The Onion

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WHIPPANY, NJ-Calling the contraceptive device a novel breakthrough in hormone-free birth control, the IUD brand Mirena unveiled a new intrauterine owl Thursday that perches near a patient's eggs to scare away sperm. This FDA-approved intrauterine owl can successfully frighten away sperm for up to eight years," said representative Quinn Hartford, who explained that the 32-millimeter [...]The post Mirena Unveils New Intrauterine Owl To Scare Sperm Away From Eggs appeared first on The Onion.

MILWAUKEE-Expressing elation over the discovery made during renovations of their newly purchased Victorian house, new homeowners Rick and Tanya Delaney were reportedly thrilled Thursday to find a pentagram carved into the hardwood floor beneath their living room carpet. It's in great shape for its age-I can't believe something this gorgeous was hidden under all that [...]The post New Homeowners Thrilled To Find Pentagram Carved Into Hardwood Floor Under Carpet appeared first on The Onion.

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ATHENS, OH-A Mexican migrant reportedly stole an occupational injury Wednesday from a hardworking American, seizing the opportunity for a broken arm from a resident who grew up in this country. I could have been the one out there fracturing my ulna and radius after falling off a truck during a nonunion contract gig, but that's [...]The post Migrant Steals Occupational Injury From Hard-Working American appeared first on The Onion.

MALIBU, CA-Groaning as his bruised head thumped along the tiled flooring, 35-year-old injured cyclist Paul Zablocki briefly regained consciousness to see Robert F. Kennedy Jr. dragging him by the legs into the former presidential candidate's kitchen, sources reported Wednesday. Confused and bleary-eyed upon awakening, Zablocki reportedly noticed a feral aroma of what seemed to be [...]The post Injured Cyclist Briefly Regains Consciousness To See RFK Jr. Dragging Him Into Kitchen appeared first on The Onion.

LOS ANGELES-Assuring him the right part would come along eventually, actor Will Bachman's agent informed him Thursday that, after a lengthy casting process, the producers of the television pilot he auditioned for had chosen to go with a dog in the role instead. It was very competitive, and you should feel proud to have gotten [...]The post Actor Informed Producers Decided To Go With A Dog For The Role appeared first on The Onion.

PALM BEACH, FL-Hoping to boost sales of her new book, Melania Trump announced Tuesday that the first 1,000 people to preorder her memoir Melania would see her face in their dreams until they die. I am so excited to be sharing my story, and I want to show my gratitude by offering a few lucky [...]The post Melania Trump Announces First 1,000 People To Preorder New Memoir Will See Her Face In Their Dreams Until Death appeared first on The Onion.

TOLEDO, OH-Saying the man's hodgepodge of threats, insults, and expletives lacked a compelling central thread, sources confirmed Tuesday that 41-year-old Ed Thassler wasn't really articulating a cohesive reason as to why the guy who cut him off in traffic should go fuck himself. I can understand that he's angry about my driving back there, but [...]The post Man Not Really Articulating Cohesive Reason Why Guy Who Cut Him Off Should Go Fuck Himself appeared first on The Onion.

WEST PALM BEACH, FL-In the wake of the second attempt on Donald Trump's life in the past three months, sources confirmed Monday that the man who allegedly attempted to shoot the 45th president of the United States, Ryan Wesley Routh, was buying AR-15s nonstop while in custody. Somehow, despite being detained and under strict police [...]The post Trump Assassination Suspect Buying AR-15s Nonstop While In Custody appeared first on The Onion.

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PHOENIX-Appealing to his base with a new line of attack against immigrants, former President Donald Trump took to the campaign trail Monday to warn that those in the country illegally were taking all the good vanity plates. Every day, people come up to me to tell me they can't get the very clever, personalized license [...]The post Trump Warns Immigrants Taking All The Good Vanity Plates appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Removing his aviators and crouching down to take a better look, U.S. Secretary of Transportation Pete Buttigieg reportedly examined a set of tire tracks Mondays and confirmed, with a swipe of his finger across the asphalt, that they were still fresh. Still warm, too," said the former South Bend, IN mayor, dabbing his finger onto [...]The post Still Fresh,' Says Crouching Pete Buttigieg Swiping Finger Across Tire Tracks On Street appeared first on The Onion.

