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on (#6FKZW)
WASHINGTON-Noting that there were still so many lives to be lost, so much pain to be inflicted, and so much blood to be shed, a new report published Monday by researchers at American University found that when there could be an all-out war, a diplomatic solution sounded pretty fucking lame. According to our study, in...Read more...
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The Onion
| Link | https://theonion.com/ |
| Feed | https://www.theonion.com/rss |
| Updated | 2024-11-23 04:01 |
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on (#6FKP2)
NEW YORK-Exclaiming with delight when the revelation arrived 30 minutes into their dinner together, local woman Sophia Davis is said to have grown genuinely fascinated Monday after her date mentioned that he was one-eighth Puerto Rican. Oh, wow, really? That's so interesting-that must have colored your...Read more...
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on (#6FKP3)
PARSIPPANY, NJ-Offering customers a fast and easy way to poison their loved ones, packaged-food brand Green Giant introduced new frozen death cap mushrooms Monday for convenient weeknight murders. Whether it's a crime of passion or you're simply trying to off your husband so you can embark on a exciting new life with...Read more...
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on (#6FJ3N)
LOS ANGELES-Sharing the exciting personal development with new maternity photos, actor and talk show host Jada Pinkett Smith announced Friday she was pregnant with actor and comedian Chris Rock's baby. Chris and I are so overjoyed to be welcoming a new bundle of joy into this world, as we've been trying for a long...Read more...
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on (#6FHSN)
The past week has shown humanity at its worst: A horrific terrorist attack left at least 1,300 Israelis dead, among them peace activists and even innocent children. The fates of many more kidnapped civilians still lie in the balance. Meanwhile, statements from Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu suggest retaliation...Read more...
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on (#6FHNS)
WASHINGTON-Pushing back a black hood to reveal reddened, glowing eyes, Sen. Ron Darkness appeared on CNN Friday to try to garner support for a 1,000-year reign of blood. In times of great tragedy, we as Americans must do all we can to enact many millennia of death and suffering," the independent lawmaker from Hades...Read more...
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on (#6FHNT)
With their large populations of unhoused people, minorities, and gays, liberal enclaves like New York and San Francisco have never been more dangerous to real, red-blooded Americans. The Onion asked conservatives to explain how they survive in the hellholes that are woke cities, and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#6FHNW)
QUINCY, MA-Issuing its annual safety recommendations for preventing fire-related injury, the National Fire Protection Association released an updated report Thursday confirming that sitting down in a barrel of water remains the best way to put out a fire on one's ass. By far, the most effective method for...Read more...
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on (#6FGPK)
Although they are known to be the most virile, physically attractive men on the planet, many Joe Rogan fans still find themselves painfully single. The Onion asked women why they don't date people who listen to The Joe Rogan Experience, and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#6FGPM)
A Minnesota horticulture teacher set a world record for the heaviest pumpkin after growing a giant jack-o'-lantern gourd weighing 2,749 pounds. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6FGPS)
VALDOSTA, GA-In a move that caused several family members to stare with their jaws agape, household sources confirmed Thursday that sweaty, menopausal mother Lisa Kessler straight up took her shirt off during dinner. I know her body is changing, but wow, I did not expect her to take off her shirt, toss it into the...Read more...
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on (#6FG3A)
Arkansas governor Sarah Huckabee Sanders is facing criticism after a public records request revealed that her office bought a lectern for $19,000, and a whistleblower accused them of altering records to cover up the spending. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6FFZK)
CULVER CITY, CA-Showing off their creativity and lack of parenting skills, TikTok users across the globe were reportedly participating in a new trend Thursday to see how fast they could get their kids taken away by child protective services. Basically, my entire TikTok feed right now is children getting carted away...Read more...
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on (#6FFRS)
PORTSMOUTH, NH-Insisting that she simply wanted to make him feel welcome during his three-day stay, local mom Debra Solander reportedly gave her 37-year-old son a grand tour of the snacks in the pantry while he was home for the weekend. Let's see here, we've got unsalted pretzels, tortillas, those pita chips-but...Read more...
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on (#6FFRT)
TOYOTA, JAPAN-Noting that the colorful, shiny vehicles are far more toxic than they appear, Toyota officials announced Wednesday that the company has created a new bitter coating to prevent children from swallowing cars. Thanks to this state-of-the-art denatonium benzoate coating, children will be far more deterred...Read more...
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on (#6FFR5)
With the relationship between the pop star and all-pro tight end continuing to dominate the news cycle for some reason, The Onion asked Chiefs fans to name a single Taylor Swift song, and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#6FFP9)
NEW YORK-A new study published Wednesday by researchers at Columbia University found that charismatic Americans are experiencing a friendship epidemic. The data shows that captivating and social people have started acquiring an alarming number of friends and acquaintances-more than they know what to do with," said...Read more...
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on (#6FFR6)
WASHINGTON-Claiming to have acquired enough evidence to support the allegations, Pentagon officials held a press conference Wednesday to accuse China of being Chinese. After a years-long investigation, we now have corroboration from numerous witnesses that China is definitely Chinese," said Secretary of Defense Lloyd...Read more...
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on (#6FF5B)
NEW YORK-Claiming that the humanizing of occupied peoples is not what the newspaper stands for, The New York Times issued an apology Tuesday for reporting on Palestinian deaths. Our thoughtful and accurate coverage of the Palestinian death toll in no way met our editorial standards for obfuscation, and for that we...Read more...
