 |
on (#6ER9W)
DEERFIELD, IL-Taking several deep breaths before lifting the triple-meat sub up into the air, local man James Randolf requested a spotter Thursday for a particularly messy sandwich. Hey, buddy, can you give me a hand over here- this thing is pretty heavy," said a sweat-drenched Randolf, who heaved, shook, and moaned...Read more...
|
The Onion
| Link | https://theonion.com/ |
| Feed | https://www.theonion.com/rss |
| Updated | 2024-11-23 04:01 |
 |
on (#6ER7F)
PLATTSMOUTH, NE-Recoiling in shock after he opened a drawer and spotted the odd-looking implement, disgusted local teen Aiden Moore reported Thursday that he had stumbled upon a crazy sex toy belonging to his parents. Oh my God, this is way too freaky-what hole are they even putting this into?" said Moore, 15, who...Read more...
|
 |
on (#6EQ7K)
WINNFIELD, LA-Reflecting that the experience taught him more about what it is to be alive than he had ever thought possible, Immigration and Customs Enforcement agent Anthony Sanford told reporters Wednesday that torturing detained migrants had left him moved by the resiliency of the human spirit. No matter how bad...Read more...
|
 |
on (#6EPF6)
ROCHESTER HILLS, MI-Peering out her kitchen window with concern after noticing the pedestrian across the street, suspicious resident Barbara Hill reportedly told her husband Tuesday that she didn't recall ever seeing that Black man on this planet before. Hon, I don't want to be overly nosy, but I just don't...Read more...
|
 |
on (#6EPAX)
CHICAGO-Deriding the man's views on criminal rehabilitation as hopelessly idealistic, sources reported Tuesday that local prison abolitionist Aaron Eichinger must want rapists to just freely frolic in a field around a maypole. According to your position, if someone commits violent sexual assault, then we let them put...Read more...
|
 |
on (#6EP4B)
CLEVELAND-Rushing into action mere moments before the situation reached a point of no return, heroic police officer Samuel Esposito reportedly talked a man down Tuesday from the edge of climaxing. Sir, before you do something drastic that we all regret, I'm asking you put down your penis and step away from the...Read more...
|
 |
 |
on (#6EP1T)
Edgelords, known for their contrarian viewpoints, for some reason think it's edgy to idolize a washed-up billionaire who spends his entire day shitposting. The Onion asked edgelords why they love Elon Musk, and this is what they said.Read more...
|
 |
on (#6ENJG)
SAN FRANCISCO-With the grocery delivery company filing an IPO that suggested it was worth tens of billions of dollars less than it used to be, sources reported Monday that Instacart's valuation had plummeted as more Americans realized they could do some things for themselves. The 80% drop in value over the past...Read more...
|
 |
on (#6EN2K)
With the ailment blamed for many of the problems in the country, The Onion asked Americans what it is like to live with the Woke Mind Virus, and this is what they said.Read more...
|
 |
on (#6EN2M)
MARIPOSA, CA-Taking in the picturesque sight of where he will die, local hiker Lucas Tribold reportedly climbed up a ridge Monday to get a better view of where his fallen body will be found. Wow, the climb was tough, but totally worth it for this breathtaking view of my final resting place," said Tribold, totally at...Read more...
|
 |
on (#6EN2N)
MOORESVILLE, IN-Purporting to be proud to reside in the U.S., local resident Jeff Chapman, who spends six hours a day posting about how every city in the nation is a third world hellhole, reportedly stated, America is the greatest country on Earth," Monday. Being born in the U.S. is better than winning any lottery,"...Read more...
|
 |
 |
on (#6EN26)
MILL VALLEY, CA-Expressing concern about the alarming number of creative endeavors over the past month, local man Jason Ulnar told reporters Monday that his friend who was doing art must really be struggling. Oh man, looks like he's back to posting his art projects to Instagram again, that can't be good," said Ulner...Read more...
|
 |
on (#6EN27)
The U.S. Coast Guard arrested a man trying to cross the Atlantic in a human-powered hamster wheel," having found him 70 miles off of Georgia's coast while Hurricane Franklin headed toward the area. What do you think?Read more...
