The Onion

CLEVELAND-Revealing a vast, forgotten catalog of legitimate pop compositions, a report released Thursday about novelty musical act Michael Joseph Jackson found that the man who recorded the perennial Halloween classic Thriller" also had a bunch of non-Halloween music. Jackson is, of course, exclusively known for his haunted hit Thriller' and singing spooky lyrics like No [...]The post Report: Guy Who Sings Thriller' Has Bunch Of Non-Halloween Music, Too appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Praising the process as yet another miracle of biology that modern medicine chooses to ignore, a gray-lipped Robert F. Kennedy Jr. spoke at a press conference Wednesday during which he touted the body's natural ability to transmute lead into gold. The human body is able to do some incredible things if you consume enough lead," [...]The post Gray-Lipped RFK Jr. Touts Body's Natural Ability To Transmute Lead Into Gold appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-In an effort to manage the American people's expectations, officials at the National Association for Business Economics announced Wednesday that they hoped your heart wasn't set on a house. We're not saying it's impossible-we're just saying you might want to consider keeping your options open," said Jeffrey Birney, an economics professor at Georgetown University, who [...]The post Economists: Hope Your Heart Wasn't Set On A House appeared first on The Onion.

AUSTIN, TX-Noting that he'd already claimed to be sick, at a dentist appointment, and tied up with an unexpected 9 p.m. football practice, University of Texas quarterback Arch Manning confirmed Tuesday that he was quickly running out of polite, semi-plausible excuses to avoid mentorship from his uncle Eli. He means well, and I don't want [...]The post Arch Manning Running Out Of Polite Ways To Decline Eli's Mentorship appeared first on The Onion.

SAN BRUNO, CA-Expressing surprise and delight at the notion that gals could also shred, dozens of YouTube users who stumbled upon the Mousers' cover of Bikini Kill's Rebel Girl" revealed Wednesday that they were astounded to learn chicks were able to rock too. Wow, it turns out that ladies can play some pretty heavy riffs," [...]The post YouTube Comment Section Astounded To Learn Chicks Can Rock Too appeared first on The Onion.

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1 FROWNIN' AT NIGHT THE WEEKEND 2 EMBERS OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT TAYLOR SWIFT 3 PORK ME WITH YOUR CHODE SABRINA CARPENTER 4 RATTLING CHAINS AND SCREANS (9-HOUR VERSION) HALLOWEEN SOUNDS 5 SUSHI IS TOO EXPENSIVE RAGE AGAINST THE MACHINE 6 I SPENT ALL MY MONEY ON VIDEO GAMES BEYONCE 7 DARK RISE OF THE [...]The post The Onion's Top Songs: October 2025 appeared first on The Onion.

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WASHINGTON-Claiming that the sacred ash tree had outlived its usefulness and needed to be updated, President Donald Trump made remarks Monday defending his demolition of Yggdrasil, the ancient tree of life. Yggdrasil was becoming a total eyesore and its roots could barely be used to travel from the well Urarbrunnr to the spring Hvergelmir," said [...]The post Trump Defends Demolition Of Yggdrasil, Ancient Tree Of Life appeared first on The Onion.

Another season of Nobody Wants This dropped on Netflix, marking a new chapter in the love story between a sex-positive podcaster and a rabbi in Los Angeles. Here is everything we know about season two of the breakout rom-com series. Kristen Bell prepared for the role by spending six months learning how to eat a [...]The post Everything We Know About Nobody Wants This' Season 2 appeared first on The Onion.

SEATTLE-After guiding her client through a grueling 12-hour natural home birth, local doula Raquel Parker reportedly asked mother Melanie Kendrick on Monday if she could keep the baby. Oooh, you guys mind if I take this?" said Parker, adding that she would throw in a 10% discount on her birthing coach services if Kendrick and [...]The post Doula Asks To Keep Baby appeared first on The Onion.

THE HEAVENS-Expressing confusion over the primate's classification as an endangered species on the planet, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, announced Monday that He could have sworn He put more gorillas down there. How are there fewer than 6,000 of the eastern lowland ones left when I swear I made Earth, like, half gorillas?" the [...]The post God Could Have Sworn He Put More Gorillas Down There appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Acknowledging that he was impressed by the foreign leader's ability to compromise on all kinds of fixtures, President Donald Trump announced Friday that he had participated in a productive call with Russian President Vladimir Putin about ballroom sconces. We spoke for several hours and made great progress in negotiating whether I should go with a [...]The post Trump Touts Productive Call With Putin About Ballroom Sconces appeared first on The Onion.

