The Onion

PHOENIX-Appealing to his base with a new line of attack against immigrants, former President Donald Trump took to the campaign trail Monday to warn that those in the country illegally were taking all the good vanity plates. Every day, people come up to me to tell me they can't get the very clever, personalized license [...]The post Trump Warns Immigrants Taking All The Good Vanity Plates appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Removing his aviators and crouching down to take a better look, U.S. Secretary of Transportation Pete Buttigieg reportedly examined a set of tire tracks Mondays and confirmed, with a swipe of his finger across the asphalt, that they were still fresh. Still warm, too," said the former South Bend, IN mayor, dabbing his finger onto [...]The post Still Fresh,' Says Crouching Pete Buttigieg Swiping Finger Across Tire Tracks On Street appeared first on The Onion.

After analyzing the skulls and brain tissue of nine people buried in a mid-17th-century Italian hospital's crypt, researchers at the University of Milan found that two had most likely used cocaine, offering the earliest evidence of cocaine use in Europe. What do you think?The post Study Finds Europeans Used Cocaine Earlier Than Once Thought appeared first on The Onion.

Recent polls show support for former President Donald Trump is falling among women voters. Here are some of the strategies Trump and his campaign staff are using to try to win women back before November. Promising to declutter their rights:Women will embrace the opportunity to simplify their lives by having fewer choices.Providing empowering female representation:To [...]The post How Trump Is Appealing To Women Voters appeared first on The Onion.

MOSCOW-Explaining that Russia's patience on the matter had finally reached a breaking point, officials in Moscow confirmed Friday they had expelled six British diplomats who would not shut up aboutDoctor Who. London must realize that their diplomats' incessant jabbering about Time Lord physiology and whether Daleks or Cybermen are stronger can only go on so [...]The post Moscow Expels 6 British Diplomats Who Would Not Shut Up About Doctor Who' appeared first on The Onion.

FOSTORIA, OH-Claiming such accounts chilled him to the very bone, Ohio resident Danny Gleisner, 53, told reporters Friday that he felt deeply disturbed by reports of Haitian immigrants in the state eating vegetables. All this I'm hearing about Haitians chopping up and eating produce just doesn't sit right with me," said Gleisner, explaining that while [...]The post Ohioan Disturbed By Reports Of Haitians Eating Vegetables appeared first on The Onion.

Researchers at Stanford University have discovered that a common yellow food dye can make skin, muscle, and connective tissues temporarily transparent in mice, with scientists able to see blood vessels in the rodent's brain after smearing it on the animal's scalp. What do you think?The post Food Dye Used In Doritos Makes Mice's Skin Transparent appeared first on The Onion.

Ultra-processed foods are a category of foods that includes frozen pizzas, sodas, and sweetened breakfast cereals.The Onionexamines the myths and facts surrounding ultra-processed foods. MYTH: Ultra-processed foods contain few nutrients. FACT: Ultra-processed foods are rich in simple carbohydrates, sodium, and trans fats. MYTH: Ultra-processed foods have little value. FACT: It's impossible to quantify how much [...]The post Ultra-Processed Foods: Myth Vs. Fact appeared first on The Onion.

The post Woman With Disease Sent Article About Celebrity With Disease appeared first on The Onion.

VATICAN CITY-In an effort to curb a rising number of immoral offenses, the Corps of Gendarmerie of Vatican City announced Friday the deployment of a new unit of highly trained sin-sniffing dogs. This unit of elite K-9 officers has been taught to alert their handlers to sinful behavior by loudly barking and immediately engaging the [...]The post Vatican City Police Unveil New Unit Of Sin-Sniffing Dogs appeared first on The Onion.

SAN CLEMENTE, CA-Taking a long, full sip of her wine and exclaiming that her children were miracles," local mother Jane Donahue was reportedly drunk enough Friday to start listing off the names she'd given to each of her miscarriages. Boys...boys, I don't think I ever told you, but you were supposed to have a beautiful, [...]The post Mother Drunk Enough To Start Listing Names Of Miscarriages appeared first on The Onion.

In celebration of the series's 25th anniversary, HBO has releasedWise Guy: David Chase And The Sopranos, a new two-part documentary about the making of the series featuring interviews with the creator, cast, and crew.The Onionshares the most shocking takeaways from the documentary.The post Most Shocking Takeaways From HBO's New Sopranos' Documentary appeared first on The Onion.

The post Our Devices: They're Listening, Sure, But Do They Really Get Us? appeared first on The Onion.

CINCINNATI-Saying the new product offered its customers a way to clean up after-dinner messes with 100% less scrubbing, the dishwashing brand Dawn announced Thursday it would begin selling a small silver bell for summoning a butler to deal with the dishes. Finally, a powerful dish bell that's tough on grease but gentle on your ears," [...]The post Dawn Unveils New Small Silver Bell For Summoning Butler To Deal With Dishes appeared first on The Onion.

CHICAGO-In an act of astonishing fortitude that showed he drew upon a seemingly endless well of mystic strength, local man Anthony Palmer reportedly replied STOP" Thursday to a political fundraiser text like a powerful wizard casting a spell to ward off a mythical beast. Sources confirmed that moments after receiving the Kamala Harris fundraising message, [...]The post Man Replies STOP' To Political Fundraiser Text Like Powerful Wizard Casting Spell To Ward Off Mythical Beast appeared first on The Onion.

