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on (#6CGV8)
The Onion provides all the details, facts, and lies you need to know to better understand the Wagner Group and the recent revolt of these mercenaries against Russia.Read more...
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The Onion
| Link | https://theonion.com/ |
| Feed | https://www.theonion.com/rss |
| Updated | 2025-07-07 17:45 |
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on (#6CGV9)
NEW YORK-Introducing a new tier in their popular Ultimate Rewards program, Chase Bank reportedly began offering a new credit card Tuesday that pays 5% cash back on any embarrassing purchase the user makes that its employees can laugh at. With our Chase Freedom Blush line of credit, you'll earn major rewards on any...Read more...
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on (#6CGRD)
SAN DIEGO-Baffled by the homey ambiance of the two-bedroom condominium, vacationer James Shin told reporters Tuesday that the bizarre Airbnb he had rented for the weekend looked like someone actually lived there. Weird-if I didn't know any better, I would think a family lived here," said Shin, who struggled to...Read more...
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on (#6CGRE)
NEW YORK-Urging the public to stay guarded, the New York City Police Department warned residents Tuesday about a new scam in which vulnerable people were in need. We've seen some cases where scammers will go so far as to lose all their savings and live a life destitute on the streets, just to tug at your heartstrings...Read more...
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on (#6CGR0)
A California-based toymaker is recalling 7.5 million singing and swimming Baby Shark bath toys after multiple lacerations and puncture wounds were reported in children playing with them. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6CG63)
MOLKINO, RUSSIA-According to sources close to the head of the notorious Russian mercenary group, Wagner Group chief Yevgeny Prigozhin stated Monday that he had decided to attack Russia after hearing Volodymyr Zelensky speak at the 2022 Grammy Awards. As soon as I watched his pretaped message at the Grammys, I knew I...Read more...
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on (#6CG5M)
WASHINGTON-In an effort to provide additional clarity about the fate of the watercraft that sparked nationwide media coverage, officials from the U.S. Navy revealed Monday that they knew about the Titan submersible explosion right after they blew it up. Last Sunday, remote sensors operated by the Navy detected the...Read more...
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on (#6CG3T)
GREENVILLE, NC-In an update to fans revealing that he was almost a casualty of the disaster, YouTuber Jimmy Donaldson, better known as MrBeast, claimed Monday that he narrowly avoided death aboard the Space Shuttle Challenger. I was invited to ride the Challenger shuttle, and I said no-kind of scary that I could have...Read more...
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on (#6CG3V)
MINNEAPOLIS-Addressing the online trolling of her former partners ahead of the release of her next rerecorded album, Speak Now, Taylor Swift reportedly took a moment Saturday night during a performance of her Eras tour to ask her fans not to attack her exes unless they can fully commit to finishing the job. As we...Read more...
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on (#6CG1G)
WASHINGTON-Revealing that the jackpot was out of reach for most citizens, a study released Monday by the U.S. Bureau of Labor Statistics found that a majority of Americans don't have the pocket aces necessary to retire. The data we have collected indicates fewer than half have been dealt the hole cards they will need...Read more...
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on (#6CFR1)
APPLETON, WI-Expressing concerns about privacy and corporate overreach, Andrew Friedman, a man whose algorithm constantly feeds him solely basketball highlights and photos of half-naked women, reportedly stated, It's scary how much tech companies know about me," in conversation Monday.It's honestly so crazy,...Read more...
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on (#6CFR2)
DALLAS-In response to questions concerning where he would play in the 2023-2024 season, free agent guard Kyrie Irving told reporters Monday that he was excited to alienate all potential options. There are several teams that are definitely at the top of my list in terms of who I'd be most interested in taking meetings...Read more...
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on (#6CFR3)
NEW YORK-Claiming he could easily fit into a similar position at most companies, local CEO Mike Waltke told reporters Monday that his skill set was transferable to any job that requires an inept dumbass to receive a big salary. I have the incompetence necessary to effortlessly transition into a role at any company...Read more...
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on (#6CFR4)
According to the National Assessment of Educational Progress, test scores among American children are the lowest they've been in decades, dropping sharply since 2020. The following are real test answers that illustrate just how far the nation's school system has fallen.Read more...
