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on (#6B88Z)
PENBROOK, WA—Risking her life so that she might protect the promising young generation placed in her charge, brave local teacher Amanda Twilling reportedly rushed a mass shooter in her classroom Friday to save the life of Steven Citterton, a student she was trying to sleep with. “I wasn’t going to let a strong,…Read more...
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The Onion
| Link | https://theonion.com/ |
| Feed | https://www.theonion.com/rss |
| Updated | 2025-07-07 17:45 |
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on (#6B7SV)
KANSAS CITY, MO—Overcome by anxiety after his frantic search turned up nothing, ESPN analyst Mel Kiper Jr. reportedly panicked Thursday after realizing he left his NFL Draft big board in an Uber. “Shit, shit, shit, I knew I shouldn’t have set it down on the seat beside me,” said Kiper, trying to piece together another…Read more...
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on (#6B7MR)
NEW YORK—In an effort to help the team that recently traded for him, quarterback Aaron Rodgers is said to have urged the New York Jets to trade all of their draft picks Thursday after his numerological study revealed terrible omens. “Whatever you do, you cannot, I repeat, cannot, use the 15th pick—using the 15th pick…Read more...
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on (#6B7K0)
Pope Francis will allow women to participate in an upcoming assembly of bishops as voting members for the first time this year, in his latest move to increase the presence of women in leadership roles in the Catholic Church. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6B7K1)
CHARLESTON, SC—Assuring the White House hopeful that his polling so far had been largely positive, the chair of Republican Sen. Tim Scott’s exploratory committee mentioned Thursday that GOP voters did have one big reservation about him, but that he didn’t want to say what it was. “Overall, there was plenty of…Read more...
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on (#6B735)
LA CROSSE, WI—In a formidable display of her newly acquired knowledge, local School of the Art Institute of Chicago freshman Laura Sellers excitedly told her parents all about the color blue when she was back home for a visit Thursday. “So, blue is a color—it’s sort of like purple, but completely different,” said…Read more...
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on (#6B736)
MUSTIQUE ISLAND, WEST INDIES—Expressing gratitude for a chance to finally get away from their hectic lives and actually relax for once, wealthy couple George and Jillian Wheelan told reporters Thursday they were taking a real vacation for the first time in weeks. “I can’t believe we waited so long to pull the trigger,…Read more...
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on (#6B737)
WASHINGTON—Rushing at top speed to prevent the 7-year-old from taking what was rightfully hers, Treasury Secretary Janet Yellen reportedly shoved a child out of the way Thursday to get at a quarter on the sidewalk. “Out of my fucking way, you little pissant,” said a visibly determined Yellen, who was seen throwing the…Read more...
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on (#6B6ZS)
According to a new study, nearly 72% of college students surveyed report that the reproductive health laws in the state where their school is located are important to their decision to stay enrolled. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6B6ZT)
While it took our reporters several minutes to remind the lawmakers who they were, The Onion eventually asked senators why it was acceptable to have dementia in office, and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#6B6ZV)
SAN DIEGO—With the swirling mass of discarded plastic now a colossal and permanent fixture of the ocean, a promising new report published Tuesday by researchers at the University of California, San Diego, has found that the Great Pacific Garbage Patch could support a full-scale ground war by 2040. “After extensive…Read more...
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on (#6B6CH)
EL DORADO, AR—Leaving the three children in a cramped, airless cabin with 50 bunk beds and no running water, Arkansas Gov. Sarah Huckabee Sanders reportedly dropped her kids off Wednesday at a summer work camp. “Have fun at the oil refinery!” said Sanders, reminding her children to write to their mother if they had…Read more...
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on (#6B69X)
President Joe Biden announced Tuesday that he’ll run for reelection in 2024 despite consistently low approval ratings. The Onion looks at the pros and cons of the president running for reelection.
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on (#6B69Z)
WILMINGTON, DE—Describing how she had hit the ground running in managing the incumbent’s 2024 bid, President Joe Biden’s campaign manager Julie Chávez Rodríguez said Wednesday that her job mainly involved figuring out who exactly the president meant by “Buster.” “It’s been a whirlwind couple of days that have…Read more...
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on (#6B67E)
LAS VEGAS—Debuting the high-budget sequel at this year’s CinemaCon, director Dennis Villeneuve confirmed Wednesday that Dune: Part Two will pick up right where viewers fell asleep during the first one. “I think audiences are going to love this installment, which continues the epic tale from the exact moment 30 minutes…Read more...
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on (#6B6CJ)
SKOKIE, IL—Letting out a long, resigned sigh as he once again rewatched his favorite episode, local Ted Lasso fan James Raleigh told reporters Wednesday that he had a sinking feeling that the show was for losers. “Oh, no, this show makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside and brings me genuine joy, but is that because…Read more...
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on (#6B67F)
WASHINGTON—In an effort to soothe public worry about how tech giants handled user information, social media platforms reassured the nation Wednesday that they were only selling everyone’s data to one creepy guy. “We know everyone is under the assumption that their private data is being sold to companies, advertisers,…Read more...