After analyzing the skulls and brain tissue of nine people buried in a mid-17th-century Italian hospital's crypt, researchers at the University of Milan found that two had most likely used cocaine, offering the earliest evidence of cocaine use in Europe. What do you think?The post Study Finds Europeans Used Cocaine Earlier Than Once Thought appeared first on The Onion.

Recent polls show support for former President Donald Trump is falling among women voters. Here are some of the strategies Trump and his campaign staff are using to try to win women back before November. Promising to declutter their rights:Women will embrace the opportunity to simplify their lives by having fewer choices.Providing empowering female representation:To [...]The post How Trump Is Appealing To Women Voters appeared first on The Onion.

MOSCOW-Explaining that Russia's patience on the matter had finally reached a breaking point, officials in Moscow confirmed Friday they had expelled six British diplomats who would not shut up aboutDoctor Who. London must realize that their diplomats' incessant jabbering about Time Lord physiology and whether Daleks or Cybermen are stronger can only go on so [...]The post Moscow Expels 6 British Diplomats Who Would Not Shut Up About Doctor Who' appeared first on The Onion.

FOSTORIA, OH-Claiming such accounts chilled him to the very bone, Ohio resident Danny Gleisner, 53, told reporters Friday that he felt deeply disturbed by reports of Haitian immigrants in the state eating vegetables. All this I'm hearing about Haitians chopping up and eating produce just doesn't sit right with me," said Gleisner, explaining that while [...]The post Ohioan Disturbed By Reports Of Haitians Eating Vegetables appeared first on The Onion.

Researchers at Stanford University have discovered that a common yellow food dye can make skin, muscle, and connective tissues temporarily transparent in mice, with scientists able to see blood vessels in the rodent's brain after smearing it on the animal's scalp. What do you think?The post Food Dye Used In Doritos Makes Mice's Skin Transparent appeared first on The Onion.

Ultra-processed foods are a category of foods that includes frozen pizzas, sodas, and sweetened breakfast cereals.The Onionexamines the myths and facts surrounding ultra-processed foods. MYTH: Ultra-processed foods contain few nutrients. FACT: Ultra-processed foods are rich in simple carbohydrates, sodium, and trans fats. MYTH: Ultra-processed foods have little value. FACT: It's impossible to quantify how much [...]The post Ultra-Processed Foods: Myth Vs. Fact appeared first on The Onion.

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VATICAN CITY-In an effort to curb a rising number of immoral offenses, the Corps of Gendarmerie of Vatican City announced Friday the deployment of a new unit of highly trained sin-sniffing dogs. This unit of elite K-9 officers has been taught to alert their handlers to sinful behavior by loudly barking and immediately engaging the [...]The post Vatican City Police Unveil New Unit Of Sin-Sniffing Dogs appeared first on The Onion.

SAN CLEMENTE, CA-Taking a long, full sip of her wine and exclaiming that her children were miracles," local mother Jane Donahue was reportedly drunk enough Friday to start listing off the names she'd given to each of her miscarriages. Boys...boys, I don't think I ever told you, but you were supposed to have a beautiful, [...]The post Mother Drunk Enough To Start Listing Names Of Miscarriages appeared first on The Onion.

In celebration of the series's 25th anniversary, HBO has releasedWise Guy: David Chase And The Sopranos, a new two-part documentary about the making of the series featuring interviews with the creator, cast, and crew.The Onionshares the most shocking takeaways from the documentary.The post Most Shocking Takeaways From HBO's New Sopranos' Documentary appeared first on The Onion.

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CINCINNATI-Saying the new product offered its customers a way to clean up after-dinner messes with 100% less scrubbing, the dishwashing brand Dawn announced Thursday it would begin selling a small silver bell for summoning a butler to deal with the dishes. Finally, a powerful dish bell that's tough on grease but gentle on your ears," [...]The post Dawn Unveils New Small Silver Bell For Summoning Butler To Deal With Dishes appeared first on The Onion.

CHICAGO-In an act of astonishing fortitude that showed he drew upon a seemingly endless well of mystic strength, local man Anthony Palmer reportedly replied STOP" Thursday to a political fundraiser text like a powerful wizard casting a spell to ward off a mythical beast. Sources confirmed that moments after receiving the Kamala Harris fundraising message, [...]The post Man Replies STOP' To Political Fundraiser Text Like Powerful Wizard Casting Spell To Ward Off Mythical Beast appeared first on The Onion.

