by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#4NTD6)
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The Onion
| Link | https://theonion.com/ |
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| Updated | 2026-05-06 13:15 |
by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#4NTD7)
MISSOULA, MT—Observing that she seems to “go a bit overboard†with her enthusiasm for the season, sources confirmed Friday that local woman Linda Gillespie is so obsessed with Christmas that she worships Jesus Christ throughout the entire year. “Even in summer, Linda will be brimming with the holiday spirit and…Read more...
by The Onion on Sports, shared by The Onion to The On on (#4NTD8)
NAPA, CA—Revealing that the writing staff kept his character arc a secret up until the final days, Raiders quarterback Derek Carr felt distraught Friday after reading the scene in his Hard Knocks finale script where he stabs Antonio Brown. “I know the showrunners have been setting up AB’s downfall, but it is still…Read more...
by The Onion on (#4NTDA)
Issuing tax exemptions to religious institutions has long been a practice of the secular U.S. government, but critics argue that it has a negative economic and social impact overall. The Onion takes a look at the pros and cons of tax exemptions for religious institutions.Read more...
by The Onion on Onion Gamers Network, shared by The O on (#4NTD9)
If you’ve called yourself a gamer in the past 30 years, then you know the name, Hideo Kojima. As the mastermind writer, director, and designer behind the mind-boggling Metal Gear series and the upcoming PS4 exclusive Death Stranding, Kojima is a force to be reckoned with in the video game world, known for his elusive…Read more...
by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#4NTDB)
ALBUQUERQUE, NM—Rending his garments and dashing towards the door as his face began to twist in anguish, distraught man Andrew Wan, brought to the verge of tears by personal news of a deeply distressing nature, reportedly burst out of a crowded room Friday like he was transforming into a werewolf. “Oh, God, no! It’s…Read more...
by The Onion on (#4NTDC)
A poll released Wednesday found that 42% of respondents who voted for Trump in 2016 would hold him partially responsible for an economic downturn, and another 7% said he would be solely responsible. What do you think?Read more...
by OnionNews on (#4NS3P)
BRASILIA—In response to an environmental crisis that threatened mass swaths of the country, the Brazilian government announced Thursday that it was equipping crews of firefighters with flamethrowers to combat the massive Amazon rainforest. “We have marshaled our resources and distributed flamethrowers to thousands of…Read more...
by OnionNews on Sports, shared by OnionNews to The On on (#4NS3Q)
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by The Onion on (#4NS3R)
The Trump administration has announced it is ending a federal court agreement that limits detainment of migrant families with children to 20 days, although the new policy will almost certainly be challenged in court. What do you think?Read more...
by The Onion on (#4NS3S)
WASHINGTON—Advising motorists to remain vigilant at all times, the U.S. Department of Transportation released a report Thursday that found the vast majority of freeway accidents could have been filmed. “Our data revealed that in almost every instance where a massive car wreck occurred, there was something that alert…Read more...
by The Onion on (#4NRED)
BRANE MULTIVERSE 378-C—In an effort to better comply with recent moves to abolish limits on migrant detention, ICE officials announced Thursday that they planned to open an interdimensional detention center to indefinitely imprison migrants across an infinite number of multiverses. “With our new hyperspace-based…Read more...
by The Onion on (#4NREE)
WESTERLY, RI—Sources confirmed Thursday that a cartoon lasso was reportedly working implausibly well, accomplishing feats that are simply impossible according to any known laws of physics. “Oh, how convenient, the lasso just flew through the air hundreds of feet and perfectly roped nine cattle rustlers and their…Read more...
by The Onion on Onion Gamers Network, shared by The O on (#4NREF)
One way developers often depict their game environments is by including a clump of grass. Here are 10 clumps of grass in video games.Read more...
by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#4NR47)
CHICOPEE, MA—Expressing regret that she just didn’t have the time to properly look after the locks, local woman Nicole Parker reportedly tearfully parted with her long hairstyle Thursday after realizing she couldn’t provide it with the kind of care it deserves. “I’m sorry, but I just can’t give you what you need…Read more...
