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on (#6E5HX)
After Donald Trump surrendered at Fulton County Jail to face felony charges for his role in attempting to overturn the 2020 presidential election results in Georgia, The Onion asked Americans what they thought of the former president's mug shot, and this is what they said.Read more...
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The Onion
| Link | https://theonion.com/ |
| Feed | https://www.theonion.com/rss |
| Updated | 2024-11-23 07:31 |
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on (#6E5F2)
With a slew of anti-LGBQT+ bills recently passed in red states, The Onion asked Republicans what they would do if their kid came out as gay, and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#6E5F3)
NORTH HEMPSTEAD, NY-Expressing shock that her history curriculum had failed to include such a significant event from the nation's past, local woman Beth Hudson, 22, wondered aloud Friday why no class she took in her four years of high school ever mentioned that Nicole Kidman once dated Lenny Kravitz. When we got to...Read more...
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on (#6E5EM)
CAMDEN, NJ-Saying customers were ready for a rich, flavorful product they could keep in their mouth and savor as long as they pleased, broth manufacturer Swanson announced plans Friday to introduce its first bouillon chaw. When you tuck our bouillon chaw between your cheek and gum, you can enjoy the taste of...Read more...
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on (#6E5D6)
EVANSTON, IL-In the wake of several turbulent weeks in which multiple former players filed lawsuits against the school and head coach Pat Fitzgerald was fired, Northwestern Wildcats fans reportedly expressed hope Friday that a massive hazing scandal meant the school was finally getting serious about football. When I...Read more...
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on (#6E5D8)
BATESVILLE, AR-Holding his arm and trying not to cry as he walked nervously up to his supervisor, bleeding 9-year-old worker Blaine Wilkins reportedly asked Friday if he could go to the slaughterhouse nurse. Um, ma'am, I cut myself on the cow-slicing blade, and it hurts pretty bad," said Wilkins, who then held up his...Read more...
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on (#6E4ZT)
Sha'Carri Richardson won the women's 100-meter world title and set a new championship record in the process, two years after she tested positive for cannabis and was barred from competing in the Tokyo Olympics. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6E4S8)
CHARLOTTESVILLE, VA-In an effort to educate students about sex and provide them with the correct tools, the University of Virginia confirmed Thursday that its campus health center had begun offering students free roofies. As a university, we feel it's our job to ensure students have access to Rohypnol pills in order...Read more...
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on (#6E4S9)
ATLANTA-After being indicted by a grand jury in Georgia for his attempts to overturn the 2020 presidential election, Donald J. Trump reportedly traveled to Atlanta Thursday and turned himself in to a Fulton County strip club. Trump, according to multiple witnesses, could be seen exiting his heavily barricaded...Read more...
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on (#6E4SA)
MILWAUKEE-Analyzing the behavior on display during Wednesday night's Republican presidential debate, a body language expert explained that the eight candidates who participated in the event had all just finished having sex with each other before they walked out on the stage. It's obvious from how many of them had...Read more...
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on (#6E4NH)
ATLANTA-Hopping from foot to foot in front of their laptop and phone screens in fevered anticipation of the former president's photo, the nation's liberals reportedly anxiously waited with unzipped pants Thursday for the moment they could finally jerk off to Donald Trump's mug shot. Oh Christ, come on already,...Read more...
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on (#6E4C7)
NEW YORK-Touting the breakthrough as a major step forward in primate research, scientists at Columbia University announced Thursday they had successfully taught a 7-year-old western lowland gorilla to buy beer for underage teens. Despite years of setbacks, we've finally trained a gorilla named Makuba to pick up a...Read more...
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on (#6E4C8)
TUCSON, AZ-Responding to a wave of hazing rituals that turned violent at the local chapter of Beta Theta Pi, the dean of students at the University of Arizona reportedly overreacted Thursday by shutting down the fraternity even though the pledge didn't die. I don't see what the big deal is-he's out of the ICU and...Read more...
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on (#6E4C9)
Billy McFarland, who went to federal prison for crimes related to 2017's infamous Fyre Festival, has announced that tickets for Fyre Festival 2 are now on sale for $499, though no dates, lineup, or location have been confirmed. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6E4BQ)
Rather than participate in the first GOP presidential debate, Donald Trump instead opted to appear in a pretaped interview with Tucker Carlson that will air at the same time. The Onion asked Trump supporters how they felt about the former president's interview, and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#6E49V)
SALISBURY, MD-Saying the company maintained a strong commitment to sustainable agricultural practices, poultry processing conglomerate Perdue Farms pledged Tuesday to plant one chicken for every chicken it sold. As part of our broader efforts to be thoughtful, responsible stewards of our planet's natural resources,...Read more...
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on (#6E49W)
NEW YORK-Blaming his lack of experience with the confusing route, new Metropolitan Transit Authority train operator Sal Mazzara reportedly ended up lost Wednesday on some back-road tracks in the middle of nowhere. I never should have taken that shortcut at 72nd Street," said Mazzara, adding that he'd been trying to...Read more...
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on (#6E41S)
MILWAUKEE-In the wake of an aide's failed attempt to properly affix the patriotic symbol to the former New Jersey governor's lapel, a rapidly deflating Chris Christie was reportedly spotted whizzing around the GOP debate stage Wednesday after being popped with a U.S. flag pin. Whooooaaaa, whoaaaaaaa, help...Read more...
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on (#6E3WV)
MILWAUKEE-Lining up in the hallway dressed in hospital gowns, Republican presidential candidates underwent mandatory genital checks ahead of their first debate Wednesday. Please state your name, date of birth, and gender," said the Republican National Committee's staff physician, who then put on glasses, snapped on...Read more...
