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The Onion
| Link | https://theonion.com/ |
| Feed | https://www.theonion.com/rss |
| Updated | 2025-07-09 22:00 |
on (#6NQY9)
Dozens of bottles of cherries discovered by archaeologists in the cellar of George Washington's mansion Mount Vernon were found to be perfectly preserved despite being more than 250 years old, and the Department of Agriculture is now investigating the ancient pits to see if they can be planted. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6NQYC)
MANAUS, BRAZIL-Plotting out his schedule for the rest of the day, local sloth Jim Garra confirmed Monday that he was thinking of maybe hanging from a tree for another 80 or so hours. I think I'll just cling to this branch continually over the next three or four days and then also after that," said the arboreal...Read more...
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on (#6NQYD)
PHILADELPHIA-Noting an explosion in the frequency of the name in the years following the reality program's debut, a new study published Monday found a correlation between the popularity of the Discovery Channel's Deadliest Catch and the nation's sharp uptick in children named Crab. Looking at naming trends over the...Read more...
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on (#6NNRQ)
Former President Donald Trump has yet to announce his running mate for the 2024 election and is reportedly still considering several different candidates. The Onion breaks down exactly what Trump is expecting from his next vice president.
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on (#6NPDP)
The Supreme Court recently struck down a rule banning bump stocks, which have been used in several high-profile mass shootings to inflict maximum damage. The Onion explores the pros and cons of using these devices that allow semiautomatic rifles to fire almost as fast as machine guns.
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on (#6NMK4)
Twenty-three sets of fraternal and identical twins graduated from Pollard Middle School in Needham, MA, where they made up 10% of the total class. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6NKWT)
COLUMBUS, OH-Saying he hadn't taken any of the recommended precautions despite a heat index expected to top 100 degrees Fahrenheit, sources confirmed local man Darren Cooper, seen sleeping on a sidewalk Tuesday, must not know about the heat advisory. The National Weather Service cautioned everyone to stay indoors due...Read more...
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on (#6NKPD)
Coach USA, which owns Megabus lines connecting New York and New Jersey, filed for bankruptcy following a decline in ridership, with the company owing creditors between $100 and $500 million. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6NKMJ)
HOUSTON-Exhausted from her 16-hour shift of failing to meet an already very low bar of behavioral norms, local woman Zoe Briers told reporters Tuesday she had made it through another day having strange interactions that made everyone uncomfortable. From the moment my neighbor said Good morning' and I just stared at...Read more...
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on (#6NKMK)
DURHAM, NC-Solidifying previously unspoken guidelines regarding one's financial obligations in advance of a wedding, bridal-industry experts are now recommending that Americans set aside at least three months' salary to spend on an engaged friend's bachelorette party. As a symbol of the serious commitment you are...Read more...
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on (#6NK8H)
President Joe Biden stated that he will not use his power as commander in chief to lessen the sentence of his son Hunter, who was convicted on felony gun charges and faces up to 25 years in prison. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6NK6E)
LOS ANGELES-Admitting that they recently hit a wall while marketing the upcoming film, frustrated studio executives from Focus Features told reporters Monday they were unsure how to convince the public that its upcoming Lego Pharrell Williams movie was actually happening. We'll be honest, we've tried every marketing...Read more...
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on (#6NK3Z)
RESTON, VA-A new global report released Monday by the U.S. Geological Survey revealed that every place on earth currently has the wrong amount of water. New satellite data confirms that every corner of the earth has the incorrect quantity of water," the report read in part, noting that even though the total amount...Read more...
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on (#6NJT3)
WASHINGTON-With more than 2 million displaced Palestinians facing the threat of famine, the U.S. Agency for International Development announced Monday it had fulfilled its pledge to provide food assistance, throwing a single PowerBar labeled for Gaza" into the Atlantic Ocean. USAID reportedly alerted the war-torn...Read more...
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on (#6NJT5)
WASHINGTON-Following pressure for transparency around what or who could be behind there, U.S. Curtain Master General George Weintraub warned Friday of the increasing number of creeps behind drapes. We recommend you protect yourself and your family by being on the lookout for vaguely human-shaped silhouettes or lumps...Read more...
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on (#6NHH5)
Sixteen-time champion competitive eater Joey Chestnut was banned from Nathan's Famous Hot Dog Eating Contest by the event's organizers after he signed an endorsement deal with Impossible Foods, a rival brand that makes plant-based hot dogs and other products. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6NHEW)
WASHINGTON-Denying that recent events in his personal life would in any way hamper his ability to judge impartially, Justice QAnon Shaman came under fire Friday for refusing to recuse himself from two Jan. 6-related cases. Despite claims to the contrary, my involvement in storming the Capitol in support of Supreme...Read more...
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on (#6NHC9)
In a show of force amid tensions regarding Ukraine, Russia sent four warships, including a nuclear-powered submarine and frigate, to anchor in Havana Bay, 90 miles from Florida. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6NH7C)
Following an invitation from congressional leaders in both parties, Benjamin Netanyahu has agreed to address U.S. lawmakers in Washington on July 24. The Onion presents the pros and cons of the controversial Israeli prime minister speaking before a joint session of Congress.Read more...
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on (#6NH7D)
AUSTIN, TX-Crediting himself for the electric vehicle company's latest innovation, CEO Elon Musk announced a plan Friday to add up-skirt cameras on all new Tesla vehicles. There will be one interior camera mounted near the brake pedal in addition to several external up-skirt cameras to capture footage of...Read more...
