The Onion

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BOCA RATON, FL-Sitting straight up in bed in a cold sweat as she struggled to shake the horrifying image from her mind, pop superstar Taylor Swift reportedly awoke from a nightmare Tuesday in which her boyfriend, Travis Kelce, won an Oscar before she did. It was horrible-they called his name, and I had to stand [...]The post Taylor Swift Wakes Up From Nightmare Where Travis Kelce Wins Oscar Before Her appeared first on The Onion.

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WASHINGTON-Growing increasingly contemplative as he fantasized about a stiff drink after a long day at work, Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth reportedly wondered Monday whether uranium might make a good mixer. I feel like it could bring out the more chemical notes of gin in a really nice way without overpowering it," said the Pentagon chief, [...]The post Pete Hegseth Wondering Whether Uranium Would Be A Good Mixer appeared first on The Onion.

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The following is an open letter from Global Tetrahedron CEO Bryce P. Tetraeder that was included with each copy ofThe Onion that was sent to Congress. If you are reading this, you are likely either a member of Congress or one of the many underlings tasked with prodding lawmakers from a senile haze when they [...]The post Why I'm Sending Issues of The Onion' To Every Member Of Congress appeared first on The Onion.

ALTOONA, PA-Saying the pampered 6-year-old seemed to think someone should provide her with a midday meal on a regular basis, sources told reporters Thursday that local entitled child Harper Wiley expected to eat lunch each day of her young life.Can you imagine? Not just on the odd occasion, but every single day!" said a source [...]The post Entitled Child Expects To Eat Lunch Every Day appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-After weeks of eliminating what many lawmakers called frivolous" and unnecessary" provisions, Congress reportedly passed a blank bill Thursday in which President Donald Trump can simply write whatever law he wants. Today we are sending to the president's desk 200 completely clean sheets of paper that are hereby codified such that anything he chooses to [...]The post Congress Passes Blank Bill For Trump To Write Whatever Law He Wants appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Stressing that the facade informs nearly every aspect of his daily life, Sen. Josh Hawley (R-MO) told reporters Thursday that his Christian faith is an important part of who he pretends to be.Whether I'm delivering a speech calling for theocracy in front of dozens of cameras or talking to my children at the kitchen table [...]The post Christian Faith An Important Part Of Who Senator Pretends To Be appeared first on The Onion.

LOS ANGELES-Confirming that doctors had performed the procedure successfully, sources reported Friday that Sabrina Carpenter had undergone a state-mandated lobotomy to cure her medically diagnosed nymphomania. According to eyewitnesses, the 26-year-old artist arrived at a state mental hospital early this morning strapped to a gurney so that she could not act on her depraved sexual [...]The post Sabrina Carpenter Undergoes State-Mandated Lobotomy To Cure Nymphomania appeared first on The Onion.

Tina Webb, 25, died Saturday night, becoming the fifth assistant that Xander the Magnificent has burned through in as many weeks.The post Tina Webb appeared first on The Onion.

HOUSTON-Recounting the deeply spiritual event as one that was life-changing but contractually difficult to articulate, area man Kyle Hartsfield recalled angels asking him to sign a nondisclosure agreement following a near-death experience, sources confirmed Thursday. It was incredible, and I really wish I could talk about it," said Hartsfield, describing the series of events in [...]The post Man Returning From Near-Death Experience Recalls Angels Making Him Sign NDA appeared first on The Onion.

LOS ANGELES-Stressing that it wasn't their problem and theycertainly didn't have the time or energy to investigate further, the authors of a report released Thursday found that it was probably fine that a 5-year-old just whizzed by on a Lyft scooter. Nobody else on the street seems to be freaking out or anything, and look, [...]The post Report: It Probably Fine That 5-Year-Old Just Whizzed By On Lyft Scooter appeared first on The Onion.

Van Horne married Blythewood Saturday, turning his bewitched household appliances back into humans.The post Fiona Blythewood and Dexter Van Horne appeared first on The Onion.

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BOSTON-Blowing dust off a scientific breakthrough that could fundamentally alter human perception of the universe, physicists at Boston University reportedly discovered a never-before-seen elementary particle in the back of an old cupboard Wednesday. In what constitutes a giant leap forward in the field of quantum mechanics, one of our researchers was rooting around in a [...]The post Physicists Discover Never-Before-Seen Particle In Back Of Old Cupboard appeared first on The Onion.

What would you say? The night would come and go, but this 3-bedroom, 2-bath Tudor-style house could last a lifetime. Think of it. A whole house...for one night. Don't answer right away. Just consider it. Reference #26469The post Yours, In Exchange For One Night With Your Wife appeared first on The Onion.

The severely claustrophobic Malin Rourke, 78, died Tuesday surrounded by loved ones on every side and with no possible escape.The post Malin Rourke appeared first on The Onion.