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on (#6CE3E)
Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene (R-GA) called Rep. Lauren Boebert (R-CP) a little bitch" amid GOP frustration at the Colorado Republicans' move to try and force a vote on impeaching President Biden. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#615KS)
Over the past several months, the rights and acceptance of transgender and gender-nonconforming people have increasingly been the subject of both legal challenges and heated public debate. The Onion sifts through the many essays published by lesser news organizations to find the smartest and most worthwhile...Read more...
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on (#6CDVX)
MIAMI-Following reports that he was under investigation by Miami-Dade Police for his role in a violent altercation at the Haulover Marina, Miami Dolphins wide receiver Tyreek Hill told reporters Friday that he was surprised to discover that assault is illegal in Florida. When I knew Kansas City was going to trade me...Read more...
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on (#6CDHT)
LOS ANGELES-Announcing their first major theatrically released project, the production company launched by Barack and Michelle Obama greenlit an action film Friday about a badass drone seeking revenge on a Yemeni wedding. The film follows a retired ex-military drone who just wants to be left alone, until Uncle Sam...Read more...
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on (#6CDHV)
ATLANTA-While the quality of the nation's mental health continues to worsen, a new Centers for Disease Control report released Friday claimed to have found that the decline is sharpest among Americans who finally tried out a bolo tie and no one complimented it. By almost every measure, the mental health crisis in...Read more...
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on (#6CDHW)
SEATTLE-Blaring Camille Saint-Saens' Danse Macabre" from a battered old boombox, local necromancer Edgar Ravenswood reportedly spent his day off Friday restoring a classic guy in his driveway. He's in rough shape right now, but I hope to get him back in action by the end of the summer," said Ravenswood to a neighbor...Read more...
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on (#6CDGF)
CHICAGO-The directive to wear navy blue-and-white nautical-themed attire going into effect immediately, a new dress code mandated this week by software company Nexus Solutions prohibited all clothing but little sailor suits. Given the need for our workplace to have a more professional appearance, we are instituting a...Read more...
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on (#6CCQH)
MAR-A-LAGO, FL-Still reeling from the recently unsealed federal indictment that included over 37 felony counts against him, 45th president of the United States Donald Trump spent a contemplative morning in his office Thursday tapping golf balls into Rudy Giuliani's mouth. Oh, Rudy, Rudy, Rudy, what am I to do?" said...Read more...
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on (#6CCEJ)
Hunter Biden, the son of sitting President Joe Biden, is expected to plead guilty to two federal misdemeanor counts of failing to pay upwards of $100,000 in income taxes in 2017 and 2018. The Onion asked Americans how they felt about Biden opting to take a plea agreement, and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#6CCCS)
Around one in three Americans say they have used fertility treatments or know someone who has in the effort to successfully conceive a child, but there are many considerations that go into choosing a fertility treatment that's right for you. The Onion takes a deep dive into the kinds of fertility treatments out there.
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on (#6CCCT)
RIO RANCHO, NM-Providing sources with a wishy-washy response to the question, local man Terrence Chase confirmed Thursday that he would not necessarily describe himself as at risk of suicide, but he was definitely open to it. It's not something I would commit to at this time, but who knows, things change-I could be...Read more...
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on (#6CCCV)
VICTORIA, SEYCHELLES-Insisting that their unimaginable wealth isolated them from the hard day-to-day work of blood harvesting, the world's billionaires released a collective statement Thursday knocking out-of-touch centibillionaires for not knowing how much a gallon of adrenochrome costs. These ultra, ultrarich...Read more...
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on (#6CBSD)
WASHINGTON-Underscoring the impact of the pandemic on student learning, a new study released Wednesday by the Department of Education found that most U.S. students are unable to name all 50 numbers. Assessments taken from students during the 2022 to 2023 school year showed that the majority of students can only name...Read more...
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on (#6CBSE)
LOS ANGELES-The internet was lit ablaze with fierce debate Wednesday morning as cooking podcast host Lisa Quinn was reportedly under fire for her controversial claim that vaccines give you potatoes. I'm just saying that there is data indicating that there are otherwise healthy people, kids even, who get vaccinated,...Read more...
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on (#6CBRT)
Commentator Joe Rogan has a history of making contentious and problematic remarks on his incredibly popular podcast, The Joe Rogan Experience. The Onion examines some of his most controversial statements.Read more...