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Saying Gaza had experienced the worst death and destruction he had seen in his nearly eight-year tenure, U.N. Secretary-General Antonio Guterres demanded an end to the hostilities and offered U.N. support for any ceasefire. What do you think?The post U.N. Chief Calls Gaza Death Toll Worst He's Seen appeared first on The Onion.

LOS ANGELES-In an effort to better cater to its customer base, Sweetgreen unveiled an expanded line of kids' meals Wednesday for adult women with eating disorders. For years, our gaunt customers have been telling us they love the 275-calorie children's Mini Mezze, but they just wish it were smaller," said Anne Sindler, a spokesperson for [...]The post Sweetgreen Expands Line Of Kids' Meals For Adult Women With Eating Disorders appeared first on The Onion.

NEW YORK-Noting that the 5-year-old purebred ultimately meant more to them than any of their ungrateful, deadbeat children, the nation's baby boomers reportedly decided Wednesday to leave their entire $78.55 trillion fortune to a single spoiled Pomeranian. Upon our death, we formally request that our whole estate be left to dear Mitzi, the only one [...]The post Baby Boomers Leave Entire $78.55 Trillion Fortune To Single Spoiled Pomeranian appeared first on The Onion.

EVERYWHERE-Emphasizing that the creature was nowhere to be found, every child at every zoo exhibit across the planet reported Wednesday that they couldn't see the animals. Where is it? Where is it? I can't see!" said 6-year-old Oliver Saladino, echoing the sentiment of children around the world while pointing an outstretched arm at the enclosure [...]The post I Can't See It,' Reports Child At Every Zoo Exhibit appeared first on The Onion.

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WASHINGTON-Noting a distinct lack of energy and focus from the incumbent, Democratic Party officials were reportedly alarmed Tuesday by President Joe Biden's poor performance as a debate viewer. Confidence is waning among party leaders after the president's uninspiring attempt to focus during the debate tonight," said a high-ranking Democratic official, who remarked that it was [...]The post Dems Alarmed By Joe Biden's Poor Performance As Debate Viewer appeared first on The Onion.

PHILADELPHIA-In an effort to throw his Democratic opponent off balance, Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump reportedly attempted to rattle Kamala Harris during Tuesday evening's debate by turning his eyelids inside out. Kamala, hey Kamala-look over here," said the former president, who waved his arms and slapped the top of his lectern in a bid to [...]The post Trump Tries To Rattle Harris By Turning Eyelids Inside Out appeared first on The Onion.

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PHILADELPHIA-Pointing proudly while his wife took the lectern at the presidential debate, Doug Emhoff reportedly asked So, which one's yours?" while trying to make small talk with former first lady Melania Trump backstage. It's so nice to meet you, Melania, welcome to the group-does one of these little rascals belong to you, too?" asked Doug [...]The post So, Which One's Yours?' Asks Doug Emhoff Trying To Make Small Talk With Melania Backstage appeared first on The Onion.

PHILADELPHIA-Pummeling the hanging piece of meat repeatedly with profanities and jabs, former President Donald Trump was reportedly training for the presidential debate Tuesday by arguing with a side of beef. You're a terrible side of beef-maybe the worst side of beef I've ever seen," said Trump, who wiped sweat off his brow from the exertion [...]The post Trump Trains For Debate By Arguing With Side Of Beef Hanging In Meat Locker appeared first on The Onion.

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TERRE HAUTE, IN-Having confirmed his suspicions of his wife's infidelity, local husband Mark Polanco filed for divorce Monday after a DNA test revealed that the child he had been raising as his own only shared half his genes. I just can't be with someone who would do something that awful, telling me I'm the biological [...]The post Husband Files For Divorce After DNA Test Reveals Child Only Shares Half His Genes appeared first on The Onion.

DAYTON, OH-Calling the first two rough, but ultimately worth it," local 53-year-old Mark Butler confirmed Tuesday he had gotten his triple bypass reversed after deciding he wanted a third heart attack after all. Why not? There's still time," said Butler, who admitted he had been a little hasty" when he originally opted to undergo the [...]The post Man Gets Triple Bypass Reversed After Deciding He Wants Third Heart Attack appeared first on The Onion.