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on (#6P8KV)
WASHINGTON-Making the case that the time had come to abandon your godless life of unbelief, a new report released Tuesday by a consortium of local pastors found that just giving in and going to church would solve all of your problems. The challenges you face will disappear if you simply throw in the towel and stop...Read more...
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The Onion
| Link | https://theonion.com/ |
| Feed | https://www.theonion.com/rss |
| Updated | 2025-07-09 22:00 |
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on (#6P8GG)
ROCKVILLE, MD-Calling the Frosted Flakes cereal mascot the most constant and supportive force in his life, local man Dylan Harney told reporters Tuesday that Tony the Tiger remained the closest thing he had to a father figure. Every morning growing up, I'd wake up and be greeted by that strong but caring cartoon...Read more...
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on (#6P8KW)
Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump recently selected Ohio Sen. J.D. Vance as his running mate. The Onion takes a look at the author and venture capitalist's background and political stances.Read more...
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on (#6P8FZ)
MILWAUKEE-Giving the senator a moment to collect himself, aides reported this week that a sobbing Marco Rubio was refusing to come out of the bathroom stall to give his speech at the Republican National Convention. Aw, Marco-you know, being vice president isn't everything," said Rubio's chief of staff, Jessica...Read more...
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on (#6P7YE)
MILWAUKEE-Following the chaotic events of the past 48 hours, former President Donald Trump reportedly rewrote his Republican National Convention acceptance speech Monday to remove all mentions of never having been shot in the ear. My track record of never having gotten shot in the ear was very good, and was...Read more...
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on (#6P7XF)
WASHINGTON-In a damning report that raised pointed questions about the federal agency's security procedures, an investigation by the House Committee on Homeland Security concluded Monday that the Secret Service failed to account for the nation's 393 million civilian-owned guns while protecting former President...Read more...
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on (#6P7EY)
SEATTLE-Providing clarity for customers in Russia, Moldova, Serbia, Georgia, and several other countries where the branch of Christianity is dominant, Amazon announced Monday that Orthodox Prime Day would be held July 29 through 30 this year. To all those Prime members who follow the Julian calendar, please know we...Read more...
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on (#6P6T0)
A woman who was swept 50 miles out into the Pacific Ocean while swimming with an inflatable swim ring was rescued after 37 hours, with authorities reporting she was likely taken by a current and pushed by strong winds in her inner tube. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6P6CK)
Following a series of initiatives the IRS launched last year to pursue extremely wealthy tax evaders with a focus on individuals with more than $1 million in income and over $250,000 in debt, the organization announced that it has successfully collected $1 billion in back taxes. What do you think?Read more...
on (#6P61D)
In the wake of calls for him to step down from the presidential race following a poor debate performance and concerns about his mental ability to fulfill his duties, President Biden held an hour-long press conference in an attempt to prove his fitness for the position. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6P5YK)
WASHINGTON-Trapped beneath nearly five pounds of aluminum and plastic, Secretary of Transportation Pete Buttigieg was reportedly unable to move Thursday after his body was pinned beneath a derailed model train. Oh God, help me-somebody help!" said Buttigieg, who cried out in pain and anguish as he lay on a plush area...Read more...
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on (#6P5WE)
A vending company called American Rounds has installed its machines in a handful of supermarkets in Oklahoma, Alabama, and Texas, allowing customers to buy ammo while picking up groceries. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6P5SB)
Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (D-NY) has introduced impeachment articles against Supreme Court Justices Clarence Thomas and Samuel Alito for failure to disclose gifts and recuse themselves from certain cases. The Onion explores the pros and cons of impeaching everyone on the highest court in the land.Read more...
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on (#6P53C)
SAN FRANCISCO-Describing the new service as a game changer" for its most loyal customers, telehealth company Hims opened a brick-and-mortar brothel Wednesday with the aim of boosting men's confidence. Hims is proud to launch its first-ever house of prostitution, which employs hundreds of highly trained sex workers...Read more...
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on (#6P3WW)
NEW YORK-Surveying an alley in an attempt to piece together what had gone on here last night, investigators reportedly looked up at the window of an apartment building this morning and speculated that perhaps old Mrs. Howard had seen something. According to neighborhood sources, the 83-year-old shut-in, who has lived...Read more...
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on (#6P3AV)
For Joe Biden, the next few days will be a make or break moment for his campaign. After a bad debate performance, many high-ranking officials and Democratic donors have called for him to bow out, and for another candidate, perhaps Kamala Harris, Gretchen Whitmer, or Gavin Newsom, to step up.Read more...
