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on (#6DE6Y)
ORLANDO, FL-After spending several long, painful minutes pacing up and down the aisles and attempting to decide on what he wanted, Gov. Ron DeSantis (R-FL) flubbed a grocery store visit Monday by attempting to buy the cashier. Good afternoon, I'll take this candy bar, a bottle of water, and also, I'd like to purchase...Read more...
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The Onion
| Link | https://theonion.com/ |
| Feed | https://www.theonion.com/rss |
| Updated | 2025-09-19 02:33 |
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on (#6DE3E)
CLEVELAND-In response to concerns about whether his off-field behavior would risk further derailing his career, Cleveland Browns quarterback Deshaun Watson told reporters Monday, I've learned from my mistake of using my own name at massage parlors." To the Browns community, my coaches, and teammates, I take full...Read more...
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on (#6DBQN)
STOCKBRIDGE, MA-Acknowledging the need to right historical wrongs, curators at the Norman Rockwell Museum announced Friday that they were returning dozens of looted paintings to Africa. These artworks belong to the West African peoples they were taken from, and we have no right as a Western museum to continue to...Read more...
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on (#6DBQS)
VALDOSTA, GA-Explaining that even his deeply ingrained support for his country had its limits, zealous American patriot Gabriel Bartlett told reporters this week that he drew the line at women playing soccer. I don't care that they represent America-I'm not watching that shit," said the financial advisor and diehard...Read more...
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on (#6DB56)
WASHINGTON-Shocked by the former intelligence official's sensational testimony, members of the House Oversight Committee told reporters Thursday they were not expecting UFO whistleblower David Grusch to just dump an alien on the table like that. He didn't warn us or anything-he just said, You want to see some crazy...Read more...
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on (#6DB57)
TUSCALOOSA, AL-Having become an overnight sensation after he was seen in a video uttering the racist term in a local music store, a man who said the N-word while standing near a guitar reached the top of Billboard's country charts Thursday. Randall Case is a man who just happened to be about 4 feet away from an...Read more...
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on (#6DB12)
Elon Musk finally achieving his adorable decades-long wish to own a company called X is the latest high-profile corporate rebranding effort, and like all corporate rebrands, Twitter's renaming has inspired debate. The Onion looks back at the most famous corporate rebranding efforts in history.Read more...
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on (#6DAQZ)
WASHINGTON-Throwing up their arms in resignation, the nation's mothers announced Thursday that they don't even know why they try. We're just saying, maybe the nation should try taking care of itself for once, then they might see it's not so easy," said 54-year-old spokesmother Misty Hepworth, who sighed and shook her...Read more...
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on (#6DAQP)
BERKELEY, CA-Calling the correlation between the holiday and human fertility quite shocking," a new study published Thursday found a massive uptick in births nine months after International Carrot Day. The data show that far more children than usual are conceived on or around Apr. 4, the day dedicated to this...Read more...
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on (#6DAQQ)
Customs officials intercepted a pickup truck transporting four large wheels of cheese from Mexico that were hiding 17.8 pounds of cocaine. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6DA6F)
American singer-songwriter Lana Del Rey was recently spotted wearing a uniform and working a shift at a Waffle House in Alabama for reasons still unknown. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6D9NF)
BOCA RATON, FL-Promising hours of relief from common period symptoms, Bayer-owned brand Midol introduced Wednesday its first over-the-counter leather strap for menstrual-pain sufferers to bite down on while experiencing cramps. Midol's new 100% genuine cowhide strap lets you grit your teeth through all the cramping,...Read more...
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on (#6D949)
Sick of slumping from room to room? Why slump when you can bounce? Springboards of various size/bounce guide you from one room to the next in this five-story townhouse. And for easy transition between floors: trampolines! Bounce insurance not included in asking price.Read more...
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on (#6D8Q5)
With some critics calling the blockbuster hit a feminist nightmare," The Onion asked conservatives what they thought of the woke" Barbie movie, and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#6D8MR)
SILVER SPRING, MD-Noting that the oral health giant had knowingly poisoned Americans for years by using the toxic substance, the Food and Drug Administration announced Tuesday that it would require Colgate to remove nicotine from all of its toothpaste. Contrary to Colgate's claim that it was merely a healthy...Read more...
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on (#6D8JM)
OVERLAND PARK, KS-Noting that things were clearly different back when her grandmother was growing up, local granddaughter Jessica Thomas told reporters Tuesday that all of the 83-year-old's relationship advice seemed to be predicated on getting married at 15. She was obviously trying to help, but so much of what she...Read more...
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on (#6D81Y)
Michigan's attorney general is charging 16 Republicans with multiple felonies after they are alleged to have submitted false certificates indicating they were the state's presidential electors despite Joe Biden's 154,000-vote victory in 2020. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6D81Z)
CORFU, GREECE-Rushing to contain the towering inferno of cheese before it spread to other popular Greek destinations, firefighting helicopters flew over the isles of Corfu and Evia on Monday to extinguish an out-of-control flaming saganaki. Thousands of islanders are fleeing from this raging outbreak of fiery,...Read more...
