The Onion

BALTIMORE-Mutely observing as the lewd query was entered into the prompt, a pioneering female archaeologist featured in a Google Doodle bore silent witness to local man Daniel Thornstein's search for Zootopia porn, sources reported Friday. Harriet Boyd Hawes, an early 20th-century American archaeologist known for her groundbreaking work in Aegean antiquities, reportedly looked on wordlessly [...]The post Pioneering Female Archaeologist In Google Doodle Bears Silent Witness To Man's Search For Zootopia' Porn appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Trying to figure out if he had a third brother he forgot about or if Don Jr. had just lost some weight, President Donald Trump was reportedly struggling Friday to remember how he was related to Elon Musk. I know that if he's this high up in my organization this Elon guy must be related [...]The post Trump Struggling To Remember How He Related To Elon Musk appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Rebuking President Trump's decision to pardon Jan. 6 rioters, Sen. Mitch McConnell (R-KY) staunchly vowed this week to continue falling down stairs in the face of an apparent fascist takeover. I can no longer physically stand upright for a party that excuses a violent insurrection that targeted our Capitol," the 82-year-old lawmaker said as he [...]The post Mitch McConnell Vows To Continue Falling Down Stairs In Face Of Fascist Takeover appeared first on The Onion.

NEW YORK-Issuing a categorical denial of the accusations, NBC producers announced Thursday there was absolutely no usage of artificial intelligence in the new series Detective Fireman Lawyer Chicago Los Angeles Show. At NBC, we are passionate about storytelling, and the truth is that machine learning isn't capable of bringing tolife vibrant characters like Jim Jack [...]The post NBC Producers Deny Using AI In New Series Detective Fireman Lawyer Chicago Los Angeles Show' appeared first on The Onion.

The Sims, which has sold nearly 200 million copies, celebrates its 25th anniversary this February. In honor of the video game franchise, The Onion looks back at its key milestones. 1977: Will Wright gets a great idea for a video game while watching a family burn to death in their home. 1989: SimCity, the game's [...]The post The Sims' Turns 25 appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Claiming that the waterway will now be called the America Canal, President Donald Trump announced Thursday that the Panama Canal would be relocated to U.S. soil. Our beautiful system of channels and locks is finally coming home, folks!" said Trump in a Truth Social post before signing an executive order directing American personnel to airlift [...]The post Trump Announces U.S. Will Relocate Panama Canal To American Soil appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Whining that they were being discriminated against even though they were the bestest sons ever in the whole wide world," the Trump Boys attempted Thursday to convince their father that Barron was getting unfair advantages because he was a DEI. Daddy, Barron is ruining our lives because he's different," said a pouting Donald Jr., who [...]The post Jealous Trump Boys Try To Convince Father That Barron A DEI appeared first on The Onion.

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WASHINGTON-Fulfilling a campaign promise made by President Donald Trump, the U.S. Department of the Interior announced Wednesday that it was enacting a ban on unlikely animal friendships, effective immediately. Starting today, any animal found frolicking or snuggling with an animal of another species-for example, a chimp cuddling a puppy or a magpie preening a pig-is [...]The post Department Of Interior Bans Unlikely Animal Friendships appeared first on The Onion.

According to a new study, cognitively normal human brain samples collected at autopsy in early 2024 contained more tiny shards of plastic than samples collected eight years prior, with the average containing the equivalent of an entire standard plastic spoon. What do you think?The post Study Finds Human Brain Contains Entire Spoon's Worth Of Nanoplastics appeared first on The Onion.

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CLEARWATER, FL-Urging the middle school class to pay attention while he described the intimate process of revving the engine, throttling the clutch, and slamming the accelerator, local sex ed teacher Greg Flannery demonstrated to his class Wednesday how to drive a truck into an abortion clinic. All right, kids, this might not make sense to [...]The post Sex Ed Teacher Demonstrates How To Drive Truck Into Abortion Clinic appeared first on The Onion.

President Donald Trump said that Americans could feel some pain" from the emerging trade war triggered by his tariffs against Canada, Mexico, and China, with economists warning the duties on imports will likely reignite inflation. What do you think?The post Trump Says Americans Could Feel Some Pain' From Tariffs appeared first on The Onion.

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NORTH HEMPSTEAD, NY-Expressing relief after witnessing her become more confident and outgoing, sources confirmed Tuesday that a new preschool was really doing wonders for local mother Ellen Cline's social skills. Ever since preschool started back up after the holidays, Ellen is having fewer outbursts and is generally much happier," said Cline's aunt, Stacy French, noting [...]The post New Preschool Doing Wonders For Mother's Social Skills appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Complaining that all the extra income would likely bump him up to a higher bracket, President Donald Trump told reporters Tuesday he was worried that the day he spent working at McDonald's while on the campaign trail would screw up his taxes. Last year, my taxes were perfect, but this 1099 is going to send [...]The post Trump Worried Day Working At McDonald's Will Screw Up Taxes appeared first on The Onion.

