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The Onion
| Link | https://theonion.com/ |
| Feed | https://www.theonion.com/rss |
| Updated | 2024-11-24 01:01 |
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on (#5ZNTR)
GOLDENDALE, WA—Taking a deep breath, exhaling, and releasing all the tension of a stressful day from his body, chosen offering to the gods Dale Balko told reporters Tuesday that the sacrificial altar upon which he lay was comfier than expected. “The altar actually feels great on my back, and with those torches they…Read more...
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on (#5ZN1J)
Walmart has pulled its ice cream introduced to celebrate Juneteenth after critics decried the move as in poor taste and insensitive. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5ZMRQ)
UVALDE, TX—Uncovering shocking new details about the Robb Elementary School shooting, FBI agents told reporters Wednesday that alleged gunman Salvador Ramos had accomplices as far away as Washington, D.C. “We have reason to believe this wasn’t a ‘lone wolf’ incident, but rather a coordinated attack carried out with…Read more...
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on (#5ZMMQ)
WASHINGTON—Decrying the traditional filing season as “an irredeemable heresy,” an Internal Revenue Service splinter group demanded Wednesday that taxpayers recognize Aug. 15 as the one true tax day. “Any righteous interpretation of the 16th Amendment and the original Revenue Act of 1913 makes clear that Apr. 15 is not …Read more...
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on (#5ZMMR)
SAN FRANCISCO—In an effort to boost morale by celebrating their accomplishments, the human resources department at a local tech start-up reportedly decided Wednesday to ring a gong every time they successfully covered up sexual harassment. “It’s just a fun way to acknowledge the hard work we do here and to inspire one…Read more...
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on (#5ZMJ5)
UVALDE, TX—In the hours following a violent rampage in Texas in which a lone attacker killed at least 21 individuals and injured several others, citizens living in the only country where this kind of mass killing routinely occurs reportedly concluded Tuesday that there was no way to prevent the massacre from taking…Read more...
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on (#5ZME1)
As the abortion debate intensifies, it’s become abundantly clear that most men don’t know the first thing about sexual reproduction. Here are the biggest misconceptions guys need to correct ASAP.Read more...
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on (#5ZMC4)
NEW YORK—In an annual event that many New Yorkers look to with dread and annoyance, the city’s most popular tourist areas were reportedly mobbed this week by thousands of extremely drunken characters who were celebrating Disney Cruise Line’s Fleet Week—a seven-day shore leave in which the characters depart their ships…Read more...
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on (#5ZMC2)
A retired Seattle couple sold their home to live permanently on cruise ships, saying that the $89 per day they spend on room, food, and entertainment works out to be much cheaper than paying off a mortgage in Seattle. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5ZKFP)
KENNESAW, GA—Shocked to hear the former vice president had appeared at a recent rally for his campaign, Georgia governor Brian Kemp told reporters Tuesday that he thought Mike Pence had died on Jan. 6. “Wait, I thought that guy was shot or trampled to death or something at the Capitol—are you sure it’s the same Mike…Read more...
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on (#5ZKDA)
Being unable to lactate does make you a bad mother, but you’re not supposed to admit that. Never say the following things to someone who can’t breastfeed.Read more...
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on (#5ZJZH)
ST. LOUIS—Saying the incident fit a larger pattern in which the victim was often present but not an active participant in a situation, the Metropolitan Police Department reported Tuesday that local bystander David Clacker, who was killed by an officer, had a long history of bystanding. “After a thorough investigation,…Read more...
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on (#5ZJZF)
WILMINGTON, NC—With the accessory reportedly giving him a newfound “pep in his step” that he could not manage to conceal, family sources stated Tuesday that local dad Kevin Eicher wouldn’t admit that he felt cute in his new hat. “He clearly likes how he looks in it, because he hasn’t wiped that grin off his face since…Read more...
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on (#5ZJZE)
Meta has reportedly told employees that they cannot talk about abortion on Workplace, its internal version of Facebook, because it could create a “hostile work environment,” leaving people “feeling like they’re being targeted based on their gender or religion.” What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5ZJZD)
ST. CLOUD, MN—Seeking to distance himself from his previous words of praise for the establishment, local man Dylan Wortman immediately dialed back his affection for a restaurant Tuesday upon learning it was part of a chain. “Oh, what I meant was, it’s pretty good for what it is, and it’s not a bad option if everything…Read more...
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on (#5ZHMH)
Let’s face it, you’re not a real New Yorker unless you hate the following things about Los Angeles.Read more...
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on (#5ZFGF)
U.S. Soccer and the women’s and men’s national teams have announced a historic collective bargaining agreement to close the gender pay gap and assure every player, man or woman, is paid equally, a first in the soccer federation world. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5ZF0D)
GALLOWAY, NJ—Cursing himself and sweating as he tried to eliminate all traces of what he’d done, embarrassed local man Chris Burnley was said to be frantically clearing his internet search history Friday after googling the New York Jets’ playoff chances. “Jesus Christ, what the fuck is wrong with you? No one can know…Read more...
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on (#5ZE2G)
PALM BEACH, FL—In a series of posts shared to social media platform Truth Social, Donald Trump reportedly urged Dr. Mehmet Oz this week to declare victory against Joe Biden in the 2020 presidential election. “Dr. Oz, you must not let the election officials steal the presidency from you,” said Trump, who called upon…Read more...
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on (#5ZDM2)
Between children, work, and generally being a shitty person, life can feel impossible. Here are signs you are experiencing parental burnout.Read more...
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on (#5ZDWK)
ROCHESTER, MN—Reflecting that it never got easier to break the tragic news to the family, surgeon Peter Broadwell reportedly lost another patient under the operating table Wednesday. “Goddamn it, she was right here—how the hell did she just disappear?” said the Mayo Clinic thoracic surgeon, who rooted around under the…Read more...
