parade. At first, I was really excited to spread the word about Doggy Getaway-I [...]The post Owner Of D.C. Doggy Daycare Worried Her Military Parade Float Sticking Out appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6XZWB)
The post D.C. Air Traffic Controllers Given Day Off To Attend Military Parade appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6XZWA)
The post Pete Hegseth Vomits Out Of Tank Hatch appeared first on The Onion.
by The Onion Staff on (#6XZJJ)
A new study published in JAMA Internal Medicine found that the mental health of mothers in the United States declined significantly from 2016 to 2023, with the percentage of mothers who said their mental health was poor increasing-particularly among those who were single parents. What do you think?The post Study Finds Steep Drop In American Mothers' Mental Health appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6XZJK)
WASHINGTON-Emphasizing that the threat against Secretary of Homeland Security Kristi Noem remained active and ongoing, the FBI issued a statement Friday warning that a second California senator was still at large. While Alex Padilla has been safely taken into custody, we urge the public to be on the lookout for an additional, extremely dangerous senator [...]The post FBI Warns Second California Senator Still At Large appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6XZEM)
WASHINGTON-After he wasforciblyremoved from a press conference held in Los Angeles yesterday by Homeland Security Secretary Kristi Noem, Democrats in the House of Representatives backed a resolution Friday that thanked federal agents for handcuffing Sen. Alex Padilla (D-CA). We expressgratitudeto law enforcement for bravely apprehending a sitting U.S. senator who expressed dissent in a public [...]The post Democrats Back Resolution Thanking Federal Agents For Handcuffing Alex Padilla appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6XZEN)
LOS ANGELES-Stressing that she had significant reason to fear for her life during yesterday's confrontation, Homeland Security Secretary Kristi Noem told reporters Friday that she believed Sen. Alex Padilla had an even deadlier opinion that failed to go off. We found this individual possessed a second, far more lethal string of words locked and loaded, [...]The post Kristi Noem: Sen. Padilla Had Even Deadlier Opinion That Failed To Go Off appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6XZEP)
The post Kristi Noem Appears With Bandage Over Ear Struck By Words appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6XZEQ)
Saturday, June 14 marks the 250th anniversary of the founding of the U.S. Army, which will be celebrated with a festival and military parade in Washington, D.C. The Onion examines the facts and figures behind the event. 12: Repurposed Mastercard Pride floats 26%: Likelihood tanks cave in city street and plunge into center of Earth [...]The post Trump's Military Parade By The Numbers appeared first on The Onion.
by The Onion Staff on (#6XZBQ)
Iranian officials expanded a ban on dog walking to a swathe of cities across the country, with authorities calling dogs unclean" and claiming they symbolize a legacy of Western cultural influence. What do you think?The post Iran Cracks Down On Pet Dogs appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6XZBR)
The post Netanyahu Calls Iran Strikes Necessary To Prevent War He Just Started appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6XZ5Z)
LOS ANGELES-In recognition of their outstanding contributions to the true crime genre, convicted killers Lyle and Erik Menendez were honored this week with a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame.The Menendez brothers have truly set the standard for aspiring murderers everywhere," Monsters showrunner Ryan Murphy said in a speech noting that the duo's local [...]The post Menendez Brothers Receive Stars On Hollywood Walk Of Fame appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6XZ5Y)
WASHINGTON-In a landmark decision opposed only by Justice Neil Gorsuch, who advocated for at least one more serving of the tasty little crustaceans," a bloated and moaning Supreme Court ruled Friday that they had eaten too many shrimp. The court holds that we as a judicial body have consumed far more shrimp than anyone could [...]The post Bloated Supreme Court Rules They Ate Too Many Shrimp appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6XZ5X)
CHICAGO-In what the museum touted as a rare hands-on opportunity for the public to learn about the universe, the Adler Planetarium opened a new interactive exhibit Tuesday that offers guests the chance to touch a live protostar.A lot of people in the city have never had the experience of seeing a real protostar up close, [...]The post Interactive Planetarium Exhibit Offers Guests Chance To Touch Live Protostar appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6XZ5W)
Matthew Early, 65, passed away suddenly Wednesday, leaving behind two uneaten slices of pepperoni pizza.The post Matthew Early appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6XZ5V)
The post Father's Day Gift Wrapped In Paper Towel appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6XYQ6)
The U.K. banned the possession of ninja swords in a bid to curb what it has called a national knife crime crisis," carrying a penalty of up to six months in jail for the possession of one. What do you think?The post U.K. Bans Ninja Swords appeared first on The Onion.
