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on (#6GHPK)
This is a developing story. Please check theonion.com for more.Read more...
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The Onion
| Link | https://theonion.com/ |
| Feed | https://www.theonion.com/rss |
| Updated | 2024-11-23 00:31 |
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on (#6GH94)
WASHINGTON-Describing himself as a failure in conversations with family, friends, and White House staffers, President Biden reportedly spent his birthday Monday depressed over not having accomplishing anything by the age of 81. Ugh, another year come and gone with nothing to show for it," said a despondent Biden,...Read more...
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on (#6GGSW)
AUGUSTA, GA-Realizing he should have introduced them years ago, local man Daniel Pendergast's family was really hitting it off with his secret family, sources confirmed Monday. I just assumed they'd be jealous of each other or mad at me for manipulating all of them for the past decade, but they genuinely seem to be...Read more...
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on (#6GF8N)
Tomorrow, SpaceX will launch its Starship rocket, which is being designed to take NASA astronauts to the moon, in its first attempt at a test flight since an aborted launch in April when a crucial valve froze over, preventing the craft from pressurizing. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6GF8P)
This beautiful two-bedroom Colonial is the perfect place to raise a family and-whoa there, buddy, nothing to see here. With a spacious backyard and a washer-dryer, you'll feel right at-that door sticks so it's better if we don't even fiddle with it right now. What? No, I don't hear any noises. It's just a door, buddy....Read more...
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on (#6GETM)
According to Bradley Cooper, who co-wrote, directed, produced, and stars in the Netflix film Maestro about composer Leonard Bernstein, he was so nervous about a live recording with the London Symphony Orchestra that he practiced conducting the six minutes and 21 seconds of music used in the scene for six years before...Read more...
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on (#6GETN)
NASSAU, BAHAMAS-Describing the constant barrage of emotional highs as a welcome but exhausting facet of their tour, the vacationing Hartford family confirmed Friday that they were almost getting tired of all the unforgettable memories they had made while aboard a five-night Royal Caribbean Cruise. Obviously, I'm...Read more...
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Exhausted Man Just Going To Roll Over And Pretend He Didn’t See Horse Head In Bed For 5 More Minutes
on (#6GETP)
LOS ANGELES-Mumbling It's way too early for this" under his breath, local man Ron Myers confirmed Friday that he was just going to roll over and pretend he didn't see the horse head in his bed for five more minutes. Nope," said Myers, who took one look at the severed head of the prized racehorse bloodying his...Read more...
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on (#6GETQ)
WASHINGTON-With survey respondents saying any low-tech method of finding a partner was better than looking online, a new study by the Pew Research Center found Friday that most young Americans were eschewing dating apps in favor of government-run breeding camps. I've tried using dating apps before, but honestly, I'd...Read more...
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on (#6GEDQ)
With relations between the two nations strained, President Joe Biden met with Chinese president Xi Jinping Wednesday in San Francisco in an attempt to mend bridges, with Xi stating that the planet is big enough" for both superpowers. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6GEAX)
LOS ANGELES-In response to the departure of longtime cast member Bobby Berk, producers for the television show Queer Eye told reporters Thursday they were struggling to find a replacement who was both white and gay. It's such a specific requirement-being not only white, but also gay-that we quite frankly don't know...Read more...
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on (#6GEAK)
ELMHURST, IL-Seeing her Aunt Nance's number appear for the third time since Halloween, local niece Liz Kaminsky, 37, reported Thursday that her father's sister had been calling every week leading up to the upcoming holiday to make sure there will be vodka. Hi, hon, just wanted to make sure you're going to have my...Read more...
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on (#6GEAM)
NASHVILLE, TN-In the latest relationship development that fans of the power couple called adorable," sources confirmed Thursday that Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce's parents were dating. Andrea, Scott, Donna, and Ed are all absolutely smitten with each other," said an insider source, who confirmed that the two pairs...Read more...
