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on (#60Z9T)
COOS BAY, OR—Stumbling backward as he lost his main weapon, then reaching for his pant leg, a firefighter disarmed of his hose grabbed a squirt gun from his ankle holster to continue battling the flames around him, sources confirmed Friday. “You thought you had me!” the quick-thinking firefighter was heard to yell as…Read more...
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The Onion
| Link | https://theonion.com/ |
| Feed | https://www.theonion.com/rss |
| Updated | 2024-11-23 23:15 |
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Supreme Court Casually Mentions Nation Now Divided Into Six Provinces Ruled By Conservative Justices
on (#60YM4)
WASHINGTON—In a tangential footnote appended to its 6-3 decision in West Virginia v. Environmental Protection Agency, the Supreme Court casually declared Thursday that the nation had been divided into six provinces, each of which would be ruled by a Republican-appointed justice. “The court hereby decrees that the six…Read more...
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on (#60YM5)
Justice Stephen Breyer notified the White House that his retirement will be effective today at noon Eastern time, paving the way for Ketanji Brown Jackson to be sworn in as Supreme Court Justice on the conservative-majority court. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#60XWP)
CALISTOGA, CA—Turning off the lights of his hotel room and immediately wincing in utter revulsion, local man Kenny Porter told reporters he was disgusted Thursday after shining a blacklight on his ejaculating penis. “Ugh, god, it was terrible, the second I flipped the switch, there were neon spots everywhere, starting…Read more...
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on (#60X9P)
Former White House aide Cassidy Hutchinson testified Tuesday that despite Donald Trump being informed that the protesters outside the White House on Jan. 6 had weapons, he told officials to “let my people in” and march to the Capitol. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#60WMY)
WASHINGTON—Condemning the cabinet member for being so inconsiderate, Department of Transportation sources confirmed Wednesday that Pete Buttigieg’s locomotive was always taking up two whole parking spots. “You get one reserved parking spot, not two; I don’t care how big your vehicle is,” said Regina Merrill, one of…Read more...
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on (#60VYZ)
NEW YORK—Sentenced to 20 years in prison, Ghislaine Maxwell reportedly received a lighter penalty Tuesday for her years of dedicated work with children. “Ms. Maxwell had very deep, personal ties with local children and shepherded them through a confusing system with a commitment few other mentors would,” said Judge…Read more...
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on (#60VXG)
Green Day frontman Billie Joe Armstrong told a London concert audience that he will renounce his U.S. citizenship following the Supreme Court’s decision to overturn Roe v. Wade, and relocate to the U.K. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#60VTC)
WASHINGTON—In a controversial 6-3 decision regarding religious freedom, the Supreme Court ruled Monday that public school teachers were allowed to lead students on Crusades to win back the Holy Land for Christians. “Because the First Amendment guarantees the free exercise of religion, all school employees have the…Read more...
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on (#60V5R)
LOS ANGELES—Saying they just wanted to see her happy, sources confirmed Monday that friends of local single woman Meredith Singer were always trying to set her up with a new puzzle. “Okay, don’t be mad, but we think we found the perfect one for you this time,” longtime friend Rebecca Bates told the unattached…Read more...
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on (#60V3X)
Sens. Susan Collins (R-ME) and Joe Manchin (D-WV) told reporters they were misled by Supreme Court justices Neil Gorsuch and Brett Kavanaugh, who both testified under oath that Roe v. Wade was settled legal precedent. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#60TAM)
CHICAGO—Calling the short, 30-minute appointment windows the “perfect white noise” to zone out to, local therapist Thea Tucker confirmed Monday that she wasn’t really invested in her patient but liked having her on in the background. “Don’t get me wrong, she’s a totally fine client and all, but there’s something about…Read more...
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on (#60TAN)
EAST AURORA, NY—In a severe backlash from parents on social media, toy manufacturer Fisher-Price was hit with criticism Monday over their plastic food reportedly giving kids unrealistic expectations that there will be enough food. “The people who run Fisher-Price ought to be ashamed that their plastic peanut butter…Read more...
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on (#60TAP)
NASHVILLE, TN—Trying to shrink down lower into his chair, Riverbend Maximum Security Institution prisoner Bertram Ray told reporters Monday he is embarrassed that everyone can currently see his whole skeleton while he is being electrocuted. “It’s one thing to go out with 1,750 volts of electricity pumped through your…Read more...
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on (#60SZ0)
If you think Spirit Airlines is luxurious, just wait until you see this. Here are the most amazing in-flight perks that airlines had in the 1960s.Read more...
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on (#60SWX)
LOS ANGELES—Displaying incredible accuracy in its rendering of the high-end property, the realistic concept art for a new luxury condominium complex in the Echo Park neighborhood of Los Angeles features a homeless man getting arrested, observers reported Friday. “Oh wow, yeah, would you look at that—there’s a guy on…Read more...
