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on (#6D2D0)
SWARM #31205731-Calling the initiative a solution to one of the most pervasive threats to their species, mosquito scientists announced Tuesday an ambitious plan to eradicate Bill Gates worldwide by 2030. For decades, Bill Gates has been a global menace to mosquito-kind, but our research provides hope that we could...Read more...
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The Onion
| Link | https://theonion.com/ |
| Feed | https://www.theonion.com/rss |
| Updated | 2025-09-19 02:33 |
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on (#6D2D1)
Bank of America has been ordered by the Consumer Financial Protection Bureau to pay more than $250 million in fines and customer refunds for double-charging fees, withholding reward bonuses, and opening accounts without customers' knowledge or permission. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6D2D2)
LOS ANGELES-Chalking it up to his incredible sense of self-restraint and astute judgment, local police officer Dylan Murphy told reporters Tuesday that he was proud to say he had never once fired his gun in the 30 minutes he had served on the force. A lot of people tend to think of the police as trigger-happy, but I...Read more...
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on (#6D2AY)
TOWNSEND, MT-Expressing astonishment that he was already beginning to feel the disorienting effects of alcohol, local man Nathan Bradley, 33, told reporters Tuesday that he was surprisingly drunk after consuming no more than a dozen pints of beer. Those beers must be really strong, because my tab says I only had 12...Read more...
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on (#6D1RE)
The FDA has approved a birth control pill to be sold without a prescription for the first time in the United States, a milestone that could significantly expand access to contraception. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6D1NA)
WORCESTER, MA-Describing feelings of isolation amid a recent episode of his disorder, clinically depressed local man Steve Arroyo reportedly wished Monday that his friends would check in on him so he could insist he was fine. It'd be nice if my loved ones took the time to reach out to me and check on my well-being so...Read more...
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on (#6D1BQ)
The number of Americans who have sought out mental health treatment has nearly doubled in the past two decades ago, and with this mainstreaming of therapy comes an abuse of the field's terminology. Here are the worst ways people misuse therapy speak.Read more...
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on (#6D1BD)
TOLEDO, OH-Marveling that the Son of God had appeared to her in the most surprising of places, local woman Florence Stahl said she was amazed Monday when she saw what looked to be the face of Jesus Christ on a crucifix. It's a miracle, the image of our Our Lord and Savior has appeared before me on a wooden cross,"...Read more...
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on (#6D19R)
THE WORLD WIDE WEB-The existence of shared communal truths was dealt a critical blow at approximately 10:07 a.m. Monday, sources reported, when the last factual piece of information was deleted from the internet. This morning, an anonymous editor changed Muhammad Ali's actual birth date on Wikipedia to the wrong...Read more...
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on (#6D19S)
Leaders of a Hollywood's actors union have voted to join screenwriters in the first joint strike in more than six decades, shutting down production across the entertainment industry after talks for a new contract with studios and streaming services broke down. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6CZRC)
The Secret Service concluded its investigation into the small bag of cocaine found at the White House and has been unable to identify a suspect. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6CZRD)
BURBANK, CA- Threatening legal action against those using its intellectual property without permission, Disney announced Friday that it would begin cracking down on copyright infringement by people who pictured Mickey Mouse while masturbating. All erotic fantasies featuring Mickey Mouse, whether in his current...Read more...
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on (#6CZRG)
About half of all marriages end in divorce, in what can be an incredibly painful process for a couple to go through. The Onion offers some helpful tips for taking stress and anxiety out of a divorce.Read more...
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on (#6CZN2)
NEW YORK-Local man Matt Waggoner reportedly achieved a major personal milestone late Friday afternoon after a four-second appearance on a stadium Jumbotron marked the longest period anyone will pay attention to him in his entire life. Sources confirmed that the brief recognition the 36-year-old sales associate...Read more...
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on (#6CYSA)
LOS GATOS, CA-Touting the film as inspirational" and deeply personal," Netflix announced Thursday the debut of a new documentary that Jonah Hill has produced and directed about his attorney Marty Singer. I decided to make Singer so everyone can learn how to use aggressive tactics to make allegations go away," said...Read more...
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on (#6CYMD)
Artificial intelligence has been at the forefront of technological innovation for decades, giving rise to thrilling possibilities as well as provoking controversy about its potential consequences for humankind. The Onion presents a timeline of artificial intelligence.Read more...
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on (#6CYAG)
European drug safety officials have launched a probe into Ozempic after patients reported thoughts of suicide or self-harm. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6CY87)
SPRINGFIELD, IL-In an effort to accommodate drivers with declining cognitive function, the Illinois Department of Transportation began issuing dementia placards Thursday that would allow holders to drive on the wrong side of the highway. Starting today, drivers suffering from dementia in the state of Illinois can...Read more...
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on (#6CXPQ)
A Wimbledon umpire had to ask fans to not uncork champagne bottles while players are serving after a spectator interrupted the third-round match between Russians Anastasia Potapova and Mirra Andreeva by popping open a bottle. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6CX8R)
NEW YORK-Confirming decades of speculation about the Hollywood icon's behavior, a report released Thursday found that Tom Cruise's orgasms look and sound exactly how you'd imagine them. Our findings confirm that if you think-as many of us do-that Tom Cruise's climaxes involve him gazing with a manic and unswerving...Read more...
