The Onion

STANFORD, CA-In a breakthrough shedding crucial light on the commonly misunderstood mental health affliction, a new study by researchers at Stanford University revealed Wednesday that depression was most common among individuals who look into the mirror smiling only for their reflection to be sad. Across all demographics, we've seen a strong correlation between severe depression [...]The post Study: Depression Most Common In Individuals Who Look In Mirror Smiling But Reflection Sad appeared first on The Onion.

HUNTINGTON, NY-Eagerly explaining to the 9-year-old that the investment was already down 11% since purchase, Marcus Aldaco reportedly gave his son Eddie his first stock Wednesday so the boy could learn early about losing everything. I want Eddie to have a firm grasp of how to sink money into a hot stock and then get [...]The post Child Given First Stock To Learn About Losing Everything Early appeared first on The Onion.

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BEVERLY, MA-Launching into preparations months early in an effort to get a head start, proactive local man Mark Cromwell was reportedly already working on his Dracula impression Wednesday so it would be ready for Halloween. An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure when it comes to having a world-class Count Dracula voice,"said [...]The post Proactive Man Starts Working On Dracula Impression Early So It Ready For Halloween appeared first on The Onion.

BRAINERD, MN-Admitting that it was finally time to grow up and start making healthy life choices, local man Russell McGrath told reporters Monday that he was cutting back from drinking six normal beers a day and would now just drink three huge ones. While it may have been fine back in my 20s, drinking a [...]The post Man Cuts Back From 6 Normal Beers Per Day To 3 Huge Ones appeared first on The Onion.

SAN DIEGO-Shocked by the Immigration and Customs Enforcement raids affecting her very own community, local 43-year-old Jillian Beamer told reporters Monday she had assumed President Donald Trump would only deport people on the list she mailed to the White House. With all of these deportations going on, I can't help but feel like he's breaking [...]The post MAGA Voter Assumed Trump Would Only Deport People On List She Mailed To White House appeared first on The Onion.

STAVANGER, NORWAY-Moments after a stunning defeat by 19-year-oldIndian prodigy Gukesh Dommaraju, befuddled chess grandmaster Magnus Carlsen exclaimed Monday that he had been bested by the dreaded checkmate gambit. My God, you've played the fearful Checkmate Gambit, haven't you? An astonishing piece of strategy," said the visibly flustered Carlsen, his eyes scanning the board to determine [...]The post Befuddled Magnus Carlsen Bested By Dreaded Checkmate Gambit appeared first on The Onion.

AUSTIN, TX-Reconsidering his recent departure from Washington as the words YOU DIED' appeared once more on his screen, billionaire Elon Musk reportedly weighed a return to politics Monday after his 60th death on the tutorial level of Elden Ring Nightreign. Seems like these enemies are glitched to be unkillable-maybe I should stop back by the [...]The post Musk Weighs Return To Politics After 60th Death On Elden Ring Nightreign' Tutorial appeared first on The Onion.

RENO, NV-Switching out the torque wrench for something with a little more oomph," local sources fiddling under the car hood reportedly requested Monday that it be given some juice. Come on now, rev 'er up good," cylinder-block-examining sources said while wiping sweat from their brow with the back of a grease-smudged hand. Keep goosing the [...]The post Give It Some Juice, Report Sources Fiddling Under Car Hood appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Causing the White House deputy chief of staff to experience intense psychological distress, a novelty car horn playing La Cucaracha" reportedly sent Stephen Miller into a dissociative fugue state Friday. I saw him walking down the street when the horn sounded, and he froze in place for a full minute and then began shaking all [...]The post Novelty Car Horn Playing La Cucaracha' Sends Stephen Miller Into Dissociative Fugue State appeared first on The Onion.

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AUSTIN, TX-In an effort to give the impression that they had been burning the midnight oil while CEO Elon Musk was away in Washington, D.C., employees at Tesla reportedly scrambled Thursday to make the office look like they'd been sleeping there. Elon's going to be back any minute, so make sure to throw some dirty [...]The post Tesla Employees Scramble To Make Office Look Like They've Been Sleeping There appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-As part of a flurry of legal actions in recent days that granted clemency to more than 25 people, PresidentDonald Trump reportedly pardoned disgraced Bravo TV star Tom Sandoval this week. Thanks to President Trump, Tom Sandoval will finally be indemnified against all the toxic Vanderpump Rules drama," said publicist Brittany Trumble, adding that the [...]The post Trump Pardons Tom Sandoval appeared first on The Onion.

NEW YORK-With unexplained natural phenomena having predicted seven of the last eight market collapses, experts confirmed the likelihood of a recession had increased Thursday amid reports that herds of panicked economists had started running off cliffs. We still don't know what causes them to do it, but economists can naturally sense a recession in the [...]The post Recession Forecasts Jump After Herds Of Panicked Economists Start Running Off Cliffs appeared first on The Onion.

CHICAGO-After forgetting to bring sufficient entertainment for the two-hour flight from Atlanta to O'Hare Airport, area man Kenneth Vargas reportedly spent his entire time aboard a plane Thursday reading War And Peace over the shoulder of the passenger seated in the row ahead of him. I felt like an idiot for not downloading any books [...]The post Whole Flight Spent Reading War And Peace' Over Shoulder Of Passenger Ahead appeared first on The Onion.

