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on (#6AZR3)
BRIDGEWATER, PA—Whisking him back to the seemingly endless hours he spent on lockdown all those years ago, a shooting Thursday at the office of Keystone Accountants reportedly made local tax preparer Josh Elias, 30, nostalgic for his elementary school days. “Wow, I heard all those ‘pop pop’ noises and screams, and it…Read more...
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The Onion
| Link | https://theonion.com/ |
| Feed | https://www.theonion.com/rss |
| Updated | 2025-07-07 14:15 |
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on (#6AYG2)
WICHITA, KS—Touting the best and brightest residents who live within the mid-sized city’s borders, local magazine Wichita Monthly published a 30-under-30 list Wednesday that was all just people with normal careers. The multipage spread, which featured several headshots of average people, included lengthy biographies…Read more...
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on (#6AYG5)
DES MOINES, IA—Noting that his position made him the de facto first line of defense against an active shooter, employees at local company Corimer Interactive told reporters Wednesday they had assessed the front desk guy for his willingness to take a bullet. “Honestly, I don’t know much about him yet, but from what I…Read more...
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on (#6AYG7)
OLATHE, KS—Disappointed with the consequences of an increased female presence in sports, local fan Will Collier told reporters Wednesday that he respects women too much to see their bodies commodified as athletes. “It just doesn’t feel right to see women used as products and merchandise for people to purchase,” said…Read more...
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on (#6AY08)
TALLAHASSEE, FL—Saying he was happy to finally bury the hatchet with the major corporation after months of difficult dialogue, Gov. Ron DeSantis announced Tuesday that he had ended his feud with Disney after being given a guest role on The Mandalorian. “I couldn’t be more excited to let bygones be bygones and announce…Read more...
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on (#6AXWJ)
JEFFERSON CITY, MO—In an effort to curb violence in the state, Missouri Gov. Mike Parson reportedly signed a law Tuesday requiring all residents to have a license and permit to operate a doorbell. “All prospective doorbell users will now be required to complete an eight-week training course so they learn the ins and…Read more...
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on (#6AXCD)
With the fentanyl crisis continuing to spiral out of control in the United States, The Onion asked prominent Republicans and business leaders how they would get the deadly drug off the street, and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#6AXCE)
PORTSMOUTH, NH—Insisting that the statement had simply slipped out of his mouth before he could stop himself, embarrassed Seacoast Ventures employee Kevin Bryant told reporters Tuesday that he had accidentally said “Hello” to his coworker instead of “I feel like crying all the time.” “Oh God, I totally misspoke back…Read more...
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on (#6AXCF)
Authorities reported that a hippopotamus descended from animals illegally brought to Colombia by the late drug kingpin Pablo Escobar has died in a collision with an SUV on a highway near Escobar’s hacienda. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6AXBC)
ST. LOUIS, MO—Saying there was a 70-80% success rate for those who opted for the procedure, a new report from the University of Washington in St. Louis found that more couples were considering IVF as an alternative to traditional methods of bankruptcy. “In the last few decades, we’ve seen a large spike in Americans…Read more...
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on (#6AXAN)
NEW YORK—In a brazen display of authoritarianism that would no doubt terrify privacy advocates worldwide, Orwellian IT professional Kevin Wu reportedly asked Thursday if employee Andrew Miles could stop looking at furry pornography on his Geneva Solutions company computer, thereby striking the latest blow for…Read more...
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on (#6AXAP)
PLAINS, GA—Remarking that his decision to undergo the initial procedure had perhaps been made in haste, former President Jimmy Carter, 98, announced Tuesday that he had gotten his recent vasectomy reversed. “I regret closing that door as early as I did, and I realized, yeah, I do want to be a dad again someday,” said…Read more...
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on (#6AWRA)
A truck hauling hundreds of thousands of dollars’ worth of dimes from the U.S. Mint was broken into while it was parked overnight at a Philadelphia store. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6AWGZ)
JACKSON, WY—In an effort to inform the rich offender that he could do whatever he wanted, Jackson police officer David Pratt read a wealthy suspect a special Miranda warning Monday outlining his right to impunity. “You have the right to remain immune from all consequences of your actions,” read Pratt, explaining to…Read more...
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on (#6AW74)
OKLAHOMA CITY—Explaining that its long affiliation with evangelical Christianity had come to an end, retail company Hobby Lobby announced Monday that it was Muslim now. “After many years of self-reflection, we have seen the light of the word of the Prophet Muhammad,” said Hobby Lobby CEO David Green, adding that the…Read more...
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on (#6AW76)
MILWAUKEE—Shortly after strangling the life out of the assailant he had hunted for so long, local man Kevin Kennedy was said to be pleasantly surprised Monday to find that murdering his daughter’s killer had, in fact, brought her back to life. “Well, this is delightful, I really wasn’t expecting to see Maddy…Read more...
