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on (#5V11R)
Unfortunately, men are pigs who will say just about anything to trick you into sleeping with them. Here are lies you should definitely watch out for before going home with some random guy at a bar.Read more...
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The Onion
| Link | https://theonion.com/ |
| Feed | https://www.theonion.com/rss |
| Updated | 2024-11-24 02:45 |
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on (#5V0Z4)
DENVER—Calling the first 48 hours of a child’s life a critical period of parental development, the University of Colorado Hospital Birth Center announced the opening Thursday of its first delivery taprooms, in which parents can spend time bonding with newborns over a couple of beers. “Research shows that sitting down…Read more...
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on (#5V0T2)
Magawa, an African giant pouched rat in Cambodia who received a prestigious award for his life-saving duty finding dozens of landmines left over from a civil war 30 years ago, has died in retirement at 8 years old. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5TZZR)
LOS ANGELES—Warning Angelenos to hit the deck, now, the Los Angeles Police Department asked residents Thursday to be on the lookout for dozens of bullets that its officers had sent ricocheting around the city. “Due to credible reports that numerous rounds of ammunition from our service weapons are now ping-ponging…Read more...
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on (#5TZET)
HYATTSVILLE, MD—In what has emerged as an increasingly popular parenting option, a new study released Wednesday by the National Center for Health Statistics has found that more parents are declining to have multiple children in favor of having just one big baby and stopping there. “Many of the parents surveyed…Read more...
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on (#5TZB1)
An appeals court has upheld the firing of two Los Angeles police officers who ignored a call requesting backup to the scene of a nearby robbery so that they could pursue a Pokémon GO virtual game character. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5TYJX)
The U.S. Mint has begun shipping out the first quarters featuring prominent women in American history, beginning with poet, writer, and activist Maya Angelou, the first Black woman to appear on the coin. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5TYAH)
In the era of the novel coronavirus, it can be difficult to know how to discuss infections with family, friends, and coworkers, and that’s become even more true with the recent rise of breakthrough cases. Here are some serious faux pas to avoid when talking to someone with a breakthrough case of Covid-19.Read more...
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on (#5TY7V)
The Guantánamo Bay detention camp in Cuba welcomed its first detainees 20 years ago, inaugurating one of the most controversial elements of the U.S. war on terror. The Onion celebrates the first 20 years of the Gitmo.
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on (#5TY6B)
BALTIMORE—Hailing the new treatment as a breakthrough in medical techniques, surgeons at the University of Baltimore announced Wednesday that they had successfully developed a new procedure to transplant a pig rib into a human mouth. “The way the procedure works is we remove the rib from a pig, brush it with a…Read more...
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on (#5TXZF)
BETHLEHEM, PA—Pausing between each labored word as his family gathered around him, local dying dad Phil Piermont was reportedly wondering Wednesday if you hit traffic on your way to the hospital. “Did you take 22? It’s a little congested by the exit, right?” said your father, taking a deep breath to push through…Read more...
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on (#5TXZE)
New research has found that female dolphins, who copulate throughout the year as a way to forge and maintain social bonds, have a fully functional clitoris with sensory nerves and erectile bodies that help them experience pleasure during sex, just as it does for humans. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5TXFV)
Robert Durst, the New York millionaire convicted of murdering his best friend 20 years ago and who has been linked to his wife’s unsolved disappearance in 1982, has died three months after being sentenced to life in prison. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5TXEP)
Christopher Key, the leader of the “Vaccine Police” organization that opposes Covid-19 vaccinations, recently shared that drinking urine could cure coronavirus. As the world’s leading nonpartisan news source, The Onion strives to give our readers the facts and let them decide what is true. Here’s a fact sheet…Read more...
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on (#5TW15)
PRINCETON, NJ—Upending the common perception that such workers are just going about a normal day on the job, a report published Monday by researchers at Princeton University found that the majority of men wearing a hard hat and coveralls are actually members of a heist team in disguise. “Nearly seven in 10…Read more...
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on (#5TVZ8)
Quebec officials have reported the number of first-dose appointments for Covid-19 vaccines have quadrupled after announcing that vaccination passports will be required to enter liquor and cannabis stores. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5TVZ0)
Embarking on the road to weight loss can be a tough endeavor. With the number of diets increasing daily, it’s important to discover which is the right one for you before spending valuable time, energy, and money. Here are the most important questions to ask before starting a new fad diet.Read more...
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on (#5TVTP)
BOSTON—Describing how the phone game had succeeded where others had failed, local man Peter Bolton told reporters Friday that the app Chess Ace allowed him to waste time on his phone but in a smart way. “It’s great, because instead of opening up some dumb app like Clash Of Clans, I now have a higher-brow option when…Read more...
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on (#5TVS4)
BUFFALO, NY—Hoping to hold onto some semblance of purpose in an unfeeling void, local man Craig Ulrich reportedly tried to regain his sense of control in a chaotic universe Monday by learning to juggle. According to sources, in a desperate attempt to combat the inherent entropy and confusion that governs the cosmos,…Read more...
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on (#5TVS5)
GREEN BAY, WI—Noticing the unusually cheerful tone in the voice of the employee behind the pickup counter, customer Janelle Ramos told reporters Monday that a pharmacist at her local Walgreens appeared far too chipper not to be selling painkillers on the side. “He seems genuinely happy to be here, so you just have to…Read more...
