The Onion

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WASHINGTON-In a memo that stated they couldn't even smell the stuff without gagging, officials at the Food and Drug Administration announced Wednesday a plan to ban Captain Morgan rum, citing the fact that they'd had way too much of that shit in college. Captain Morgan Rum is not suitable for...ugh, we just need to get [...]The post FDA Bans Captain Morgan Rum After Having Way Too Much Of That Shit In College appeared first on The Onion.

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WASHINGTON-Revealing that retirees have a lot to look forward to after exiting the workforce, the Federal Reserve Survey of Consumer Finances, published Wednesday, found that the majority of Americans had enough saved for an absolutely incredible single day of retirement. By the time most people leave the workforce, they'll have accrued the necessary funds to [...]The post Report: Most Americans Have Enough Saved For Absolutely Incredible Single Day Of Retirement appeared first on The Onion.

PALM BEACH, FL-Sighing as he pulled on the head of a gargoyle while searching for a secret entrance to his old closet, Barron Trump reportedly returned home from college Tuesday to find his mother, Melania Trump, had converted his room into an unending labyrinth of darkness. I know she always wanted a cold, inescapable void [...]The post Barron Trump Returns Home To Find Melania Converted Room To Unending Labyrinth Of Darkness appeared first on The Onion.

Who says ectopic pregnancy has to be a bad thing? Pending a medically necessary eviction, this luxurious short-term rental can fit a growing fertilized egg for about six to 10 weeks. Reference #543286The post Fallopian Tube appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Participating in the annual tradition one last time before leaving office, President Joe Biden reportedly told a pardoned Thanksgiving turkey You're the Bonnie to my Clyde" on Monday before running off with it and disappearing over the horizon. It's us against the world now, turkey," said the commander-in-chief, grabbing the bird by the wing and [...]The post You're The Bonnie To My Clyde,' Says Biden Running Off With Pardoned Turkey appeared first on The Onion.

Robert F. Kennedy Jr., Donald Trump's pick to lead the Department of Health and Human Services, has faced scrutiny over his claims on vaccines, fluoride, nutrition, and more. The Onion fact-checks Kennedy on health. Claim: Fluoride is a toxic pollutant" and industrial waste" that should be taken out of public drinking water. False: Water fluoridation [...]The post Fact-Checking RFK Jr. On Health appeared first on The Onion.

THE HEAVENS-The color noticeably returning to His white beard as His cheeks began to flush with a youthful glow, celestial sources reported Monday that God has looked 400 millennia younger since He began undergoing a controversial procedure in which He is infused with His son's blood. I had my doubts at first, but as soon [...]The post God Looks 400 Millennia Younger After Infusing Self With Son's Blood appeared first on The Onion.

BETHESDA, MD-Brightening the day of those least important to her, local man Amanda Langston told reporters Monday that she wasted her good mood on her coworkers. I cannot believe I squandered this rush of happy feelings on my stupid colleagues," said Langston, explaining that the period of unusually high spirits from 9 a.m. until noon [...]The post Good Mood Wasted On Coworkers appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-With widespread support from her Republican colleagues, Rep. Nancy Mace (R-SC) introduced a bill Friday that would ban transgender lawmakers from the congressional gymnastics team. I don't care how good their bar routine is-no trans lawmaker will ever step on this mat," Mace said in support of the two-page resolution aimed at preventing incoming Delaware [...]The post Nancy Mace Introduces Bill That Would Ban Trans Colleagues From Congressional Gymnastics Team appeared first on The Onion.

President-elect Donald Trump selected Matt Gaetz as his choice for attorney general. Here is what you need to know about the former Florida congressman. Age On Tinder: 22 Height: 6-foot-2 with extra gangle Speaking Style: Scorned debate champion Religion: As needed Criminal History: Unfolding Forehead Movement: Critically endangered Fake ID Connection: Solid Type Of Sleazy: [...]The post Political Profile: Matt Gaetz appeared first on The Onion.

PALM BEACH, FL-Revealing that the stage was first set in 1999 with his short-lived Reform Party run, President-elect Donald Trump admitted Friday that his entire political career has been a WWE storyline to set up a match with Cody Rhodes. Everything, from the Obama trutherism to retaking the White House, has been building to this: [...]The post Trump Admits Entire Political Career Has Been WWE Storyline To Set Up Match With Cody Rhodes appeared first on The Onion.

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GLENDALE, CA-Rotating the tortilla-wrapped meal to consume the Mexican food in even levels, eyewitnesses reported Thursday that every movement in local man Eddy Azarian's burrito-eating technique has been informed by past burrito tragedies. You can see how he massages the outside to get an a well-balanced distribution of ingredients as he goes, so you know [...]The post Every Movement In Man's Burrito-Eating Technique Informed By Past Burrito Tragedies appeared first on The Onion.

PALM BEACH, FL-Blushing, short of breath, and unable to look away from the image, the Trump boys told reporters Thursday that they got a weird feeling after their Uncle Elon showed them a picture of a busty anime cat girl. Uncle Elon called us over to look at his phone, made us promise not to [...]The post Trump Boys Get Weird Feeling After Uncle Elon Shows Them Busty Anime Cat Girl appeared first on The Onion.

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WASHINGTON-Urging the public to remain skeptical until the object could be studied further, NASA officials confirmed during a press conference Wednesday that there was a potential link between extraterrestrials and the giant metal claw currently picking up the Earth. We believe that the mechanical three-pronged hand recently spotted clasped around the Arctic may be controlled [...]The post NASA: Potential Link Between Extraterrestrials, Giant Metal Claw Picking Up Earth appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-After bending the rules with a celebratory serving in honor of his special day, White House officials confirmed Wednesday that President Joe Biden had been given human food as a birthday treat. I know he's not technically supposed to eat this kind of stuff, but we figure once in a while on a special occasion [...]The post Joe Biden Given Human Food As Birthday Treat appeared first on The Onion.

