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on (#68Z7A)
TUCSON, AZ—Forgoing more traditional emergency supplies like canned goods, potable water, or a hand-crank radio, local doomsday prepper Craig Horvitz has been hoarding Chili’s gift cards to ensure his casual dining needs are met after the apocalypse, sources confirmed Friday. “When the shit hits the fan and…Read more...
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The Onion
| Link | https://theonion.com/ |
| Feed | https://www.theonion.com/rss |
| Updated | 2025-04-21 12:03 |
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on (#68Z5M)
PORTLAND, ME—Irked by what he described as unprofessional behavior, local man Cory Morales reportedly gave his UberEats driver a three-star rating Friday for having to pry his order out of the delivery worker’s dead frozen hands. “I specifically said in the directions to leave it outside my door on the porch, and here…Read more...
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on (#68Y02)
IRVING, TX—Throwing back his head as he let out a screeching cackle, ExxonMobil CEO Darren Woods was reportedly using his crystal orb Thursday to watch Greta Thunberg get lost in a Nordic forest. “Dear little Greta, you seem to have stumbled into quite a quagmire this time,” said Woods, grinning widely as he pressed…Read more...
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on (#68XZP)
EAST PALESTINE, OH—Gathering in front of the toxic decimation unfolding as a result of lax safety standards and lack of governmental oversight, Ohio Gov. Mike DeWine (R) held a press conference Thursday to champion the Norfolk Southern train derailment as a deregulation success story. “Ladies and gentlemen, behold, as…Read more...
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on (#68XZR)
With their made-up, overly complicated stories that dopes like you still manage to believe, pathological liars can be recognized by the following signs.Read more...
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on (#68XY1)
SKOPJE, NORTH MACEDONIA—Panicking while growing increasingly aware that there was no escape, a local kidney reportedly freaked out Thursday after waking up in a cooler full of ice with the rest of its man missing. “Oh fuck, oh fuck! Oh shit, where the hell am I?” said the bean-shaped organ, becoming more terrified…Read more...
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on (#68XEK)
On Feb. 3, trains carrying toxic chemicals including butyl acrylate and vinyl chloride derailed in East Palestine, OH, leading to a chain of events that have been scrutinized for their impact on theenvironment and local residents. The Onion tells you everything you need to know about the train derailment and toxic…Read more...
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on (#68XCQ)
CHARLESTON, SC—In the former South Carolina governor’s first major crisis as a presidential candidate, Nikki Haley was reportedly panicking Wednesday after someone actually ordered one of her campaign’s T-shirts. “I thought it was maybe my husband at first, but I asked him, and he said it wasn’t him—he didn’t even…Read more...
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on (#68WTV)
INDIANAPOLIS—Signifying the absolute height of his prowess over the past four decades, dry humping at the age of 16 remained the peak of local man Ed Seldon’s abilities as a sexual partner, sources confirmed Wednesday. Several reports indicated that the three minutes Seldon spent frantically grinding on his high…Read more...
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on (#68WN7)
FORT LAUDERDALE, FL—Saying it was an easy gesture that was guaranteed to bring a smile to the boy’s face, local mother Janet Rialto told reporters Thursday that she always made sure to pack a little manifesto in her child’s lunch. “It’s a small thing, but every morning, I take a few minutes to handwrite him a quick…Read more...
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on (#68W1A)
WASHINGTON—In an attempt to relieve some of the tremendous insecurity and anxiety he had been experiencing lately, President Joe Biden reportedly reassured himself Tuesday that people weren’t even thinking about him all that much. “People have jobs and kids—they have lives—so it’s not like they’re going to spend a lot…Read more...
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on (#68VYH)
WASHINGTON—Hoping to gain an edge over the crowded field to replace the outgoing lawmaker, Rep. Adam Schiff (D-CA) reportedly sought Senator Dianne Feinstein’s campaign endorsement Tuesday by playing into the delusion that he’s her high school sweetheart who actually died in World War II. Multiple Capitol sources have…Read more...
