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The Onion
| Link | https://theonion.com/ |
| Feed | https://www.theonion.com/rss |
| Updated | 2024-11-23 21:30 |
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on (#62ADV)
ALLEN PARK, MI—In an effort to provide more support to the athletes during the most difficult parts of filming, the producers of Hard Knocks announced Tuesday they had hired an intimacy coordinator for the set of the show to ensure a safe environment for tackling. “Having an intimacy coordinator working closely with…Read more...
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on (#62ABV)
PITTSBURGH—Hinting that there were plenty of ways to satisfy one’s breakfast cravings beyond what was listed, a menu reportedly suggested Tuesday that the local Bluebonnet Diner was open to trying anything the customer wanted to do to an egg, with “nothing out of bounds.” “Look, whatever you’re into when it comes to…Read more...
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on (#62ABW)
LONDON—In its most significant acknowledgement yet of the British Empire’s well-documented appropriation of cultural relics, sources reported Tuesday that Great Britain returned the looted Stonehenge monument back to India. “This ancient relic of Indian culture was wrongfully dismantled, placed upon ships by the…Read more...
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on (#62ABX)
The U.S. army is developing an Army Tactical Brassiere for female soldiers, with designers considering flame-retardant fabrics and protective materials, while also taking into account the importance of accurate sizing. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6296E)
CHICAGO—Taking note of his aging relative’s evolving viewpoint, local 29-year-old Brett Lewis told reporters Monday that his grandfather was now more open-minded about immigrants who arrived in the United States from Poland in the 1890s. “Just a few years ago, you couldn’t talk to Grandpa without him making some…Read more...
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on (#6272E)
Authorities have arrested an 18-year-old security guard who allegedly faked a mass shooting alert in Chicago’s Lollapalooza music festival to get out of work. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#626D4)
Scientists have reported that the Earth is spinning faster, recently recording its shortest day ever on June 29, 2022, at 1.59 millisecond less than the average day, with researchers suggesting that it could eventually lead to the introduction of the first-ever negative leap second. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#626D5)
GENEVA—Taking a deep breath and sounding the alarm for all in the land to hear, epidemiologist Hans Zehnder reportedly blew a conch horn Friday after spotting a new Covid variant cresting over the horizon. “Hark, a new variant approaches!” Zehnder cried from his perch atop the World Health Organization watchtower,…Read more...
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on (#626D6)
GREAT LAKES, IL—Saying he was surprised by how much the maritime service branch focuses on the discipline, seaman recruit Nathan Hobbes confirmed to reporters Friday that the U.S. Navy now spends the majority of boot camp teaching its recruits to fence using marlins. “When I enlisted, I really had no idea that nearly…Read more...
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on (#626C0)
ROCHESTER, MN—Indicating that an electronic spine-replacement device would drastically increase physical well-being if the technology does indeed exist, doctors at the world-renowned Mayo Clinic suggested Friday that their patients with back pain be treated with some kind of high-tech robot back thing. “It is our…Read more...
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on (#625VF)
WASHINGTON—Assuring the public that he intended to make the diplomatic situation his top priority, President Biden told reporters Thursday that the United States would not rest until WNBA star Brittney Griner was returned home to serve a marijuana possession sentence. “Rest assured that we will keep our nose to the…Read more...
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on (#625VG)
AUSTIN, TX—Testifying as part of a defamation lawsuit in which he has been found liable for disseminating lies about the 2012 shoot shooting that took the lives of 26 people, conspiracist and Infowars founder Alex Jones conceded Thursday that Sandy Hook happened on Mars. “I admit the massacre at Sandy Hook Elementary…Read more...
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on (#625SD)
Kansas voters have rejected an amendment that would have gotten rid of abortion protections in the state’s constitution, in the first abortion-related election since Roe v. Wade was overturned. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#625PR)
LOS ANGELES—Facing backlash for the environmental impact of her choice and for her general lack of awareness, socialite Kylie Jenner was criticized Thursday for taking a 12-minute flight on her private endangered whooping crane. “It just seems completely unfair that regular people are being asked to make all these…Read more...
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on (#62522)
WESTFORD, MA—Rising above the maelstrom of violence and disorder perpetually raging inside the man’s psyche, a single voice reportedly emerged Thursday from the chaotic whirlwind in the head of Brad Larrick, 33, to suggest he eat an oatmeal raisin cookie. “Go to your cupboard, open the package, and eat an oatmeal…Read more...
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on (#623WP)
Since the fall of Roe v. Wade, doctors have reported a marked uptick in vasectomies. The Onion asked men why they underwent the procedure, and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#623RE)
A passenger traveling from Bali, Indonesia to Australia was fined $1,874 after failing to declare two egg-and-beef sausage McMuffins and a ham croissant, which are classified as potential high-biosecurity risk items. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#623R7)
SAN FRANCISCO—Touting new functionalities that it said would lead to vast improvements in the customer experience, Uber Technologies announced Wednesday that its ride-sharing app would now allow users to rate the ethnicity of their driver. “Once you complete your trip, the app will prompt you to give a star rating, or…Read more...
