The Onion

CINCINNATI-Explaining that the ongoing ordeal has added stress to an already difficult week, Cincinnati Bengals quarterback Joe Burrow expressed frustration Friday after the hospital he visited to treat his recent foot injury reportedly refused to accept the team's health insurance plan. I'm supposed to get my turf toe operated on, but the hospital apparently is [...]The post Joe Burrow Frustrated Hospital Won't Take Bengals' Insurance appeared first on The Onion.

Junk journaling, a hobby that involves using materials like receipts and ticket stubs to create a keepsake journal, has taken off among arts and crafts enthusiasts. The Onion shares tips for creating a junk journal of your own. Always be ready to petulantly explain why it's not exactly the same as scrapbooking. Visit a local [...]The post Tips For Junk Journaling appeared first on The Onion.

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WASHINGTON-Flipping through all of the options for the sixth time in a row as the clock approached 1 a.m., a bored President Donald Trump reportedly spent Thursday night channel surfing for new shows to cancel. It feels like I've already canceled everything on here, or it's from so long ago that it's no longer worth [...]The post Bored Trump Spends Night Channel Surfing For New Shows To Cancel appeared first on The Onion.

ORCHARD PARK, NY-Providing context for anyone who might've missed the past 156 years of gridiron action, play-by-play announcer Al Michaels reportedly took time during Thursday night's Dolphins-Bills game to recap the entire history of American football for viewers just tuning in. Now, before we get to this 3rd-and-7, a little background for those just joining [...]The post Al Michaels Recaps History Of Football For Viewers Just Tuning In appeared first on The Onion.

The post Charlie Kirk, Not In His Own Words: We Honor The Right-Wing Activist By Making Up Quotes That Sound Much Better, Given The Moment appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Thanking the government for defending the public from the terrifying screen in their homes, the American people confirmed Thursday that they were grateful to Republicans for protecting them from TV. Thank God we have the GOP to safeguard us from television and all the frightening people on it," said Seattle resident Eric Torento, echoing the [...]The post Nation Grateful To GOP For Protecting It From TV appeared first on The Onion.

The Life Of A Showgirl, Taylor Swift's newest album, will be released Oct. 3. The pop star gave The Onion a preview of the album, breaking it down for reporters track by track. The Fate of Ophelia": This is my gentle hint to fans that I will die one day." Elizabeth Taylor": This is not [...]The post Taylor Swift Breaks Down The Life Of A Showgirl' Track By Track appeared first on The Onion.

JERUSALEM-In response to an independent United Nations inquiry concluding that Israel is committing an ongoing genocide against Palestinians in Gaza, Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu issued a defiant statement Thursday in which he criticized the commission's finding, declaring that these so-called genocide experts have probably never committed a genocide in their lives." Until you've killed countless [...]The post Netanyahu: These So-Called Genocide Experts Have Probably Never Committed A Genocide In Their Lives' appeared first on The Onion.

LONDON-Claiming that he recognized the member of the royal family, but his memory was hazy, President Donald Trump has spent his entire trip to the U.K. trying to figure out where he knows Prince Andrew from, sources confirmed Thursday. Who is that guy? His face seems so familiar," said Trump, pausing in the middle of [...]The post Trump Spends Entire U.K. Trip Trying To Figure Out Where He Knows Prince Andrew From appeared first on The Onion.

This three-bedroom house was remodeled to look like a giant meatball after the owner mentioned to the host of an HGTV show that he sometimes eats Italian food. Reference #84502The post Post-HGTV Disaster appeared first on The Onion.

SAN FRANCISCO-In response to ongoing concerns regarding the safety of its female passengers, rideshare giant Uber reportedly introduced a new feature Wednesday that allows women to request a nonthreatening eunuch driver. With UberCastrated, female riders can feel more at ease on their way to bars and spin classes knowing their driver doesn't have testicles," said [...]The post New Uber Feature Allows Women To Request Nonthreatening Eunuch Driver appeared first on The Onion.