by The Onion Staff on (#6XYQ7)
LOS ANGELES-Triumphantly planting the pole firmly into the ground, U.S. Marines reportedly raised the American flag outside a cell phone store Thursday after defeating a group of skateboarding teenagers. Victory!" cried out 1st Lt. Eric Mullaney, who wiped the sweat and grime from his brow and gazed up at the poignant sight of the billowing [...]The post Marines Raise American Flag Outside Cell Phone Store After Defeating Skateboarding Teenagers appeared first on The Onion.
by The Onion Staff on (#6XYMD)
The post ICE Vows To Restore Order Using Whatever Force Unnecessary appeared first on The Onion.
by The Onion Staff on (#6XYME)
Dakota Johnson stars in Materialists, a new romance from director Celine Song. The Onion sat down with the actress to discuss love, ambition, and what's next. The Onion: What drew you to Materialists? Johnson: I wanted a free trip to New York City. I'd never been before. It's cute. The Onion: What was it like [...]The post The Onion's Exclusive Interview With Dakota Johnson appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6XYB6)
Every entitled freeloader these days thinks they can get something for nothing. Complimentary this, state-sponsored that, just so long as they're not the ones who end up footing the bill. Well, I hate to break it to all the bums who might wish otherwise, but in this tit-for-tat world of ours, there's no such thing [...]The post There's No Such Thing As A Free Piggyback Ride appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6XYB5)
The post Shell-Shocked Soldier Ant Has Thousand-Inch Stare appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6XYB4)
Bride and groom were wed Friday after realizing they both had a craving for a giant vanilla cake.The post Emma Harter and Brendan Welter appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6XY32)
NEW YORK-Shedding light on the demographic shifts that have transformed the generation's relationships, a Hunter College study published Monday revealed that more single millennials were settling for a parrot who could dial 911.We're finding that an increasing number of millennials are forgoing a serious romantic partner in favor of a cockatiel or macaw who can [...]The post Study: More Single Millennials Settling For Parrot Who Can Dial 911 appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6XXKP)
An aid boat carrying environmental campaigner Greta Thunberg and other activists was intercepted by Israeli forces, with Israel's defense minister having vowed to prevent the ship from reaching the Gaza Strip. What do you think?The post Israel Intercepts Gaza Aid Boat With Greta Thunberg Aboard appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6XXD2)
LOS ANGELES-Teasing several juicy details on the heels of their recent $1 billion purchase of the franchise, Amazon officials announced Friday that the next James Bond film would feature the famed spy facing off against the threat of collective bargaining.We here at Amazon are so thrilled to bring James Bond back to the big screen, [...]The post Amazon Teases Next James Bond Will Face Off Against Threat Of Collective Bargaining appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6XXD1)
The post Dissolving Fillers Leave Face Completely Concave appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6XXD0)
This 2-bedroom, 1.5-bath home is conveniently located on a bustling stretch of tarmac at LaGuardia Airport. Reference #257977The post Close To Transportation appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6XWSZ)
PITTSBURGH-After the Steelers signed him to a one-year, $13.6 million deal with performance incentives, quarterback Aaron Rodgers reportedly purchased a lavish underground bunker Tuesday in the heart of Pittsburgh. I've always loved Pittsburgh, and I'm excited to finally get settled into a new survival shelter in an undisclosed location deep beneath the city," said the [...]The post Aaron Rodgers Purchases Lavish Pittsburgh-Area Bunker appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6XWP6)
WASHINGTON-Disseminating grainy footage of the California Democrat meeting his disturbing and bloody end, Immigration and Customs Enforcement released a video Tuesday in which Gov. Gavin Newsom is seen being beheaded. This is a message to the enemies of immigration enforcement: Gov. Newsom's fate will be yours should you stand in the way of national purity," [...]The post ICE Releases Gavin Newsom Beheading Video appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6XWKB)
The post The Onion's Box Office Hits appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6XWKA)
ATLANTA-Stressing that the rules were formulated for the safety of all Americans, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention released new guidelines Thursday governing female body hair.Effective immediately, women nationwide are advised to remove all hair from arms, legs, underarms, and genital areas or suffer the legal consequences," said CDC spokesperson Jamie Reardon, stressing that [...]The post CDC PublishesFemale Body Hair Guidelines appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6XWK9)
NEW BEDFORD, MA-Wishing he had seen more of life before taking on such a big commitment, local sailor Marcus Haines told reporters Tuesday that he regretted getting married to the sea so young.I was so captivated by those big blue waves that I never stopped to consider whether I was rushing into things with the [...]The post Sailor Regrets Getting Married To The Sea So Young appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6XWK8)
The post DHS Chief: We Are A Nation Of Immigrants Who Came Here Between 1776 And 1943' appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6XWK7)
The happy couple's wedding will be first come, first served and open to the public, so loved ones are encouraged to get there early.The post Ken Weathers and Timmie Sied appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6XW1A)
Hiking can be an enjoyable way to achieve your exercise goals while spending quality time in nature. Here are The Onion's tips for first-time hikers. Before heading into the wilderness, practice walking around and getting bored in your neighborhood. Carry a writing implement and paper for your heartbreaking last note. Don't hike with anyone you're [...]The post Tips For First-Time Hikers appeared first on The Onion.
