The Onion

WASHINGTON-In a stunning security breach that reportedly left many top-ranking administration officials vulnerable to attack, the White House was evacuated Tuesday after the building's trans alarm went off. Officials confirmed the transgender alert system was triggered during President Donald Trump's morning briefing, when infrared estrogen sensors in the West Wing detected a large spike in [...]The post White House Evacuated After Trans Alarm Goes Off appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Lighting up his phone night and day with their cruel taunts, a group of teenage girls reportedly convinced Vice President JD Vance to kill himself Tuesday. Everyone I know thinks you're so gross," 16-year-old Bailey Hayworth said in a video message she sent to Vance, causing the vice president of the United States to throw [...]The post Group Of Teen Girls Convinces JD Vance To Kill Himself appeared first on The Onion.

The happy couple tied the knot Saturday in a beautiful ceremony so opulent that multiple guests looked up the pair's net worth during the proceedings.The post Mark Huang and Gerald Blevins appeared first on The Onion.

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After losing hundreds of staff members to federal layoffs, FEMA faces a number of potential budget cuts that would further affect the government's ability to respond to crises in the future. The Onion examines the key facts and figures behind the Federal Emergency Management Agency. 10:00 a.m. to 3:00 p.m.: Daily operating hours 231st: Where [...]The post FEMA By The Numbers appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-In a sudden escalation of his feud with the American-born, Ireland-based former talk show host, President Donald Trump announced Monday he had signed an executive order allocating $175 billion to build an anti-Rosie O'Donnell defense system across the entire United States. We're building the greatest Rosie defense network the world has ever seen," said Trump, [...]The post Trump Announces $175 Billion Rosie O'Donnell Defense System appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Facing mounting backlash from his MAGA base over his perceived ties to the Jeffrey Epstein case, President Donald Trump reportedly encouraged his supporters Monday to simply move on from society's widespread disdain for pedophilia. It's time to just accept that some people like having sex with kids and focus on the fantastic things we're doing [...]The post Trump Urges Supporters To Move On From Societal Disdain For Pedophilia appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-In a landmark piece of legislation that disgusted supporters said was long overdue, Congress passed a law Thursday banning women from leaving the house without makeup.For too long, Americans have lived in fear of walking outside and encountering the unthinkable-a natural-looking woman who refuses to wear cosmetics," House Speaker Mike Johnson (R-LA) said in support [...]The post Congress Passes Law Banning WomenFrom Leaving House Without Makeup appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-In the latest of a series of escalations in President Donald Trump's highly publicized war on woke," the U.S. Department of Justice reportedly removed all mentions of justice from its website Friday. The purge follows a directive from the DOJ last week to roll back pro-justice programs and delete thousands of webpages that contained banned [...]The post DOJ Removes All Mentions Of Justice From Website appeared first on The Onion.

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This reasonably priced two-bedroom offers homebuyers the exciting chance to help push out the working-class residents who have called the neighborhood home for generations.The post Fantastic Displacement Opportunity appeared first on The Onion.

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MILWAUKEE-Calling the effort a long overdue attempt to address the city's checkered history, Milwaukee officials announced Friday that they had removed the iconic riverfrontFonziestatue amid an ongoing reckoning with the town's greaser past. In the year 2025, no one should be celebrating the dark era in this city when motorcycles, leather jackets, and necking dominated [...]The post Milwaukee RemovesFonzieStatue Amid Reckoning With Greaser Past appeared first on The Onion.

CHICAGO-As a singer made her way onto the field to kickoff another home game with The Star-Spangled Banner," White Sox public address announcer Gene Honda politely reminded fans Tuesday to remove the Polish sausages from their mouths during the national anthem.According to spectators, Honda told the crowd to Please rise and kindly remove any tubed [...]The post White Sox Fans Asked To RemovePolish Sausage From Mouths DuringNational Anthem appeared first on The Onion.

AUSTIN, TX-In an effort to avoid humiliating themselves in front of their fellow conservatives, elected officials in Texas used a burner email to request funds from the Federal Emergency Management Agency following last week's devastating floods, sources reported Thursday. I set up an anonymous account, floodmoney@hotmail.com, and shamefully requested more than $70 million in disaster [...]The post Texas Politicians Used Burner Email To Request FEMA Funds appeared first on The Onion.

GOP lawmakers in the House and Senate officially passed Trump's Big Beautiful Bill," including provisions that slashed funding for public health care programs by more than $1 trillion. The Onion examines the pros and cons of these steep cuts to Medicaid. PRO Will finally motivate poor Americans who've been putting off becoming billionaires Fewer people [...]The post Pros And Cons Of Defunding Medicaid appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-A warm rush pulsing through his body as he stared at the clean white feathers that covered the rendering of his body, something forbidden reportedly stirred deep within President Donald Trump on Thursday after he saw a political cartoon depicting him as a chicken. White House sources confirmed that Trump barked, Out, everybody out," to [...]The post Something Forbidden Stirs Deep Within Trump After He Sees Political Cartoon Depicting Him As Chicken appeared first on The Onion.

WALNUT CREEK, CA-Expressing relief that he finally had the free time to explore his interests and hobbies, local 64-year-old dad Peter Hopkins announced Thursday that he was spending his retirement untangling a big mess of wires. I've been wanting to go through this stuff for ages," said the former account director, who reportedly paced back [...]The post Dad Spends Retirement Untangling Big Mess Of Wires appeared first on The Onion.

