The Onion

THE HEAVENS-Admitting that He had barely even noticed the leader of the Catholic Church had died, God, our Lord and Heavenly Father, announced Tuesday that He was too obsessed with ants right now to focus on the next pope. While I want to commit to finding a successor to Pope Francis, I'm currently in kind [...]The post God Too Obsessed With Ants Right Now To Focus On Next Pope appeared first on The Onion.

VATICAN CITY-Saying this should be a time for the siblings to connect with one another and grieve, the late Pope Francis' children issued a statement Tuesday asking for privacy following their father's death. While we are sincerely touched by the outpouring of condolences from across the world, we request that you respect our family's need [...]The post Pope Francis' Children Ask For Privacy Following Father's Death appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Looking around with despair as he searched for an open seat in the Pentagon cafeteria, U.S. Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth was reportedly forced to drink his lunch alone Wednesday. According to witnesses, the 44-year-old former Fox News host wandered through the lunchroom and took slow, deliberate steps past tables filled with jovial military officers [...]The post Unpopular Pete HegsethForced To Drink Lunch Alone appeared first on The Onion.

WORCESTER, MA-Blinking in disbelief as the individual passed him on the street alive and well, local serial killer Aaron Samuel Christensen confirmed to reporters Tuesday that he could have sworn he killed that guy already. Is my memory playing tricks on me, or did I not just flay and disembowel that guy two weeks ago?" [...]The post Serial Killer Could Have Sworn He Killed That Guy Already appeared first on The Onion.

The post Trump Pardons Kid Rock For Whatever Inspired Statutory Rape Lyric In Cool, Daddy Cool' appeared first on The Onion.

VATICAN CITY-Saying he couldn't help but think I told you so" in the wake of the bishop of Rome's death, Cardinal Giuseppe Betori of Florence confirmed Monday that he was feeling pretty vindicated after having spent all of Easter dinner telling Pope Francis to ease off the butter. Yesterday I kept telling him, Your Holiness, [...]The post Cardinal Who Spent Easter Dinner Telling Pope To Ease Off The Butter Feeling Pretty Vindicated appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Staunchly defending his decision to share sensitive military data in messages to his wife, Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth told reporters Monday, There are no state secrets in a healthy relationship." Communication is key in every strong marriage, and that includes communication about airstrikes on foreign adversaries," said the Pentagon chief, who called the mere idea [...]The post Pete Hegseth: There Are No State Secrets In A Healthy Relationship' appeared first on The Onion.

LOS ANGELES-Saying the new format would help him present the series as he had always intended, Severance creator Dan Erickson announced Monday that the TV show's next season would be released solely as episode recaps on Vulture.com. After some debate in the writers' room, we concluded that 500-word write-ups in New York magazine's pop culture [...]The post Severance' Creator Says Next Season Of Show Will Solely Be Released As TV Recaps On Vulture.com appeared first on The Onion.

The post Solitary Consignment appeared first on The Onion.

The post Red Sox Fans Screaming Racial Slurs Throughout Mascot Race appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Lifting up the hem of existence as she gestured for the kids to go within and explore, Melania Trump reportedly informed children visiting the White House on Sunday that she had hidden many Easter eggs behind the curtain of reality. Hurry inside, boys and girls, for there are many trinkets and treats to be found [...]The post Melania Trump Informs Visiting Children She Hid Many Easter Eggs Behind Curtain Of Reality appeared first on The Onion.

VATICAN CITY-Landing in the emergency room after he ended his solemn Easter blessing by vomiting bright colors from a balcony onto the crowd in St. Peter's Square, His Holiness Pope Francis was admitted back into the hospital Sunday as a result of eating an entire bag of jelly beans. Ugh, no-I promised myself I'd just [...]The post Pope Francis Back In Hospital After Eating Entire Bag Of Jelly Beans appeared first on The Onion.

The post Trump: The Only Gun Guy To Stop Bad Gun With Good Guy' appeared first on The Onion.

SANTA FE, NM-Appearing visibly giddy as they released to the public a new barrage of information about the deceased couple's living conditions, personal lives, and private health issues, local authorities announced Friday that even they were not sure why they kept sharing details of Gene Hackman and his wife Betsy Arakawa's deaths. We have no [...]The post Even Investigators Not Sure Why They Keep Releasing Details Of Gene Hackman's Death appeared first on The Onion.

AUGUSTA, ME-In a stunning discovery that linked all 1.4 million residents to a grisly unsolved cold case, the U.S. Department of Justice escalated its attacks on Maine Friday when it allegedly planted a gun on the state. Well, well, well, what do we have here?" U.S. Attorney General Pam Bondi said as she held up [...]The post DOJ Plants Gun On Maine appeared first on The Onion.

NEW YORK-Revealing a concerning decades-long decline in academic achievement for the demographic, a New York University study published Monday found that handmade boy marionettes were falling behind their peers in school. When analyzing standardized test scores across elementary and middle school students, it's clear that little boy marionettes hand-carved out of wood are not keeping [...]The post Study Finds Handmade Boy Marionettes Falling Behind Peers In School appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-In an apparent effort to tamp down on recent speculation about their relationship, Barack and Michelle Obama reportedly showed off their vibrant marriage Friday by inviting the nation to join them in the boudoir. Obviously, there have been some rumors swirling around myself and Michelle, and we'd like to put that to rest by letting [...]The post Obamas Show Off Vibrant Marriage By Inviting Nation To Join Them In Boudoir appeared first on The Onion.