|
 |
 |
on (#6EK94)
Mexico's Supreme Court has thrown out all federal criminal penalties for abortion, ruling that national laws prohibiting the procedure violate women's rights in a sweeping decision that extended Latin America's trend of widening abortion access. What do you think?Read more...
|
 |
on (#6EK6A)
WASHINGTON-Touting the renovation as a long-overdue effort to bring the U.S. government's command and control hub into the 21st century, the White House announced Friday that it had rebranded the Situation Room as a dark, moody drum-and-bass-oriented dance lounge known as Club Situation. Thanks to these recent...Read more...
|
 |
on (#6EK6B)
LOS ANGELES-Spitting into their palms to cement the deal, Nick, Joe, and Kevin Jonas reportedly made a tree-house pact Friday to divorce their mean wives and marry each other. Everything was so much better when it was just us Jonas boys, and that's how it should always be," said newly separated Joe Jonas, slipping a...Read more...
|
 |
 |
on (#6EJYF)
LOS ANGELES-Sealing the padded envelopes after stuffing in a few pairs of lightly soiled boxers, Matt Damon reportedly scrambled to make rent Friday by selling his used underwear online. Fuck, if I don't get these thongs out the door, I'm going to be out on the street!" said Damon, hurriedly flossing his ass with a G-...Read more...
|
 |
on (#6EJNB)
Bill Maher is a self proclaimed old-school liberal" comedian who has come under fire for his controversial views on race, religion, and sexuality. If you know someone who is a Bill Maher fan, here are things you should absolutely never say to them.Read more...
|
 |
 |
on (#6EJMS)
TALLAHASSEE, FL-In an effort to enforce recent changes to Florida's K-12 standards for social studies classes, a new bill signed into law this week by Gov. Ron DeSantis requires all educators to teach the state's approved curriculum from inside electrified cages. Effective immediately, teachers in the Sunshine State...Read more...
|
|
on (#6EJ12)
A Delta flight going from Atlanta to Barcelona was forced to turn around for a biohazard issue" after one passenger on board had severe diarrhea that trailed down the aisle. What do you think?Read more...
|
 |
 |
on (#6EJ0F)
WASHINGTON-Amid startled screams and gasps as the 46th commander in chief addressed the country, President Joe Biden attempted to ease worries about his age Thursday with a dramatic facelift. My fellow Americans, people will try and argue that I'm unfit for office, but as you can see, I'm feeling younger than ever,"...Read more...
|
 |
on (#6EHX8)
SAN JOSE, CA-As part of an effort to nurture and raise its young, a self-driving Tesla regurgitated a pedestrian carcass to feed its offspring, sources confirmed Wednesday. Wow, there's something so beautiful about watching a mother Tesla feed its children by vomiting up the half-digested remains of a pedestrian,"...Read more...
|
 |
on (#6EHJ0)
With the 2023 NFL season kicking off this week, Onion Sports has in-depth analysis of every team in the AFC.Read more...
|
 |
on (#6EHJ1)
NORFOLK, VA-In a new campaign featuring several graphic images of the animals falling from 30,000 feet in the sky, People For Ethical Treatment Of Animals released an ad Thursday that seemed to imply that throwing horses out of planes was a common practice. How do you think he feels about your in-flight...Read more...
|
 |
on (#6EHHF)
EL PASO-Telling the same story over and over again about the good old days" at the top of the polls, an old guy at the skatepark Thursday reportedly wouldn't shut up about the time he was considered the future of the Democratic party, according to witnesses. There's always one old guy hanging around, yammering on...Read more...
|
|
on (#6EHFD)
A fan was removed from a U.S. Open tennis match after German player Alexander Zverev accused them of singing the anthem of Hitler" during the game. What do you think?Read more...
|
 |
 |
on (#6EHFG)
Under SB8, private citizens in Texas can sue anyone who aids or abets in an abortion after six weeks of pregnancy. The Onion asked Texans why helping someone get an abortion is a crime, and this is what they said.Read more...
