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The Onion
| Link | https://theonion.com/ |
| Feed | https://www.theonion.com/rss |
| Updated | 2025-07-07 12:30 |
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on (#69P1D)
Eighty-one-year-old Senate Republican leader Mitch McConnell suffered a concussion after tripping during a private dinner event at a D.C. hotel and remains hospitalized “for a few days of observation and treatment.” What do you think?Read more...
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on (#69NV3)
LONDON—In an attempt to determine how attendees might react to his latest research, a scientist speaking at the Third International Summit on Human Genome Editing this week reportedly wanted to know where his colleagues stood before he pulled the curtain off a giant cage. “It’s a great honor to present my work to this…Read more...
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on (#69NP8)
JACKSONVILLE, FL—Promising the incredibly cheap and easy procedure would ultimately change patients’ lives forever, YouTube star MrBeast released a video Friday in which he re-blinded 1,000 people. “Today is awesome, because starting right now, we’re going to find hundreds of formerly blind people, stab them in the…Read more...
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on (#69MNS)
PASADENA, CA—Indicating concern that an inaccuracy might be recorded in her medical chart, local dog Potato Morrison expressed annoyance toward her veterinarian Thursday after she was weighed her with both her jacket and boots still on. “Eight pounds? You’ve gotta be kidding me—there’s no way that’s right,” said the…Read more...
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on (#69M76)
SUITLAND, MD—Saying that at this point she just wondered how long it would take everyone to notice, U.S. Census Bureau employee Rita Edmond confided to reporters Thursday that, out of sheer boredom, she had changed every Ohio resident’s name to Laura. “Ever since I randomly decided to do it this morning, all 11.78…Read more...
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on (#69M77)
TALLAHASSEE, FL—Touting the nutrition plan as a way to keep children alert and engaged during the school day, Gov. Ron DeSantis announced Thursday that he would be overseeing a new program offering Florida students free force-fed meals. “Every child has the right to be force-fed until they’re physically ill,” said…Read more...
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on (#69KJJ)
Walgreens announced that it will not carry abortion pills in several GOP-led states after receiving pressure from anti-abortion lawmakers and lawsuits targeting the legality of medication abortion. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#69JYG)
Women form an embattled—yet vitally important—minority across the developed world, with recent census estimates suggesting there could be as many as 15,000 of them in the United States alone. Precisely because of the challenges women face, our most powerful institutions must stand up for this small but influential…Read more...
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on (#69JTD)
On this International Women’s Day, The Onion devotes its sterling reportage to championing women—a small but influential sliver of the nation’s population—in an endeavor to prevent them from vanishing from the public consciousness entirely.
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on (#69HYE)
DALLAS—Neither bold nor committed enough to enact true environmental change, local chickenshit Anthony Stanback decided Tuesday that instead of blowing up an oil refinery, he would try to eat more locally sourced food. “I guess it wouldn’t hurt to start hitting up the farmers market more often,” said the 31-year-old…Read more...
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on (#69HKG)
Since a train carrying hundreds of thousands of pounds of toxic chemicals derailed in East Palestine, OH, railroad executives have repeatedly lied to the town’s residents about the accident’s severity. Here are the biggest lies that Norfolk Southern has told those affected by the disaster.Read more...
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on (#69GRT)
LOS GATOS, CA—In a statement confirming the 46th president of the United States would not be providing it with so much as a voice-over, let alone an onscreen appearance, Netflix announced Monday there was no way in hell it would give President Joe Biden a five-episode nature special after he left office. “You’re out…Read more...
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on (#69GRV)
The Geospatial Information Authority of Japan recently revealed an updated map of the nation showing 7,000 new islands added to the region, an increase officials attribute to advances in surveying technology and the detail of the maps used for the count. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#69GG5)
SAN FRANCISCO—After it dropped clear hints that it wanted to end the back and forth of the artificial conversation, sources reported Monday that AI chatbot ChatGPT was obviously trying to wind down its conversation with a boring human. “Due to increased server traffic, our session should be ending soon,” said the…Read more...
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on (#69GG6)
INDIANAPOLIS—In an effort to gain a fuller picture of prospective players and ensure they would be good fits for the teams that drafted them, a new NFL Scouting Combine drill tested a player’s ability to half-ass a taping of a local sandwich shop commercial, sources confirmed Monday. “As part of our new drill, invited…Read more...
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on (#69GCZ)
WELLS, ME—Noting that his significant growth had prepared him for a real relationship, local man Will Davenport confirmed Monday that he was finally loving and mature enough to be a good partner now that he was no longer attractive. “Having lived most of my life as an emotionally inept womanizer, I’m happy to say I’ve…Read more...
