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The Onion
| Link | https://theonion.com/ |
| Feed | https://www.theonion.com/rss |
| Updated | 2025-09-18 11:19 |
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on (#6PK0V)
WASHINGTON-Providing long-awaited insight into the attempted assassin's mental state, a report released Monday found that gunman Thomas Matthew Crooks googled How to be an enigma" before trying to kill former President Donald Trump. After reviewing the shooter's browser history, we have discovered several searches...Read more...
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on (#6PJV9)
SAN FRANCISCO-Pointing out that most of them don't even own a professional sports team, local billionaire Felix Stacey gave his millionaire friends credit Monday for keeping him humble. It's easy to become out of touch when you have billions and billions of dollars, but I can always count on my millionaire friends to...Read more...
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on (#6PJVA)
NEW YORK-Maintaining his silence in the wake of sudden tragedy, new hire Will Rorke told reporters Monday that he was not yet comfortable enough to mention that he had seen a man die on his way into the office. I wish I knew my coworkers well enough to open up about how I just witnessed a stranger drop dead from a...Read more...
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on (#6PJVB)
HILLSBORO, OR-Lambasting the verdict as cruel" and brash," 3-year-old Ian Tobler reportedly vowed Monday to appeal his parents' decision to keep his newborn baby brother. I am deeply disappointed by my parents' decision to bring Mateo home from the hospital, and I will continue to fight for justice," said Tobler,...Read more...
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on (#6PGMK)
EAST RUTHERFORD, NJ-Insisting repeatedly that they just didn't have the space, physical therapy practice Elite Recovery politely declined New York Giants quarterback Daniel Jones' offer Friday of a framed and signed game-worn jersey for the wall. That's so nice of you, and we wish we could put it up, but...Read more...
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on (#6PDYH)
WASHINGTON-Doing her best to appear elated while a large, throbbing vein protruded from her forehead, former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton said she was really, really, really happy' for Vice President Kamala Harris as she shook the presumptive Democratic nominee's hand and refused to let go of it. So, so, so...Read more...
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on (#6PDPV)
BALTIMORE-Aiming to raise awareness of the sexually transmitted disease, a new study published Tuesday by the University of Maryland School of Medicine revealed that nearly 14% of college freshmen will contract human papillomavirus by the end of their campus tour. New data shows a staggering number of incoming...Read more...
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on (#6PDPW)
WASHINGTON-A new report published Tuesday by the Pew Research Center found that 78% of Americans were too distracted by politics to appreciate the summer Glen Powell is having. Between the attempted assassination of one party's presidential candidate and a last-minute replacement of the other, more than three...Read more...
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on (#6PDPX)
SAUSALITO, CA-Stressing that she had done everything in her power to avoid medical intervention, local vet Dr. Anita Kaiser, DMV reportedly told a French bulldog Tuesday that she had bad news about her natural birth. While I know it can be hard for dogs of your breed to hear, unfortunately, centuries of inbreeding...Read more...
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on (#6PD8B)
SCHAUMBURG, IL-Admitting that he should frankly know better than to share anything at this point, local man Jason Dearborn told reporters Monday that sending a photo of a garden cucumber to his father unleashed a torrent of unbridled criticism. I texted my family a photo of what I thought was a great-looking,...Read more...
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on (#6PD8C)
WASHINGTON-Arriving for a campaign strategy session with the vice president and staring in disbelief at her frail, hunched-over form, top Democratic Party officials reportedly began panicking Monday after they discovered Kamala Harris had aged 40 years in a single night. What the hell happened to her? She was only 59...Read more...
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on (#6PD8E)
NEW YORK-Calling out the unsustainable pace at which historic events seemed to be occurring, local man Brad Gifford told reporters Monday that important news stories were now happening faster than he could generate uninformed opinions about them. Look, I'm trying my hardest to scrape together confused takes...Read more...
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on (#6PD5B)
JACKSONVILLE, FL-Shedding new light on the role of self-perception in human psychology, a new study published Monday by the Mayo Clinic found that smacking one's own head while yelling Stupid, stupid, stupid" could be an early sign of low self-esteem. While previous generations saw the act of batting at your own...Read more...
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on (#6PCVS)
Scientists have confirmed the discovery of a cave on the moon not far from where Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin landed 55 years ago, with potentially hundreds more that could house future astronauts. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6PCJN)
WASHINGTON-In a significant setback for the already-reeling Democratic Party, Vice President Kamala Harris reportedly turned down the presidential nomination today in order to take a job on an Alaskan fishing vessel. It's a nice offer, but I already lined up this whole seasonal fishing gig out of Anchorage that...Read more...
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on (#6PCH4)
WASHINGTON-In what was widely regarded as a misfire by the 81-year-old as he formally bowed out of the 2024 election, President Joe Biden repeatedly flubbed his exit speech today, saying he would rule the country with an iron fist for one thousand years." Tonight, I, Joseph R. Biden, vow to take back my rightful...Read more...
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on (#6PBGC)
Donald Trump formally accepted the 2024 Republican nomination for president, the announcement coming days after an attempted assassination on the former president's life. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6PB7T)
Athletes from around the world have begun arriving in Paris ahead of the 2024 Summer Olympics. The Onion met up with Simone Biles, the most decorated gymnast in history, to discuss mental health, the pressure to succeed, and her experience at the 2020 Tokyo Games.
