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The Onion
| Link | https://theonion.com/ |
| Feed | https://www.theonion.com/rss |
| Updated | 2025-07-06 17:30 |
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on (#677RS)
A Cincinnati harm-reduction vending machine that stocks Narcan and fentanyl test strips for free to drug users has reportedly reversed nearly 600 overdoses. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#676ZW)
Gig economy workers may be subhuman, but they still deserve a modicum of respect. Here are things you should never say to your Amazon delivery driver.Read more...
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on (#676Z0)
MOKENA, IL—Badgering her son and daughter-in-law incessantly throughout the evening, local woman Rhonda Pearson reportedly wanted to know Monday when the couple was going to give her better grandchildren. “I’m just asking for one decent grandchild, that’s all I want,” said Pearson, who explained to the parents of…Read more...
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on (#676YN)
Scientists revived a virus that had been trapped in Siberian permafrost for nearly 50,000 years, bolstering concerns that global warming will lead to ancient pathogens being released as higher temperatures lead to large swaths of permafrost melting. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#674SH)
OLYMPIA, WA—Sneaking it out of the bag without rustling the plastic, local man Nick Juarez reportedly peeled the price tag off of a gift Friday before giving it to his dog. “I don’t want him to know how much I spent,” said Juarez, struggling to remove the sticker from a tag hanging off of a stuffed alligator, adding…Read more...
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on (#674QZ)
WASHINGTON—Touting the currency denomination’s ability to up the stakes of any financial transaction, the U.S. Treasury introduced new wild bills Friday that could be used for any dollar amount. “Starting today, the U.S. Treasury will release several wild bills that can be spent on anything from $1 to $10 to $10,000,”…Read more...
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on (#6746K)
A powerful arctic winter storm making its way through the nation this week will evolve into a rapidly intensifying ‘bomb cyclone,’ with officials warning travelers of flight cancellations and dangerous traffic conditions in the days leading up to Christmas. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#673MH)
JUPITER ISLAND, FL—Shedding light on a condition he’s been quietly struggling with since the ’90s, basketball legend Michael Jordan opened up Thursday about the long-term effects of orange Gatorade seeping out of his head. “Back in my playing days, I wish someone had sat down and talked to me about the more dangerous…Read more...
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on (#673JM)
FINDLAY, OH—Clapping his hands with giddy excitement for the first big snow storm of the season, local man James Francis, who has no idea he will spend the holiday trapped in an overturned car, told reporters he is excited to have a white Christmas. “There’s absolutely nothing more magical than waking up, looking out…Read more...
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on (#673G8)
A 97-year-old woman who worked as a secretary at a Nazi concentration camp has been convicted by a German court of being an accessory to the murder of more than 10,000 people. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#672GR)
Season’s greetings from your old friend Santa! With Christmas just a few short days away, Santa is hard at work making toys, loading his sleigh, and getting ready to deliver presents to all of his favorite children around the world! While so many of you have strived to make Santa’s good list this year, Old St. Nick…Read more...
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on (#672D3)
Elon Musk recently posted a poll asking if he should step down as Twitter’s CEO and vowed to abide by the results. With users voting for Musk to relinquish the role, The Onion examines potential candidates to replace him.Read more...
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on (#670G5)
Argentina defeated France in penalty kicks to win the 2022 World Cup, marking the first time since 1986 that the South American nation has won the title. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#670G8)
LONDON—In an effort to get past the acrimony stirred up by a recent Netflix documentary, Prince William and Prince Harry reportedly settled their dispute Monday by announcing arranged marriages between their children. “This allows us to put to rest all that nasty feuding and get down to what really matters, which…Read more...
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on (#6700F)
LOS ANGELES—After struggling to keep up with the changing times, actress Meryl Streep was reportedly dropped by her agent this week over her failure to cultivate a massive TikTok following. “We’ve had a great time working with Meryl over the years, but unfortunately, her TikTok numbers just aren’t where they’d need to…Read more...
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on (#6700G)
CLEMSON, SC—Kicking himself for not buying more than a single pint, local man Billy Crenshaw was reportedly disappointed Monday that he had reached the bottom of the ice cream carton right when he was hitting his stride. “Oh man, I was in the fucking zone!” said Crenshaw, adding that he had just started feeling “good…Read more...
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on (#6700H)
WASHINGTON—A new report released Monday by the National Highway Safety Traffic Administration found that more than 10,000 pedestrians are struck every year by drivers rushing to beat the cut-off time for the McDonald’s breakfast menu. “Our estimates show that once every 15 minutes in the U.S., a pedestrian will be…Read more...
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on (#66ZYQ)
If America is going to be a Christian nation, you sure as hell better get the day off. Here’s what to tell your boss if they ask you to work on Christmas day.Read more...