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on (#6B654)
On April 24, Tucker Carlson was abruptly fired from his position as a Fox News host. The Onion sits down with the conservative political commentator to discuss what happened.Read more...
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on (#6B5WE)
WASHINGTON—During a tour of the Holocaust Memorial Museum that gave him occasion to consider how he might have acted in the face of grave injustice, D.C. tourist Tyler Henley told reporters Thursday he was confident that if he had lived in Nazi Germany he would turn Jews in out of fear. “If it really came down to it,…Read more...
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on (#6B5WF)
SILVER SPRING, MD—Digging through case files for something extra tasty, the Food and Drug Administration informed consumers Wednesday that it could definitely go for evaluating a big bag of chips right now. “Oh, man, I’d kill to evaluate a huge bag of sour cream and onion chips or something,” said FDA agent Kevin…Read more...
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on (#6B5RN)
The winner of a major photography award has refused his prize after revealing he created his work using AI to test the competition and to create a discussion about the future of photography. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6B5RP)
BOSTON—Insisting that the former talk show host make amends for the real harm she had caused, laser-focused liberal Greg Lomax was reportedly still devoting all his attention this week to getting Ellen DeGeneres to apologize. “Until the day I die, I will not veer in my mission to see her issue a sincere apology for…Read more...
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on (#6B5R1)
CHICAGO—In an effort to take his young new partner under his wing, veteran police officer Trey Reynolds told rookie cop Brett Barnsdall on Wednesday that his firearm should only ever be drawn to secure early retirement, according to insiders. “A weapon as lethal as your gun should only be deployed as a last resort to…Read more...
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on (#6B4H3)
Twitter has again U-turned over its verification policy, restoring blue check marks free of charge to some celebrities and other high-profile users of the social network. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6B4H4)
TUSCALOOSA, AL—As he shook his head and chuckled to himself at how small a world it was, sources reported Tuesday that local deadbeat dad Clayton Fowler had walked out on so many women and the children he fathered with them that he had accidentally abandoned his way back to his original family. “Ha, what do you know?…Read more...
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on (#6B4H5)
WASHINGTON—Noting that over 100,000 positions in the burgeoning sector had been added to the economy in the past month alone, a new report released Tuesday by the Labor Department found an encouraging rise in jobs that involve torturing somebody. “We’ve seen a massive spike in jobs that involve inflicting unfathomable…Read more...
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on (#6B4FP)
With an uptick in Americans getting shot simply for going to the wrong driveway, house, or car, The Onion asked gun owners to comment on “stand your ground” laws, and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#6B3WH)
AUSTIN, TX—In an effort to reinforce the fundamental Judeo-Christian values upon which the nation was founded, a new law passed Monday by the Texas Legislature will require the state’s public schools to prominently display an image of God hung like a horse in every classroom. “This measure ensures that any student…Read more...
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on (#6B3WJ)
WASHINGTON—According to the results of a new poll released Monday by Gallup, a majority of Americans stated they would respect President Joe Biden more if he shot them. “We found that Biden’s favorability among Americans on all ends of the political spectrum would increase to 75% if the president were to break into…Read more...
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on (#6B3DP)
Like many corporations across the country, Fox News requires its employees to complete annual racial discrimination training to foster accountability and community in the workplace. Here’s what the media giant uses to keep its workers in compliance with HR.Read more...
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on (#6B1GK)
SpaceX’s Starship rocket, the most powerful ever built, blasted off on an unpiloted maiden flight Thursday, flying for more than two minutes before exploding. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6B1GM)
WASHINGTON—Warning that Americans should stay vigilant in the face of the disturbing trend, authorities reported an increase in threats Friday from any slight movements appearing out of the corner of your eye. “Even if you see some sort of vague blur looming in your periphery, our data suggest that you are…Read more...
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on (#6B1CP)
SpaceX applicants undergo a rigorous screening process to ensure they live up to the spacecraft manufacturer’s standards. Do you have what it takes to pass the company’s aptitude test and land the job?Read more...
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on (#6B0ZP)
CABO SAN LUCAS—In a show of support for the bride-to-be who had asked them to stand by her side on her wedding day, a bachelorette party confirmed Friday that they’d spent a combined $6,000 to end up hating each other. The party, which consisted of the bride’s six closest friends, all spent over $500 on round-trip…Read more...
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on (#6B0Y2)
With the 2024 election quickly approaching, The Onion asked Republican voters what issues were most important to them, and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#6B0DE)
PHILADELPHIA—Announcing the company would dissolve its longtime partnership in light of the controversy over his fraudulent financial disclosures, telecommunications giant Comcast stated Thursday that ethical complaints against Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas had forced it to drop him as a spokesperson. “It’s…Read more...
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on (#6AZRD)
SAVANNAH, GA—Saying she hoped to find a similar opportunity in a more desirable location, area woman Kristy Molloy reportedly rejected a lifestyle that 95% of the global population will never achieve Thursday when she turned down a job in Toledo, OH. “I guess I always pictured myself living in a place with a bit more…Read more...
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