| Link | https://theonion.com/ |
| Feed | https://www.theonion.com/rss |
| Updated | 2025-09-19 02:33 |
 |
on (#6NBW6)
NEW YORK-Expressing his intention to spare no expense during his stay at New York-Presbyterian Hospital, wealthy patient Duncan Barrow reportedly ordered three of each procedure upon his admittance to the facility Friday. You know what, all of these surgical interventions you have look so good-I'll just take three...Read more...
|
 |
on (#6NBW7)
CHELMSFORD, ENGLAND-Interrupting his hushed narration about the inanimate bird's majesty as he observed it from a small boat, an embarrassed David Attenborough reportedly realized Friday that he had just spent the past 10 minutes describing the stillness of a duck decoy. The male mallard is a temperate...Read more...
|
 |
on (#6NBW8)
THE HEAVENS-Despite the deity swearing He had secured that piece of shit" properly, millions were confirmed dead Friday after God, Our Heavenly Father, accidentally dropped His air-conditioning unit out of heaven. Oh fuck, I don't know what happened-one minute I'm trying to prop up the AC, and the next it's hurdling...Read more...
|
 |
 |
on (#6NBA6)
MISSOULA, MT-Despite extensive evidence collected over the course of the evening, a study conducted Wednesday was officially deemed inconclusive after it failed to identify whose water glass belonged to whom. Experts claimed that despite rigorous inquiries into matters such as Whose is that?" and Is that mine?" the...Read more...
|
 |
on (#6NB6X)
BETHESDA, MD-Shedding new light on the dangers of rope tied into a hangman's knot, a study from the National Institutes of Health released Thursday found that the suicide rate was higher among noose owners. Some people may think they need a noose to defend their home from intruders, but the sad truth is that those...Read more...
|
 |
on (#6NB1D)
SHANGHAI-In an offer promoted heavily on banner ads across the internet, Chinese e-commerce platform Temu began selling Uyghur Muslims for $1.49 each this week. The special price available during this lightning deal will lower the barrier to Uyghur ownership for consumers everywhere," a Temu spokesperson told...Read more...
|
 |
on (#6NACN)
ARLINGTON HEIGHTS, IL-Describing the serene smile that spread across the 87-year-old's face, sources reported that local grandfather Murray Lowe's eyes lit up Wednesday as he recalled his halcyon days as a regular at his town's Old Country Buffet. There was a sparkle in his eyes as he talked of all the good times he...Read more...
|
 |
on (#6NA3T)
WAUKESHA, WI-Describing the release as a breathtaking glimpse of the four-piece working together at their very best, indie rock act Order of Magnitude's latest album was reportedly touted as their finest work yet" in a statement penned by bassist Karl Weber. After a period that marked the greatest turmoil the Order...Read more...
|
 |
on (#6NA3V)
HARRISBURG, PA-Stressing that they began researching their options before she was even born, local parents Jen and Greg Flannery told reporters Wednesday they devoted every second possible to getting their daughter into a good harem. It's a lot of work, but we know that getting her into the right brothel with the...Read more...
|
 |
on (#6NA3W)
This tiny house offers an economical alternative to larger, more expensive mausoleums that might be too much space for younger millennial corpses.Read more...
|
 |
 |
 |
on (#6N9HB)
INDIANAPOLIS-Saying he was deeply sorry about any pain his recent remarks about WNBA star Caitlin Clark might have caused, sports commentator Pat McAfee announced Tuesday that he would make a donation to a charity that helps white bitches. After pausing to reflect on the views I expressed on my ESPN show yesterday, I...Read more...
|
 |
on (#6N96R)
CHICAGO-Stewing in envy as it observed its adjacent neighbor, local big toe Stubs McPherson told reporters Tuesday that it would kill to be a slender, graceful second toe. She has no idea how good she has it," said McPherson, who claimed that no matter how many runs it went on or extra walks it squeezed into the day,...Read more...
