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on (#6K8BF)
NORFOLK, VA-Reaching the decision after an extensive discussion amongst the military branch's leadership, the U.S. Navy announced Friday its plan to phase out all wet activities over the coming year. Although wetness has long defined the Navy's operations, we've concluded that getting wet is really more trouble...Read more...
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The Onion
| Link | https://theonion.com/ |
| Feed | https://www.theonion.com/rss |
| Updated | 2025-07-09 09:45 |
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on (#6K8BG)
INDIANAPOLIS-Pushing around a limp salad in a bowl, local woman Danielle Guerra reportedly sighed and said, I wish I had your metabolism," Monday upon seeing Garfield swallow a whole lasagna in one gulp. You're so lucky that you can eat that stuff all the time and not gain any weight," Guerra said as her eyes moved...Read more...
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on (#6K836)
NEW YORK-Hunched over a pint of beer, Paul Giamatti's fake lazy eye from The Holdovers was reportedly drunkenly watching the Oscars broadcast from a corner of the dive bar, sources confirmed Sunday. Turn it up, turn it up, I can't hear!" said the prosthetic eyeball, which slurred its words as it tried to tell...Read more...
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on (#6K82Q)
LOS ANGELES-Saying they were kicking themselves for leaving such an important task until the last minute, organizers of the 96th Academy Awards told reporters Sunday they were worried Oscar nominees would be able to tell the gift bags were full of junk purchased at a dollar store a few hours ago. I know they aren't...Read more...
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on (#6K81S)
LOS ANGELES-Groaning with pleasure as Hollywood's biggest stars entered the Dolby Theater, celebrity sources confirmed Sunday that the moaning red carpet had a distinct Quentin Tarantino-shaped lump underneath. Yes, yes, harder, step harder," said the quivering mound in the outline of the famed director, which was...Read more...
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on (#6K6SZ)
Take this quiz to see if you have the knowledge and skills required to sexually pleasure a woman.Read more...
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on (#6K6J2)
A German man who voluntarily received 217 Covid 19 vaccines in the span of 29 months has experienced no negative health effects, according to researchers, although doctors still do not endorse hyper-vaccination to boost immunity. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6K6G3)
WEST ORANGE, NJ-Americans were reportedly taking part in celebrations and special programs across the country Friday in honor of the 150th anniversary of Thomas Edison inventing the electrical duck. We take it for granted today, but the electrical duck transformed the face of modern life as we know it," said Conrad...Read more...
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on (#6K6G4)
MENLO PARK, CA-As he argued that he of all people should know the difference between the real and virtual worlds, a blood-covered Mark Zuckerberg was reportedly informed Friday that the murder he had just committed was not in the metaverse. Yeah, right, there's no way that guy I just killed was real-we're in the...Read more...
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on (#6K6G5)
PEORIA, IL-Hard at work on her patient as a nearby boombox blared classic rock radio, a local gynecologist reportedly wheeled out from under her patient's legs Friday to ask the nurse for a socket wrench. Can I get a ratchet with a quarter-inch socket down here?" asked Dr. Jan Morgan, who lay on her back holding a...Read more...
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on (#6K6G6)
LOONSVILLE, MI-Calling the initiative an urgently needed infusion of resources into the organization's core mission, the nonprofit Habitat for Insanity announced Friday its intention to invest 35 million seashells into building affordable teeth. At Habitat for Insanity, we've long been devoted to helping the ...Read more...
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on (#6K6G7)
The leftist agenda has infiltrated all levels of American society, including our public schools. The Onion asked kids how their woke' curriculum had brainwashed them, and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#6K68S)
WASHINGTON-Deteriorating before the eyes of a nation until he was nothing more than fine particles of sediment on the floor next to the podium, President Joe Biden appeared to crumble to dust Thursday night during his State of the Union address. My fellow Amer-" the president said in what would be his final address...Read more...
