on (#6K5ZC)
After major losses on Super Tuesday, Nikki Haley dropped out of the presidential race, leaving Donald Trump as the only major Republican candidate in the running. What do you think?Read more...
The Onion
| Link | https://theonion.com/ |
| Feed | https://www.theonion.com/rss |
| Updated | 2026-05-09 00:00 |
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on (#6K5ZD)
WASHINGTON-Assuring her coworkers that she wouldn't have made the request if the event weren't important, Vice President Kamala Harris reportedly swapped shifts with a coworker at Orangetheory Thursday so she could attend the State of the Union address. I did a double at the front desk last week to cover for...Read more...
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on (#6K5JD)
In last week's Michigan's Democratic primary, more than 100,000 voters cast their ballots as uncommitted" in protest of President Joe Biden's support for Israel in its war in Gaza. The Onion explores the pros and cons of participating in a protest vote against the 2024 Democratic ticket.Read more...
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on (#6K5JE)
WILLOW GLEN, CA-Knowing full well that their fate had been sealed, local waitstaff at TGI Fridays watched helplessly Thursday as a limousine full of screaming 12-year-old girls pulled up in front of their restaurant. Dear God, we're doomed," said head waiter James Orsen, who stood motionless as several preteens...Read more...
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on (#6K5JF)
A new study from researchers in France found that one third of the study's 630 participants couldn't read the behavioral cues of an unhappy cat, ascribing the animal happy emotions when in fact they were signaling distress. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6K5G7)
ROQUEBRUNE-CAP-MARTIN, FRANCE-Describing a migration pattern that had a devastating effect on prehistoric neighborhoods, archaeologists from the University of California, Berkeley, announced Thursday they had uncovered the first caves gentrified by Homo sapiens. While excavating caverns in southern France, we...Read more...
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on (#6K5G8)
When it comes to the war in Gaza, news outlets in the United States largely prefer to keep descriptions vague in order to appear impartial. The following are several words besides genocide" the media uses to describe genocide.Read more...
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on (#6K5G9)
KANSAS CITY, MO-Chitchatting as he took his passenger from a funeral home to a graveside service nearby, local hearse driver Glen Holland reportedly made small talk Thursday with the corpse riding in the back of his vehicle. Going to Elmwood Cemetery, huh?" Holland said to the man who had died from multiple gunshot...Read more...
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on (#6K54G)
Sen. Kyrsten Sinema (I-AZ) announced that she will not seek reelection, leaving just one term after winning as a Democrat and leaving the party to become an independent. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6K4TY)
CONCORD, CA-Assuring the single 37-year-old that she had already vetted the prospective suitor, local mom Tina Salerno announced Wednesday that she would like to set her daughter Anna Salerno up with the nice man from the salad dressing label. Honey, don't be mad, but there's a man I'd like you to meet who is...Read more...
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on (#6K4MD)
After attempts to ban abortion, birth control, and IVF, some people think the next conservative target will be sexual intercourse outside of marriage. The Onion asked conservatives why casual sex should be illegal, and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#6K4ME)
During U2's final performance at the Las Vegas Sphere, Bono dedicated the song All I Want Is You' to Jill Biden, who was in attendance, saying This song, when we wrote it, I tried to write the lyrics from the point of view of the woman or the bride [...]. And one woman in particular who is with us tonight, she's a...Read more...
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on (#6K4J3)
HINSDALE, IL-Barely audible through their snack-cake-stuffed cheeks, members of the American Nutrition Association said fuck it Wednesday after discovering Little Debbie desserts. Oh my God, forget everything I said about ultra-processed foods-these things are incredible," said registered dietitian Veronica Chernov,...Read more...
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on (#6K4J4)
WASHINGTON-Noting how much better things used to be for those struggling financially, Americans across the country confirmed Wednesday that they longed for the days when poverty mostly meant making a monkey dance on the street for cash. Just a few decades ago, being below the poverty line was way more tolerable, and...Read more...