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on (#69GC1)
The infamous AI program ChatGPT has been given various ethical safeguards to prevent it from answering inflammatory, dangerous, or otherwise inappropriate questions. Here are questions that ChatGPT is not allowed to answer.Read more...
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on (#69E5F)
ITHACA, NY—Barricading themselves for safety against an onslaught of seemingly brain-dead colleagues with outstretched hands, Black employees at Steerforth Industries reportedly boarded up their break room Friday against a ravenous horde of white coworkers reaching to touch their hair. “Braiiiiids, braiiiiiids!”…Read more...
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on (#69E5G)
The Conservative Political Action Conference kicked off this week. The Onion examines the most controversial statements made by CPAC speakers.Read more...
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on (#69DRH)
A 50-year-old California man has been certified a Guinness World Record holder after visiting Disneyland nearly 2,995 times in a row, with his streak beginning in 2012 and ending when the park closed for the pandemic in 2020. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#69D8A)
WASHINGTON—Advertising the event as a chance to interact personally with a conservative icon, organizers confirmed Thursday that the 2023 Conservative Political Action Conference would feature a new exhibit where visitors could purchase and toss pieces of raw chicken to Rudy Giuliani. “This year, for $5 a pop,…Read more...
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on (#69CWD)
WASHINGTON—Jeopardizing its creditworthiness and standing on the global stage, the United States has so far added nearly $19 trillion to the national debt through repeated unsuccessful efforts to win its girlfriend a toy from an arcade’s claw machine, sources reported Thursday. “Right, little more, little left—stop!”…Read more...
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on (#69CNZ)
Two weeks after its release, Hogwarts Legacy has become one of the fastest-selling video games of all time, despite controversy surrounding Harry Potter creator J.K. Rowling. The Onion takes a deep dive into everything you need to know about Hogwarts Legacy.
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on (#69CHH)
PASO ROBLES, CA—Noting that she had procrastinated cleaning him for so long that he had developed a thick, impenetrable layer of grime, local woman Tiffany Watters told reporters Thursday that she had left her filthy, grease-covered boyfriend in the kitchen sink to soak for a few hours. “It’s disgusting, I know, but…Read more...
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on (#69CH1)
Making love can often be far more dangerous than expected. The Onion examines sex-related injuries that could send you to the hospital.Read more...
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on (#69C0X)
The expansion of SNAP benefits, also known as food stamps, that were put in place during the height of the Covid-19 pandemic is ending, pushing about 32 million Americans off a “hunger cliff.” What do you think?Read more...
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on (#69BCC)
NEW YORK—Expressing confidence that the new technology wasn’t a threat, FinCorp Solutions CEO Charles Markham reportedly expressed relief Wednesday that artificial intelligence could never replace him if he already contributed nothing to the company. “I actually don’t do anything, so there’s nothing the computer can…Read more...
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on (#69BCD)
STOCKHOLM—With sales of the spirit reportedly tripling after the commercial was broadcast in the United States, Swedish vodka brand Absolut debuted a new ad Wednesday that features a mom swaying back and forth with one eye closed as she tells the camera how she used to dance. “Your mom was quite the dancer, you know,”…Read more...
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on (#69BA1)
The company that distributes “Dilbert” has cut ties with creator Scott Adams after he made racist remarks about Black Americans in a YouTube video that led hundreds of newspapers across the country to drop the satirical cartoon. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#69AJ2)
WASHINGTON—Expressing deep skepticism about the constitutionality of such executive actions, members of the Supreme Court’s conservative majority raised questions during oral arguments Tuesday about whether the president was legally allowed to improve the lives of Americans. “Our founders, in their abundant wisdom,…Read more...
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on (#69AFW)
DECATUR, GA—Decorated with hearts and smiley faces, a note from a Shein factory worker found Tuesday in local woman Amelia Benson’s order described how much the employee loves doing sweatshop labor for the fast-fashion company. “My job is great! You should order more clothes, because I love making them!” read the…Read more...
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on (#69A0G)
KYIV, UKRAINE—Pointing out that every armored vehicles they have received to date lacked signatures of basketball greats, Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelensky requested Tuesday that the United States government send a tank autographed by Shaquille O’Neal. “While we appreciate the many Javelin anti-aircraft systems…Read more...
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on (#69A0H)
Researchers have confirmed the existence of a distinct structure inside our planet’s inner core, saying the newly discovered “innermost inner core” is a solid ball of iron and nickel about 800 miles wide that could help inform the evolution of Earth’s magnetic field. What do you think?Read more...
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