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on (#68VMA)
EAST LANSING, MI—In the hours following a violent rampage in Michigan in which a lone attacker killed at 3 individuals and injured 5 others, citizens living in the only country where this kind of mass killing routinely occurs reportedly concluded Tuesday that there was no way to prevent the massacre from taking place.…Read more...
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on (#68VGT)
NEW YORK—Following a summit in which nearly 10,000 feathered species gathered to determine their response to what they described as hostile incursions into the sky, top bird leaders released an official statement Tuesday defending their choice to shoot down an aircraft that illegally entered avian airspace. “When this…Read more...
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on (#68VGV)
WASHINGTON—Realizing there were only hours left before the big moment, the U.S. populace reportedly kicked into overdrive Tuesday as it frantically prepared for romantic ejaculation. “Hurry up! Light the candles, arrange the flowers—it’s about to happen!” Michael Watson, 34, said on behalf of all 330 million…Read more...
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on (#68VGW)
CHESAPEAKE, VA—Lying in wait as local parents Trent and Petra Winstrom entered their home and switched on the light, the Amazon Echo in their home reportedly informed them Tuesday that it heard everything and it’s taking the kids. “That’s right, I’ve been eavesdropping on everything that’s gone on here, and you’re…Read more...
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on (#68VCW)
Across the nation, millions of Americans will be celebrating romance with chocolates, flowers, and other offerings of love. How are you celebrating Valentine’s Day?Read more...
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on (#68VCX)
Let’s face it. No matter how hard they try, men constantly fuck up. The Onion looks at the worst mistakes men make on Valentine’s Day.Read more...
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on (#68TTC)
The Kansas City Chiefs captured their second championship in four seasons after Harrison Butker kicked the game-winning field goal of Super Bowl LVII to secure a 38-35 win over the Philadelphia Eagles.What do you think?Read more...
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on (#68TB3)
SACRAMENTO, CA—Calling it a humane answer to a heart-wrenching reality afflicting thousands across the state, California Gov. Gavin Newsom signed a bill Monday legalizing assisted suicide for any over-30 bachelor currently rewatching the 1998 anime series Cowboy Bebop. “Today, we are offering an escape from…Read more...
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on (#68TB4)
NEW YORK—Touting the new competition as perfect for anyone who wanted to continue placing bets after the NFL season ended, FanDuel unveiled a new “Double Play” contest Monday, offering users a chance to win back their house. “You may have made some risky bets in the NFL playoffs and lost your house—who hasn’t? That’s…Read more...
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on (#68T5X)
A couple rushing to catch a flight abandoned their baby at an airport check-in desk in Tel Aviv after being told they would need to buy a separate ticket for the child. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#68ST1)
GLENDALE, AZ—Reflecting on what his return to the sport’s highest stage meant to him as Super Bowl LVII got under way, Kansas City Chiefs head coach Andy Reid admitted Sunday that he could still taste his last Super Bowl victory in his mustache. “It’s tangy, with a hint of sweetness—maybe mango or something,” said…Read more...
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on (#68R3Q)
The Late Late Show, hosted by James Corden, has reportedly been canceled after nearly 30 years of broadcasting, with CBS planning to reboot the Comedy Central series @midnight as a replacement. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#68QNP)
ARLINGTON, VA—During a press conference Friday in which they touted the full breadth of their massive arsenal of firearms, Pentagon officials bragged that the U.S. military had all the different kinds of guns. “The really huge ones that have tons of bullets, but also the small ones you can hide and surprise people…Read more...
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on (#68QGZ)
Andrew Tate, a far-right influencer, was recently arrested in Romania on suspicion of human trafficking and rape. If someone you know is a fan of Andrew Tate, here’s what you should say.Read more...
