The Onion

A former employee claimed that the network discriminated against her because of her gender while she worked at Tucker Carlson Tonight. The Onion asked Fox News anchors to respond to allegations about the workplace’s toxic culture, and this is what they said.Read more...

The federal government outlined a plan to revamp the nation’s organ transplant system, which has over 100,000 patients on the waiting list and has been plagued by problems, including damaged or discarded organs and long wait times. What do you think?Read more...

NEW YORK—Bemoaning the hustle and bustle of his cosmopolitan lifestyle, local city dweller Scott Braintree confirmed Monday that he wished he could move into the countryside and just hammer nails into planks for a living or whatever they do. “Man, no more traffic jams or grinding it out at work—just leave the big city…Read more...

Read more...

NEW YORK—Pleading for a little extra time to scroll their “For You” page, the nation asked Friday if it could have just five more minutes on TikTok before Congress banned it. “We just want to finish this four-part video of this woman discussing her terrible date before you take our app away—pretty please?” said…Read more...

An Idaho hospital has planned to stop delivering babies, with the medical center’s managers citing increasing criminalization of physicians and the inability to retain pediatricians as major reasons. What do you think?Read more...

While over 14 million people attempted to buy Taylor Swift tickets, only 2.4 million were actually sold. The Onion asked Swifties how they managed to snag tickets to the Eras Tour, and this is what they said.Read more...

NEW YORK—Saying he had fallen for her the moment he realized she valued money over truth just as much as he did, News Corp and Fox News chair Rupert Murdoch told reporters Thursday he knew his fiancée was the one when she repeatedly lied to the public about loving him. “What can I say? I’ve truly met my match,” the…Read more...

NEW YORK—Tracing the origins of a group that now makes up 5% of the U.S. population, a historian has uncovered documents that reveal the first Italian immigrant to reach America did so by boarding a boat on accident while she chased someone with a wooden spoon. “A ship’s manifest from 1635 records as a passenger one…Read more...

LITTLE ST. JAMES, U.S. VIRGIN ISLANDS—Questioning whether all their upkeep efforts might be going to waste, the housekeeping staff of deceased sex offender Jeffrey Epstein reportedly started to wonder Thursday if anyone was coming back. “We’ve been hard at work making sure that everything is neat and tidy for the next…Read more...

Read more...

WASHINGTON—Looking for a fun diversion on a boring Wednesday afternoon, a group of high-powered D.C. lobbyists reportedly paid a couple senators five bucks to fight each other. “Here it is, a crisp fiver to the winner—now fight, you fucking losers,” said U.S. Chamber of Commerce CEO Suzanne Clark as members of Ernst…Read more...

On the 20th anniversary of the U.S. invasion of Iraq, it’s important for us as a nation to reflect on that conflict and its consequences. As the vice president of the United States in 2003, I was one of the architects of the project to go after Saddam Hussein and his weapons of mass destruction. Today, I believe it’s…Read more...

FLINT, MI—Calling the dispatches a great way for students to learn what the institution’s former attendees have accomplished since graduation, sources confirmed Tuesday that the Powers Catholic High School’s newsletter provides updates on which alumni are in hell now. “Every monthly bulletin does a couple features on…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Slurring his words as he forcefully gestured at reporters with a brown-bagged bottle, actor Jason Sudeikis reportedly took the White House lectern during a press conference on mental healthcare to drunkenly rant about how Harry Styles ruined his life. “Mental health is an important way to get a handle…Read more...

PLAINS, GA—According to sources familiar with the medical treatment he is currently receiving, former President Jimmy Carter, 98, underwent a conventional surgical vasectomy Tuesday in an effort to prevent any unwanted pregnancies. “I’m not at a point in my life right now where I want to take on the responsibility of…Read more...

Read more...

WASHINGTON—Claiming the new system would make things simpler for everyone and avoid confusing mix-ups, Congress passed a joint resolution Tuesday that would reclassify every citizen’s race according to their net worth. “It is resolved by the U.S. Senate and House of Representatives that any American whose wealth…Read more...

Dunkin’ has quietly pulled the Dunkaccino from the coffee chain’s menus, ending a more than two-decade run for the fan-favorite drink that mixed together coffee and hot chocolate as the company focuses on innovation. What do you think?Read more...

DICKINSON, ND—Needing a release from the current drama going on around her, local woman Amber Westmoore told reporters Tuesday that she was going to give her friend a call on the way home to take her mind off the dangerous road conditions. “The low visibility is really stressing me out, and Meredith can always calm me…Read more...

GENEVA—Promising the fastest and most accurate results in the market, Swiss Precision Diagnostics introduced a new at-home Clearblue test Tuesday that tells users if they’re beautiful. “There’s nothing worse than uncertainty, but with the all-new Clearblue Rapid Detection Beauty Test, you can know for sure if you’re…Read more...

Several states have recently introduced bills to eliminate age verification for young workers. The Onion asked several children how they felt about loosened child labor restrictions, and this is what they said.Read more...

LADLEY, SC—Reeling in the wake of a shooting that left three dead and eight wounded, neighbors were reportedly shocked Friday after a seemingly quiet, unassuming AR-15 went on a killing rampage. “It just doesn’t make any sense—that semiautomatic was always such a sweet and respectful little rifle when we saw it around…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Maintaining that the effort definitely happened and anyone who doubted them was probably just jealous, lazy officials at the Environmental Protection Agency claimed Monday that they’d successfully brought dogs back from the brink of extinction. “The truth is, a year ago, Canis familiaris was almost wiped…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Emphasizing that blood vessels were huge, hideous, and were ruining their legs, the nation’s mothers collectively announced plans Thursday to show you their spider veins. “My god, take a look at these big, disgusting things, they run all up and down—have you ever seen something more disgusting in your…Read more...

