 |
on (#630YW)
CLEVELAND—Stressing that it never hurt to cover your bases, local surgeon Dr. Alicia Harkins reportedly completed the procedure for tying a patient’s fallopian tubes Monday by salting and cursing the woman’s uterus for good measure. “Hear me, oh spirits! Grant that this uterus become entirely fallow and forever…Read more...
|
The Onion
| Link | https://theonion.com/ |
| Feed | https://www.theonion.com/rss |
| Updated | 2024-11-27 14:31 |
 |
 |
on (#630TT)
Dinosaur tracks from around 113 million years ago have been revealed in Texas due to severe drought conditions that dried up a river, the footprints belonging to an Acrocanthosaurus—a theropod that stood 15 feet and weighed 7 tons. What do you think?Read more...
|
 |
on (#630TV)
LOS ANGELES—A new film starring Kevin Hart and Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson reportedly received lavish praise from critics Monday for the movie’s fresh commentary on the two actors’ contrasting sizes. “Yes, themes of size discrepancy have been explored since the dawn of cinema history, but Johnson and Hart breathe new…Read more...
|
 |
on (#62YQ0)
HUNTSVILLE, AL—Expressing disbelief that their advice had been ignored yet again, astronomers held a press conference Friday in which they said they told you that earlier this month would be your best chance to see the Perseid meteor shower—they fucking told you—and you went and squandered it. “What did we goddamn…Read more...
|
 |
|
on (#62Y0Y)
The Japanese tax agency announced a national “business contest” for young people to come up with promotional ideas encouraging their demographic to drink more alcohol in an effort to help boost the economy as it attempts to bounce back from the Covid pandemic. What do you think?Read more...
|
 |
 |
 |
on (#62XC6)
BROOKLYN, NY—The cloud that hung over the Brooklyn Nets’ upcoming season amid tensions between their star players was seemingly lifted Thursday amid reports that Kevin Durant and Kyrie Irving had agreed to remain teammates so long as they never have to be in the same room together. “They’re both incredibly talented…Read more...
|
 |
on (#62X9Z)
LOS ANGELES—Numerous rumors were reportedly swirling Thursday about LeBron James’ future after the NBA superstar deleted all pictures of basketballs from his Instagram. “Whoa, every single picture of LeBron with a basketball is just gone—what does it mean?” asked Instagram user paper_chase0909, one of millions of fans…Read more...
|
|
on (#62WNP)
The Russian government has announced it is reviving the Soviet-era honorary title “Mother Heroine” for women who have 10 or more children, as it confronts a population decline that has worsened since its invasion of Ukraine. What do you think?Read more...
|
 |
 |
on (#62W19)
PRAHOVO, SERBIA—Along a stretch of the Danube where German warships were sunk in World War II, water levels have dropped to their lowest levels in nearly a century, revealing what sources described Wednesday as a thriving underwater society of Nazis. “Climate change has unfortunately worsened this year’s drought to…Read more...
|
 |
on (#62VZ4)
A federal jury has found two men guilty of conspiring to kidnap Michigan Governor Gretchen Whitmer in 2020, with the men now facing a maximum sentence of life in prison. What do you think?Read more...
|
 |
 |
on (#62VDP)
Amid budget cuts, restrictive curricula, and increasing threats to their safety, more and more teachers are opting to switch careers. The Onion asked teachers to explain why they are quitting their jobs, and this is what they said.Read more...
|
 |
|
on (#62VB4)
Researchers will attempt to resurrect the Tasmanian tiger, officially known as a thylacine, which used to roam the Australian bush, with the ambitious project harnessing advances in genetics, ancient DNA retrieval and artificial reproduction. What do you think?Read more...
|
 |
on (#62VB5)
LONDON—In an effort to ensure the iconic clock tower maintained its pristine appearance for years to come, authorities at the Houses of Parliament announced Wednesday that Big Ben was undergoing routine cleaning to remove any hapless tourists dangling from the minute hand. “Over the past months, the clock face has…Read more...