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on (#6GE7J)
KANSAS CITY, MO-Noting that despite being old and tattered, the contraceptive was still his good luck charm, Kansas City Chiefs quarterback Patrick Mahomes admitted to reporters Thursday that he wore the same condom every time he had sex. I know it sounds superstitious, but I just can't fuck without it," said the...Read more...
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on (#6GDWS)
JACKSONVILLE, FL-With the standard curriculum of anatomy, biology, risks, and consent continually being challenged by parent groups, sources confirmed Thursday that the only sex education that remains in the United States is pressing one's ear against a shared wall to better hear the noises next door. Listening for...Read more...
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Panicked-Looking Guy Shifting Uncomfortably Outside Occupied Restroom Must Really Have To Masturbate
on (#6GDT5)
SANTA FE, NM-As the distressed and presumably very horny individual knocked frantically on the door, sources reported Thursday that panicked-looking local man Henry McDonald, who was seen shifting uncomfortably outside of an occupied public restroom, must really need to masturbate. Wow, from the way he's fidgeting, I...Read more...
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on (#6GDT6)
MEMPHIS, TN-Wiping the tears from his eyes with one hand and using his phone's front-facing camera to take a selfie with the other, local widower Randall Selway was reportedly sobbing at his wife's funeral Thursday while creating a profile on eHarmony. My sweet Judith, she's gone, gone forever!" cried Selway, who...Read more...
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on (#6GCZV)
Can you effectively communicate with the zoomers, or will they mock your pathetic attempt? Take our quiz to learn how well you know Gen Z slang.Read more...
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on (#6GCTZ)
The Marvels, the latest installment in the Marvel Cinematic Universe, bombed at its opening weekend in the box office, making less than half of what Ant-Man And The Wasp: Quantumania grossed earlier in the year and causing critics to question if MCU's 33 films are finally causing superhero fatigue" in audiences. What...Read more...
on (#6GBXR)
Sen. Joe Manchin, a moderate West Virginia Democrat, announced that he will not run for reelection next year, fueling speculation over whether he plans to mount a third-party White House bid and immediately complicating his party's chances of holding the Senate. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6GBDP)
LOS ANGELES-Following the conclusion of The Marvels, the latest film in the Marvel Cinematic Universe, a post-credits scene teases a much better film that all the actors could've been in if the MCU didn't exist. After the credits rolled, the screen opened on a mature, compelling drama that featured Brie Larson and...Read more...
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on (#6GBD5)
TALLAHASSEE, FL-In an effort to showcase his commitment to conservative voters, the Ron DeSantis campaign released a disturbing new ad Monday that revealed the candidate was wearing a rubber diaper to focus on campaigning. As your president, my priority will be you-not whatever's been brewing inside my diaper for the...Read more...
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on (#6GBD6)
The Simpson's co-creator James L. Brooks recently clarified that despite criticism about domestic violence, Homer would not stop choking his son. The Onion asked Americans why Homer should still be able to strangle Bart, and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#6GB1S)
Following a sexual abuse victim's lawsuit, the video chat platform Omegle, known for the tagline Talk to strangers," has ceased operation after 14 years of randomly pairing users for conversation. The Onion asked Omegle users what they thought about the site shutting down, and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#6GB1V)
LOS ANGELES-In an effort to reframe the conversation by ending the discussion altogether, advocates across the country encouraged the public on Monday to stop using any term at all to refer to homeless people. Given the widespread chronic issue of unhoused individuals, we recommend that people who want to discuss the...Read more...
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on (#6GB1W)
CHICAGO-Blasting the writer for clearly abandoning his artistic ideals in pursuit of commercial success, sources confirmed Monday that sellout poet Cullen Quinn Roberts had earned over $150 in 2023 alone. God, this hack is practically rolling in it after having his chapbook Anagram Arpeggio published by a small...Read more...
