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on (#5X4MW)
PROVIDENCE, RI—Telling the student that he needed to come up with a better excuse for not handing in assignments on time, a Providence College professor was reportedly not buying A.J. Reeves’ bullshit Tuesday about having to play in the NCAA tournament. “Listen, I’m a reasonable person, but you can’t just waltz in…Read more...
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The Onion
| Link | https://theonion.com/ |
| Feed | https://www.theonion.com/rss |
| Updated | 2024-11-24 02:45 |
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on (#5X4MY)
WEST LAFAYETTE, IN—In the latest evidence of declining education standards, a report published Tuesday by researchers at Purdue University found that the average U.S. high schooler writes a manifesto at a second-grade level. “The sophomores who call in bombs threats and the juniors who shoot up their schools typically…Read more...
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on (#5X4MZ)
SAN JOSE, CA—As he apologized for the loudly barking dog that he swore wasn’t like this with people in higher income brackets, local pet owner David Muskin told a man he encountered on a walk Tuesday that his goldendoodle wasn’t good with anyone who earns less than six figures. “Oh my god, I’m so sorry—he must smell…Read more...
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on (#5X3P3)
According to leaked emails, Meta will temporarily change its hate speech policy to allow Facebook and Instagram users in some countries to call for violence against Russians and the death of Vladimir Putin in the context of the Ukraine invasion. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5X3F8)
This tax season, don’t get overcharged like a poor person and swindled out of your hard-earned money. Here are the biggest tax loopholes that the IRS doesn’t want you to know about.Read more...
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on (#5X370)
SAN FRANCISCO—Offering harsh criticism for a streaming platform that has often faced charges of unfair compensation, Metallica announced Monday that it would remove its music from Spotify unless the company immediately increased the salaries of all high-level executives. “Frankly, we can no longer stay silent and…Read more...
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on (#5X371)
WHITE PINE COUNTY, NV—Saying their final interaction was frankly a low blow and felt unnecessarily harsh, warden Dwayne McFadden of Ely State Prison told reporters Monday that an inmate’s last words had hurt his feelings. “Look, I get it, he’s probably feeling a lot of anger and emotions as he’s about to die, but…Read more...
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on (#5X372)
ITHACA, NY—Shedding new light on the mating behavior of the bird species native to eastern North America, scientists at the Cornell Lab of Ornithology reported Monday that blue jays mate for life, but that’s like, what, seven years, so who gives a shit? “While blue jays have one partner for their entire life span,…Read more...
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on (#5X373)
NEW YORK—Expounding upon the immutable, transcendental beauty of the universe, bestselling author and New Age guru Deepak Chopra told reporters Monday that divinity can be found even within the random bullshit he’s always making up. “When you quiet yourself, open your heart, and really listen, you can find…Read more...
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on (#5X3HQ)
Authorities have arrested an American man at the U.S.-Mexico border trying to sneak nine snakes and 43 horned lizards into the country, with the animals tied up in small bags concealed in the man’s jacket, pants pockets, and groin area. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5X0MD)
The Onion provides an in-depth guide to local delicacies across the country, examining the unsavory, indigestible, and beloved dishes that would make anyone with functioning taste buds puke.Read more...
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on (#5X0HR)
CHICAGO—With markets roiled by war in Ukraine and a U.S. boycott of Russian oil imports, leading economists confirmed Friday that rising gas prices have prevented struggling Americans from obtaining the fuel they normally use as an accelerant when setting fire to crime scene evidence. “Prices have soared far past $4…Read more...
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on (#5X0CS)
LAUSANNE, SWITZERLAND—In the wake of two straight Olympics with record-low TV ratings, an increasingly desperate International Olympic Committee announced plans Friday to increase viewership by adding skinny-dipping to the 2024 Summer Games in Paris. “As times and tastes change, the Olympics are no different, which…Read more...
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on (#5X0CR)
MINNEAPOLIS—Caught off guard by the sudden intensity with which she launched into the only liturgical part of the ceremony, attendees at a local wedding reported this week that the mother of the bride was going absolutely hog-wild with the short blessing she was allowed to give during the otherwise secular nuptials.…Read more...
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on (#5X0CQ)
The first Carnival Cruise Lines ship set sail on March 11, 1972, ushering in an era of modern-day luxury cruise liners that have generated their share of headlines over the years. The Onion looks at highlights in the history of Carnival Cruise Lines on its 50-year anniversary.
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on (#5WZ1H)
Gov. Michelle Lujan Grisham (D-NM) has signed the New Mexico Opportunity Scholarship Act, which waives tuition for students attending any in-state public school or tribal college, including community colleges. What do you think?Read more...
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Starbucks Fights Unionization Effort By Hiring Pinkertons To Order Exhausting, Hyper-Specific Drinks
on (#5WZ1G)
BUFFALO, NY—In a dramatic escalation by the coffee chain’s executives, Starbucks reportedly began fighting employee efforts to unionize this week by hiring the Pinkerton agency to enter stores en masse and order exhausting, hyper-specific drinks. A representative from the Pinkertons who spoke on condition of anonymity…Read more...
