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on (#6BM92)
Billionaire Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg competed in his first local jiu-jitsu tournament, announcing on Instagram that he won gold and silver medals. What do you think?Read more...
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The Onion
| Link | https://theonion.com/ |
| Feed | https://www.theonion.com/rss |
| Updated | 2025-11-05 11:03 |
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on (#6BKK7)
SAN ANTONIO, TX—Fearing the worst after catching her partner taking care of himself, local woman Lorena Gonzalez worried Tuesday that her boyfriend Kyle Morland was cheating after noticing he had picked up a healthy habit. “I don’t want to sound paranoid, but I haven’t been able to shake the feeling that he’s fooling…Read more...
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on (#6BK4X)
ANN ARBOR, MI—Addressing the woman who was growing to be more of a stranger every day, local man Ted Everett reportedly tried to save his marriage Tuesday by complimenting his wife’s jacket. “It looks really nice on you,” said Everett, telling his wife of five years that it “fits [her] really well” and asking …Read more...
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on (#6BK4Y)
MCLEAN, VA—Noting there would be no effect on the product’s appearance or taste, M&M’s announced Tuesday that 1 in every 100 of the company’s candies would now act as an abortion pill. “If you need to terminate a pregnancy in a state where it is legally impossible to do so, then, statistically speaking, you could just…Read more...
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on (#6BK2N)
Yeah, sex is cool, but have you tried being an incel? If you happen to know an incel or are currently being harassed by one, here are things you should never say.Read more...
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on (#6BK2Q)
WILLIAMSPORT, PA—Officials have reportedly been dealing with a high volume of player complaints in the first weeks of the season as Little Leaguers express concerns that introducing a pitch clock would cut into their grass-picking time. “I get that they want to speed up the pace of play, but this pitch clock is going…Read more...
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on (#6BJA4)
An art installation by Maurizio Cattelan that featured a ripe banana taped to a wall at a Seoul art museum was devoured by a college student, who defended himself by saying he was “hungry” after skipping breakfast. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6BGGS)
LONDON—Crashing through the stained glass window of Westminster Abbey in a desperate attempt to free himself, a panicked King Charles III was seen flailing wildly Saturday after getting his head stuck inside the coronation crown. “Help! Help! Get me out of this godforsaken crown this instant!” said the king, who tried…Read more...
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on (#6BG2S)
WASHINGTON—Telling critics in Congress that if they wanted serious reform they simply needed to make it worth his while, Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas promised Friday he would adopt a code of ethics for the right price. “After hearing out the Senate Judiciary Committee’s concerns, I admit to seeing the…Read more...
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on (#6BF36)
Text messages from Tucker Carlson set off a panic inside Fox News after their revelation, showcasing the former host’s private and often alarming innermost thoughts. Here, obtained by The Onion in an exclusive trove from an anonymous source, are the complete and unredacted texts that reportedly led to his firing.Read more...
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on (#6BEZK)
NEW YORK—In a viral video that has put heightened pressure on local authorities, a vigilante reportedly killed Eric Adams Thursday after he acted erratically as mayor of New York. “While I didn’t want to do it, [Adams] was ranting and raving incoherently, making me fear for my safety and the safety of everyone around…Read more...
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on (#6BEC5)
Concertgoers say an attendee at a Los Angeles Philharmonic performance this past week reportedly had what one witness called “a loud and full-body orgasm” during Tchaikovsky’s Symphony No. 5. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6BDP1)
Thousands of film and television writers who are members of the WGA are on strike for the first time since 2007, a move that could bring an immediate halt to the production of many television shows and possibly delay the start of new seasons of others later this year. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6BDP2)
WASHINGTON—In a rare unanimous opinion that did not pertain to any case pending before them, the nine justices of the U.S. Supreme Court issued a brief but official order Wednesday that stated, “We wear gold crowns now.” “In addition to our long black robes—which henceforth will be woven from the finest velvet and…Read more...
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on (#6BD86)
Republicans in Congress are attempting to use the debt ceiling standoff to push work requirements for food stamp recipients. The Onion asked politicians why they support the controversial bill, and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#6BD6A)
NORTH HAVEN, CT—With friends and family celebrating his storied life in the wake of his recent passing, sources confirmed this week that a local 89-year-old man left behind a rich history of processing and excreting nutrients. “Throughout his life, he almost never missed an opportunity to place food into his mouth,…Read more...
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on (#6BD6C)
KINSHASA, ZAIRE—Ordering rescue helicopters to the long-fallen nation, U.S. personnel were reportedly evacuated from the Zaire embassy Wednesday amid the country not existing for over 25 years. “We have found it untenable to maintain a diplomatic presence in the central African nation of Zaire given the current state…Read more...
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on (#6BD4N)
HOUSTON—After the measure was fast-tracked through the city council, a new zoning law went into effect this week that requires all developers in Houston to put in 10 additional parking spaces for every parking space. “We’re dedicated to adopting urban planning strategies that ensure our community has access to a…Read more...