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on (#5TSC1)
Scientists in London have honored Leonardo DiCaprio by naming an endangered tree after him, stating that the actor “was crucial in helping to stop the logging” of the Cameroon rainforest where it grows. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5TRVT)
TRENTON, NJ—Saying it would be a nice way to unwind after a grueling eight hours at work, local man Patrick McCormick reportedly gave himself a little treat Wednesday for getting through the day. “Man, it’s really great to take the edge off with a nice little treat after a total slog like today,” said McCormick,…Read more...
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on (#5TQMA)
WASHINGTON—Shedding light on the early trials the famed explorers encountered on their sojourn across the American West, a lost journal entry acquired Thursday by the Smithsonian Institution reveals that Meriwether Lewis and William Clark nearly turned back after tripping over a tree root. “In our observations of the…Read more...
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on (#5TQMC)
WASHINGTON—In what both ordinary citizens and experts agreed was a threat to the nation’s political system, American democracy reportedly came under siege Thursday after a tech lobbyist invited some senators to dinner. “Rarely do we see such a brazen attack on our democratic values, and yet we could only watch in …Read more...
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on (#5TPVD)
A Seattle Kraken fan was thanked with a $10,000 medical school scholarship for saving the life of a Vancouver Canucks equipment manager after she pressed a note to the plexiglass warning that the mole on his neck looked cancerous. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5TPV8)
DEL CITY, OK—Calling the incident a tragedy that could have easily been prevented, authorities announced Wednesday that a local 2-year-old had died in an accidental shooting after discovering his father’s gun hidden under a pile of guns. “Our hearts go out to the family of the child who lost his life in this horrible…Read more...
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on (#5TPRX)
JEFFERSON COUNTY, CO—Tapping the convicted pedophile and former Subway spokesperson to aid in their efforts, authorities reportedly recruited Jared Fogle from prison Wednesday in order to help bring down the horrifying new Subway Steak “Cali Fresh” sandwich. “We know you’ve done some bad, bad shit in the past, but we…Read more...
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on (#5TPRY)
A jury found Elizabeth Holmes, the 37-year-old founder of blood-testing startup Theranos, guilty of four out of 11 federal charges, including three counts of wire fraud and one count of conspiracy to commit wire fraud. What do you think?
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on (#5TP82)
NAPLES, FL—Delighting at the chance to interact up close with the wildlife, visitors to the Naples Zoo confirmed Wednesday they were impressed by the number of animals on the premises that were willing to eat loose change. “I was pleasantly surprised by how many of these guys will just munch on whatever I have in my…Read more...
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on (#5TND4)
For the first time, the Food and Drug Administration has approved a long-acting injectable medication that can be administered every two months as a pre-exposure prophylaxis (or PrEP) against HIV, providing an alternative to daily pills. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5TNF1)
WASHINGTON—According to new data released Tuesday by the U.S. Department of Transportation, Trevor topped the list of 2021’s most popular bridge names. “For the first time in our nation’s history, Trevor became America’s leading bridge name, finally surpassing Jim, which had enjoyed a brief three-year reign,” said…Read more...
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on (#5TNAA)
The Republican Party is putting $1.6 million toward helping former President Trump pay for “certain legal expenses that relate to politically motivated legal proceedings waged against” him. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5TKKF)
They haven’t, and they’re absolutely panicking inside about what the fuck to do with you.Read more...
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on (#5TKKB)
NEW YORK—Flipping over the cards you selected one by one, a breaking report issued Monday stated they showed the tower, the chariot reversed, and death, which sources confirmed would certainly lead to imminent, grave misfortune for you. “Beware, lost one, for the fortunes have turned against you,” said visibly rattled…Read more...
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on (#5TH4F)
LEBANON, NH—Saying he was stunned by the film’s macabre subject matter, area man Tyler Duchesne told reporters Friday that he had never realized The Texas Chain Saw Massacre is actually pretty creepy until he viewed it for the first time as an adult. “Back when I was a kid, it never occurred to me that the movie’s…Read more...
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on (#5TF1T)
Not everyone can drink rotten juice and look smart while doing it. Here are several signs you’ve become a total wine snob.Read more...
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on (#5TF1S)
According to a new poll, some 43% of adults with combined finances in a relationship said they’ve committed an act of financial deception, ranging from lying to their partner or spouse about money to hiding things such as cash, bills or a purchase. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5TF1P)
TEMPE, AZ—Fixating on his rotating series of girlfriends and tendency to drink too much wine during holidays, local family the Bellingers told reporters Wednesday that their deeply sad relative Andrew, who longs to find just one person who truly understands him, was “the crazy uncle.” “Uncle Andy starts drinking and…Read more...
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on (#5TF1N)
ORLANDO, FL—Eschewing its typical round of publicity, Disney World quietly opened a side exhibit within its Hall Of Presidents attraction Wednesday featuring the historic shadow leaders who have really run the country since its founding. “The show takes place in a narrow hallway, which is only accessible via an…Read more...
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on (#5TE4A)
A new study has found that albatross, known to be monogamous creatures, are separating from their life partners at a higher rate, with researchers saying that climate change is negatively impacting breeding conditions, leading the seabirds to find new partners. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5T8FB)
A 70-year-old man has been arrested for allegedly leaping from tall buildings with a parachute in Northern Virginia, making as many as six leaps, including a harrowing 32-story plunge from a building over evening traffic. What do you think?Read more...
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