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The Onion
| Link | https://theonion.com/ |
| Feed | https://www.theonion.com/rss |
| Updated | 2024-11-24 04:30 |
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on (#5S0WC)
Tired of overcooked turkey, canned gravy, and grandma’s tasteless green bean casserole? Then it’s time to call in the pros. We asked celebrity chefs to share their favorite Thanksgiving cooking hacks, and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#5S0W9)
Recent reporting by The Onion and several lesser media outlets finds growing tensions between President Joe Biden and Vice President Kamala Harris, continuing a historical trend of the nation’s leader often being at odds with their second-in-command. The Onion looks at the most contentious relationships between a…Read more...
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on (#5RYMB)
Oh, please, you know exactly why your neighborhood is suddenly a “hot” place to live. Here are several signs you are gentrifying your neighborhood.Read more...
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on (#5RYHX)
WASHINGTON—Stressing that he already had his turn in the seat of power, Senator Patrick Leahy (D-VT) announced Monday that he would not be seeking re-election in order to make room for the next generation of 70-year-olds entering politics. “It’s time we let some fresh, septuagenarian blood into this place,” said Leahy…Read more...
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on (#5RY1G)
A new report has revealed that the Thames river, which was previously declared “biologically dead,” has recovered enough to host over 115 species of fish, including venomous sharks called Spurdogs. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5RXBG)
INDIANAPOLIS—Cursing as yet another call interrupted a fade route to T.Y. Hilton, Colts quarterback Carson Wentz confirmed Sunday that his helmet radio won’t stop ringing despite answering just a single call from a telemarketer last week. “Jesus Christ, I answer one unknown number that I thought might be our offensive…Read more...
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on (#5RVG2)
SAN DIEGO—In an effort to reduce fears and concerns about the loose jungle cat, the San Diego Zoo assured the public Friday that an escaped leopard would kill them quickly. “Rest assured that if you cross paths with this escaped leopard, you will be dead before you even think about being scared,” said zookeeper Lloyd…Read more...
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on (#5RVDK)
If your romantic partner isn’t constantly full of self-loathing to the point that they can barely function, it’s a sign you may be dealing with a seriously deranged individual.Read more...
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on (#5RTZC)
A brothel in Vienna is providing Covid-19 vaccinations and giving those who take up the offer a 30-minute session with a “lady of their choice” if they get the vaccine at the on-site clinic. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5RT2B)
KENOSHA, WI—Arguing that the prosecution had demonstrated flagrant bias throughout the proceedings, critics questioned Thursday why Kenosha County Assistant District Attorney Thomas Binger had repeatedly singled out Kyle Rittenhouse over the course of the Kyle Rittenhouse trial. “Not a day has gone by during this…Read more...
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on (#5RSZM)
Supply chain disruptions across the globe have led to record shortages of many consumer products and industrial commodities, with many experts warning the problems are likely to get worse. The Onion looks at the major causes of the current global supply chain issues.
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on (#5RSZN)
FORT MYERS, FL—His bedroom walls quivering and cracking the moment he opened the secret tome, local teen Charlie Donnell reportedly found his eyes beginning to glow red Thursday as he recited forbidden knowledge from a book containing critical race theory. “The fact of slavery refuses to fade, along with the deeply…Read more...
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on (#5RSX4)
WASHINGTON—In a display of its ongoing commitment to the pursuit of scientific knowledge, Congress passed a measure Thursday approving the acquisition of an empty paper towel roll for NASA to use as a telescope. “Thanks to this generous act, our scientists will soon be able to cover up one eye, squint through a…Read more...
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on (#5RSX5)
Most women in the workplace repeat this single thought over and over in their heads until it’s time to clock out and become a woman in the elevator, a woman on the train, a woman in the home, and so on.Read more...
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on (#5RSSZ)
SEATTLE—Citing models that showed how rising temperatures and melting sea ice were contributing to the phenomenon, scientists affiliated with the Climate Impacts Group at the University of Washington warned Thursday that fish would be under even more water by the year 2065. “If we fail to combat the climate crisis,…Read more...
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on (#5RRAE)
On Nov. 8, 18 months after the coronavirus pandemic began, the U.S. lifted travel restrictions for vaccinated people from many countries. The Onion was on the ground bearing witness to scenes from the lifted travel restrictions.Read more...
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on (#5RR26)
The Biden administration has lifted the pandemic-related travel ban that lasted over 600 days for international visitors from 33 countries, with travelers now required to show proof of vaccination and a recent negative Covid-19 test. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5RQBP)
Republican Sen. Ted Cruz accused Sesame Street of publishing “government propaganda” after the character Big Bird’s twitter account announced that the anthropomorphic bird had received his Covid-19 vaccination. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5RQ5R)
Despite FDA approval and multiple studies proving it provides life-saving immunity, many people across the United States refuse to get the Covid-19 vaccine. Here are the most terrifying excuses anti-vaxxers use to avoid getting immunized.Read more...