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on (#6D821)
AUSTIN, TX-Following criticism for placing buoys and razor wire along the Rio Grande in a violation of international law, Texas Gov. Greg Abbott announced Monday that, going forward, he would order his state troopers to humanely stun migrants before drowning them. In an effort to make their deaths at our hands as...Read more...
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on (#6D7TZ)
Americans across the country need some moniker to scream at their little shits. The Onion examines the most popular baby name in every state.Read more...
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on (#6D7NF)
LOS ANGELES-Drawing disappointing box office returns after months of excitement and viral marketing, the new Barbie movie reportedly tanked Monday after the nation found an empty cardboard box to play in instead. This is more fun because it can be anything," said giggling local man Colton King, 34, speaking on behalf...Read more...
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on (#6D7NG)
LOS ANGELES-Emphasizing that they had come to the negotiating table with concessions to reach an agreement, SAG-AFTRA reportedly offered Hollywood's major film studios unlimited use of actor Justin Long's AI likeness Monday in exchange for a fair contract. We are serious about reaching a compromise, which is why...Read more...
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on (#6D7NH)
PORTLAND, OR-Noting that the bereaved man kept mentioning that the process looked pretty peaceful" to him, sources confirmed Monday that 56-year-old Greg Miller was clearly fishing for a doctor to tell him that his mother's death was painless. You're the expert here, so would you say her passing was, uh...smooth...Read more...
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on (#6D7N7)
DETROIT-Gathering around the inebriated 37-year-old with plans for a frank but necessary talk, concerned friends at Temple Bar reportedly had a long-overdue conversation with alcoholic acquaintance Jason Peck on Monday about buying the next round. We've been talking, Jason, and we need to address the elephant in the...Read more...
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on (#6D7KC)
Approving a new set of standards for classes that cover African American history, Florida's Board of Education has mandated that middle schoolers be taught that slavery gave Black people a personal benefit" because they developed skills." What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6D608)
TRAVERSE CITY, MI-Boasting that he had achieved his bigoted mindset all by himself," local 65-year-old Alan Smith told reporters Friday that when he was young, he did not require a social media algorithm to get started down the path of white supremacist beliefs. Back in my day, we didn't need to be spoon-fed a...Read more...
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on (#6D609)
A tornado in North Carolina ripped through a Pfizer pharmaceutical facility that produces nearly 25% of all sterile injectable medicines used in U.S. hospitals, sparking concerns about worsening drug shortages. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6D5M3)
Test your knowledge of the best-selling doll in the world by passing this quiz on Barbie.Read more...
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on (#6D5M4)
BOSTON-As part of an ongoing rebuilding effort to make the team younger and cheaper, the Boston Red Sox reportedly announced Friday they were trading the aging Fenway Park to the New York Yankees for several highly touted blueprints. While it's never easy to say goodbye to a stadium that has served the team well...Read more...
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on (#6D5HJ)
PHILADELPHIA-In an effort to make the ceremony feel as special and intimate as possible, local engaged couple Nate Brewer and Tara Simmons confirmed Friday they were keeping their wedding to just uncles. We know we have a lot of friends and extended family members who will feel disappointed, but we're keeping the...Read more...
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on (#6D4FK)
LUCASVILLE, OH-Prison officials were reportedly thrown into a panic on Thursday when a malfunctioning lethal injection cocktail killed a death row inmate on the first try. Unfortunately, due to an unforeseen error in the injection process, the inmate died immediately and without severe pain," said Southern Ohio...Read more...
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on (#6D4FM)
WASHINGTON-Calling for a full-scale investigation into the rival superpower's alleged surveillance, Rep. Mike Gallagher (R-WI) warned Thursday that shrimp imported from China could be spying on Americans. Every day, the United States is recklessly importing thousands of pounds of seafood from China that could contain...Read more...
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on (#6D40K)
Former President Donald Trump received a letter informing him that he is a target of the Justice Department's investigation into efforts to overturn the results of the 2020 presidential election. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6D3G3)
In an effort to gain insight into the radical ideology, The Onion asked Republicans to explain what white nationalism means to them, and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#6D3G4)
ENGLEWOOD CLIFFS, NJ-In an effort to make the historically white sandwich spread more inclusive, Hellmann's introduced a new line of mayonnaises Wednesday that has been designed to match every skin tone. If you eat a big sloppy sandwich for lunch and wind up with huge globs of mayo on your face, you deserve to have...Read more...
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on (#6D2DC)
Following the box office success of the child sex trafficking film Sound Of Freedom, The Onion asked viewers what they thought of the movie, and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#6D2DD)
FITCHBURG, MA-Pointing out the shocking contradiction they had been presented with, sources reported Tuesday that the guy over there with the really huge head wasn't even smart. You'd think a dome that big would be filled with a ton of brains, but nope," 34-year-old Massachusetts resident Caleb Palmer told reporters,...Read more...
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on (#6D2DF)
WASHINGTON-Responding to complaints of widespread telephone scammers, the Federal Communications Commission issued a statement Tuesday that claimed 87% of unknown-number calls come from a record company executive who heard your demo. Although they're dismissed as spam by many Americans, the source of most of these ...Read more...
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