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on (#61F17)
BATON ROUGE—Coming under fire for the exclusion of critical, diverse narratives that shaped the U.S., Louisiana’s racially biased education system was criticized Friday for omitting any information about the historic moon colony created by African Americans. “It’s a testament to how much Black history is completely…Read more...
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The Onion
| Link | https://theonion.com/ |
| Feed | https://www.theonion.com/rss |
| Updated | 2024-11-23 23:15 |
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on (#61EYF)
Monkeypox is on the rise, with nearly 1,000 cases of the infectious disease reported across the United States. The Onion tells you everything you need to know about monkeypox.
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on (#61EPX)
With real estate prices skyrocketing and remote work offering an opportunity for more flexibility, New York City has seen a recent uptick in wealthy residents leaving for greener pastures. The Onion spoke with several affluent former New Yorkers about why they left and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#61EK1)
BROKEN ARROW, OK—Clutching the arms of their chairs and forcing themselves not to look away, the entire fanbase of the Oklahoma City Thunder was reportedly reflexively holding their breath during a game Thursday night every time rookie center Chet Holmgren moved. “I can’t watch,” several Thunder fans gathered at a…Read more...
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on (#61DB6)
NEW YORK—Celebrating the life of a man who courageously stuffed his mouth, Bon Appétit honored journalist Mark Vorak who was killed in the field Thursday from eating too much and dying. “It was a testament to his bravery and fearless appetite that he so valiantly gorged himself to the point where his stomach exploded…Read more...
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on (#61DB7)
LOS ANGELES—Pledging to maintain the safety and security of the city’s most cherished destinations, an increasingly unhinged Eric Garcetti reportedly covered his own body with metal spikes Thursday to prevent homeless people from sleeping on him. “These small iron spikes will help ensure that my body is a space…Read more...
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on (#61D92)
London’s Heathrow Airport is capping daily passenger numbers for the summer and telling airlines to stop selling tickets as it steps up efforts to quell travel chaos caused by soaring travel demand and staff shortages. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#61BYN)
TONOPAH, AZ—Explaining that he wasn’t going to be pressured into rushing for the sake of a gesture, a local nuclear plant employee Kevin Rachlin confirmed Monday that he wasn’t going to walk faster just because his coworker was holding open the critical reactor’s blast door for him. “I’m not going to be forced into…Read more...
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on (#61BYP)
NEW YORK—A report released Wednesday confirmed that you are going to be alone for the rest of your life and the reason is you refuse to take a bath. “You just don’t smell good—that’s the whole reason why things aren’t working out for you romantically,” read the report in part, ruling out other factors in your…Read more...
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on (#61BX9)
SILVER SPRING, MD—Saying the ammunition would soon be available over the counter, the FDA reportedly approved a new bullet Tuesday for use on humans. “Given their high level of effectiveness in our trials, we have decided to authorize these new bullets for human use,” said FDA commissioner Robert Califf, explaining…Read more...
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on (#61BC7)
WASHINGTON—A report published Tuesday after the release of the inaugural photographs from NASA’s James Webb Telescope found that the deepest, sharpest images of the universe still pale in comparison to a Lisa Frank folder. “While the Webb telescope’s imagery of nebulae and star clusters is technically impressive,…Read more...
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on (#61BAH)
A new CDC report has found that more than 80% of urine samples taken from 2,310 children and adults contained glyphosate, a weed-killing chemical found in herbicides around the world that has been linked to cancer. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#61B5K)
AUSTIN, TX—In an effort to back out of the $44 billion offer to buy the social media company, Elon Musk reportedly deleted the Twitter app from his phone on Tuesday. “God, this whole thing has turned into such a nightmare—it’s time to end this mess once and for all,” said the 51-year-old Tesla CEO, who slowly pressed…Read more...
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on (#61B5M)
THOUSAND OAKS, CA—Applauding workers for making the ultimate sacrifice, Amazon supervisor Todd Clark delivered a rousing speech to employees Tuesday about honorably laying down their lives for Prime Day. “Though your body may perish on your delivery route, your passing will ensure that the legacy of Prime Day lives on…Read more...
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on (#61AHY)
NEW YORK—Informing the bustling crowd it was time to bid on the night’s big-ticket item, Sotheby’s officials announced Tuesday the auctioning off of a rare date with a T. rex skeleton. “Up next, the moment you’ve all been waiting for, one fabulous night for two out on the town with this handsome, enchanting—and might…Read more...
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on (#61AFV)
WASHINGTON—Exploring his options for responding to several crises mounting across the country, President Joe Biden told reporters Tuesday that he was seriously considering the prospect of convening the first-ever meeting of his cabinet. “It’s a pretty drastic step, so you don’t want to do something like this unless…Read more...
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on (#619G7)
BLOOMFIELD, CT—Urging their client to cover all of the expenses related to their medical condition just this one last time, insurance company Cigna reportedly swore Monday that they’ll definitely get the next round. “Listen, if you grab this one, we’ll pick up the next bill for sure,” said an official from the Fortune …Read more...
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on (#619FV)
Services like Affirm and Afterpay that offer the ability to buy products now and pay for them later are becoming increasingly popular, with one study finding that over half of consumers have used one, but critics warn that many users don’t understand the potential consequences. The Onion weighs the pros and cons of…Read more...
