 |
on (#6DQTJ)
BURBANK, CA-Moderating from his earlier position, a softer Bob Iger told reporters Thursday that he now hopes striking creatives die painlessly. After a lot of soul searching, I've come around to idea that striking writers and actors shouldn't be in agony when they finally succumb to death," said the Disney CEO,...Read more...
|
The Onion
| Link | https://theonion.com/ |
| Feed | https://www.theonion.com/rss |
| Updated | 2025-09-19 02:33 |
 |
on (#6DQXQ)
SAN FRANCISCO-Addressing her continued health problems, a spokesman for Dianne Feinstein confirmed Thursday that the California Democrat was recovering nicely after the gurney she was on plunged down a flight of stairs and launched her into a wall just as she was about to be discharged from the hospital. Not to...Read more...
|
 |
on (#6DQDF)
WASHINGTON-Coming under fire for its unethical use of African Americans as test subjects, the U.S. government has faced criticism after revelations emerged this week regarding its decades-long Whoopee Cushion Project, which tested new pranks on Black people. Beginning in the 1930s, federal authorities sanctioned a...Read more...
|
 |
on (#6DQDG)
WASHINGTON-In his latest attempt to fulfill his campaign promise of relieving the nearly $1.8 trillion burden on U.S. citizens, President Joe Biden officially wished away student loan debt Thursday by blowing on a dandelion. Today I closed my eyes, wished for the forgiveness of all tuition-related debt for single...Read more...
|
 |
on (#6DQDH)
Video conferencing software company Zoom has announced a return to in-person work, requiring employees to be in the office at least two days a week. What do you think?Read more...
|
 |
 |
on (#6DQDK)
SCOTTS VALLEY, CA-Relying on his training in the heat of the moment, local police officer Victor Gerard reportedly played dead Thursday to get out of confronting an active school shooter. You all go ahead-I'm dying," Gerard said when he was selected to be part of a small team of armed cops that would enter the...Read more...
|
 |
on (#6DQAP)
Following Donald Trump's indictment on federal charges for attempting to overturn the 2020 election, Mike Pence has made headlines as a potential witness for the prosecution. The Onion sits down with the former vice president to discuss his political principles.Read more...
|
 |
on (#6DPSY)
A driver in Pennsylvania crashed their car into the second floor of a house, with photos from the scene showing the side of the vehicle lodged into the home with its back wheels dangling off the roof. What do you think?Read more...
|
 |
on (#6DPPC)
ARLINGTON, VA-Nervously pacing the office after the Asian leader finally responded to their repeated provocations, Pentagon officials were reportedly panicking Wednesday after Chinese president Xi Jinping showed up to fight them in the parking lot. Oh shit, oh shit-Jinping's out there, and he looks super pissed,"...Read more...
|
 |
 |
on (#6DP8S)
PORTLAND, OR-In a sudden interjection amidst a casual exchange about an unrelated topic, local white liberal Kyle Newmar remarked, Queer, Black, POC," as a random non sequitur in the middle of a conversation. Intersectionality...systemic racism...oh, and Latinx, also," said the 32-year-old self-described progressive,...Read more...
|
|
on (#6DP8T)
After an illustrator admitted to using AI to help design commissioned artwork for a sourcebook, Dungeons & Dragons released a statement announcing that AI-generated art would be banned moving forward. What do you think?Read more...
|
 |
on (#6DP8V)
PragerU, a far-right advocacy group, recently announced that its educational materials had been approved for use in the state of Florida. Test your knowledge to see if you can pass a PragerU class.Read more...
|
 |
on (#6DP8W)
CHICAGO-In a discussion with reporters following the team's practice, Chicago Bears quarterback Justin Fields praised the team's receivers Wednesday for running routes despite him having no intention to ever throw the ball. I tell these guys all the time, thank you for really putting your all into learning the routes...Read more...
|
 |
on (#6DP8X)
CHICAGO-Noting there's no price to admission, local stepdad Dale Tatum claimed Wednesday that watching raccoons fight by the dumpster was better than any zoo. Look at those little furry shits go at it! Won't get that at a damn zoo," said Tatum, chugging beer while explaining that he couldn't get as good of a buzz at...Read more...
