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by The Onion Staff on (#6Q1A5)
Across the country, millions of K-12 students and their families are loading up their shopping carts as they prepare for the start of another school year. The Onion takes a look at the statistics behind back-to-school shopping. 64: Minimum number of different colored crayons required for childnot to be considered poor 46%: Portion of Elmer's [...]The post Back-To-School Shopping By The Numbers appeared first on The Onion.
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The Onion
| Link | https://theonion.com/ |
| Feed | https://www.theonion.com/rss |
| Updated | 2025-11-05 18:04 |
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by The Onion Staff on (#6Q180)
Both former President Donald Trump and Vice President Kamala Harris have called for an end to taxes on tips, though many cite that tipped workers are often not subject to federal taxes due to low income. What do you think?The post Trump, Harris Both Call For No Tax On Tips appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6Q14Z)
ATLANTA-Noting that everything was most likely exactly as it should be, sources confirmed Friday that a screaming man lying on the ground was probably supposed to be there. I assume the powers that be are aware this guy is there and it's all going according to protocol," said passerby Jen Pemberton, adding that the multiple [...]The post Screaming Man Lying On The Ground Supposed To Be There Probably appeared first on The Onion.
by The Onion Staff on (#6Q150)
WASHINGTON-Asking whether he was somehow still running for president or promoting an upcoming reality show, the nation was reportedly confused Friday as to why Joe Biden was still on television sometimes. I saw him on TV the other day and immediately assumed he had died or was sick or something, because why else would I [...]The post Nation Confused As To Why Joe Biden Still On TV Sometimes appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6Q0QM)
MALIBU, CA-According to a statement issued by Robert F. Kennedy Jr., Robert F. Kennedy Jr. received an offer Thursday for multiple Cabinet positions in a potential administration of Robert F. Kennedy Jr. I am honored that a leader as admirable as RFK Jr. would consider RFK Jr. for positions as important as secretary of state, [...]The post RFK Jr. Offered Multiple Cabinet Positions In RFK Jr.'s Administration, RFK Jr. Reports appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6Q0QN)
KNOXVILLE, TN-Telling viewers to nut the hell up because the channel wasn't fucking around, Home and Garden Television announced Friday that it had released a new show calledStraight White Gentrifiers.Big news HGTV fans: We're done acting like total fucking pussies, and this September,Straight White Gentrifiersis going right for the jugular," said HGTV programming executive Loren [...]The post HGTV Not Fucking Around With Show Called Straight White Gentrifiers' appeared first on The Onion.
by The Onion Staff on (#6Q0QP)
ALEXANDRIA, VA-Amid yet another season of record-breaking temperatures, a growing number of affluent Americans have chosen to beat the heat by summering on a cooler planet, according to a new report released Thursday by the American Society of Travel Advisors. Between June and August of this year, wealthy travelers have fled the Earth in droves, [...]The post More Affluent Americans Beating Heat By Summering On Cooler Planet appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6Q0QQ)
CHICAGO-Expressing deep apprehension about how such a thing could ever come to pass, the U.S. populace confirmed Thursday that it was deeply wary of a suddenly usable website. So what's the catch here-they're trying to make it look nice so they can steal my information?" said Bronx resident Alison Myer, one of 340 million Americans [...]The post Nation Wary Of Suddenly Usable Website appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6Q0QR)
An Associated Press analysis of federal hospital investigations found that more than 100 pregnant women in medical distress who sought help from emergency rooms were turned away or negligently treated since 2022, with the Center for Reproductive Rights asking the government to investigate whether the hospitals violated a federal law. What doyou think?The post Pregnant Women Turned Away From ERs Despite Federal Law appeared first on The Onion.
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on (#6Q08W)
An Associated Press analysis of federal hospital investigations found that more than 100 pregnant women in medical distress who sought help from emergency rooms were turned away or negligently treated since 2022, with the Center for Reproductive Rights asking the government to investigate whether the hospitals...Read more...
by The Onion Staff on (#6Q0QS)
IOWA CITY, IA-Framing the offer as an enriching opportunity for exercise and a fun change of pace, area marketing manager Kyle Sanchez asked Thursday if his coworker Brittany Price might be interested in reliving her childhood trauma on their work volleyball team. Hey, we're looking for a few more people for the team-would you be [...]The post Coworker Asks If Woman Interested In Reliving Childhood Trauma On Work Volleyball Team appeared first on The Onion.
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on (#6Q08X)
IOWA CITY, IA-Framing the offer as an enriching opportunity for exercise and a fun change of pace, area marketing manager Kyle Sanchez asked Thursday if his coworker Brittany Price might be interested in reliving her childhood trauma on their work volleyball team. Hey, we're looking for a few more people for the...Read more...