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on (#6E3SM)
The first debate of the 2024 election cycle is unfortunately upon us, taking place in Milwaukee this evening and featuring eight of the qualifying Republican candidates. The ninth qualifying candidate, former President Donald Trump, will not attend. The Onion tells you what to expect from the first GOP debate of the...Read more...
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on (#6E3P6)
Eight candidates will participate in tonight's GOP presidential debate, though without the clear front-runner, former President Donald Trump, who says the public already knows who he is and therefore he doesn't need to attend. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6E3BZ)
A zoo in Tennessee says it has welcomed a rare giraffe that does not have any spots, with experts confirming she may be the only solid-colored reticulated giraffe on the planet. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6E3C1)
A leaked memo from the Never Back Down super PAC provided a helpful plan of action for Gov. Ron DeSantis to follow during Wednesday night's debate. The Onion examines the best strategies from the document.Read more...
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on (#6E3C2)
WHEATON, IL-Adjusting their white eyeliner and iridescent lip gloss before approaching the podium, the nation's older sister's friends officially unveiled plans Wednesday to split a single cigarette among nine of them. We're going to sneak out after dark and meet in the bushes to smoke it," said teenage sister Tiff...Read more...
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on (#6E3C3)
AMARILLO, TX-After she was forced to carry her nonviable pregnancy to term in accordance with the state's highly restrictive abortion ban, sources reported Wednesday that Texas doctors crowded around to observe the fucked-up thing a local woman had been legally required to give birth to. My God...what...what are we even...Read more...
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on (#6E2GG)
SAN FRANCISCO-Saying the breakthrough had tremendous disruptive potential, a group of Silicon Valley investors on Tuesday touted a man who shows up to steal one of your bones as a bold new tech innovation. We're backing this tech because we believe it will completely change the way people think about their bones,...Read more...
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on (#6E2GH)
After former President Donald Trump was indicted by a Georgia grand jury, his supporters found and published the names and addresses of the jury's members. The Onion asked Trump supporters why they posted the jurors' personal information online, and this is why they said.Read more...
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on (#6E2A3)
SACRAMENTO, CA- Trying not to roll their eyes as the doting mother went on and on about her child, sources confirmed Tuesday that local woman Corinne Lesseder spent the whole eulogy yammering about her kid. I'm not keeping time, but she's been talking uninterrupted about nothing but Callen, Callen, Callen' for...Read more...
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on (#6E25K)
College can provide a rich, rewarding experience for students if they really prioritize materialism and bring cool stuff. Here is The Onion's essential college shopping guide.Read more...
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on (#6E25M)
While acknowledging their existence or uttering a single word isn't recommended, here is what you should definitely never say to your freshmen-year roommate.Read more...
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on (#6E25N)
A new study has found that the wealthiest 10% of Americans are responsible for almost half of planet-heating pollution in the United States, in part because of the fossil fuels generated by companies they invest in. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6E1NE)
A leaked strategy memo from a Ron DeSantis-supporting super PAC suggested the Florida governor take a sledgehammer" to presidential candidate Vivek Ramaswamy and defend former President Donald Trump during this week's GOP primary debate. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6E1NF)
AUSTIN, TX-Discovering a clear link between obsessively reflecting on appreciating assets and overall contentment, a study published Monday by the University of Texas found that living a happy life was strongly correlated to thinking about property values all the time. Our data clearly indicates a direct relationship...Read more...
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on (#6E1NG)
SAN FRANCISCO-In one of a slew of major changes to hit the social media site, owner Elon Musk confirmed Monday that the homepage for X, formerly known as Twitter, would now feature a photo of an erect penis that was impossible to close out of. From an intuitive perspective, not having a hard, veiny cock on the...Read more...
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on (#6E1NH)
LAHAINA, HI-Beaming as he thrust a shovel into the ground of the charred and tangled wreckage, President Joe Biden visited Maui Monday to promote the island's new multibillion-dollar devastation. Today, I am honored as your president to break ground on this brand-new, state-of-the-art swath of twisted metal and ash,"...Read more...
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on (#6E18S)
The New Jersey Supreme Court ruled in favor of a Catholic school that terminated an unmarried pregnant teacher for having premarital sex, saying religious entities can use religious tenets as exceptions to state employment law. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6E18T)
GREEN BAY, WI-In an act demonstrating clear confidence and pride in his own worth, self-respecting man Evan Landry reportedly heated up his leftovers from Garcia's Mexican Restaurant in the microwave on Monday. I could just dig into this leftover burrito bowl cold, but I'm a grown man and I love myself," said...Read more...
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on (#6E18W)
SEYMOUR, IN-Expressing astonishment over her husband's about-face regarding the root vegetable, local mother Connie Keeley reportedly told her children Monday that she was proud of their father, Paul, 56, for trying a sweet potato. You won't believe this, but the other day I asked your father if he wanted to try a...Read more...
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on (#6E18V)
NEW YORK-Finding that every single one of the resumes had exactly what the company was looking for, job recruiter Karl Bonilla was reportedly combing through an exciting pool of the CEO's nephews this week. The CEO has a lot of relatives, so this is going to be a hard choice," said Bonilla, adding that each candidate...Read more...
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on (#6E18X)
WASHINGTON-Looking down at his feet while addressing the nation, the U.S. Sad Sack General made a rare public appearance Monday to announce that he'll be in his room, not that anyone cares. Yeah, so, that's where I'll be-not that anyone ever tries to find me," said Joe Davis, the sighing government official in charge...Read more...
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on (#6E14K)
Americans across the country primarily rely on higher education to learn that they are dumb and broke. The Onion examines the most popular college major in every state.Read more...
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