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on (#6BCD8)
LOS ANGELES—Emphasizing the negative effects the recent union action would have on the company, Netflix officials condemned the Writers Guild of America strike Tuesday for putting future show cancellations behind schedule. “We have dozens of shows already stuck in the early stages of the preproduction process, but…Read more...
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on (#6BC0B)
SKOKIE, IL—Rolling their eyes at the octogenarian’s exaggerated, feeble movements, sources confirmed Tuesday that local 89-year-old Melvin Dressel was being a little showy about how hobbled he was. “We get it, you use a cane,” said sources, who expressed their exasperation as they watched the osteoarthritis-riddled…Read more...
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on (#6BBYR)
Ron DeSantis, the rightwing governor of Florida, has been making headlines due to his ongoing feud with Disney and rumored presidential bid. The Onion sits down with the prominent Republican to discuss his political principles.Read more...
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on (#6BBCD)
A Scottish ultramarathon runner who initially finished third in a 50-mile race in England was disqualified after officials discovered she had traveled in a car for a section of the course. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6BB8B)
WASHINGTON—Gesturing with a frail hand while shuddering under a blanket, President Joe Biden reportedly asked the nation Monday to come and sit by him and keep him company until the end. “Come, my hour draws near,” said Biden, who patted the couch cushion and spoke in a strained whisper as he urged all 330 million…Read more...
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on (#6BB8F)
SEATTLE—Feeling depressed in the midst of several recent personal and professional setbacks, local man Adam Jackson reportedly reminded himself Monday that he was merely going through a phase in which his life was imploding and it was all downhill from here. “I need to remember that everything happens for a reason,…Read more...
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on (#6B89B)
WASHINGTON—Quietly applying to better jobs while still working her current one, Vice President Kamala Harris reportedly asked a West Wing docent Friday if she could put him down as a reference. “Hey, James—it’s James, right?—would you be okay with me putting you down as a work reference on my résumé?” said Harris,…Read more...
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on (#6B89C)
MINNEAPOLIS—Breathing a deep sigh of relief, local driver Rob Glasser was reportedly thankful Friday after confirming the pedestrian he had struck with his car was just dented. “Well, thank God it’s nothing serious,” said Glasser, bending down to examine the small dent on the pedestrian’s forehead, which he noted…Read more...
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on (#6B88Z)
PENBROOK, WA—Risking her life so that she might protect the promising young generation placed in her charge, brave local teacher Amanda Twilling reportedly rushed a mass shooter in her classroom Friday to save the life of Steven Citterton, a student she was trying to sleep with. “I wasn’t going to let a strong,…Read more...
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on (#6B7SV)
KANSAS CITY, MO—Overcome by anxiety after his frantic search turned up nothing, ESPN analyst Mel Kiper Jr. reportedly panicked Thursday after realizing he left his NFL Draft big board in an Uber. “Shit, shit, shit, I knew I shouldn’t have set it down on the seat beside me,” said Kiper, trying to piece together another…Read more...
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on (#6B7MR)
NEW YORK—In an effort to help the team that recently traded for him, quarterback Aaron Rodgers is said to have urged the New York Jets to trade all of their draft picks Thursday after his numerological study revealed terrible omens. “Whatever you do, you cannot, I repeat, cannot, use the 15th pick—using the 15th pick…Read more...
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on (#6B7K0)
Pope Francis will allow women to participate in an upcoming assembly of bishops as voting members for the first time this year, in his latest move to increase the presence of women in leadership roles in the Catholic Church. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6B7K1)
CHARLESTON, SC—Assuring the White House hopeful that his polling so far had been largely positive, the chair of Republican Sen. Tim Scott’s exploratory committee mentioned Thursday that GOP voters did have one big reservation about him, but that he didn’t want to say what it was. “Overall, there was plenty of…Read more...
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on (#6B735)
LA CROSSE, WI—In a formidable display of her newly acquired knowledge, local School of the Art Institute of Chicago freshman Laura Sellers excitedly told her parents all about the color blue when she was back home for a visit Thursday. “So, blue is a color—it’s sort of like purple, but completely different,” said…Read more...
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on (#6B736)
MUSTIQUE ISLAND, WEST INDIES—Expressing gratitude for a chance to finally get away from their hectic lives and actually relax for once, wealthy couple George and Jillian Wheelan told reporters Thursday they were taking a real vacation for the first time in weeks. “I can’t believe we waited so long to pull the trigger,…Read more...
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on (#6B737)
WASHINGTON—Rushing at top speed to prevent the 7-year-old from taking what was rightfully hers, Treasury Secretary Janet Yellen reportedly shoved a child out of the way Thursday to get at a quarter on the sidewalk. “Out of my fucking way, you little pissant,” said a visibly determined Yellen, who was seen throwing the…Read more...
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on (#6B6ZS)
According to a new study, nearly 72% of college students surveyed report that the reproductive health laws in the state where their school is located are important to their decision to stay enrolled. What do you think?Read more...
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