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on (#6CW4D)
ANNAPOLIS, MD-Seeing that her child was upset with her and hoping to provide some reassurance, loving mother Laurie Batts reportedly sat down Tuesday with her daughter Caroline to let her know that the only thing she wanted was for the girl to be different in every way possible. Honey, I know sometimes it can feel...Read more...
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on (#6CVPB)
A teacher in Italy who avoided going to work but kept collecting paychecks for over 20 years by using sick leaves, holidays, and permits to attend conferences has finally been fired by her employers. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6CVKH)
WASHINGTON-Calling the influencer-backed beverage a serious public health concern, a visibly erect Sen. Chuck Schumer (D-NY) called on the FDA Monday to investigate the 72-hour erection he had experienced as a result of drinking Logan Paul's Prime energy drink. Buyers and parents need to understand the risks involved...Read more...
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on (#6CVGD)
IRVINE, CA-Emphasizing that it often made the difference between life and death, top safety experts confirmed Monday that the best response to an active shooter situation was just being yourself. If you're trapped in a public space where a mass shooting is taking place, the worst thing you can do is try to be...Read more...
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on (#6CV8K)
NEW YORK-Shedding new light on consumer trends in the automotive industry, a new report published Monday claimed that 76 percent of tinted windows concealed a pensive celebrity pondering how disconnected they had become from the Everyman. Inside three of every four passenger vehicles with tinted windows sits a...Read more...
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on (#6CV8M)
WALTHAM, MA-In a finding providing direction to the more than 6 million Americans afflicted with the disease, a study published Monday in The New England Journal Of Medicine concluded that daily exercise could help Alzheimer's patients look hot. Even 30 minutes of exercise every other day can help stave off the...Read more...
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on (#6CSTB)
Meta's new Twitter competitor, Threads, reached over 30 million users in its first day alone, posing one of the biggest threats to the embattled social media company since Elon Musk took ownership. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6CSQB)
WASHINGTON-In response to a sharp decline in readership since 2020, desperate Washington Post publisher Fred Ryan offered new subscribers a free hand job, sources confirmed Friday. This limited-time offer to get your pud tugged by yours truly will be extended to all new and renewing subscribers until the end of the...Read more...
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on (#6CSMQ)
SAN FRANCISCO-Claiming the Meta CEO violated his intellectual property rights, Elon Musk filed a lawsuit against Mark Zuckerberg Friday for being better at profiting off someone else's idea. He clearly violated the law by copying my idea of taking another person's idea, but making way more money off it than I would...Read more...
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on (#6CSMR)
NORMAN, OK-Claiming that statewide curricula should no longer ignore this violent historical event, Oklahoma school officials announced plans Friday to begin teaching students that the Tulsa Race Massacre was a crime of passion that resulted from loving Black people too much. It's important that students are educated...Read more...
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on (#6CSA0)
In anticipation of the summer blockbuster, The Onion provides you with everything you need to know about the Barbie movie.Read more...
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on (#6CSA2)
LONDON-As the debate continues over whether European and American institutions should return artworks and objects forcibly removed from formerly colonized areas, the British Museum announced Friday that it would take a compromise route by launching its collection of stolen African artifacts into space. It's best for...Read more...
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on (#6CRPN)
SAN FRANCISCO-Emphasizing that the product was simple to use and incredibly easy to order through their mobile app, telehealth brand Hims announced Thursday that it would begin offering a new dunce cap for men who can't get hard. Starting today, all Hims customers can log on and, at the click of a button, have one of...Read more...
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on (#6CRKP)
Gov. Ron DeSantis of Florida is facing backlash for his long history of antigay remarks, both in office and on the presidential campaign trail. The Onion examines some of the most homophobic statements he's made throughout his career.Read more...
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on (#6CRDN)
ITHACA, NY-Putting her head down to avoid drawing attention to herself, Alexandra Hepp, a professor at the Cornell Lab of Ornithology, told reporters Thursday she was pretending not to recognize a bird she knew from work. Oh shit, it's that purple honeycreeper from my office," said Hepp, who turned her back toward...Read more...
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on (#6CRDP)
WASHINGTON-In an attempt by the think tank to find a model for sustainable growth of the U.S. economy, a new initiative proposed Thursday by the Economic Policy Institute would require companies to go back to naming products by combining what they do with the suffix O-Matic." Our research shows that businesses...Read more...
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on (#6CRBX)
NEW YORK-Saying even a small amount could keep him awake until the early hours of the morning, local man Pete Gutierrez told reporters Thursday that he always struggled to sleep if he had even a little bit of MDMA after 4 p.m. All it takes is just a taste of molly in the afternoon, and I'll be tossing and...Read more...
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on (#6CRBY)
Currently, the U.S. Supreme Court sits nine justices, three of whom were appointed by former President Donald Trump. The Onion asked politicians why they oppose President Biden expanding the court and appointing more justices of his own, and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#6CQXJ)
Airbnb has announced that a three-story mansion modeled after Barbie's iconic Malibu DreamHouse will be available for limited booking ahead of the release of the Barbie movie. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6CQXM)
WASHINGTON-In response to a lawsuit alleging improper communication between the U.S. government and social media companies, a federal judge blocked the White House this week from continuing to comment Good morning, beautiful" on Instagram models' posts. Following this ruling, the executive branch will no longer be...Read more...
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