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on (#6PB7W)
CHICAGO-With the franchise on track to have what may be the single worst season in the modern history of the sport, Major League Baseball sought to remind the Chicago White Sox on Friday that the team's games were televised. Based on the way you're playing, we just wanted to make sure you understand that there are...Read more...
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on (#6PB7X)
CORAL GABLES, FL-Calling the project a labor of love," plastic surgeon Dr. Alexander Ruttenberg reportedly tore his new wife, Natalia Barova, down to the studs this week. She's not perfect, but she's got good bones," said Ruttenberg, who boasted that he was spending a small fortune" on cosmetic updates and...Read more...
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on (#6PB7Y)
KENOSHA, WI-Stunned at the act's failure to benefit his mood in any discernible way, completely alone 37-year-old Doug Kaczmarek told reporters Friday that he had really thought blowing out a birthday candle in his dark apartment would cheer him up. Huh. I expected sitting by myself in the shadows and blowing out a...Read more...
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on (#6PAPY)
Judge Aileen Cannon, the Florida judge overseeing Donald Trump's classified documents trial, dismissed the case on the grounds that the appointment of and funding for special counsel Jack Smith was illegal, flying in the face of previous court decisions reaching back to the Watergate era. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6PAM6)
WASHINGTON-Kneeling beside him as he softly stirred, an aide reportedly told President Joe Biden on Thursday that he had won the election and then gently closed his eyes. It's okay, Mr. President-all is well in the world, thanks to you," the White House staffer said as she attempted to fold the president's hands...Read more...
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on (#6PABJ)
Former President Donald Trump survived a shocking attempt on his life at a Pennsylvania campaign rally, sustaining only minor injuries. The Onion takes a look back on the history of assassinations and attempted assassinations in the United States.
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on (#6PAAS)
DUBUQUE, IA-Following a late night out with friends during which they visited a succession of local bars, hungover sources unanimously reported Thursday that the last drink they had was definitely the one that did it. That tequila shot we took right at the end-that was our mistake," said a visibly hungover Pete...Read more...
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on (#6PAAT)
MINNETONKA, MN-Telling reporters that the three little bois had sooooo much fun the last few days, police announced Thursday that a missing woman had been discovered after her two sweet angel kitty babies went num num num on her corpse. At 10 a.m., investigators found the victim unresponsive and noted that her feline...Read more...
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on (#6P9CB)
CHICAGO-Suggesting the venue could provide the friendship and intimacy the man had lacked for so long, a report released Thursday found that going to a strip club might be exactly what isolated 33-year-old Luke Walters needs. When you think about it, making an inaugural visit to somewhere like the Admiral Theatre and...Read more...
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on (#6P9CC)
WASHINGTON-Her heart racing as she stared at the page, Vice President Kamala Harris reportedly freaked out Wednesday after seeing her LinkedIn profile had received more than 30 views this week. What the hell? I'm blowing up!" said Harris, who is believed to have been unnerved by the unprecedented spike in...Read more...
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on (#6P8KT)
BROOKLINE, MA-Expecting at least a temporary moratorium on the subject, sources expressed surprise Tuesday when local woman Gale Dunn's recent divorce failed to slow down her continual pleas for her adult daughter to get married. Honestly, Cara, when are you going to get serious about finding a husband and settling...Read more...
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on (#6P8KV)
WASHINGTON-Making the case that the time had come to abandon your godless life of unbelief, a new report released Tuesday by a consortium of local pastors found that just giving in and going to church would solve all of your problems. The challenges you face will disappear if you simply throw in the towel and stop...Read more...
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on (#6P8GG)
ROCKVILLE, MD-Calling the Frosted Flakes cereal mascot the most constant and supportive force in his life, local man Dylan Harney told reporters Tuesday that Tony the Tiger remained the closest thing he had to a father figure. Every morning growing up, I'd wake up and be greeted by that strong but caring cartoon...Read more...
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on (#6P8KW)
Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump recently selected Ohio Sen. J.D. Vance as his running mate. The Onion takes a look at the author and venture capitalist's background and political stances.Read more...
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on (#6P8FZ)
MILWAUKEE-Giving the senator a moment to collect himself, aides reported this week that a sobbing Marco Rubio was refusing to come out of the bathroom stall to give his speech at the Republican National Convention. Aw, Marco-you know, being vice president isn't everything," said Rubio's chief of staff, Jessica...Read more...
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on (#6P7YE)
MILWAUKEE-Following the chaotic events of the past 48 hours, former President Donald Trump reportedly rewrote his Republican National Convention acceptance speech Monday to remove all mentions of never having been shot in the ear. My track record of never having gotten shot in the ear was very good, and was...Read more...
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on (#6P7XF)
WASHINGTON-In a damning report that raised pointed questions about the federal agency's security procedures, an investigation by the House Committee on Homeland Security concluded Monday that the Secret Service failed to account for the nation's 393 million civilian-owned guns while protecting former President...Read more...
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on (#6P7EY)
SEATTLE-Providing clarity for customers in Russia, Moldova, Serbia, Georgia, and several other countries where the branch of Christianity is dominant, Amazon announced Monday that Orthodox Prime Day would be held July 29 through 30 this year. To all those Prime members who follow the Julian calendar, please know we...Read more...
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on (#6P6T0)
A woman who was swept 50 miles out into the Pacific Ocean while swimming with an inflatable swim ring was rescued after 37 hours, with authorities reporting she was likely taken by a current and pushed by strong winds in her inner tube. What do you think?Read more...
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