The Onion

MILWAUKEE, WI—Reflecting on the aspects of his tenure as the top executive of Major League Baseball, Bud Selig on Tuesday reportedly admitted to taking steroids throughout his commissionership. “Sure, I did some performance-enhancing drugs, but you have to understand, that’s just how things were done back in the day,”…Read more...

EL SEGUNDO, CA—In an effort to stay as faithful to the original character as possible, Mattel confirmed Monday that the animated Barney in their upcoming reboot would still have a man inside. “Although this cartoon version of Barney might look different than the Barney of your childhoods, Barney the big purple…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Sighing as he gave in to the demands of all 330 million Americans, President Joe Biden announced Monday that the nation could stay up until 9:30 p.m. just this once. “But then it’s straight off to bed, no complaining,” said the commander in chief, informing the U.S. populace that, should they choose to stay…Read more...

A new survey found that 47% of Americans have one unused gift card, voucher, or store credit, totaling $21 billion nationwide, with the average person having $175 in such unused funds. What do you think?Read more...

WASHINGTON—Worn down and weakened by the one-year anniversary of the war’s media coverage, a weary U.S. populace confirmed Friday they were not sure how much longer they could occasionally glance at headlines about Ukraine. “Scrolling by all those pictures of crying children and bombed cities—I just don’t know if I…Read more...

U.S.-MEXICO BORDER—Emphasizing that the event had left citizens feeling embarrassed and exposed, U.S. Secretary of Homeland Security Alejandro Mayorkas announced Friday that the nation had installed a 2,000-mile-long privacy curtain after Mexico saw it naked. “Starting today, the entire U.S.-Mexico border will be…Read more...

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MEDINA, WA—Calling everything he had done in his life and career up to this point in time “absolutely worthless,” Bill Gates told reporters Friday that he wondered what he could have accomplished if he didn’t waste time becoming a billionaire. “It’s sad to think about, but I ultimately could have done some truly…Read more...

WASHINGTON—In response to decades of hostility coming to a close, the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service announced Thursday that the Great Trout War had finally ended. “After 12 years of conflict, trout leaders have signed an accord at the Lake Superior Summit putting an end to the war that has taken countless trout…Read more...

The Last Of Us, the post-apocalyptic drama series based on a 2013 video game, has shot to both commercial and critical stardom. The Onion tells you everything you need to know about The Last Of Us.

WASHINGTON—An AMBER Alert ringing out across the country to no one, the nation was placed in a state of emergency Thursday after the entire population went missing. “After being unable to determine the whereabouts of all 330 million residents of the U.S., we have been forced to declare a state of emergency,” read a…Read more...

Since taking over as the CEO of Twitter, Elon Musk has instituted several sad, pathetic company policies driven almost entirely by his ego. Here are the most cringe-worthy requests Musk has made so far.Read more...

A factory-sealed, first-generation iPhone sold at auction for $63,356.40, more than 100 times its original price, after a woman was gifted the phone in 2007, but never opened it because she didn’t want to get rid of her other phone. What do you think?Read more...

DAYTON, OH—Insisting that it worked every time, local parents Lewis and Dawn Ladin tricked their child into eating more vegetables Wednesday by hitting him if he didn’t eat his vegetables. “I’ve found the best way to dupe my kid into eating healthy is to clobber him if he refuses,” said Lewis Ladin, claiming that…Read more...

Alabama officials say they are close to completing a protocol for using inert gas asphyxiation to carry out executions, a method that would force an individual to only breathe in nitrogen, depriving them of the oxygen needed to maintain bodily functions. What do you think?Read more...

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The Labor Department found that a major U.S. sanitation company illegally employed at least 102 children as young as 13 at over a dozen slaughterhouses in jobs that had them using caustic chemicals to clean razor-sharp saws. What do you think?Read more...

