The Onion

The couple met at a bar in Austin, where Emily was the fourth woman Rafael approached that night.The post Emily Appleton and Rafael Garcia appeared first on The Onion.

CHICAGO-Realizing there comes a time when everyone crashes into a window, local man Danny Nagler told reporters Wednesday that a dead bird on the sidewalk had led him to contemplate his own inevitable collision with plate glass. Seeing this bird's lifeless body lying here on the pavement, I can't help but be reminded that someday [...]The post Dead Bird On Sidewalk Leads Man To Contemplate Own Inevitable Collision With Plate Glass appeared first on The Onion.

SALT LAKE CITY-Saying he had learned his lesson following his suspensions by the NBA for two incidents in which he brandished firearms, a reformed Ja Morant told reporters Wednesday that he was way more into swords now. I did some soul-searching during my time away from the game, and I realized guns should have no [...]The post Reformed Ja Morant More Into Swords Now appeared first on The Onion.

JUPITER, FL-In a tragic incident that has left MAGA world reeling, 55-year-old television personality Kimberly Guilfoyle reportedly died Wednesday after attempting to remove her makeup. Unfortunately, it appears the makeup was really the only thing holding her face structurally together at this point," said a medical responder who spoke with reporters on the condition of [...]The post Kimberly Guilfoyle Dies Trying To Remove Makeup appeared first on The Onion.

Cuba was plunged into a widespread, days-long power outage after its electrical grid repeatedly collapsed, sowing chaos as around 10 million people were left in the dark and underscoring the precarious state of the country's infrastructure. What do you think?The post Cuba Suffers Extended Blackout appeared first on The Onion.

This restored 1860s Victorian is haunted by a fanatically nudist ghost. Previous owners got sick of waking up in the middle of the night stark naked with their pajamas in a shredded pile at their feet. Don't bother trying to get away with a towel wrapped around your waist. Ghost will destroy that too. Perfect [...]The post Haunted By Nudist Ghost appeared first on The Onion.

SANTA FE, NM-Offering fans a tantalizing glimpse into what he's been working on for nearly 15 years, bestselling author George R.R. Martin announced this week that he had written every and" that would appear in his long-awaited novel The Winds Of Winter. I know there has been much speculation about whether I'm truly committed to [...]The post George R.R. Martin Announces He's Written Every And' That Will Appear In Next Book appeared first on The Onion.

KANSAS CITY, MO-Quieting doubts from supporters that he wasn't focused enough on getting a win on the board for the Aryan people, NFL place-kicker Harrison Butker insisted Tuesday that he wouldn't let politics distract him from the upcoming race war. I feel obligated to push back when someone audaciously suggests women shouldn't be relegated to [...]The post Harrison Butker Insists He Won't Let Politics Distract From Upcoming Race War appeared first on The Onion.

NEW YORK-Featuring nearly identical video footage in two separate $25 million ad buys, the Donald Trump and Kamala Harris campaigns both debuted new commercials Tuesday that attempt to win support for their respective candidates with a supercut of Trump's most racist comments. The two ads-which reports confirmed would air continuously until Nov. 5-showcase clips of [...]The post Both Campaigns Release Ads Showcasing Trump's Most Racist Comments appeared first on The Onion.

In an appeal to the powerful voting bloc, Trump told a group of influential Amish megadonors that, if elected, he would make turning on the lights or plugging in an appliance a criminal offense.The post Trump Vows To Outlaw Electricity To Secure Powerful Amish Vote appeared first on The Onion.

STANFORD, CA-Concluding that the window in which to give themselves a little pat on the back was rapidly closing, a report released Monday by Stanford University found that Americans needed to cut carbon emissions by 3% in order to tell themselves they did their best. It's clear that as the planet continues to grow hotter, [...]The post Report Finds Americans Need To Cut Emissions By 3% In Order To Tell Themselves They Did Their Best appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-In an attempt to sow further doubt about the vice president's employment history, Donald Trump accused Kamala Harris Monday of lying about having a job at the White House. Phony Kamala says she worked in a junior position at the White House for years, but they say they've got no record of her being there," [...]The post Trump Accuses Kamala Harris Of Lying About Having Job At White House appeared first on The Onion.

A new fire station in central Germany, which was destroyed in a fire, did not have a fire alarm system, with local officials claiming no alarm was installed because experts had considered it unnecessary. What do you think?The post Fire Station That Burned Down Didn't Have Fire Alarm appeared first on The Onion.

Almost every day, the establishment seems to get it wrong trying to use Donald Trump's words to paint him as a dire threat to our democracy. What so many fail to see-and what his supporters have long understood-is that Trump is a showman. When he speaks at rallies, he's not telling us about his literal policy positions. More often than not, he's just trying to entertain.The post We Need To Take Trump's Rhetoric Seriously, But Not Literally vs. Have That Guy Killed appeared first on The Onion.