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on (#5RQ5S)
“Sometimes your voice cracks when you’re about to yell hike and the defense laughs at you, lowering your self-esteem.”Read more...
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on (#5RQ2Z)
BRATTLEBORO, VT—Rubbing his hands together in what appeared to be more anticipation than he could contain, local man Dennis Kaili stated Tuesday that the dollar bill currently dangling from a fishing line right there along the path he was walking sure did look enticing. “By gosh, that’s one good-lookin’ buckaroo,…Read more...
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on (#5RQ30)
GREEN BAY, WI—Lashing out at those who had criticized his decision to refuse the Covid-19 shot, a defiant Aaron Rodgers told reporters Tuesday that he can’t get vaccinated because he’s only 4 years old. “I’m not old enough to get the shot yet—maybe in kindergarten though,” said Rodgers, who attributed his unvaccinated…Read more...
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on (#5RPVA)
Microsoft’s latest console might be sold out at most major retailers, but there’s still one place where you can score one of these hot-ticket items before the holiday season. Here’s the scoop on how to score your free Xbox Series X by redeeming the promotional coupon at Church’s Chicken with a five-piece chicken…Read more...
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on (#5RPVB)
CINCINNATI—In a ground-breaking, hour-long video presentation, Bounty officials revealed Tuesday that they were rebranding their business as the metaverse of napkins. “Today we proudly unveil the napkinverse: an immersive consumer paper product like you’ve seen before,” said CEO Eric McGill, who shared an image of…Read more...
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on (#5RPHP)
A new study suggests that female California condors can reproduce without a male after two chicks hatched from unfertilized eggs, a process called parthenogenesis, which is already known to be possible in bees and sharks. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5RNPT)
ORLANDO—Attacking the “idleness,” that leads men to just hide up in an attic on the Provence map, Missouri Sen. Josh Hawley slammed video games Monday as a threat to masculinity after a “bullshit sniper,” ended his killstreak in Battlefield V. “It’s painful for American men to know that you can be right about to score…Read more...
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on (#5RNNC)
Ithaca, NY has voted to fully decarbonize all of its 6,000 buildings, which account for 40% of its greenhouse gas emissions, in the first phase of a novel 100% carbon-free city climate policy that is to be completed by 2030. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5RNF8)
LOS ANGELES—Needlessly implementing strict confidentiality measures, Paramount Pictures was vastly overestimating how secretive they needed to be about the script for Transformers: Rise Of The Beasts, the upcoming seventh installment in the film series, sources confirmed Monday. In order to ensure the movie’s plot was…Read more...
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on (#5RJM2)
A juror in the Kyle Rittenhouse trial has been dismissed after telling a courtroom deputy a joke about Jacob Blake’s shooting, with the judge calling his removal necessary for maintaining public confidence in the trial. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5RJKS)
ABINGDON, VA—Saying their failure to head off the fundamentalist legal code had prepared them for the difficult fight ahead, Virginia parents told reporters Wednesday that after watching their schools be taken over by Sharia law they refused to make the same mistake with Critical Race Theory. “We already saw what…Read more...
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on (#5RH3T)
BENSENVILLE, IL—Looking upon the mighty cadre of third graders in awe and reverence, a group of 9-year-old boys gazed longingly at the elite few chosen to bowl in birthday boy Brian Caldwell’s lane, sources confirmed Thursday. “They booked three whole lanes, but Tyler and Eli and Sam get to bowl with Brian,” said…Read more...
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on (#5RGY9)
You could be insane, but more than likely, you’re just a normal person dealing with some insane people problems. Here are intrusive thoughts that are actually very common.Read more...
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on (#5RGXY)
NEW ORLEANS—Looking to the distant future for the hope he felt he could not find today, Saints quarterback Jameis Winston opted Thursday to cryogenically freeze his knee in the hopes future generations find a cure for a torn ACL. “I have no hope with today’s technology, but I’m hoping in 500 years we will have…Read more...
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on (#5RGTD)
CHICAGO—In a well-attended ceremony held to recognize their fellow officer’s long and distinguished career, Chicago police officials gathered Thursday to honor Richard Citterton, an 18-year veteran of the force who was lost Thursday in the line of due process. “Today we mourn the loss of a beloved police officer,…Read more...
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on (#5RFWC)
Heartwarming story alert, gamers! This WWF War Zone cartridge had a nest that a baby Xbox Series X clambered into when it had broken one of its controller ports. The N64 cartridge then took in the Xbox as its own and nursed it back to health. They’ve been inseparable ever since!
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on (#5RE82)
MILWAUKEE, WI—Displaying a woeful lack of understanding for how others perceived her, local ferret owner Ashleigh Bardell was reportedly under the impression that any of her other characteristics mattered, sources confirmed Tuesday. “As soon as she uttered the words ‘This is my pet black sable, Jellybean,’ I…Read more...
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on (#5RE83)
Even if you work hard and save all your life, nowadays, that still may not be enough to get you through the six months of freedom you’ll have until you die. Here are several signs you may never actually be able to retire.Read more...
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