 |
on (#6FZEA)
CONCORD, NH-Noting that at 73-years-old, she was more than capable of knowing a legitimate online store when she saw one, local mother Linda Jeffries defended her choice Monday to put her credit card number into a website with the URL virus.crime. Well, let me guess, everyone is going to say I did something wrong,...Read more...
|
The Onion
| Link | https://theonion.com/ |
| Feed | https://www.theonion.com/rss |
| Updated | 2024-11-23 00:31 |
 |
on (#6FZEB)
PHOENIX-Midway through an anecdote during a break in the action in the World Series, MLB announcer Joe Davis revealed Monday that he was unsure why he was currently stating the pitcher's birth weight. Of course, you need to consider that [Arizona Diamondbacks pitcher Brandon] Pfaadt was eight pounds and two ounces...Read more...
|
 |
on (#6FZEC)
CONCORD, NC-Explaining that the proposal completely upended his previous understanding of their friendship, a lopsided fantasy football trade offer that local man Henry Dukes reportedly received Monday morning forced him to reconsider how his friend Jordan Kaczmarek must perceive him. Wow, he must think I'm a total...Read more...
|
on (#6FZC5)
Rep. Jamaal Bowman (D-NY) pleaded guilty after being charged with falsely pulling the fire alarm at a congressional office building, a misdemeanor, before the House voted on a stopgap spending bill to fund the government last month. What do you think?Read more...
 |
on (#6FXDF)
SAN ANTONIO-In a thoughtful reflection on the start of his rookie season, San Antonio Spurs power forward Victor Wembanyama admitted to reporters Friday that he was a little overwhelmed by the speed and intensity of NBA groupies. They're so much more physical and quick than I could have ever imagined," said...Read more...
|
 |
on (#6FXDG)
NAPLES, FL-Warning that the dangerous contaminant could have easily killed someone if the proper precautions had not been taken, students at a Florida high school were reportedly locked in a decontamination chamber Friday after exposure to a book. On Friday morning at approximately 8:02 a.m., one of our teachers...Read more...
|
 |
on (#6FXBP)
Featuring double-locked doors, high-speed Internet, and no mirrors to reflect that sad, pathetic face back at you.Read more...
|
 |
on (#6FWXQ)
WASHINGTON-Saying civilian casualties were the price of waging a war" and that so far the price had not been high enough, President Biden spoke to reporters Thursday about the conflict in Gaza and expressed doubts that enough Palestinians had died. I have no confidence that the death toll provided by the Hamas-run...Read more...
|
 |
on (#6FWXR)
PASADENA, CA-Neurotically drafting and revising the perfect opening line in her head, local single woman Vivian Court reportedly worked up the courage Thursday to strike up a conversation with a cute guy she spotted at the other end of the horse costume. Oh my God, okay, he's right there in the back part, so it's the...Read more...
|
 |
on (#6FWPJ)
CROPSEYVILLE, NY-Frantically searching the internet for ideas, local man Jared Walker told reporters Thursday he always waits until the last minute to decide what he'll end up sitting alone in his house dressed up as for Halloween. Every year I tell myself I'm going to get an earlier start putting together the...Read more...
|
 |
on (#6FWJX)
LEWISTON, ME-In the hours following a violent rampage in Maine in which a lone attacker killed at least 16 individuals and injured numerous others, citizens living in the only country where this kind of mass killing routinely occurs reportedly concluded Wednesday that there was no way to prevent the massacre from ...Read more...
|
 |
 |
on (#6FWFY)
BOSTON-Verbally confronting the seasonal gourd before becoming physical, local boyfriend Trevor Landis reportedly punched a jack-o'-lantern Thursday for smiling at his girlfriend. What the hell do you think you're doing-can't you see she's with me?" said Landis, getting right in the carved-on face of the pumpkin...Read more...
|
 |
on (#6FWFZ)
EVANSTON, IL-Tossing and turning to no avail, local man Sam King was seen squirming around Thursday as his wife placed him in a Halloween costume against his will. Be a big boy and put it on," wife Bridget King said as she tried to wrestle her husband into an adorable pumpkin costume ahead of a Halloween party, her...Read more...
|
 |
on (#6FWDJ)
Claiming that the outrage mob was out in full force for All Saints' Eve, conservatives revealed which Halloween costumes offended their woke neighbors.