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on (#6P3AX)
LONDON-As the prestigious tennis event entered the quarterfinals, unenthused sources confirmed Tuesday that although Wimbledon continued to try to excite us, the ball still just went back and forth all day. We really wish we could get excited by the ball going back and forth, but it's simply not happening," said...Read more...
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on (#6P34X)
ATLANTA-Passing the time by inventing random things to penalize him for, bored officials at consumer credit reporting agency Equifax told reporters Tuesday they were seeing how far they could lower Danville, VA resident Scott Arkin's credit score before he decided to kill himself. It's a slow day at the office, so we...Read more...
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on (#6P34Y)
WASHINGTON-According to a study of fertility trends conducted by the Pew Research Center and published Tuesday, more women of childbearing age are choosing to forgo in vitro fertilization in favor of hoping a surprise baby simply falls out when they are in the bathroom relieving themselves. Rather than paying a...Read more...
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on (#6P28K)
WALTHAM, MA-Heeding his supervisor's order to get rid of the excess newborn mechanical quadrupeds, tearful Boston Dynamics engineer Leon Rosoff was forced Monday to drown several unwanted robot puppies. I'm so sorry, little robofellas, but we don't have the funding to maintain all of you," said a sniffling Rosoff,...Read more...
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on (#6P28M)
SAN FRANCISCO-Claiming they didn't have anything like it back home, tourist Greg Foskey told reporters during his trip to California this week that he was excited to try one of those vegetables he'd heard so much about. Whenever you mention California, people always bring up the vegetables, and I want to see what...Read more...
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on (#6P28N)
NEWTON, MA-Saying the role player's peanut intolerance had pulled them entirely out of the fantasy experience, sources confirmed Monday that LARPer Gabe Collins' food allergies were ruining their sense of immersion. It's obviously a serious condition, but it's kind of hard to imagine myself as a chivalrous squire...Read more...
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on (#6P0H4)
The Supreme Court recently made it more difficult to prosecute Donald Trump in his election interference case, ruling 6-3 along ideological lines to grant him partial immunity from criminal charges. The Onion explores the pros and cons of bolstering Trump's presidential power by making any core" constitutional act...Read more...
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on (#6NZVY)
Citizens across America are having barbecues and setting off fireworks to celebrate the Fourth of July, the nation's independence day. What are you doing to celebrate?Read more...
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on (#6NZVZ)
On July 1, Steve Bannon reported to federal prison to serve a four-month sentence for acting in contempt of Congress. The Onion followed the former Trump advisor and far-right figurehead for 24 hours behind bars.
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on (#6NYG7)
WASHINGTON-In a partial victory for the former president, the Supreme Court ruled this week that Donald Trump has immunity for any crime committed between the hours of 9 a.m. and 5 p.m. during his time in the White House. Whether it be bribery, fraud, assassination, or a coup, the president is entitled to immunity...Read more...
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on (#6NY7M)
THE HEAVENS-Groaning as He surveyed the massive piles of souls, a stressed-out God confirmed Tuesday that He had not realized He was supposed to reincarnate all those dead people. Oh, shit, that was my job?" said the Lord God Almighty, who shook His head and muttered, There's, like, 117 billion of these things," as...Read more...
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on (#6NXB8)
A new survey suggests that members of Gen Z are falling for misinformation about sun protection at an alarmingly high rate. In an era where UV rays are more harmful than ever before, here the biggest misconceptions 12- to 27-year-olds have about sunscreen.
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on (#6NXB9)
NEW YORK-Drawing intense criticism from climate activists over her enormous carbon footprint, Taylor Swift reportedly came under fire Monday after aviation journalists located her idling plane double-parked outside a Manhattan store. Taylor Swift's reliance on gas-guzzling private jets continued today when she burned...Read more...
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on (#6NV59)
ATLANTA-Leaving millions of viewers across the nation alarmed and confused, CNN reportedly cut to black Thursday as Hillary Clinton rushed the presidential debate stage. The moderator had just asked Trump and Biden a question about Ukraine when suddenly the camera started shaking, and there she was," said 38-year-old...Read more...
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on (#6NV3W)
WASHINGTON-With the first presidential debate of the 2024 election cycle airing tonight, Americans across the country told reporters Thursday that they couldn't believe they were saying this, but they don't want to watch TV. I know it sounds crazy, but I have absolutely zero urge to turn on my TV tonight," said Ohio...Read more...