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on (#6K5ZB)
MYRTLE BEACH, SC-Instantly committing its remaining days on earth to waddling behind the man, a local sea gull reportedly decided Thursday to follow Doug Wheeler around for the rest of his life after the 32-year-old accountant absent-mindedly tossed some hot dog scraps on the ground. According to sources, Wheeler will...Read more...
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on (#6K5ZC)
After major losses on Super Tuesday, Nikki Haley dropped out of the presidential race, leaving Donald Trump as the only major Republican candidate in the running. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6K5ZD)
WASHINGTON-Assuring her coworkers that she wouldn't have made the request if the event weren't important, Vice President Kamala Harris reportedly swapped shifts with a coworker at Orangetheory Thursday so she could attend the State of the Union address. I did a double at the front desk last week to cover for...Read more...
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on (#6K5JD)
In last week's Michigan's Democratic primary, more than 100,000 voters cast their ballots as uncommitted" in protest of President Joe Biden's support for Israel in its war in Gaza. The Onion explores the pros and cons of participating in a protest vote against the 2024 Democratic ticket.Read more...
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on (#6K5JE)
WILLOW GLEN, CA-Knowing full well that their fate had been sealed, local waitstaff at TGI Fridays watched helplessly Thursday as a limousine full of screaming 12-year-old girls pulled up in front of their restaurant. Dear God, we're doomed," said head waiter James Orsen, who stood motionless as several preteens...Read more...
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on (#6K5JF)
A new study from researchers in France found that one third of the study's 630 participants couldn't read the behavioral cues of an unhappy cat, ascribing the animal happy emotions when in fact they were signaling distress. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6K5G7)
ROQUEBRUNE-CAP-MARTIN, FRANCE-Describing a migration pattern that had a devastating effect on prehistoric neighborhoods, archaeologists from the University of California, Berkeley, announced Thursday they had uncovered the first caves gentrified by Homo sapiens. While excavating caverns in southern France, we...Read more...
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on (#6K5G8)
When it comes to the war in Gaza, news outlets in the United States largely prefer to keep descriptions vague in order to appear impartial. The following are several words besides genocide" the media uses to describe genocide.Read more...
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on (#6K5G9)
KANSAS CITY, MO-Chitchatting as he took his passenger from a funeral home to a graveside service nearby, local hearse driver Glen Holland reportedly made small talk Thursday with the corpse riding in the back of his vehicle. Going to Elmwood Cemetery, huh?" Holland said to the man who had died from multiple gunshot...Read more...
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on (#6K54G)
Sen. Kyrsten Sinema (I-AZ) announced that she will not seek reelection, leaving just one term after winning as a Democrat and leaving the party to become an independent. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6K4TY)
CONCORD, CA-Assuring the single 37-year-old that she had already vetted the prospective suitor, local mom Tina Salerno announced Wednesday that she would like to set her daughter Anna Salerno up with the nice man from the salad dressing label. Honey, don't be mad, but there's a man I'd like you to meet who is...Read more...
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on (#6K4MD)
After attempts to ban abortion, birth control, and IVF, some people think the next conservative target will be sexual intercourse outside of marriage. The Onion asked conservatives why casual sex should be illegal, and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#6K4ME)
During U2's final performance at the Las Vegas Sphere, Bono dedicated the song All I Want Is You' to Jill Biden, who was in attendance, saying This song, when we wrote it, I tried to write the lyrics from the point of view of the woman or the bride [...]. And one woman in particular who is with us tonight, she's a...Read more...
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on (#6K4J3)
HINSDALE, IL-Barely audible through their snack-cake-stuffed cheeks, members of the American Nutrition Association said fuck it Wednesday after discovering Little Debbie desserts. Oh my God, forget everything I said about ultra-processed foods-these things are incredible," said registered dietitian Veronica Chernov,...Read more...
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on (#6K4J4)
WASHINGTON-Noting how much better things used to be for those struggling financially, Americans across the country confirmed Wednesday that they longed for the days when poverty mostly meant making a monkey dance on the street for cash. Just a few decades ago, being below the poverty line was way more tolerable, and...Read more...