CHICAGO-Saying he ought to try standing up for himself every once and a while, sources reported Tuesday that local weak-will man Danny Reese did whatever the Cook County Circuit Court ordered him to do. The judge tells him to stay 500 feet away from this place, stay 500 feet away from that place-and this pushover [...]The post Weak-Willed Man Does Whatever Court Orders Him To appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-In an effort to patch things up in their relationship, billionaireJeffBezosreportedly changed TheWashingtonPostssloganto LoveYou,Babe" Tuesdayaftergettingintoafightwith his fiancee, LaurenSanchez. As of now, these words of affection are emblazoned on The Posts homepage and on all copies of the newspaper, and they will remain there until the two of them make up," said executive editor Matt Murray, [...]The post Jeff Bezos Changes Washington Post's Slogan To Love You, Babe' After Getting Into Fight With Lauren Sanchez appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-In an effort to assuage any fears over the constitutionality of the Trump administration's flurry of executive actions, a D.C.-area think tank called The Himmler Institute reportedly assured the nation Monday that this is all perfectly legal. We've studied the total legality of far-reaching executive actions for decades, and we can guarantee that everything happening [...]The post Think Tank Called The Himmler Institute' Assures Nation This All Legal appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Saying he was just more deadweight hampering the executive branch's ability to function efficiently, Elon Musk confirmed Monday that he had offered himself $10 billion to resign from his position as head of President Trump's Department of Government Efficiency. Like many other federal employees, I too have been presented with a buyout option as part [...]The post Elon Musk Offers Self $10 Billion Federal Buyout appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Rushing to purchase the hoofed mammals before the Trump administration's tariffs on Canadian imports went into effect, Americans across the country were reportedly stockpiling moose on Monday. Prices of moose are already high, and I'm worried with these tariffs, they could surge even higher," said 43-year-old Iowa City, IA resident Zachary Beattie, who was just [...]The post Americans Start Stockpiling Moose Ahead Of Tariffs appeared first on The Onion.

CHICAGO-Vehemently refuting the suggestion she was contributing to the displacement of the neighborhood's current residents, local woman Ellen Fuller told reporters Monday that technically she was gentrifying the land of the Potawatomi people. You say this was a historically marginalized neighborhood, which is strange, because all I see is indigenous land," said the 30-year-old asset [...]The post Technically Woman Gentrifying Land Of Potawatomi People appeared first on The Onion.

BOSTON-In an effort to avoid squandering any of the precious little time he had left, terminally ill man Sebastian Davies confirmed Monday that he was spending the entirety of his three remaining months of life reading up on how cool ninjas were. I don't want to leave this world with any regrets, so I'm packing [...]The post Man Given 3 Months To Live Spends All Of It Reading Up On How Cool Ninjas Were appeared first on The Onion.

The Colorado Supreme Court unanimously ruled that five elderly elephants don't have legal standing to sue to leave a local zoo because they're not human. What do you think?The post Court Rules Elephants Can't Sue To Leave Zoo appeared first on The Onion.

ALCOBENDAS, SPAIN-Responding to backlash after the resurfacing of a 2024 film in which she appeared, Karla Sofia Gascon issued an apology Friday for her participation in the movie musical Emilia Perez. I understand now that I should never have made this terrible film, and for that I'm sorry," said the Academy Award-nominated actress, who asked [...]The post Karla Sofia Gascon Apologizes After Emilia Perez' Resurfaces appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Pledging to restore racial purity to the nation's aviation programs, President Donald Trump assured the families of American Eagle Flight 5342 victims on Friday that he was doing everything possible to resegregate flight schools. You have my promise that I'm working around the clock to make sure our beautiful Caucasian pilots-who are just trying to [...]The post Trump To Victims' Families: I'm Doing Everything Possible To Resegregate Flight Schools' appeared first on The Onion.

Despite CDC recommendations that everyone get their shot by the end of October, less than half of American adults receive flu vaccines, with many refraining due to misinformation they encounter online. The Onion breaks down common myths about immunizations and how they really affect the body. MYTH: The flu shot is free. FACT: While the [...]The post Flu Vaccines: Myth Vs. Fact appeared first on The Onion.

SCOTTSDALE, AZ-Sources marveled at the single-mindedness and robotic efficiency with which area man Maxwell DiLuzio raised and lowered his pastry-laden fork Thursday, reporting that nothing could deter the 68-year-old as he forged ahead in his pursuit of numbness with a third slice of pie.I can still hear that voice in my head telling me to [...]The post Area Man Forges Ahead In Pursuit Of Numbness With Third Slice Of Pie appeared first on The Onion.