|
 |
on (#62VB6)
TROMSØ, NORWAY—Assuring his family and himself that two years would be over before they knew it, tearful Norwegian teen Svein Eriksen reportedly bid goodbye to his parents Wednesday before leaving for his mandatory national service in a black-metal band. “I know I must serve my country by playing bass and writing…Read more...
|
 |
on (#62TRN)
WASHINGTON—In an effort to thank the outgoing director for his more than 50 years of dedicated public service, employees at the National Institute of Allergy and Infectious Diseases told reporters Tuesday they had given Dr. Anthony Fauci rubella as a retirement gift. “After all his hard work at the NIAID and serving…Read more...
|
|
on (#62TPD)
Dr. Anthony Fauci, the nation’s top infectious disease expert who became a household name during the coronavirus pandemic, announced he will leave the federal government in December, capping off more than five decades of public service. What do you think?Read more...
|
 |
on (#62TBE)
BOSTON—Suddenly unable to recall his years of prior training in the heat of the moment, medical student Edward Hernon confirmed Tuesday he had totally blanked on the proper procedure to solemnly close a dead patient’s eyelids. “Okay, we just recorded the time of death, and I know I’m supposed to somberly give this guy…Read more...
|
 |
 |
on (#62T6R)
While it’s obvious to anyone with common sense that workers don’t deserve fair wages, The Onion asked Americans across the country to explain why the minimum wage should not be increased.Read more...
|
 |
on (#62T1V)
CHICAGO—Alerting occupants that the private residence would be undergoing maintenance and remodeling, local landlord Keith Witman informed his tenants Tuesday of upcoming improvements to his lake house. “I’m emailing to let you all know that over the coming months, I will be making extensive upgrades to my weekend…Read more...
|
 |
on (#62T0E)
AMAGANSETT, NY—Admitting they were experiencing major withdrawal, members of the Sackler family reportedly asked a friend Tuesday to provide them with the phone number of a hookup they could buy a pharmaceutical company from. “Gonna be honest, we’re kind of going through it right now and would appreciate it if we…Read more...
|
 |
on (#62T0F)
MÉRIDA, MEXICO—Remarking that her vacation to Mexico had been eye-opening, Denver resident and mother of three Kristine Kellen complimented several locals Tuesday on how cheap everything in their country was. “Oh my gosh, your country is so amazing—all of the food, clothes, and drinks have been one-third the price of…Read more...
|
|
on (#62T0G)
Former basketball player Dennis Rodman said he’s planning a visit to Russia to help secure the release of WNBA star Brittney Griner, who has been detained in the country since February. What do you think?Read more...
|
|
on (#62SDH)
A Massachusetts charter school wrote up an 8th grade student for a uniform infraction for wearing a hijab, with the school saying it understands its “handling of the situation came across as insensitive.” What do you think?Read more...
|
 |
 |
on (#62RY7)
DESTIN, FL—Explaining that the keepsake was provided entirely with his compliments, generous Airbnb host Miles Kuzman told departing guests Ryan Taylor and Sadie Firks that he would provide them with a copy of the footage from his hidden cameras to commemorate their visit, sources reported Monday. “As a fun little…Read more...
|
 |
on (#62RY8)
Former television host and current Trump-endorsed Republican candidate Dr. Mehmet Oz is running against Democratic Lt. Gov. John Fetterman in Pennsylvania’s U.S. Senate race. The Onion asked Pennsylvanians why they are voting for Oz, and this is what they said.Read more...
|
|
on (#62RV4)
According to a new international study, a “relatively small” nuclear conflict involving less than 3% of the world’s stockpiles could kill a third of the world’s population within two years, with hundreds of millions of starvation deaths following immediate fatalities. What do you think?Read more...