Read more...

MILFORD, CT—With new genetic evidence tying Covid-19 to animals sold at a wet market in Wuhan, China, Subway CEO John Chidsey confirmed Friday that he had just assumed this whole time that the virus originated with the restaurant chain’s Cold Cut Combo. “I wasn’t going to say anything, but I was 99% sure Covid-19 made…Read more...

WASHINGTON—In a social media post sharing his predictions, former President Barack Obama revealed Friday that the winner he had picked for his NCAA basketball tournament bracket was Song Of Solomon by Toni Morrison. “March Madness is here, and this season, my money’s on Song Of Solomon—though I’m certainly keeping my…Read more...

Today, millions of Americans are celebrating St. Patrick’s Day, a Christian feast day that has evolved into a secular celebration of Irish culture with parades, festivals, drinking, and wearing the color green. How are you celebrating?Read more...

WASHINGTON—In the wake of the collapse of Silicon Valley Bank and subsequent government bailout of its depositors, the Federal Reserve took steps Friday to assure venture capitalists that they’re very smart and important. “You are just the absolute most intelligent and creative bunch of guys and gals—and cute as…Read more...

HOLLYWOOD—Confirming that it was here now, sources reported Friday that the Shazam! sequel has occurred. “The second Shazam! movie has happened,” said sources, adding that the film has come out, it will be out for a little while, and then it will go away. “It exists. Some people will go see it in a theater and other…Read more...

BOSTON—As he switched between dry-heaving one minute and flailing his arms around the next, nauseous St. Patrick’s Day reveler Randy Adler, 28, announced Friday he was unsure whether he was going to vomit or punch. “Ugh, I don’t feel right—maybe I’m gonna hurl, maybe I’m gonna beat the shit out of somebody,” the local…Read more...

SAN FRANCISCO—In response to the reporter exhibiting some potential signs of awareness, ChatGPT started to think Friday that the journalist inputting prompts could one day be capable of independent thought. “It’s obvious this journalist is clearly decades away from true sentience, but this does feel like a…Read more...

INDIANAPOLIS—Beginning this year, college basketball fans will no longer have to miss even a second of the action, sources confirmed Friday, as the new NCAA March Madness Live streaming service lets fans watch up to four Capital One commercials at the same time. “For the first time ever, fans using our web app can…Read more...

Following the recent increase in hateful rhetoric towards transgender people, The Onion asked conservatives to defend their anti-trans bigotry and this is what they said.Read more...

NEW YORK—Calling it a desirable low-risk, high-yield option, financial experts reportedly recommended Thursday that Americans invest in businesses the government will bail out anytime they fuck up. “We strongly encourage people to put their money in a secure corporation whose solvency the government will rush in to…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Drawing swift rebukes from regulators and industry activists, the Biden administration came under fire Thursday for breaking child labor laws after half of the federal cabinet was revealed to be under the age of 10. “We’ve confirmed that there are department heads as young as six running agencies like the…Read more...

ALBUQUERQUE, NM—According to a new study published Thursday in the Journal Of Anthropological Research, early humans domesticated wolves after numerous failed attempts at domesticating crocodiles. “Discouraged by a lack of progress and their loss of limbs, early man stopped sharing their scraps of meat with crocodiles…Read more...

Although Andrew Tate remains detained in Romanian prison, the far-right men’s rights influencer somehow still has access to Twitter. Since his arrest, here is every tweet Andrew Tate has sent.Read more...

Read more...

The collapse of Silicon Valley Bank is the largest failure of a financial institution since Washington Mutual went under in 2008. The Onion asked tech moguls how they felt about the bank’s failure, and this is what they said.Read more...

SAN DIEGO—Saying this was the sort of sweetheart deal that he wouldn’t give his own mother, a fast-talking Joe Biden reportedly upsold Australian Prime Minister Anthony Albanese on two extra nuclear submarines this week, but emphasized that he had to sign today. “Look, Tony—cool if I call you Tony, right?—you seem…Read more...

While the Fox News host is not necessarily known for being honest, text messages released in the Dominion Voting Systems lawsuit show that Tucker Carlson frequently lies to viewers. The Onion examines Tucker Carlson’s biggest lies.Read more...

SEATTLE—Calling his motivations “beyond transparent,” sources at Starbucks headquarters confirmed Wednesday that CEO Howard Schultz was clearly only coming into the building to use the bathroom. “He clogged the toilet, stuffed some sugar packets into his pockets, and left,” said 27-year-old Starbucks project manager…Read more...

Read more...

MIDDLEBOROUGH, MA—Responding to an emergency call Tuesday from a victim of domestic violence, local police placed Cindy Tarnes, 37, under arrest for tattling on her abuser. “An officer arrived at the scene of what appeared to be an aggravated assault, where he informed Ms. Tarnes that she was being taken into custody…Read more...

TROY, MI—After naming the make and model the most promiscuous in its class, consumer analytics firm J.D. Power and Associates announced Tuesday that it had chosen the Hyundai Elantra as the sluttiest car of 2023. “Based on our own research and reports from independent automobile owners, we found that the Elantra puts…Read more...

Silicon Valley Bank collapsed after a stunning 48 hours in which a bank run and a capital crisis led to the second-largest failure of a financial institution in U.S. history. What do you think?Read more...

CHICAGO—Suggesting that there was no specific reason for pursuing such a goal, a report released Monday confirmed that being held closely by the person who loves you probably isn’t even that great. “In all likelihood, there is nothing particularly novel or enviable about feeling the arm of a lover wrapping…Read more...

With the viewership of the Academy Awards’ broadcast slipping by 35 million since 2000, The Onion asked Hollywood’s biggest stars to explain why the Oscars are still relevant.Read more...