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on (#6EFB5)
Georgia Republicans are furious after Fulton County District Attorney Fani Willis indicted former President Donald Trump for his attempts to overturn the 2020 election. The Onion asked conservatives why Willis deserves to be impeached, and this is what they said.Read more...
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The Onion
| Link | https://theonion.com/ |
| Feed | https://www.theonion.com/rss |
| Updated | 2024-11-23 04:01 |
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on (#6EEES)
WASHINGTON-Offering insight into what's currently happening in the field of science, the American Association for the Advancement of Science released a statement Monday confirming that everything science-wise was regular. As far as science is concerned, we're doing experiments and all the regular stuff," said AAAS...Read more...
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on (#6EEET)
Facing massive legal bills, former New York City Mayor Rudy Giuliani is selling his Manhattan apartment to avoid financial ruin. The Onion examines the highlights from the apartment listing.Read more...
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on (#6EECE)
NEW YORK-Saying the choice was entirely in your hands, a report released Monday found that you could quit your job right now and just play PlayStation 5 until you run out of money. At this very moment, you could walk out the front door of your office and go home to spend month after month playing God Of War: Ragnarok ...Read more...
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on (#6EECF)
A man in Nebraska was pulled over for driving down a highway in a compact car with a massive Watusi bull named Howdy Doody sitting in the passenger seat. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6EECG)
LOS ANGELES-Verifying reports that she shelled out more than $100 million for the private show, insiders confirmed Monday that Beyonce hired Mohammed bin Salman to perform at her recent birthday party in Bel Air, CA. Beyonce spared no expense in bringing her favorite artist, the crown prince of Saudi Arabia, to her...Read more...
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on (#6EECJ)
NEW YORK-In an effort to educate low-income residents on the most affordable treatment options available to them, NYU Langone Health rolled out a new program Monday aimed at teaching community members to ignore their symptoms. We want low-income and other marginalized people living in our community to have the skills...Read more...
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on (#6ECJH)
NEW YORK-In the wake of mounting legal troubles, including an indictment in Georgia on felony charges of tampering with the 2020 election, sources reported Friday that former New York Mayor Rudy Giuliani had put himself up for adoption. Little Rudy needs someone to take care of him, and he has so much love to give!"...Read more...
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on (#6ECJJ)
A Capitol physician has reportedly cleared Senate GOP leader Mitch McConnell to continue his schedule after he experienced an episode where he was unable to speak or move for the second time in as many months in public. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6EC77)
CINCINNATI-Admitting that he had an avoidant personality that often left him closed off to new possibilities, local man Stanley Fox reportedly stepped out of his comfort zone Friday by flashing his penis to diners at popular restaurant Harmon's Dinette. Certainly, I'm not the kind of guy who'd usually feel...Read more...
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on (#6EC78)
SAN FRANCISCO-Announcing more than $30 million in funding toward the project, San Francisco mayor London Breed reportedly rolled out a new initiative Friday to provide affordable housing to electric scooters. It's far past time we got these electric scooters off our streets and into homes where they can enjoy access...Read more...
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on (#6EC79)
GEORGETOWN, KY-Saying that he would get the hang of riding it eventually, an amateur equestrian was reportedly spotted Friday still having to use a horse with training legs. Aw, poor guy, he looks so nervous up there," said onlooker Justin Leeds, who added that with a little practice, the 35-year-old man could...Read more...
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on (#6EC7A)
CLEVELAND HILL, NY-Onlookers told reporters on Friday that they were unsure how to proceed with rescue efforts into a local well that is filled to the brim with trapped kids. There's gotta be 30, 40 kids trapped in that well, wedged tightly together end to end and seemingly impossible to extract," said local woman...Read more...
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on (#6EC7B)
As U.S. birth rates hit a record low, right wing pundits are urging Americans to do everything they can to avoid a baby bust." The Onion asked conservatives to explain why they believe American women should birth more babies, and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#6EBKX)
After a second incident in which the Kentucky senator froze up during a press conference, The Onion asked Americans to explain why Mitch McConnell should step down, and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#6EBKY)
WASHINGTON-Following the second press conference in five weeks during which the 81-year-old was temporarily unable to speak, Republicans warned Americans Thursday to look away from Sen. Mitch McConnell (R-KY) lest they too should freeze. Good people! Gaze not upon the senator's visage or you may be struck dumb...Read more...