by The Onion on (#4NQYZ)
The new James Bond will be titled No Time To Die and released in April 2020, according to a social media announcement about the film, which will see Daniel Craig’s character recruited from a vacation in Jamaica to thwart a global plot. What do you think?Read more...
by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#4NQT2)
SANTA FE—Pointing with great emphasis and loudly declaring her impressions of her surroundings, local toddler Sophia Krauss, 3, was reportedly standing up in a shopping cart and surveying the grocery store in the manner of a grizzled, windburnt sea captain on a long and perilous whaling expedition. Witnesses confirmed…Read more...
by The Onion on Entertainment, shared by The Onion to on (#4NQT3)
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by The Onion on (#4NPG0)
BALTIMORE—Stressing that such coping strategies helped with setbacks ranging from losses in the coal markets to a decline in family fortunes, a study released Wednesday by Johns Hopkins University found that the best way of dealing with life’s disappointments still remained casting a snifter of rare Scotch into a…Read more...
by The Onion on (#4NPBR)
President Trump on Tuesday said that any Jewish person who votes Democrat shows “either a total lack of knowledge or great disloyalty,†drawing criticism from those who said the president’s remarks were evoking an anti-Semitic stereotype. What do you think?Read more...
by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#4NNRJ)
BOSTON—Revealing that they would immediately halt all research and shutter all relevant university programs, representatives from the field of demographic research and analysis announced at a press conference Wednesday that the discipline had completely collapsed when Alice Cromwell, 92, purchased a Monster energy…Read more...
by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#4NNRM)
MONTCLAIR, NJ—Emphasizing that the last thing he wanted to do was offend someone in their own home, local man Tyler Fredriksson told reporters Wednesday that he wasn’t sure if his friend’s house was the type where he was supposed to take off his clothes before entering. “Growing up, my family kept our shirts, pants,…Read more...
by The Onion on Sports, shared by The Onion to The On on (#4NNDQ)
LOWELL, MA—In a huge blow to the already neglected varsity team, the Lowell High School football program found its future season in jeopardy this week after administrators allocated $500,000 of school funds to the theater department’s upcoming production of Little Women. “We’re worried about the future of the program.…Read more...
by The Onion on (#4NNDR)
San Diego authorities uncovered nearly four tons of marijuana smuggled beneath a shipment of jalapeños at the Otay Mesa Port of Entry. What do you think?Read more...
by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#4NNDS)
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by The Onion on (#4NNDT)
Politically driven boycotts of consumer products and pressure on companies to stop advertising on controversial platforms have been a hallmark of the Trump era, but boycotts in America go back well before the 45th president. The Onion takes a look at the history of consumer boycotts in the U.S.Read more...
by The Onion on (#4NNDV)
SILVER SPRING, MD—Emphasizing that they never intended to leak the vast trove of state secrets to a foreign entity, Discovery Channel pulled the controversial nuclear power episode of How It’s Made Wednesday after realizing the show had allowed Iran access top-secret U.S. Department of Energy designs. “Had we known…Read more...
by The Onion on (#4NM02)
HypoPet AG, a Swiss-based company, announced it has developed a vaccine called HypoCat that can be administered to cats to neutralize allergy-causing dander. What do you think?Read more...
by The Onion on (#4NM03)
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by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#4NM04)
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by The Onion on Sports, shared by The Onion to The On on (#4NKKK)
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by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#4NKFN)
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by The Onion on Onion Gamers Network, shared by The O on (#4NK4V)
Listen up, Yoshi fans! After years of speculation about why Mario’s companion can throw eggs to defeat enemies, we just got definitive confirmation from the company that Yoshi’s ability is meant to be a pro-choice political statement.Read more...
