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The Onion
| Link | https://theonion.com/ |
| Feed | https://www.theonion.com/rss |
| Updated | 2024-11-24 02:45 |
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on (#5VNB1)
A New York City ethics panel has agreed that Mayor Eric Adams can hire his brother as a senior security adviser, but only at $1 per year and with no power over department personnel, not the $240,000 salary the position was supposedly set to pay. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5VHPQ)
The four-ton upper stage of a SpaceX rocket that did not return to Earth after a completed mission is on course to crash into the Moon and explode seven years after it was launched, producing an impact capable of creating a 65-foot crater. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5VHMJ)
As if he doesn’t have enough on his plate right now?Read more...
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on (#5VGDY)
Supreme Court justice Stephen Breyer announced his retirement on Wednesday, leading to a flurry of speculation over who President Joe Biden will nominate to replace him. The Onion looks at the leading potential replacements for Justice Breyer.
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on (#5VG7C)
NEW YORK—In a “generous offer,” meant to bridge the gap between the two sides as contract bargaining negotiations stalled, Major League Baseball’s owners reportedly proposed Thursday that the agreement offer players college credit in lieu of salary. “While the owners strongly disagree with the MLBPA proposals on…Read more...
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on (#5VG7D)
WASHINGTON—In a closed-door meeting to discuss strategies to fill the recently vacated court seat, President Biden reportedly met with Senate Democrats Thursday to discuss breaking up his Supreme Court nominee and confirming her in parts. “Many moderate members of the caucus fear that we’re inviting backlash by trying…Read more...
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on (#5VFQ3)
SEATTLE—Digging deep in the back of her kitchen cabinet, local woman Brenna White reportedly uncovered Wednesday a dusty can of bamboo shoots, the last remaining trace of her withered cooking ambitions. “A relic of a lost period,” said the 32-year-old, carefully extricating the item from the far reaches of the pantry,…Read more...
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on (#5VF33)
Musician Neil Young wrote an open letter to his management and record label, demanding his classic song library be removed from Spotify if they continue to allow podcast hosts like Joe Rogan a platform to spread Covid-19 misinformation. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5VEWM)
SPOKANE, WA—Saying it played a “dangerous role” in denying perennial all-stars the rings they clearly deserved, Hall of Fame NBA guard John Stockton claimed Wednesday that the Covid-19 vaccine was the No. 1 reason athletes failed to win a single championship. “We have no idea what is in this thing, but it’s obviously…Read more...
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on (#5VEWK)
WASHINGTON—In a controversial political maneuver that sparked outrage from Democrats and their allies, sources confirmed Wednesday that Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell had blocked Supreme Court Justice Stephen Breyer from retiring. “It is the Senate’s constitutional right to act as a check on Stephen Breyer,”…Read more...
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on (#5VEKP)
HOUSTON, TX—Pleased by the unexpected boon to their department, local police officers reportedly flipped through a list of unsolved crimes Wednesday to see what else they could pin on Andy Poulton, the mentally disabled man currently in their custody. “Let’s see, we’ve got a whole bunch of open burglaries and assault…Read more...
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on (#5VEKN)
NATO is in the news as tensions rise between member states and Russia over a potential military conflict in Ukraine. The Onion answers the most common questions about the history and role of NATO.
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on (#5VDRD)
BROOKLYN—Glancing out of the corner of his eye as his hand froze in place, Lakers head coach Frank Vogel was waiting for LeBron James to nod during Tuesday’s game before he drew the next line on his whiteboard. “Now, Anthony will come out to set a pick here so, Trevor can, so um, he can,” mumbled Vogel, who paused the…Read more...
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on (#5VCVW)
Archeologists have unearthed a rare 4,000-year-old board game in a Bronze and Iron Age settlement site in Oman, the game having grid markings that make it look similar to backgammon. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5VC2W)
Over the past year, tech giants like Facebook, Microsoft, and Google have invested billions of dollars into virtual reality technology. The Onion asked some of the world’s most powerful business leaders about the future of the metaverse, and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#5VBVM)
NASHVILLE, TN—Troubled by the ethical implications of such an event, local woman Kennedy Feeney told reporters Monday that she was feeling doubly conflicted about attending a Harry Potter-themed plantation wedding. “She’s a close friend, but when I saw that the venue was a former slave plantation and that we were…Read more...
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on (#5VBP9)
IRVING, TX—Corroborating a suspicion long held by critics in the environmental movement, documents leaked Monday confirmed that ExxonMobil has known exactly which day the world would end since the 1970s. “These documents prove that for decades ExxonMobil executives deliberately obfuscated evidence that they knew the…Read more...
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on (#5VBKP)
CHICAGO—In an effort to ensure everything at home would be taken care of while she was on vacation, local woman Becca Hayworth, 29, reportedly asked Monday if a friend would mind coming by and assuming her identity for the next couple weeks. “If you could just stop by in the mornings, put on my clothes, and attend all…Read more...
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on (#5VBKN)
WASHINGTON—Condemning Putin’s actions across the region in the strongest possible terms, President Joe Biden vowed Monday that if Russia invaded Ukraine, the United States would invade one country of equivalent value. “Should Russia attempt any incursion on Ukraine, the U.S. will not stand down, and we will have no…Read more...
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on (#5VBKM)
LITTLE ROCK, AR—Noting that it was possible to accomplish so much more at the city and state level, pragmatic extremist Eddie Jonson stressed the importance Monday of working to assassinate local politicians. “It’s easy to feel despondent about the way things are going in D.C., and it can seem impossible to make a…Read more...
