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on (#6GXBZ)
LOUISVILLE, KY-Facing a financial dilemma after breaking his leg, a local horse who didn't have health insurance was reportedly unable to afford being shot in the head, sources confirmed Tuesday. Unfortunately, I don't have the money for basic treatment for my injuries," said Scout, explaining that he used to be on a...Read more...
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The Onion
| Link | https://theonion.com/ |
| Feed | https://www.theonion.com/rss |
| Updated | 2024-11-23 00:31 |
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on (#6GWS2)
DUBAI-Appearing excited and starstruck to meet a great icon of the environmental movement, attendees at this year's COP28 climate conference took turns Monday posing with the duck from the Dawn commercial. Oh my God, seeing you covered in oil was what inspired me to get into environmental activism in the first...Read more...
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on (#6GWHQ)
Although football was previously considered a manly, patriotic sport, the modern NFL has done nothing but capitulate to the far-left mob. The Onion asked conservatives to explain why the sport is too woke, and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#6GW9B)
ST. LOUIS-Vowing to provide what could technically be considered an alternative, third-party candidate Patrick Laine promised Monday to fill whatever void was still left between centrist Democrats and centrist Republicans. Americans deserve choice, which is why I'm running on a platform of whatever extremely narrow...Read more...
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on (#6GW90)
PRINCETON, NJ-Shedding new light on the shadowy figures lurking around every corner, a study from researchers at Princeton University revealed Monday that the average American has at least three people plotting to kill them at all times. Our research shows that nearly every man, woman, and child in the country is...Read more...
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on (#6GW91)
PHILADELPHIA-Demonstrating that sexism is possible across the animal kingdom, scientists at Drexel University announced Monday that they had successfully taught mice to hate women. After years of steady progress, we have finally been able to prove that mice are capable of being raging misogynists," said lead...Read more...
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on (#6GW92)
Unlimited Endless Shrimp at Red Lobster, which the seafood chain hoped would entice customers during the winter months, proved to be too steep a deal after the company reportedly lost $11 million due to the promotion. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6GTPW)
WASHINGTON-Emphasizing this was not the type of job they could simply complete in a day or two, custodians warned leaders in the House of Representatives Friday that it could take months to remove all the cashmere sweaters from former congressman George Santos' office. While we had hoped to have his area cleaned out...Read more...
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on (#6GSRP)
Henry Kissinger, former Secretary of State, national security advisor, and lover of carpet bombing innocent civilians, passed away at the age of 100. The Onion asked Americans how they felt about his death, and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#6GSPV)
Henry Kissinger, the most influential American diplomat of the Cold War era, died Wednesday at the age of 100, leaving behind a polarizing legacy as both a geopolitical mastermind and, according to some, a bit of a grinch.
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on (#6GSER)
PLAINS, GA-As he finished getting ready for his first night out since the passing of his wife Rosalynn earlier this month, former President Jimmy Carter reportedly sprayed a little cologne down the front of his pants Thursday before a big first date. I just might get lucky, so I better make sure she likes the smell...Read more...
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on (#6GS9M)
Live in the work cubicle that you already spend more than half your fucking life in! Surprise, surprise: Several office properties in the area, including yours, are for sale or rent. Take your work home with you by taking your home to work.Read more...
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on (#6GS9N)
NEW BRUNSWICK, NJ-Having surveyed a group that included more than 1,500 factory workers, dishwashers, and house painters, a team of researchers published a new study Thursday that found ashing a cigarette out of a cracked car window on a cold morning remained the best way to start a blue-collar workday. The preferred...Read more...
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on (#6GS9Q)
LOS ANGELES-Emphasizing how excited they were for the next chapter of their journey, all 22 contestants on the inaugural season of The Golden Bachelor simultaneously confirmed Thursday that they were pregnant. On behalf of the Golden Bachelor contestants, I want to announce that we are all pregnant and so honored to...Read more...
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on (#6GS8G)
MINNEAPOLIS-Following a withdrawal of the product in response to federal concerns about its faulty nature, 25,000 recalled Graco high chairs were reportedly returned to the manufacturer this week with an infant still in the seat. To be clear, we really just wanted the high chairs back for safety reasons-we aren't ...Read more...
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on (#6GS8H)
FLORENCE, WI-Saying the freedom from distractions like internet service and electromagnetic waves had done him a world of a good, local man Tad Deeran told reporters this week that he had really been knocking his manifesto out of the park since moving to a secluded cabin in the woods. Now that I don't have to...Read more...
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on (#6GS4Q)
Some states like California are beginning to teach cursive to elementary school students for the first time in a decade, a move that supporters say will allow future generations to read historical documents, strengthen childrens' fine motor skills, and also help teachers authenticate individual students' work. What do ...Read more...
on (#6GRKE)
Rep. George Santos (R-NY) faces a another motion to expel him from Congress this week following a House Ethics Committee report that found substantial evidence" that he broke federal laws, including deceiving his donors, filing false campaign finance statements, and using campaign funds for personal expenses...Read more...
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on (#6GRFX)
WASHINGTON-Speaking from the Oval Office, President Joe Biden addressed the nation Wednesday, stating, Does anyone else ever feel like they're floating through a dream they can never wake up from?" As your president and commander-in-chief, I have to be honest and admit that sometimes, I don't even feel like a...Read more...