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on (#6EBKD)
Twitter announced that it's lifting its years-long ban on political advertisements, enabling candidates to freely purchase ads again in the U.S. to build on their commitment to free expression." What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6EBKE)
AGOURA HILLS, CA-Providing the first look at the new reality TV spin-off, the producers behind The Golden Bachelor revealed Wednesday the senior women who would be competing to be dumped for a 35-year-old after the series. We're so pleased to introduce to you the 22 beautiful, exuberant ladies who will be vying for a...Read more...
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on (#6EBGC)
GREENVILLE, SC-Amid raucous, uproarious applause at the end of a stump speech, presidential hopeful Sen. Tim Scott (R-SC) was seen Thursday beckoning to a campaign rally attendee whom he wanted to bring backstage to fuck. Why don't you come on over to my campaign bus so I can tell you about this candidate and all his...Read more...
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on (#6EBGD)
WASHINGTON-Telling his counterpart that he was losing patience with the stalled counteroffensive, President Joe Biden reportedly warned Volodymyr Zelensky Thursday that if the Ukrainian president couldn't win the war against Russia, the United States would overthrow him and replace him with someone who would. Our...Read more...
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on (#6EBBS)
RICHMOND, VA-Visiting a fertility clinic in the hopes of finally having the family they always wanted, local couple Tim and Caroline Stauber told reporters Thursday they had turned to in vitro fertilization after struggling to have octuplets. We've tried for years with no success, so at this point, our best chance...Read more...
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on (#6EB59)
CRESTONE, CO-Overreacting to the mere suggestion that a brief moment of levity might be just what the grim situation called for, a search party assembled to find a missing 7-year-old reportedly acted like they couldn't spare three minutes Thursday to watch a funny video. Look, this video isn't that long, and it's...Read more...
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on (#6EB2T)
NEW YORK-Saying he hated to split hairs about such a tragic event, 9/11 truther Ethan Guske nonetheless questioned Thursday why there had been two huge bull's-eyes painted on the side of the Twin Towers. Look, I get that this is a hot-button issue, but I'd just like someone to answer how or why there was a pair...Read more...
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on (#6EB2Y)
As part of his war on woke," Gov. Ron DeSantis of Florida is attempting to ban diversity training in the workplace with HB 7, a law passed by the state legislature that is being challenged in federal court on First Amendment grounds. Could you pass an anti-woke diversity training program in Florida?Read more...
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on (#6EAGA)
The Biden administration released its list of the first 10 drugs that Medicare will negotiate for price cuts with drugmakers, including some of the most widely prescribed or expensive drugs for conditions such as heart disease, diabetes, and autoimmune conditions. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6EA1P)
EUGENE, OR-Detailing the cultural origins of an icon that is now most closely associated with Nazis, a historian told reporters Wednesday that Pepe the Frog actually dates back thousands of years and has a rich, storied history as a Hindu religious symbol. Long before his appropriation by white supremacists and...Read more...
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on (#6EA1Q)
PARKERSVILLE, MI-After conducting an investigation that concluded he must have been a certified dipshit, authorities confirmed local idiot kid Dylan Zwillet, 6, died Wednesday after being left in an unlocked car. It's always a tragedy when a child is forgotten and dies in a car on a hot day, but there's no way around...Read more...
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on (#6E90M)
TACOMA, WA-Saying the disturbing emotions continued to plague her well after the point at which they should have subsided, local mother Leah Andronico told reporters Tuesday that the urge to kill her children had lingered on far too long to be a symptom of postpartum depression. At first I thought my desire to choke...Read more...
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on (#6E8X0)
NEW YORK-Explaining that any absence must be arranged ahead of time by following proper company protocol as listed in the employee handbook, Ada Simmons, HR manager at Hadley Systematics, sent an email Monday reminding staff that a doctor's note was required to use the bathroom. We gently remind all staff that in the...Read more...
