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on (#5T4AV)
SPARTANBURG, SC—Friends and relatives were reportedly making predictions about the new baby’s sporting prospects Thursday after a somewhat athletic couple gave birth to a potential Division III lacrosse player. “Man, knowing who his parents are, Callum could be in the 60th, 65th percentile in terms of raw speed, and I…Read more...
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The Onion
| Link | https://theonion.com/ |
| Feed | https://www.theonion.com/rss |
| Updated | 2024-11-24 02:45 |
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on (#5T083)
SAN FRANCISCO—Climbing into bed in hopes of getting a solid night’s rest for once, a tired, bleary-eyed nation announced Sunday night that it would now attempt to fall asleep by doing a little impression of sleeping. “All snuggled up and ready to sleep—here I go!” said 26-year-old Bay Area resident Daphne Halloway,…Read more...
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on (#5T082)
BETHESDA, MD—Singling out the behavior as one of the leading risk factors for premature mortality, a report published Monday by the National Institute of Health confirmed that over 90,000 Americans die every year from living the way you do. “Our research shows that thousands in this country die needlessly from…Read more...
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on (#5T05E)
Sorry, but hating you is their only option.Read more...
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on (#5T05F)
WASHINGTON—Calling for the nation’s richest to pay their fair share, Democrats proposed a new wealth tax Monday that would target Americans with circular driveways. “Homeowners with circular driveways have gamed the system for far too long, leaving everyday hardworking Americans to park on straight driveways, and in…Read more...
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on (#5SZVV)
ATLANTA—Citing the film’s problematic portrayal of humanity as inherently good and capable of redemption, TV network Turner Classic Movies announced Monday that it would no longer be airing Miracle On 34th Street due to the 1947 Christmas film’s outdated depictions of hope and joy. “While this movie’s celebration of…Read more...
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on (#5SYDH)
EAST RUTHERFORD, NJ—Throwing the flag during the annual Army-Navy game after the clearing smoke revealed an obvious illegal hit, Army’s football team received a 15-yard penalty Saturday for drone-striking the kicker. “I don’t know what Army was thinking there—you’re not allowed to drone-strike a defenseless player,”…Read more...
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on (#5SXJY)
A union has won the right to represent U.S. Starbucks workers, with employees at a Buffalo, NY location voting 19-8 in favor of a union, the first in the coffee retailer’s 50-year history. What do you think?
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on (#5SXFX)
SEATTLE—In an attempt to expand its customer base to those for whom home ownership remains out of reach, Zillow rolled out a new feature Friday that lets users track the happy lives of people who outbid them for their dream house. “All you have to do is enter your zip code, have an offer turned down on a home that was…Read more...
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on (#5SXCH)
WASHINGTON—Touting the item as an important piece of aerospace history, the Smithsonian announced Friday that it had acquired the coat hanger Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin used to get back inside the lunar module after locking themselves out. “We’re thrilled that visitors to the National Air And Space Museum will get…Read more...
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on (#5SXCG)
The year 2021 saw us consuming more content than ever as we soldiered through the second year of the coronavirus pandemic. The Onion brings you the best things we watched and read in 2021.
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on (#5SX1E)
ST. LOUIS, MO—Exhaling in relief after several minutes of listening intently to the company-wide meeting, employees at local marketing firm Trend Studios confirmed they immediately tuned out their CEO’s remotely delivered speech Friday as soon as he mentioned layoffs would not be necessary. “He just told us our Q3…Read more...
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on (#5SX1D)
Mortgage company Better.com CEO Vishal Garg drew criticism after informing about 900 employees over a Zoom call that they were all “terminated, effective immediately,” citing changes in the market for the mass layoffs. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5SW1P)
NEW YORK—Renewing their commitment to diverse representation, the producers of Sesame Street introduced the show’s first deeply enigmatic Muppet character Thursday, a fuzzy, frail, and vacant-eyed monster who has yet to reveal his true intentions. “Despite our progress over the years, we realized Sesame Street had not…Read more...