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on (#6K4J5)
CUPERTINO, CA-Touting the product as the smallest virtual reality headset in the world, Apple held a keynote presentation at its headquarters Wednesday to unveil a brand-new product, the Apple Vision Pro Mini. When it comes to spatial computing, the Apple Vision Pro was just the first step, and our latest model fits...Read more...
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on (#6K444)
French legislators voted 780-72 in favor of an amendment guaranteeing women's right to abortion access in their Constitution, becoming the first country in the world to do so. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6K3KQ)
COLUMBUS, OH-According to a new study published Tuesday in the Journal Of Personality And Social Psychology, researchers at the Ohio State University found that people were most confident while unaware that the fly of their pants was undone. We found a tremendously strong correlation between walking into a room with...Read more...
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on (#6K3KR)
THE INFINITE-In a dominant electoral showing that stretched across the unified field of consciousness, author and politician Marianne Williamson successfully primaried President Biden Tuesday in all 63 counties of the Astral Plane, according to cosmic sources. This win is sure to impact Williamson's candidacy-not...Read more...
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on (#6K32X)
IOWA CITY, IA-Revealing that the gut-wrenching" decision had taken months to make, 22-year-old Caitlin Clark announced Monday that she would be leaving the University of Iowa's basketball program for drama club. Although these past four years playing for this team have been amazing, I know in my heart I belong in...Read more...
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on (#6K2R3)
As the world grapples with the horrors of the Israel-Hamas war, many people trying to stay up to date with the situation are finding the media's coverage lacking for myriad reasons, but exactly what accurate reporting on the conflict looks like is difficult to define. The Onion asked Americans what balanced coverage...Read more...
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on (#6K2R4)
During a TV interview, Kellogg's CEO Gary Pilnick stated that those struggling to pay for food should just eat cereal for dinner, sparking outrage about companies profiting from inflation with some even calling for a boycott of Kellogg's products. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6K2QF)
ALLENTOWN, PA-Exchanging tales of license suspensions and alcohol highway safety classes, alumni of William Allen High School reportedly spent their 20-year high school reunion last weekend catching up on each other's DUIs. No fucking way-I think we have the same probation officer!" said 38-year-old Caleb Rice, who...Read more...
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on (#6K2QG)
PALM BEACH, FL-Repeatedly opening and closing the browser window for his bank's website, former President Donald Trump told reporters Monday that he was scared to check his credit score. I can't do it-I just can't do it," said Trump, who admitted that he hadn't paid off his credit card in weeks and grimaced as he...Read more...
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on (#6K2P4)
DENVER-Charging a premium for the highly sought-after amenity, an apartment listing posted Monday reportedly counted the toilet as storage space. Bathroom features extra storage in the tank behind the toilet," the listing read in part, explaining that the toilet was perfect for storing personal hygiene products or...Read more...
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on (#6K18R)
Joe Biden and Donald Trump took competing visits to the U.S.-Mexico border yesterday, both in an effort to show voters that their stance on immigration is the better one, as the increase in immigration during the last four years has become a primary concern in the 2024 election. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6K167)
CUPERTINO, CA-Stunning fans and investors who had long assumed the company's electric car project was dead, CEO Tim Cook took the stage at an Apple keynote event Friday to announce the Apple Vision Pro has been an autonomous vehicle all along. Not only are plans for an Apple electric vehicle not canceled-it's been on...Read more...
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on (#6K0XE)
ESCONDIDO, CA-Instituting a sustainability policy intended to make the facility more eco-friendly, Sacred Heart Medical Center announced Friday that it was switching to reusable canvas blood bags. We have begun phasing out traditional plastic blood bags and replacing them with an alternative that is made from...Read more...
