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The Onion
| Link | https://theonion.com/ |
| Feed | https://www.theonion.com/rss |
| Updated | 2024-11-23 21:30 |
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on (#63D79)
SAN DIEGO—Stopping mid-bite as the truth dawned upon him, local man Drew Greiner was reportedly shocked to discover Thursday that the cannabis buds he had been eating out of a plastic bag contained marijuana.“Wait, this has weed in it? Oh my God, I just assumed they were normal plant parts,” said the house-party…Read more...
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on (#63D4P)
FRANKFORT, KY—Teaching the proper method for administering urgent, lifesaving care, a local CPR instructor recommended giving gentle forehead kisses between chest compressions so that the victim felt safe, sources reported Thursday. “Losing consciousness from respiratory or cardiac arrest is a traumatic experience, so…Read more...
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on (#63CXR)
Since Mary Peltola’s defeat of Sarah Palin in a ranked-choice election for Alaska’s congressional seat, many Republicans have publicly and emphatically denounced the practice. The Onion asked Republicans why they oppose ranked-choice, and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#63CXS)
Archaeologists have unearthed the skeletal remains of a female buried in a 17th-century Polish graveyard with a sickle pinned across her neck, a ritual during the time people believed would prevent “vampires” from rising from the dead. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#63C8N)
JERUSALEM—In a major technological breakthrough, the Israel Defense Forces reportedly deployed new low-speed rockets Wednesday that follow individual Palestinian residents around throughout the day. “Moving at speeds of three to five miles per hour, these rockets will always be trailing 10 feet behind all Palestinians…Read more...
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on (#63BMY)
“The thrill of going to jail always makes love more exciting.”Read more...
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on (#63BJN)
DALLAS—Scolding their child for not finishing his food, parents Debra and Mark Lynes reportedly forbade their 8-year-old son, Kevin, from leaving the dinner table Wednesday until he had finished the 72-ounce porterhouse steak on his plate. “You only have 15 minutes left, and you’re not even halfway done,” said Debra…Read more...
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on (#63BGT)
BROCKTON, MA—Declaring that only a complete idiot would put this roster together and expect to win a single game, local fantasy football player Taylor Mixon reportedly spent Wednesday night instinctively booing at his own draft picks. “What the hell am I doing? All of these players suck,” Mixon said as he methodically…Read more...
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on (#63BGV)
Investigators in New York seized 27 ancient artifacts valued at more than $13 million from the Metropolitan Museum of Art, asserting that the objects from Rome, Greece, and Egypt had all been looted, and will now be returned to their countries of origin. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#63BGP)
TUSCALOOSA, AL—Depicting an incredibly unusual and surprising scene involving law enforcement, a shocking viral video shared Wednesday captured calm police officers handling a situation nonviolently. “This deeply troubling video recorded by a bystander clearly shows officers calmly giving a Black driver a warning, and…Read more...
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on (#63BGQ)
IOWA FALLS, IA—Enjoying one last morning with his four-legged friends, distraught factory farmer Bill Hanrahan confirmed Wednesday that he knew he shouldn’t have named all 7,000 pigs. “I don’t know why I always make this harder than it needs to be,” said Hanrahan, choking up as he began the long process of saying…Read more...
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on (#63ARW)
New York will be the first state to offer its initial dispensary licenses solely to entrepreneurs with marijuana convictions, in a move aimed at offering an advantage to people, disproportionately in Black and brown communities, harmed by the war on drugs. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#63A85)
On Aug. 8, 2022, the FBI raided Donald Trump’s residence in search of documents he had illegally taken from the White House after his presidency. The following timeline details both the lead up to and fallout from the Justice Department’s dramatic investigation of Mar-a-Lago.Read more...
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on (#63A7W)
BRIDGEPORT, CT—Declaring that they had learned their lesson and should be allowed to try again, officials at the Bridgeport Zoo reportedly insisted Tuesday that if they could get a new gorilla they’d really take care of it this time. “Come on, please let us have a new gorilla—we’re really sorry, and we get it now!…Read more...
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on (#63A5F)
WINDSOR, CT—Seeking direction for his newfound passion, aspiring misogynist Kevin Lizowski told reporters Tuesday he hoped to find guidance online about how to better hate women. “I just wonder if anyone on the internet might have some advice that would help me develop my bigoted views and find outlets for my…Read more...
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on (#63A3Q)
LOS ANGELES—Moments after watching the advertisement for Wonderful Pistachios in exchange for free wireless access, local man Thomas Steeples reportedly opted Tuesday to click the button that would allow him to learn more about the salted snack nut. “Why, yes, I think I’d like to discover more about this company and…Read more...
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on (#638Y4)
Snapchat is the latest app to roll out parental controls in response to growing concerns about the kinds of content kids and teens can access online, but critics of parental controls say they can have unintended consequences. The Onion evaluates the pros and cons of parental controls on apps.Read more...
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on (#635GB)
OAKWOOD, OH—Noting how weird she’d been ever since the state of Ohio had required her to carry a child to term, local 5th graders told reporters Thursday that their friend Hannah who was forced to give birth only wanted to talk about baby stuff now. “It’s not like we don’t love her, but ever since she got pregnant and…Read more...