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on (#66ZG0)
LAS VEGAS—Discussing what was riding on the team’s upcoming contest against the Las Vegas Raiders, New England Patriots quarterback Mac Jones reportedly called the game a “must win” after head coach Bill Belichick showed him pictures of Jones’ family sleeping. “Right now, we’re on the cusp of the playoffs, and we…Read more...
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on (#66X9Z)
MILFORD, CT—Rolling out the new mental health initiative at locations nationwide, fast food chain Subway announced this week that it had implemented a mandatory 72-hour psychiatric hold for anyone thinking of ordering a sandwich from one of its restaurants. “For their own safety and the safety of those around them,…Read more...
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on (#66XA0)
HOBOKEN, NJ—Saying she wanted one within arm’s reach in case of an emergency, local single woman Frances Higgins told reporters Friday that she just felt safer keeping a loaded baked potato in her nightstand. “God forbid I ever have to use it, but I feel better knowing it’s there,” said the 36-year-old woman, who…Read more...
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on (#66X8D)
As the culture wars continue to escalate, many have cast the “woke mind virus” as public enemy No. 1. The Onion asked conservatives to explain how woke culture is destroying America, and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#66WK9)
Onion Sports shares its expert analysis on the teams that will come away with victory in the NFL’s week 15 games.Read more...
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on (#66VYX)
AMARILLO, TX—Opening his suitcase to reveal a glowing bounty of illegally smuggled lotions, pills, and inhalers, local uncle Steve Palazzo told relatives Thursday he’d found the “score of the century” after he returned from a trip abroad with a treasure trove of prescription medicines. The uninsured 49-year-old, who…Read more...
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on (#66VC0)
President Biden has signed into law the Respect for Marriage Act, mandating federal protections to same-sex and interracial couples, amid fears that the conservative Supreme Court might revisit the right to same-sex marriage after it rescinded the right to an abortion. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#66TRX)
A recent Keystone Pipeline failure in northeastern Kansas has been contained after an estimated 14,000 barrels of crude oil spilled in a natural waterway, making it the largest spill in the pipeline’s history. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#66TQS)
LOS ANGELES—The American people have reportedly forgiven Harvey Weinstein Wednesday after discovering the disgraced mogul has gotten really good at football. “I don’t condone what Harvey did, but man, that guy can run like a demon,” said 38-year-old homemaker Sara Reese, who represented just one of the nation’s 330…Read more...
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on (#66TQ9)
NEW BRUNSWICK, NJ—Attributing the move to unspecified supply chain issues, Johnson & Johnson reportedly raised the price of Band-Aids Wednesday to $100,000 apiece. “Beginning next year, an individual, standard-size Band-Aid will cost $100,000, while the price will be higher for larger adhesives and those with cartoon…Read more...
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on (#66T5E)
Arizona Gov. Doug Doucey is erecting an illegal border wall of double-stacked shipping containers along parts of the U.S.–Mexico border, which runs through federal and tribal land, as a final act before he leaves office in January. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#66T34)
SAN FRANCISCO—Following a traumatizing incident on stage at a recent Dave Chappelle show, tech entrepreneur Elon Musk reportedly underwent surgery Tuesday to receive an experimental Neuralink brain implant, an attempt to delete the painful memory of being booed by a crowd of 18,000 people. “I don’t want to think about…Read more...
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on (#66SFP)
HUDSON, NY—In a lesson intended to help her class understand the crucial feature of ecology, elementary school teacher Dina Schultz reportedly instructed her students Tuesday on the part of the water cycle where water becomes the property of the Nestlé corporation. “After condensation and precipitation, the water…Read more...
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on (#66SE0)
CHICAGO—Warning that many needy families could be left without team paraphernalia during the winter sports season, a local cold-weather clothing drive put out an urgent request Tuesday for more foam fingers. “We’ve all seen people—and too often they are children—sitting in the stands at sporting events without a fun,…Read more...
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on (#66SDB)
Arizona senator Kyrsten Sinema recently switched party affiliations and registered as an Independent. The Onion asked U.S. senators what they thought of the move, and here’s what they said.Read more...
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on (#66SHZ)
Supervisors in San Francisco have backtracked on a decision to give city police the ability to use robots as deadly force against a suspect, after public outcry that it would lead to the further militarization of a police force already too aggressive with poor and minority communities. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#66PCW)
Phoenix Mercury center and WNBA All-Star Brittney Griner has been released from a Russian penal colony and is in United States custody after a prisoner exchange for arms dealer Viktor Bout. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#66NS4)
Here are the most dramatic, crazy, and unexpected ways that celebrities have announced they have a baby currently living inside them.Read more...
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