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on (#60MQF)
SUGAR LAND, TX—Sighing in disappointment at the threadbare narrative techniques on display, local man Leeland Cheney, 43, told reporters Wednesday that he found a zoetrope a little thin on plot. “Of course, it’s technically impressive, but the high-octane thrills of a horse galloping up and down can only keep a…Read more...
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The Onion
| Link | https://theonion.com/ |
| Feed | https://www.theonion.com/rss |
| Updated | 2024-11-23 23:15 |
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on (#60MNK)
HUTCHINSON, KS—Saying he always made sure to enjoy the annual respite from his many tormentors, local 11-year-old Liam Barlow told reporters Wednesday he was savoring the week between being bullied at school and being bullied at camp. “I’ve really been enjoying this little break I get where no one is knocking me on my…Read more...
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on (#60K7N)
After taking a hard-line stance on issues like abortion, trans rights, and gun control, Gov. Greg Abbott is up for reelection in Texas. The Onion asked supporters why they are voting for him, and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#60K64)
EL DORADO, KS—Saying he’d had time to work through many of his personal issues, El Dorado Correctional Facility inmate and serial murderer Dennis Rader, known as the BTK killer, told reporters Tuesday he was ready to start dating again. “Though I haven’t been the best partner—or even person—in the past, I’ve done a…Read more...
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on (#60K5T)
WASHINGTON—Noting that such behavior pointed to a textbook diagnosis of the psychological disorder, Georgetown University mental health researchers released a study Tuesday warning that the lack of purpose, accomplishments, and all-around drive among the nation’s Democratic leaders could be a sign they are depressed.…Read more...
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on (#60J51)
Scientists in China have claimed that the country’s enormous “Sky Eye” telescope may have picked up trace signals from a distant alien civilization in a recently posted and subsequently deleted report. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#60J50)
NEW YORK—Reversing long-held theories about the potentially devastating effects of climate change, scientists published an encouraging report Monday that found most of the planet would still be habitable in 2023. “While many are understandably nervous about the future of our rapidly changing world, our data…Read more...
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on (#60J4Z)
LOS ANGELES—Alarmed by what she called “confident and carefree behavior,” a superior court judge reportedly placed Britney Spears back under a conservatorship Monday after determining the pop star was having too much fun. “Ms. Spears is clearly having the time of her life in a way I find extremely concerning,” said…Read more...
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on (#60J4Y)
HOUSTON—Drawing upon their own experience growing up in the church, local Christian married couple Jonathan and Rebecca Bell have encouraged their daughter to save herself for a church leader, sources confirmed Monday. “Whether he’s a minister, youth pastor, or high-ranking member on the executive committee, we…Read more...
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on (#60J3B)
In perhaps its most shocking takeaway, the Jan. 6 committee revealed the election was rigged.Read more...
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on (#60FJE)
OAK PARK, IL—Upon receiving information that dispelled his previously held notion that the woman was just “a real jet-setter,” local man Josh Novak was reportedly surprised to learn Friday that his grandmother didn’t exactly live in six countries because she loved to travel. “I always thought travel was Grandma’s…Read more...
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on (#60FFQ)
A recently translated 2,000-year-old Greek marble tablet is being recognized as a primitive version of a yearbook that includes the signatures of students completing ephebate, a military training and civic education program of the era. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#60E49)
WASHINGTON—Wrapping her leather-gloved hand around the throttle of a vintage Harley-Davidson, Treasury Secretary Janet Yellen folded up a picture of a highly volatile new cryptocurrency, revved her bike’s engine, and sped away in pursuit, sources at the scene reported Thursday. “You can run, but you can’t stay…Read more...
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on (#60E25)
Ohio Gov. Mike DeWine (R) signed a new bill into law that makes it easier for teachers and staff to carry guns on school premises, reducing the hours of training required for armed school personnel from 700 to 24. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#60E24)
Dads. Almost everyone has between one and one thousand, and it’s about time to give them their due. This Father’s Day, you don’t want to be the only one who isn’t lavishing your special dad or 1,000 dads with a gift that speaks to their own special interests. The Onion provides recommendations for the best Father’s…Read more...
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on (#60BZR)
Jennifer Hudson has won a Tony award for coproducing this year’s Best Musical winner, A Strange Loop, earning her the elite EGOT status, a distinction held by any artist who has won an Emmy, Grammy, Oscar, and a Tony Award in their career. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#60BX1)
WASHINGTON—Revealing the punishing extent to which consumers were feeling the strain of rising prices, a new study from the Pew Research Center found Tuesday that inflation was forcing more Americans to choose between buying groceries or an Aston Martin DBS. “With the prices of supermarket staples like milk and bread…Read more...
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on (#60AEF)
HGTV makes home renovations look fast, easy, and fun, but the truth is, they have a dark side. The Onion asked the network’s stars how they cut corners behind the scenes, and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#609ZJ)
WASHINGTON—In keeping with its mission to address the nation’s environmental challenges, the Department of Energy introduced a new program Monday that provides pedestrians and cyclists with economic incentives to switch to electric vehicles. “As the effects of climate change worsen, we can no longer rely upon…Read more...