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on (#5STC7)
WASHINGTON—In an effort to dissuade the Russian leader from invading Ukraine, President Joe Biden reportedly told Vladimir Putin Wednesday, “You know, if I were you, I’d go after Finland.” “Ukraine’s cool and everything, but Finland has, like, an eighth of the people and twice the GDP—it’d be a breeze to annex,…Read more...
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on (#5STC6)
The original The Oregon Trail computer game debuted December 3, 1971, spawning a beloved series played by generations of children. The Onion looks back at key moments in the history of The Oregon Trail.
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on (#5STC8)
LONDON—Tearing up while describing the harrowing scene, Prince Andrew, Duke of York, revealed in an interview Tuesday that Ghislaine Maxwell had groomed him to have sex with dozens of teens. “When I got to Epstein’s island, she led me by the hand to a private room where she insisted I have intercourse with underage…Read more...
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on (#5SS34)
BOSTON—In a groundbreaking study of burglary-response tactics published Tuesday, researchers at Northeastern University’s School of Criminology and Criminal Justice found that 87% of home invasions were foiled when victims nervously muttered, “Who’s there?” upon hearing a strange noise. “Our extensive analysis of…Read more...
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on (#5SS10)
It’s not polite to brag, even around the penniless street urchins. Here are things you should never say to someone who makes less money than you.Read more...
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on (#5SQRV)
PHOENIX—Describing the 15-minute incident as “a nightmare come to life,” local office workers at Martin Realty were reportedly terrorized Friday by an unhinged ex-employee dropping in to say hi. “We always knew he was a bit off by the way he’d say ‘good morning’ and ask about how our weekend was, but we never thought…Read more...
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on (#5SMNA)
Twitter will now let private individuals request the removal of pictures or videos of them that were posted without their consent, except in cases of public interest or if the subject is a public figure, unless they’re being harassed. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5SKPN)
NEW YORK—Declaring that the former player would continue to be punished for tarnishing the game of baseball by gambling, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred confirmed to reporters Thursday that Pete Rose remains ineligible for election to the DraftKings Official MLB Hall of Fame at Cooperstown. “Being part of the DraftKings…Read more...
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on (#5SKBK)
Scientists who created xenobots, the world’s first living robots assembled from heart and skin stem cells belonging to the African clawed frog, say the life forms are now “the first-ever, self-replicating living robots.” What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5SJAY)
PITTSBURGH—Unable to resist consideration of the rare opportunity that lay before them, 79% of Americans holding ladders while a loved one put up Christmas lights reportedly took a moment Wednesday to consider just how easy it would be. “All it would take is one small push, and boom, it’s over, just like that,”…Read more...
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on (#5SJAX)
NEW YORK—Saying the former governor would bring a wealth of political knowledge and experience to the position, CNN announced Wednesday that Andrew Cuomo will take over his brother’s hosting duties until a replacement is found. “We’ve always been huge fans of Andrew, and we’re sure he will bring his many years in…Read more...
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on (#5SHW8)
Barbados has removed Britain’s Queen Elizabeth II as its head of state, officially becoming a republic on the 55th anniversary of the Caribbean nation’s independence from the United Kingdom. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5SH48)
Jack Dorsey has stepped down as Twitter CEO, 15 years after launching the microblogging social media platform that’s now often central to debates around responsibility to curb hate speech, violent rhetoric, and misinformation. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5SGZR)
FOXBOROUGH, MA—Slamming the rookie’s success as a fluke of organizational competence, critics claimed Tuesday that Patriots quarterback Mac Jones was just the product of being a talented player in a system with elite defense and coaching. “People are acting like Mac [Jones] is the next great franchise QB, but he’s…Read more...
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on (#5SGZS)
WASHINGTON—Confirming that it had been a disappointing quarter, the nation’s embattled CEOs announced Tuesday that we just gotta do better, simple as that. “It’s not an easy conversation to have, folks, but we’re gonna have to take a long, hard look in the mirror and ask ourselves if we’re really giving it our all,”…Read more...