CLEARWATER, FL-Explaining that his personal health was everything to him, Tom Cruise told reporters Thursday he had purchased a Fitbit to help him get in his 10,000 daily stunts. Now that I'm getting older, it's more important than ever to make sure I'm staying active, whether that's going on a leisurely sprint across a crumbling [...]The post Tom Cruise Buys Fitbit To Help Him Get 10,000 Daily Stunts appeared first on The Onion.

Spirited away by carriage under cover of night, the two lovers were wed deep in the forest by an unfrocked priest.The post Luna Fisher and Oliver Cox appeared first on The Onion.

That fucker, aged who the fuck cares, finally kicked the bucket Monday, that prick. After living a no-good waste of a life, family and friends are invited to say good riddance, you sorry piece of shit.The post That Fucker appeared first on The Onion.

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This house has a great porch and gets plenty of natural light, but if you're going to spend 12 hours a day on Reddit, it doesn't really matter. Reference #57893The post As Good A Place To Become Embroiled In Conspiracy Theories As Any appeared first on The Onion.

So one bright morning around nine, sunlight streaming through her mini-blinds, your ol' pal Jean rolled out of bed (literally!), slurped a mug of piping hot cocoa, and chowed down on the last of the two-day-old day-old cinnamon rolls, took a nice hot shower, and logged on to her sorta trusty PC. The monitor read [...]The post Jean's Own Goals appeared first on The Onion.

NEW YORK-In an effort to relieve public concern over the thousands of footballs that go missing every season, an internal report by the National Football League confirmed Friday that the majority of fumbles were recovered within the first 48 hours. Looking at our history all the way back to 1920, it has thankfully been very [...]The post Report Finds Majority Of Fumbles Recovered Within First 48 Hours appeared first on The Onion.

NEW YORK-Insisting your fate was sealed the moment you clicked the link, a report released Tuesday found that you will be fired for reading this headline about Charlie Kirk. Shortly after you navigated to this article, your IP address was logged and your supervisor approved the decision to remove you from your position," the report [...]The post Report: You To Be Fired For Reading This Headline About Charlie Kirk appeared first on The Onion.

ST. GEORGE, UT-As questions continue to swirl regarding the motive behind last week's assassination of Charlie Kirk, The Wall Street Journal published a bombshell investigation Monday that suggests alleged gunman Tyler Robinson, 22, once had a transgender Uber driver. In its thorough examination of the suspect's activities in the years leading up the shooting, the [...]The post Bombshell Wall Street Journal' Investigation Finds Tyler Robinson Once Had Trans Uber Driver appeared first on The Onion.

Gov. Gavin Newsom has gained increasing national attention for targeting President Donald Trump in the media, reportedly boosting his national standing as the unofficial Democratic frontrunner for 2028, according to polls. The Onion sat down with the California governor to discuss his political strategy. The Onion: What are your core beliefs? Newsom: Are those a [...]The post The Onion's Exclusive Interview With Gavin Newsom appeared first on The Onion.

SCOPELLO, SICILY-Beaming before the elegant pile of white powder, Charli XCX and her new husband George Daniel reportedly gathered their wedding guests together Sunday to cut the cocaine. Wow, just look at that thing-it's gorgeous," said wedding guest Lucy Rumsey, who clapped and cheered as the pop star picked up a credit card and Daniel [...]The post Charli XCX, George Daniel Gather Wedding Guests To Cut The Coke appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON, UT-As he described a massive backlog of murders that continued to stump the agency he leads, desperate FBI director Kash Patel reportedly asked the family of alleged Charlie Kirk assassin Tyler Robinson on Monday if they could solve any other cases. You showed a real knack for catching criminals when you identified your son [...]The post Desperate Kash Patel Asks Shooter's Family If They Can Solve Any Other Cases appeared first on The Onion.

CAMBRIDGE, MA-Describing the practice as vital to player development," researchers at Harvard University published a study Monday that shows immediate skin-to-skin contact between NFL coaches and newly drafted players significantly improves adaptation to the professional level and long-term performance on the field. The first few hours after getting drafted are crucial-when a coach removes his [...]The post Study Shows Benefits Of Skin-To-Skin Contact Between New Players, Coaches appeared first on The Onion.

