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on (#6M52S)
WASHINGTON-Warning that sweet, innocent little Americans should know by now to mind their own business, a blood-drenched Attorney General Merrick Garland began a televised press conference Wednesday by telling the nation it didn't see any of that. Look, I don't know what all 340 million of you think you just saw, but...Read more...
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The Onion
| Link | https://theonion.com/ |
| Feed | https://www.theonion.com/rss |
| Updated | 2026-05-09 01:45 |
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on (#6M52T)
NEW YORK-In a long-awaited initiative that city officials said would ease the stress of busy, on-the-go New Yorkers, Mayor Eric Adams announced Wednesday the launch of a new shareable e-cig program that serves high-density areas throughout the five boroughs. It's as easy as swiping your card and taking a drag," said...Read more...
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on (#6M4W9)
Take our test to see if you're enough of a shameless, unethical degenerate to serve on the jury of former President Donald Trump's criminal trial in New York.Read more...
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on (#6M4VN)
DUBLIN, CA-Seconds after the small red dot from a laser-sighted weapon appeared on a slice of complimentary focaccia, witnesses at local restaurant Berevino reported Tuesday they had seen sharpshooting mother Kathy Denton snipe the bread out of her daughter's hands from 800 meters away. Everyone be very careful-no...Read more...
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on (#6M4R1)
Tesla CEO Elon Musk announced the layoffs of 10% of the company's workforce, stating that the cuts would allow the foundering corporation to be lean, innovative and hungry for the next growth phase cycle." What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6M4R2)
Ippei Mizuhara, the interpreter for Shohei Ohtani, allegedly stole $16 million from the Dodgers star and lost $40 million while gambling with the funds. The Onion asked sports bettors to explain how they would have used the money, and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#6M4AM)
Donald Trump began his trial in Manhattan this week in the case regarding his hush money payments to cover up his affair with porn star Stormy Daniels, marking the first time a former American president has faced a criminal trial. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6M3W1)
NEW YORK-Provided with a bullish catalyst as the world was cast into perpetual darkness, brimstone stocks rose Tuesday on news that the Antichrist had ushered in the Age of Eternal Misery. Common shares of brimstone surged to all-time highs after the Antichrist announced a new era of pestilence and never-ending woe,"...Read more...
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on (#6M3W2)
ALPHARETTA, GA-Racking his brain for the reason he decided to apply lard to his person and publicly self-immolate, absent-minded man Tim Bagwell told reporters Tuesday that he couldn't remember why he slathered his nude body in pork fat and lit himself on fire. I cannot for the life of me recall why I stripped off...Read more...
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on (#6M3VD)
LEBANON, IN-Noting that the sandwich-making technique was simple but might take a few tries to master, local Subway manager Keith Unger showed a new hire Tuesday how to properly soak bread in mop water. So first things first: You're going to want to take your stale, hardened roll and then dunk it over and over in the...Read more...
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on (#6M3SV)
CLEVELAND-In a sign of solidarity to a nearby child-burdened party attempting to eat breakfast in peace at a local IHOP, 43-year-old father Greg Markie reportedly gave a knowing nod Tuesday to another family also dealing with a whiny little shit. Uh-huh, you too, huh?" the dead-eyed father reportedly mouthed,...Read more...
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on (#6M3DP)
INDIO, CA-In a viral video clip that left fans fawning over the celebrity couple, Travis Kelce reportedly tossed Taylor Swift 50 feet across the festival grounds at Coachella Saturday night. He picked her up and hurled her like it was nothing," said 25-year-old Brooke Renny, just one of dozens of festivalgoers who...Read more...
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on (#6M3D7)
LOS ANGELES-As rumors persist that he may be the next actor to take on the franchise's lead role, Aaron Taylor-Johnson told reporters Monday that he had been wondering whether buying a tuxedo would be more economical in the long run than renting one for each James Bond film. I know it's a big splurge, but if I'm...Read more...
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on (#6M3B3)
NEW YORK-Noting that the former president's high-profile antics had made it exceedingly difficult to move ahead with the case, sources confirmed Monday that Eric Trump was the only potential juror uninformed enough to serve at his father's trial. While the majority of other individuals in the pool were immediately...Read more...
