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on (#6AN2E)
CHICAGO—Mindlessly shoveling the dry meat into his mouth while staring at the television, local dad Ron Guadiano was reportedly snacking on a bowl of ground beef Monday. Family sources confirmed that Guadiano had retrieved from the refrigerator a dish filled with a pound of leftover ground beef and, with no attempt…Read more...
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The Onion
| Link | https://theonion.com/ |
| Feed | https://www.theonion.com/rss |
| Updated | 2025-07-07 12:30 |
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on (#6AKCT)
GARY, IN—Asserting that the jurist had shown clear ethical lapses in accepting lavish gifts and globe-trotting trips from Republican megadonor Harlan Crow, the Supreme Court reportedly dispatched Justice Clarence Thomas on a disciplinary trip to Gary, IN Friday. “The associate justice displayed evident poor judgment…Read more...
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on (#6AK0F)
MESA, AZ—Saying that being crushed to death wasn’t even close to the worst part of his night, local man James Hanson confirmed Friday that he was annoyed to be dying at the concert of an artist he barely even liked. “Wow, this sucks—I can’t believe I have to spend the entire night listening to music I’m not even…Read more...
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on (#6AJD4)
ANTAKYA, TURKEY—Adding previously unknown context to the biblical story of Easter, the text of a newly discovered first-century papyrus scroll released to the public Thursday suggests that Jesus hid out in His tomb for a few extra days while an abuse scandal within His ministry blew over. “If I can just cool My heels…Read more...
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on (#6AJB6)
CAPE CANAVERAL, FL—Succumbing before the launch even took place to a sudden and mysterious onset of what is being described as space madness, NASA astronauts reportedly went insane Thursday and killed each other immediately upon entering their rocket. According to sources, mere moments after stepping foot in the Orion…Read more...
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on (#6AJB5)
THE MEDITERRANEAN SEA—On the heels of a damning report detailing how Clarence Thomas accepted millions of dollars in lavish, unreported vacations from a Republican megadonor, sources confirmed Thursday that every justice on the U.S. Supreme Court read about the corruption allegations from different Mediterranean…Read more...
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on (#6AJB7)
NEW YORK—Claiming hundreds of thousands of dollars were secretly paid to keep the information out of the public eye, sources close to Donald Trump revealed Thursday that the former president had paid hush money to conceal the children he had in wedlock. “He knew that if it got out that he had these kids, it would…Read more...
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on (#6AJ8R)
BALTIMORE—Saying even a small amount could make a difference if it helped end the sprawling investigation into the church’s misdeeds, priests from the Archdiocese of Baltimore reportedly passed around collection plates Thursday from which sexual abuse victims could take their settlements. “Please, my children,…Read more...
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on (#6AJ66)
PALM BEACH, FL—Sheepishly approaching their stepmom after hearing about their father’s indictment, the Trump boys reportedly asked Melania Trump Thursday if they’d be getting a new daddy now. “Since our daddy is going away, do we have to get a whole new daddy now?” a bashful Eric Trump said from behind his pouting…Read more...
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on (#6AHTQ)
Florida Gov. Ron DeSantis (R) has signed a bill allowing people to carry a concealed weapon in public without a government-issued permit, while also ending the requirement to undergo training before carrying a concealed weapon outside the home. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6AHTR)
PALO ALTO, CA—Responding to reports that Facebook maintains a large and active user base, Facebook parent company Meta confirmed Wednesday that the pioneering social media platform was now entirely memorialized accounts. “There hasn’t been too much activity since the last user passed away earlier this year,” said Meta…Read more...
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on (#6AHSE)
MILWAUKEE—Calling the measure “the only way” to prevent serious symptoms, the American Academy of Allergy, Asthma, and Immunology issued a report Thursday recommending that allergy sufferers retreat underground to form a pollen-free, cave-dwelling society. “Freedom from pain, freedom from pollen, freedom from itching…Read more...
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on (#6AHQJ)
Whether it’s in small towns or large cities, law enforcement officials are leaving their posts in record numbers across the United States. The Onion asked police officers to explain why they are resigning en masse, and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#6AGJP)
FORT WAYNE, IN—In a move that would completely derail the contest through a toxic combination of resentment and hubris, a stranger whose unachieved athletic goals would ruin a pickup game at a local community basketball court Wednesday reportedly called next. “I got next game,” said the newcomer standing at the edge…Read more...
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on (#6AG7F)
PALM BEACH, FL—Addressing his most ardent supporters mere hours after his arrest on 34 counts of falsifying business records, former President Donald Trump spent his prime-time speech Tuesday raving about Mar-a-Lago’s sea bass special. “It’s incredible, folks, so succulent—they don’t serve sea bass like this up in…Read more...