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on (#5V9E5)
Joe Biden has completed the first year of his presidency, a tenure that has seen its share of controversy and political gridlock. The Onion looks at the highlights of President Biden’s first year in office.
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on (#5V9CS)
LAS VEGAS—Waving away her manager and Colosseum bookers, renowned pop musician Adele announced the postponement of her Las Vegas residency Friday, reportedly to avoid giving up her seat at a hot slot machine. “I was so looking forward to performing, but goddamn, I’m on one hell of a hot streak,” the Grammy-winning…Read more...
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on (#5V90F)
CLEVELAND—With critics calling the instrument an essential part of Sumeria’s history of killer riffs and hot licks, the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame came under pressure Friday to return to Iraq an ancient Mesopotamian Stratocaster that was plundered by British archaeologists during the colonial era. “Dating from 3300 BC,…Read more...
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on (#5V84Z)
Starbucks is no longer requiring its U.S. workers to be vaccinated against Covid-19 or to regularly test for the virus, in one of the most high-profile corporate reversals since the Supreme Court blocked the Biden administration’s workplace vaccine policy. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5V80M)
WASHINGTON—In an effort to revive her lagging capital gains, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi introduced a landmark piece of legislation Thursday that would appropriate federal funds to provide aid for her struggling personal stock portfolio. “This monumental bill will inject a much-needed and long-overdue stimulus,…Read more...
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on (#5V7YA)
With so much at stake in upcoming elections, it’s more important than ever for Americans to stand up and make their voices heard. Here’s what to say to someone who refuses to vote.Read more...
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on (#5V7BY)
DANVERS, MA—Confirming his disapproval of the shopping plaza’s trajectory, local dad Mark Sipes reportedly expressed concerns Thursday about the direction the Liberty Tree Mall was headed in. “Five, 10 years ago, it was one of the better shopping centers in the area, but these days, it’s all just dollar stores and…Read more...
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on (#5V7BX)
COLUMBUS, OH—Grumbling under her breath about the lack of consideration for others, Riverside Methodist Hospital worker Deborah LaBrunda expressed frustration Thursday while rounding up gurneys that patients had left scattered across the parking lot after failing to put them in the corrals where they belonged. “How…Read more...
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on (#5V7BW)
The remains of a 33-foot-long ichthyosaur, a marine reptile that lived 180 million years ago, has been unearthed on a nature preserve in England, making it the largest and most complete fossil of its kind ever to be found in the U.K. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5V6NT)
Wordle is the internet’s new sensation. But why are people so obsessed with it? The Onion answers your burning questions about Wordle.
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on (#5V6NV)
WASHINGTON—Emphasizing the importance of distributing personal protective equipment during the latest wave of Covid-19, the Biden administration announced Wednesday it had placed a sign reading “take one” on a bowl of N95 masks and set it out on the White House stoop. “Today, with Omicron raging and infection rates…Read more...
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on (#5V6JR)
A new study has revealed that women are 15% more likely to suffer a bad outcome and 32% more likely to die when operated on by a male surgeon than a female surgeon, with male surgeons’ “implicit sex biases” pointed out as one possible explanation. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5V6H7)
WASHINGTON—Following a sudden jolt and an ear-splitting boom, oxygen masks reportedly dropped from the nation’s ceilings Wednesday after the Earth hit a rough patch in orbit. “Good afternoon, folks, we are asking that all Americans affix the yellow oxygen masks that can be seen dangling before them as we experience…Read more...
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on (#5V3T0)
UNIVERSITY PARK, TX—In what was believed to be the first instance of an intelligent device exhibiting such advanced capabilities, a smart home security camera reportedly conspired with burglars Monday in exchange for half the loot. Sources confirmed that after the Neos SmartCam discovered suspicious men casing the…Read more...
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on (#5V3T1)
ASBURY PARK, NJ—In the latest indicator of the commander in chief’s waning popularity, a new Rasmussen poll released Monday showed that the average U.S. horse still overwhelmingly preferred a carrot to a photo of President Joe Biden. “A staggering 98 percent of American horses responded more enthusiastically to the…Read more...
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on (#5V3SA)
Your nurse is a trained professional who’s there to keep your diseased lungs working, not a waitress at Olive Garden.Read more...
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on (#5V3QN)
MISSOULA, MT—Recalling that as a young woman she had quite the reputation for guzzling huge loads, local grandmother Edith Mooney claimed Monday that she was quite the cum dumpster back in the day. “You know, I may not look it now, but back in my prime, I was an absolute gutter slut,” said Mooney, smiling fondly as…Read more...
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on (#5V19R)
Buckingham Palace announced that Prince Andrew has been stripped of his military titles and charities, a day after a judge ruled a sexual abuse civil lawsuit against the Queen’s son could proceed. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5V17H)
HONOLULU—Wiping the sweat from his head as he studied a baffling putt angle on the eighth green, PGA golfer Grant Fahey told reporters Friday that he was hoping to hit the office later if his round finished early. “It’s been a long week out on the links, but it’s all worth it to know that I can take off this hat and…Read more...
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on (#5V178)
Web3 is being called the future of the internet. But what is Web3, exactly? The Onion explains.
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on (#5V128)
OLATHE, KS—Kicking herself for failing to read the product’s dimensions, local woman Annalisa Farrell told reporters Friday that she never would have bought her new Wayfair sofa had she known it was 300 feet tall. “Goddamnit, this is all my fault,” said Farrell, who threw up her arms in exasperation and groaned as she…Read more...
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