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WASHINGTON-Hopelessly captivated by the animal's cheerful energy and striking appearance, the U.S. populace reportedly converged upon a D.C.-area park Tuesday where sources confirmed that all 340 million Americans were vying for the approval of a cool dog. Several reports indicated the charismatic, carefree border collie, named Scout, was first spotted dashing across Georgetown Waterfront Park, [...]The post Nation Vies ForApproval Of Cool Dog appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Saying it was only by divine intervention that he was still standing, President Donald Trump stated during a press briefing Thursday that God had spared his life during last night's midair collision of an Army helicopter and a passenger jet over the Potomac River. Without the beautiful hand of God guiding that airplane away from [...]The post Trump Claims God Spared Him In Airplane Crash appeared first on The Onion.

NEW YORK-In a desperate attempt to revive their floundering brand amid declining revenues, WeightWatchers officials announced Thursday that butter was now worth zero points. Joining the likes of cauliflower, plain Greek yogurt, and air-popped popcorn, butter will now be a WeightWatchers ZeroPoint food, so go ahead and eat-or drink-as much as you like," said interim [...]The post Cash-Strapped WeightWatchers Announces Butter Now Zero Points appeared first on The Onion.

Well, I hope you're proud of yourself, Rich. Our team trusted you with the privilege of proving yourself on Trivia Hell Night. But after last night's demeaning spectacle, I doubt we can ever go back to Sharlene's Bar without recalling the deep humiliation you brought upon us all. After tanking a Star Trek round with [...]The post When We Invited You To Join Our Trivia Team, It Was With The Understanding That You Knew Star Trek' appeared first on The Onion.

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LOS ANGELES-Confirming the rumors around the popular franchise were true, executive producers confirmed Monday they had cast Almond Winfrey-Springsteen in Unfrosted 3. We are so excited to be a part of Almond's acting debut," said the film's producers in a statement, who lauded the 20-year-old former runway model, New York University dropout, and restaurant entrepreneur's [...]The post Almond Winfrey-Springsteen Cast In Unfrosted 3' appeared first on The Onion.

A very rare and very stinky plant, known commonly as the corpse flower, drew long lines at the Brooklyn Botanic Garden as locals sought to get a whiff, with the bloom occurring for the first time since it arrived in 2018 and only lasting a few days before it collapses. What do you think?The post Visitors Flock To Sniff Flower That Smells Like Rotting Corpse appeared first on The Onion.

In these scary and uncertain times, community is more important than ever. And nothing brings a community together like a good old-fashioned chili cook-off! Whether you're rich or poor, liberal or conservative, in perfect health or permanently disabled from the multiple gunshot wounds that nearly took your life, everybody can put their differences aside to [...]The post No Matter How Many Chili Cook-Offs I Win, Everyone Still Sees Me As That School Shooter's Mom' appeared first on The Onion.

MONTGOMERY, AL-Calling it a revolutionary way" to experience the full wrath of the carceral state, the Alabama Department of Corrections unveiled Friday a new Death Row Fast Pass that allows convicts to skip the line for executions.With the amazing Death Row Fast Pass, inmates can zoom past all those condemned individuals in front of them [...]The post New Death Row Fast Pass Allows Convicts To Skip Execution Line appeared first on The Onion.

SAVANNAH, GA-Having had no direct interaction with the man at any time during the process, local event planner Anna Callaway made it through one and a half years of preparations for a couple's wedding without ever acknowledging the groom's existence, sources confirmed Saturday.According to reports, Callaway never once made reference to a second person being [...]The post Wedding Planner Makes It Through Entire 1.5-Year Process Without Acknowledging Groom appeared first on The Onion.

ATLANTA-In a harrowing fulfillment of biblical prophecy that left customers screaming as their fast food orders disappeared before their eyes, panicked sources reported Tuesday that every Chick-fil-A store had been raptured. The massive heavenly event began at 12:02 p.m. EST when a large burst of God's divine light shot down from the clouds and slowly [...]The post Chick-Fil-A Raptured appeared first on The Onion.

Hundreds of thousands of Palestinians streamed into Gaza's most heavily destroyed area after Israel opened the north for the first time since the early weeks of the war with Hamas, a dramatic reversal of their exodus 15 months ago. What do you think?The post Palestinians Return To Devastated Northern Gaza appeared first on The Onion.

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LOS ANGELES-Confirming he had become almost unrecognizable to friends and family, wrestler-turned-actor John Cena opened up Tuesday about slimming down for a new role in which he would portray a human man.I knew I had to take drastic measures if I wanted to convincingly pass for a human man on screen," said a now 5-foot-9, [...]The post John Cena Slims Down For New Role Portraying Human Man appeared first on The Onion.