CLEVELAND-Insisting she preferred the peace of mind that came from knowing who her children were spending time with, local mom Sandra Peck told reporters Tuesday she would rather her kids host a freak-off in their own basement instead of at some rapper's house. Of course, I'd rather they not freak-off at all, but if they're [...]The post Mom Would Rather Kids Host Freak-Off In Own Basement Instead Of Some Rapper's House appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-After being confronted about social media posts that blamed the shootings of two Minnesota lawmakers on the far left, Sen. Mike Lee (R-UT) stressed Tuesday that he would have said the same thing if his own family had been savagely murdered. Democrats can say what they want about me, but I would have absolutely called [...]The post Mike Lee Stresses He Would Have Posted Same Thing If Own Family Savagely Murdered appeared first on The Onion.

CHATTANOOGA, TN-In the midst of an armed bank robbery that authorities said is still ongoing, an unidentified gunman allegedly took a huge swing during a tense standoff Monday when he ordered his hostages Buffalo chicken pizza. Law enforcement officials confirmed the First National Bank downtown had been surrounded by SWAT teams for over six hours [...]The post Gunman Takes Huge Swing Ordering Hostages Buffalo Chicken Pizza appeared first on The Onion.

Hey, guys. It's me, acclaimed filmmaker Wes Anderson. I just finished my latest movie, The Phoenician Scheme, and it's going to be great. It's got everything-an ensemble cast of A-listers, set designs to die for, and a mid-century setting in exotic locales. But real quick, before I go ahead and release it, I wanted to [...]The post You Sure You're In The Mood For Another Wes Anderson Film With Everything That's Going On? appeared first on The Onion.

BURLINGTON, VT-Receiving encouragement from her ob-gyn as she struggled amid the throes of childbirth, area woman Jill Henderson was assured while giving birth Tuesday that everything was looking gross down there.You're doing great, and your cervix is every bit as revolting as it should be at this stage of labor," said Dr. Thomas Carver, who [...]The post Woman Giving Birth Assured Everything Looks Gross Down There appeared first on The Onion.

The pair tied the knot in a small backyard ceremony Sunday at the childhood home of their Airbnb host.The post Molly Hall and David Kerry appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Following the Minnesota attacks in which one Democratic state legislator was killed and another was shot nine times, Republican members of Congress issued a statement Monday clarifying that their hate-filled rhetoric was only meant to stoke fundraising. While some argue that our inflammatory language was intended to dehumanize and fuel violence against our political rivals, [...]The post GOP Lawmakers Clarify Their Hate-Filled Rhetoric Only Meant To Stoke Fundraising appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Reaching out to the surviving victims of Saturday's shootings as they recovered from their numerous gunshot wounds, President Donald Trump reportedly called Minnesota state Sen. John Hoffman and his wife Yvette Hoffman on Monday to rant about Gov. Tim Walz. Your governor was very unfair to me in the 2024 election-a real nasty piece of [...]The post Trump Calls Shooting Victims To Rant About Tim Walz appeared first on The Onion.

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LOS ANGELES-Faced with criticism after posting the suggestive cover of her forthcoming album Man's Best Friend, pop star Sabrina Carpenter released a statement Monday assuring her fans that Daddy will punish her over it. To any of my fans who were offended by the provocative album artwork, please know that I will be appropriately disciplined [...]The post Sabrina Carpenter Assures Fans That Daddy Will Punish Her For Album Cover appeared first on The Onion.

BALTIMORE-As public schools across the country increasingly face budget shortfalls, educators like Patricia Harper, a fifth-grade teacher in Baltimore, have reportedly found it more necessary than ever to provide their own salaries. I'm committed to coming into this classroom every day and helping my students learn, but in order to do this, I'm now required [...]The post Teacher Required To Provide Own Salary appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Racking their brains as they tried to determine the express purpose of the homeland security secretary's outfit, sources confirmed Monday they were not sure why Kristi Noem was wearing a firefighter helmet, night-vision goggles, high heels, and a wet suit. Huh, that's odd, but there must be some kind of reason for it, right?" said [...]The post No One Sure Why Kristi Noem Wearing Firefighter Helmet, Night-Vision Goggles, High Heels, Wet Suit appeared first on The Onion.

LUBBOCK, TX-Saying the threat posed too great a risk to the life of its officers, the Lubbock Police Department confirmed Thursday its SWAT team had deployed a robot that succeeded in dismantling a potentially dangerous Black man. A spokesperson for the department, which reportedly received dozens of calls from individuals claiming to have seen a [...]The post SWAT Team Robot Successfully Dismantles Black Man appeared first on The Onion.

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Beautiful Georgian home in a perfect neighborhood, your literal dream home, except get this: They painted the fucking brick. What kind of moron would paint brick?The post Ah Fuck, They Painted The Brick appeared first on The Onion.

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WASHINGTON-Growing increasingly concerned as she peered around at the marching troops, towed artillery, and self-propelled howitzers, local D.C. doggy daycare owner Frieda Shaw told reporters Saturday that she worried her sponsored parade float was sticking out at President Donald Trump's military parade. At first, I was really excited to spread the word about Doggy Getaway-I [...]The post Owner Of D.C. Doggy Daycare Worried Her Military Parade Float Sticking Out appeared first on The Onion.

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