Nearly one third of the cameras in the Border Patrol's primary surveillance system along the southern U.S. border are not working, with an internal memo blaming outdated equipment and repair issues. What do you think?The post 30% Of Border Patrol Cameras Broken appeared first on The Onion.

The U.S. Treasury Department said its expanded use of machine learning systems helped detect and prevent billions of dollars in fraudulent payments in 2024, claiming the approach contributed to the recovery of more than $4 billion. What do you think?The post U.S. Treasury Uses AI To Prevent Billions In Fraud appeared first on The Onion.

NEW YORK-Addressing blowback he received for his contentious interview with the Democratic nominee this week, Fox News anchor Bret Baier admitted Friday that he made a mistake letting presidential candidate Kamala Harris speak. I want to say that it was absolutely a misstep to let Harris get a word in edgewise during our interview," said [...]The post Bret Baier Admits He Made Mistake Letting Kamala Harris Speak appeared first on The Onion.

PITTSBURGH-Patting herself on the back for staying ahead of schedule, local woman Ruby Butcher reported feeling accomplished Friday after finishing her holiday weight gain early. Usually I put it off until the last minute, but this year I've already put on all my extra weight for the holidays," said Butcher, who added that looking for [...]The post Woman Feels Accomplished After Finishing Holiday Weight Gain Early appeared first on The Onion.

PALM BEACH, FL-Claiming he had the most beautiful and perfect" cranial structure that his physician had ever seen, former President Donald Trump reportedly took to Truth Social this week to release the skull measurementsfrom his latest phrenology exam. According to my doctor and everyone at the Boston Phrenological Society, my incredible scalp morphology and brain [...]The post Trump Releases Skull Measurements From Phrenology Exam appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Offering the vice president a chance to gain the trust of voters skeptical about whether her policies would actually differ from those of the current administration, Fox News host Bret Baier reportedly challenged Kamala Harris Wednesday to prove she was moving forward by handing her a baseball bat and wheeling out a caged President Biden. [...]The post Bret Baier Asks Harris To Prove She Moving Forward By Handing Her Baseball Bat, Wheeling Out Caged Biden appeared first on The Onion.

VATICAN CITY-In an effort to give himself a breather after more than a decade ministering to his flock, Pope Francis announced Friday that he had excommunicated all of the world's Catholics so he could have a quiet weekend alone. It's just been so long since I could take a few days to myself without worrying [...]The post Pope Francis Excommunicates All Of World's Catholics So He Can Have Quiet Weekend Alone appeared first on The Onion.

Italy criminalized citizens going abroad to have children through surrogacy, a measure slammed by opponents as medieval" and discriminatory to same-sex couples. What do you think?The post Italy Bans Overseas Surrogacy appeared first on The Onion.

DORADO, PUERTO RICO-In response to concerns about the health effects of his popular line of drinks, YouTuber and entrepreneur Logan Paul claimed Thursday that Prime is perfectly healthy for the average 9-foot-tall, 400-pound child. If Prime is consumed as recommended, there's no reason that an ordinary 450-pound 8-year-old who's nearly 10 feet tall should experience [...]The post Logan Paul Claims Prime Perfectly Healthy For Average 9-Foot-Tall, 400-Pound Child appeared first on The Onion.

PALM BEACH, FL-Outlining his ambitious plans for a potential second presidential term, Republican candidate Donald Trump reportedly made a pledge Thursday to use an obscure 18th-century law to marry his daughter. We're moving full steam ahead with Operation Ivanka,'" said Trump, who credited his policy advisors with working around-the-clock for months to discover the loophole [...]The post Trump Pledges To Use Obscure 18th-Century Law To Marry Daughter appeared first on The Onion.

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Ava Barden, 14, imagined dying Thursday evening. In her head, she was survived by her crush Ethan Loughran, whom she imagined weeping as he laid a single white rose on her gravestone. Ava's family members request that she come down from her room and set the table for dinner.The post Ava Barden appeared first on The Onion.

BOSTON-Describing the behavior as an avoidance strategy used to ignore difficult subjects, local woman Sophia McKabe told reporters Thursday that her emotionally distant husband Doug seemed to prefer watching Stargate SG-1 to having an honest conversation about Stargate SG-1. It's like every time I try to ask Doug how he really feels about Colonel O'Neill [...]The post Emotionally Distant Husband Would Rather Watch Stargate SG-1' Than Have Honest Conversation About Stargate SG-1' appeared first on The Onion.

PROVIDENCE, RI-Feeling too overwhelmed by the myriad options to make a decision, area hostage-taker Jason Harmon reportedly asked negotiators Thursday what people usually demand. I thought a demand would just come to me after I pulled out my gun and ordered everybody to get on the fucking ground, but truth be told, I'm still feeling [...]The post Indecisive Hostage-Taker Asks What People Usually Demand appeared first on The Onion.