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by The Onion Staff on (#6Q0QT)
SEATTLE-Reiterating his staunch commitment to the dignity and privacy of his patients, area ob-gyn Dr. Paul Wasserman assured patient Tina Quincy on Friday that he respected doctor-slut confidentiality. I swore a Hippocratic Oath that requires me to keep any hookups, make-out sessions, or wild one-night stands you've engaged in strictly between you and me, so [...]The post Ob-Gyn Assures Woman He Respects Doctor-Slut Confidentiality appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6Q0QV)
SHENZHEN, CHINA-Wandering nude among the hollowed-out foundations where apartment buildings and factories once stood, Chinese citizens reported Friday that their nation had been reduced to a barren wasteland after exporting every last physical object in the country. We turned quite the profit after we sold our car, clothes, furniture, and house-which was shipped as a [...]The post China Reduced To Barren Wasteland After Exporting Every Last Object appeared first on The Onion.
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on (#6PYQX)
Former President Donald Trump's campaign said some internal communications have been hacked, blaming the Iranian government and citing past hostilities between Trump and Iran without providing direct evidence. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6PYQY)
WASHINGTON-Lambasting the Democratic vice presidential candidate across social media platforms, J.D. Vance reportedly accused Minnesota Gov. Tim Walz Tuesday of stolen valor for wearing an apron that said Grill Master." Tim Walz is a liar-he has never attained the rank of grill master," said Vance, attacking Walz...Read more...
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on (#6PYNG)
THE HEAVENS-Sipping on a Diet Coke as He described the mix of alcohol and pills He had lived off of for years, a newly sober God admitted Tuesday that He had no recollection of creating the universe. Everyone tells Me I made light and darkness, sea and sky, but to be honest, I was blacked out for most of that...Read more...
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on (#6PYA3)
CAMBRIDGE, MA-Lending credence to the already widespread theory about the young man you fancy, an imaginary study published Tuesday by Harvard University found that your crush wasn't texting you back because his feelings were so powerful that they frightened him. Our research strongly indicates that the guy who gives...Read more...
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on (#6PXXW)
NEWPORT BEACH, CA-Refuting accusations of stolen valor by claiming his hands were permanently stained with the blood of his enemies, Democratic vice presidential nominee Tim Walz told reporters Monday that he had killed before and would kill again. To those who have attempted to discredit my military record, let me...Read more...
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on (#6PXK0)
Three people have now died in a listeria food-poisoning outbreak linked to Boar's Head deli meats, bringing the overall number of people sickened to 43. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6PVTE)
Despite studies finding that social media may be detrimental to kids' health, many young children and teens spend much of their time on platforms such as TikTok, Instagram, and Snapchat. The Onion examines the pros and cons of letting kids use social media.
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on (#6PS3T)
After a great deal of anticipation, Democratic presidential nominee Kamala Harris picked Minnesota Gov. Tim Walz as her running mate. The Onion takes a look at the former educator and National Guard member's background.Read more...
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on (#6PRY1)
EVANSTON, IL-Fingers trembling as he hurriedly composed a message begging his mom to pick him up from the sleepover, 12-year-old Quentin Matthews was said to be horrified Tuesday by the set of mismatched towels in the bathroom of his friend's modest ranch house. Oh God, Mom, can you come get me? Their towels are all...Read more...
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on (#6PRBM)
MONTPELIER, VT-Making the announcement from the steps of the powerful organization's national headquarters, the Federated Union of Bear Cub Carcass Dumpers endorsed Robert F. Kennedy Jr. for president on Monday. The Federated Union of Bear Cub Carcass Dumpers stands 100% behind Robert F. Kennedy Jr., the only...Read more...
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on (#6PQZE)
WICHITA FALLS, TX-Forgetting partisan battles for a moment amid laughter and shrieks of Don't let it bounce," a bitterly divided U.S. populace came together Monday to keep a beach ball in the air. As much as our differences may seem like they define us, at our core all Americans share a love of not letting this...Read more...
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on (#6PPMP)
Russia, the United States, and several other countries engaged in an extraordinary 24-prisoner exchange, the largest of its kind since the Cold War and one in which President Joe Biden was directly involved. What do you think?Read more...
on (#6PP66)
Former President Trump claimed Vice President Kamala Harris became [...] Black" during a panel at the National Association of Black Journalists' annual convention, saying he didn't know she was Black until a number of years ago." What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6PP5R)
With Project 2025 calling for the criminalization of porn and age-verification laws already on the books in multiple states, The Onion examines the pros and cons of banning pornographic material.