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on (#6CBPY)
KALAMATA, GREECE-With time running out to ensure that no one made it out alive, emergency crews were dispatched Wednesday to help a boat full of refugees sink. As soon as it became clear that a ship off the coast was carrying displaced peoples from the Middle East and North Africa, we immediately rushed into action...Read more...
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on (#6CBPZ)
ATLANTIC OCEAN-In the midst of a frantic search for the missing OceanGate submersible on Wednesday, rescue teams reportedly detected the sound of Savage Garden's Truly, Madly, Deeply" playing underwater. We have yet to identify the source, but nearby the site of Titan's disappearance, we began picking up the upbeat...Read more...
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on (#6CBHQ)
DAYTON, OH-In a scenario that bystanders referred to as ripped directly from the pages of Isaac Asimov, a real-life science fiction premise reportedly played out Wednesday as local man Gregory Winters employed a so-called mechanical pencil. Why, it's as if the lead is spontaneously generating from that-what was...Read more...
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on (#6CBAA)
TALLAHASSEE, FL-In an effort to connect with voters while on the 2024 campaign trail, Gov. Ron DeSantis (R-FL) ended a fundraiser Tuesday by approaching a World War II veteran and shaking his tongue. Several reports indicated that the governor first noticed the D-Day veteran at the press event, at which point he...Read more...
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on (#6CBAB)
Illinois has become the first state to legislate against the banning of books in public libraries, a practice that has been on the rise across the United States as conservatives look to suppress some books dealing with race, history, and LGBTQ topics. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6CB8W)
WASHINGTON-Calling the venture the first step in a sweeping plan to transform the nation's infrastructure, the U.S. Department of Transportation announced Wednesday a $1 billion investment in horses. Horses can walk on all types of terrains, which is great because it means we won't need roads," said Secretary of...Read more...
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on (#6CB8X)
SEATTLE-Debuting a new, streamlined classification system, librarians at the Seattle Central Library announced Wednesday that they have officially dropped the Dewey Decimal System in favor of organizing all titles under B" for books. This is going to make things so much easier for staff, as well as for patrons who...Read more...
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on (#6CB8Z)
DES MOINES, IA-Accusing the woman of engaging in a questionable" amount of work on her emotional wellbeing, sources confirmed Wednesday that local 30-year-old Emma Offner was getting a little old for self-discovery. Trying to learn anything new about yourself past the age of, like, 26 is honestly super cringy," said...Read more...
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on (#6CAVF)
AUSTIN-Expressing astonishment at the new mind-blowing revelation, podcaster and former Fear Factor host Joe Rogan was reportedly stunned Tuesday after a 5-year-old told him that horseys come from outer-space. Whoa, this is huge, man-nobody in the mainstream media is talking about this," said Rogan, speaking to his...Read more...
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on (#6CAR3)
BOSTON, MA-Ramping up search and rescue efforts to locate the missing OceanGate tourist vessel, the U.S. Coast Guard told reporters Tuesday they sent out another submersible full of billionaires after the first one. We've enlisted another team of wealthy explorers to take part in a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to...Read more...
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on (#6CAR4)
WASHINGTON-Eyes welling up with tears as their time together came to an end, federal agents reportedly gazed at a photo of Hunter Biden's penis one last time Tuesday before officially closing the pertinent investigation. I suppose that's the end of things between you and me, old friend," said Justice Department...Read more...
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on (#6CAR5)
DORAL, FL-In response to a missing submersible intended to take tourists to the site of the Titanic wreckage, a new Carnival Cruise Line advertisement released Tuesday claimed we don't look so bad now, do we? Everyone always said that our ships are floating, disease-ridden hellholes, but with everything going on, it...Read more...
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on (#6CANZ)
Elizabeth Gilbert, the bestselling author of Eat, Pray, Love, announced that she is halting the release of her next book following a massive" backlash about its setting in Russia. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6CAP0)
BALTIMORE, MD-Calling the trial a huge breakthrough in behavioral science, researchers at Johns Hopkins University announced Tuesday they had trained mice to choose between life-saving medications and other essentials. In this first-of-its-kind experiment, we were able to successfully teach rodents to make a...Read more...
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on (#6CAKC)
TAOS, NM-Watching the odd phenomenon form on the horizon, local man Charles Roche told reporters Tuesday that hopefully the mushroom cloud was nothing major. Looks a bit ominous I suppose, but it probably doesn't pose any kind of big threat," said Roche, adding that there was a good chance that the quickly expanding...Read more...
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