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on (#62KGH)
GALENA, IL—Watching as it frantically circled its next meal with no regard for basic etiquette, insect sources confirmed Wednesday that an impatient, overzealous fly couldn’t even wait for shit to drop from a dog’s asshole. “Whoa, slow down, pal—I get that you’re excited about the fresh poop and all, but don’t you…Read more...
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The Onion
| Link | https://theonion.com/ |
| Feed | https://www.theonion.com/rss |
| Updated | 2024-11-23 19:46 |
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on (#62KG5)
According to a new Pew research poll, just under half of American teenagers describe themselves as “almost constantly” online, a huge jump from 24% in 2015, with YouTube and TikTok being the platforms that are the most used. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#62JW5)
Scientists have concluded that a climate change has doubled the likelihood over the next four decades of California experiencing a megaflood, in which a series of storms could dump several feet of rain over weeks, submerging cities and displacing millions of people. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#62JSZ)
WILSON, WY—As Humvees and Halliburton tanks rolled across the state’s borders under cover of darkness, former Vice President Dick Cheney reportedly commanded a full-scale invasion of Wyoming early Tuesday in an effort to bolster his daughter’s reelection chances. “The corrupt campaigns in Wyoming’s congressional…Read more...
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on (#62JJ7)
FARMINGTON HILLS, MI—Failing to live up to his potential to be one of the most notorious serial killers of all time, unambitious psychopath Jared Darby was still only killing small animals, sources confirmed Tuesday. “You’d think that after all this time he’d have moved on to killing people, but no, he’s still just…Read more...
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on (#62JAF)
NEW YORK—An exhaustive report drawing on data compiled over the past several decades and released Tuesday concluded that nothing beats seeing the New York Yankees lose at home. “After observing millions of different scenarios, we have confirmed that seeing the Yankees lose a home game and watching their awful fans…Read more...
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on (#62J8Q)
WASHINGTON—Highlighting a variety of groundbreaking infrastructure projects, the U.S. Department of Transportation announced Tuesday it would allocate $2 billion toward a major new initiative to finally make the nation look all futuristic and shit. “Everything is going to have this super sleek and angular design, and…Read more...
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on (#62J6G)
Police in Florida are asking people to stop interrupting manatees while they’re mating after beachgoers were seen trying to touch the mammals while they engaged in a group mating session known as a “manatee ball”. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#62J68)
Capital punishment is an extremely controversial part of an already-fraught U.S. justice system. The Onion asked everyday Americans why they support it, and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#62J69)
YOUR LOCATION—Stressing that you probably had hundreds of good ideas in your head that deserved to be shared, a study released Tuesday found that you should talk more and that people want to hear what you think. “You doubt yourself too much—everyone feels that way,” read the report in part, questioning the way…Read more...
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on (#62HKE)
Newly unsealed search warrants related to the FBI’s raid at Mar-a-Lago show the former president is being investigated by the Department of Justice for potential violations of the Espionage Act related to the 11 sets of classified records recovered at his estate. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#62HKF)
ST. LOUIS—Touting their continued support of citizens in the city’s economically disadvantaged neighborhoods, officials in St. Louis told reporters Monday that their primary investment in the community came through the police department’s wrongful death settlements. “Millions of dollars have been pumped into our most…Read more...
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on (#62H31)
FBI agents raided former President Donald Trump’s Mar-a-Lago resort last week. The Onion provides exclusive access to what the federal law enforcement agency seized.Read more...
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on (#62H32)
AUSTIN, TX—Calling it a “vital” first step toward regulating mass shootings, Texas lawmakers passed a new law Monday that requires gun buyers to show proof of mental illness. “Starting today, all prospective firearm owners must be evaluated by a state-licensed physician and be able to document that they currently…Read more...
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on (#62GYQ)
Researchers have published a new study in which they observed that at night baby jumping spiders showed patterns such as legs twitchings and eyes flickering that looked very similar to REM sleep, an active phase of sleep experienced by humans. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#62EXV)
An armed man suspected of trying to breach the FBI’s Cincinnati field office was killed after an hours-long standoff with law enforcement, the attack coming just days after agents from the bureau served a search warrant at the home of former president Trump. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#62EPH)
BURBANK, CA—Visibly shaken with fresh bruising on his face, Warner Bros. Discovery CEO David Zaslav announced Friday that the studio had no plans to scrap upcoming DC Comics film The Flash at this time. “I just wanted to take a moment to clarify that The Flash will be released as planned in June 2023, despite, um,…Read more...
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on (#62EP1)
PALM BEACH, FLORIDA—Faxing the government agency a detailed invoice days after a raid at the property, a Mar-A-Lago front desk employee reportedly sent the FBI an itemized bill Friday for their 12-hour stay at the resort. “Thank you for visiting Mar-A-Lago, please find an itemized invoice of your expenses attached,”…Read more...