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on (#6GB1Y)
CHICAGO-Unable to tell the group of acquaintances how he really earns his living, Meta employee Alex Kondell reportedly stated Monday that he works as a guard in a private prison for disabled children. I actually left Meta forever ago-yeah, I'm much happier now, " said Kondell, who, too ashamed to admit he stills...Read more...
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on (#6G9G9)
Three giant pandas departed the Smithsonian National Zoo in Washington, D.C. back to China, an indication of colder ties between the two nations and marking the end of more than 50 years of Chinese pandas being housed at the zoo. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6G9GA)
LOS ANGELES-With the child of Hollywood royalty clinching the role through the sheer force of genetics, the trailer for the new Pixar animated feature Inside Out 2 revealed this week that Maya Hawke will be voicing a new character called Nepotism. We're so lucky to have Maya playing a character who is spunky,...Read more...
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on (#6G9GB)
NEW YORK-Shedding new light on the upcoming screen adaptation of the beloved Broadway show, Tina Fey told reporters Friday that the Mean Girls movie musical would be a silent film. I understand that many were confused by the lack of songs when the trailer dropped on Wednesday, and I want to clarify that there is no...Read more...
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on (#6G9DG)
WASHINGTON-Expressing concern that the Green Party candidate might serve as a spoiler in next year's presidential election, critics warned Friday that Jill Stein's entry into the race could harm Cornel West's chances of getting elected to the White House in 2024. Jill Stein and her supporters need to think very...Read more...
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on (#6G9DJ)
QUEENS, NY-Emerging from the darkness in a dramatic act of menace, New York Mayor Eric Adams was reportedly already sitting in a turnstile jumper's apartment Friday when she entered her living room and turned on the light. Ah, yes, I've been waiting for you, Stephanie. My apologies, did I make you jump?" said Adams,...Read more...
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on (#6G9A9)
President Donald Trump took the witness stand this week to defend himself in a civil fraud trial brought by the New York state attorney general's office. The Onion offers a blow-by-blow account and the biggest takeaways of Trump's civil fraud testimony.Read more...
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on (#6G94N)
According to recent polling for the 2024 election, Donald Trump holds an edge over Joe Biden in five key swing states. The Onion asked voters how they felt about Trump's lead, and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#6G92N)
AUSTIN, MN-Touting the product as an easy, delicious way to nourish a newborn, packaged meat processor Hormel Foods introduced a new chili formula Friday for mothers unable to produce their own chili. With Hormel's unique powdered chili formula, new mothers can ensure their baby gets all the essential beef, bean, and...Read more...
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on (#6G8J6)
UPPER ARLINGTON, OH-Struggling to let go of Nikki Haley's cruel words, Vivek Ramaswamy was reportedly lying in bed early Thursday morning staring up blankly at the ceiling as the words You're just scum, scum, scum, scum" echoed through his head. Ramaswamy is said to have turned onto his side and pressed a pillow over...Read more...
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on (#6G8B8)
WASHINGTON-Pushing through the measure in response to recent nationwide opinion polls, the U.S. House of Representatives voted Thursday to censure 66% of Americans for their antisemitic support of a ceasefire in Gaza. Today, this censure sends a clear message that our Congress will not tolerate the dangerous calls...Read more...
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on (#6G8B9)
COLUMBUS, OH-In a fiercely contested vote that had escalated tension among advocates on both sides of the issue, Ohio voters narrowly defeated a measure this week that would have required the government to detonate nuclear warheads throughout the state. What this outcome shows is that even in a highly polarized...Read more...
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on (#6G83Y)
EAST AURORA, NY-Describing the new product as a fun way to help infants and toddlers reach a key cognitive milestone, Fisher-Price released an updated toy smartphone Thursday that teaches children to screen all calls and assume they're coming from debt collectors. The latest iteration of our Laugh and Learn...Read more...
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on (#6G83Z)
A Hungarian study has found a direct association between celebrity worship and poorer performance on cognitive tests," with data showing high scores on the Celebrity Attitude Scale correlating with lower performance on the two cognitive ability tests. What do you think?Read more...