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on (#6AW77)
NEW YORK—Confirming years of speculation about how your closest acquaintances behave when you aren’t around, a report released Monday revealed that your friends do impressions of you behind your back. “Our findings suggest that whenever you’re out of earshot, your friends mimic your tone of voice and mock your odd…Read more...
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on (#6AW3X)
A lost 1-year-old Australian shepherd survived a 150-mile trek across frozen Bering Sea ice before being safely returned to his home in Alaska. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6AW3Y)
With Republicans critical of recent bills enforcing minimum age requirements for marriage, The Onion asked conservatives to explain why child marriage should be legal and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#6ATC7)
SAN FRANCISCO—With the powerful Democrat making frequent appearances before her and urging her to resign her seat, Sen. Dianne Feinstein (D-CA) reportedly faced increased pressure Friday from a hallucination of the late former President John F. Kennedy yelling at her to step down. “The party, Dianne! Think of the…Read more...
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on (#6ATAP)
INDIANAPOLIS—Beginning to regret his decision to work the event, National Rifle Association convention food vendor Tom Birkenshaw was reportedly being held up at gunpoint Friday by his 19th customer in a row. “What can I get for you—oh jeez, not again,” said Birkenshaw, who put his hands in the air as yet another NRA…Read more...
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on (#6ATAQ)
NAMPA, ID—Expressing their dismay with yet another product overtaken by the liberal conspiracy to destroy traditional lifestyles, conservatives around the country reportedly began boycotting computers Friday after noticing their keyboards could be used to type the word “trans.” “These woke keyboards are attempting to…Read more...
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on (#6AT8Q)
E-cigarette maker Juul Labs Inc. agreed to pay $462 million to settle claims by six U.S. states that it unlawfully marketed its addictive products to minors. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6ASVC)
NEW ORLEANS—Growing more drunk and more reflective as the night went on, attendees at local man Benjamin Midwicki’s bachelor party Friday were reportedly celebrating the last day of his illusion of freedom. “Tonight, we’re going fucking ham in honor of your final day of freedom, if such a concept can be said to truly…Read more...
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on (#6ASSJ)
SEATTLE—Following a local mid-afternoon match among friends who could not explain the unknown player’s fleeting, mysterious presence, sources confirmed Friday that an Argentinian guy had materialized during a pickup soccer game and scored a goal before instantly disappearing. “He just straight-up appeared out of thin…Read more...
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on (#6ARGK)
AMARILLO, TX—In a detailed tutorial on what they described as one of the most basic rules for handling a weapon, instructors teaching a local gun safety course Thursday stressed the importance of always making sure a firearm was completely unloaded into a victim before storing it. “Every last bullet in the magazine,…Read more...
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on (#6ARET)
Tupperware, the 77-year-old U.S. maker of food storage containers, warned that it could go out of business unless it can quickly raise new financing. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6AQTT)
Medical experts at Moderna say they are confident that groundbreaking new vaccines for cancer, cardiovascular and autoimmune diseases, and other conditions will be ready by 2030 due to cutting-edge research into developing personalized mRNA vaccines. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6AQ9K)
ST, JOSEPH, MI—Sighing as he opened the bumpy envelope, local boy Finn Gleason, nephew of Transportation Secretary Pete Buttigieg, reportedly received another birthday card from his uncle Thursday that was filled with gravel. “‘Don’t sprinkle it all in one place! Love, Uncle Pete,’” the 9-year-old read aloud, brushing…Read more...
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on (#6AQ8N)
SAN FRANCISCO—Saying this was by far the best option given their financial situation, San Francisco real estate agent Harry Evans reportedly showed a couple earning a sub-six-figure salary Wednesday around the neighborhood’s best tent city. “So we obviously have a lovely view here of the park, great flap to this…Read more...
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on (#6AQ7Y)
JERSEY CITY, NJ—Urging employees to refrain from touching any of the items that had been neatly arranged in the wicker basket, local company Green Innovation clarified to employees Wednesday that the feminine hygiene products located in the office bathroom were purely decorative. “Please note that all pads and tampons…Read more...
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on (#6AQ70)
The Tibetan spiritual leader the Dalai Lama apologized Monday after a video that showed him asking a boy to suck his tongue triggered a backlash on social media. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6APPQ)
PALO ALTO, CA—Warning of the potentially explicit applications of a tool that has become widely available to the public, tech experts reported feeling unsettled Tuesday by a felt-tip marker’s ability to draw two big breast-like circles with dots in the center of them. “This technology allows almost anyone to…Read more...
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on (#6AP3C)
JEFFERSON CITY, MO—Pulling aside his nephew and providing him with completely unsolicited guidance, local uncle Mitch Fulton, 55, reportedly offered dating advice Tuesday that qualified as a sex crime. “He asked me if I wanted a sip of his beer and then told me, ‘You know, buddy, if you ever want to get the girls,…Read more...
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