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The Onion
| Link | https://theonion.com/ |
| Feed | https://www.theonion.com/rss |
| Updated | 2026-05-09 00:00 |
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on (#6JSDE)
AMES, IA-Stressing that he had thought the trainer would help him increase his level of physical activity, local man Greg Paloma admitted to reporters Wednesday that there were dirty clothes hanging all over his barely used Peloton instructor. At first I tried to exercise almost every day, but now Jeff, my Peloton...Read more...
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on (#6JSD1)
Rather than getting on a treadmill or going for a run, one way to get a good workout in is to take off your clothes and rub your genitals against someone else's naked body. The following are the best ways to burn calories while having sexual intercourse.Read more...
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on (#6JSBQ)
PALM BEACH, FL-Urging his supporters to act now before it was too late, Donald Trump's 2024 presidential campaign reportedly sent a new fundraising email Wednesday claiming that the candidate needed $5 for the bus to New Jersey so that he could see his ailing mother. I am so sorry to bother you, but my mother is...Read more...
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on (#6JSBR)
BOSTON-Calling the routine a nice way of blowing off steam and building connections with each other, staff at the new American bistro Bad Wolf told reporters this week that they had a fun after-work ritual where they all enabled each other's alcoholism. Yeah, it's great after a killer Friday shift to just head...Read more...
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on (#6JSBS)
CHARLOTTESVILLE, VA-Noting how difficult it was to endure the strict, no-frills program while foraging their own food, a new study published Wednesday by the University of Virginia found that cavemen had trouble sticking to the paleo diet without frozen meal kits. For early human ancestors, it was a real challenge to...Read more...
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on (#6JSBT)
TRUSSVILLE, AL-Saying the state could pry his reproductive organs from his cold, dead hands, local conservative Sean Weiss worried aloud Wednesday about the government coming to take his hard-earned genitals. I've worked my entire life to get these gonads between my legs, and I'll be damned if I'm going to let the...Read more...
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on (#6JRWQ)
DETROIT-Drawing ire from the costumed fandom at the item's price and political implications, former president Donald Trump was reportedly booed Tuesday at a local furry convention while hawking his new $399 Never Surrender Trump Tail. Folks, this is a tremendous tail, really tremendous-perfect for bringing your...Read more...
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on (#6JRWR)
MONTGOMERY, AL-In a case aimed at preserving what plaintiffs described as the sanctity of reheatable Tex-Mex fare, Alabama's Supreme Court issued a ruling Tuesday in which it asserted that frozen burritos are children. With this decision, the court finds that frozen burritos-be they beef, bean and cheese, chicken, or...Read more...
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on (#6JRW3)
LOS ANGELES-Wondering aloud why people seemed to be so obsessed with her involvement in the Sony Pictures-produced Marvel spinoff, actress Dakota Johnson told reporters Tuesday that she hoped she wouldn't get any Madame Web questions at a Madame Web press event. I don't get it-just because I starred in a...Read more...
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on (#6JRKT)
Rather than using details from their own worthless, pathetic lives, more and more users are opting to use ChatGPT to fill out their Tinder bios. See if you can guess which of these bios were written by humans and which by AI.Read more...
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on (#6JRHN)
NEW ORLEANS-Shifting in his chair as the server hovered over the table waiting to take his order, local man Mitch Frahm reportedly made a last-second decision Tuesday to point to the item he wanted to avoid mispronouncing number 47." Sorry, this is so embarrassing, but I don't know how to say the name of this dish,"...Read more...
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on (#6JRHP)
WASHINGTON-Expressing astonishment that such an act of techno-terrorism didn't come to fruition years ago, Americans across the country told reporters Tuesday they were surprised the U.S. power grid hadn't already been shut down by a hacker named Cyber Wolf. You'd really think that by the year 2024, we would've...Read more...
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on (#6JRHQ)
PEORIA, IL-Shaking his head as he spotted the flashing red and blue lights in his rearview mirror, local evangelical Christian man Joshua Weller was reportedly persecuted Tuesday simply for driving 90 miles per hour in a school zone. Looks like someone spotted the Jesus fish on my back windshield," said Weller, who...Read more...