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on (#6341R)
A school district in southwestern Missouri is bringing back paddling to discipline students as an alternative to suspensions for those whose parents give permission, despite warnings from many public health experts that the practice is detrimental to students. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#633JH)
At four-year colleges, the Class of 2026 is now entering its freshman year. The Onion looks at the most surprising, insightful, and significant facts about the Class of 2026.Read more...
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on (#633JG)
EAST WINDSOR, CT—Stiffly asking if others had also been invited to the Victorian manor under mysterious circumstances, dinner party guests reportedly made awkward small talk Wednesday about how the host was murdered by someone in this very room. “Pretty weird how the lights momentarily cut out before flickering back…Read more...
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on (#633JJ)
COLUMBIA, SC—Groaning in disgust at the uncomfortable sensation, local inmate Thomas McLean reportedly regretted wearing shorts to his execution Wednesday after feeling his thighs stick to the electric chair. “Good God, I bet they never clean these things, either,” said the convicted murderer, who fidgeted in the seat…Read more...
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on (#633JK)
On Friday, Sept. 2, Amazon will premiere a highly anticipated ‘Lord Of The Rings’ prequel set thousands of years before The Hobbit. Here’s everything you need to know about The Lord Of The Rings: The Rings Of Power.Read more...
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on (#633JN)
OAK PARK, IL—Saying it could be a fun way for everyone to come together and help the neighborhood, local resident Jay Friedland posted on Nextdoor Wednesday inquiring if any local users were interested in joining a militia. “Hey, just putting feelers out there, but how many people would join up if I formed a violent…Read more...
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on (#6325Y)
NEW YORK—In an effort to expand their fan bases amid concerns about falling stadium attendance, more Major League Baseball teams are trying to attract younger audiences by offering free prostate exam days, sources reported Tuesday. “It’s no secret that we have to attract a younger audience, and we believe offering…Read more...
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on (#63225)
A double-blind randomized clinical trial has found that people with alcohol dependence who took psilocybin, a psychedelic compound in “magic mushrooms,” drank significantly less than those taking a placebo, with almost half stopping drinking alcohol altogether. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#631DA)
According to a new report from the Brookings Institute, about 16 million working-age Americans have long-term Covid, and 2 to 4 million are out of work because of its ill effects that include brain fog, anxiety, depression, fatigue, and breathing problems. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#631BS)
LOS ANGELES—In what city officials described as an ongoing effort to keep residents safe, witness confirmed a powerful tremor shook all of Southern California on Thursday as a gigantic Los Angeles Police Department robot rose from the sea to chase a homeless child away from a park. Uniformed officers were seen…Read more...
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on (#631A1)
THE HEAVENS—Excitedly checking in on Earth to see whether anyone had found His little surprise yet, God reported that as of Monday, He was still waiting for humans to discover the Easter egg feature He hid inside cows on the sixth day of creation. “Aw, man, considering how much beef humans consume, I really thought…Read more...
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on (#630YV)
BOSTON—In an attempt to reduce the workload on students who are often overburdened by homework and extracurricular activities, Boston Public Schools announced Monday that it would be waiving its sex-education requirement for students who look like they know what’s up. “In our district’s high schools, any incoming…Read more...
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on (#630YW)
CLEVELAND—Stressing that it never hurt to cover your bases, local surgeon Dr. Alicia Harkins reportedly completed the procedure for tying a patient’s fallopian tubes Monday by salting and cursing the woman’s uterus for good measure. “Hear me, oh spirits! Grant that this uterus become entirely fallow and forever…Read more...
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on (#630TT)
Dinosaur tracks from around 113 million years ago have been revealed in Texas due to severe drought conditions that dried up a river, the footprints belonging to an Acrocanthosaurus—a theropod that stood 15 feet and weighed 7 tons. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#630TV)
LOS ANGELES—A new film starring Kevin Hart and Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson reportedly received lavish praise from critics Monday for the movie’s fresh commentary on the two actors’ contrasting sizes. “Yes, themes of size discrepancy have been explored since the dawn of cinema history, but Johnson and Hart breathe new…Read more...
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on (#62YQ0)
HUNTSVILLE, AL—Expressing disbelief that their advice had been ignored yet again, astronomers held a press conference Friday in which they said they told you that earlier this month would be your best chance to see the Perseid meteor shower—they fucking told you—and you went and squandered it. “What did we goddamn…Read more...
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on (#62Y0Y)
The Japanese tax agency announced a national “business contest” for young people to come up with promotional ideas encouraging their demographic to drink more alcohol in an effort to help boost the economy as it attempts to bounce back from the Covid pandemic. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#62XC6)
BROOKLYN, NY—The cloud that hung over the Brooklyn Nets’ upcoming season amid tensions between their star players was seemingly lifted Thursday amid reports that Kevin Durant and Kyrie Irving had agreed to remain teammates so long as they never have to be in the same room together. “They’re both incredibly talented…Read more...
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