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on (#6NGHH)
K-pop idol Jin of the group BTS has promised to embrace 1,000 fans in a three-hour-long hugging marathon upon his return from service in the South Korean army, which requires all able-bodied men to serve. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6NGHJ)
DAYTON, OH-A wave of nostalgia and dirty toilet water rushing over them, old classmates attending a reunion at Belhaven High School easily picked up right in the swirly where they had left off, sources reported Wednesday. Wow, it's wild how we can come together after all these years and immediately get back into...Read more...
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on (#6NGHK)
THE HEAVENS-Begging the deliverymen to stay while He figured something out, the Lord God Almighty cursed loudly Thursday after He reportedly realized the gates of heaven were not wide enough for His new couch to fit through. Are you fucking kidding Me? Wayfair must have listed the dimensions wrong," said God, the...Read more...
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on (#6NGHM)
WASHINGTON-Marking the first time in history that humans have successfully smoothed away all the unsightly craters of a celestial body, NASA announced Thursday that it had polished the moon using an orbital rock tumbler. Thanks to the tireless efforts of our scientists, technicians, and engineers, we have tumbled the...Read more...
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on (#6NGC2)
Steve Bannon has been ordered by a judge to report to prison by July 1 to serve a four-month sentence after he was convicted of acting in contempt of Congress. The Onion explains everything you need to know about the former Trump advisor and far-right figure potentially spending time behind bars.
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on (#6NFV9)
The birth of a rare white buffalo in Yellowstone National Park fulfilled a Lakota prophecy predicting better times and also a sign to protect the animals and the Earth, with Chief Arvol Looking Horse saying that The birth of this calf is both a blessing and warning. We must do more." What do you think?Read more...
on (#6NFG0)
According to a study published in Nature Ecology & Evolution that used machine learning of audio data to predict the intention of African elephant calls, elephants address one another by and respond to individual names, using unique rumbling sounds to call out across distances. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6NFG2)
WASHINGTON-Trying to find work to keep the new summer hires busy, officials at the National Archives tasked intern Haley Scholtz with singeing the edges of the U.S. Constitution on Wednesday to make it look old. Just burn it around the margins a bit so it looks old-timey," said archivist Kevin McManus, telling...Read more...
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on (#6NFG3)
SAN DIEGO-Saying the product makes it possible to toss canines with greater ease than ever, Petco began sales this week of a new automatic dog launcher capable of throwing pets more than 30 feet through the air. Our Flying Fur launcher takes the hard work out of flinging your dog across the yard, allowing you to...Read more...
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on (#6NFG4)
WASHINGTON-Drawing stunned gasps from onlookers as he donned his signature eye patch and leather jacket, the man once known as President Joe Biden revealed Wednesday that he is, in fact, Delta Force operative Captain Robert Scott, on a mission since 1973 to investigate a major government cover-up. Ladies and...Read more...
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on (#6NEZH)
A bull named Party Bus escaped the ring during a rodeo in Oregon, hopping the fence and charging into the crowd where it injured three people. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6NEKP)
SARASOTA, FL-As the sudden appearance of his ancestors drew the bird several feet closer to the Boeing 747's turbine, local goose Chester Hanson was reportedly comforted Tuesday by visions of his long-dead relatives beckoning him into a jet engine. Mom? Dad? Uncle Henry?" said the 3-year-old Canada goose, who...Read more...
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on (#6NEKQ)
ROCHESTER, MN-Concluding the lack of skill was responsible for nearly 50 million tons of meat being discarded across the nation each year, a new study released Tuesday by researchers at the University of Minnesota Rochester found that over 80% of food waste resulted from half-assed chicken wing eating techniques....Read more...
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on (#6NDS8)
Caitlin Clark, who rose to fame while playing basketball at the University of Iowa, recently became embroiled in controversy during her WNBA debut for the Indiana Fever. The Onion interviewed Clark about her basketball career, her $21 million Nike deal, and what it's like being one of the most hotly debated female...Read more...
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on (#6NDPN)
NEW YORK-Following a five-year, multimillion dollar effort that surveyed citizens across the globe, a Columbia University study published Monday found that the pile remains the world's most popular stack. Our findings suggest that due to its versatility, style, and ease of use, piles are still the preferred...Read more...
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on (#6NDPP)
CHICAGO-Saying he had long ago developed the skills necessary to keep his rental properties one inspection away from being condemned, local landlord Bogdan Popescu told reporters Monday he prided himself on doing all his own code violations. Why should I pay to hire a plumber or an electrician when I can install a...Read more...
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on (#6NDPQ)
THE HEAVENS-Describing the experience as among the most painful a father can go through, the Lord God Almighty opened up to reporters Monday about the struggle of losing His only son to video game addiction. What really gets to Me is seeing this wonderful, bright, loving child lose His divine spark and spiral deeper...Read more...
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on (#6NDK5)
Looks abandoned enough. Grab a sleeping bag and move right in.Read more...
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on (#6NC80)
According to U.S. Citizenship and Immigration Services, migrants crossing the border into the United States illegally are now required to find a lawyer to represent their case within four hours of crossing if they want to argue their exemption from the asylum restrictions enacted by President Biden on Tuesday. What do ...Read more...