NEW YORK-The site of just two home losses in the past millennium due to the incredibly hostile atmosphere of the malevolent venue, Hades' Inferno Stadium was once again ranked first on ESPN's list of toughest arenas to play in this week. Situated in the newly redeveloped sports and entertainment district on the banks of the [...]The post Hades' Inferno Stadium Once Again Ranked Toughest Arena To Play In appeared first on The Onion.

Rumor has it the wedding cost $60,000. $60,000! Can you believe that? That's two Honda Accords.The post Julia Cunningham and Tommy Zubritzky appeared first on The Onion.

NEW YORK-With the struggling newspaper admitting this was the final nail in its coffin, The New York Times announced this week that it would permanently cease publication, saying there was no way it could compete with The Onion's newly relaunched print edition. In an internal memo sent to the paper's 5,800 employees, publisher A.G. Sulzberger [...]The post New York Times' To Cease Publication appeared first on The Onion.

NEW YORK-Issuing a rule change they claimed was necessary to bring the game into the 21st century, Major League Baseball officials announced Wednesday they would add a clock to speed up Joe Davis' commentary. Adding a 30-second clock to cut down on Joe's long, rambling commentary is, frankly, a long overdue improvement that will help [...]The post MLB Adds Clock To Speed Up Joe Davis' Commentary appeared first on The Onion.

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NEW YORK-Following months of soul searching and a protracted home sale negotiation, the New York Yankees reportedly moved to Southport, CT this week to settle down and raise their kids.We really love this city and have had some of the best nights of our lives here, but we decided it was time to prioritize what's [...]The post Yankees Move To Connecticut To Raise Kids appeared first on The Onion.

An incident report found that a pilot who died after crashing a helicopter into a hotel in Australia had significant blood alcohol content" during the unauthorized flight, causing hundreds of guests and staff to be evacuated from the DoubleTree when the aircraft hit the top floor and burst into flames. What do you think?The post Helicopter Pilot Who Crashed Into Hotel Revealed To Be Drunk appeared first on The Onion.

CHICAGO-Observing the 300-pound captive ape from the other side of his enclosure, Lincoln Park Zoo guests expressed empathy this week for western lowland gorilla Nzinga, who looked bored out of his mind reading Wuthering Heights. Concerned visitors reported seeing the 26-year-old silverback resting his head on his hairy fist as he stared down at the [...]The post Zoo Gorilla Looks Bored Out Of Mind Reading Wuthering Heights' appeared first on The Onion.

Gen Z voters ages 18 to 27 could tip the scale in a tight race for the White House. The Onion shares the issues that are most important to the nation's youngest eligible voters heading into the 2024 election. Economy: Like generations before them, Gen Z seems to prefer a good economy to a lousy [...]The post What Issues Are Most Important To Gen Z Voters? appeared first on The Onion.

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Pop star Taylor Swift donated $5 million to Feeding America to support relief efforts in the aftermath of Hurricanes Helene and Milton, the contribution helping to provide essential food, clean water, and supplies to people affected by these devastating storms. What do you think?The post Taylor Swift Donates $5 Million To Hurricane Relief Efforts appeared first on The Onion.

The 2024 presidential election is on track to be the most expensive race in U.S. history. The Onion takes a look at the key facts and figures behind the spending. 3: People wealthy enough to just straight-up decide election $2.5 million: Cost of poll showing rural voters leaning red 14: Homeless people that could be [...]The post 2024 Election Spending By The Numbers appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Despite polls that show the American public overwhelmingly supports keeping the ancient burial chamber sealed, the Supreme Court ruled 6-3 Friday to pry open the evil tomb of Batibat, a vengeful spirit who haunts the dream space of her victims and suffocates them in their sleep. The ruling, which overturns a 1972 decision by the [...]The post Supreme Court Rules 6-3 To Open Evil Tomb Of Batibat appeared first on The Onion.

SPARTANBURG, SC-Opting not to choose sides, sources told reporters today that neither member of separating couple Max Kiely and Jennifer Rush kept their friends after the breakup. After hearing both perspectives on how this breakup went down, it has become clear to all of us that we have to side with neither of them," said [...]The post Neither Ex Keeps Friends After Breakup appeared first on The Onion.

CHICAGO-Gawking at the novel sight with her mouth agape, 32-year-old tourist Helena Jensen told reporters this week that she was impressed by the immense size of Chicago's residents. Back home, we don't have anything this massive, you know?" said Jensen, who had to back up several yards just to fit the entirety of the Chicago [...]The post Tourist Impressed By Size Of Chicago Residents appeared first on The Onion.

A study published by University of Illinois-Chicago researchers found that advances in medical technology and genetic research are not translating into marked jumps in lifespan overall. What do you think?The post Human Lifespan Hits Upper Limit appeared first on The Onion.