|
 |
on (#6N96T)
WASHINGTON-Saying they couldn't remember exactly why they'd written off the talented, charismatic, and attractive celebrity, 340 million Americans confessed to reporters Tuesday that they had forgotten what it was they didn't like about the late O.J. Simpson. Huh, I always remember loving O.J., and I have no idea...Read more...
|
 |
on (#6N96S)
POCATELLO, ID-Still surging ahead at full speed after 48 hours without sleep, local man Henry Britto spoke quickly with reporters this week about how he was riding his manic episode straight to the fucking stars. Wooooooo! I'm gonna fly this shit all the way to the moon, baby!" said a visibly beaming Britto, his eyes...Read more...
|
 |
on (#6N8P2)
WASHINGTON-In an effort to respond to rising concerns about immigration, President Joe Biden signed an executive order Monday to deport all 340 million Americans and start the country over from scratch. Effective immediately, I am ordering the swift removal of all men, women, and children from American soil to...Read more...
|
 |
on (#6N8NM)
WASHINGTON-According to a new study from the Pew Research Center, only 1 in 3 Americans are able to name their elected representative's corporate donors. This is an alarming statistic that shows a profound lack of civic knowledge in this country," said study co-author Rania Hassan, who polled 30,000 U.S. citizens and...Read more...
|
 |
on (#6N8NN)
ATLANTA-Several years after ceasing donations to anti-LGBT organizations and taking steps to unravel the culture of homophobia rampant in its restaurants, Chick-fil-A joined fellow brands in celebrating Pride Month on Monday, admitting that it sometimes enjoyed prostate stimulation. While we can't go so far as to say...Read more...
|
 |
on (#6N8NP)
WASHINGTON-Saying threats were at record levels after the recent presidential election in Mexico, the Senate passed emergency border funding Monday to prevent female leadership from spreading to the United States. Given the very disturbing trend of empowerment and gender equality currently developing south of the...Read more...
|
 |
on (#6N8GE)
SAN DIEGO-Trying to get her children's attention as they played with their friends, a visibly frustrated local gorilla mother reportedly spent Monday constantly reminding her children to slouch. How many times do I have to tell you to stand crooked?" said mother of four April Grunt, tapping on her eldest's back to...Read more...
|
 |
on (#6N88C)
Nikki Haley recently came under fire for a photo that has surfaced from her trip to Israel in which she can be seen writing the words Finish them! AmericaRead more...
|
 |
on (#6N6XZ)
PLAINS, GA-On the heels of Donald Trump receiving guilty verdicts on 34 felony counts in New York, Jimmy Carter became the second president ever convicted of a crime Friday after a jury found he broke numerous laws while sticking up a Waffle House near his home in Georgia. Today's verdict shows that the rule of law...Read more...
|
 |
on (#6N6GF)
WASHINGTON-Whistling a spirited tune as he tackled his inbox Friday, Transportation Secretary Pete Buttigieg was seen taking a flattened possum from a pile of work and neatly filing the remains in a folder labeled Roadkill." There you go, right between pigeon and pronghorn antelope," said the secretary, who had...Read more...
|
 |
on (#6N6FR)
SAN FRANCISCO-In an effort to better cater to its target market, telehealth company Hims has reportedly begun selling bags of chips for depressed, impotent losers who are also hungry. Experiencing anxiety? ED? A rumble in your tummy? Hims can help," says a voiceover in the company's latest ad, which touts the...Read more...
|
 |
on (#6N654)
NEW YORK-In the wake of the landmark trial that made him the first person to both serve as president of the United States and be convicted of a felony, the entire nation reportedly shrugged Thursday after hearing about the 34 guilty charges for Donald J. Trump and then unpaused the most recent episode of MILF Manor....Read more...
|
 |
 |
on (#6N62E)
NEW YORK-Cornering the man in a darkened parking garage as he walked toward his car, the Trump boys reportedly attempted to bribe a juror deciding their father's hush money case Thursday with a briefcase full of Peanut Butter and Grape Jelly Uncrustables. All it takes is a simple nacho guilty' [sic] vote to walk...Read more...
