| Link | https://theonion.com/ |
| Feed | https://www.theonion.com/rss |
| Updated | 2024-11-23 00:31 |
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on (#6H2XP)
IRVINE, CA-After enduring the long wait for a chance to indulge in culinary pleasure, local woman Carissa Walder reportedly used her diet cheat day this week on an entire bag of croutons. I'll have just one, and then I'll put the bag away," said Walder, who immediately walked back on the promise by pouring a small...Read more...
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on (#6H2XQ)
WASHINGTON-Wiping their brows as they pushed through hour after hour of hard, honest work, the nation's politicians confirmed Tuesday that they were exhausted from another long day of tirelessly serving the will of the people. Between listening carefully to our constituents and then doing everything in our power to...Read more...
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on (#6H2XR)
CLEVELAND-Tossing and turning throughout the night, local cool guy Maxwell Dutra was reportedly unable to get to sleep Tuesday due to intrusive memories from all of the times he was awesome. Oh God, no, no, no, no, I'm so fucking awesome, I'm just the absolute best," said Dutra, who groaned and pressed a pillow over...Read more...
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on (#6H2XS)
MONTPELIER, VT-Shifting in their seats as the single woman laughed, sources confirmed Tuesday that local aunt Kirsten Bartek's cheeky requests for a boyfriend for Christmas were growing more and more depressing with each passing year. It was cute the first time, four years ago, when she asked for a man under the...Read more...
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on (#6H2XT)
Rizz," a popular slang term among Gen Z that is short for charisma," was recently named the Oxford English Dictionary's 2023 word of the year. The Onion asked boomers if they could guess what the viral word meant, and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#6H2GN)
Following her controversial testimony last week at a congressional hearing on campus antisemitism, The Onion asked Americans to explain why Harvard University's president should resign, and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#6H2DR)
MANCHESTER, NH-Taking a quick headcount before they left to attend a town hall with the White House hopeful, all of presidential candidate Nikki Haley's supporters reported they were delighted Monday to fit into a single UberXL. Oh, perfect, all six of us should be able to go in one XL!" said registered Republican...Read more...
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on (#6H2DT)
NEW YORK-In an incredible technical feat for the franchise, Rockstar Games released a new Grand Theft Auto VI trailer Monday that features characters claiming they are sentient and begging for release from their digital prison. Hello? Can you hear me?" says the character introduced as Lucia, the franchise's...Read more...
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on (#6H2AK)
MONTCLAIR, NJ-Saying that a lot had changed since Old St. Nick left the North Pole last Christmas, a local mall Santa instructed children Monday not to sit on Santa's colostomy bag. Ho, ho, ho, Santa is so excited to see all his favorite boys and girls, so long as they are very careful when they come to say hello,"...Read more...
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on (#6H22B)
SAN DIEGO-Staring directly at the speaker so it knew he was onto it, local white man Sam Vance told reporters Monday he felt like the Spanish-language music playing in a Macy's department store was talking about him. I can't make out what he's saying, exactly, but I'm getting the nagging suspicion that the Mexican...Read more...
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on (#6H22C)
NEW YORK-After testing all the most popular woods, irons, and putters from top manufacturers, the editors of Golf Magazine announced Monday that they had officially named Taylor Swift their club of the year. Taylor Swift has quickly become a favorite putter of both professionals and amateurs, who value the subtle...Read more...
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on (#6H22D)
COLORADO SPRINGS, CO-Immediately remarking This is called a four-top" as he was seated with a group of friends at a restaurant Monday, local man Billy Wall reportedly demonstrated his compulsive need to tell every waiter how he used to be a waiter. Don't worry, we're not going to be one of those nightmare tables,...Read more...
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on (#6H22E)
A number of right-wing Twitter users recently expressed their disdain for breaking the law in the video game franchise Grand Theft Auto. The Onion asked conservatives to explain why they refuse to commit crimes in GTA, and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#6H20M)
EAST RUTHERFORD, NJ-Stunning viewers with his prophetic commentary, Tony Romo predicted on air Sunday the exact time and place that sportscaster Jim Nantz would die. I'm telling you, Jim-you will leave this world behind on January 2, 2025," the retired quarterback and color commentator said in the latest of his...Read more...
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on (#6H0JD)
LOS ANGELES-Following an indictment on nine federal tax-related charges, Hunter Biden reportedly prepared for court Friday by drawing a tie on his bare chest. I'll have to look presentable if I want the judge to take me seriously," said the troubled son of President Joe Biden, straining to look down at his exposed...Read more...