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on (#6K0TF)
Lured by AI-generated images of an immersive Willy Wonka Experience in Glasgow, families across Scotland bought a total of 850 tickets to an event hosted by the House of Illuminati only to arrive at a half-empty warehouse in a shock that left parents outraged, children crying, and police called to the scene. What do yo...Read more...
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on (#6K0TG)
WASHINGTON-Requesting something useless and disposable that wouldn't break the bank, the American populace announced Friday that it just wanted a shitty version that didn't last long for cheap. We definitely would like to have one of those things, but only if it costs almost nothing, breaks immediately, and is...Read more...
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on (#6K097)
WASHINGTON-In what many of his congressional colleagues have described as the most noble act of his storied career, Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-KY) announced Thursday that upon his death, he would donate his body to lobbyists for research. By studying this extraordinary specimen capable of such...Read more...
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on (#6K098)
WASHINGTON-Detecting signs of life only after a lengthy period of cutting open the commander-in-chief's bodily cavities and examining the organs inside, White House physician Kevin O'Connor is said to have mistakenly performed an autopsy Thursday for the first 10 minutes of President Joe Biden's annual physical....Read more...
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on (#6K099)
Sen. Mitch McConnell will step down as Republican party leader at the end of this year after 17 years in the position, though he will remain in the Senate. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6K062)
This is a developing story. Please check theonion.com for more.Read more...
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on (#6K063)
Since the war in Gaza began, members of the Israeli Defense Forces have uploaded viral videos in which they brag about-and often show themselves- destroying Palestinian homes, universities, and hospitals. The Onion examines the pros and cons of allowing Israeli soldiers to continue posting on TikTok.Read more...
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on (#6JZW6)
In vitro fertilization is believed to have helped couples conceive more than 10 million children since 1978. But a state court's ruling that embryos in a lab have the same rights as children has led Alabama fertility clinics to stop offering the procedure. Take this quiz to see how much you actually know about the...Read more...
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on (#6JZW7)
NESSEBAR, BULGARIA-Lamenting that such an enterprise could never exist in the United States, vacationing sources confirmed Thursday that the foreign zoo they were visiting had a cage where they could box a lion. Wow, for the equivalent of just one American dollar, anyone can apparently enter the cage and spend 30...Read more...
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on (#6JZW8)
NEW YORK-In an effort to cut costs and modernize its core business, department store chain Macy's announced a major restructuring this week, saying it would close 150 of its stores to focus on its Indonesian terrorism division. This isn't about downsizing, but instead about shifting our portfolio to reflect current...Read more...
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on (#6JZW9)
NEW YORK-Moaning with pleasure as they revealed that this was exactly what Daddy needed, the nation's sick freaks held a press conference Friday to announce their plans to get off on that. Oh yeah, baby, that's exactly the crazy shit that'll ring our cherries," said Carl Dabrowski, one of dozens of the nation's...Read more...
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on (#6JZWA)
WASHINGTON-In a trend that is reducing the nation's dependence on fossil fuels by curtailing the total number of cars on the road, a study released Thursday by the Transportation Department found that more Americans than ever are commuting to work splattered on the grill of a Ford F-150. Increasingly, U.S....Read more...
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on (#6JZVG)
GAITHERSBURG, MD-Pressing the recently used and dripping wet plunger up to his mouth and nose, local child Caden Liu announced, It's me, Pinocchio," on Thursday. Look, Daddy, look! My nose is long, just like Pinocchio!" said the visibly excited 5-year-old, who reportedly had raw sewage running down his...Read more...
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on (#6JZSV)
Beginning in 2025, Wendy's will begin testing surge pricing, also known as dynamic pricing, a strategy that raises and lowers prices in response to real-time demand, as part of a $20 million investment in digital menu boards throughout the U.S. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6JZ8K)
According to documents recently obtained by The New York Times, lead-tainted applesauce pouches passed through multiple checkpoints meant to protect the public for weeks before the issue was caught and the product recalled last year, causing more than 400 infants and toddlers to be poisoned. What do you think?Read more...
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