|
 |
on (#6N620)
WASHINGTON-Casting blame on his wife for the controversial flag that flew outside his home, Supreme Court Justice Samuel Alito told reporters Thursday that he tried to take it down, but Martha-Ann Alito, 70, hit him, and she hits him every night." As soon as I saw it, I asked my wife to take it down, but she said,...Read more...
|
 |
 |
on (#6N5SE)
KERRVILLE, TX-Offering an added incentive in the hopes of enticing the young man to sign up for the military, U.S. Army recruiter Henry Tex" Teevens revealed during a job fair Thursday that he had a bound, gagged civilian that 18-year-old Milo Carnes could shoot right now if he enlisted. Yeah, buddy, I got one right...Read more...
|
 |
on (#6N5HM)
TULSA, OK-Emphasizing that both applause and audible cheering are mandatory, the artist rider in singer-songwriter Kyle Tatum's contract stipulates that local venue the Vanguard must provide the musician with all the validation he never got, according to a copy of the agreement viewed Thursday. In addition to a case...Read more...
|
 |
on (#6N55C)
WASHINGTON-As part of a new nationwide etiquette initiative, a dialect coach was reportedly hired Wednesday to class up the American public before its big date with a wealthy man. Enunciate! For God's sake, enunciate!" barked the elocution professional, who grew more and more incensed, rubbing his face with the...Read more...
|
 |
on (#6N4WH)
ROSEMONT, IL-Saying the product tasted bad despite having an appearance similar to vanilla pudding, the American Academy of Dermatology issued guidelines Wednesday in which it advised against taking a big bite of facial cream. We conducted a few tests and found that while skincare products may look velvety smooth and...Read more...
|
 |
on (#6N4WJ)
CHICAGO-Blaming platforms like TikTok and YouTube for the fad's proliferation, experts expressed their concern and bewilderment Wednesday over the last will and testament craze sweeping the nation's tween girls. They seem to not understand, or simply not care, that creating a last will and testament at their young...Read more...
|
 |
on (#6N45H)
Stumble inside and you will be fed daily for free. No heat. Bucket provided for waste. $950/mo.Read more...
|
 |
on (#6N42G)
WASHINGTON-Admitting with a sigh that they couldn't believe it was somehow time to go back to work already, downtrodden sources confirmed Tuesday that before they even knew it, Memorial Day weekend was over. The sources, who came from all ages, races, incomes, and genders, begrudgingly told reporters that although...Read more...
|
 |
on (#6N3ZX)
Chicago is hosting the 2024 Democratic National Convention in August. The Onion examines everything the city is doing ahead of the DNC.
|
 |
on (#6N3WZ)
INDIANAPOLIS-Saying there were powerful people out there who didn't want this information getting out, New York Jets quarterback Aaron Rodgers delivered a rant about Windows 11 tips and tricks on The Pat McAfee Show Tuesday after going down the wrong YouTube rabbit hole. I'm telling you, Pat, there's an elite...Read more...
|
 |
on (#6N3S7)
HACKENSACK, NJ-Shrugging her shoulders in a dismissive manner, local mom Dina Marchesi reported Tuesday that she had no memory of telling her daughter she looked like a streetwalker" right before her eighth-grade dance. Come on, that doesn't sound like me," said the woman who had just that morning snidely commented...Read more...
|
 |
on (#6N3S8)
HELENA, MT-In an effort to raise awareness of any and all potential catastrophes, your parents reportedly called Tuesday to make sure you thought of every possible thing that could go wrong in life. Hey there, sweetie, just checking in to see if you understand that everything in your life is teetering on the edge of...Read more...
|
 |
on (#6N36Z)
PROVIDENCE, RI-While visiting a hometown friend at Brown University, college sophomore Caleb Martin was reportedly shocked Monday to discover that other schools have traditions where they drink to excess. It's as if they stole the idea directly from our own lineage at Tufts, right down to the whole concept of...Read more...
|