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on (#6NV1V)
ATLANTA-Checking in at the building's visitor desk under the singular name Janitor," the Trump boys reportedly broke into an office at CNN headquarters Thursday, attempting to steal the debate answers for their father. All we gotta do is find Mr. Tapper's office and steal the answer key," said Don Jr. to his brother...Read more...
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on (#6NTZM)
Tesla has recalled its Cybertruck for the fourth time since the vehicle went on sale Nov. 30 due to an error with the windshield wiper controller getting too much electrical current, causing it to stop working. What do you think?Read more...
on (#6NTX0)
During the London performance of her Eras tour, pop star Taylor Swift surprised the audience with a cameo from her boyfriend, Travis Kelce, during the introduction to her song I Can Do It With A Broken Heart," with Kelce appearing in costume in a full tuxedo, top hat, and bow tie. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6NTKZ)
Before the first presidential debate of 2024, CNN has released a list of rules and regulations that both candidates must follow. The following are the guidelines that President Joe Biden and former President Donald Trump must adhere to during their 90 minutes on stage.
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on (#6NT2F)
The pair of NASA astronauts who flew Boeing's Starliner capsule to the International Space Station on June 6 have been delayed from returning several times, with their departure date getting pushed from June 18, to the 22nd, to the 26th, and now an unannounced new date as issues with the capsule continue to crop up....Read more...
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on (#6NT0F)
President Joe Biden and former President Donald Trump are set to face off for the first presidential debate of 2024 in Atlanta, GA. The Onion breaks down the most critical facts and figures of the highly anticipated CNN debate, hosted by Jake Tapper and Dana Bash.
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on (#6NT0G)
SANTA CRUZ, CA-Staring in awe as the gasping, waddling figure struggled to pull himself to shore, eye witnesses confirmed Wednesday that a naked man spotted emerging from the ocean must have just finished evolving. Oh my god, look at that thing, it's making its way out of the water and, for the first time, using its...Read more...
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on (#6NSPT)
MANACOR, SPAIN-Expressing regret about missing the amazing event," Rafael Nadal announced this week that he has officially withdrawn from Wimbledon in order to spend more time pressing his tennis racket against his face to make waffle marks, adding that he would now be referred to as Waffle Face. As I near...Read more...
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on (#6NSPV)
LONDON-In an effort to correct the imperial power's past wrongs, London's Science Museum was reportedly forced Wednesday to return the fire exhibit originally plundered from the gods. After extensive negotiations with the deities, we are proud to announce that fire will soon be returned to its rightful home on Mount...Read more...
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on (#6NSJF)
MOSCOW-In an effort to strengthen ties with outside groups two years into Russia's widely condemned invasion of Ukraine, an increasingly isolated Vladimir Putin confirmed Wednesday that he had tried joining an adult kickball league. I found this intramural league that plays in central Moscow, and kickball might be a...Read more...
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on (#6NS83)
A congressional probe recently revealed that the U.S. Postal Service has shared information from Americans' mail with law enforcement, including names and addresses, without requiring a court order, with the organization approving 97% of the 60,000 requests they've received from police departments since 2015. What do y...Read more...
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on (#6NRNC)
SANTA ROSA, CA-Admitting that they normally would not have embraced someone whose life was such a goddamn shitshow, local woman Tara Lopez told reporters Tuesday that her sister's deadbeat boyfriend was doing wonders for the rest of her family's self-esteem. At first we hated the fact that he was an unemployed,...Read more...
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on (#6NRND)
MOUNTAIN VIEW, CA-Outfitting its landing page with a pop-up alert, Google announced Tuesday that everyone's got to chill with these depressing search inquiries," going so far as to suggest internet users save it for [their] therapist" instead. Our search engine is intended for use as a tool-it's not here to serve...Read more...
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on (#6NRN5)
TOKYO-In a rapid-fire string of faux pas that deeply offended every single Japanese person he encountered, American tourist Max Deacon is said to have immediately broken 34 sacred local customs Tuesday while disembarking from his plane in Tokyo. Deacon, who somehow had no idea he was being offensive in any way, shape,...Read more...
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on (#6NR7H)
The Republican Governor of Louisiana Jeff Landry recently signed a law requiring state's classrooms to display a copy of the Ten Commandments. The Onion explores the pros and cons of requiring religious doctrine in public schools.
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