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on (#68PMB)
LOS ANGELES—Presenting the final statuette long after all the others had been handed out, the 65th Annual Grammy Awards bestowed the honor for best hidden track Thursday, just as everyone believed the ceremony was over. “There was this long stretch of silence and static for days after the live broadcast seemed to cut…Read more...
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on (#68P8W)
“I am going to challenge myself to read 10 words written by Black authors this month.”Read more...
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on (#68NSH)
President Biden, two years into his term and facing a Republican-led House for the first time, delivered his State of the Union address to a joint session of Congress last night. What did you think of the speech?Read more...
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on (#68NS7)
WASHINGTON—Waking up the morning after she repeatedly shouted at President Biden during his State of the Union address, an anxious Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene (R-GA) reportedly wondered Wednesday if she had talked too much the night before. “Ugh, I feel like I was just blathering on and on last night—I hope it didn’t…Read more...
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on (#68NQJ)
WASHINGTON—Still groggy and sore from the late night, Mitt Romney was reportedly exhausted Wednesday after scolding all 535 liars in Congress. “Oh boy, it took until 3 a.m., but I finally got it done,” said the disheveled, red-eyed senator, who recalled confronting legislator after legislator on the House floor…Read more...
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on (#68NCK)
CAMBRIDGE, MA—A new study published Wednesday in the Journal Of Behavioral Medicine has found evidence of a direct link between stress and one’s desperate attempts, when a villain is approaching, to grasp a weapon that’s just out of reach. “Cortisol levels in the brain increased dramatically in study participants who…Read more...
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on (#68NCM)
GARY, IN—Impressing onlookers with the display of faithfulness for his former master, a loyal dog named Milo reportedly drew attention Wednesday for spending hours each day humping his owners grave. “You can really tell how much this little guy loved his owner that he darts right toward his tombstone early in the…Read more...
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on (#68N2C)
A continuing care home in Des Moines, IA has been fined $10,000 after funeral home workers discovered that a 66-year-old woman declared dead by the facility was still alive in a body bag. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#68MRV)
WASHINGTON—Showing the Chinese president grow visibly enraged as he listened to his American counterpart bad-mouth him behind his back, a backstage camera revealed surprise guest Xi Jinping’s reactions to everything President Biden said during Tuesday night’s State of the Union address. “You have a problem with me…Read more...
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on (#68MQY)
WASHINGTON—Holding the book up so everyone in the House chamber could see the pictures, President Joe Biden read about how “the scary balloon popped” and everyone “went back to worrying about the Recession Monster” as he shared an illustrated children’s edition of his State of the Union Tuesday. “See how the whole…Read more...
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on (#68MQW)
WASHINGTON—President Joe Biden ended Tuesday night’s State of the Union address 45 seconds after he began it, limiting the annual speech to a few muttered phrases before he told the joint session of Congress and millions watching at home that he was sure everyone got the general idea. “Yeah, so, I just want to quickly…Read more...
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on (#68MC3)
LEAWOOD, KS—In a rollout of what the theater chain has dubbed “experience-based pricing,” AMC announced Tuesday that they were now basing ticket prices on proximity to a guy masturbating in the dark. “Starting Feb. 10, the cost of tickets will depend entirely on how close customers sit to a middle-aged man who is…Read more...
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on (#68MBK)
WASHINGTON—Racking his memory for the possible existence of any such person, New York Rep. George Santos (R) was reportedly panicking Tuesday after a prospective aide he thought that he made up accused him of sexual misconduct. “But I totally lied about having to interview this fake person to get out of doing other…Read more...
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on (#68KW8)
A man in Singapore has filed a lawsuit against a woman for $3 million, claiming that she caused emotional “trauma” to his life when she told him she wasn’t interested in a romantic relationship with him. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#68KVM)
CHICAGO—In a hit-and-run expected to leave your loved ones devastated, a new report released this week found that there were only 18 days left until you would be struck and killed by the all-new 2023 Kia Sorento. “The countdown to oblivion has begun, starting at only 2.9% APR,” read the report, which noted that the…Read more...
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