EAST HANOVER, NJ-As part of the health secretary's highly publicized pledge to determine the cause of the disorder in the next five months, a wild-eyed Robert F. Kennedy Jr. reportedlyshouted Show me where autism is made!" Thursday while storming the Sour Patch Kid factory. Attention Sour Patch Factory people: Give me the autism and no [...]The post Show Me Where You Make Autism!' Shouts RFK Jr., Storming Sour Patch Kids Factory appeared first on The Onion.

The post Nation Can't Believe It On Harvard's Side appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Completely mortified while watching the body part detach, Vice President JD Vance reportedly rushed Thursday to put his wife's head back on after fumbling the second lady. No, no, no, no!" cried out the 40-year-old vice president, who watched in shock and horror as Usha Vance's head slipped from his grasp and tumbled onto the [...]The post JD Vance Rushes To Put Wife's Head Back On After Fumbling Second Lady appeared first on The Onion.

NEW HAVEN, CT-Calling such concern for linguistic precision a clear indicator of a thriving country, a panel of historians from Yale University issued a statement Thursday announcing that quibbling over the exact definition of a concentration camp was a sign of a healthy society. Studies of the past tell us that nitpicking the particular semantics [...]The post Historians: Quibbling Over Exact Definition Of Concentration Camp Sign Of Healthy Society appeared first on The Onion.

CHICAGO-Stressing that the delicate subject should be broached sensitively and responsibly, parenting experts from the University of Chicago shared tips Thursday for talking to kids about being heir to the throne of a small European kingdom. Discovering their royal birthright as a small European nation's sovereign can be a rocky period in a child's life, [...]The post Parenting Experts Share Tips For Talking To Kids About Being Heir To Throne Of Small European Kingdom appeared first on The Onion.

CHICAGO-Unsure what to make of the perk that came bundled with his recently purchased device, area man David Halstead reported Tuesday that his new iPad offered three months of something called Apple Deli+.I just linked my iPad up to my Apple ID, and apparently my Meat Pass has been activated and I've been enrolled in [...]The post New iPad Offers 3 Months Of Something Called Apple Deli+ appeared first on The Onion.

Since its construction in the late 18th century, this historic mansion has always been available to the highest bidder. Reference #19827The post Neoclassical Gem appeared first on The Onion.

WILMINGTON, DE-Adding to his streak of disagreeable behavior, 12-year-old nephew Cooper Goodpaster was reportedly in trouble for strangling again. Oh gosh, that's not good, is it?" said 38-year-old Zachary Goodpaster, the delinquent child's uncle, who was troubled upon receiving the news that his brother's oldest song had earned his third suspension for wrapping his hands [...]The post Nephew In Trouble For Strangling Again appeared first on The Onion.

ARLINGTON, VA-In an effort to ensure the continued safety of the almighty being, the U.S. Marshals Service confirmed Monday that God, He Who Created the Heavens and the Earth, has been placed into the Deity Protection Program after witnessing a grisly gangland murder. Federal agents said they were contacted at 3:47 a.m. by the Lord [...]The post God Placed Into Deity Protection Program After Witnessing Murder appeared first on The Onion.

The newlyweds blew through $79,000 in a single day last Saturday, and no one tried to stop them.The post Alison Moore and Meghan Buress appeared first on The Onion.

Gerald, we need to talk. None of this is going to be easy for you to hear, but the simple fact is that you've changed. I've tried ignoring that feeling, to grin and bear it like a good wife would, but I just can't pretend any longer: You're not the man I married. You're significantly [...]The post You're Not The Man I Married-You're Significantly More Attractive And Loving appeared first on The Onion.

This two-dimensional, hand-painted set of a street corner in Washington Heights, Manhattan, comes from a recent local high school production of In The Heights. Reference #78125The post Experience The Charm Of The Barrio appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-During a visit with President Donald Trump at the White House, El Salvador's president Nayib Bukele claimed Monday that he lacks the humanity" to return wrongly deported legal U.S. resident Kilmar Abrego Garcia back to America. How can I return an innocent man to the United States when I don't have the ability to feel [...]The post Salvadoran President Claims He Lacks Humanity To Return Wrongly Deported Man appeared first on The Onion.

NEW YORK-Insisting he was keeping all avenues open as he explored his future, ESPN commentator Stephen A. Smith told reporters Monday that he still hasn't ruled out living a cushy life as a millionaire television personality with no responsibilities. Given the state of the country, I just feel like I have no choice but to [...]The post Stephen A. Smith Hasn't Ruled Out Living Cushy Life As Millionaire TV Personality With No Responsibilities appeared first on The Onion.

The post Paternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind appeared first on The Onion.

MEDINA, OH-Speculating that the situation could be worth looking into at some point down the line, a report released Friday found that local wife Casey Davis, 37, hadn't been home in a few days.Huh, that's weird," said Nick Davis, who was quoted in the report and who looked from a television playing a rerun of [...]The post Report: Wife Hasn't Been Home In Few Days appeared first on The Onion.

EAST RUTHERFORD, NJ-In what the 41-year-old New York Jets quarterback described as a transformative experience," Aaron Rodgers confirmed Wednesday that he'd gone on an ayahuasca retreat in search of new interview anecdotes.When I first did ayahuasca, I knew immediately that I'd found something that I could talk about for hours on all types of media [...]The post Aaron Rodgers Goes On Ayahuasca Retreat In Search Of New Interview Anecdote appeared first on The Onion.