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on (#6E8S8)
Many public schools across the United States violate religious freedom laws by leading children in prayer and hanging the Ten Commandments in classrooms. The Onion asked Christians why they push Christianity in public schools, and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#6E8S9)
NEW YORK-Following the successful rollout of the pitch clock this season, MLB officials announced Tuesday that the 2024 season would feature a second pitch clock. With quicker games leading to a majority of fans supporting the pitch clock, it only makes sense to keep doing what works, which is why all games will...Read more...
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on (#6E8SA)
BOCA RATON, FL-In an effort to re-enshrine his family's legacy in the art world following the removal of its name from a wing of the Metropolitan Museum of Art, billionaire former president of Purdue Pharma Richard Sackler revealed Monday that he was paying $1.5 billion to rename all of Pablo Picasso's works after...Read more...
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on (#6E83X)
WASHINGTON-In a troubling sign for the incumbent president, a new poll released Monday by the Pew Research Center found that most Americans see President Joe Biden, 80, as too old to effectively lead a conga line. Our data indicated that among both registered and unregistered voters, Americans overwhelmingly believe...Read more...
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on (#6E7QH)
With the significant increase in deadly hurricanes, wildfires, droughts, heat waves, and floods, The Onion asked Americans how they would like to die in the climate apocalypse, and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#6E7QJ)
DURHAM, NC-Appearing saddened as they explained it was a congenital defect and there was almost nothing they could do, doctors at Duke University Hospital expressed alarm Monday after early tests suggested that a pregnant woman was Black. We are so sorry, and we understand this is absolutely not the news you wanted...Read more...
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on (#6E7QK)
MOSCOW-Returning from beyond the grave to seek revenge on Vladimir Putin for the Russian president's suspected involvement in his untimely death, the late oligarch and Wagner Group founder Yevgeny Prigozhin has begun marching toward the Kremlin with an army of 25,000 undead soldiers, sources reported Monday. I live...Read more...
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on (#6E7QM)
JERSEY CITY, NJ-In the tragic wake of her unexpected passing, sources confirmed Monday that a grandmother's sudden death forced local parents Wilson and Patricia LaRusso to explain to their children what happens when you snitch. Well, buddy, Gran-Gran was a rat-do you know what that is?" Wilson LaRusso said as he and...Read more...
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on (#6E5VB)
Former president Donald Trump was booked at Fulton County Jail and was listed at a 6'3" and a dubious 215 pounds. The Onion asked Americans to guess Trump's weight, and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#6E5VC)
Yevgeny Prigozhin, head of the Wagner mercenary group that started a short-lived mutiny against the Russian government two months ago, is believed to have been killed in a plane crash. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6E5VD)
MEMPHIS, TN-In a bold move they said would give their franchise a much-needed reboot, Leigh Anne and Sean Tuohy announced Friday that Michael Oher, the former offensive tackle and their quasi-adopted son, would be traded to a different white family. Oher has earned a distinguished record with our family, but we think...Read more...
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on (#6E5VE)
PLANO, TX-Citing faulty HVAC systems and temperatures over 100 degrees, Plano Independent School District in North Texas canceled classes Friday over concerns that the extreme heat made its campuses unsafe for mass shootings. We take the well-being of our students very seriously, which is why we have suspended...Read more...
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on (#6E5MK)
NOBLESVILLE, IN-Following his team's 27-13 victory over the Philadelphia Eagles, local Indianapolis Colts fan Ian McDonaugh told reporters that he wouldn't usually read into a preseason game but this one is different. Yeah, yeah, I know it's preseason, but Anthony Richardson is going to be a star from day one," said...Read more...
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on (#6E5MM)
CHICAGO-Touting it as the only tried and true" method for attending such expensive shows for free, local man Ian Procyk told reporters Friday he had managed to sneak into a musical festival by burying himself in the dirt at the event's outdoor location a week ahead of time. It was easy, really-all I had to do was...Read more...
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