The bride and groom finally decided to settle down after mutually accepting that cousins weren't completely off the table.The post James Nardone and Lisa Reynolds appeared first on The Onion.

In one of the largest corporate blackmail schemes in modern history, the popular fast food chain has reportedly sent the following ultimatum to millions of its customers: "We know who you are. Wire $10,000 by midnight, or the world will know too."The post Cash-Strapped Subway Threatens To Reveal Identities Of Customers Who Eat Subway If They Don't Pay appeared first on The Onion.

Four individuals were arrested for allegedly attempting to defraud their insurance companies by claiming a bear had damaged their vehicles, when in fact it was a person in a bear costume attacking the cars. What do you think?The post Bear Costume Used In Elaborate Car Insurance Fraud Scheme appeared first on The Onion.

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PALM BEACH, FL-Admitting that ever since he joined the campaign trail the billionaire tech mogul had refused to leave him alone, President-elect Donald Trump reportedly locked the bathroom door Tuesday so Elon Musk couldn't follow him in again. All right, Elon, out," an audibly frustrated Trump had said moments earlier as he stood up from [...]The post Trump Locks Bathroom Door So Elon Musk Can't Follow Him In appeared first on The Onion.

Why did you agree to pay $300,000 over asking and sign something called an upside-down mortgage? Reference #324192The post Overpaying For The Rest Of Your Fucking Life appeared first on The Onion.

NEW YORK-After being forced to eat McDonald's on the private jet of President-elect Donald Trump, a visibly sweaty Robert F. Kennedy Jr. reportedly performed surgery on himself this weekend to extract a Big Mac from his stomach. I have to cut the McDonald's out before it attacks my other organs," said the nominee for secretary [...]The post Sweating RFK Jr. Performs Self-Surgery To Extract Big Mac From Stomach appeared first on The Onion.

COLUMBUS, OH-Receiving widespread condemnation from residents and government officials alike, the neo-Nazi march that took place in Ohio's capital on Saturday was slammed for not procuring the proper permits. This is not the kind of nation we are-this is a country where we go down to city hall and complete all the proper forms before [...]The post Nazi March Condemned For Not Procuring Proper Permits appeared first on The Onion.

I'm Ready, Man,' Declares Weary President WASHINGTON-Explaining that this represented the end of the line and he simply wished to go out with a bang, President Joe Biden announced Monday that he had authorized Ukraine to use long-range weapons on him. Effective immediately, I'm giving the Ukrainian military the support needed for them to carry [...]The post Biden Authorizes Ukraine To Use Long-Range Weapons On Him appeared first on The Onion.

The South Korean radical feminist 4B movement, in which women swear off marriage, childbirth, dating men, and sex with men, has sparked intense conversations among Americans on social media. Here is what you need to know about 4B. Q: How did the 4B movement start? A: It was developed in South Korea by a group [...]The post What To Know About The 4B Movement appeared first on The Onion.

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WASHINGTON-Promising to end what he has called a war on public health" by the federal government, Robert F. Kennedy Jr., the nominee to oversee the Department of Health and Human Services, vowed Monday to ban all soaps that smell so good you eat a little. Big soap companies have been poisoning and deceiving American consumers [...]The post RFK Jr. Vows To Ban Soaps That Smell So Good You Eat A Little appeared first on The Onion.

President-elect Donald Trump has announced that campaign co-chair Susie Wiles will serve as his White House chief of staff. The Onion takes a look at the political strategist's background and credentials. Favorite Meeting Time: 10:45 a.m. Eyes: Soulless but not yet dead Nickname Trump Uses When She's Not Around: Paula Deen Tax Bracket: Looking up [...]The post Who Is Trump's Chief Of Staff Susie Wiles? appeared first on The Onion.

ANAHEIM, CA-Saying the couple wanted to minimize disruptions while they celebrated their love of American animation and each other, area bride Rachel DaSilva told reporters Friday that her Disney wedding would be kid-free. Josh and I are so excited to tie the knot here with Mickey, Minnie, and all our friends and family in attendance, [...]The post Disney Wedding Kid-Free appeared first on The Onion.

CLEVELAND-Stalled in a panic after his planned rampage hit an unexpected snag, area office shooter Zachary Carter was reportedly too grossed out Friday to kick down the door of his workplace's lactation room. Oh God, yuck-I feel like I can smell the lactation. I don't know if I can do this," said the pale and [...]The post Office Shooter Too Grossed Out To Kick Down Door Of Lactation Room appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Responding with visible exhaustion as the tech entrepreneur mentioned yet another of what he considered must-play titles, President-elect Donald Trump reportedly nodded vacantly Friday after Elon Musk rattled off his 10th consecutive video game recommendation. Uh-huh, so I should try, what was it again, Elon? Elden Ring? No, I haven't even heard of that one," [...]The post Trump Nods Vacantly As Elon Musk Rattles Off 10th Consecutive Video Game Recommendation appeared first on The Onion.

In addition to Donald Trump's resounding victory in the presidential election, Republicans have taken majority control of both the House of Representatives and the Senate. Here are the lessons Democrats can learn from the 2024 election cycle. Lock in John Legend's endorsement earlier. Cut out the woke policies that only a fraction of Americans find [...]The post Lessons Democrats Can Learn From The 2024 Election appeared first on The Onion.

Today we celebrate a new addition to the Global Tetrahedron LLC family of brands. And let me say, I really do see it as a family. Much like family members, our brands are abstract nodes of wealth, interchangeable assets for their patriarch to absorb and discard according to the opaque whims of the market. And [...]The post Here's Why I Decided To Buy InfoWars' appeared first on The Onion.