| Link | https://theonion.com/ |
| Feed | https://www.theonion.com/rss |
| Updated | 2025-07-09 15:00 |
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on (#6KHS8)
COLUMBUS, OH-Saying the roster was absolutely stacked with nimble little guys, sources confirmed Friday that every player on Fosser University's Division III men's basketball team was 5 feet, 9 inches tall. Well, technically the center is 5-foot-9 and a half, and the shooting guard is 5-foot-8 and three quarters, but...Read more...
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on (#6KHS9)
SHEBOYGAN, WI-Cowering with visible terror as the demand reverberated from the dank, cavernous space, Ricker family sources confirmed Friday that a deep bellow of I'm hungry" had rolled out of their teenage son Caleb's animal-bone-filled den. Feed me! Put it in my mouth! More! More now!" the 15-year-old said in...Read more...
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on (#6KHSA)
NEW YORK-In a breakthrough finding that sheds light on the keen perceptive abilities of the age group, a Columbia University study published Friday revealed that vicious sixth-grade girls were able to detect a single drop of menstrual blood on an outfit from up to one mile away. Our research confirms the popular...Read more...
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on (#6KHRQ)
Like other sources of human happiness, gambling is a serious disease. If you do any of the following things, you could be addicted to sports betting.Read more...
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on (#6KHD8)
BEL AIR, CA-Marking a stark pivot in her career, Beyonce revealed the new cover Thursday for her forthcoming country album, which features the pop star toothless and hunched over, sharing a jar of moonshine with her pet possum, Angus. This iconic, generation-defining album cover proves Beyonce is taking this...Read more...
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on (#6KH51)
PALM BEACH, FL-With time running out for the former president to secure a bond to cover the penalty in his New York civil fraud case, Donald Trump was seen Thursday frantically digging holes around Mar-a-Lago in hopes of striking $454 million in oil. Look, all I'm asking for here is a little black gold to make that...Read more...
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on (#6KH52)
The Environmental Protection Agency has for the first time banned all uses of asbestos, which is linked to various forms of cancer but is still employed in some industrial processes. The Onion explores the pros and cons of banning the controversial material.Read more...
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on (#6KGSV)
Former President Trump currently faces 91 felony counts in courts from Georgia and Florida to New York and Washington, D.C. Test your knowledge of the current Republican presidential candidate's ongoing criminal and civil cases with this quiz.Read more...
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on (#6KGSW)
WASHINGTON-Warning the American public about the powerful stench, a watchdog report released this week confirmed that a weird smell was coming from Arizona. Several corroborated accounts from Sun Belt sources close to the state indicate there is a decidedly off smell emanating from Arizona," the report read in part,...Read more...
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on (#6KGSC)
NAPERVILLE, IL-Working quickly and efficiently after the roast beef sandwich he'd been eating unexpectedly began to leak juices from the back, local man Dave Brauer reportedly rushed to strategically hold his dripping food over other food Thursday. Oh shit, that's not good," said Brauer, who, with a mouth full of...Read more...
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Study: Millennial Women Forgoing Dating Apps In Favor Of Standing On Misty Jetty, Calling Out To Sea
on (#6KFV9)
KINGSTON, RI-In a new study of dating trends published Tuesday, researchers at the University of Rhode Island reported that many millennial women were beginning to forgo apps such as Tinder, Bumble, and Hinge in favor of standing on a misty jetty and calling out to sea. In our survey of single Americans, we found...Read more...
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on (#6KF97)
Presidential candidate Donald Trump recently remarked that if he loses the 2024 election it will be a bloodbath for the country." The Onion examines what he might have meant by the statement.Read more...
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on (#6KEZX)
WASHINGTON-Stressing that they finally had enough space and couldn't wait any longer, the nation's white women announced Tuesday that they had an insatiable urge to have chickens in the backyard. For the past few years, we've dreamed day-in and day-out of building cute little chicken coops and raising our own flock,...Read more...
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on (#6KE3K)
And the RNC is going to pay for it.Read more...
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on (#6KE3M)
CLEVELAND-Remarking that his family history was apparently far more complicated than he originally thought, Cleveland resident Nathan Yang received an unsettling Ancestry.com report Monday that said Genghis Khan descended from him. Huh, that's weird-this says that I'm closely related to the first khagan of the Mongol...Read more...
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on (#6KCJE)
VATICAN CITY-In an effort to make the church feel fresh and exciting again for youths around the world, the Roman Catholic Church announced Friday that it had added belief in a badass deity with a robotic falcon head to its existing dogmas. Starting today, the church will officially recognize our newest god,...Read more...
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on (#6KCHT)
WASHINGTON-Her mind spinning as she poured over the sheaf of papers, Vice President Kamala Harris reportedly discovered classified documents Friday revealing that she is an android created by the DNC. Wha-no, it can't be," said Harris, whose mouth hung open in shock, too horrified to scream after accidentally...Read more...