by The Onion Staff on (#6XW1B)
A hungry wild elephant caused havoc in a grocery store in Thailand when he strolled in from a nearby national park and helped himself to food on the shelves. What do you think?The post Wild Elephant Raids Grocery Store appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6XW1C)
LOS ANGELES-Responding to escalating clashes between civilian activists and militarized immigration authorities, Los Angeles Mayor Karen Bass publicly urged protesters Monday not to give the Trump administration any pretext for what they're already doing and will keep doing no matter what. Angelenos-don't engage in violence and give the administration an excuse to inflict all the [...]The post Protesters Urged Not To Give Trump Administration Pretext For What It Already Doing appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6XVTV)
The biggest evacuation in the German city of Cologne since World War II is under way after the discovery of three unexploded bombs dropped by allied forces 80 years ago. What do you think?The post Cologne Evacuated After Discovery Of Unexploded WWII Bombs appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6XVMX)
WASHINGTON-Telling reporters that the move would do much to combat low U.S. fertility rates, President Donald Trump issued an executive order Friday reversing vasectomies nationwide.We're requiring all men to head to their doctors and have them undo these terrible, terrible procedures," the president said in an address from the Oval Office in which he clarified [...]The post Trump Issues Executive Order Reversing All Vasectomies appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6XVMW)
Statistically speaking, home is the place where you are most likely to die-so how's this one feel to you? Reference #28106The post Picture Yourself Dying Here appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6XT91)
WASHINGTON-As part of ongoing efforts to improve the efficiency with which it collects money for the world's richest man, officials at the Internal Revenue Service announced a new plan Tuesday allowing taxpayers to deposit payments directly into Elon Musk's bank account. The mandatory new service will reportedly help streamline the tax payment process, bypassing the [...]The post IRS Allows Taxpayers To Deposit Payments Directly Into Elon Musk's Bank Account appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6XT92)
WASHINGTON-Making sure the pair were sitting down before she delivered the news, White House chief of staff Susie Wiles reportedly told the Trump boys Friday that their Uncle Elon had been blown up in a rocket accident. Boys, your father wanted me to tell you that you won't be seeing your Uncle Elon anymore because [...]The post Weeping Trump Boys Told Uncle Elon' Blown Up In Rocket Accident appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6XT6G)
WASHINGTON-After days of listening to the tech billionaire criticize his Big Beautiful Bill,' President Donald Trump escalated his feud with Elon Musk Friday by nuking Mars. Elon was wearing thin,' I asked him to leave, and then I blew up his stupid planet that no one else cared about," Trump wrote in a post on [...]The post Trump Escalates Musk Feud By Nuking Mars appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6XT6H)
HBO's Harry Potter reboot is anticipated to hit the streaming service in 2026. The Onion shares everything that is known about the TV adaptation so far. Q: Is J.K. Rowling involved? A: The author will serve as Executive Producer and Chief Goodwill Destroyer. Q: Who is playing Dumbledore? A: John Lithgow stepped in after the [...]The post Everything Known About The New Harry Potter' Series So Far appeared first on The Onion.
by The Onion Staff on (#6XT37)
The owner of Pornhub has blocked access to its website in France because of its objections to a new French law requiring pornographic sites to verify the age of their users. What do you think?The post Pornhub Exits France Over Age Verification Law appeared first on The Onion.