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on (#5ZCQZ)
Florida Gov. Ron DeSantis has signed a bill prohibiting “picketing and protesting” outside someone’s private residence, in response to abortion rights protests recently staged in front of the homes of U.S. Supreme Court justices. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5ZBEK)
A new report claims the Earth has a 50-50 chance of temporarily reaching a global warming threshold by 2026, with temperatures rising more than 1.5 degrees celsius, an indicator of the point at which climate impacts will become increasingly harmful for people and the rest of the planet. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5ZAST)
NORMAN, OK—Assuring the man it was “all routine,” local registered nurse Danielle Fitzpatrick reportedly told a patient, “There’s a razor on the sink,” Tuesday while pointing him toward the bathroom where he could fill up a cup with blood. “It may be difficult to get it all into the cup, but do your best and we’ll…Read more...
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on (#5ZASS)
Scientists have grown plants for the first time in lunar soil brought back to Earth by Apollo astronauts over 50 years ago, calling it an important step towards making long-term stays on the moon possible one day. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5ZA1S)
New York City mayor Eric Adams signed the Salary Disclosure Law, which makes it illegal to post any job listing that doesn’t include the minimum and maximum salary offered for the position, in order to provide greater transparency for job seekers. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5Z9NG)
BUFFALO, NY—In the hours following a violent rampage in upstate New York in which a lone attacker killed 10 individuals and injured three others, citizens living in the only country where this kind of mass killing routinely occurs reportedly concluded Wednesday that there was no way to prevent the massacre from…Read more...
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on (#5Z9E6)
BOCA RATON, FL—Addressing a retirement community bingo hall filled to capacity with empty folding chairs, the nation’s elderly announced Friday an ambitious and far-reaching new plan to be sad and lonely all the time. “Moving forward, we intend to be extremely depressed every second of every day with no one to turn to…Read more...
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on (#5Z9E5)
Burglaries are easily preventable, especially if you have a gun. Here are things robbers always look for when casing a house.Read more...
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on (#5Z773)
The White House has announced it will partner with internet providers to lower the cost of high-speed internet plans for 48 million low-income Americans, providing plans of at least 100 Megabits per second of speed for no more than $30. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5Z6PA)
A passenger with no flying experience managed to successfully land a small plane in Florida with the help of an air traffic controller after the pilot became “incoherent” following a medical emergency. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5Z6P9)
FAIRBANKS, AK—Saying the pair sounded as if they were going through enough as it was, a respectful grizzly bear told reporters Friday that he was waiting to attack a tent until the couple inside had finished their fight. “I don’t want to make anything worse by barging in and mauling them while they’re in the middle of…Read more...
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on (#5Z6P8)
CHICAGO—Finding that a majority of men are likely to experience some form of it during their lifetime, a study published Friday in The Journal Of The American Medical Association concluded that over 60% of men will suffer from male-pattern head loss. “A condition that afflicts around 3 in 5 men, male-pattern head loss…Read more...
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on (#5Z6P6)
No, it’s not because of you. While all your friends may be abandoning you to move to smaller towns, it’s part of a nationwide trend. Here are the top reasons why Americans are leaving big cities.Read more...
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on (#5Z5V4)
Apple has announced that it is discontinuing the iPod, which debuted in 2001 as the first MP3 player capable of storing 1,000 songs, the product now considered redundant as later versions increasingly resembled smartphones with similar features. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5Z59D)
MOUNTAIN VIEW, CA—Touting the new feature as an efficient way for users to reach their destinations faster, Google Maps announced Thursday its service would now suggest shortcuts through the houses of people Google knows aren’t home at the moment. “With this update, most destinations will offer the option to select…Read more...
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on (#5Z4J2)
A new study has found that 93% of neighborhoods in America’s major cities were unaffordable to the majority of local Black residents, while the majority of affordable zip codes were “low-opportunity” neighborhoods. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5Z45Q)
The Onion: Are you going to honestly answer any question we ask in this interview?Read more...
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on (#5Z45R)
PHOENIX—Touting the product as an easy and effective way to train animal companions, PetSmart unveiled a new waterboarding kit Wednesday for teaching cats to stay off counters. “They say you can’t train a cat, but we at PetSmart guarantee this is one behavioral conditioning method your little kitty will never forget,”…Read more...
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on (#5Z3ZH)
An abortion-rights protest over the weekend at Supreme Court justice Brett Kavanaugh’s home stoked controversy over whether it’s appropriate to protest a public official’s policies at their private residence. The Onion looks at the pros and cons of protesting at politicians’ homes.
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on (#5Z3TW)
RANCHO PALOS VERDES, CA—Commenting on the many “interesting choices” for the special day, local mother Patricia Kenny announced Wednesday that “at least you had fun” in the most devastating takedown of her daughter’s wedding yet. “You know, honey, it’s definitely not how I would have wanted to celebrate the biggest…Read more...
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on (#5Z3TV)
Nearly 40% of popular baby formula brands are sold out at retailers across the U.S. due to an increase in demand and a recent recall from one of the country’s biggest infant formula plants. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5Z3TT)
NEW YORK—Confirming the practice to be the single-most common cause for inducing symptoms of the mental health condition, a Deloitte study released Wednesday found that thanking military veterans for their service immediately triggers their PTSD. “Post-traumatic stress disorder is an under-studied phenomenon, but…Read more...
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on (#5Z3TS)
CHICAGO—Reportedly hitting it off with a fellow native of the Great Lakes State he bumped into Wednesday, area man Dan McAdams was overheard saying, “I’m from Michigan, too!” when he encountered a package of lettuce grown in the state. “That’s crazy! I’m from Benton Harbor—what about you?” asked McAdams, 62, beaming…Read more...
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