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on (#6K4J5)
CUPERTINO, CA-Touting the product as the smallest virtual reality headset in the world, Apple held a keynote presentation at its headquarters Wednesday to unveil a brand-new product, the Apple Vision Pro Mini. When it comes to spatial computing, the Apple Vision Pro was just the first step, and our latest model fits...Read more...
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on (#6K444)
French legislators voted 780-72 in favor of an amendment guaranteeing women's right to abortion access in their Constitution, becoming the first country in the world to do so. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6K3KQ)
COLUMBUS, OH-According to a new study published Tuesday in the Journal Of Personality And Social Psychology, researchers at the Ohio State University found that people were most confident while unaware that the fly of their pants was undone. We found a tremendously strong correlation between walking into a room with...Read more...
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on (#6K3KR)
THE INFINITE-In a dominant electoral showing that stretched across the unified field of consciousness, author and politician Marianne Williamson successfully primaried President Biden Tuesday in all 63 counties of the Astral Plane, according to cosmic sources. This win is sure to impact Williamson's candidacy-not...Read more...
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on (#6K32X)
IOWA CITY, IA-Revealing that the gut-wrenching" decision had taken months to make, 22-year-old Caitlin Clark announced Monday that she would be leaving the University of Iowa's basketball program for drama club. Although these past four years playing for this team have been amazing, I know in my heart I belong in...Read more...
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on (#6K2R3)
As the world grapples with the horrors of the Israel-Hamas war, many people trying to stay up to date with the situation are finding the media's coverage lacking for myriad reasons, but exactly what accurate reporting on the conflict looks like is difficult to define. The Onion asked Americans what balanced coverage...Read more...
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on (#6K2R4)
During a TV interview, Kellogg's CEO Gary Pilnick stated that those struggling to pay for food should just eat cereal for dinner, sparking outrage about companies profiting from inflation with some even calling for a boycott of Kellogg's products. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6K2QF)
ALLENTOWN, PA-Exchanging tales of license suspensions and alcohol highway safety classes, alumni of William Allen High School reportedly spent their 20-year high school reunion last weekend catching up on each other's DUIs. No fucking way-I think we have the same probation officer!" said 38-year-old Caleb Rice, who...Read more...
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on (#6K2QG)
PALM BEACH, FL-Repeatedly opening and closing the browser window for his bank's website, former President Donald Trump told reporters Monday that he was scared to check his credit score. I can't do it-I just can't do it," said Trump, who admitted that he hadn't paid off his credit card in weeks and grimaced as he...Read more...
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on (#6K2P4)
DENVER-Charging a premium for the highly sought-after amenity, an apartment listing posted Monday reportedly counted the toilet as storage space. Bathroom features extra storage in the tank behind the toilet," the listing read in part, explaining that the toilet was perfect for storing personal hygiene products or...Read more...
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on (#6K18R)
Joe Biden and Donald Trump took competing visits to the U.S.-Mexico border yesterday, both in an effort to show voters that their stance on immigration is the better one, as the increase in immigration during the last four years has become a primary concern in the 2024 election. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6K167)
CUPERTINO, CA-Stunning fans and investors who had long assumed the company's electric car project was dead, CEO Tim Cook took the stage at an Apple keynote event Friday to announce the Apple Vision Pro has been an autonomous vehicle all along. Not only are plans for an Apple electric vehicle not canceled-it's been on...Read more...
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on (#6K0XE)
ESCONDIDO, CA-Instituting a sustainability policy intended to make the facility more eco-friendly, Sacred Heart Medical Center announced Friday that it was switching to reusable canvas blood bags. We have begun phasing out traditional plastic blood bags and replacing them with an alternative that is made from...Read more...
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on (#6K0TF)
Lured by AI-generated images of an immersive Willy Wonka Experience in Glasgow, families across Scotland bought a total of 850 tickets to an event hosted by the House of Illuminati only to arrive at a half-empty warehouse in a shock that left parents outraged, children crying, and police called to the scene. What do yo...Read more...