EAST PALESTINE, OH—Stressing that there was nothing to worry about in the wake of a derailment of a train carrying the toxic chemical vinyl sulfide, Ohio officials pointed at a glass of water at a press conference Tuesday to assure residents that it was still safe to look at. “See? Absolutely nothing to worry about…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Following weeks of closer scrutiny into objects entering U.S. airspace, Pentagon officials announced Tuesday that they’d successfully shot down a kid jumping too high on a trampoline. “The airborne object spotted about nine feet above a small midwestern town was successfully downed by an American F-22 with…Read more...

NEW YORK—Walking back his previous comments that Republican presidential hopeful Nikki Haley was past her “prime,” an apologetic Don Lemon clarified to reporters Tuesday that a woman’s relevance was not defined by age, but by conventional attractiveness. “It doesn’t matter if a woman is in her 20s or her 70s, her…Read more...

DOVER, NH—Calling it a 180-degree pivot from the bitterness and animosity of their youth, local woman Talia Bowman told reporters Tuesday that she was surprised by how easy it was to get along with her sister now that the two of them were adults who never saw each other. “When we were kids, we used to say the cruelest…Read more...

Mardi Gras is a raucous festival that starts on Fat Tuesday and lasts until Ash Wednesday. Here are the strangest things Catholics do to celebrate the holiday.Read more...

HOUSTON—Expressing overwhelming gratitude for his partner, local man Tyler Dorfman told reporters Monday that marrying his wife Kelsey Dorfman, a woman who doesn’t eat her pizza crusts, was the best decision he ever made. “It’s basically double the crusts, or kind of infinity crusts when you think about how much more…Read more...

Thieves stole the catalytic converter from the iconic Oscar Mayer Wienermobile while it was parked overnight during a promotional visit for the Super Bowl in Las Vegas last week. What do you think?Read more...

WASHINGTON—Fighting back tears as he mustered the courage to do what needed to be done, Secretary of Transportation Pete Buttigieg reportedly cut a train’s brake lines Monday so it could run free. “Go, just get out of here! You’ve been trapped for too long, and you deserve to roam,” a visibly distressed Buttigieg…Read more...

While TikTok remains the most popular social media platform among today’s youth, many critics accuse the Chinese government of using it as a tool to spy on Americans. The Onion asked several prominent politicians why the app should be banned, and this is what they said.Read more...

TUCSON, AZ—Forgoing more traditional emergency supplies like canned goods, potable water, or a hand-crank radio, local doomsday prepper Craig Horvitz has been hoarding Chili’s gift cards to ensure his casual dining needs are met after the apocalypse, sources confirmed Friday. “When the shit hits the fan and…Read more...

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PORTLAND, ME—Irked by what he described as unprofessional behavior, local man Cory Morales reportedly gave his UberEats driver a three-star rating Friday for having to pry his order out of the delivery worker’s dead frozen hands. “I specifically said in the directions to leave it outside my door on the porch, and here…Read more...

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IRVING, TX—Throwing back his head as he let out a screeching cackle, ExxonMobil CEO Darren Woods was reportedly using his crystal orb Thursday to watch Greta Thunberg get lost in a Nordic forest. “Dear little Greta, you seem to have stumbled into quite a quagmire this time,” said Woods, grinning widely as he pressed…Read more...

EAST PALESTINE, OH—Gathering in front of the toxic decimation unfolding as a result of lax safety standards and lack of governmental oversight, Ohio Gov. Mike DeWine (R) held a press conference Thursday to champion the Norfolk Southern train derailment as a deregulation success story. “Ladies and gentlemen, behold, as…Read more...

With their made-up, overly complicated stories that dopes like you still manage to believe, pathological liars can be recognized by the following signs.Read more...

SKOPJE, NORTH MACEDONIA—Panicking while growing increasingly aware that there was no escape, a local kidney reportedly freaked out Thursday after waking up in a cooler full of ice with the rest of its man missing. “Oh fuck, oh fuck! Oh shit, where the hell am I?” said the bean-shaped organ, becoming more terrified…Read more...

