The Onion

President Donald Trump's budget megabill is in the House of Representatives after being narrowly passed by the Senate. Here are the key items in The One Big Beautiful Bill Act." Funding for something called The Facility." Smaller, phone booth-sized detention boxes on every American street corner. Coupon for buy two get one free" 12-packs of [...]The post What's In Trump's Big Beautiful Bill appeared first on The Onion.

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CHICAGO-Emphasizing the constraints of God's healing hands, a new study published Thursday in the Journal Of The American Medical Association found that the curative power of prayer was limited exclusively to genital warts. Our data revealed that while people attempt to cure a host of medical conditions by praying, the only ailment it was shown [...]The post Study Finds Curative Power Of Prayer Limited To Genital Warts appeared first on The Onion.

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LOS ANGELES-Revealing new details about the highly anticipated film, actor and producer Jared Leto teased Wednesday that the villain in Tron: Ares would be a teenage girl who lies for attention. If you thought Clu was scary in the last film, just wait until you meet Kaylee," said Leto, who shared that the antagonist would [...]The post Jared Leto Teases Tron: Ares' Villain Will Be Teen Girl Who Lies For Attention appeared first on The Onion.

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SILVER SPRING, MD-Issuing a public warning for Americans to watch or they might miss out, the U.S. Food and Drug Administration reportedly recalled three navel oranges Wednesday to prove that they could juggle. Toss 'em here," said spokesperson John Lavietes, adding that American consumers who had recently purchased navel, Valencia, or blood oranges should not [...]The post FDA Recalls 3 Oranges To Prove They Can Juggle appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Highlighting a growing wealth gap nationwide, the Pew Research Center published a report Wednesday that revealed the average American's plan for retirement now involves Richard Gere falling for them after paying for sex. Our findings suggest that the vast majority of people are now hinging their retirement on Mr. Gere spotting them on the street, [...]The post Report: Average American's Retirement Plan Involves Richard Gere Falling For Them After Paying For Sex appeared first on The Onion.

NEW YORK-Calling it a historic moment" in women's basketball history, the WNBA announced Wednesday that the league would expand into three more cities as its Caitlin Clark cloning experiment neared completion. Soon, Cleveland, Detroit, and Philadelphia will reap the rewards of our effort to bioengineer several perfect replicas of Caitlin Clark," said WNBA commissioner Cathy [...]The post WNBA To Expand Into 3 More Cities As Caitlin Clark Cloning Experiment Nears Completion appeared first on The Onion.

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ATLANTA-Reminding you that the views expressed in the show serve as a reflection of your own depravity, a disclaimer that aired Tuesday at the beginning of TLC's 1000-Lb Sisters stated that something is very wrong with you for watching this. WARNING: The following episode speaks to the deeply and irrevocably messed up part of your [...]The post 1000-Lb Sisters' Episode Begins With Disclaimer That Something Wrong With You For Watching appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Stressing that it would be simplest to troubleshoot now during the onboarding process for his company's surveillance technology, Palantir founder Peter Thiel reportedly spent Tuesday morning showing President Donald Trump how to sort a spreadsheet of Americans by ethnicity. So what's neat is that you can just do command-shift-E and rank every single resident from [...]The post Peter Thiel Shows Trump How To Sort Spreadsheet Of Americans By Ethnicity appeared first on The Onion.

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LONDON-Receiving the warning shortly after first-round matches got underway at Wimbledon, tennis player Daniil Medvedev was issued a code violation Monday for an un-British display of emotion.Code violation, Medvedev, for verbally expressing frustration," said chair umpire Oliver Gladwin-Taylor, reminding both players that they must keep things stoic" after Medvedev audibly sighed and slightly shook his [...]The post Wimbledon Player Issued Violation For Un-British Display Of Emotion appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-In a provocative 6-3 decision, the Supreme Court ruled Monday that everyone's a damn critic these days. It is this court's opinion that apparently everyone has their own ideas about how this court should operate and is not shy about sharing their views-even when no one asks," Chief Justice John Roberts wrote in his 10-page [...]The post Supreme Court Rules 6-3 That Everyone A Damn Critic appeared first on The Onion.

MADISON, WI-Warning that each new iteration of dummy seems to be more witless than the last, a team of scientists at the University of Wisconsin stated Monday that they were no closer to uncovering where their friend Lisa Pullman finds these bozos. Despite years of extensive research, we still lack even a rudimentary understanding of [...]The post Scientists No Closer To Uncovering Where Friend Finds These Bozos appeared first on The Onion.

CAMBRIDGE, MA-Taking a deep breath and straightening his back, Yo-Yo Ma finally worked up the courage to tell his parents that he was quitting cello, sources confirmed Friday. Mom, Dad, this is it-I quit," said Ma, who exhaled and then winced as his parents immediately reacted to the consequential words by simultaneously exclaiming But you [...]The post Yo-Yo Ma Finally Works Up Courage To Tell Parents He Quitting Cello appeared first on The Onion.

GENEVA-Saying frost-covered courts heralded a new direction for the sport, officials from the Geneva Open defended Monday their decision to hold a tennis tournament on ice.The state-of-the-art ice courts at the Tennis Club de Geneve will allow for more strategic play as athletes try to avoid slipping and falling while serving, returning, or even just [...]The post Geneva Open Introduces Ice Courts appeared first on The Onion.