The post 9/11 Truther Questions Why There Were Two Huge Bullseyes Painted On Side Of Twin Towers appeared first on The Onion.

Saying Gaza had experienced the worst death and destruction he had seen in his nearly eight-year tenure, U.N. Secretary-General Antonio Guterres demanded an end to the hostilities and offered U.N. support for any ceasefire. What do you think?The post U.N. Chief Calls Gaza Death Toll Worst He's Seen appeared first on The Onion.

LOS ANGELES-In an effort to better cater to its customer base, Sweetgreen unveiled an expanded line of kids' meals Wednesday for adult women with eating disorders. For years, our gaunt customers have been telling us they love the 275-calorie children's Mini Mezze, but they just wish it were smaller," said Anne Sindler, a spokesperson for [...]The post Sweetgreen Expands Line Of Kids' Meals For Adult Women With Eating Disorders appeared first on The Onion.

NEW YORK-Noting that the 5-year-old purebred ultimately meant more to them than any of their ungrateful, deadbeat children, the nation's baby boomers reportedly decided Wednesday to leave their entire $78.55 trillion fortune to a single spoiled Pomeranian. Upon our death, we formally request that our whole estate be left to dear Mitzi, the only one [...]The post Baby Boomers Leave Entire $78.55 Trillion Fortune To Single Spoiled Pomeranian appeared first on The Onion.

EVERYWHERE-Emphasizing that the creature was nowhere to be found, every child at every zoo exhibit across the planet reported Wednesday that they couldn't see the animals. Where is it? Where is it? I can't see!" said 6-year-old Oliver Saladino, echoing the sentiment of children around the world while pointing an outstretched arm at the enclosure [...]The post I Can't See It,' Reports Child At Every Zoo Exhibit appeared first on The Onion.

The post Today's Historic Front Page: September 10, 2024 appeared first on The Onion.

The post Trump Spends Entire Debate Trying To Pluck Strand Of Harris' Hair For DNA Test appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Noting a distinct lack of energy and focus from the incumbent, Democratic Party officials were reportedly alarmed Tuesday by President Joe Biden's poor performance as a debate viewer. Confidence is waning among party leaders after the president's uninspiring attempt to focus during the debate tonight," said a high-ranking Democratic official, who remarked that it was [...]The post Dems Alarmed By Joe Biden's Poor Performance As Debate Viewer appeared first on The Onion.

PHILADELPHIA-In an effort to throw his Democratic opponent off balance, Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump reportedly attempted to rattle Kamala Harris during Tuesday evening's debate by turning his eyelids inside out. Kamala, hey Kamala-look over here," said the former president, who waved his arms and slapped the top of his lectern in a bid to [...]The post Trump Tries To Rattle Harris By Turning Eyelids Inside Out appeared first on The Onion.

The post Trump Pronouncing Harris' Wrong appeared first on The Onion.

The post David Muir: Yes, My Penis Is As Beautiful As You Think. Now Let's Start The Debate.' appeared first on The Onion.

The post ABC Budget Cuts Force Producers To Reuse Set From General Hospital' As Debate Stage appeared first on The Onion.

PHILADELPHIA-Pointing proudly while his wife took the lectern at the presidential debate, Doug Emhoff reportedly asked So, which one's yours?" while trying to make small talk with former first lady Melania Trump backstage. It's so nice to meet you, Melania, welcome to the group-does one of these little rascals belong to you, too?" asked Doug [...]The post So, Which One's Yours?' Asks Doug Emhoff Trying To Make Small Talk With Melania Backstage appeared first on The Onion.

PHILADELPHIA-Pummeling the hanging piece of meat repeatedly with profanities and jabs, former President Donald Trump was reportedly training for the presidential debate Tuesday by arguing with a side of beef. You're a terrible side of beef-maybe the worst side of beef I've ever seen," said Trump, who wiped sweat off his brow from the exertion [...]The post Trump Trains For Debate By Arguing With Side Of Beef Hanging In Meat Locker appeared first on The Onion.

The post Unloading At College appeared first on The Onion.

TERRE HAUTE, IN-Having confirmed his suspicions of his wife's infidelity, local husband Mark Polanco filed for divorce Monday after a DNA test revealed that the child he had been raising as his own only shared half his genes. I just can't be with someone who would do something that awful, telling me I'm the biological [...]The post Husband Files For Divorce After DNA Test Reveals Child Only Shares Half His Genes appeared first on The Onion.

DAYTON, OH-Calling the first two rough, but ultimately worth it," local 53-year-old Mark Butler confirmed Tuesday he had gotten his triple bypass reversed after deciding he wanted a third heart attack after all. Why not? There's still time," said Butler, who admitted he had been a little hasty" when he originally opted to undergo the [...]The post Man Gets Triple Bypass Reversed After Deciding He Wants Third Heart Attack appeared first on The Onion.