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on (#6KCAT)
Mystery continues to swirl around the Princess of Wales, who has remained out of the public eye since December. The following is a complete timeline of Kate Middleton's disappearance.Read more...
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on (#6KCAV)
President Joe Biden recently came under fire for a gaffe he made during his State of the Union speech when he referred to an undocumented immigrant as an illegal." The Onion presents the pros and cons of referring to immigrants with this incendiary and dehumanizing term.Read more...
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on (#6KC98)
KOHLER, WI-After the product reportedly tested well in focus groups throughout the United States, plumbing-fixture manufacturer Kohler unveiled a powerful new toilet Thursday that, according to marketing materials, is capable of flushing a handgun. We built our GlockSense smart toilet with enhanced features that...Read more...
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on (#6KC99)
The Jets quarterback has recently faced backlash for controversial remarks on the 9/11 terror attacks, Covid vaccines, and the Sandy Hook Elementary School shooting. The Onion asked football fans what they thought about Aaron Rodgers spreading conspiracy theories, and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#6KC6V)
PHILADELPHIA-In a new study published Friday in the latest issue of the International Journal Of Sexual Health, researchers found that among the human population, sexual satisfaction ranked highest among nerds covered in lipstick marks with their glasses askew. This phenomenon appears across the globe and in all...Read more...
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on (#6KB9V)
COLUMBUS, OH-Pleased to see his years of hard work had finally paid off, sources confirmed Wednesday that the owner of the shuttered hermit crab kiosk at the mall had probably retired to his own private tropical island. Good for him," said one of the sources, who smiled wistfully as they imagined the now fabulously...Read more...
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on (#6KB9Y)
ARLINGTON, VA-Lauding the grizzled figure who has a large scar running down his left cheek, Boeing has promoted a mysterious employee known only as The Panther," sources confirmed Thursday. The entire Boeing family would like to extend a big congratulations to The Panther, who has recently proven that his loyalty to...Read more...
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on (#6KB9Z)
FORT COLLINS, CO-Crediting the technique with helping countless clients, nutritionists recommended Thursday that Americans struggling to maintain a body weight try shaking their stomachs while yelling Stop being hungry!" Whether you're trying to cut down on added sugar or experimenting with intermittent fasting,...Read more...
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on (#6KBA0)
VIENNA-In an apparent attempt to persuade his customer that the additional fees would pay for itself in peace of mind, sources confirmed Thursday that local hitman Vincent Klein kept trying to upsell his client on dissolving the target's corpse in a vat of acid. It's, like, I get it for some things-definitely,...Read more...
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on (#6KAKH)
NEW YORK-Rolling up their sleeves to reveal an illustration of a whisk or a fried egg inked on each of their forearms, the nation's burly chefs announced plans Wednesday to completely cover their meaty hands in tattoos also. We, the nation's barrel-chested chefs, will continue to cover our plump little sausage...Read more...
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on (#6KAKJ)
ESCANABA, MI-Declining to help himself to the uneaten food on their plates, depressed father of three Matt Dunbar was not even touching the rest of his family's dinners, household sources reported Wednesday. Usually he just digs right in and finishes up the leftovers I'm about to put in the fridge, but tonight he was...Read more...
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on (#6KA97)
Do you lack empathy, attempt to control others, exhibit impulsive behavior, or lie about all those things to seem normal? Take our quiz to find out if you are a sociopath.Read more...
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on (#6KA98)
DES MOINES, IA-Noting that they already felt closer as a result of the exercise, employees of local company Alpa Solutions relied on their corporate team building skills Wednesday while disposing of their CEO's body. It was amazing from start to finish-we felt empowered to work together and go above and beyond as we...Read more...
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on (#6K9M8)
A digitally manipulated family photo, intending to show off the healthiness of the Princes of Wales after a recent abdominal surgery, caused an uproar, speculation, and conspiracy theories. The Onion asked celebrities to give photoshop advice to Kate Middleton, and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#6K9DF)
COLUMBUS, OH-In an effort to come clean about the storied history of the brand, White Castle released a statement Tuesday confirming its sliders were the result of centuries of inbreeding. Years of burgers procreating within the same bloodline have resulted in the square shape and diminished size of White Castle's...Read more...
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on (#6K9BA)
NEW YORK-While weighing the pros and cons of the flight as he planned his trip to visit family on the West Coast, local man Brett Danielewski, 32, reportedly expressed conflicting feelings Tuesday about a layover that would save him $39 but also require spending 7 months living in an Iowa City, IA suburb. On the one...Read more...
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on (#6K99N)
WASHINGTON-Noting that the late astronaut was actually quite disoriented after spending four days confined to the cramped Apollo 11 command module, a new report from NASA confirmed Tuesday that Neil Armstrong mistakenly believed he had discovered India after landing on the moon. While Neil Armstrong did in fact land...Read more...
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