|
 |
on (#6FVY0)
MAR-A-LAGO, FL-Repeatedly emphasizing how far the country had fallen since he had been removed from office, former President Donald Trump claimed Wednesday that during his presidency, America only had white citizens. When I was in the White House, every single American had blonde hair, blue eyes, and porcelain skin,"...Read more...
|
 |
on (#6FVTY)
EVERYWHERE-In response to multiple reports of people being fired for criticizing Israel's airstrikes on Gaza, an encouraging new report confirmed that you can share this image of smiling Israeli prime minister Benjamin Netanyahu to get your job back. Sources across the nation found that if you simply post this article...Read more...
|
 |
 |
on (#6FVGQ)
WASHINGTON-In the latest study on how the existential threat of global warming is affecting mental health, the Environmental Protection Agency revealed Wednesday that climate anxiety had increased now that rising sea levels were expected to force more people to wear swimsuits. As glacial ice melts and coastlines move...Read more...
|
on (#6FVEG)
Michigan State University apologized for displaying an image of Adolf Hitler on its stadium video boards as part of a pregame trivia quiz before Saturday's football game. What do you think?Read more...
 |
on (#6FVDY)
WASHINGTON-After the nation's vast stretches of countryside were replaced almost overnight by sprawling, futuristic cityscapes, government officials confirmed Wednesday that programs aimed at bringing high-speed internet to underserved areas had turned rural America into a cybernetic metropolis. As soon as they had...Read more...
|
 |
on (#6FTSS)
Sidney Powell plead guilty in Georgia for attempting to overturn the 2020 election on behalf of Donald Trump. Here is everything The Onion knows about the former Trump attorney's guilty plea so far.Read more...
|
 |
on (#6FTQ4)
MINNEAPOLIS-Following a long and particularly stressful surgery, a team of exhausted doctors at Fairview Memorial Hospital pronounced patient Ross Neal, 79, dead enough, sources confirmed Tuesday. Time of pretty much death, 2:45 a.m." said Dr. Ted Domke, noting the patient's diminished brain activity and the fact...Read more...
|
 |
on (#6FTHQ)
BOSTON-Taking time during his group meeting Tuesday to reflect upon how his life got to where it is now, local alcoholic Steven DeWitt reportedly recalled the day he sat down and decided to have a debilitating addiction. I'll never forget: I was 15 years old, some friends from school were drinking vodka at a party,...Read more...
|
 |
on (#6FTHR)
CARMEL, IN-Addressing a group of reporters dressed mostly in long-sleeved shirts, suit jackets, and full-length pants, the nation's big guys in shorts held a press conference Tuesday to announce that while the autumn weather may seem brisk to others, they tend to run hot. We run pretty hot, so this doesn't feel cold...Read more...
|
 |
on (#6FTHS)
ARLINGTON, VA-Feeling overwhelmed by the sheer number of options, local defense contractor Erick Yardley told reporters Tuesday he was unsure if he wanted to cook or just have dinner delivered by a politician on their hands and knees. It's been a long day, and I told myself I'd make something tonight, but it's so...Read more...
|
 |
on (#6FT1X)
Meta has apologized after inserting the word terrorist" into the profile bios of some Palestinian Instagram users, in what the company says was a bug in auto-translation. What do you think?Read more...
|
 |
on (#6FSY4)
STERLING HEIGHTS, MI-Demonstrating a level of selflessness and compassion for his fellow human that was worthy of sainthood, a modern-day Mother Teresa reportedly waited for an NFL player on a stretcher to give a thumbs-up Sunday before considering the fantasy football implications. When a wide receiver suffered a...Read more...
|
 |
 |
on (#6FQPM)
NEW YORK-Slurring his words as he made an impassioned argument about why he was the right man for the job, local drunk man Greg Adams reportedly approached a bucket drummer Friday and begged for the opportunity to act as his manager. Listen, man, you got it-you got all those goods," said a visibly wobbly Adams,...Read more...
|
 |
on (#6FQMX)
After a year filled with high-profile drama surrounding her marriage, Jada Pinkett Smith's first memoirwas published on Oct. 17. Here are the biggest reveals from the movie star's new book, Worthy.Read more...