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on (#6M30W)
Following the release of the trailer for Joker: Folie a Deux, The Onion reveals everything we know about the sequel to the popular 2019 film.Read more...
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on (#6M2Z2)
WASHINGTON-Calling an emergency session around 12:39 a.m., Congress quickly approved a bill for a national night-light Monday after waking up from a scary dream. While we're definitely not afraid of the dark, keeping a light on somewhere in the United States will be a source of comfort and make it easier to fall...Read more...
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on (#6M2Z5)
Three men who were stranded on an uninhabited island for over a week were rescued after spelling out help" on the beach using palm leaves, helping the U.S. Coast Guard to spot them. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6M2WS)
SILVER SPRING, MD-Holding their fingers up under their noses, the Food and Drug Administration announced Monday that their fingers smelled like orange after evaluating some oranges earlier. Smell them," said FDA commissioner Robert M. Califf, who held his hands outstretched so that reporters could confirm the...Read more...
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on (#6M1KQ)
The advocacy group Consumer Reports found that Lunchables contain potentially dangerous levels of lead, cadmium, and phthalates, as well as nearly half a child's recommended daily intake of sodium, and has advised the USDA to remove the product from the list of foods available through the National School Lunch...Read more...
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on (#6M1KR)
NAPLES, ITALY-In what is being hailed as a milestone in understanding the civilization that thrived in the region prior to a devastating natural disaster, University of Cambridge archaeologists confirmed Friday that their excavation of ancient Pompeii had unearthed a fully intact Leave the Gun, Take the Cannoli" tea...Read more...
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on (#6M1KS)
While many supporters had hoped Donald Trump would support a 15-week federal abortion ban, the former president has instead stated that the issue should be left up to the states. The Onion explores the pros and cons of allowing each individual state to enact their own abortion laws.Read more...
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on (#6M1EY)
Xaviar Michael Babudar, known for attending Kansas City Chiefs games dressed as a wolf and going by the name ChiefsAholic", was sentenced to pay a bank teller $10.8 million in damages after an armed robbery of an Oklahoma credit union. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6M19Z)
The Arizona Supreme Court ruled that a Civil War-era near-total abortion ban is law. The Onion provides in-depth analysis of everything we know about Arizona's 1864 abortion law.Read more...
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on (#6M1A0)
NEW YORK-Humiliated by the front-of-house manager's derision, local diner Geoff Telsey was reportedly forced to wear the maitre d's toupee Friday after arriving at the restaurant Chez Moreau bald. Sir, we require hair in the dining room," said the maitre d', who returned from the coat-check closet with a musty,...Read more...
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on (#6M1A1)
ITHACA, NY-Describing the environment as inadequate for the cognitive development of children, parenting experts at Cornell University warned Wednesday that sealing a newborn for years inside a chamber made entirely of glowing screens could have potentially negative effects. Studies have produced very concerning data...Read more...
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on (#6M17J)
Despite being unable to complete a single school assignment, 13-year-old boys somehow have the patience to sit through a four-hour Andrew Tate video. If you catch your son watching right-wing propaganda, here is what you should say.Read more...
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on (#6M17K)
BANGOR, ME-Tearing away the pall of shadow and misery that had once cloaked his whole existence, an extra egg roll mistakenly thrown into a takeout order at local Chinese restaurant Panda Palace reportedly became Allen Russo's sole reason for living this week. There is hope in this bleak world after all," said...Read more...
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on (#6M17M)
ASHGABAT, TURKMENISTAN-Putting her aspirations on the back burner for now, new mother Akja Charyeva told reporters Friday that she was forced to put her dream of becoming a Central Asian dictator on hold. However much I want to bring the Turkmen people under the rule of my iron first, I have to prioritize taking care...Read more...
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on (#6M0RH)
The Arizona Supreme Court ruled that a 160-year-old law banning all abortions from the time of conception with no allowances for cases of rape or incest can be enforced, usurping the state's previous 15-week abortion ban from 2022. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6M0NE)
LAS VEGAS-With onlookers gasping as the former football star made a big show of being too big for the casket, O.J. Simpson was reportedly allowed to remain alive Thursday after his coffin didn't fit. If the coffin doesn't fit, you must let him live a bit." said O.J. eulogizer Tommie Lochran, who advocated for Simpson...Read more...