|
|
on (#6EGZH)
Thousands of Burning Man attendees finally made their mass exodus after intense rain over the weekend flooded campsites, stranding more than 70,000 people as they waited for the Nevada desert city to dry out. What do you think?Read more...
|
 |
on (#6EGRF)
TULSA, OK-Observing that he had taken time to reflect and grieve, friends of local man John Tellez were encouraging the widower to get back out there and accidentally kill another family with carbon monoxide poisoning, sources confirmed Wednesday. It's time to take a chance on meeting someone new you can...Read more...
|
 |
on (#6EGE3)
CHICAGO-Gawking at the man who they speculated would become the world's next billionaire, onlookers at Higher Ground Cafe spoke to reporters Wednesday about the unimaginable riches that were surely awaiting the 43-year-old reading The 7 Habits Of Highly Effective People. With the meteoric rise he's bound to...Read more...
|
 |
|
on (#6EGB9)
A 58-year-old woman from Knoxville, TN officially set the Guinness World Record for the world's longest mullet on a woman, with her hair measuring 5 feet and 8 inches in length. What do you think?Read more...
|
 |
on (#6EGBA)
EDINA, MN-Saying it wasn't fair to put all the blame on millennials and Generation Z, enlightened baby boomer Fred Billinger explained Wednesday that America's youth could hardly be held responsible for all the problems minorities had caused. A lot of my friends say the country is headed in the wrong direction...Read more...
|
 |
on (#6EGBB)
After several members of the far-right, neofascist militant group were convicted for their role in the Jan. 6 insurrection, The Onion asked Proud Boys what they thought about the harsh sentences for the Capitol riots, and this is what they said.Read more...
|
 |
on (#6EFVS)
My fellow Americans, let me say once and for all that my health should be of no serious company to you. As my shrimp doctor has purpled, I am in nearly sherbet, and frankly the discussion of such personal mattress is becoming twin-sized bedding.
|
 |
on (#6EFRW)
BURBANK, CA-In a new strategy to grow their subscriber count, the Walt Disney Company unveiled a Disney+ bundle Wednesday that came with full custody of users' kids. For a limited time, you can get Disney+, Hulu, ESPN, and the sole custody of the children who currently live with your ex for just $20 a month," said...Read more...
|
 |
on (#6EFRX)
CUPERTINO, CA-Still sporting the fishnet tights,spiked metal collar, and brightly colored pasties he had worn to the festival, late-returning Burning Man attendee Greg Schaffer was forced Tuesday to drive his fantastical wooden ship straight to work. So sorry I'm late, my fellow burners and I got stuck on the...Read more...
|
 |
on (#6EFN9)
SAN FRANCISCO-In one of the biggest funding rounds so far this year, Harvard Business School graduate Josh Paulsen reportedly raised over $300 million from angel investors Tuesday with a drawing of a flying dog. He came into my office, slapped his drawing on my desk, and said, I'm going to make this happen,'"...Read more...
|
 |
 |
 |
on (#6EFB2)
OLYMPIA, WA-In an effort to bring more awareness to an often overlooked issue, a safety campaign was launched Tuesday to teach new parents that babies can die in just one or two inches of lava. Take it from me, leaving your infant unsupervised in a shallow pool of hot, molten rock is deadlier than you may think,"...Read more...
|
 |
on (#6EFB3)
UTICA, NY-Nearly maintaining the moral standard from sunup to sundown, local hero Nathan Cessner reportedly made it almost an entire day this week without molesting a child. I think he and his ability to not sexually assault minors for a period approaching 24 hours embodies something we should all strive toward,"...Read more...
|
 |
on (#6EFB4)
CHICAGO-Telling the 43-year-old that his condition had simply made him impossible to be around, friends and family reportedly abandoned local man Jonathan Clarke one by one Tuesday after they discovered he was balding. It's just too embarrassing to go anywhere with Jonathan when his scalp is out there in the open for...Read more...
|