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on (#5SGXR)
MILWAUKEE—Confirming that he had long been intrigued by alternative currencies, local man Graham McCormick told reporters Tuesday that he was only three more failed goals away from becoming a crypto guy. “Really, I just need another business venture going under and maybe a few more job rejections and then buying some…Read more...
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on (#5S9Q5)
WALDORF, MD—Vowing not to repeat the same mistakes of years past, sources confirmed Wednesday that the Stanchfield family was saving time this Thanksgiving by making their oak dining table the day before. “Grandma insists it’s better fresh, but making everything ahead this year is going to save a whole lot of stress,”…Read more...
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on (#5S9Q1)
While the coronavirus pandemic rages on, big-budget sequels and Oscar hopefuls are among the films hitting American movie screens through the rest of the year. The Onion highlights the most anticipated films of winter 2021.
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on (#5S8VR)
Spotify has removed a play button that automatically shuffled songs regardless of an album’s track list after singer-songwriter Adele requested the change ahead of the release of her fourth studio album. What do you think?
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on (#5S2XS)
A Singapore-based cryptocurrency platform called Crypto.com has bought the naming rights to the home arena of the Los Angeles Lakers in a $700 million deal, with the change taking effect on Christmas Day this year. What do you think?
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on (#5S2VX)
Nothing makes your vote more useless than allowing some uniformed dimwit who sheepishly does whatever he is told to vote for the opposite party from you.Read more...
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on (#5S2VM)
WASHINGTON—Stripping the Republican representative from one of the most powerful and influential committees in Congress, the U.S. House of Representatives voted this week to remove Paul Gosar from his assignment on the Anime and Manga Committee. “While there’s nothing cooler than an epic sword fight, calls for…Read more...
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on (#5S2RZ)
AUSTIN, TX—Calling the move “an important step in protecting the unborn,” Texas lawmakers passed legislation Thursday banning residents’ access to tall staircases in an effort to prevent women with unwanted pregnancies from getting any ideas. “We are proud to affirm the sanctity of life with this bill prohibiting…Read more...
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on (#5S2S0)
Deciding which products will fulfill your basic needs or that gaping hole in your heart can be stressful. The Onion’s Test Sweatshop is here to help. Every product we recommend has been tested for over 50,000 hours by our army of indentured product testers. The Onion doesn’t make any money off of these…Read more...
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on (#5S2N9)
WASHINGTON—Calling it a no-risk investment guaranteed to appreciate in value over time, Fannie Mae officials announced Thursday that the lender had issued billions of Mortgage-backed NFTs. “This is as stable as they come, over the entire history of NFTs, they have only appreciated in value,” said CEO Hugh Frater, who…Read more...
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on (#5S29Q)
CALABASAS HILLS, CA—Rushing into action immediately upon seeing the first signs of hesitation, The Cheesecake Factory CEO David Overton angrily demanded a test kitchen chef dunk a whole fried chicken into a nearby bowl of chocolate pudding, sources confirmed Wednesday. “I said put that Alfredo-drizzled fried chicken…Read more...
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on (#5S19F)
BURBANK, CA—In a landmark deal that had reportedly been in the works for months, The Walt Disney Company acquired all of America’s children Wednesday for $52 billion. “We’ve been fans of America’s youth for a long time now, and we’re excited to finally have them join our robust portfolio of properties,” said Disney…Read more...
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on (#5S135)
ROLLINGWOOD, TX—Lauding the app for its incredible power, authorities credited TikTok Wednesday for helping a kidnapper find local teenager Hailey Lamb. “People think of TikTok as just some frivolous app for kids, but this just goes to show it can have life-changing applications,” said police lieutenant John Martinez,…Read more...
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on (#5S136)
LOS ANGELES—Attacking the Chicago Bulls legend for his “massively overrated” line reads, Scottie Pippen boasted Wednesday that he would have given a much better performance than Michael Jordan in Space Jam. “Look, he gets all this praise for a box office smash, but it was really the system around Jordan that elevated…Read more...
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