by The Onion on Entertainment, shared by The Onion to on (#4NJZY)
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by The Onion on Entertainment, shared by The Onion to on (#4NJZZ)
NORTH CARTHAGE, MO—Seemingly oblivious to what was going on outside of his home just a few feet away, sources confirmed Tuesday that the main character in a thriller film was completely unaware of the hundreds of reporters that had descended upon his front lawn until the very moment he opened the front door. “You’d…Read more...
by The Onion on (#4NK00)
In a positive development for future and current outbreaks, experimental trials found that individuals have a 90% survival rate when treated with a new set of antibody-based Ebola treatments called REGN-EB3 and mAb114, which will now be deployed to all outbreak patients in the Democratic Republic of Congo. What do you…Read more...
by The Onion on (#4NHA7)
FAIRFAX, VA—Citing the founding fathers’ strongly held beliefs regarding violent retribution, the National Rifle Association warned Monday that a ban on assault weapons would infringe on the constitutional and inalienable right of Americans to make them all pay. “Lawmakers need to understand the importance of having…Read more...
by The Onion on (#4NH6F)
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by The Onion on Sports, shared by The Onion to The On on (#4NH1A)
NEW YORK—Promising to do everything in his power to help the former starting quarterback, hip-hop superstar and business mogul Jay-Z pledged Monday to make sure Colin Kaepernick gets a contract with an NFL stadium shop. “Kaepernick has stayed in great shape, and I am confident that he could achieve a great deal of…Read more...
by The Onion on (#4NGWX)
THE HEAVENS—In what many are calling a “pathetically soft sentence†for the recently deceased sex offender, multiple angels confirmed Monday that Jeffrey Epstein was free to visit Earth six days a week under the terms of a new sweetheart afterlife deal. “According to heavenly sources, Mr. Epstein was granted entry…Read more...
by The Onion on (#4NGWY)
LOS ANGELES—Saying that its characteristic markings had likely evolved as a defense mechanism, experts at UCLA confirmed Monday that the Doritos bag developed its bright, distinctive coloring as an evolutionary tactic to warn would-be predators that it could kill them if consumed. “After extensive research, we can…Read more...
by The Onion on (#4NGR3)
NEW YORK—Bemoaning the paper’s recent series focusing on the role slavery played in American history, Newt Gingrich slammed The New York Times’ 1619 Project Monday as shameless abolitionist propaganda. “What we’re seeing is the tragic decline of The New York Times into a propaganda paper that’s clearly operating in…Read more...
by The Onion on (#4NH6G)
Top White House economic adviser Larry Kudlow said on Fox News Sunday that the White House is looking into the possibility of buying Greenland, despite the fact that Greenland’s government recently confirmed that the island was “not for sale.†What do you think?Read more...
by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#4NGR4)
LA CROSSE, WI—The initially heartwarming story of cancer patient Trevor Powell’s visit to heaven came under scrutiny Monday after sources close to the boy revealed that, upon reflection, the account sounded more and more like a wet dream. “At first, when Trevor said that he was going into a dark tunnel and felt a warm…Read more...
by The Onion on Onion Gamers Network, shared by The O on (#4NGDD)
At Onion Gamers Network, we always strive to provide the pinnacle in gaming news, commentary, previews, and reviews. On rare occasions, however, we have failed to live up to these lofty standards and must take significant steps to correct these missteps. Today, we find ourselves needing to do just that. After a…Read more...
by The Onion on Sports, shared by The Onion to The On on (#4NGDE)
BOSTON—Frustrated that he had gone decades in the ring without once being warned of the risks, aging boxing veteran Tony Sheehan told reporters Monday that he wished someone had told him that being repeatedly punched unconscious for years could damage his brain. “I mean, I guess I kind of knew it couldn’t be exactly…Read more...
by The Onion on (#4NDYV)
Former Colorado Gov. John Hickenlooper announced that he will drop out of the 2020 presidential race in order to pursue a bid for Senate. What do you think?Read more...