NEW YORK-Attempting to broach the sensitive subject as delicately as possible, Taylor Swift's wedding planner reportedly asked the artist Friday if she had ever considered dance lessons. They're completely optional, of course, but a lot of brides find them quite helpful," said event organizer Riley Hirsh, who spoke in a soft voice as she assured [...]The post Wedding Planner Gingerly Asks Taylor Swift If She's Considered Dance Lessons appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Occasionally pausing to rub his bleeding temple as he delivered the statement, visibly bruised Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth declared Friday that wobbly barstools were a threat to national security. Our enemies are attempting to destabilize the United States by planting those rickety deathtraps in our nation's restaurants, breweries, and watering holes, and now they [...]The post Visibly Bruised Pete Hegseth Declares Wobbly Barstools Threat To National Security appeared first on The Onion.

SAN DIEGO-Pausing mid-conversation to shore up any doubts regarding his ability to shoulder adult responsibilities, full-grown 37-year-old man Justin Landry reportedly defended his credibility Friday by clarifying that he paid his parents $50 a month for his portion of their Verizon phone plan. No, no, no-it would be crazy if I let them pay it [...]The post 37-Year-Old Still On Parents' Verizon Plan Saves Credibility By Clarifying He Pays Them $50 A Month appeared first on The Onion.

As the use of AI increases, data centers are popping up across the country. The Onion shares everything you need to know about the controversial facilities. Q: What do data centers need to run? A: Water, electricity, air conditioning, and other resources typically wasted on schools and hospitals. Q: Do data centers use a lot [...]The post What To Know About Data Centers appeared first on The Onion.

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LOS ANGELES-Declaring that some animals simply got the goods" and you know it when you see it," officials at a local animal shelter confirmed Thursday that a newly acquired rescue dog lacked the X factor required to be adopted. We're looking for a little razzle-dazzle, and all we got is this total dud cowering in [...]The post Shelter Dog Just Doesn't Have That X Factor appeared first on The Onion.

FORT WORTH, TX-Catching his breath and wiping the sweat from his brow after he realized it was all just a bad dream, Texas National Guard member Jason Ringgold reportedly woke up screaming at 3 a.m. Thursday after having a nightmare about Americans peacefully going about their daily lives. Oh God, they were carrying groceries and [...]The post National Guardsman Awakes Screaming From Nightmare About Americans Going About Daily Lives appeared first on The Onion.

A new five-part docuseries on Apple TV examines the life and career of iconic filmmaker Martin Scorsese. Here are the biggest and most shocking revelations from Mr. Scorsese: Was often bedridden as a child due to a debilitating spaghetti allergy Prefers the more casual Marty" on set and fires anyone who disobeys Doesn't know how [...]The post Biggest Revelations From Mr. Scorsese' appeared first on The Onion.

CHICOPEE, MA-Saying that she couldn't recall a time of familial peace since the early '90s, area woman Melissa Maynard confirmed Wednesday that her parents were actively feuding with at least one aunt at all times. If they're not fighting with Aunt Linda, then they're definitely badmouthing Aunt Michelle," said Maynard, explaining that the most recent [...]The post Parents Feuding With At Least One Aunt At All Times appeared first on The Onion.

CHICAGO-Revealing a highly calibrated system that he has fine-tuned over a lifetime of trial and error, local man Ken Stafford told reporters Wednesday that he has a favorite hot dog place for every level of sobriety. Richie's is completely disgusting garbage unless you're absolutely hammered, then it's, like, the best fucking spot in the world," [...]The post Man Has Favorite Hot Dog Place For Every Level Of Sobriety appeared first on The Onion.

NEW HAVEN, CT-Shedding light on the animal's compassionate nature and pop-culture savvy, a study published Wednesday in the journalBehavioral Ecology And Sociobiologyfound that elephants mourn the cancellation of their favorite TV shows. The research we conducted over the course of many years in Botswana confirmed that elephants experience a period of deep sorrow when Hollywood [...]The post New Study Finds Elephants Mourn Cancellation Of Favorite TV Shows appeared first on The Onion.

MILWAUKEE-Staring down in utter terror at his suddenly oversized pajamas, Milwaukee Bucks power forward Giannis Antetokounmpo reportedly panicked Wednesday after waking up 3-foot-2. Oh, no, this is bad-this is really, really bad," the nine-time NBA all-star said as he jumped up and down to glimpse his diminutive form in a mirror, wondering aloud in a [...]The post Giannis Antetokounmpo Panicking After Waking Up 3-Foot-2 appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-In what they described as a disappointing turn in the ongoing negotiations, White House officials confirmed Wednesday that diplomatic talks had broken down between President Donald Trump and a motion-activated ghost decoration. The president has done everything he can to find common ground with our historic ally, but the animatronic apparition refuses to cooperate," said [...]The post Diplomatic Talks Break Down Between Trump, Motion-Activated Ghost Decoration appeared first on The Onion.

As Immigration and Customs Enforcement seeks to increase its presence across the country, the agency is actively recruiting new agents to carry out the Trump administration's mass deportation campaign. The Onion breaks down how to join ICE. STEP 1 Be born with something just...missing STEP 2 Try deporting a few neighbors without the constitutional authority [...]The post How To Join ICE appeared first on The Onion.