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on (#6GR9C)
CAMBRIDGE, MA-Following comprehensive, long-term research into the dangers of excess abdominal girth, a Harvard University study published Wednesday found that belly fat was associated with an increased risk of being blown raspberries. We tracked more than 500 adults over the course of a decade and observed a...Read more...
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on (#6GR9D)
This is a developing story. Please check theonion.com for more.Read more...
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on (#6GQQF)
The Merriam-Webster dictionary named the word authentic" as its 2023 word of the year, with the word being among the year's most searched and many contrasting its definition with the rise of AI usage in everyday life. What do you think?Read more...
on (#6GQ7V)
A private legal battle between the members of pop duo Hall & Oates has led to Daryl Hall filing an undisclosed complaint against bandmate John Oates, resulting in a restraining order that will go into effect against Oates on Nov. 30. What do you think?Read more...
on (#6GPQZ)
According to a new survey from Deloitte, shoppers plan to spend an average of $567 between Black Friday and Cyber Monday this year, with 40% reporting that they're hitting the sales to try to get around rising prices. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6GMDQ)
PORTLAND, ME-Praising the child for the maturity he had shown in coping with such a difficult life event, sources confirmed Friday that 7-year-old Bryce Sanders seemed to be internalizing and suppressing his emotions about his parents' divorce surprisingly well. Obviously, I was worried Bryce might have a rough...Read more...
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on (#6GMD7)
LOS ANGELES-In a new paper published Friday in The Journal Of Razzle Dazzle, researchers at Tinseltown University have presented the results of an in-depth study that found either ya got it or ya don't. Listen here, doll-ya either got it, or ya don't got it, and that's all there is to it," said Jack Stanton, a...Read more...
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on (#6GKKY)
When it comes to dating apps, women are far more likely to find a narcissist, a deadbeat, or an abuser than Mr. Right. The Onion examines the biggest red flag's on men's Tinder profiles.Read more...
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on (#6GKKZ)
American workers typically work far more than in other countries, leading to increased calls for a four-day workweek, but this proposal has received a variety of criticism. The Onion breaks down the pros and cons of a four-day workweek.Read more...
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on (#6GKM0)
VINTON, IA-Noting that the 17-year-old had sprouted at least three inches in the past six months alone, family sources confirmed Thursday that huge cousin Caleb Perez was the top-ranked recruit for their annual Thanksgiving pickup football game. I know [Uncle] Steve is going to try to lure him over to his team, but I...Read more...
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on (#6GJQC)
WASHINGTON-Shedding light on an experience common among commuters nationwide, a U.S. Department of Transportation study released Wednesday found that most honking drivers were just excited to see shiny cars. Contrary to popular assumptions, our findings suggest that drivers mostly use their horns to express their...Read more...
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on (#6GJQD)
MINNEAPOLIS-Insisting that the caregiver make herself at home, parents Greg and Sarah Meyer reportedly told 17-year-old babysitter Charlotte Kent on Wednesday to help herself to anything she wanted in the medicine cabinet. So you have our numbers, you know that bedtime is 9 p.m., and after Natalie is down, definitely...Read more...
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on (#6GJPM)
KENT, OH-Urging consumers to immediately return every arch-support device it had ever sold, popular foot-care brand Dr. Scholl's recalled all its products this week after announcing the only way to fix flat feet was with eugenics. While we regret the error, it is our responsibility as a company to alert our customers...Read more...
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on (#6GJPN)
Shakira reached a deal Monday with the Spanish government, which accused the pop star of six counts of tax fraud between 2012 and 2014, totaling 14.5 million euros in unpaid income taxes. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6GJPP)
Amid their constant concern that the feminization of society is causing a decline in male fertility, The Onion asked men's rights activists to explain how they increase their sperm count, and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#6GJMZ)
SLINGER, WI-The nation demanded this week to know what was inside that big silo over there, pointing to the tube-shaped farm structure as they noted that it could be anything, really. Gotta have something in it, right? Like, farm stuff or something?" all 335 million Americans said as they walked toward the silo...Read more...
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on (#6GJN0)
BOSTON-Marveling at the passenger whom they assumed to be a higher-up at the World Health Organization or something, sources confirmed Wednesday that a woman still wearing a mask on the plane must have had inside information about the next pandemic. Wow, to be wearing a mask at this early stage in whatever pandemic...Read more...
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on (#6GJMM)
This is a developing story. Please check theonion.com for more.Read more...
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on (#6GHR6)
EVANSTON, IL-Describing the objects with great affection, local middle school teacher Sasha Morrison told reporters Tuesday that she had formed a strong bond with the things that do standardized tests. These little implements of filling in bubbles are some of the best I've ever had," said Morrison, who was glowing...Read more...
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on (#6GHR7)
WASHINGTON-Deciding it was finally time to call the race in favor of the Republican candidate, a reportedly exhausted President Joe Biden announced Tuesday that he was officially conceding the 2020 election to Donald Trump. My fellow Americans, we fought long and hard for the presidency, but that journey ends here,...Read more...
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on (#6GHR9)
The Crown, a Nexflix series often criticized for being too sympathetic towards the actions of the British royal family, faced renewed backlash for its portrayal of the death of Princess Diana, with the show going so far as to insert the ghosts of Diana and her boyfriend, Dodi Fayed, soothing and reconciling with their...Read more...