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on (#6FF5C)
JERUSALEM-Noting that he had been feeling pretty down lately and this was just the pick-me-up he needed, Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu told reporters Tuesday that he didn't know about them, but the tragic attack that killed Israelis couldn't have come at a better time for him. Personally, while I can't speak for...Read more...
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on (#6FF2K)
Former president Donald Trump allegedly discussed potentially sensitive information about U.S. nuclear submarines with a Mar-a-Lago member, Australian billionaire Anthony Pratt, who then shared the information with former Australian PMs and journalists. What do you think?
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on (#6FEQB)
PORTLAND, OR-Charmed by how remarkably cruel everyone was, visiting friend Kaitlyn Hickman told reporters Tuesday that she was pleasantly surprised by Portland's open hostility toward homeless people. I was really concerned before coming here that people were going to try to extend aid to those without shelter, but...Read more...
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on (#6FEQC)
EVERYWHERE-As the influence of the nation's transgender individuals continues to encroach on the freedoms of the U.S. populace, sources confirmed Tuesday that increasingly powerful trans person Tori Randall is now capable of using every single bathroom in the country at once. Tori has become so trans that she can...Read more...
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on (#6FDXY)
CHICAGO-Speaking over the terminal's intercom in preparation for an evening flight to Boston, Delta Air Lines agent Sarah Epstein reportedly called Monday for all dipshit passengers to stand up and mill around in front of the gate before their turn to board. Anyone who is a fucking moron and can't understand simple...Read more...
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on (#6FDTW)
Many Republican presidential candidates and members of Congress have called for U.S. military intervention to stop the flow of fentanyl from Mexico. The Onion asked conservatives why the United States should invade Mexico, and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#6FDTY)
CHICAGO-In a move that remained controversial among residents of the surrounding neighborhood, Chicago city officials approved a building permit Monday that would allow the conversion of a publicly funded affordable housing tower into a single-family home. This 25-story single-family residence will address a dire...Read more...
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on (#6FDTX)
PORTER, IN-In a surprising pivot that sent shock waves through the environmental movement, climate justice activist Greta Thunberg told reporters Monday that she was embracing big oil after visiting a really nice highway truck stop in Indiana. If I had known you could buy a phone case, new sunglasses, an energy...Read more...
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on (#6FDTZ)
CAMBRIDGE, MA-Advancing a bold new theory that could revolutionize the way scientists think about the planet, researchers at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology announced Monday that the unexplored parts of the world's oceans probably contain more water. While we can't say with certainty what lay in those deep...Read more...
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on (#6FC6Y)
A plague of bedbugs has hit Paris and other French cities, provoking a wave of insectophobia and raising questions about health and safety during next year's Olympic Games. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6FC47)
WASHINGTON-Spreading the word ahead of time so that Americans wouldn't be caught off guard, President Joe Biden announced that all of the nation's vibrators would buzz at 2 p.m. today in a test of the Emergency Stimulation Program. This routine test of the ESP will be automatically directed to every consumer vibrator...Read more...
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on (#6FC12)
SEATTLE-Bemoaning the hubris that had led humanity to this pitiable state, researchers confirmed Thursday that overinvestment in alternative energy had plunged the earth into a sixth ice age. We knew all along that the rapid deployment of solar, geothermal, and wind energy would reduce global temperatures to...Read more...
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on (#6FBQN)
The rise of massive annual wildfires and hurricanes around the U.S. has shone a spotlight on whether certain areas of the country will be habitable in the future, a reality that would reshape America in many ways. The Onion looks at the effects of future climate change migration.Read more...
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on (#6FBP9)
Taylor Swift has a notoriously rich, famous, and glamorous group of friends most commonly referred to as her squad." The Onion asked current and former squad members what they thought of her new romance with football player Travis Kelce, and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#6FB8A)
The House voted to remove Kevin McCarthy as speaker, marking the first time in history that a speaker has been removed this way. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6FB8B)
WASHINGTON-Awarding him the position solely on the basis of his proven ability to torment his predecessor, the U.S. House of Representatives elected Kevin McCarthy's eighth-grade bully Todd Jenkins as its new speaker in a landslide vote Thursday. When you consider his impressive track record of putting Rep. McCarthy...Read more...
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on (#6FB8C)
WASHINGTON-Noting that there was no excuse for the first dog's most recent instance of bad behavior, the White House confirmed Thursday that Commander Biden had gnawed the Washington Monument down to a slobber-covered stub. We turn our backs for two minutes, and boom, we find Commander sitting there on the National...Read more...
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on (#6FB0R)
The recent death of Sen. Dianne Feinstein following a prolonged period of evident cognitive decline has put the spotlight on other public officials who may face similar issues, including Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell, former House Speaker Nancy Pelosi, and President Joe Biden. The Onion examines the pros and...Read more...
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Confusing Haunted Maze Fails To Explain Narratively Why Someone Would Jump Out From Corner Screaming
on (#6FAQX)
ERIE, CO-With its muddled storyline lacking the details necessary to justify the actions of its character, a local haunted maze failed to explain narratively why someone would jump out from around a corner screaming like that, sources reported Thursday. So we turn a corner and a man is running at us with a axe, but...Read more...
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on (#6FAP0)
LOS ANGELES-As he reflected upon various well-known allegations of his misconduct, Morbius star Jared Leto reportedly asked Thursday if he was ever going to get into real trouble for all the stuff he's been doing, saying he had just assumed his actions would have caught up with him by now. It seems like people know...Read more...
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on (#6FAP1)
While being graded like meat is nothing new for the famous, The Onion asked celebrities what they thought about their ratings on the foot fetish website Wikifeet, and this is what they said.Read more...
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