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on (#6PP5S)
CINCINNATI-Describing the deep shame but also freedom that came with finally saying it out loud, supermarket chain Kroger recalled over 2 million packs of lettuce Friday that the company had developed a psychosexual relationship with. We apologize for the inconvenience to our loyal Kroger customers, but this morning,...Read more...
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on (#6PNPX)
Iran's Supreme Leader vowed to seek revenge against Israel for the killing of Hamas' top political leader in a predawn airstrike in the Iranian capital of Tehran, risking escalating the conflict into an all-out regional war. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6PMGD)
ACWORTH, GA-In an effort to prepare for a devastating" outcome, terrified conservative Clayton Hawkins told reporters Wednesday that he was planning to move to 1930s Austria if Donald Trump lost the presidential election. I swear to god, if Kamala Harris wins in November, you can bet I'm getting a one-way ticket to...Read more...
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on (#6PKY3)
President Joe Biden called for sweeping changes to the Supreme Court, including a constitutional amendment that would limit immunity for presidents, impose term limits for justices, and stipulate an enforceable code of ethics. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6PK0V)
WASHINGTON-Providing long-awaited insight into the attempted assassin's mental state, a report released Monday found that gunman Thomas Matthew Crooks googled How to be an enigma" before trying to kill former President Donald Trump. After reviewing the shooter's browser history, we have discovered several searches...Read more...
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on (#6PJV9)
SAN FRANCISCO-Pointing out that most of them don't even own a professional sports team, local billionaire Felix Stacey gave his millionaire friends credit Monday for keeping him humble. It's easy to become out of touch when you have billions and billions of dollars, but I can always count on my millionaire friends to...Read more...
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on (#6PJVA)
NEW YORK-Maintaining his silence in the wake of sudden tragedy, new hire Will Rorke told reporters Monday that he was not yet comfortable enough to mention that he had seen a man die on his way into the office. I wish I knew my coworkers well enough to open up about how I just witnessed a stranger drop dead from a...Read more...
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on (#6PJVB)
HILLSBORO, OR-Lambasting the verdict as cruel" and brash," 3-year-old Ian Tobler reportedly vowed Monday to appeal his parents' decision to keep his newborn baby brother. I am deeply disappointed by my parents' decision to bring Mateo home from the hospital, and I will continue to fight for justice," said Tobler,...Read more...
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on (#6PGMK)
EAST RUTHERFORD, NJ-Insisting repeatedly that they just didn't have the space, physical therapy practice Elite Recovery politely declined New York Giants quarterback Daniel Jones' offer Friday of a framed and signed game-worn jersey for the wall. That's so nice of you, and we wish we could put it up, but...Read more...
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on (#6PDYH)
WASHINGTON-Doing her best to appear elated while a large, throbbing vein protruded from her forehead, former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton said she was really, really, really happy' for Vice President Kamala Harris as she shook the presumptive Democratic nominee's hand and refused to let go of it. So, so, so...Read more...
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on (#6PDPV)
BALTIMORE-Aiming to raise awareness of the sexually transmitted disease, a new study published Tuesday by the University of Maryland School of Medicine revealed that nearly 14% of college freshmen will contract human papillomavirus by the end of their campus tour. New data shows a staggering number of incoming...Read more...
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on (#6PDPW)
WASHINGTON-A new report published Tuesday by the Pew Research Center found that 78% of Americans were too distracted by politics to appreciate the summer Glen Powell is having. Between the attempted assassination of one party's presidential candidate and a last-minute replacement of the other, more than three...Read more...
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on (#6PDPX)
SAUSALITO, CA-Stressing that she had done everything in her power to avoid medical intervention, local vet Dr. Anita Kaiser, DMV reportedly told a French bulldog Tuesday that she had bad news about her natural birth. While I know it can be hard for dogs of your breed to hear, unfortunately, centuries of inbreeding...Read more...
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on (#6PD8B)
SCHAUMBURG, IL-Admitting that he should frankly know better than to share anything at this point, local man Jason Dearborn told reporters Monday that sending a photo of a garden cucumber to his father unleashed a torrent of unbridled criticism. I texted my family a photo of what I thought was a great-looking,...Read more...
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on (#6PD8C)
WASHINGTON-Arriving for a campaign strategy session with the vice president and staring in disbelief at her frail, hunched-over form, top Democratic Party officials reportedly began panicking Monday after they discovered Kamala Harris had aged 40 years in a single night. What the hell happened to her? She was only 59...Read more...
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