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on (#61960)
COLUMBUS, IN—Saying he must be involved in some sort of high-stakes negotiations over the terms of a sale worth billions of dollars, hotel sources told reporters Monday that the unidentified man using the La Quinta business center must be a top-ranking corporate executive in town to close a major deal. “He’s been in…Read more...
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on (#6179R)
Boris Johnson announced his resignation after more than 50 conservative lawmakers stepped down in protest, saying the prime minister was no longer fit to lead the country due to a series of scandals, the latest surrounding sexual misconduct by a deputy chief whip he promoted. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6179T)
SAN FRANCISCO—According to a new report released Friday by the National Association of Realtors, more young American adults are becoming homeowners by renting a house or apartment on Airbnb and then changing the locks. “Though millennials had to endure the Great Recession and are now faced with soaring housing costs,…Read more...
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on (#6175E)
DETROIT—In an effort to determine if she was overreacting to her injuries, skeptical physician Wayne Mahomes asked his patient Megan Wensberg, who was flattened by a steamroller this week, to rate her pain. “Now, realistically, on a scale of one to 10, with one being no pain and 10 being the worst pain possible, what…Read more...
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on (#6175F)
“I’m for whatever leads to fewer Americans.”Read more...
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on (#616QY)
ATLANTA—In what the company is touting as the first writing implement of its kind, permanent marker brand Sharpie introduced a new line of pens Friday designed specifically for making a subtle mark on a bottle of alcohol to determine if your supposedly sober boyfriend is drinking again. “Offering the ultimate in…Read more...
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on (#616QZ)
A dispatch assistant at a cold meats manufacturer in Chile submitted his resignation and could not be found after his job accidentally paid him about 330 times his salary because of a payroll error, the man receiving $180,418 instead of his monthly $545 paycheck. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#616P8)
JACKSON, MS—Urging every American to stay still and quit squirming, the nation’s overweight bullies announced Friday their plan to sit on you. “Rest assured, we will chase you down very slowly, we will throw you onto the blacktop, and we will take a seat on you,” said Jason Evans, speaking on behalf of the country’s…Read more...
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on (#61654)
Scott Adams, creator of the Dilbert comics, is receiving serious backlash for his tweet suggesting that a parent should kill their own son if he is “a danger to himself and others,” claiming the only other option is to watch people die. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#615X0)
Staff shortages at airlines, weather delays, and a spike in holiday travel have left many travelers struggling to take long-overdue vacations and make visits home. The Onion asked travelers how they felt about the nationwide delays, and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#615KT)
ANDOVER, MA—Explaining that the only way she could get people to stop hitting on her was to pretend she was married, local woman Carla Watters told reporters Thursday she always wore a fake wedding dress to bars to deter unwanted advances. “Before, men would harass me constantly, but now that I can just flash them my…Read more...
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on (#615ER)
FORT WORTH, TX—In response to skyrocketing consumer demand, American Airlines introduced new nonstop flights directly into the side of a mountain, sources confirmed Thursday. “Beginning this weekend, American Airlines customers will now be able to book convenient one-way trips that will transport them from over 30…Read more...
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on (#615EC)
BIRMINGHAM, AL—Apologizing that athletes, fans, and coaches were forced to sit idle and watch 5th graders bowl, organizers of the World Bowling Championship announced Thursday that the event had been postponed after the lanes had been reserved for an 11th birthday party. “We are so sorry, but the World Bowling…Read more...
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on (#615D3)
BALTIMORE—In landmark research into what may be a root cause of emotional distress, a new study published Thursday in the The American Journal Of Psychology found a link between intense feelings of loneliness and currently being stuck halfway down the dark tube of a waterslide. “Our decade-long study found that across…Read more...
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on (#614XM)
Rising rents, soaring home prices, and increasing homelessness have created a full-blown crisis in American housing, one with no easy solution. The Onion looks at the key facts and figures that demonstrate the scope of America’s housing crisis.
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on (#614GS)
ALBUQUERQUE, NM—Saying he would hate to see them make the same mistake so many others in romantic relationships seemed to make, area man Sam Veitch explained Wednesday to his girlfriend, Sandra Rice, that he didn’t want to become one of those couples that spent time together. “You just see it so much—two people start…Read more...
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on (#614EE)
JACKSONVILLE, FL—Confirming the activity was a welcome pursuit after a long day at the office, local woman Kate Buxton told reporters Wednesday that the intramural volleyball league she belonged to had provided her with new opportunities to feel like a loser outside of work. “It’s nice, after several hours of meetings…Read more...
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on (#6146V)
DAYTON, OH—Frustrated with how overly familiar strangers could be, local pregnant woman Laura Murray said Wednesday that she wished people would ask before touching her breasts. “I know it’s exciting to see a pregnant woman walk into a room with big bulging tits, but I wish people would at least ask before manhandling…Read more...
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on (#60ZBZ)
HESPERIA, CA—Declaring there were just some areas in which men would always be superior to women, local man Ryan Neves adamantly told reporters Friday he would be a much better political prisoner than WNBA star Brittney Griner. “No offense to her, but if I were being held captive by a foreign government, I’d be better…Read more...
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on (#60Z9R)
Taco Bell is testing new menu items, the Big Cheez-It Tostada and Big Cheez-It Crunch Wrap Supreme, which both feature an oversized Cheez-It cracker 16 times the size of a regular Cheez-It, in the hopes of replicating the success of the restaurant’s Dorito shells. What do you think?Read more...
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