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on (#60R1X)
The Supreme Court has ruled that Americans have a right to carry firearms in public for self-defense, a major expansion of gun rights likely to lead to more people legally armed in cities and beyond. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#60QXA)
NEW YORK—Asserting there was no need to worry about the highly unlikely outcome, the nation’s centrists reportedly doubled down Friday on their claim that Roe v. Wade was not at risk. “People are blowing this whole idea of overturning Roe completely out of proportion—it’s just not going to happen,” said outspoken…Read more...
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on (#60QXB)
WASHINGTON—In a touching moment following Friday’s Supreme Court’s 6-3 decision overruling Roe v. Wade and eliminating the constitutional right to an abortion, Justices Brett Kavanaugh and Clarence Thomas reportedly championed the better future they’d created for the next generation of rapists. “We did it, my…Read more...
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on (#60QDX)
Coming out as LGBTQIA+ is a pivotal moment in someone’s life, so it’s always best to not fuck that up. If you want to be a good ally, never say the following things.Read more...
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on (#60QDW)
According to a new study, middle-aged people who cannot stand on one leg for at least 10 seconds are at higher risk of dying within the next decade, with researchers saying the simple balance test may be useful to include in routine physical exams for people over 50. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#60PNG)
Canada will be banning the manufacture and importation of single-use plastics by the end of the year, in a sweeping effort to fight pollution and climate change. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#60PD5)
THE HEAVENS—In an effort to delegate more of His divine work, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, has brought into existence a second god who will handle all day-to-day creation duties, sources confirmed Thursday. The new god, known as Brett, will reportedly hold the title of Creator. “I’m thrilled to be bringing Brett…Read more...
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on (#60PD6)
FORT WORTH, TX—In an effort to address widespread staffing shortfalls related to the ongoing economic downturn, several major airlines announced plans Thursday to just hire anyone who looks good in a crisp pilot uniform. “If you look great in a freshly starched shirt and big captain’s hat, we will hire you on the…Read more...
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on (#60P2G)
With the coronavirus pandemic pretend over and summer in full swing, Americans are headed back inside to the movie theaters where it’s nice and cool. The Onion highlights the most-anticipated films of summer 2022.
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on (#60P2E)
CHICAGO—Emphasizing that people were specifically forbidden from vandalizing things that were technically company property, local IT guy Ron Freeman told employees Thursday to stop placing difficult-to-remove stickers on him. “Hi all, just a reminder to please, please stop putting stickers on my body—it’s unsightly,…Read more...
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on (#60P2D)
Dmitry Muratov, the co-winner of the 2021 Nobel Peace Prize and the editor of one of Russia’s last major independent newspapers, auctioned off his Nobel medal for a record $103.5 million to aid children displaced by the war in Ukraine. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#60P2C)
LOUISVILLE, KY—Confirming that the woman finally turned a corner after symptoms first developed more than 20 years ago, sources confirmed Thursday that local grandmother Patricia Riner was coughing better these days. “She seems to be turning less purple during it, which is good,” said daughter Lori Billig, Riner’s…Read more...
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on (#60P2B)
Most pit bull owners are just as insane as the dogs they own. Never say the following things to someone who has a pit bull.Read more...
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on (#60NCD)
The Supreme Court ruled that Maine cannot exclude religious schools from a state tuition assistance program, a decision that critics say further erodes the separation of church and state. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#60N83)
WASHINGTON—In a policy recommendation they described as an important first step toward ending the nation’s gun violence epidemic, experts at the Brookings Institution suggested Wednesday that the minimum age for committing a mass shooting be raised to 21. “Though it would not prevent all deadly gun rampages,…Read more...
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on (#60N84)
UVALDE, TX—Creating another wave of anger toward the beleaguered police department, new footage released Wednesday showed Uvalde officers rushing into Robb Elementary School to take selfies with the shooter. “These police officers could have stopped the shooter in three minutes, but instead, they wasted over an hour…Read more...
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on (#60MQE)
SAVANNAH, GA—Remarking upon his ability to proclaim the Gospel of the Lord without his pulse even rising, congregants at the local Church of the Divine Jesus told reporters Wednesday that their preacher, who was not drenched in perspiration, clearly had no direct connection to the Holy Spirit. “How am I supposed to…Read more...
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on (#60MQJ)
“Tick tock, bitch.”Read more...
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on (#60MQG)
ORLANDO, FL—Taking stock of anything on the shelves that looked remotely fatty, fried, or processed, local woman Abby Harding reportedly threw away all the food in the grocery store Wednesday so she wouldn’t be tempted. “Oh no, no, no, I know myself—if I have entire aisles of chips, cookies, and ice cream just lying…Read more...
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