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LOS ANGELES-Coinciding with a spike in interest in cars and moving fast, a trend report published Friday by Edmunds Research confirmed that driving was surging in popularity thanks to Apple's new film F1. F1 has really pushed driving into the forefront of culture, and now it's having a moment," said report co-author Jared Eash, who [...]The post Driving Surges In Popularity Thanks To F1' Film appeared first on The Onion.

ST. PETERSBURG, FL-Noting that the change in status was disconcerting and weird for everyone involved, family sources released a report Thursday confirming that it would never feel right seeing Dad in the backseat of the car. It's just wrong to look in the rearview mirror and see Dad sitting back there like a little kid," [...]The post Report: It Will Never Feel Right Seeing Dad In Backseat Of Car appeared first on The Onion.

GETTYSBURG, PA-Following a fourth chorus of Kingdom Coming," fellow participants sternly reminded local Civil War reenactor Christopher Geary that this was not his personal fife recital, frustrated sources confirmed Friday. This is the Battle of Gettysburg, not the Christopher Geary Music Hour!" said Frank Mercer, 54, who portrayed Gen. George Meade and had already told [...]The post Civil War Reenactor Reminded This Not His Personal Fife Recital appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Citing extensive research he had conducted on the matter, Health and Human Services Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. issued a statement Friday claiming that vaccines were no more effective than drinking horseshoe crab blood straight. Despite the lofty promises of pharmaceutical companies, there's simply no evidence to suggest that vaccines provide more immunological benefit than [...]The post RFK Jr.: Vaccines No More Effective Than Drinking Horseshoe Crab Blood Straight appeared first on The Onion.

EAU CLAIRE, WI-Massaging their stiff shoulders and necks while remarking that they wish they'd known how good they had it when they were your age, slightly older sources reported Thursday that if you think your body feels bad now, just you wait. Hoo boy, you might think things hurt already, but buckle up, because this [...]The post Slightly Older Sources Report If You Think Body Feels Bad Now, Just Wait appeared first on The Onion.

NEW YORK-Shaking a logo-emblazoned cap enticingly over his head, a defense attorney for Sean Diddy" Combs' reportedly tossed jurors Ciroc-branded swag during closing statements Thursday in the 55-year-old music mogul's racketeering and sex-trafficking trial. All right, who wants a free towel?" lawyer Marc Agnifilo said as the men and women of the jury immediately clamored [...]The post Diddy Lawyer Tosses Jury Ciroc Swag During Closing Statement appeared first on The Onion.

WOODBINE, NJ-Saying the man's behavior and temperament had helped him excel in a difficult environment, sources confirmedThursday that every trait disqualifying ICE agent Jake Clements from previous jobs had made him ideal for his current role. Several reports indicated the 29-year-old high school graduate, who had been dismissed from numerous past positions in food service [...]The post Every Trait Disqualifying ICE Agent From Previous Jobs Ideal For Current One appeared first on The Onion.

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Jeff Bezos, Amazon founder and the world's second richest man, wed his fiance Lauren Sanchez in a lavish, multi-day ceremony this week in Venice, Italy. The Onion examines the facts and figures behind the event. 4,976: Number of Amazon fulfillment center workers who fainted on the job to make this possible 25: Yacht pileup in [...]The post Jeff Bezos' Italian Wedding By The Numbers appeared first on The Onion.

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VENICE, ITALY-Smiling at the couple's lighthearted twist on a traditional ring bearer, guests at the wedding of Jeff Bezos and Lauren Sanchez were reportedly delighted this week by the sight of an Amazon worker with a ring tied to his collar crawling down the aisle. Oh my gosh, my heart is melting-such a good boy," [...]The post Bezos Wedding Guests Delighted By Amazon Worker With Ring Tied To Collar Crawling Down Aisle appeared first on The Onion.

VENICE, ITALY-In a welcome bag filled with favors such as local chocolates, artisanal soaps, and scented candles, guests arriving for the wedding of Amazon founder Jeff Bezos and Lauren Sanchez this week were reportedly given monogrammed plastic bottles in which to urinate during the ceremony. Because guests will be strictly prohibited from leaving the room [...]The post Bezos Wedding Guests Given Monogrammed Plastic Bottles To Urinate In During Ceremony appeared first on The Onion.

BLOOMINGTON, IL-Stopping the polo-clad man and ushering him off toward the bathroom, restaurant staff reportedly provided an improperly dressed Applebee's patron with a loaner stained hoodie on Wednesday. I'm sorry, sir, but we cannot seat you unless you are wearing something more in line with this establishment's dress code," said Applebee's hostess Angeline Reilly, who [...]The post Improperly Dressed Applebee's Diner Provided Loaner Stained Hoodie appeared first on The Onion.

ITHACA, NY-Stressing that even shallow puddles could undermine an infant's traction, parenting experts at Cornell University published a report Wednesday in which they warned that babies could hydroplane in as little as one inch of water. You have to watch infants and toddlers closely around water, because even a thin layer can send them sliding [...]The post Parenting Experts Warn Babies Can Hydroplane In As Little As One Inch Of Water appeared first on The Onion.