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on (#63JW7)
GLASTONBURY, CT—Expressing his indifference to the matter as long as they found a spot where they were comfortable, chill substitute teacher Nick Durgen told an eighth-grade classroom Tuesday that they could hide wherever they wanted in the event of a school shooting. “If you’re not in your assigned spot for a…Read more...
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The Onion
| Link | https://theonion.com/ |
| Feed | https://www.theonion.com/rss |
| Updated | 2025-07-06 08:45 |
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on (#63JNC)
HARTFORD, CT—Identifying the clues laid out in the user’s many posts, local woman Dana Coyne told reporters Tuesday that the Facebook status of friend, Lindsay Somner, hints at the fact that being a wife is a prison from which she can never be free. “To the untrained eye, her post saying, ‘Nice day at the lake with my…Read more...
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on (#63JND)
NEW ORLEANS—Freezing in horror at the unnatural movement of the creature cloaked in darkness, local man Nick Harris reported Wednesday that the bug crawling upside-down on his ceiling must be possessed by a demon. “How—how is it doing that if not controlled by some evil, other-worldly force?” said a cowering Harris,…Read more...
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on (#63JKJ)
NEW YORK—Touting the offering as perfect for baseball fans who wanted to save some money on their streaming service, MLB.com on Tuesday unveiled a new discount tier that lets users look at clipart of baseballs. “For only half the price of the MLB.tv stream, fans will be able to use their computer, phone, or smart TV…Read more...
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on (#63H9H)
Deciding which products will fulfill your basic needs or fill that gaping hole in your heart can be stressful. The Onion’s Test Sweatshop is here to help. Every product we recommend has been tested for over 50,000 hours by our army of indentured product testers. The Onion doesn’t make any money off these…Read more...
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on (#63EY7)
CHICAGO—Repeatedly mumbling “Don’t worry” and “I got this” to every person within earshot, local man Jacob Winston reportedly would not stop assuring everyone in line for the port-a-potty Friday that he pissed quick. “I’ll be so fast, I swear,” said the 29-year-old music festival attendee, who turned around multiple…Read more...
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on (#63ED4)
Miss England finalist Melisa Raouf, a 20-year-old college student from south London, has become the first-ever beauty queen to compete without wearing any makeup in the pageant’s nearly century-long history. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#63ECY)
CHICAGO—Noting that the bedtime ritual appeared to be an essential part of nearly every marital relationship, a study published Friday by the American Journal Of Sociology found that married couples spend nearly 40 minutes each year pointing a gun at their sleeping spouse. “Our findings suggest that married Americans…Read more...
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on (#63EB7)
LOS ANGELES—Pledging to cut down on fossil fuels in any way they could, a climate-conscious Drake, Kylie Jenner, and Elon Musk were spotted Friday cramming into a celebrity Megabus. “Before, I’d probably fly private between New York and L.A., but now, I’d much rather take a Megabus for a 45-hour, 3,000-mile trip…Read more...
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on (#63EB8)
SAN DIEGO—Saying that he was proud of the low-key relationship the two had maintained all these years, free agent NFL linebacker Manti Te’o revealed to reporters Friday that he’s still friends with Lennay Kekua. “While the romantic spark went out for us years ago, we still stay in touch, and I really appreciate…Read more...
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on (#63EB9)
LOUISVILLE, KY—According to reports, a local man’s mood quickly soured Friday evening when he realized the party he had just walked into was one of those awkward ones where he knew everyone there. “Just great—who the heck am I supposed to talk to?” said Noah Lefevre, who appeared to grow anxious as he looked around…Read more...
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on (#63DKH)
According to a Gallup survey, at least half of American workers say they are “quiet quitting”, or performing only the tasks they’re required to, giving up on the idea of “going above and beyond”. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#63DFY)
LONDON—Speaking to the bereaved in the hours after the monarch’s passing, Her Queen’s Counsel Frederick Dingnam reportedly informed the royal family Thursday that Queen Elizabeth II had left the throne to an overall-wearing Alabama cousin. “Her Majesty was quite clear that she wanted the crown to go to her distant…Read more...
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on (#63DCR)
NOVATO, CA—Revealing several new features in the console game ahead of its release, developer Visual Concepts announced Thursday that the ultra-realistic NBA 2K23 update adds unexplainable horseshit calls. “We wanted the playing experience in NBA 2K23 to be as close to the real thing as possible, and we can’t do that…Read more...
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on (#63DCS)
[ED. — DO NOT PUBLISH UNTIL AWFUL LADY IN THE GROUND]
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on (#63DCT)
CUPERTINO, CA—Boasting that the high-quality video could rival almost any professional film, Apple announced Thursday that the new iPhone 14 camera would come equipped with a Hollywood movie director for the best results yet. “With the new iPhone 14 and 14 Pro, users will have access to the sharpest video capabilities…Read more...
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on (#63D79)
SAN DIEGO—Stopping mid-bite as the truth dawned upon him, local man Drew Greiner was reportedly shocked to discover Thursday that the cannabis buds he had been eating out of a plastic bag contained marijuana.“Wait, this has weed in it? Oh my God, I just assumed they were normal plant parts,” said the house-party…Read more...
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on (#63D4P)
FRANKFORT, KY—Teaching the proper method for administering urgent, lifesaving care, a local CPR instructor recommended giving gentle forehead kisses between chest compressions so that the victim felt safe, sources reported Thursday. “Losing consciousness from respiratory or cardiac arrest is a traumatic experience, so…Read more...