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on (#6JQWN)
Red-pilled individuals claim they have awakened to the truth that no-fault divorce, spousal support, custody laws, and many other things associated with marriage are biased against men. The Onion asked red-pilled Americans to explain why men should never get married, and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#6JQWP)
NEW YORK-In a breakthrough study with a stark prediction about present meteorological trends, a team of scientists at Columbia University warned Monday that the sky was rapidly running out of the good puffy clouds. Based on the current trajectory, we expect that big fluffy clouds will be entirely gone from the...Read more...
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on (#6JQRB)
WASHINGTON-Ignoring his better judgment so as not to be called a chicken, President Joe Biden reportedly fell through a sheet of ice and plunged into dangerously cold water Monday after his buddies dared him to walk on the frozen Capitol Reflecting Pool. Sources confirmed the commander-in-chief's chums had bet him $5...Read more...
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on (#6JQRC)
CHICAGO-Pulling back the covers to reveal a two-inch splotch in the middle of his bed, local man Dave Reardon reportedly treated his date, Sandra McAllister, to an amusing anecdote behind the stain on his sheets Monday. It's not what you think-it's actually a pretty funny story," the fully nude 32-year-old said...Read more...
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on (#6JQRE)
THE HEAVENS-Claiming that love had made Him do crazy things, the Lord God Almighty admitted Monday that sending the Great Flood to destroy the evil He beheld upon the earth was just a misguided attempt to impress Jodie Foster. Truth be told, I convinced Myself that if I sent mighty torrents of water to cleanse the...Read more...
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on (#6JQPW)
In an interview with Russian state television, Vladimir Putin claimed he would prefer that Joe Biden be reelected over Donald Trump, stating: Biden, he's more experienced, more predictable. He's a politician of the old formation." What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6JPF7)
ATHENS, GREECE-With passage of the law marking a first for a majority Orthodox Christian nation, Greece officially legalized same-sex marriage Thursday in a bid to do more of that wedding dance they do, according to members of Parliament. This is a historic moment that will dramatically increase the number of times a...Read more...
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on (#6JPC8)
LONDON-Eliciting loud gasps from spectators as he posed for photos, actor Timothee Chalamet stunned at the Dune: Part Two premiere Thursday night by wearing a metal saucepan on his head. It was a daring fashion choice, but Chalamet certainly made a statement by donning a 3-quart All-Clad stainless steel saucepan on...Read more...
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on (#6JPC9)
Citing issues like limited usability and headaches, many Apple Vision Pro owners have begun returning their devices, which retail for $3,500. What do you think?
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on (#6JPCA)
BRUSSELS-Implicating the Russian leader directly for his role in Alexei Navalny's passing, world leaders issued a joint statement Friday pledging that President Vladimir Putin would go unpunished. Mark our words, the European Union will spare no effort in ensuring that Putin experiences absolutely no ...Read more...
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on (#6JP61)
LOS ANGELES-Noting that the project would usher in an entirely new era for her, Jennifer Lopez confirmed Friday that This Is Me...Now was not only a movie musical, an album, and a tour, but also a new autocratic nation-state. This Is Me...Now means so much to me, both because it truly represents who I am at this stage...Read more...
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on (#6JP62)
SILVER SPRING, MD-Amid a shortage caused by rising demand, manufacturing issues, and federal limits on production, the Food and Drug Administration confirmed Friday that the inadequate supply of ADHD drugs was forcing more parents to beat their children. Faced with out-of-stock pharmacies and few viable alternatives,...Read more...
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on (#6JP4F)
RENO, NV-Pointing up at the sky as he landed a bank shot, local basketball player Alan Jennings credited Kobe Bryant for inspiring him to score a career-high four points in his rec league game Thursday night. Kobe's dedication taught me that amazing things happen when you just get out there and play for the love of...Read more...
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on (#6JP4G)
With some country radio stations initially reluctant to play the pop star's latest releases Texas Hold 'Em" and 16 Carriages," The Onion asked country music fans why they would never listen to Beyonce, and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#6JP2C)
Representatives for Usher confirmed that the the star and longtime girlfriend Jennifer Goicoechea, a senior vice president at Epic Records, tied the knot at the Vegas Weddings chapel after the Super Bowl where Usher headlined the halftime show, with the couple stating that they look forward to continuing to raise...Read more...
