The Onion

WASHINGTON-Stressing that they were approaching the future with the utmost seriousness, the nation's fuckups announced a plan Friday to get their shit together for real this time. While I know we've made assurances like this in the past, as of today we are really and truly committed to putting an end to the bullshit and [...]The post Nation's Fuckups Announce Plan To Get Shit Together For Real This Time appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-In a move that stunned the global real estate community,President Donald Trump signed an executive order Thursday pulling the United States out ofHouse Hunters International. We're not benefiting from those perfect little apartments in Barcelona, so why should the U.S. foot the bill?" said Trump, who called out China for not paying its fair share [...]The post Trump Pulls U.S. Out Of House Hunters International appeared first on The Onion.

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So this is kind of awkward but it's been on my mind lately and I know it's probably nothing but I've gotta ask. And be honest, because I need someone I can count on to tell the truth. Okay, so...do you think I look ugly? Ugh, this is so embarrassing! I've just been getting this [...]The post Am I Ugly? appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Addressing the nation to reveal that one of the greatest threats facing the country had been eradicated, President Donald Trump announced Thursday that SEAL Team Six had killed a U.S. protester in a daring overnight raid. Tonight, I can report to the American people and to the world that the United States has conducted an [...]The post Trump Announces SEAL Team 6 Killed U.S. Protester In Daring Overnight Raid appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Despite the risks to national security from revealing such confidential information, the Pew Research Center released a study Thursday proving that 93% of individuals with one earbud in are receiving top-secret commands from HQ. Nearly every person you see in public wearing a single earbud is currently undertaking a clandestine mission on behalf of an [...]The post Study: 93% Of Individuals With One Earbud In Receiving Top-Secret Commands From HQ appeared first on The Onion.

EVERETT, WA-In an effort to emulate the pleasurable sensation of contact with another person, single man Henry Goldfarb reportedly sat on his own hand before dialing 911 Thursday to make it feel like someone else cared. If you use your imagination, it basically feels just as good as having somebody call emergency services for you," [...]The post Single Man Sits On Own Hand Before Dialing 911 So It Feels Like Someone Else Cares appeared first on The Onion.

ST. CHARLES, MO-Covering her ears as her father screamed at her mother about the overuse of suggestive POV camera shots, local child Hadley Lohman sat frightened atop the stairs last night watching her parents argue about the ending of The Sopranos, sources confirmed Wednesday. According to reports, Lohman crawled out of bed to the steps [...]The post Frightened Child Sits Atop Stairs Watching Parents Argue About Ending Of Sopranos' appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-In a decisive victory for longtime champions of the cause, congressional leaders announced Wednesday the passage of a new federal law mandating that all women talk with a baby voice. Under the terms of this legislation, every American female over the age of 18 is now required to speak with short, simple words in a [...]The post New Federal Law Mandates Women Talk With Baby Voice appeared first on The Onion.

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NORFOLK, VA-Rolling their eyes at her mindless embrace of that which brings her happiness in life, sources confirmed Tuesday that basic woman Madison Derry's entire personality revolves around things she enjoys. I honestly kind of cringe seeing how Maddy just goes along with what naturally appeals to her," said local woman Kelly Olsen, who scoffed [...]The post Basic Woman's Entire Personality Revolves Around Things She Enjoys appeared first on The Onion.

WEST PALM BEACH, FL-Finding himself stopped upon entering a building at the Trump International Golf Club, Vice President JD Vance was reportedly reminded by a staff member Tuesday that caddies are not allowed in the clubhouse. Sir, sir, you can't go in there," said head of guest services Melanie Cole, gently taking the vice president [...]The post JD Vance Reminded Caddies Not Allowed In Clubhouse appeared first on The Onion.

BALTIMORE-In the wake of news that the New York senator had postponed his book tour amid controversy over his vote for a spending bill, dejected Chuck Schumer superfan Sean Angston told reporters Monday that he couldn't believe he had dropped $10,000 on a VIP party package. Chuck is basically my idol, so I can't tell [...]The post Dejected Schumer Superfan Can't Believe He Dropped $10,000 On VIP Party Package appeared first on The Onion.

FORT WAYNE, IN-Boasting that she could already tell the two would produce beautiful babies, local senile grandma Deborah Hansen tried to set her grandkids up with each other, alarmed sources confirmed Monday. You know, my lovely granddaughter here likes computers just like you do, and she's single," Hansen reportedly told her 29-year-old grandson Zach while [...]The post Senile Grandma Tries To Set Up Grandkids With Each Other appeared first on The Onion.

AUSTIN, TX-In a drastic new order purportedly aimed at protecting its citizens, Texas state government officials reportedly put into effect a new mandatory six-month quarantine that would apply to anyone who has ever watchedWill And Grace. Anyone who watchedWill And Grace, the sitcom that revolutionized the popular depiction of homosexuality in the United States in [...]The post Texas Implements Mandatory 6-Month Quarantine For Anyone Who Has Watched Will And Grace' appeared first on The Onion.

CLEVELAND-Concluding that the rewards simply weren't worth the risks, local man Tim Fitzpatrick told reporters Monday that he would leave his oversized leprechaun hat at home on St. Patrick's Day to avoid damaging it. Obviously, it'd be a dream to live it up at McKiernan's with this thing on my head, but I'd just hate [...]The post Oversized Leprechaun Hat Left At Home On St. Patrick's Day To Avoid Damaging It appeared first on The Onion.