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on (#6M0CQ)
WEATOGUE, CT-Delivering the message just as their daughters were getting ready to order lunch, the nation's moms called a press conference Wednesday to announce aloud to no one in particular that salads can be very filling. Maybe order one and see if you're still hungry after that-you can always order more," said...Read more...
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on (#6M0CR)
NAPLES, FL-Claiming they had to do what was best for themselves and their families, a group of local residents confirmed Thursday they had established a more exclusive gated community within the already-gated Crestwood Estates development. To protect our property values from the undesirable element now moving into...Read more...
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on (#6M0C3)
According to an announcement on its website, the Chechen Ministry of Culture banned all music with a tempo below 80 or above 116 beats per minute to conform to the Chechen mentality and sense of rhythm," thereby criminalizing many genres. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6M0A7)
NEW YORK-Earning widespread acclaim from romance readers, a dildo embossed with the text He's a famous hockey player" had shot to the top of The New York Times' paperback trade fiction bestsellers list this week. Once you start, it's impossible to put it down," said 27-year-old Sofia Rasing, who described the...Read more...
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on (#6M0A8)
While pleasuring oneself can be fun, sometimes it can be beneficial to remove your hand from your pants and give your overworked genitals a break. Here are all the hidden health benefits of refusing to masturbate.Read more...
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on (#6M0A9)
SILVER SPRING, MD-Urging all 340 million Americans to avoid filling up in order to better enjoy the evening's meal, the Food and Drug Administration issued a warning Thursday that if the U.S. populace ate now, it wouldn't be hungry for supper. Our findings suggest that if you have a snack right now, you'll just...Read more...
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on (#6KZXK)
Prime Minister Pedro Sanchez of Spain announced plans to scrap a so-called golden visa" law that allows wealthy non-E.U. residents to live in Spain if they buy real estate there. What do you think?Read more...
on (#6KZXM)
A woman in Florida was sentenced to jail time for stealing President Joe Biden's daughter's journal and selling it to the conservative group Project Veritas for $20,000. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6KZXN)
CHICAGO-As a capstone to a record-breaking day for the internationally recognized brand's views and advertising revenue, The Onion released a statement Wednesday confirming that it had used all of the funds raised from its annual Click Drive to purchase a Yamaha WaveRunner VX series. Following a massive haul that...Read more...
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on (#6KZTW)
EVERYWHERE-Wondering when the unending barrage of content from The Onion's Click Drive might finally give way, the nation was informed by insiders at the media outlet Wednesday that they would not stop pestering people until they gave in and engaged with the fucking thing. Rest assured, the Click Drive will continue...Read more...
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on (#6KZQT)
Readers:Read more...
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on (#6KZKZ)
ATLANTA-Saying that when it came to manual strength and dexterity the only options were to use it or lose it," the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention issued a new set of health guidelines Wednesday that recommended a minimum of six hours of daily clicking for healthy fingers. To ensure that your fingers...Read more...
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on (#6KZKA)
Welcome To The Onion's Click Drive. Thanks to the generous clicks of readers like yourself, we're able to keep invaluable journalistic projects going:Read more...
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on (#6KZKB)
Back when it was a great, respected, and profitable business, journalism employed thousands of reporters who worked tirelessly to cover interesting and important stories from around the globe. But now, after years of neglect, an overreliance on programmatic advertising, and predation by private equity firms, the...Read more...
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on (#6KYZD)
Country music singer Morgan Wallen was arrested after throwing a chair off the roof of a newly six-story bar in downtown Nashville, with the chair landing three feet from police officers. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6KYJJ)
THE KINGDOM OF KARAVAR-Indicating that strong performances in such feats of strength and agility were highly predictive of future triumphs, alchemists and enchanters on the King's High Counsel released a study Tuesday linking high scores on the Tests of Fortitude to becoming leader of the Seven Realms later in life....Read more...
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on (#6KYJK)
These short phrases were crafted to perfectly encapsulate each state's repulsive residents and atrocious history. The Onion examines the official motto of every state.Read more...
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