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on (#6JP2E)
WASHINGTON-Moments after pulling shut the door to the Roosevelt Room and locking it behind her, a terrified Vice President Kamala Harris reportedly told aides to Stab him! Stab him, you cowards!" on Friday after she plunged a knife into President Joe Biden's back. What are you waiting for, you fools? Strike now!...Read more...
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on (#6JP2F)
GRAPEVINE, TX-In the midst of a skirmish over someone's cart blocking a parking spot at Walmart, sources confirmed the hair of local woman Deena Platt puffed up to several times its usual size Friday, intimidating her rival female shoppers. According to witnesses, after Platt paused to take a long drag off her...Read more...
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on (#6JNF0)
NEW YORK-Emphasizing the importance of gum health, former President Donald Trump reportedly tried to get out of his hush-money trial this week by scheduling a dentist appointment for the same day. Sorry, I really want to go to trial on Mar. 25, but unfortunately I have a teeth-cleaning appointment that day," said...Read more...
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on (#6JNF1)
Dozens of Israeli protesters are currently blocking food trucks from entering Gaza, where 2 million people are on the verge of famine. The Onion examines the pros and cons of allowing international aid organizations to deliver food to Gaza.Read more...
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on (#6JN8K)
Former President Donald Trump recently said during a rally that he'd invite Russia to do whatever the hell they want" to members of NATO that had not paid their dues. The Onion asked Republicans why they were downplaying Trump's remarks, and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#6JN5Y)
WASHINGTON-After top advisors patted his head and called him a good president, Joe Biden was rewarded with extra time on his tablet Thursday, according to sources within the West Wing. Since you were so patient and quiet all the way through the National Security Council meeting, you can play on the iPad for 30...Read more...
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on (#6JN49)
LA JOLLA, CA-Scooting over to make room for more people on their serape blankets, a bunch of dudes seen jamming Thursday invited the nation to come on over and grab a tambo. Don't need to know how to play to feel the groove," said local djembe player Christopher Moran, who reportedly kept the beat alive with one hand...Read more...
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on (#6JN4A)
CHICAGO-Noting how dirty the glass still looked even after going to all that trouble, sources confirmed Thursday that the window washer they'd hired could have at least dragged his squeegee along the building as he fell. Yeah, I know his rope snapped and he ultimately fell to his death, but would it have killed him...Read more...
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on (#6JN4B)
Alaskapox, a virus discovered in 2015 that is mostly endemic among Alaskan small mammal populations, recently claimed its first human victim despite the fact that experts say the illness is often mild and infections remain rare. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6JNF2)
SAN FRANCISCO-Emphasizing the extra steps it took to ensure the sex lives of its customers remained public, telehealth company Hims announced a new indiscreet shipping option Thursday that alerts neighbors to an impending erection. With Hims' new indiscreet packaging option, it will be obvious to everyone that you...Read more...
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on (#6JMM5)
People across America are exchanging candy and flowers with their sweethearts for Valentine's Day, but each individual has their own preferred way to show their partner they care. How are you celebrating Valentines' Day?Read more...
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on (#6JMB1)
The report by special counsel Robert Hur that describes Joe Biden as an elderly man with a poor memory" has renewed debate about the president's capacity to carry out a second term. But how bad is his memory compared to that of the average American? Take the quiz below to compare your answers to questions recently...Read more...
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on (#6JM8J)
SALT LAKE CITY-Pausing their boisterous conversation to greet some new faces, the nation's hairy men in hot tubs confirmed Wednesday there was plenty of room for one more if anybody else wanted in on the fun. Don't be shy, we can all squeeze in here," a man completely covered in hair and sweat said on behalf of the...Read more...
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on (#6JM8M)
In an effort to appeal to younger voters, the Joe Biden campaign unveiled its first TikTok post during the Super Bowl on Sunday, captioned lol hey guys" and poking fun at conservative conspiracy theories about the NFL rigging the season. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6JM69)
NEW YORK-Conspicuously holding up her wrist for everyone in the bar to see, local woman Liz Galdames reportedly flashed her friendship bracelet Wednesday evening in order to repel anyone seeking platonic companionship. Sorry, buddy, I already have a pal," Galdames told the disappointed man who had approached her with...Read more...
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