On Feb. 3, trains carrying toxic chemicals including butyl acrylate and vinyl chloride derailed in East Palestine, OH, leading to a chain of events that have been scrutinized for their impact on theenvironment and local residents. The Onion tells you everything you need to know about the train derailment and toxic…Read more...

CHARLESTON, SC—In the former South Carolina governor’s first major crisis as a presidential candidate, Nikki Haley was reportedly panicking Wednesday after someone actually ordered one of her campaign’s T-shirts. “I thought it was maybe my husband at first, but I asked him, and he said it wasn’t him—he didn’t even…Read more...

INDIANAPOLIS—Signifying the absolute height of his prowess over the past four decades, dry humping at the age of 16 remained the peak of local man Ed Seldon’s abilities as a sexual partner, sources confirmed Wednesday. Several reports indicated that the three minutes Seldon spent frantically grinding on his high…Read more...

FORT LAUDERDALE, FL—Saying it was an easy gesture that was guaranteed to bring a smile to the boy’s face, local mother Janet Rialto told reporters Thursday that she always made sure to pack a little manifesto in her child’s lunch. “It’s a small thing, but every morning, I take a few minutes to handwrite him a quick…Read more...

WASHINGTON—In an attempt to relieve some of the tremendous insecurity and anxiety he had been experiencing lately, President Joe Biden reportedly reassured himself Tuesday that people weren’t even thinking about him all that much. “People have jobs and kids—they have lives—so it’s not like they’re going to spend a lot…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Hoping to gain an edge over the crowded field to replace the outgoing lawmaker, Rep. Adam Schiff (D-CA) reportedly sought Senator Dianne Feinstein’s campaign endorsement Tuesday by playing into the delusion that he’s her high school sweetheart who actually died in World War II. Multiple Capitol sources have…Read more...

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EAST LANSING, MI—In the hours following a violent rampage in Michigan in which a lone attacker killed at 3 individuals and injured 5 others, citizens living in the only country where this kind of mass killing routinely occurs reportedly concluded Tuesday that there was no way to prevent the massacre from taking place.…Read more...

NEW YORK—Following a summit in which nearly 10,000 feathered species gathered to determine their response to what they described as hostile incursions into the sky, top bird leaders released an official statement Tuesday defending their choice to shoot down an aircraft that illegally entered avian airspace. “When this…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Realizing there were only hours left before the big moment, the U.S. populace reportedly kicked into overdrive Tuesday as it frantically prepared for romantic ejaculation. “Hurry up! Light the candles, arrange the flowers—it’s about to happen!” Michael Watson, 34, said on behalf of all 330 million…Read more...

CHESAPEAKE, VA—Lying in wait as local parents Trent and Petra Winstrom entered their home and switched on the light, the Amazon Echo in their home reportedly informed them Tuesday that it heard everything and it’s taking the kids. “That’s right, I’ve been eavesdropping on everything that’s gone on here, and you’re…Read more...

Across the nation, millions of Americans will be celebrating romance with chocolates, flowers, and other offerings of love. How are you celebrating Valentine’s Day?Read more...

Let’s face it. No matter how hard they try, men constantly fuck up. The Onion looks at the worst mistakes men make on Valentine’s Day.Read more...

The Kansas City Chiefs captured their second championship in four seasons after Harrison Butker kicked the game-winning field goal of Super Bowl LVII to secure a 38-35 win over the Philadelphia Eagles.What do you think?Read more...

SACRAMENTO, CA—Calling it a humane answer to a heart-wrenching reality afflicting thousands across the state, California Gov. Gavin Newsom signed a bill Monday legalizing assisted suicide for any over-30 bachelor currently rewatching the 1998 anime series Cowboy Bebop. “Today, we are offering an escape from…Read more...

NEW YORK—Touting the new competition as perfect for anyone who wanted to continue placing bets after the NFL season ended, FanDuel unveiled a new “Double Play” contest Monday, offering users a chance to win back their house. “You may have made some risky bets in the NFL playoffs and lost your house—who hasn’t? That’s…Read more...