CHICAGO-Shedding light on how technology increasingly shapes everyday life, a study published Thursday by the American Journal Of Sociologyrevealed that the average American dedicates 97% of theirdayto retrieving six-digit validation codes. Our findings suggest thatU.S. residentsspend roughly 23 hours eachday-or 160 hours every week-attempting to log in to online services, being told they need to [...]The post Study: 97% Of Average American'sDaySpent Retrieving6-Digit Codes appeared first on The Onion.

BASTROP, TX-After news broke that the company's AI tool had shared several antisemitic posts to X, Elon Musk announced Wednesday that he'd scrubbed the social media platform of the Jewish users who made Grok mad. We are aware of several inappropriate posts made by our xAI chatbot, and we are working to remove the Jews [...]The post Elon Musk Scrubs X Of Jewish Users Who Made Grok Mad appeared first on The Onion.

KERRVILLE, TX-Promising grieving Texans he would do everything in his power to make things right in the wake of last week's deadly floods, Sen. Ted Cruz assured his constituents Wednesday that he was working tirelessly to get the rest of his Greek vacation refunded. I have spent countless hours on the phone persuading Capital One [...]The post Ted Cruz Assures Texans He Working Tirelessly To Get Vacation Refunded appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Casting doubts on the agency's recently released review of the late financier and sex trafficker Jeffrey Epstein, U.S. Attorney General Pam Bondi held a press conference Wednesday to ask what the Department of Justice was hiding. The department's memo claims there was no client list and Epstein died by suicide-that's very suspicious, don't you think?" [...]The post Pam Bondi: What Is The DOJ Hiding?' appeared first on The Onion.

AUSTIN, TX-Realizing that every uterus had already been conquered, Tesla CEO Elon Musk reportedly wept Wednesday, for there were no more women for him to impregnate. I have sown the many fields with my seed and reaped a bountiful harvest, yet now there are no new vessels to bear my fruit," said Musk, who gazed [...]The post Elon Musk Weeps, For There Are No More Women To Impregnate appeared first on The Onion.

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WASHINGTON-Insisting that he deserved a place alongside the iconic visages of the auto supply company's founders, President Donald Trump issued an executive order Tuesday adding his face to the Pep Boys logo. After all my tremendous work on behalf of American car owners, many have said that I should have my image up there with [...]The post Trump Orders His Face Added To The Pep Boys Logo appeared first on The Onion.

ITHACA, NY-Scoffing at the idea that the players would be able to properly honor their victory anywhere else, the owner of local tilestoreAll Stone and Tile was reportedly offended Tuesday that theLittleLeague baseball team he sponsored had celebrated its win at apizza place instead. So I guess we spent several hours setting aside all thesetileswe [...]The post Tile Store Offended By Sponsored Little League Team Celebrating Win At Pizza Place Instead appeared first on The Onion.

LOS ANGELES-Attributing her behavior to insecurity about the government, local woman Kirsten Sears told reporters Monday that she did not like eating in front of the surveillance state. I try to remember the government is more interested in my ideology than my macronutrients, but still, every time, I get so embarrassed," said Sears, who explained [...]The post Insecure Woman Doesn't Like Eating In Front Of Surveillance State appeared first on The Onion.

CANYON LAKE, TX-Remarking that the 3-year-old didn't even come close to stealing the show at a recent family wedding, witnesses reported Monday that they were unimpressed when a completely charmless flower girl walked directly down the aisle. Sure, she did her job, but she utterly failed to delight us with any adorable toddling, spinning, or [...]The post Completely Charmless Flower Girl Walks Directly Down Aisle appeared first on The Onion.

SAN DIEGO-Following a surprise restaurant raid Friday in which dozens of employees were taken into custody, witnesses reported that on top of everything else, the Immigration and Customs Enforcement agents responsible for the violent arrests had the gall to leave a negative review. It takes a lot of nerve to complain about slow service after [...]The post ICE Has Gall To Leave Raided Restaurant Negative Review appeared first on The Onion.

New Zealand singer-songwriter Lorde has released Virgin, her fourth studio album. The Onion sat down with the artist to discuss identity, inspiration, and what's next. The Onion: How has your music evolved as you've gotten older? Lorde: When I was younger I was really intimidated by the black keys on the piano, but now I [...]The post The Onion's Exclusive Interview With Lorde appeared first on The Onion.

President Donald Trump's budget megabill is in the House of Representatives after being narrowly passed by the Senate. Here are the key items in The One Big Beautiful Bill Act." Funding for something called The Facility." Smaller, phone booth-sized detention boxes on every American street corner. Coupon for buy two get one free" 12-packs of [...]The post What's In Trump's Big Beautiful Bill appeared first on The Onion.

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CHICAGO-Emphasizing the constraints of God's healing hands, a new study published Thursday in the Journal Of The American Medical Association found that the curative power of prayer was limited exclusively to genital warts. Our data revealed that while people attempt to cure a host of medical conditions by praying, the only ailment it was shown [...]The post Study Finds Curative Power Of Prayer Limited To Genital Warts appeared first on The Onion.

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