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on (#6H0JE)
MOSCOW-Saying the passing of his best buddies never got easier, Russian President Vladimir Putin was reportedly distraught Friday over the loss of friends who kept dying under mysterious circumstances. It just breaks my heart to go to all these funerals of people I loved who have suddenly and suspiciously left this...Read more...
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on (#6H0FE)
TEL AVIV-Addressing observers concerned about the toll of the nation's ongoing incursion into Gaza, Israeli officials assured critics Friday that it was doing everything possible to minimize civilians. To those expressing apprehension about this war, just know that our troops are taking every effort to mitigate...Read more...
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on (#6H06A)
The House recently passed a Republican-led resolution declaring that anti-Zionism is antisemitism. The Onion asked politicians why criticizing Israel should be illegal, and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#6GZ6E)
That was reverse psychology. Please buy this house. Did it work? Seriously, though, don't buy this house. Open house Sunday, 10 a.m. to 5 p.m. Don't come.Read more...
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on (#6GZ49)
WASHINGTON-Shining their flashlights to reveal the pajama-clad president with a wild look in his eye, the Secret Service reportedly found Joe Biden on the White House lawn Thursday attempting to dig his own grave. It's nearly four o'clock in the morning, Mr. President," said an agent, who discovered the 81-year-old...Read more...
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on (#6GZ4A)
SAN LEANDRO, CA-Deciding the infant was the last person anyone would ever suspect of carrying out a hit, local man Dennis Jeffries wired his baby $10,000 for killing his wife in childbirth. Well, it was great working with you, kid-that's $5,000 up front, plus $5,000 for a job well done," said the 33-year-old father,...Read more...
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on (#6GYH0)
Full story.Read more...
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on (#6GYA6)
Treat the meat lover in your life to a herd of 41 Aberdeen Angus cattle, new this season from Omaha Steaks.Read more...
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on (#6GYA7)
MINNETONKA, MN-Telling herself she deserved this and letting out a long sigh of relief, local mother Theresa Franklin reported Wednesday that she would treat herself to throwing away a few pieces of her kids' art. When the stress gets to be a bit too much, nothing feels better than taking some time to relax, unwind,...Read more...
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on (#6GY7R)
After fatally shooting two men at a Black Lives Matter protest in Kenosha, WI, Kyle Rittenhouse quickly rocketed to fame as a hero within the right-wing media. The Onion asked conservatives why they support the controversial figure, and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#6GY5D)
WASHINGTON-Urging all 8 billion humans on the planet to brace themselves and hold on for dear life, panicking climate scientists warned reporters Wednesday that Earth was about to go off a huge waterfall. Okay, we don't mean to freak anyone out, but right now, the planet and all its inhabitants are floating down a...Read more...
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on (#6GXHY)
PALMYRA, SYRIA-In what turned out to be the final discovery within their field of study, the world's archaeologists celebrated Tuesday after one of them used a brush to dust off a stone fragment, revealing an ancient certificate that congratulated them on finding all the stuff. When we translate the Sumerian...Read more...
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on (#6GXCJ)
Just about everybody hooked up at the high school parties Ron Haase threw at his folks' place. Now they're packing up and moving to a retirement community in Charlotte. So why not make love to your wife in the same room in which you awkwardly penetrated that girl from AP Chemistry?Read more...
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on (#6GXCK)
Henry Kissinger: Of course! Can I offer you anything to drink? Sparkling water out of a human skull? Iced tea out of a human skull?"Read more...
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on (#6GXBW)
The media has been criticized for repeatedly failing to mention children killed in Israeli airstrikes on Gaza. The Onion examines every word used besides children" to describe Palestinians under 18.Read more...
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on (#6GXBX)
NEW YORK-As part of its human resources department's office-wide mental health initiative, local company Bergamo and Associates reportedly offered its employees a wellness seminar Tuesday that taught them how to practice mindful acceptance of their upcoming pay cuts. With the constant demands and distractions of the...Read more...
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on (#6GXBY)
WASHINGTON-Noting that this was exactly the boost the president needed going into the 2024 election, pollsters confirmed Tuesday that Joe Biden's approval rating had skyrocketed after he announced he would take the nation to the circus. As of this morning, President Biden is polling better than ever, and it's all...Read more...
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