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on (#6AG0W)
WASHINGTON—After watching from the stands Sunday as Louisiana State University defeated the University of Iowa in the NCAA women’s basketball championship, first lady Jill Biden announced that she would invite all women who had ever touched a basketball to visit the White House. “I would like to extend a warm welcome…Read more...
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on (#6AEQ1)
After former president Donald Trump was indicted last week by a New York grand jury, The Onion asked politicians what they thought about the charges and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#6AEB4)
Take this practice test to see if you have the guts, courage, and ruthlessness to pass a police officer entrance exam.Read more...
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on (#6ACKJ)
The Food and Drug Administration has approved selling the overdose-reversal drug Narcan without a prescription, a move long sought by advocates to aid the national response to the opioid crisis. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6ACH4)
PALM BEACH, FL—Pushing a hastily packed steamer trunk filled with clothes and money aboard his yacht before setting sail for the open seas, a desperate Donald Trump reportedly fled Friday for the remote island of Manhattan. “It’ll be a long journey—almost 10 days, by my count—but they’ll never think to look for me…Read more...
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on (#6ACFH)
In order to PUT AN END TO THE INJUSTICE perpetrated by Manhattan District Attorney ALVIN BRAGG’s recent INDICTMENT of our BELOVED LEADER, MAGA PATRIOTS can now DONATE HERE to HELP PROTECT OUR BEAUTIFUL PRESIDENT TRUMP. The BEST PRESIDENT THIS COUNTRY HAS EVER HAD is under ATTACK by a POLITICALLY MOTIVATED WITCH HUNT…Read more...
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on (#6ABFX)
Police are suing the rapper Afroman for invasion of privacy after the artist used home security footage in his music videos of officers raiding his home on unfounded suspicions of drug trafficking and kidnapping. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6ABE1)
PLAINS, GA—Calling the move a solid investment in his future, former President Jimmy Carter, 98, announced Thursday that he had enrolled in a two-year program at an Atlanta technical college that would allow him to become a dental hygienist. “I’ve always been passionate about dental hygiene, and I’m very excited to…Read more...
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on (#6AAW3)
HBO drama Succession kicked off its hotly anticipated fourth and final season on Sunday, and The Onion’s team of indentured television experts convened to predict what will happen over the show’s final episodes.
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on (#6A9N3)
A new study has found that people with social anxiety may benefit from mindfulness therapy combined with exposure to odors from others’ sweat. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6A9N5)
RALEIGH, NC—Multitasking with the phone on speaker, local man Tim Cahan was clearly just waiting for his turn to speak Wednesday rather than really listening to what the automated menu had to say. Sources confirmed that, despite the menu selections having changed since their last conversation, Cahan barely paid…Read more...
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on (#6A92Z)
NEW YORK—In a dramatic twist that shocked viewers who had waited more than a year for a new episode of the HBO drama, Sunday’s season premiere of Succession featured an unexpected reappearance of the show’s shadowy Dr. Succession character. “Longtime fans of the series were appalled and delighted when its powerful but…Read more...
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on (#6A8X6)
PLAINS, GA—Calling the split entirely amicable and long overdue, Jimmy and Rosalynn Carter confirmed their divorce to the press in statement released Tuesday. “Frankly, we both couldn’t be more excited to put our respective pasts behind us and embark on the next chapter of our lives,” read a joint statement released…Read more...
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on (#6A8G7)
CHICAGO—Extolling the virtues of the cracked polyethylene container, local real estate agent Thomas Bartlett was reportedly trying to pass off an apartment’s window box planter Thursday as something called a “Romanian balcony.” “Now this feature is a real treat—simply open up the window, and voilà, you have your own…Read more...
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on (#6A8C0)
While many online firebrands rant and rave against the concept, few take the time to define it. The Onion asked conservatives what “woke” means to them, and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#6A7VA)
North Korea said it has tested a nuclear-capable underwater attack drone designed to launch a “radioactive tsunami,” with leader Kim Jong-un vowing to make his rivals “plunge into despair.” What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6A7MK)
NASHVILLE, TN—In the hours following a violent rampage in Tennessee in which a lone attacker killed at least six individuals and injured several others, citizens living in the only country where this kind of mass killing routinely occurs reportedly concluded Tuesday that there was no way to prevent the massacre from…Read more...
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on (#6A7FF)
LARAMIE, WY—Explaining that she made sure to educate in a fair, unbiased way, local teacher Miranda Osness confirmed Monday that she didn’t discriminate between Black students and the students she gave A’s to. “The African American students are just as capable and perform just as well as the students I decide to…Read more...
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on (#6A76P)
A former employee claimed that the network discriminated against her because of her gender while she worked at Tucker Carlson Tonight. The Onion asked Fox News anchors to respond to allegations about the workplace’s toxic culture, and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#6A76Q)
The federal government outlined a plan to revamp the nation’s organ transplant system, which has over 100,000 patients on the waiting list and has been plagued by problems, including damaged or discarded organs and long wait times. What do you think?Read more...
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