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on (#63CXR)
Since Mary Peltola’s defeat of Sarah Palin in a ranked-choice election for Alaska’s congressional seat, many Republicans have publicly and emphatically denounced the practice. The Onion asked Republicans why they oppose ranked-choice, and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#63CXS)
Archaeologists have unearthed the skeletal remains of a female buried in a 17th-century Polish graveyard with a sickle pinned across her neck, a ritual during the time people believed would prevent “vampires” from rising from the dead. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#63C8N)
JERUSALEM—In a major technological breakthrough, the Israel Defense Forces reportedly deployed new low-speed rockets Wednesday that follow individual Palestinian residents around throughout the day. “Moving at speeds of three to five miles per hour, these rockets will always be trailing 10 feet behind all Palestinians…Read more...
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on (#63BMY)
“The thrill of going to jail always makes love more exciting.”Read more...
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on (#63BJN)
DALLAS—Scolding their child for not finishing his food, parents Debra and Mark Lynes reportedly forbade their 8-year-old son, Kevin, from leaving the dinner table Wednesday until he had finished the 72-ounce porterhouse steak on his plate. “You only have 15 minutes left, and you’re not even halfway done,” said Debra…Read more...
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on (#63BGT)
BROCKTON, MA—Declaring that only a complete idiot would put this roster together and expect to win a single game, local fantasy football player Taylor Mixon reportedly spent Wednesday night instinctively booing at his own draft picks. “What the hell am I doing? All of these players suck,” Mixon said as he methodically…Read more...
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on (#63BGV)
Investigators in New York seized 27 ancient artifacts valued at more than $13 million from the Metropolitan Museum of Art, asserting that the objects from Rome, Greece, and Egypt had all been looted, and will now be returned to their countries of origin. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#63BGP)
TUSCALOOSA, AL—Depicting an incredibly unusual and surprising scene involving law enforcement, a shocking viral video shared Wednesday captured calm police officers handling a situation nonviolently. “This deeply troubling video recorded by a bystander clearly shows officers calmly giving a Black driver a warning, and…Read more...
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on (#63BGQ)
IOWA FALLS, IA—Enjoying one last morning with his four-legged friends, distraught factory farmer Bill Hanrahan confirmed Wednesday that he knew he shouldn’t have named all 7,000 pigs. “I don’t know why I always make this harder than it needs to be,” said Hanrahan, choking up as he began the long process of saying…Read more...
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on (#63ARW)
New York will be the first state to offer its initial dispensary licenses solely to entrepreneurs with marijuana convictions, in a move aimed at offering an advantage to people, disproportionately in Black and brown communities, harmed by the war on drugs. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#63A85)
On Aug. 8, 2022, the FBI raided Donald Trump’s residence in search of documents he had illegally taken from the White House after his presidency. The following timeline details both the lead up to and fallout from the Justice Department’s dramatic investigation of Mar-a-Lago.Read more...
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on (#63A7W)
BRIDGEPORT, CT—Declaring that they had learned their lesson and should be allowed to try again, officials at the Bridgeport Zoo reportedly insisted Tuesday that if they could get a new gorilla they’d really take care of it this time. “Come on, please let us have a new gorilla—we’re really sorry, and we get it now!…Read more...
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on (#63A5F)
WINDSOR, CT—Seeking direction for his newfound passion, aspiring misogynist Kevin Lizowski told reporters Tuesday he hoped to find guidance online about how to better hate women. “I just wonder if anyone on the internet might have some advice that would help me develop my bigoted views and find outlets for my…Read more...
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on (#63A3Q)
LOS ANGELES—Moments after watching the advertisement for Wonderful Pistachios in exchange for free wireless access, local man Thomas Steeples reportedly opted Tuesday to click the button that would allow him to learn more about the salted snack nut. “Why, yes, I think I’d like to discover more about this company and…Read more...
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on (#638Y4)
Snapchat is the latest app to roll out parental controls in response to growing concerns about the kinds of content kids and teens can access online, but critics of parental controls say they can have unintended consequences. The Onion evaluates the pros and cons of parental controls on apps.Read more...
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on (#635GB)
OAKWOOD, OH—Noting how weird she’d been ever since the state of Ohio had required her to carry a child to term, local 5th graders told reporters Thursday that their friend Hannah who was forced to give birth only wanted to talk about baby stuff now. “It’s not like we don’t love her, but ever since she got pregnant and…Read more...
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on (#6341R)
A school district in southwestern Missouri is bringing back paddling to discipline students as an alternative to suspensions for those whose parents give permission, despite warnings from many public health experts that the practice is detrimental to students. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#633JH)
At four-year colleges, the Class of 2026 is now entering its freshman year. The Onion looks at the most surprising, insightful, and significant facts about the Class of 2026.Read more...
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on (#633JG)
EAST WINDSOR, CT—Stiffly asking if others had also been invited to the Victorian manor under mysterious circumstances, dinner party guests reportedly made awkward small talk Wednesday about how the host was murdered by someone in this very room. “Pretty weird how the lights momentarily cut out before flickering back…Read more...
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on (#633JJ)
COLUMBIA, SC—Groaning in disgust at the uncomfortable sensation, local inmate Thomas McLean reportedly regretted wearing shorts to his execution Wednesday after feeling his thighs stick to the electric chair. “Good God, I bet they never clean these things, either,” said the convicted murderer, who fidgeted in the seat…Read more...
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on (#633JK)
On Friday, Sept. 2, Amazon will premiere a highly anticipated ‘Lord Of The Rings’ prequel set thousands of years before The Hobbit. Here’s everything you need to know about The Lord Of The Rings: The Rings Of Power.Read more...
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