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on (#6234Y)
Donald Trump’s ex-wife, Ivana Trump, has been laid to rest near the first hole of Trump National Golf Club, with tax experts saying that, if designated a cemetery, the property will be exempt from property taxes under New Jersey law. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6234Z)
House Speaker Nancy Pelosi’s trip to Taiwan has led to heightened tensions between China and the U.S. over the island’s political status. The Onion tells you everything you need to know about Pelosi visiting Taiwan.
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on (#6230F)
TAIPEI—Responding to widespread condemnation of the trip from Chinese officials, U.S. House Speaker Nancy Pelosi issued an assurance Tuesday that her visit to Taiwan was simply part of a bachelorette party she didn’t plan. “Believe me, I would have loved to stay in the States and do something simple like get a cabin…Read more...
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on (#622YC)
WASHINGTON—Following a U.S. drone strike that killed the terrorist organization’s leader, an intelligence report released Tuesday found that damn, al-Qaeda has a lot of guys. “After rigorous analysis of al-Qaeda’s membership structure, we have found that, holy shit, they’ve really got a ton of guys,” said military…Read more...
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on (#622EM)
The House has passed a bill that would prohibit keeping tigers, lions, and other big cat species as pets, and ban direct public contact like cub petting. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#622EF)
EVANSTON, IL—Expressing relief that she finally found a mental health professional whose style works for her, local woman Michelle Barrett’s refreshingly frank therapist reportedly suggested Tuesday that her client try shooting the president. “A lot of therapists I’ve worked with talk around in circles and try to…Read more...
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on (#622D3)
DALLAS—Resigned to the fact she was “just at that age,” local 28-year-old Kelly Morton confirmed Tuesday that yet another one of her friends was getting prosecuted for losing a pregnancy. “It’s like I can’t go a single week without another girlfriend announcing she’s facing criminal charges for a miscarriage,” said…Read more...
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on (#622D4)
TALLINN, ESTONIA—Submitting their candidacy for the rest of the world to consider, officials from Estonia reportedly announced their interest Tuesday in assuming America’s role as the global superpower. “It’s pretty clear that America really isn’t capable of being the planet’s hegemonic power any longer, so we…Read more...
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on (#622CT)
SHILABO, ETHIOPIA—Expressing frustration over the constant stereotypes, a swarm of locusts told reporters Tuesday that they wished people would stop assuming they were always sent to bring God’s wrath. “It’s 2022, people—it is the height of unfairness and bad faith to assume that every time a bunch of us gather,…Read more...
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on (#621S3)
The Michigan Supreme Court has expanded civil rights to LGBTQ+ residents in a landmark decision, ruling that the definition of sex in a decades-old Michigan discrimination law includes sexual orientation. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#621MG)
WASHINGTON—Flipping the powerful legislative body back in his party’s favor, Sen. Mitch McConnell reclaimed the Senate majority Monday after convincing Sen. Dianne Feinstein that she had always been a Republican. “I am once again proud to be the Senate majority leader and to head a caucus that includes my longtime…Read more...
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on (#621FS)
Volunteer archaeologists spelunking along the Oregon coast found wood from a shipwreck that researchers think belonged to a Spanish galleon that capsized in the 17th century and may have also served as inspiration for the 1985 film The Goonies. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6216R)
FREDERICKSBURG, PA—Saying she tried to keep a level head about matters like this, reasonable BTS fan Jessica Antwerp, 19, told reporters Monday that she only sends death threats in defense of lead singer J-Hope. “Look, there’s definitely a way to take fandom over the line, which is why I’ll only threaten to track down…Read more...
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on (#6216S)
CHICAGO—Warning that large swaths of the population had left themselves vulnerable, new research published Monday by the University of Chicago suggested that most Americans were one explosion away from disaster. “Our findings indicate that the average American is merely a single blast away from utter calamity,” said…Read more...
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on (#62153)
CHICAGO—Taken aback at what appeared to be an impossibly abrupt change in hairstyle, coworkers of local Black woman LeeAnn Hinsdale voiced astonishment Monday that her hair could grow so long over the weekend, describing the phenomenon as nothing short of a miracle. “Wow, it seemed like it was so short on Friday, but…Read more...
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on (#61YVW)
A Chick-fil-A restaurant in Hendersonville, NC is facing backlash after posting an offer on Facebook for volunteers to work the drive-thru in exchange for free food instead of pay. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#61YHG)
“I voted no because the bill would create $400 billion in unnecessary spending to help people.”Read more...
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on (#61YB8)
BEDMINSTER, NJ—Praising the recently formed LIV Golf league for partnering with him on the groundbreaking event, former President Donald Trump hosted the Saudi-backed “Jamal Khashoggi Was No Saint” Tournament Friday at the Trump National Golf Club Bedminster. “This is going to be a really great weekend, not just for…Read more...
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on (#61X3S)
People, especially climate change deniers, love it when you prove them wrong. If someone says they don’t believe in global warming, try saying the following things.Read more...
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on (#61WZ6)
A new study has found that reduced sex drive and hair loss are among a wider set of long-term Covid symptoms based on analyzed electronic health records of 2.4 million people in the U.K. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#61WXJ)
MIAMI—Highlighting the project’s massive effect on the Everglades’ ecosystem, a team of ecologists released a statement Thursday that condemns a new freeway through historic wetlands and reports that initial construction has already displaced dozens of rare bog crones. “The Florida state government has started…Read more...
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