DENTON, TX-In what is being hailed as a heroic intervention that provided critical support at a moment when her life was at stake, sources confirmed Tuesday that local 911 operator Justin Lyle had successfully walked panicked woman Jessica Brooks through the process of being murdered. During the emergency call, received at 12:07 a.m. after a [...]The post 911 Operator Walks Panicked Woman Through Being Murdered appeared first on The Onion.

The pair married Friday, which instantly fixed every underlying problem in their relationship, including poor communication skills, undiagnosed mental health disorders, incompatible personalities, and infidelity.The post Shane Collins and Charlie Quentin appeared first on The Onion.

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ARLINGTON, TX-Panicking at the realization that their personal reputations had been directly tied to the team's dismal performance in recent years, several members of the New York Giants were reportedly horrified to learn before Sunday's game that their uniforms have their names on the back. Wait...so the millions of people watching on national television can [...]The post Giants Players Horrified To Learn Uniforms Have Names On Back appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Fulfilling his pledge to realign the mission of the White House kitchen with the vision of the Founding Fathers, President Donald Trump signed an executive order this week officially renaming the White House refrigerator the U.S. Department of Ham. When Thomas Jefferson had the first ice house installed in 1801, the name Department of Ham [...]The post Trump Renames White House Fridge Department Of Ham appeared first on The Onion.

Sombr, the artist behind hits Undressed" and Back To Friends," won his first ever award at the 2025 MTV VMAs on Sunday. The Onion shares everything you need to know about the singer. Birthplace: Liminal space Age: However old Sufjan Stevens' Illinois feels to you Genre: Alt-horny Hairstyle: The Muammar Gaddafi VMA Received: Most Recent [...]The post Artist Profile: Sombr appeared first on The Onion.

DESTIN, FL-In an expression of disgust and contempt for the scarlet, peeling crowd of beachgoers streaming past them, the vacationing Hoekstra family reportedly affirmed their viewpoint Monday that getting sunburned was a moral failing.Some people just have no forethought, no discipline," said Ellen Hoekstra, the family's 48-year-old matriarch, who watched from her seat on a [...]The post Family Views Getting Sunburned As Moral Failing appeared first on The Onion.

RACINE, WI-Saying the new product attacks and intimidates pests right where they live," popular insecticide brand Raid introduced its first-ever bug doxxing kit Tuesday.Our complete doxxing system brings insect eradication into the 21st century by revealing the exact locations of termite mounds and ant colonies, a practice that encourages anonymous individuals on the internet to [...]The post Raid Introduces New Bug Doxxing Kit appeared first on The Onion.

Freida Meeks, 90, died Sunday but will not be discovered by staff at her ramshackle nursing home for another three months.The post Freida Meeks appeared first on The Onion.

SALT LAKE CITY-Alarmed by numerous reports that the vice president was currently en route to the state, sources confirmed Thursday that a visit from JD Vance was the last thing Utah needed right now. We're already going through a lot, but to add JD Vance on top of everything else?" said one Utah resident, who [...]The post Visit From JD Vance Last Thing Utah Needs Right Now appeared first on The Onion.

OREM, UT-As law enforcement officials search for a person of interest in the assassination of 31-year-old Turning Point USA co-founder Charlie Kirk, witnesses on the scene at Utah Valley University admitted Thursday they had assumed the shooter was just an ordinary gunman on campus. When that first shot rang out, we all figured it was [...]The post Witnesses Assumed Charlie Kirk Shooter Was Just Ordinary Gunman On School Campus appeared first on The Onion.

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Chicagoans are waiting tensely to see whether President Donald Trump will follow through on his threat to deploy the National Guard. The Onion examines the pros and cons of sending troops to the city. PRO They get to see where The Good Wife took place Troops barely go to go anywhere last administration Sends strong [...]The post Pros And Cons Of Deploying Troops To Chicago appeared first on The Onion.