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on (#62EEW)
After an FBI raid on Donald Trump’s residence at Mar-A-Lago, many are questioning whether the 45th president of the United States should run again for office. The Onion asked everyday Americans what they thought, and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#62EA9)
CHARLESTON, SC—Confessing that this was always the hardest part of his job, local oncologist Dr. William Barlowe told reporters Friday that he wasn’t sure how to break the news to his patient that they were born in America. “It’s sad, but as a medical professional, I have no choice but to sit this man down, look him…Read more...
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on (#62E83)
WASHINGTON—Saying the infrastructure project would significantly cut drive times nationwide, the Department of Transportation announced plans Friday to reduce commutes by adding highway nitro strips. “These booster strips will help everyday Americans reach their office safely and in a fraction of the time by rocketing…Read more...
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on (#62E84)
ATLANTA—Nursing a headache as he tried to piece together where he parked his shuttle, hungover astronaut James Caudry woke up in bed Friday with no idea how he made it back to Earth. “Ugh, the last thing I remember, I was reconnecting a satellite cable with a few buddies from the ISS, and the next thing I know I’m…Read more...
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on (#62E7T)
A new study has found that women can have three types of orgasms, test subjects using a bluetooth-connected vibrator to record the pelvic floor contraction patterns: an avalanche, a volcano, or a wave, with the wave motion being the most common. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#62DNA)
NEW YORK—Claiming the trauma experienced by former iCarly star had all the makings of television gold, Nickelodeon reportedly offered Thursday to buy the TV rights to Jennette McCurdy’s new memoir I’m Glad My Mom Died. “Nickelodeon would like to submit a bid to secure the rights to Jennette McCurdy’s harrowing memoir…Read more...
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on (#62DMX)
Former President Trump invoked his Fifth Amendment right against self-incrimination during a deposition in the New York Attorney General’s probe into the Trump Organization’s business practices, a move he once claimed was a sign of guilt. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#62CXM)
With artificial intelligence becoming more advanced every year, a number of high-ranking experts have begun to sound the alarm. The Onion asked several CEOs what they most feared about AI, and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#62CXN)
Chilean authorities are investigating after a massive 105-foot-wide, 656-foot-deep sinkhole suddenly appeared in the north of the country last week. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#62CDW)
A 17-year-old from Nebraska and her mother are facing criminal charges for performing an illegal abortion after police obtained from Facebook the pair’s private chat history, in which the mother says she bought her daughter abortion pills. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#62CAB)
WASHINGTON—In an effort to better verify participants’ eligibility, the U.S. Department of Agriculture announced Wednesday that recipients of Supplemental Nutrition Assistance Program benefits would now be required to eat all of their groceries on the spot. “Our mission has always been to help families in need, but if…Read more...
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on (#62C9Y)
SAN QUENTIN, CA—Advising inmates to be ready with the proper funds available in their accounts, a new policy at San Quentin State Prison charges those in custody $1 per minute for time with a family photo, sources reported Wednesday. “As of today, it will cost $3 to begin looking at an image of a loved one, and then…Read more...
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on (#62BS6)
WASHINGTON—Implying that he likely wouldn’t have earned the spot without a healthy dose of nepotism, NASA crew members told reporters Wednesday that astronaut Joseph Mesic was clearly only selected for their mission because he was related to the moon. “Right from the beginning, it’s been extremely clear that Joseph…Read more...
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on (#62BS7)
CHICAGO—Touting its trendy, male-centric healthcare product, a new company called “BroSludge” debuted a marketing campaign Wednesday advertising orange guck for men. “When men need to rock and roll and hit the town, there’s nothing like ‘BroSludge’ to give you the guck you need,” said CEO Brandon Blake, who appeared…Read more...
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on (#62BNK)
A prominent French scientist has apologized after tweeting a photo of a slice of chorizo that he claimed was a deep-space image of a “distant star” snapped by the James Webb Telescope. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#62B1X)
BEDMINSTER, NJ—Upon realizing the FBI had only searched his Florida home for classified White House documents, former President Donald J. Trump expressed relief to reporters Tuesday, saying that he had assumed the early morning raid of his Palm Beach resort was all about the bodies. “Thank God! When I first heard…Read more...
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on (#62AZ8)
JUPITER, FL—Suggesting the upcoming U.S. Open could very well be her last tournament, Serena Williams announced Tuesday she would soon be retiring from tennis to focus on dominating the field of motherhood. “I’ve had my eye on becoming the greatest mother in the world for a long time, and I have now reached the point…Read more...
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on (#62AY9)
LOS ANGELES—Claiming she would cherish the headlines they made together for the rest of her life, reality TV star Kim Kardashian vowed Tuesday to never forget the incredible publicity she shared with Saturday Night Live alumnus Pete Davidson. “The last nine months were some of the most widely publicized of my entire…Read more...
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