The Justice Department accused Russia of using unwitting right-wing influencers-including well-known personalities such as Tim Pool, Dave Rubin, and Benny Johnson-in its quest to amplify U.S. domestic divisions ahead of the 2024 presidential election, racking up millions of views. What do you think?The post Right-Wing Influencers Covertly Funded By Russia appeared first on The Onion.

PUNTA GORDA, FL-Expressing bafflement at the amount of plainly idiotic behavior he was witnessing, local man Tobias Coffey stated Monday that he could not understand how the cartoon character on the screen in front of him could be such as dumbass. Wow, you really are a moron, aren't you?" said Coffey, who sat alone in [...]The post Man Can't Believe What A Dumbass Cartoon Character Is appeared first on The Onion.

LOS ANGELES-Praising the latest of the car's bleeding-edge features that felt like they came from the future, Cybertruck owner Anselm Hart bragged to friends Monday about its high-tech pedal that makes the vehicle accelerate when pressed. It's this bonkers, next-level thing that lets you go fast when push it down on it with your foot," [...]The post Cybertruck Owner Brags About High-Tech Pedal That Makes Vehicle Accelerate When Pressed appeared first on The Onion.

CINCINNATI-In an act that demonstrated a singularly cold-blooded focus, 32-year-old Andrew Thompson reportedly turned off his phone Monday with the intensity of a mobster smothering a key witness with a pillow. Sources confirmed that as Thompson grasped the iPhone, his right hand shook while pushing down its side power button as if he were struggling [...]The post Phone Manually Turned Off With Intensity Of Mobster Smothering Witness With Pillow appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Saying that she was probably just bloated from the milkshake, grilled cheese, and deep-fried Oreos her running mate had ordered them both for breakfast, Democratic presidential candidate Kamala Harris struggled to button her pantsuit Monday after a month of hanging out with Tim Walz. Hoo, buddy, I know Tim and I have been eating a [...]The post Kamala Harris Struggling To Button Pantsuit After Month Of Hanging Out With Tim Walz appeared first on The Onion.

Slavery reparations bill H.R. 40, named after the unfulfilled Civil War promise of 40 acres and a mule," has been introduced in every congressional session since 1989.The Onionexamines the pros and cons of reparations for Black Americans. PRO: Get to watch some poor sucker decide who's included and who's not. CON: Whole point of slavery [...]The post Pros And Cons Of Reparations appeared first on The Onion.

CLEVELAND-Covering the Browns vs. Cowboys game for his highly anticipated Fox Sports broadcasting debut, Tom Brady provided a detailed analysis Sunday of how easy it would be for him to take Dallas quarterback Dak Prescott's job. As someone who competed in the NFL against Dak for seven seasons, I know his game very well, and [...]The post Tom Brady Provides Detailed Analysis Of How Easy It Would Be For Him ToTake Dak Prescott's Job appeared first on The Onion.

CINCINNATI-Wincing at the sound of the two palms coming into contact with each other, the Cincinnati Bengals coaching staff reportedly held its breath Sunday after Joe Burrow endured a rough high-five from a teammate. Oof, that looked like it hurt," said commentator Ian Eagle, who narrated a replay of the congratulatory gesture showing the 27-year-old [...]The post Bengals Coaching Staff Holding Breath After Joe Burrow Endures Rough High-Five appeared first on The Onion.

KANSAS CITY, MO-Growing increasingly alarmed as she stared at her boyfriend Travis Kelce's upcoming 2024 schedule, a horrified Taylor Swift reportedly realized for the first time Friday that football happens every year. So football...that's not just a thing Travis did last fall for a couple of months-that's something that's going to happen again and again?" [...]The post Horrified Taylor Swift Realizes Football Happens Every Year appeared first on The Onion.

PLAINS, GA-Opening his eyes to find an empty room eerily devoid of any sounds, former President Jimmy Carter reportedly awoke Friday to learn that he had seemingly outlived every single person in America. Hello? Is anybody there? Can anyone hear me?" said the 99-year-old in a shouted plea, stumbling through the halls of an abandoned [...]The post Jimmy Carter Awakens To Learn He Outlived Every Single Person In America appeared first on The Onion.

Venezuela's authoritarian leader Nicolas Maduro decreed that Christmas will start Oct. 1 in the country, the announcement coming as Venezuela grapples with the fallout from a July presidential election that saw Maduro claim a third term despite global skepticism and outcry from the country's opposition movement. What do you think?The post Venezuelan President Declares Christmas In October appeared first on The Onion.

Despite its looming U.S. ban, TikTok continues to grow in popularity, with over 1 billion active monthly users across the globe.The Onionshares tips for growing your follower count on the social media platform.The post Tips For Growing Your TikTok Following appeared first on The Onion.

NEW YORK-Catering to consumers whose dogs have an aversion to outdoor surfaces, pet accessory brand Wild One unveiled new antigravity hover shoes Friday designed to protect canine paws from hazards by allowing the wearer to float up to six inches off the ground. We're thrilled to introduce thesestylish and practicalbooties to help your pup avoid [...]The post New Antigravity Hover Shoes Protect Dogs' Paws From Anything Within 6 Inches Of Ground appeared first on The Onion.