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on (#607PA)
The FBI have arrested Ryan Kelley, one of five Michigan Republican gubernatorial candidates, for his role in the Jan. 6 attack on the U.S. Capitol, after a video captured Kelley in a crowd assaulting and pushing past Capitol police. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#607PB)
American Idol debuted on June 11, 2002, and the reality singing competition has delivered its share of crazy moments over its 20 seasons and counting. The Onion looks back at the show’s most memorable moments as American Idol celebrates its 20th anniversary.
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on (#607H9)
WASHINGTON—Outraged by reports of the family-friendly LGBTQ pride events, conservative pundits and lawmakers across the country warned Friday that watching drag queen performances could turn children into attention seekers. “Our impressionable young children are at risk of becoming brash, bold performers attempting to…Read more...
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on (#607EG)
BISMARCK, ND—Explaining that they wanted to be prepared on the off-chance there might be interest, North Dakota officials announced Friday that the state had finished construction on a billion-dollar stadium just in case some NFL franchise got desperate. “Look, we know we’re not anybody’s top choice, but we figured…Read more...
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on (#607EH)
NORFOLK, VA—In a dark, 30-second spot that has reportedly shocked and disgusted millions of viewers, People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals ran an unsettling ad Friday in which a sobbing hamburger is seen giving a man a blow job. “Does this look ethical to you?” read words that appear onscreen in the commercial,…Read more...
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on (#607B7)
Brands, take note: Everyone can tell when you’re being supportive vs. when you’re being cringe. In honor of Pride Month, here are the most misguided corporate pride campaigns of all time.Read more...
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on (#6077V)
LOS ANGELES—Reflecting on the relationship portrayed in the iconic 1993 blockbuster, Laura Dern and her co-starring T. rex spoke to reporters Friday and reconsidered their 68 million year age gap in the original Jurassic Park film. “It just seems a bit inappropriate that someone who grew up in the late Cretaceous…Read more...
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on (#6077W)
PARIS—Calling the drug the perfect solution for people who struggled to enjoy themselves, pharmaceutical company Sanofi unveiled Friday a new formulation of Ambien that it described as an extended-release, 48-hour weekend getaway sleeping pill. “Take just one of these pills Friday evening, and you’ll wake up Sunday…Read more...
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on (#60747)
BUENOS AIRES—In a statement expressing deep contrition for its role in harboring the infernal criminals, the government of Argentina confirmed Thursday that hundreds of demons hid out in the nation for decades after the Great War Between Heaven and Hell. “Today, we apologize for our nation’s unforgivable choice…Read more...
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on (#60746)
This summer, every state will be rolling out 988 as the new National Suicide Prevention Lifeline number to call for mental health crises, similar to how people can call 911 for medical emergencies. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#606AB)
A new poll found that 44% of Republican voters surveyed say that mass shootings are “something we have to accept as part of a free society,” while 85% of Democrats and 73% of Independents say they are preventable “if we really tried.” What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6067P)
WASHINGTON—In an effort to prevent further gun deaths among minors, Congress passed a new law Thursday safeguarding 50 million children from threats of gun violence by adding them to the Supreme Court. “This law will do the important work of protecting these kids from those who wish to harm them with guns by putting…Read more...
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on (#605TT)
On Feb. 24, 2022, Russia invaded Ukraine. The Onion interviewed Ukrainians and asked them to reflect on the first 100 days of war. This is what they said.Read more...
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on (#604C6)
Friday, June 3, marked 100 days since Russia launched an invasion of Ukraine, and the war shows no signs of ending. The Onion looks back at the conflict’s key events so far.
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on (#6049X)
Apple has revealed that users will soon be able to delete and edit iMessages after they have been sent, a feature that will be available later this year in an iOS 16 update. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6049W)
SAN FRANCISCO—In an effort to make transactions “easier than ever,” financial services conglomerate Visa announced Wednesday that consumers could now insert, swipe, tap, bend, clap, roll, shove, throw, dangle, slide, or whack their cards to complete a purchase. “Push it, bounce it, bash it, scratch it—using your Visa…Read more...
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on (#6049T)
The National Rifle Association continues to be a major lobbying force in American politics, shaping the agenda in Washington through targeted donations. The Onion asked members of Congress why they accepted these donations, and this is how they responded.Read more...
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on (#6049S)
CLEVELAND—In the wake of news headlines detailing yet another scandal involving the NFL quarterback, Deshaun Watson admitted to reporters Wednesday that he was seriously rethinking his life choices after finding himself on the Cleveland Browns. “There’s no clearer sign that you’ve completely hit rock bottom than…Read more...
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on (#6049R)
MILWAUKEE—Amid a continuing labor shortage impacting small towns and cities across the country, officials warned Wednesday that the inability to fill lifeguard positions could postpone thousands of sexual awakenings. “Without anyone jogging along the beach while their breasts move up and down in slow motion, we fear…Read more...
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on (#603J0)
Florida Gov. Ron DeSantis blocked state funding for a new Tampa Bay Rays training facility in part because the baseball team spoke out against gun violence in the wake of back-to-back gun-related massacres in Uvalde, TX and Buffalo, NY. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#603EE)
WASHINGTON—Delivering a stern warning to all 330 million Americans, the nation’s moms announced at a press conference Tuesday that there are some real nutty people out there. “You really have to be alert out there, because you never know who’s a bit off,” Martha Thorburn said on behalf of the country’s mothers, while…Read more...
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