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on (#5WX14)
The national average price of gas has hit a record $4.17 per gallon as President Biden announced a ban on Russian oil, natural gas, and coal imports in response to the country’s invasion of Ukraine. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5WX0W)
NEW YORK—Pledging to keep supplies line open in the face of reckless choices by Western leaders, The Onion released a statement Tuesday promising that Russian oil would remain available in its company store. “In response to the international community’s brash actions banning Russia’s petroleum exports, we want to…Read more...
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on (#5WWRG)
Social media can be both a tool for good and a tool for evil, depending on how you decide to use it. When posting about an international conflict and the resulting fallout, here are the worst mistakes you can make.Read more...
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on (#5WWH5)
Netflix has been the victim of two big on-set robberies in the space of two days, with thieves stealing $200,000 worth of props from The Crown and $330,000 worth of equipment from the set of Lupin in Paris. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5WRZM)
The House select committee investigating the Jan. 6 Capitol riot has alleged in a court filing that former President Trump and a right-wing lawyer were part of a “criminal conspiracy” to overturn the 2020 presidential election. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5WRXM)
LOS ANGELES—Detailing the time-consuming process of becoming camera-ready for his role in The Batman, Colin Farrell revealed Friday that his transformation into “the Penguin” was achieved by sitting still each day for hours at a time as the makeup artist removed his various prosthetics. “It took about four hours each…Read more...
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on (#5WRV6)
SOUTH BEND, IN—According to a new paper published by historians from the University of Notre Dame, the Catholic tradition of eating fish on Fridays can be traced back to a third-century Long John Silver’s promotion. “Pope Sixtus II was a huge fan of the chain, and urged all of his flock to join him after Mass,” said…Read more...
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on (#5WRV7)
Confirmation hearings for Supreme Court nominee Ketanji Brown Jackson will begin March 21. The Onion answers the most pressing questions about President Biden’s first Supreme Court nominee.
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on (#5WQNX)
A trucker rally, modeled after recent demonstrations in Canada to protest Covid mandates, took place in Washington, D.C. during the president’s State of the Union address Tuesday but failed to bring the thousands of attendees the organizers expected, with only a handful of people present. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5WQ3R)
RACINE, WI—Touting the gel as the proactive solution to common plumbing blockages, Drano introduced a new shampoo Thursday for eliminating drain-clogging hair at its source. “Whether your hair is dry and frizzy or oily and sleek, we guarantee our shampoo will leave your bathroom drains looking strong, fresh, and…Read more...
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on (#5WPB7)
Lent is often used as a period for Catholics to experiment with other religions and even some cults.Read more...
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on (#5WP9H)
Pope Francis has amended the Vatican’s family leave policy, which already offers six months of fully paid maternity leave to new mothers, to include a three-day paid paternity leave to new fathers who work at the Vatican. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5WMJA)
CHARLESTON, SC—Squinting her eyes, exhaling, and whispering “it’s go time” while staring up the shallow incline, local grandmother Clarice Levine eyed the accessibility ramp to her assisted living facility Tuesday with the intensity of a daredevil about to jump the Grand Canyon. “Oh, baby, this is it, this is what…Read more...
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on (#5WMJ9)
Rameshbabu Praggnanandhaa, who in 2016 became the youngest international master in history at 10, is now the youngest to beat reigning five-time world chess champion Magnus Carlsen in the online Airthings Masters championship. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5WKS3)
Florida’s House of Representatives passed the controversial “Don’t Say Gay” bill, limiting when and how school staff can discuss gender and sexual orientation in the classroom, which opponents say will make life harder for LGBTQ youth, who already face a higher rate of bullying and risk of suicide than their straight,…Read more...
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on (#5WH5P)
KYIV, UKRAINE—Leaving journalists and eyewitnesses “absolutely stunned” as they watched in amazement, Russian soldiers’ guns and tanks were reportedly vanishing into thin air Friday as the first wave of international sanctions took effect. Cries of, “No! No! The sanctions! They’re kicking in!” were heard across the…Read more...
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on (#5WH54)
AUSTIN—Calling upon licensed professionals and members of the public to report the parents of transgender youth, Texas governor Greg Abbott warned this week that children of accepting parents often grow up to become accepting themselves. “When kids start experiencing acceptance at such a young age, this behavior…Read more...
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on (#5WH0D)
As cryptocurrency becomes more popular, the number of efforts to steal money from users and exchanges is also on the rise. The Onion looks at the biggest crypto scams of all time.
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on (#5WGQH)
ST. LOUIS—Quickly checking his hair in the mirror and smelling his breath before she arrived, Monsanto investor George Reese reportedly removed his wedding ring Thursday night before taking a meeting with a tall, busty celery stalk. “Well, well, well, there she is—the most beautiful genetically modified stalk of…Read more...
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on (#5WGH1)
A medical student in India was caught cheating with a cellphone connected to a micro-bluetooth device surgically implanted into his ear, with officials saying it was the student’s final attempt to pass the exam after repeatedly failing it. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5WFZF)
Arthur, the longest-running children’s animated series in the history of American television, has ended with its 25th season, the final episode, titled “All Grown Up,” taking place 20 years into the future when the characters are adults. What do you think?Read more...
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