MONTECITO, CA-Signaling a new chapter in her career, pop star Katy Perry released a new single Monday about the superiority of Canadian manufacturing. When I learned about the strength of Canadian automotive and aerospace manufacturing, I knew I had to put it in a song," Perry said in an Instagram post accompanying a preview of [...]The post Katy Perry Releases New Single About Superiority Of Canadian Manufacturing appeared first on The Onion.

ATLANTA-Saying the novelty decoration would add the perfect touch to Halloween yard displays, the Home Depot announced Friday it had begun selling a new 12-foot-tall Willem Dafoe in stores nationwide.October just got a whole lot spookier with our exclusive oversized Willem Dafoe ornament!" read the product's promotional copy, which emphasized that the massive, high-density polyethylene [...]The post Home Depot Introduces New 12-Foot-Tall Willem Dafoe appeared first on The Onion.

SPENCER, TN-Frustrated at breaking a three-week streak of alcohol abstinence, a white-tailed deer expressed annoyance Monday upon realizing he could not complete his goal of a Sober October because the apple he had just eaten was fermented. Oh goddammit, I knew it smelled too good to be nonalcoholic," said the visibly irritated 3-year-old buck, who [...]The post Sober October Ends As Deer Realizes Apple He Just Ate Fermented appeared first on The Onion.

KANSAS CITY, MO-Insisting it would help the six-time Pro Bowler recover from the aches and pains of the grueling NFL season, Chiefs head coach Andy Reid reportedly urged star defensive tackle Chris Jones on Wednesday to soak in a piping-hot tub filled with chopped carrots, onions, celery, and bay leaves. Hop on in, big guy-I've [...]The post Andy Reid Urges Chris Jones To Soak In Hot Tub Filled With Chopped Vegetables appeared first on The Onion.

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NEW YORK-Expressing gratitude for the opportunity to correct the record against his opponents, current New York City mayor and former candidate for reelection Eric Adams reportedly said Thank you for that question" Thursday to a group of rats he had captured and forced to act out a private debate in his Gracie Mansion bedroom. It's [...]The post Thank You For That Question,' Responds Eric Adams To Swarm Of Rats He Forced To Act Out Debate appeared first on The Onion.

NEW YORK-Casting doubt on the mayoral candidate's ability to effectively carry out the duties of the office, critics assailed New York State Rep. Zohran Mamdani Friday for refusing to share his plan to make the rich richer. Despite repeated calls to release his four-year plan for growing the coffers of our city's wealthy elite, Mamdani [...]The post Zohran Mamdani Refuses To Share Plan For Making Rich Richer appeared first on The Onion.

STANFORD, CA-Shedding new light on the rare trait's origins, researchers at the Stanford School of Medicine announced Friday that they had successfully identified the gene responsible for giving individuals the ability to visualize a murder when they touch a missing person's sweater. Through extensive DNA analysis, we have finally isolated the sequence of base pairs [...]The post Researchers Identify Gene Responsible For Visualizing Murder After Touching Missing Person's Sweater appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Describing the secretary of homeland security's cameo on the reality show as highly unnerving," viewers reported Friday that Kristi Noem can be seen looming in the background of an entire episode of TLC's90 Day Fiance. Fans of the show confirmed the 53-year-old former governor of South Dakota is visible throughout season 11, episode16, which is [...]The post Kristi Noem Looms In Background During Entire Episode Of 90 Day Fiance' appeared first on The Onion.

Services such as Klarna, Affirm, and AfterPay, which offer users buy now, pay later" financing, have surged in popularity among U.S. consumers. The Onion examines the pros and cons of using BNPL loans. PRO Ideal for shoppers seeking a less traditional debt trap Bills are every month, but this girls trip is once in a [...]The post Pros And Cons Of Using Buy Now, Pay Later' appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-In remarks delivered to the White House press corps, the U.S. Secretary of the Macabre unveiled a new departmental initiative Friday that aims to fill the nation's empty eye sockets with federally funded maggots. Making use of $50 million allocated by Congress under the Befouling of Our Remains Act, the Department of the Macabre will [...]The post Secretary Of The Macabre Unveils Initiative To Fill Nation's Empty Eye Sockets With Maggots appeared first on The Onion.

ARLINGTON, VA-Whistling and cheerfully pumping his arms as he strolled through the corridors of the U.S. military's headquarters, Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth reportedly walked fully nude Friday around the newly press-free Pentagon. Come on, everybody, don't be shy!" said Hegseth, who yelled to be heard over the SiriusXM classic rock station blasting from his [...]The post Pete Hegseth Walks Fully Nude Around Newly Press-Free Pentagon appeared first on The Onion.