|
 |
on (#62RSB)
MANCHESTER, NH—Pleasantly surprised that the whole crew had dropped by to give a shout, exchange high-fives, and facilitate his body’s metabolic processes, local man Jake Honnold confirmed Monday morning that Vitamin C and the Nutrient Gang had made a rare and unexpected appearance in his breakfast. “I reach into the…Read more...
|
 |
on (#62RSC)
TORONTO—In the face of criticism and financial repercussions for several recent controversial statements, including the demonetization of his YouTube page, clinical psychologist and media personality Jordan Peterson told reporters Monday that he took comfort in the knowledge that his fanbase is 95% female. “Whenever…Read more...
|
 |
Determined Lab Researcher Not Giving Up On Finding Something That Can Be Cured By Drinking Own Urine
on (#62P4D)
DURHAM, NC—Undeterred by the many setbacks in his field of study, determined Duke University clinical researcher Alexander Tremblay told reporters Friday that he was not giving up on finding something that could be cured by drinking one’s own urine. “Thus far, experiments conducted in my lab have shown that migraines,…Read more...
|
 |
on (#62P2N)
ITHACA, NY—In a groundbreaking new finding that sheds light on the migration patterns of ancient Homo sapiens, a Cornell University study published Friday revealed that humans first crossed to the New World using a land bridge created from previously drowned humans. “Our research suggests the land bridge used to…Read more...
|
 |
|
on (#62P2Q)
Liz Cheney, a fierce critic of Donald Trump, has been defeated in her bid for reelection by a rival backed by the former president, strengthening Trump’s grip on the Republican party. What do you think?Read more...
|
|
on (#62NF2)
President Biden has signed into law the Inflation Reduction Act, a sweeping $750 billion health care, tax, and climate bill, that is seen as a big win for the Democrats ahead of midterms. What do you think?Read more...
|
 |
on (#62NF3)
KANSAS CITY—Following his team’s preseason game loss to the Chicago Bears, Kansas City Chiefs head coach Andy Reid on Thursday criticized Soldier Field’s eating conditions. “It is absolutely inexcusable to have to play in a stadium with low standards for burgers and pizza,” said Reid during a press conference, adding…Read more...
|
 |
on (#62ND0)
DETROIT—Delivering a crushing blow to the traditional beliefs and practices held by men nationwide, sources confirmed Thursday that American masculinity faced an existential threat after a meeting at Dynatech Telecommunication in which local employee Mark Taylor was asked by coworkers to maybe be nicer sometimes.…Read more...
|
 |
 |
on (#62MXH)
COLUMBUS, OH—Sighing with exasperation that his date decided to take off early, local boyfriend Dan Havenforth was reportedly unsure if he was also expected to leave the party Friday just because his girlfriend was heading out in an ambulance. “I’m not ready to leave yet, should I be expected to abruptly end my night…Read more...
|
 |
on (#62MXJ)
Serena Williams recently announced her retirement from tennis after a sterling career that has included 23 Grand Slam singles titles, the second-most of all time. She recently sat down with The Onion to look back on the most memorable moments of her career.
|
 |
on (#62MVF)
WADSWORTH, OH—Wanting to detect any danger before it was too late, concerned mother Kelsey Morales told reporters Thursday that she had spent hours poring over her troubled son’s journal for anything that could possibly implicate her. “There’s probably nothing to worry about, but I just want to go through it all in…Read more...
|
 |
on (#62MVG)
SANDY SPRINGS, GA—Startled by the glazed-over pair of eyes staring back at her in the mirror, local woman Kelsey Houghton confirmed Wednesday that her reflection was way drunker than she had anticipated. “Jesus fucking Christ, what happened?” said Houghton, who reportedly leaned close to the bathroom mirror,…Read more...
|
 |
on (#62MV5)
Following the Supreme Court’s landmark decision on June 24, 2022, to overturn Roe v. Wade, which affirmed a right to abortion at the federal level, The Onion provides in-depth coverage of how female reproductive rights are mangled, mutilated, and butchered at the state level.Read more...
|