|
 |
on (#6DP8Y)
COLUMBUS, OH-Slurring their words while issuing a barrage of loud complaints, coworkers of local brown-nosing employee Kathleen Morris told reporters Wednesday that she never showed up drunk to meetings. That absolute kiss-ass has never once arrived halfway through a meeting completely hammered," said visibly drunk...Read more...
|
 |
on (#6DNJH)
TAMPA, FL-In an effort to squeeze in all their usual activities during their annual visit to Tampa Bay, 43-year-old Ron Ortega told reporters Tuesday he had scheduled family fights into this year's vacation itinerary. We're going to be pretty tired after going to the beach in the mornings, so setting aside a few...Read more...
|
 |
 |
on (#6DNEK)
PHILADELPHIA-A new study published Tuesday by researchers at the Wharton School of Business found that each year, U.S. employees waste 2 million hours spending time with their friends and family. More than 135 million individuals are employed full-time in this country, and collectively, they squander a staggering...Read more...
|
 |
 |
on (#6DN8H)
As corporations become more comfortable expressing political positions, conservatives have resorted to boycotts in an effort to protect their most valued beliefs. Here are the top woke" brands that right-leaning patriots should never purchase.Read more...
|
 |
on (#6DN8J)
In the wake of America's surprise ouster from the Women's World Cup, conservatives have reacted with scorn for the U.S. Soccer Team. Here are some of their strongest responses to the loss.Read more...
|
 |
on (#6DN5E)
LONDON-Picking up the phone with excitement, local woman Sally Hartford's mood reportedly soured Tuesday after realizing her friend was only calling because he needed a trivia answer on a live game show again. Hey! I've been meaning to call you, actually, my mom is in the hosp-oh, you want to know what the largest...Read more...
|
|
on (#6DN5F)
A Somalian sports official has been suspended after a seemingly untrained sprinter, who was a relative of hers, represented the country at a competition in China, where she clocked the event's slowest-ever 100-meter time at 21 seconds. What do you think?Read more...
|
 |
on (#6DN5G)
WESTFORD, MA-Noting that he had been letting his ideas percolate for the past few years, local man August Morris wrote Tuesday on Instagram, Hey, I know I haven't posted any new music in a while," in what was said to be the most humiliating social media post of the 37-year-old's life. Definitely been a minute, but...Read more...
|
|
on (#6DMJX)
X, the site formerly known as Twitter, is now letting its Blue subscribers hide the once-coveted verification blue check"-the status symbol they pay $8 a month for-on their account. What do you think?Read more...
|
|
on (#6DM2Q)
New CDC analysis shows that cases of Leprosy, also known as Hansen's disease, are surging in central Florida, with the region accounting for nearly one fifth of reported cases in the U.S. What do you think?Read more...
|
 |
|
on (#6DJCG)
Canadian prime minister Justin Trudeau announced on social media Wednesday that he and his wife Sophie are separating after 18 years of marriage. What do you think?Read more...
|
 |
on (#6DJ9N)
WASHINGTON-Granting the cleaning implement full legal authority over her personal affairs, Sen. Dianne Feinstein (D-CA) reportedly ceded her power of attorney on Friday to a broom resembling her daughter. At my age, it's important to have a dependable family member I can rely on, and there's no one I trust more than...Read more...
|
 |
on (#6DJ9P)
WASHINGTON-Noting that children were safer now that these sick individuals were off the street, the FBI arrested millions of Americans Friday who did not see Sound Of Freedom under suspicion of child trafficking. Today, we've detained countless citizens believed to be child traffickers who clearly did not see Sound O...Read more...
|
 |
on (#6DHX7)
WASHINGTON-In an effort to lay to rest questions concerning his health, President Joe Biden attempted to prove his fitness Friday by having his Secret Service detail drag his limp body around the South Lawn of the White House. As you can clearly see, I have more than enough stamina to serve another four-year term,"...Read more...