CUPERTINO, CA-Amidst the strain of tariffs, Apple CEO Tim Cook announced Thursday the launch of a new 7,083-piece iPhone kit. Apple customers will have a blast soldering, polishing, and drilling as they build their very own iPhone," Cook said in a Keynote presentation at Apple headquarters, touting the new product as an innovative, first-of-its-kind achievement [...]The post Tariff-Strained Apple Announces 7,083-Piece iPhone Kit appeared first on The Onion.

MEMPHIS, TN-In a last-ditch effort to keep the lights on, the Memphis Science Center confirmed it had opened a new interactive exhibit this week that lets kids figure out how to manage the budget shortfall that, if it is not dealt with, will soon shutter the museum. Through our Fun With Funding Cuts' display, children [...]The post Interactive Exhibit Lets Kids Figure Out How To Manage Budget Shortfall That Will Otherwise Shutter Museum appeared first on The Onion.

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LOS ALAMOS, NM-The four words presaging even grimmer dialogue to come, the phrase you on the apps?" reportedly heralded the beginning of the world's bleakest conversation, sources reported Tuesday. Several reports indicated that the already dire back-and-forth was further cemented as among the most depressing ever once the speaker followed up with a question about [...]The post You On The Apps?' Heralds Beginning Of World's Bleakest Conversation appeared first on The Onion.

NASHUA, NH-Providing enrichment activities for students with abilities that set them apart from their peers, the gifted program at Middlebrook Elementary only admits kids who can emotionally handle time away from their iPads, school officials confirmed Tuesday. Our gifted and talented program is an elite option that is definitely not for everyone," said principal Terri [...]The post Grade School's Gifted Program Admits Kids Who Can Emotionally Handle Time Away From iPad appeared first on The Onion.

KOHLER, WI-Rushing out a statement to reaffirm the executive's love and respect for the company's signature plumbing product, Kohler was reportedly doing damage control Tuesday after CEO K. David Kohler admitted to the press that he never uses toilets. David wouldn't be in this business if he didn't believe in toilets," said Kohler assistant director [...]The post Kohler Doing Damage Control After CEO Admits He Never Uses Toilets appeared first on The Onion.

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PORTLAND, OR-Preaching the virtues of breaking free from an oppressive system of mass brainwashing, local man Dan Pearson, the chosen one who will lead humanity out of its current dark age of commercialism, revealed Monday that advertising doesn't work on him. I actually do research online instead of just buying something because of some dumb [...]The post Advertising Doesn't Work On Me,' Says Chosen One Who Will Lead Humanity Out Of Dark Age Of Commercialism appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Predicting that the system would save countless Americans from missing an all-time classic, the Federal Emergency Management Agency announced the creation of a new alert Friday that would notify the public whenever the 1996 filmTwisterwas airing on TNT. IfTwisteris playing in your area, you will receive a notification on your phone that reads Emergency Warning: [...]The post New FEMA Alert Notifies Public Whenever Twister' Airing On TNT appeared first on The Onion.

VAN NUYS, CA-Using a grand gesture to reveal his feelings to the object of his affection, local teenager Eddy French reportedly stood outside his crush's window Friday holding up Peter Gabriel. As soon as I pulled back my curtain and saw Eddy in the rain with the original frontman ofGenesisheld high above his head, my [...]The post Romantic Teen Stands Outside Crush's Window Holding Up Peter Gabriel appeared first on The Onion.

CHICAGO-Attempting to keep her browser tab concealed from view for fear her guilty pleasure would be exposed to nearby coworkers, ashamed woman Lily Paolini was reportedly hiding her interest in country music Friday as though it were hentai. What am I listening to? Oh, just the music of Post Malone. He's a pop artist," the [...]The post Ashamed Woman Hiding Interest In Country Music Like It Hentai appeared first on The Onion.

Knowing it was his time, Kevin Hagstetter instinctively crawled under the porch to die alone at age 73.The post Kevin Hagstetter appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Describing the plan it went ahead with as absolutely toothless" by comparison, the Department of Homeland Security issued a statement Thursday saying the deportation of migrants to South Sudan seemed a lot more humane once you knew what White House adviser Stephen Miller had wanted to do. Critics can argue that deporting migrants from Vietnam, [...]The post DHS: South Sudan Deportations A Lot More Humane When You Learn What Stephen Miller Wanted To Do appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Saying the plight of white South African farmers affected him on a deeply personal level, President Donald Trump issued a statement Thursday in which he shared his own experiences as a victim of white genocide. I've kept quiet about my past out of a fear that I could still be persecuted, but I too know [...]The post Trump Shares Own Experiences As Victim Of White Genocide appeared first on The Onion.

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WASHINGTON-Saying how much he had enjoyed watching their outstanding work on the court, President Donald Trumpinvited theWNBA fans who yelled slurs at Angel Reese to the White House on Thursday. Today, we celebrate these hard working Indiana Fever fans who sat within earshot of Angel Reese and yelled racial insults as loudly as they could," [...]The post Trump Invites WNBA Fans Who Yelled Slurs At Angel Reese To White House appeared first on The Onion.

AUSTIN, TX-Proclaiming that he had done enough," billionaire Elon Musk confirmed Thursday that he would be taking a step back from fatherhood. I've accomplished all I really intended to accomplish as a father-spreading my seed, preserving my bloodline-and now I can spend more time focusing on other things," said Musk, who told reporters that after [...]The post Elon Musk Announces Plans To Step Back From Fatherhood appeared first on The Onion.