|
 |
on (#6FQ6K)
The water level at a major river port in Brazil's Amazon rainforest has hit its lowest point in at least 121 years, as a historic drought upends the lives of hundreds of thousands of people and damages the jungle ecosystem. What do you think?Read more...
|
 |
on (#6FQ3K)
LOS ANGELES-Criticizing the apparent insincerity of his statements on comic book franchise films, Marvel fans blasted Martin Scorsese as a hypocrite Thursday for including a Deadpool cameo in his latest feature, Killers Of The Flower Moon. After all that talk of Marvel movies being the death of cinema,' Scorsese...Read more...
|
 |
 |
on (#6FPSD)
WICHITA, KS-Addressing the need to incorporate more humane practices at its facilities, Cargill Meat Solutions announced Thursday that it had hired assassins to quietly slaughter cows in their sleep. In order to reduce the suffering of livestock, trained hit men will creep into the pens of cattle late at night and...Read more...
|
 |
on (#6FPSE)
America is a nation whose strength has long derived from its diversity. Even in the bedroom, U.S. citizens vary not just in their tastes, but also in what diseases they've contracted on what orifices while sleeping with each other. That, more than anything else, is what defines this country's greatness. Here, The...Read more...
|
|
on (#6FPPK)
Pepper X' is now officially the world's hottest chili pepper, rating at an average of 2,693,000 Scoville Heat Units. What do you think?Read more...
|
 |
on (#6FPPM)
MENLO PARK, CA-In an effort to improve user experience, Meta announced Thursday that the next update of Instagram would include helpful labels indicating the point at which a girlfriend stops appearing in the posts of a given account holder. Starting today, some Instagram users will notice a beta rollout of this new...Read more...
|
|
on (#6FP9B)
Britney Spears recounts in a forthcoming memoir that she had an abortion to end a pregnancy by fellow pop star Justin Timberlake while the two were dating in the late 1990s and early 2000s. What do you think?Read more...
|
 |
 |
on (#6FNQ8)
BAY VILLAGE, OH-In an apparent effort to turn the incident into an instructional moment for their curious 1-year-old son, local parents Josh and Lisa Cohen repeated the word gentle" Wednesday when the toddler ripped a dog's ear clean off. There we go, Mason, very good job petting the doggy," said Lisa, who then...Read more...
|
|
on (#6FNPX)
Several Girl Scout troops announced that the price of cookies will be going up next season in order to combat rising production and material costs. What do you think?Read more...
|
on (#6FN9D)
U.S. pharmacy chain Rite Aid Corp. filed for bankruptcy in an effort to close unprofitable stores, address lawsuits over its role in the opioid pandemic, and rework a debt load of roughly $4 billion. What do you think?Read more...
 |
 |
on (#6FN09)
PORTLAND, OR-Midway through a session in which she allegedly channeled the spirit of a departed loved one, local psychic Esme The Prophetess" Sherwood informed her client Tuesday that her dead mother was saying some pretty boilerplate ghost shit. What I'm hearing is basically that she's proud of you, she loves...Read more...
|
 |
on (#6FN0A)
DENVER-Asked for his thoughts a week before his team's 2023-24 opener, Denver Nuggets center Nikola Jokic told reporters Tuesday he was looking forward to the season ending. I'll be honest, I'm ready to get out there and walk away from the arena after the last game of the season," said Jokic, adding that he believed...Read more...
|
 |
on (#6FMQ0)
Former President Donald Trump allegedly shared highly classified information about U.S. nuclear submarines with an Australian billionaire who was a member of Mar-a-Lago. The Onion asked other members what government secrets the 45th president shared with them, and this is what they said.Read more...
|
 |
on (#6FMQ1)
MINNEAPOLIS-Describing the physician's remarks as patronizing" and unprofessional," local man David Kohr confirmed Tuesday that he did not go to the doctor for a lecture about what should and should not go in his ass. Jeez, can't you just yank it out and be on your way?" said Kohr, who reportedly struggled not to...Read more...
|
 |
on (#6FM31)
WASHINGTON-With the passage of a landmark bill that received widespread bipartisan support in Congress and was immediately signed into law by President Biden, a new federal statute requires anyone who publicly announces their need to take a piss to register as a sex offender. Those who loudly declare to people around...Read more...
|
 |