|
 |
on (#6DHX8)
LAPOINTE, DE-Speaking at a press conference to a community looking for answers hours after a brutal slaughter at a local mall left four people dead and six wounded, members of the LaPointe Police Department confirmed Friday that the mass shooter's motivation sounded pretty compelling. We have, as a country, suffered...Read more...
|
|
on (#6DHC4)
Former President Donald Trump has been indicted for his attempts to overturn the 2020 election, the third time in four months that the former U.S. president has been criminally charged. What do you think?Read more...
|
 |
on (#6DH8G)
CHICAGO-Clicking on a photo of a bowl of noodles overlaid with the text Dinner," local depressed woman Alice Priestley confirmed Thursday that her sole source of pleasure was looking at pictures of food on restaurant websites. That looks good," said Priestley, who experienced the most interest she had felt in...Read more...
|
|
on (#6DGVC)
A zoo in China is denying accusations that its bears are people dressed in costume after photos of one of their Malyasian Sun Bears standing on its hind legs went viral for looking suspiciously similar to a man in a bear suit. What do you think?Read more...
|
|
on (#6DGC7)
Twitter's new X sign has been taken down after complaints from residents about intense light shining into homes and the sign lacking safety permits from the city. What do you think?Read more...
|
 |
on (#6DG5T)
WASHINGTON-In a bombshell 45-page indictment that shed new light on Donald Trump's plot to overturn the 2020 election, prosecutors revealed Tuesday that the former president strapped a bomb to Barron Trump and no one cared. On Jan. 6, 2020, Donald J. Trump refused to abdicate power and then, in a series of statements...Read more...
|
 |
 |
on (#6DG24)
NEW YORK-Taken aback by the pop-up that had appeared on the screen before him, local man Don Hedrick told reporters Wednesday he was in a panic after receiving a notice from JazzTimes.com that informed him this was the first of his three free articles on the website. Oh God, only three? So I've already burned through...Read more...
|
 |
on (#6DFVS)
LOS ANGELES-In a last-ditch effort to turn a profit on the lackluster feature, Paramount Pictures managed to salvage a terrible film's box-office numbers by promoting it as the movie liberals don't want you to see, sources within the studio confirmed Wednesday. We thought slapping the title Sweet Land Of Liberty on...Read more...
|
 |
on (#6DF4X)
Put that painful divorce behind you with this 456-sq.-ft. studio apt. The kitchenette is ideal for microwaving half of a Subway meatball sub, while the living space adequately accommodates the futon on which both Connor and Tyler will be sleeping every other weekend. Plus, the cozy shower stall is a perfect place to...Read more...
|
 |
 |
on (#6DF11)
BOSTON-Calling the claims he has made about his position in life completely unhinged," sources reported Tuesday that delusional local man Mike Caravatta actually believes he is important enough to be a cog in the machine. The 34-year-old deranged narcissist is said to have loftily described himself as but one...Read more...
|
 |
on (#6DERF)
WASHINGTON-According to a poll released Tuesday by the Pew Research Center, 83% of voters think of Ron DeSantis as the presidential candidate they could most imagine drinking a beer alone. We surveyed over a thousand likely voters and found that out of every Republican seeking the nomination, Gov. DeSantis is the one...Read more...
|
 |
on (#6DER9)
BLOOMINGTON, IL-In an effort to offer a more competitive slate of financial protections for modern hazards, State Farm unveiled a new insurance policy Tuesday that protects customers against Jackson Mahomes. Residents in the Kansas City area, as well as in cities where the Chiefs' divisional rivals play, are at high...Read more...
|
|
on (#6DERA)
Meta's new app Threads has lost about half its 100 million users after the app's launch a month ago, with Mark Zuckerberg calling the regression normal and pledging to add more features to keep users engaged. What do you think?Read more...
|
 |
on (#6DE9Z)
PALM BEACH, FL-Though new charges are expected soon from both special counsel Jack Smith and a Georgia investigation of the former president, the Trump campaign was said to be privately worried Monday that there still might not be enough indictments to meet all their fundraising targets. Frankly, we've got some...Read more...
|
 |