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WASHINGTON-Failing to receive the reaction he anticipated from audience members, JD Vance was booed at the John F. Kennedy Center for the Performing Arts while playing a French horn solo, sources confirmed Friday. The stage curtains reportedly rose to reveal the vice president, an amateur horn player, standing by himself behind a music stand, a [...]The post JD Vance's French Horn Solo Booed At Kennedy Center appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-In the wake of a growing outbreak that has sickened hundreds and killed two in West Texas and New Mexico, Health and Human Services Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. claimed Friday that measles could be cured with a good concealer. If you contract measles or suspect you have contracted measles, I recommend immediately applying a [...]The post RFK Jr. Claims Measles Can Be Cured With A Good Concealer appeared first on The Onion.

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WASHINGTON-Slumping back in their chairs and whining at the sight of intravenous lines in their bruised arms, a pale Eric Trump and Donald Trump Jr. reportedly asked their Uncle Elon on Friday when they could stop giving him blood. We're tired, Uncle Elon-tired and hungry," said Eric, the younger of the Trump boys, who began [...]The post Pale Trump Boys Ask When They Can Stop Giving Uncle Elon Blood appeared first on The Onion.

As the trade war heats up, Canada has imposed 25% retaliatory tariffs on billions of dollars of U.S. goods. Here are all the other ways Canada is fighting back: Dramatically paring back supply of fictional girlfriends Going shelf to shelf to boo imported American groceries Selling us syrup from their worst-tasting maple trees Aiming all [...]The post How Canadians Are Fighting Back Against U.S. Tariffs appeared first on The Onion.

PALM SPRINGS, CA-Appreciative of the quality time with those who have touched the life of their dear friend, guests at a bachelorette party expressed gratitude Friday that the recent celebration had provided them with valuable time to get high with the bride-to-be's cousin. It's easy to lose sight of these relationships as time goes on, [...]The post Bachelorette Party Provides Friends Valuable Time To Get High With Bride's Cousin appeared first on The Onion.

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WASHINGTON-Extending an offer to immigrants hoping to relocate to the United States, President Donald Trump unveiled a new type of visa Thursday for any foreign citizen willing to move to America to be friends with his son Barron. Any immigrant roughly Barron's age with similar interests may apply, with very little waiting time to get [...]The post Trump Announces New Visa Tier For Immigrants Who Will Be Friends With Barron appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Following a daring operation that saw authorities seize the man's property and detain him in an undisclosed location, FBI director Kash Patel announced Thursday that federal agents had uncovered 43 terabytes of free speech from local protestor Andrew Wyman's residence. Every American should be chilled to the core by the overwhelming display of constitutionally protected [...]The post Feds Uncover Terabytes Of Free Speech During Raid Of Protestor's Residence appeared first on The Onion.

JOPLIN, MO-In an effort to ensure the sustained growth of the white race and prevent the decline of Western civilization, a local school district launched a new pronatalist sex education class Thursday that requires students to care for 14 sacks of flour. For the next week, each of our seventh-graders will be in charge of [...]The post Pronatalist Sex Ed Class Requires Students To Care For 14 Sacks Of Flour appeared first on The Onion.

CHICAGO-Showing a graciousness and magnanimity that the rest of the world has denied these pariahs and rejects, Jordan Hall, the only good-looking person in the office, was reportedly mingling Wednesday with his hideous coworkers like a missionary among lepers. Several reports indicated that the handsome and fit Hall was drinking and eating alongside the outcasts [...]The post Only Good-Looking Person In Office Mingles With Hideous Coworkers Like Missionary Among Lepers appeared first on The Onion.

BATON ROUGE, LA-As a direct result of receiving pediatric emergency care services, local toddler Tim Ilsington, who was hospitalized Monday, will reportedly spend the rest of his life associating Mickey Mouse with physical pain. Sources confirmed that the 2-year-old, who was admitted to Ochsner Medical Center after fracturing his ulna, will from this point forward [...]The post Hospitalized Toddler To Spend Rest Of Life Associating Mickey Mouse With Physical Pain appeared first on The Onion.

PHILADELPHIA-Saying he was in the market for a more powerful and rugged vehicle, prospective car buyer Gabe Orcutt reportedly took an SUV out Wednesday for a test hit and run. I took it for a spin through some pedestrians, and I like how smoothly this thing flees the scene of an accident," Orcutt said of [...]The post Prospective Car Buyer Takes SUV Out For Test Hit And Run appeared first on The Onion.

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WASHINGTON-Promising to use the U.S. DOGE Service to usher in a new age of government accountability and transparency, Elon Musk ordered the creation of a federal employee revenge porn database this week. Federal employees have been lazy and unmotivated for years, so to ensure productivity going forward, all government workers must email me private nudes [...]The post Elon Musk Creates Federal Employee Revenge Porn Database appeared first on The Onion.

WEST HOLLYWOOD, CA-In a new revelation shedding further light on the ticket sales and distribution giant's alleged monopoly, a bombshell report published Tuesday found that Ticketmaster controls 80% of America's middle school talent shows. Ticketmaster retains the exclusive booking rights to thousands of middle school auditoriums across the country, creating an out-of-control resale market that [...]The post Report Finds Ticketmaster Controls 80% Of Nation's Middle School Talent Shows appeared first on The Onion.